[ cheers ] sorry. that was not $100.k ice cream. [ audience ohs ] >> it's so cold. >> jimmy: it's so cold. sorry, sorry. look your brother's freaking out like that, man. [ laughter ] >> i won't. >> jimmy: yeah, you won't do that, right? it's embarrassing. >> oh, it is embarrassing. >> jimmy: no, come on. pick -- get a number here. what do you think? [ audience yells ] >> all right. my dad's saying two. i like two. let's go with two. >> jimmy: all right, two. you're going to go for nina! ♪ nina it looks like a light bucket, could be $100. let him have the $100. and no. [ audience ohs ] [ sad tuba ] that is strawberry jam. dad, you're going to hear this father's day. you're going to hear about this. your dad said two and he was wrong. that's strawberry jam. [ light laughter ] all right. here we go. what do you think, my man? [ drum roll ] >> i like the way number five is looking at me. i'm going to go number five. >> jimmy: number five is looking at you. good. he's talking about scarlett b! ♪ scarlett b scarlett b could ha

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody, welcome. thank you for being here tonight. welcome. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. hope you're feeling good. it's going to be a great show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] going to be good. hey, president obama celebrated his 50th birthday tonight in chicago. that's right. yep. obama cut the cake, then republicans cut everything else. [ laughter ] yeah. did you see this? while eating at a burger place today, president obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it when he saw michelle coming. [ laughter ] quick -- take these cigarettes too. you shouldn't -- [ laughter ] -- smoke and drink milkshakes. i'm

[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. i'eç gj t to say hi to everybodyphere, d all my cousins by the dozens. [laughter] nation, texas governor rick perry has been in the race only three days and he's already blowing away the competition like it's a trespassing coyote. [laughter] in the very first poll perry has an 11-point lead. eleven! jim, let's turn the governor's collar up to 11. [laughter] this early lead is no surprise considerin' the straight shootin' perry's been doin' on the campaign trail. >> we're calling today on the president of the united states to put a moratorium on regulations across this country, because his regulations, his epa regulations are killing jobs all across america. >> stephen: yes. any candidate can say the environmental protection agency is killing jobs. but only parry goes the extra step, and says it while killing the environment with his idling bus. [laughter] and folks -- [cheers and applause] true, true. and -- can i almost sm

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's what i'm talking about. hey! what's happening, buddy? that's nice. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody! oh man. [ cheers and applause ] going to be a good show. i got that feeling. hey, listen to this, you guys. a new poll found that 77% of americans think lawmakers acted like spoiled children during the debt ceiling debate. yeah. [ laughter ] in response, lawmakers issued a statement saying, nuh-uh. [ laughter ] you act like spoiled children. why are you hitting yourself? why are you hitting yourself? [ laughter ] hey, it's rumored that charlie sheen checked his ex-wife brooke mueller out of rehab in mexico and brought her to another facility. which begs the question, wht kind of rehab le

[ cheers and applause ] thank you so much, that was [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about, everybody. it's going to be a great show today, pals. nice to see you guys, welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." oh, it's going to be a good show. i feel it already, yep. [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be a goody. you guys, there are riots in london, there's chaos in the middle east, economic disaster around the world but here's the good news. we have snooki on the show tonight, guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's going to be all right, you guys, it's going to be all right. speaking of "jersey shore," in a new interview, "the situation" said he's hoping to start a movie career. [ laughter ] which is why today, he was like, "theatre numbe

[ cheers and applause ] ♪aw the country doctor to ask him what was wrong with me ♪ ♪ he was caught unaware accidental and devil may care ♪ ♪ behind the curtain i see bottles unmarked in front of me ♪ ♪ whoa, nobody knows the trouble i've seen ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's my man, right there. that's bruce hornsby, right there, sitting in with the roots. [ cheers and applause ] bruce hornsby, oh my god. here's his latest album, "bride of the noisemakers." [ laughter ] what is this? bruce, explain yourself. >> can you hear me? >> jimmy: yes, i can. >> okay, great. explain myself? i need to explain the lovely couple, there. >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, "bride of the noisemakers" is sequel to our first live record, "here come the noisemakers," so, you know, it was either "beneath the planet of the noisemakers" or "bride of the noisemakers." but that is the miserable couple. it's my bass player, j.d. collier, getting married to my keyboard player, j.t. thomas. [ laughter ] in drag. and you know what john t

