tonight, kathryn hahn, dominic west, and music from beach weather, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. i appreciate that. thank you very much. hi, guys. thanks. hi, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on the monday after thanksgving. you know, it's cyber monday today. well, that's very kind.

cleto? >> funshine. >> jimmy: funshine bear. cleto?> cleto: tenderheart bear. >> jimmy: he's got a tender heart. guillermo? oh, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: hi, everybody! yeah! >> jimmy: of course, snuggle the fabric softener bear. remember snuggle the bear? do you remember snuggle bear from the commercials? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy, of course, from the commercials. >> jimmy: snugglebear was big. in kaels you're too young to have seen snuggles or you don't remember, this is the bear that captured america's hearts and laundry in the year 1986. >> once upon a time, fabric softeners cost a lot. but now there's new snuggle fabric softener. >> hi, i'm snuggles. snugly softness that's really less expensive. look, i can tell it's fluffy. blankets, cuddly. even shirts caked with blood. if there's an accident, you know what else is soft. human flesh. [ laughter ] savory flesh. wait -- where is your baby? [ laughter ] shh, baby's sleeping. in snugly softness. so innocent. so defenseless. [ laughter ] the perfect size for a s

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!s very nice. very kind. welcome, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you, cleto. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us on a night of pom pulse and circumstance from palm beach, florida. [ laughter ] the final votes for last week's

cleto. very nice. hello, my fellow americans. i'm jimmy.ection night. our award-winning coverage starts now. we are live from our

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.reciate that. thank you, thank you. welcome. very kind. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. i'm glad you're in the mood. today was kind of a scary day here in los angeles. that hang happened again. what do you call it? rain. [ laughter ] it rained today. hasn't rained here since easter of 1993. [ laughter ] woke up, it sprinkled for like an hour this morning. everybody who works here showed up dressed like the crew of an alaskan fishing boat. [ laughter ] galoshes galore! in london, where they get a lot of rain. they had some wind too. the wind blew a giant holiday ornament down the street. blew the tinsel right off it. it was part of a display and rolled into oncoming traffic. and then his friend showed up. [ laughter ] you know, balls travel in twos. [ laughter ] i think that's god sending a message that it's too early to put up christmas decorations. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's unbelievable, it really is. a lot of stores and people have their decorations u

tonight, kathryn hahn, dominic west, and music from beach weather, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. i appreciate that. thank you very much. hi, guys. thanks. hi, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on the monday after thanksgving. you know, it's cyber monday today. well, that's very kind. i appreciate it. now sit down. it's embarrassing. cyber monday. this is the day on which we go online, with the intent of shopping for your loved ones and wind up buying a bunch of stuff for yourself. i bought the cutest jumpsuit. guillermo. thanksgiving is over. those unopened cans of cranberry sauce get pushed to the back of the pantry again to hibernate for another year. we're at the bitter end of leftovers. who else had stuffing for breakfast this morning? just me? it's like tupperware jenga in my refrigerator. last night, we were having the left over leftovers, and quick leftover tip, salad not great after four days. i put it on my plate, had a bite, and scraped it right into t

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice. very kind. welcome, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you, cleto. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us on a night of pom pulse and circumstance from palm beach, florida. [ laughter ] the final votes for last week's midterm elections are still being counted, but the race for 2024 has already begun. donald trump made a big announcement tonight at mar-a-lago surrounded by dozens of his closest friends and thousands of classified documents. [ laughter ] and here it was, the moment none of us have been waiting for. >> wow, whoa, that is some group of people, thousands. so nice. thank you very much, that's really nice, thank you. ladies and gentlemen, i am officially announcing -- [ cheers ] that eric is potty trained. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: good for him. that is a big announcement. you know, it's not easy to potty train when you're almost 40, it's an accomplishment. [ la

