i'm chuck pierce. we begin tonight's broadcast-- - i don't get it.er again? [all groaning] [tense quirky music] - remember, one word off-prompter, and i kill the show and my corgi. - what? why? - [in chuck's voice] good evening. we begin tonight's broadcast with an update on the recent biscuit blitz hacking scandal and the brave ceo who put an end to it. - good evening. tonight's show will be a little different. just a man and a camera and the truth. - whoa, is he hot? - smokin'. - we take a look at the recent hacking scandal and at the story that one ceo doesn't want you to hear. - [in chuck's voice] mildred marlock vows to find whoever was responsible, because it definitely wasn't her. portia? - thanks, chuck. coming up, a chicago homicide victim refuses to talk. what is she hiding? stay with us. - well, you got your story. are you happy now? - no, i'm disappointed, the way you ambushed me yesterday. what kind of man tries to throw his own grandmother under the-- oh, what do you call that long, tall car for poor people, uh... oh, anyway. it's a sha

chuck pierce is back in town! [laughs] - yeah, here we are. [thud] - oh, my god! okay, great. chuck. - the show. - yes. now obviously, i can't read a teleprompter like this. - uh-huh. - so carol, i need you to be my eyes. - oh, i don't know. - all you have to do is print out the prompter from the enps and get a walkie. set it to the same channel that feeds my earpiece. then hide up here and read me my lines so that no one knows i can't see. easy! - oh no, chuck. i-i can't handle all that. i'm just a mom. - no, carol! you're an intern. and you're the only one that can help me now. - okay. here goes nothing. - thank you, carol. and you know what? i've never told anyone this but i think what i'm most afraid of is not being replaced. it's being alone. carol? carol? - it's totally cool. there's, like, lightning and smoke. oh, wait. there's a wizard that comes out. he looks kinda like my dad. - oh, god. what have i done? this is gonna be a disaster. - in a couple years, everybody's gonna be wearing an outfit like this. - you know, when i peed my pants in my high school play-- kinderg

. - ah, the great chuck pierce. saddam hussein fell on your porta potti. - what a wonderful compliment, dame marlock. it's a pleasure to meet you too. greg has told us so little about you. - well, i just feel it's inappropriate to bring family drama into the workplace. - yeah. - go to school, mom! - i'm an old woman! okay, fine. but i want a backpack with "frozen" on it. - we will talk about a backpack with "frozen" on it. - good lord, who's that? - that is our 60-year-old intern, carol. - no, not her. you know, you should hire more older women. we don't eat, so it's cost effective. i mean the shrill one. the one that was yelling at her. - oh, that's katie. she's the one who's been working on that big hacking story i was telling you about. - ah, yes. the biscuit game. i'm anxious to know more about that. - katie, any updates on your story? - uh, no, but please keep bugging me about it every second 'cause that's super helpful. - okay, well, just get through those boxes because we do not want to get scooped. - uh, don

i am never kissing chuck pierce. - well, you better think of something, because if chuck feels rejecteden be able to look you in the eye. - oh, no, and then i'm gonna be stuck doing stupid fluff pieces with por...shh... i'm sorry--i couldn't think of anything. [hip-hop playing] [overlapping chatter] [muffled music continues] - [singsong] yoo-hoo! greg, what are you doing moping in here? come on out and have a little fun. - i'm not moping. i'm about to get fired for all this, so i'm looking for a new job. - okay, you know what, mister? i am sick of your bad attitude! all you care about is running this office and following rules and making sure we do a show every day. - that is literally my job description. - you're a grump, and it's trickled down to your whole staff. - well, i'm sorry, carol, but when things go wrong around here, it falls on my shoulders and only my shoulders. you wouldn't understand. you've never been a boss. - no. but i've been a mom. - oh, god. - people say that that is the hardest job in the world. [buzzer sound] ehhhh! they're wrong! it's fun! but that's because i m

next week, i, chuck pierce, will return to the field, reporting live from... ♪ dum, dum, dum south sudan - yes! this is gonna be great for the show. we can start running promos immediately. chuck, you are my hero. - no, greg, the real heroes are the brave men and women who are out there every day, doing the impossible. - the troops. - magicians. - okay, what is your game? and don't say canasta. you with your "cool, 69s" and "not amens." i'm on to you. no, i'm not. [whispering] what is happening? - do you need me for this argument? - i know you. you are just dying to say it. "trip has a tattoo, he hates god, men shouldn't wear bracelets, dangerous jobs are for turks." so let's just have it out. why should i break up with him? - i didn't notice any of that. i like him. - wait, you like him? how? he has so many flaws. - i guess i don't judge people by their appearance. - that is all you do. you were a judge at my high school's hot body contest. wait, why did you organize that? - that was a fundraiser, and you're just mad you lost. you said to me, "the only thing i want is for you to like my

but if you, chuck pierce, one of the greatest newsmen ever to live, if you can't get the job you've alwaysuck, there's so much to live for. a pet, maybe, a kid, if you have one, whatever holidays you celebrate, being on wikipedia, i hope. [all groan] - what? that ain't gonna work. - come on. - just please, don't jump. we all really, really, care about you, chuck. - wait, did you hear that? - hey, chuck, it's me, justin. hey, i just wanna tell you how much you mean to me. you know, i never had a dad. - you're an inspiration, chuck. when i was a kid, you came and spoke at my school, and, the very next day, my hot teacher came in and said you stole her underwear. - i named my dog after you. well, chuck norris, but--but still. - chuck, i've always admired you. remember your stalker, lorraine? that was me. - listen to that. all those people care about you. - i feel like tom sawyer. - like you're at your own funeral. - no, like i'm an amazing song by rush. - chuck, the only reason i give you such a hard time is because i'm jealous. you're smart and accomplished and you must weigh like nothing be

all right, twitter user funnydude49 says, chuck pierce looks like fred savage from the future came back that he's old will be a meth addict. >> that looks like us on the "today" show. there it is, the yellow digital suite. check out how much it looks like the early days of the orange room. this is when i walked from the desk out of the darkness into the shockingly orange room there. let's see what they just did. this is the same exact thing, right from the dark, right into the brightness of it all. look at this whole thing. they really just nailed it. so i want to give a shout-out to everybody. great news for the great work. it's a funny show. advil liqui - gels work so fast you'll ask what bad back? what pulled hammy? advil liqui - gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil. fromto the wobbling yogis.kers to the stationary race winners, we all need lean protein. and it comes in a jimmy dean's delights breakfast sandwich. stacked with 17 grams of protein. lean into a great day. shine on. coppertone versus the sun. [ children laughing ] coppe