[cheers and applause] woo! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] oh, boy. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much, everybody. i want to give a big shout out out here, out there to all my bronies who may be watching. [laughter] don't ride the white brony. after laugh it's -- [laughter] nation, it is exactly 11:32 eastern time, if i had not pre-taped this show four hours ago. [laughter] so i don't know whether congress has passed the compromise plan to raise the debt ceiling. or whether we defaulted and you are watching this from a cave, eating squirrels that you are cooking over a pile of u.s. treasury bonds. [laughter] now, i'm betting default which is why i spent the weekend bottling my own urine to use as drinking water. remember, you want to run it through the brita three times. [laughter] after that, you are golden, or rather you are not. [laughter] but if the unthinkable happens and congress cooperates, there's a silver lining to solvency because this is the best kind o

(cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. welcome to the report, everybody. it is so-- (cheers and applause) it is so good to have you with us. folks-- (cheers and applause) thank you very much. welcome to the great american scream machine. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, there is a lot of news out there and we will get to all of it, i promise you. but first i have to start by issuing a rare apology. it goes out-- i know, i know. it goes out to the team at abc channel 5 woi des moines news lieder. last week i attacked woi when their general manager ray cole refused to air our colbert report superpac ads. you have [bleep] with the wrong people! colbert superpac is 165,000 strong, baby, here us roar. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i happen to foe you haven't won a local emmy in ten years. want to touch mine? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now that was a low blow. alm

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's gonna be a fun show tonight, you guys many of you know, it is "shark week." that's right. so now, it's time for a quick shark fact. >> shark fact! ♪ >> if a shark laughs too hard, it will poop. ♪ [ loud crunching ] >> mm, so good. back to you, jimmy. >> jimmy: we got a big show tonight, you guys. you know him from his many hilarious years on "saturday night live," my old pal, horatio sanz is in the house tonight! [ cheers and applause ] he's my favorite. a funny, funny individual. also here tonight, wwe superstar, triple h. [ cheers and applause ] he's a great dude. i love it when triple h stops by. and we got a performance from one of the coolest, most interesting shows playing off broadway, the intergalactic musical "voca people" are here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] they were all white. have you seen them? did you see the rehearsal? >> steve: i've seen pictures. i've seen pictures. >> jimmy: oh, my god, rehearsal was awesome. they just came and they wear white and there's white -- they wear white, like, suits and f

(applause) (cheers and applause) no. when the ap says that xxx has the scientifically quantifiable certain level of support, you can take that to certain bank. (laughter) so i want to know about this mystery candidate xxx. he sounds great. unfortunately, he has a pretty big sex scandal waiting to explode because i googled his name along with the phrase waiting to explode and the results were shocking. (laughter) pretty sick stuff. of course the big loser is tim pawlenty. sadly, pawlenty made this announcement on abc's this week with jake tapper. >> i'm announcing this morning on your show that i'm going to be ending my campaign for president. what i brought forward i thought was a rational, established, credible strong record of results but i think the audience so to speak was looking for something different. >> stephen: yes, they were not looking for rational. rationality is the third rail of american politics. (laughter) and for the love of god, we eat fried butter on a stick. does that sound like the act of a rational

(cheers and applause) ok, people. show me the best way to design a vacation on a budget with expedia. make it work. booking a flight by itself is an uh-oh. see if we can "stitch" together a better deal. that's a hint, antoine. ooh! see what anandra did? booking your flight and hotel at the same time gets you prices hotels and airlines won't let expedia show separately. book it. major wow factor! where you book matters. expedia. ing that a it for the report, everybody. you may be able to tell, we went a little long with the interview with ambassador rice. so i am going to take a page out of jon stewart's book and throw that on the web at some point torrow. everybody here has got to go to bed it is about 3:00 in the morning. that's it for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's