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!appreciate it. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. appreciate that. we have so much to get to tonight. of course, i want to start with a young presidential hopeful named donald trump. [ laughter ]

cleto. very nice. hello, my fellow americans. i'm jimmy.hank you for joining us for election night. our award-winning coverage starts now. we are live from our headquarters in hollywood. not only are we live, our audience tonight, this is exciting, our studio audience is made up entirely of herschel walker's children. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and a good-looking group. wait till he meets you guys. daddy's going to love you. that senate race in georgia is one we're watching closely. we'll have a ticker on the screen so you don't have to go to msnbc or any of that stuff. at midnight we also saw what scientists say will be the last lunar eclipse until 2025. a blood moon. and i don't know much about the ancient mayans, but pretty sure a blood moon on election night means everything's totally fine, right? [ laughter ] right, guillermo? >> guillermo: right, jimmy, yes. >> jimmy: oh, wow, look at that. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: the very latest in election fashion. a suit made out of stickers. what do the stickers say? >> guill

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!se ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. welcome. very nice. that's very kind. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming to hollywood to see us. well, i got to tell you something. just on a personal note, i had quite a

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!here. i am jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. please relax, thanks. thanks for watching. it is november 1st. it is -- they call it the day of the dead. more commonly known as the “day

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome. oh, that's very nice. guillermo. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. please relax. it's too much already. and to our viewers watching at home, thank you for joining us after the cma awards. tonight is the biggest night in

tonight -- gwyneth paltrow, and patton oswalt, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!k you very much. thank you very much. welcome to our annual costume party. i am

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.ery nice. welcome, welcome. that's very nice. [ cheers and applause ] thanks a whole lot. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us on the happy taco tuesday,

tonight, rob mcelhenney, emayatzy corinealdi, and music from the heavy heavy, with cleto and the cletonesi, everyone, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for joining us. please relax. settle. special thank you to those watching in texas and

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. please relax. thanks for coming, for watching. you picked a good one to be here. we've assembled a super duper sow tonight.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. very nice.g. thank you for joining us. glad you made it on time. i don't know if you guys -- it's daylight savings monday.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!ause ] >> jimmy: very kind. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. please, relax. thank you for

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: well, that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i want to welcome you. thank you for joining us in

tonight, kathryn hahn, dominic west, and music from beach weather, with cleto and the cletones.el! ♪ >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. i appreciate that. thank you very much. hi, guys. thanks. hi, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on the monday after thanksgving. you know, it's cyber monday today.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!welcome. thanks, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you very much. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. thanks for taking time away

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.nd. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. i'm glad you're in the mood. today was kind of a scary day here in los angeles. that hang happened again. wh

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheering and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. that's very kind. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. before we go even a moment further, i want to wish a very happy birthday to

tonight, rob mcelhenney, emayatzy corinealdi, and music from the heavy heavy, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel. ♪ ♪ >>> thank you. oh, thanks. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for joining us. please relax. settle. special thank you to those watching in texas and pennsylvania. game five between the astros and phillies. you been watching this? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: you just pull a string and he says, yes, jimmy. >> no, it's very sewers. >> jimmy: last night, four houston pitchers combined to throw the first no-hitter since 1956. the most exciting thing that can happen is nothing happening. although to me, a real no-hitter means one pitcher, no at four pitchers. it's like saying i carried a baby grand piano up six flights of stairs and you find out three other guys carried it up the top flights. impressive, not the same. either way it was a momentum killer for the phillies. forced kyle schwarber and answer one of the least answerable questions in baseball history. >> how does it feel when you're rewriting -- the second world series no-no

