(laughter) good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

. >> as far as we're concerned, the lying, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. welcome to the report. please, sit down! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you. we've got to go. we have a huge, huge show for you tonight. my guest tonight, my guest will be mark cuban, he is the owner of the n.b.a. champion dallas mavericks and internet entrepreneur and former "dancing with the stars" mumbo king ♪ if you want to go take a ride with me smot ♪ ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, don't worry, i have made him sign a sworn affidavit that he will not make that face ( laughter ) speaking of ( bleep ) grins, colbert's superpac, thanks to the supreme court's citizenses united ruling, superpacs can take unlimbed donations as long as hay don't coordinate with campaigns, and they reveal their donors, as i have with my crawl of heroes down here. ( laughter ) and i have been moved by the diversity of the donors, folks. scottis

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new source of revenue for the airline industry-- now, only first class gets to land. then, shocking reports out of afghanistan-- also, tons of heroin. and my guest, coldplay have a new album called "mylo xyloto." if you say it backwards, they return to their home dimension. antidepressant use is up 400% since 1988. someone should do something about that but, god, it just seems so impossible. this is "the colbert report." ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. please, thank you for join joining us. nation... nation, by now, you've all heard the big news-- coldplay is here. ( cheers and applause ) speaking of colds, there's also big news out of libya. jimmy? make the tv speak. >> a u.s. government official now says that libya's leaders hav

[cheering and applause]captioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

. >> there's fecal strep on my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause )

. ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgoning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight police crack down on occupy wall street protestors. satisfied? someone on wall street is going to jail. then new developments in the nba lockout. will lebron be taking his talents to the fries station at ar bees? and my guest country music star toby keith has done 18 o-- 180 shows for the uso. we'll talk about the one time i went. a california-- was caught selling illegal pain kills out of a starbucks. hey, everyone else in starbucks, now you finally got a great idea for that screenplay. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steveen, stephen! >> stephen: that came out very nicely. thank you so much. folks, you know, by the way you are chanting you would think i was famous. (laughter) folks, it is a dark day in america. our way of life is under attack fro

(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [applause] thanks for coming out. thanks for watching. love, peace, and hair grease. [applause] hey, liz. me, lutz, toofer, and josh are gonna go to that bar where the waiters are dressed like ninjas.

. >> there's fecal strep on my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: sorry, i want to tell you, hold on, write the show! (laughter) >> what would you like to search for? >> i don't want to search for anything, i want to write the show. (beeping) >> searching the web for "search for anything i want to write the show" (laughter) >> stephen: sorry, folks, i was just talking to my new iphone 4s it's got voice recognition technology that answers any question. it's really cool and i've been playing with it all day so i lost track of time and don't have anything for tonight's show. (laughter) hold on one second, okay. all right, hold on. come on, baby. come on. what am i talking about tonight? >> no comment. (laughter) >> stephen: for the love of god! the cameras are on! give me something. >> what are you looking? camera stores or churches? (laughter) >> stephen: (bleep) you. (cheers and applause) >> i wish that i could. (laughter) >> stephen: moving on. you know what? let's

(laughter) good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org oh, hey, i, uh, i found your lipstick. oh! oh, no, this isn't mine. this is sunset blush. i wear tiger orgasm. but it was in my apartment. [sniffs] i don't know why i told you about the pop-tart. but that's weird. it's just me and pete at my place. hello, ladies.

[cheering and applause]captioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgg, yah. wanna come? oh, i can't. my cousin is in town. all right. see ya though. mm-hmm. liz, i'm getting drinks with recently-divorced camera guy. you in? well, uh... legally separated sound guy's gonna be there. oh. i-i don't feel well. oh. okay. hey, liz lemon. i'm going to an animals-only strip club. interested? does that mean the animals strip, or the animals are the customers? animal customers? that's ridiculous. well, um, i have got a date. so...i...yeah.

polls, nah, they're forcaptioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgnight, a new way to crack down on illegal immigration. has anyone asked them to leave

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new immigration law has unintended consequences. you can now be deported for taco tuesday. [laughter] then halloween horror. this year someone is handing out crazens. and my guest taylor brant says college athletes deserve to be paid. why? they're just going to blow it on something frivolous like student lobe debt. it's the tenth anniversary of the patriot act. but what do you get for the government that knows everything? this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: yeah. not bad. thank you very much. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. please. sit down. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, everybody knows i'm an animal lover. beef, pork, poultry, even fish. i am incensed every time peta speaks for the animals. they can speak for themselves. evidently all they care about is cereal and insurance. [laughter] and now, folks, peta is speaking for the whales. >> tal

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. >> stephen: tonight, a new way to crack down on illegal immigration. has anyone asked them to leave in espanol? [laughter] and it's the jewish new year, so put on your little flat party hats. then ken burns is here to talk about his new documentary "prohibition." in his honor, i will interview him hammered. amazon unveiled its new ipad competitor, the kindle fire. i'm going to use mine to order the new iphone. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. you're very kind. [audience chanting "stephen"] thank you very much, you especially. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. thank you so much. thank you so much. thank you. please, please. folks, folks, you know what, if i were here, i'm sure i would do the same thing. and, folks, everybody out there in not-on-tv land, it must seem to you as though all us celebrities know each other. i bet you think somewhere j

how do you captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, big changes in the republican field. it's a ten-way tie for "not romney." (laughter) then, a music legend gets into trouble. turns out billy joel did start the fire! (laughter) and my guest is award-winning actor john lithgow. our emmys are going to have a play date. (laughter) nbc has canceled "the playboy club." apparently just watched it for the articles. this is "the colbert report". the (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") thank you very much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, that is music to my ear. nation, yoon about you, but i could not be more excited about all the options in the g.o.p. presidential field. (laughter) these candidates are like the perfect appetizer sampler platter. you've got pizza bites, crazy bread, boiled potato, texas toast, foie gras, imitation foie gras, uninspected squirrel jerky all w

tonight on huckabee, man finds god, becomes a savior captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new developments in my colbert superpac. i can't wait to find out if i'm legally obligated it to tell you about them. (laughter) and my guest lieutenant colonel jason amerine has done two tours of duty in afghanistan in the last ten years. halfway through the interview i will turn my interest toward iraq. a scientific panel has recommended against prostate testing. but my prostate was up all night cramming. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. thank you, please, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i've got to tell you, on nights like this when i hear that applause, it's like i've snorted a line of you. (laughter) and folk

(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by mtv television networks

polls,captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org.ephen: tonight, a new way to crack down on illegal immigration. has anyone asked them to leave in espanol? [laughter] and it's the jesh

how do you captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org surprise surge in the polls for herman cain. could he become america's first black president i acknowledge? then ashton walked out on demi -- i'm sorry. [laughter] plus my guest tonight, our musical group

how do you captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgbig changes in the republican field. it's a ten-way tie for "not romney." (laughter) then, a music legend gets in

tonight on huckabee, man finds god, becomes a savior captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupwgbh access.wgbh.org

how do you captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orge surge in the polls for herman cain.