>> jimmy: yeah, cheers. >> cheers. >> jimmy: to stone bone. >> felonious monk.o, no, no. no, no. it tastes like a citronella candle. [ cheers and applause ] ew. but, in a mason jar and everything. but, you guys -- what did you do in mississippi? you just get wasted on moonshine? >> um, yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's about it. but, what -- is there things to do? did you go out? >> there was -- well, we went to walmart. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you went to walmart? >> a lot. a lot. >> jimmy: well, that's -- that's a nice thing. really? >> it was a supercenter. >> jimmy: yes! that's a win. >> yeah, that's a win. >> jimmy: that's a win. that's a win. >> one time i went four times in one day. >> jimmy: did you really? >> yeah, because the first time i got an icee. the second time i got some headphones, and then the list goes on and on. >> jimmy: yeah, walmart's a fantastic place. >> it's the best. it's kind of like a hang out. >> jimmy: yeah. >> in greenwood. >> jimmy: a lot of kids hang out in walmart. >> yeah. i, you know -- >> jimmy: like punks, street punks. [

(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.hanks very much. nation, in just a few moments i'll be sitting down the very last crew of the space shuttle "atlantis." to make them feel at home, we have replaced the green room toilet with a broken dyson vacuum. (laughter) now that america has hung up its astro spurs, countries like india and china have said they're going to the moon. well, i say back off, other countries! that is our moon, we licked it. (laughter) well, perhaps you forgot our nation's proud lunar history, when american astronauts lance armstrong and buzz light-year landed on the moon and said those immortal words "where's the beef?" (laughter) i'd say if we can't go to space than nobody can. it's time to nuke the moon! (laughter) besides helping america stay number one, it will also greatly reduce werewolf attacks. (laughter) so space program, we bid you a fond fair well as we look back at some of nasa's greatest moments. >> that's one small step for man one giant leap for mankind. (laughter) (cheers and applause) (

[cheers and applause] we have become a nation of crises. an economic crisis, and entitlement spending crisis, an energy crisis, an immigration crisis, a foggy foreign policy crisis, and we have a moral crisis, but most of all, we have a severe deficiency of leadership crisis. [cheers and applause] the people of this great nation -- they are tired of excuses. they want responsibility and leadership. the people of this great nation are tired of the blame game spending they want results. result we can get with the right person in the white house. [cheers and applause] our economy is stuck, not growing. our economy has stalled simply because this administration does not recognize that the engine of economic growth is the business sector, and once we get that engine going, this economy will begin to grow. we need to lower the corporate tax rates. we need to take the tax on repatriated profits to zero. we need to take the capital gains tax to zero and make all of them permanent. [cheers and applause] uncertainty is killing this economy. it is kil

[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome barack, everybody.inks americans should be able to pick a president using the internet. yeah, like i need something else embarrassing in my browser history. [laughter] please welcome elliot ackerman. [cheers and applause] thanks for coming on. sit down. you are a chief operations officer for americanselect.org. before that you spent eight years in the marines, multiple towers of duty in iraq and afghanistan, purple star, bronze star, did you get an emmy? i'm in the saying that stuff is not good but did you get an emmy? tell me about americanselect.org. how do you pick a president over the internet? >> well, it's a simple vision in that the vision here son november 6, 2012 when people go to the polls for the first time ever there will be a third ticket that they've directly nominated. >> stephen: a third party? >> a ticket. >> stephen: what is the difference between a ticket and a party? >> we're not a party. parties have special interests. they have agendas. we're a second way to pick a president, one t

[cheers and applause] i know. colla! [cheers and applause] all right, knock it off.ove our new set? the answer is yes. a lot of you sent in your own ideas, which were ignored because you guys have awful ideas. john from cincinnati thinks we should broadcast from his living room. not until you get bamboo floors, my friend. someone else said, "use the talk soup set, since your show's already a rip-off of that." [laughter] that's not funny.

(cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here's your moment of zen. >> i caught up with sarah palin, the only person who is here today who wasn't here last night, she hasn't declared. i asked her who was responsible for the (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: that's nice. that is really nice. folks... (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i guarantee you/guran-damn-tee you crowds do not chant like that for drew barrymore. (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us, everybody. please, heroes, folks, barack obama is spinning his lies again. first it was whoppers like "i love america" and "i'm the president." (laughter) now he is spinning giving americans health care into something positive. >> health care reform-- also known as obamacare. by the way, you know what? let me tell you, i have no problem with folks saying obama cares. i do care. >> stephen: nice try, mr. president. (laughter) folks, you can see the game he'

[cheers and applause] woo! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] oh, boy.ood to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much, everybody. i want to give a big shout out out here, out there to all my bronies who may be watching. [laughter]

( cheers and applause )

[cheering and applause] now..., one place, one place a lot of the other pacs are spending money is on the wisconsin state senator recall election that was triggered over governor scott walker's anti-union campaign. estimates of total spending in wisconsin have reached $25 million. holy schlitz. and some of that cash comes from my pac pals at americans for prosperity, funded by billionaire industrialist charles and david koch. they're like the olsen twins of factory run-offs. americans for prosperity has even sent out these actual helpful absentee ballot applications to democratic districts. now, they had to rush these to print, so some people complained about inaccuracies, but it's minor stuff, like instead of instructing do you send your ballot to the local municipal clerk, where ballots are officially collected, the address on this is "absentee ballot application processing center," which, and this is interesting, does not exist. but i'm sure the koch brothers were going to hand deliver those ballots to the prope

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: new york city! come on! welcome to "late night," everybody. that's what i'm talking about. great new york city crowd. oh my gosh, i'm feeling the energy. this is great. [ cheers and applause ] welcome. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," which i'm proud to announce has maintained its aaa talk show rating. [ cheers and applause ] man, america's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. on friday night, the u.s. actually lost its aaa status. or as joe biden put it, "what happens if i get a flat tire?" [ laughter ] it doesn't -- it doesn't affect that, joe. it doesn't -- some election news. michele bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of "newsweek." did you see the picture? it's not -- take a look. >> j

[laughter] [cheers and applause] mmm. semi gloss? [laughter] the more i drink, the more sense a president rick perry makes. and folks, perry has already lifted all the regulations on his mouth. like when he said this about fed chairman ben bernanke. >> if this guy prints more money between now and the election, i dunno what y'all would do to him in iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in texas. [laughter] >> stephen: oh my god, they'd make him live in houston. [laughter] perry's clearly got the biggest huevos rancheros in this race. which is why colbert super pac has been beating back all these wannabe super pacs to become perry's official unofficial non-connected independent expenditure all you can eat money trough. [laughter] now, while my superpac is legally forbidden from coordinating with his campaign, i think he likes me back. [laughter] exhibit a: the governor of texas announced his candidacy in charleston, south carolina, right around the corner from my childhood home! obviously trying to get my attention! he might as

[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] kevin. did we reinforce the take-off ramp?

(cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. folks, thank you very much, folks. folks, i know it's been hot this summer but i refuse to buy into the myth of global warming. it's just another big media lie, like that so-called finale of friends. (laughter) i know gang's still out there, nbc. show me what they're doing! (cheers and applause) are they happy? but once again the media's trying to convince us that this summer has been extra hot by throwing around fake temperatures. >> the current heat index-- that's the heat and humidity combined-- feels like 116 in little rock, 104 degrees officially, 115 with the heat index. >> the heat index is already running high. it's going to be another scorcher. >> washington, d.c. had a heat index of 121. 121 degrees is what it felt like. >> stephen: big deal! (laughter) who cares what it feels like? i feel like i'm 18 but i still get kicked out of college dorms. (laughter) now, fortunately pundits and part-time weather balloo

(cheers and a (cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the lead singer for the cars who's just released their first studio album in 24 years. shh. nobody tell them there's no music industry anymore. (laughter) please welcome ric ocasek. (cheers and applause) hey, ric! good to see you, my friend. now, long time viewers of the show will know that you are a long-time friend of the show. >> that's true. >> stephen: you've been here since the very beginning. >> that's right. >> stephen: you've been on here, you helped talk about how it's possible to walk on water. >> yup. >> stephen: you put todd rundgren on notice board. >> stephen: oh, i did. >> stephen: you went along where my stage manager bobby to help find my eagle son, stephen, jr. >> yup. >> stephen: thank you for that. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: and now you've got the band the cars. you guys are playing together again and you released your first studio album in 24 years "move like this." >> right. >> stephen: it's... the reviews are incredible. and i am flatter