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice. wow. welcome. thanks, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you very much. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. thanks for taking time away from trying to get taylor swift tickets all day and night to be here. [ laughter ] we are lucky to be in hollywood or maybe we're not lucky, but we're lucky we're not in van wert county -- [ moan ] from there? reacting negatively for no reason? [ laughter ] van wert county, ohio, which is not far from fort wayne, indiana, where there are thousands and thousands of aggressive vermin on the loose. >> thousands of mink are on the loose in ohio after being released from their cages during a break-in. between 25,000 and 40,000 mink were released. the letters "alf" were spray painted on a wall alongside the phrase "we'll be back." apparently stands for "animal liberation front." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, no, it doesn't. i know what alf stands for, it stands for this. >> pass the plum sauce.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ snoes ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very kind. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. please, relax. thank you for joining us on what has turned into election week. i guess there are still votes to be counted. and if you're still in line, stay in line. they have to lit let you vote. at this rate, we might know who wins the super bowl before we know who won the senate. [ laughter ] democrats are optimistic about their chances in arizona and nevada. one of the reasons the democrats still have a decent shot at the senate is because young people, voters age 18-29, favored democrats 63% to 25%. [ cheers ] so now some republicans are looking to raise the voting age to 21. [ laughter ] that's great. let me see if i have this straight. 18 is too young to vote, but 14, old enough to be forced to have a baby. got it? why not raise the voting age to 71 while you're at it? [ laughter ] in georgia herschel walker and raphael warnock have al

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, thank you.elcome. very nice. that's very kind. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming to hollywood to see us. well, i got to tell you something. just on a personal note, i had quite a weekend in florida. we were down at mar-a-lago for the wedding. were you invited to the wedding, tiffany trump? >> guillermo: no, jimmy. >> jimmy: everything was absolutely first class. jimmy john's did the catering. there was a ketchup fountain, which i've not seen. eric was the ring bearer. don jr. gave the worst man speech. everything was perfect! it was sweet too. before the father-daughter dance, donald trump went up to every woman at the wedding and said, "are you tiffany?" once he walked her he walked tiffany down the aisle/bouncy castle. that's what's known as understated elegance right there. then he gave a beautiful toast. i have to admit when he got to the part where he talked about hillary's emails, i teared up. i got emotional. the best part was, i

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: well, that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i want to welcome you. thank you for joining us in southern california, where it's sunny. it's mariah carey time. you know, all she wants for christmas is me. >> guillermo: that's, that's great. >> jimmy: she keeps singing it. [ laughter ] we're into the holidays hard at our house. last night, we decorated gingerbread houses. which i am terrible at. we've already watched "elf," "charlie brown christmas," "home alone," "christmas story," and all three versions of "the grinch." we were watching "the grinch" last night, and you know how at the end of "the grinch," the grinch steals all the toys, and goes up to the mountain, waits for everyone in whoville to cry, he wants them to wake up and cry? but instead of crying, they engorged with love? becomes - well, i asked my kids. i said, "if the grinch came and stole everything, all our toys on christmas morning, would you cry? or would you still

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. very nice.elcome, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. glad you made it on time. i don't know if you guys -- it's daylight savings monday. we got an extra hour, which we spent resetting all our clocks in the house. it's the waste of an hour. didn't we vote to stop this daylight saving nonsense? didn't we, guillermo? >> guillermo: yeah, i think this is the last year. >> jimmy: i'm sure we voted. daylight saving time was definitely not invented by someone who had a five-year-old in the house. speaking of five-year-olds, i want to mention donald trump. on saturday night, my wife starts getting texts asking if we saw what trump said about me. i got no text. she got a lot of them. turns out, fiberace gave me a shout out during one of his blue collar comedy tours. and i have to say. sometimes it feels like he doesn't really like me that much. >> did you see where all these people that don't like us, they're dying? i saw jimmy kimmel said his show is pra

