tonight -- with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, once more, here'smel! ♪ clps [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. appreciate that. welcome to the show. you know what would be fun? you know what would be a fun thing? i'm going to -- i'm going to go back there, and when i come out, i'll pretend to come out again, everybody, when i reach this spot, i would like everyone to yell "hi jimmy." okay? all right. so here we go. ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone! isn't that great? we'll work out the kinks over the next few months. glad you found us. isn't mapquest great? it really is something, isn't it? hey did, you hear about michael vick and nike? good. let me tell you about it. yesterday, yesterday there was some uproar because the agent for football player and dog fight promoter michael vick announced that his client had an endorsement deal with nike, but apparently that is not the case. nike denies the deal with vick. and they said legally they wouldn't be allowed to negotiate until they figure out if it would conflict with the terms of his deal with sa

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" and now, if everybody's ready, here's here'smel! clps [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice. i'm jimmy kimmel, welcome to the show. here's the plan for tonight. we have kiss on the program this evening, so, what we're going to do is, we're going to rock and roll all night and then, rather than party every day, we're going to get up tomorrow early and go to work. this country is in no shape to be partying every day. i do want to wish a happy birthday to simon cowell. 50 years old today. still has the nipples of a 22-year-old pamela anderson. really does. simon cowell threw him a $1.6 million birthday party over the weekend at a mansion just outside london. when they brought out the cake, no one would sing. who needs the abuse, quite frankly? not everybody was able, was invited to go overseas. some of his old pals from "american idol" put together a video for him to send their best wishes on his special day. ♪ happy birthday to you >> i want to say big [ bleep ] to simon. >> you're [ bleep ]. >> simon, bite my [ bleep ]. >>

cleto, let's get on that. well, thank you for coming. whitney port, everybody. tuesday nights at 10:30 on mtv. and look for our new business, hookers and pizza, coming to your neighborhood soon. we'll be right back with shinedown. so much real cheese... >>> the j >>> the jimmy kimmel live concert series sponsored by bed light golden wheat. ( beeping, whirring ) ♪ - baking complete! - ( bell dings ) cheez-it®! where do you come up with this stuff? hi, dad! lots and lots of cheese baked into little, little bites. cheez-it®. the big cheese. we use k-y yours and mine right, and this one... this one has an awesome sensation for me. yeah, and this one is... uh... does really cool things for him. and when they combine... (announcer) k-y brand yours and mine. professionals by suave. salon-proven to work as well as salon brands. ♪ going to burgertown, want anything? if they still have "the can my butt look any bigger meal," will you get me one? me, too. and i'll have "the extra tight pants combo." tom? how about "the feel so bloated i just wanna sleep for 3 days meal?" t

and cleto and the cletones! ♪ and now for your amusement, here's jimmy kimmel!and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to the show. you're watching at home, thank you for watching at bars on the little tv where you can't actually hear anything i say. over the course of the next hour, i will share my secrets to getting the job, the house, and the man of your dreams. did i say man? i meant lady. just out of curiosity, who in our audience tonight does not have health care? [ applause ] >> jimmy: the whoos are appropriate. don't clap hard, you're spreading disease over the rest of us. people are going nuts over the health care stuff. yesterday, representative joe wilson of south carolina was formally reprimanded for shotting at president obama for his address to congress last week. he's the guy who yelled "you lie" in the middle of president obama's speech. while most people condemned his behavior, some people at these health care rallies are embracing him as a heroes. >> i had yelled it a number of times. when he finally said it, i thought someone had finally said it. >> h

with cleto and the cletones. and now, look out, here's jimmy kimmel!heers and applause ] captions paid for by abc, inc. >> hi, i'm jimmy. thank you for watching. welcome to the show. i want everyone to be on their toes tonight because at some point during the program i'm going do a cannonball in the audience and i do not need another bruise on my brain. quick show of hands, who in our audience married a kardashian this weekend? anyone? a couple of people? i have to say i'm surprised at the amount of attention that's been given to the what more odom/khloe kardashian wedding. it's not like he's kobe bryant, and chlkhloe is the sister of k. kim made the sex tape and somehow, khloe became famous from it. if i was kim, i'd be asking her to pose for some topless cell phone shots or something. lamar and khloe met a month ago, lamar paid her 6 thousand dollars bar tab. and now they're married. it was revealed that the wedding would not be legal until they sorted out the prenup and the word today, their lawyers have come to an agreement on the prenup but they'r