[cheers and applause] [cheers an] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. [cheers and applause] my guest tonight believes corporate culture should promote employee happiness. that's why i always tell my staff to smile or they're fired. [laughter] please welcome tony hsieh. [cheers and applause] hey mr. hsieh thanks so much for coming up you are the c.e.o. of zappos. >> yes. >> stephen: everybody knows you get your shoes there. you retail clothing? >> even handbags kitchen wear, housewares. a whole bunch of categories. >> stephen: you are selling happiness. >> yes staoefrpblgt the name of book is "delivering happy happi a path to profit passion and purpose." i've been told that money can't buy happiness. i've long suspected it was a lie. are you telling me i'm right? >> we talked about a business model in the book. we're talking about as happiness as a pwod model, making customers happy, making employees happy. >> stephen: you've got ten ideas, corps values you live by at zappos. number one, deliver wow! [laughter] through service so you are not just sending

(laughter) (cheers and applause) (applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: there's no doubt...his goes out to my homies at nasa. we'll be right back with the crew from the space shuttle "atlantis." (cheers and applause) the eagle flies at dawn. the monkey eats custard. price-line ne-go-ti-a-tor. so, you've been double crossed by other travel sites and now you want to try the real deal. yes, is it true that name your own price... ...got even easier? affirmative. we'll show you other people's winning hotel bids. so i'll know how much to bid... ...and save up to 60% i'm in i know the lady in leather travels on three wheels. wait, is that code? that's my secret weapon... ...naomi pryce see winning hotel bids now at priceline. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight are the crew of the last space shuttle mission. if you see anything burst from their chests, run. please welcome commander chris ferguson, colonel doug hurley, colonel rex waldheim and dr. sandra magnus. (cheers and applause) heroes all thank you so much for joining us. i've got to tel

[cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen"] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. nation, the dow lost 519 points today. it's the single biggest drop since two days ago. [laughter] everybody's trying to make sense of the markets. luckily, the new york post explained it all with today's cover story. "crazy stox like a hooker's drawers-- up, down, up"! [cheers and applause] this is analysis everyone can understand. you get a hooker, everyone's excited that her panties are up. then the underwear starts to drop, people start getting upset, grown men are crying, clutching their heads, worried for their futures and their childrens'. [laughter] then the hooker pulls her underwear up-- happy days are here again, somebody rings a bell and everybody goes home. if you paid the extra fifty bucks for the bell. and it's not a bell. [laughter] i look forward to more of this kind of analysis such as: "london just like hooker's genitals-- burning!" and "somali refugees like hooker's libido-- always hungry!" and "new york post front page like hooker-- will say anyt

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] [cheersand applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [crowd chanting stephen repeatedly] [cheers and applause] thanks so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, the 2012 election is upon us, and i love a good horse race. i like to go with the candidate who looks like he's been gelded. [laughter] that's why i'm saddling up newt gingrich. i really think he's the guy. and though some of the members of the lame-scream-meania -- [laughter] -- have counted him out, newt knows he's got something the other candidates don't. saying, quote: "i have six times as many twitter followers as all the other candidates combined." [laughter] yes, newt has won the coveted voting bloc of bored people at work. newt's got 1.3 million followers, while bachmann's has only 66,000, mitt romney has÷fh÷ 63,000, and ron paul has "what's a twitter? is this how i ebay?" [laughter] forget polls, this is the most important indicator of an electable president. that's why

(cheers and applause) head in the clouds. folks, to deal with information overload, the human brain uses something called "transactive memory" relying on friends and family to remember things you don't have space for. like when a husband remembers to pay the electric bill while the wife remembers everything he's done wrong for the past ten years. (laughter) now our brains are applying the same technique online. it seems tha seems seems that b, columbia researcher and decembererist song lyric recently published a report called "memefully the age of google." subjects in the study were asked to type facts into a computer such as "an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain." now, to determine how the internet affects our memory, half were told those facts were saved in the computer and the other half were told they would not be saved. the results were fascinating. but i didn't commit them to memory because i knew i could always look them up on youtube. (laughter) jim? >> when people think that they can look up stuff online, you kn