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheering and applause ] >> jimmy: hello.hank you. very nice. i'm jimmy. that's very kind. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. before we go even a moment further, i want to wish a very happy birthday to our announcer, lou wilson. happy birthday, lou! >> lou: thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: you know, we have a big party planned in the parking lot after the show. do you have plans tonight after that? or are you coming to that? >> lou: that is my plans. that's where it ends. >> jimmy: very, very sad. but we'll have fun. lou, i don't know if you know this, but you were born exactly one day and 200 years after joe biden. yesterday was president biden's 80th birthday. the whole family got together at the white house and took away his car keys. they also had a party. it was pretty wild. joe, there he is right there, you can see it was more of a rave than a party. he ended the night by stripping off his dungarees and doing 80 shots of metamucil. it's a do you believe celebration with joe biden.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.'m the host of the show. please relax. thanks for coming, for watching. you picked a good one to be here. we've assembled a super duper sow tonight. duran duran is with us tonight. all the way from wakanda, the black panther cast is with us. the movie premiere is across the theater from us tonight. thgs this is one of the few times of the year, people dressed as superheroes are not high on meth. not only is it "black panther" day, it's national pumpkin day. meth. not only is it "black panther" day, it's national pumpkin day. i thought this was interesting. a grower in minnesota grew the largest pumpkin, 2,560 pounds, it was the size of a dumpster. and dumpster-sized pumpkin grew up to be the president of the united states. speaking of gourds. kanye west is totally out of his. [ laughter ] yesterday ye lost a $1.5 billion deal he had with adidas. [ cheers ] so today he showed up unannounced and uninvited at the corporate office of skechers in manhattan beach. his ex-wife kim did commerc

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome. oh, that's very nice. guillermo. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. please relax. it's too much already. and to our viewers watching at home, thank you for joining us after the cma awards. tonight is the biggest night in country music. they're saying it could take days, maybe even weeks, to figure out who won tonight. [ laughter ] votes in some of the major categories are still being tallied. could come down to a runoff etween carrie underwood and morgan wallen. [ laughter ] so we'll keep an eye on that. yesterday, of course, was an very important day in american history. it was tara reid's 47th birthday. [ laughter ] and also election day. i feel like everyone is exhausted. this is the first election where people don't even have the energy to threaten to move to canada. we just want to go to sleep. [ laughter ] democrats were riding high today. even though they probably lost the house. could still lose th

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. welcome. thank you. i appreciate it. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. appreciate that. we have so much to get to tonight. of course, i want to start with a young presidential hopeful named donald trump. [ laughter ] the yell-ephant in the room, who is back by unpopular demand. i don't know if you watched this. it was quite the scene at mar-a-lago last night. starting with this entrance to a song from the musical "les mis." ♪ here they come. there's former first lady melania with her husband, jean valtrex. [ laughter ] i can think of no better way to kick off another trump campaign than with "les miserables." it's a musical about a criminal with a hot daughter who gets away with it in the end. [ laughter ] should have said "spoiler alert." whatever the soundtrack, trump is waddling for president again. you know, he hasn't actually conceded the last election yet. if he won that,

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.hank you, thank you. very nice. welcome, welcome. that's very nice. [ cheers and applause ] thanks a whole lot. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us on the happy taco tuesday, everybody. i have to say, when i was a kid, thanksgiving was my least-favorite holiday because there were no presents. but now i love thanksgiving because there are no presents. [ laughter ] it's just cooking and eating and football and drinking. it's like being guillermo for a day. >> guillermo: yeah! [ cheers. ] >> jimmy: chicken for thanksgiving instead of turkey? >> guillermo: yes, we love chicken. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: this year, i'm vaping the turkey. [ laughter ] smoking was too much work. the bad thanksgiving news is, everybody's sick. three viruses are on the rise. covid, of course, the flu, and rsv. it's like a disease turducken. all happening at once. the weather could be an issue. they're expecting rain and snow on bo

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice. hello there. i am jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. please relax, thanks. thanks for watching. it is november 1st. it is -- they call it the day of the dead. more commonly known as the “day of the parents who wish they were dead after spending five hours trick-or-treating with last night." [ laughter ] my kids got so much -- they're 50% sour patch now, they're sour patch kids. [ laughter ] it was a nice night. we met up with our cousins and walked around the neighborhood. my kids insisted i dress up. i got this foam slice of pizza, put it on my head. i don't know what i was. a little blond girl, 8 or 9 years old. i swear this happened exactly as i'm describing it. i'm out on the street, don't know this kid, no parents around. she goes, "did you know chinese?" [ laughter ] i'm, "uh, no." "even your google translate app." i'm carrying my niece in one arm, a plastic pumpkin in another arm, i don't want to dig arou