- it's finally over cartman. you lost! - yeah, and now you can take that stupid beard off. [tears] [screaming in pain] [scream echoing] - boys, as president of the united states, i want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising. - don't touch me. - well, cartman, the south lost. that means you're our slave for a month. - damn it! damn it! i was so close. damn it! - now, the first thing i want you to do for us is-- - wait a minute. i don't have to be your slave. - what? - the north still won the civil war. that means slavery is abolished! - he's right, boys. slavery is illegal and immoral, partially in thanks to the north winning the civil war. - aw! - [mocking laughter] - aw, to hell with it. let's just go home. thanks a lot, bill clinton. - yeah, thanks, dick. captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world nuses headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (applause). >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody, thank you so much for tuning in, i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, our guest tonight is a white house corr

. - cartman? - i told them everything, you guys. it's over. - luckily for us, one of you had enough of a conscience to come forward. - my consciences just caught up with me. - that's not fair. - you all get two weeks of detention, except for eric, who gets one week for being brave. - but--but he's lying. he doesn't have a conscience. - well, i guess my work here is done. after all this, i'm gonna need a long vacation. - this was supposed to be my story, my coming to terms with a guilty conscience. this isn't fair. - okay, josh, time to go back to the-- oh, no. - he--he was too fast for me. he ran out the door. - well, couldn't you have gone after him? - well, i'm covered in toilet paper. i'd look silly. [bell ringing] - welcome to detention. you will be here till 5:00, so make good study use of your time, m'kay? - wugh. two weeks of this. - yeah, but i have to say, i feel a lot better now. - i know what you mean, kyle. i realize now that even though you might not get caught doing something bad, you can still get caught later. - oh,

cartman: ♪ da, da-da, da, da, da-da, da, da, da ♪ ♪ da, da-da, da, da, da-da, da-da, da, da!from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: yeah! welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in, i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight -- ( cheers and applause ) -- our guest tonight, i know many of you are fans, singer and rapper m.i.a. is joining us on the show! ( cheers and applause ) she's the subject of a new documentary, and all we're going to do is chat, chat, chat, and take -- sorry, the rest of the show will be much better. before we get into that. let's catch up on today's headlines. in political news, texas senator ted cruz was at a restaurant last night when some protesters ordered him to go. >> this was on camera, kavanaugh controversy forcing senator ted cruz to leave d.c. last night. >> we believe survivors! we believe survivors! we believe survivors! >> trevor: come on, people, don't kick ted cruz out of a restaurant. now he's just going to be eating a s

r and what i'm saying is that-- - um, eric cartman, we got an emergency message from your mother. "kyle didn't have it after all. she said you'd know what what means, m'kay? - lame.lame. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause). >> trevor: hey! welcome to the daily show, everybody. thank you so much for tuning in. (applause). >> trevor: i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, our guest tonight is a really amazing man, chef jose andres is here, everybody. and he's here to discuss his new book "we fed an island" about his work in puerto rico after hurricane maria. which definitely happened. but first let's catch up on today's headlines. remember how donald trump said he wanted to deter illegal immigrants? well, like most things he does, it isn't really working out. >> "the new york times" reports the detention of pie grant children in the u.s. has skyrocketed to the highest levels ever. almost 13,000 my grant kids are being housed at federally contracted shel

evening and he later turned provider for julieann vital who rounded off the scoring at seven now cartman's biggest bundesliga win in more than thirty years. and by a late because in start to the new season has been their worst since one thousand nine hundred eighty two with three defeats in just one when only added to that when iran river derby by besting. it was last season. second division champions who started this one on the front foot and they would have taken the lead after just five minutes if you guess credits he hadn't spread himself to deny benito the man. after another smartly worked attack by the hosts the next chance fell to move in headings but once again laver cusins finished stop a refused to be beaten. continued to produce some fine attacking combinations in the first half but couldn't take their chances on thirty three minutes it was one small remand the next labor accusing are. still things looks good for the home side at half time. but just five minutes after the restart for two no were punished for their failure to school i kevin fall and left alone at the post after a

i hate having cartman as a best friend. me too, he sucks. oh yeah, well i don't need you guys anyway. you guys can kiss my... uh-huh, there's a king 'croc right there. and what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna sneak up on it and jam my thumb in... hey, get me out of here ! it smells like kenny's house in here ! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: oh wow. wow! welcome to the daily show, everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. this is great. sit down! sit down, this is amazing. wow, you guys are fun. our guests tonight are eli saslow and derek black. they are here to scwus an amazing story of derek transformation as a former white nationalist who now fights for racial equality. talk about a plot twist. but first let's catch up on today's headlines. bert & ernie, a beloved "sesame street" characters but the question on everyone's mind this week was if that segment was brought to you by the letters, l, g, b, t, q. >> we are back now

we carfentanil -- we cartman -- we compartmentalize as human beings. take views from both sides. >> yeah. let me show you a map here. in the 19th century, americans are spreading westward. we will talk about manifest destiny soon. americans are spreading westward and there are all these new territories. you can see in the american southwest and the american west that aren't states yet, but americans are moving westward. they start in the northeast, and this country has a long history of diffusion, moving west in search of land, jobs, better life. well, when americans move west, there becomes a huge issue that if these territories are going --of all -- to evil all the to evolve into statehood one day, will they be slave or free? that is the burning question of the hour, will these territories be slave or free? what did the people in the south say about these new territories? slave or free? what did the people in the north say? we have this inherent tension right away. southerners want them to be slaved and northerners want them to be free. what does lin

draws events and he is the publisher of the investigate newspaper called media's all known while cartman i met it was kitchen of these characters he was playing with our cameraman flip it was funny so it's a couple pieces of both of them so he's a likable person someone where you and i would like you know in the bottom ok i mean a drug storage in moscow in a house here in a studio in berlin thank you both very much now to some of the other stories making news around the world syrian state media say israel has launched a missile attack on the main airport in damascus the claims were backed up by the syrian observatory for human rights said the attack targeted arms warehouses and caused heavy damage no casualties were reported. german defense minister under line has held talks in baghdad over german military support for iraq german soldiers stationed in jordan and iraqi kurdistan have been helping in the fight against the islamic state underlines says assistance should now extend to other areas such as stabilization and reconstruction. an israeli man has died after being stabbed by a pales