- well, my dad's-- - dude, cartman! - i forgot all about him! - he's been up there for like 3 weeks! - wow! - that's amazing! - hey, guys, i am really pissed off now! - dude, you're still alive, cartman? - get me down from here! - dude, you survived all this time on the fat stored up in your body? - yeah, and when i get down from here, i'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts! - ♪ you and me girl it's forever ♪ ♪ sha-la la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ you and me girl forever and ever ♪ ♪ sha-la la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, chelsea handler! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> chelsea: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm chelsea handler, and this is it! my last night behind the desk. i hope you enjoyed this week as much as i did, but if you didn't, feel free to tweet me my handle is @ellendegeneres. we've got another excellent show for you tonight, because if you didn't know this already, thursdays are the best. they're like fridays for people who wo

i hate having cartman as a best friend. me too, he sucks.yeah, well i don't need you guys anyway. you guys can kiss my... uh-huh, there's a king 'croc right there. and what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna sneak up on it and jam my thumb in... hey, get me out of here ! it smells like kenny's house in here ! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, chelsea handler! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> chelsea: hi, everybody! i'm chelsea handler! and i'm back for night two of guest hosting "the daily show." if you watched the show last night, you'll know i was on ecstasy, and i was way too high to find my way out of the building, so i'm back here again ayahuasca. [cheers and applause] and let me tell you, i can now see that all of us are part of one infinite consciousness, together in one soul, all of us part of the same holy union. except for tucker carlson. [cheers and applause] which brings us to tonight's headlines. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] here's what dips

. - [cartman-like voice] ah, dude, lame. lame, bummer, dude. - what a stupid voice. - it's okay. the curse has been lifted. - what? - huh? - yeah, we all gotta make sure it doesn't come back. - you see, we've learned something today. swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems. we're all saying the "s" word too much. - kyle. - look, gerald, kyle's on television. - uh-huh. - the knights of standards and practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. - curse words-- they're called that because they are cursed. we have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances. - and besides, so much use of a dirty word takes away from its impact. we believe in free speech and all that, but leaving a few words taboo just adds to the fun of english. - so please, everyone, from now on, you've got to try and watch your language. - yeah. [scattered applause] - yeah. - it makes sense. - got that right. - is this still part of the show? - we're sorry, noble knights of standards and practices. from now on, we will obey your l