with cleto and the cletones. now, jeff goldblum. ♪ [ cheering and applause ] >> thanks. [ cheering ] >> jeff: imagine this, oh my god. look at all of you. you are so sweet. you are so sweet. i'm so happy to be here. hey, welcome to "jimmy kimmel live!.” [ cheering ] i'm your guest host, my name is jeff goldblum. [ cheering and applause ] a lot of you at this point may be thinking, "hey, what's jeff goldblum doing here. am i having that recurring sex dream again?” and the answer is, "pinch me and find out.” not many people know this, but jimmy kimmel and i, this is true, are actually neighbors here in l.a. yeah, that's true. i'm not going to tell you where exactly. i don't want you showing up. but one time, listen to this, i knocked on his door and said hey, jimmy, he came to the door. i said hey, can i borrow some flour for this and that. he said "sure thing, jeff.” he disappeared, came back with the flour. and i said, "thanks neighbor. if you ever need anything, let me know.” and now here we are. [ laughter ] [

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody! thank you very much. cleto. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. thank you very much. i have to say, hollywood, today in hollywood, it felt like gotham city. we had a real bam, zap, pow, of an event today just outside as batman became the first superhero to get a star on the hollywood walk of fame. not the actors who played batman, the character batman. [ laughter ] got a star. batman's star is located right on the corner here, not far from where his parents were murdered. [ laughter ] there was a big crowd. the chamber of commerce, i guess as we get toward the end of the year -- [ laughter ] they try to save money. so, instead of putting in a whole new star, they got some tape and put it over jason bateman's. [ cheers and applause ] you won't even know. batman isn't the first cartoon character to be honored on the walk of fame. others include bugs bunny, mickey mouse and donald trump. [ laughter

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!heers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very kind. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. welcome to beautiful hollywood, the most -- isn't hollywood the most glamorous place on this planet earth? [ cheers ] and for those who are watching at home, thank you for joining us for our "after the after the initial rose on a new, old season of the golden bachelorette." [ laughter ] or as it is also know “love is blind, partly deaf and frequently incontinent.” [ laughter ] what a program. things are about to get steamier than an icy hot medicated patch! [ laughter ] look at this group. every one of these men looks like the guy playing fetch in a dog food commercial. [ laughter ] the golden bachelorette is joan vassos. who met a lot of interesting suitors tonight. but the one who caught my eye, not that i'm looking for a man, but if i was -- [ laughter ] it would probably be this caterer from chicago named jack. ♪ i've traveled each and every highway and more ♪ ♪ which more

cleto. guillermo, how are you? i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching.hank you for joining us at our headquarters here in hollywood. beautiful hollywood, california. the tmz tour bus capital of the world. [ laughter ] glad you're here. we're now 46 days away from donald trump claiming he won the election, whether he did or not. [ laughter ] kamala harris appears to have momentum. i think. the polls say she does. but they also say she doesn't. i don't know. a slate of new polls have been rolling out over the last few days. "the morning consult" says harris got a big bump from the debate, out to a six-point lead. whereas the "new york times"/siena college poll says she didn't get a big bump, and the race is tied. though that same poll says that while trump and harris are tied nationally, she's up four points in pennsylvania, which is a key swing state that could decide the election. but there's bad news too, because "the washington post" says she and trump are tied in pennsylvania. [ laughter ] though another poll, from franklin and marshall college that c

with cleto and the cletones! and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

with cleto and the cletones.

with cleto and the cletones! and now, jimmy kimmel! cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us in sunny hollywood, california. welcome, thank you very much. this is an exciting day. are you familiar with jane goodall? the great zoologist, anthropologist -- devoted a big chunk of her life to studying chimpanzees. wild chimpanzees. she spent years in the jungle, observing them, learning about them. and in many ways, i feel like i've been doing similar work over the past eight years observing donald trump. no offense to the chimpanzees. after a while -- i don't know how long exactly, dr. goodall, who spent most of her time watching from a distance, began to interact with her fellow primates. and last night, that happened to me, too. when donald trump gave a crowd in indiana, pennsylvania yet another review of my performance at the academy awards. >> remember the academy awards, i said how he's the worst host in the history of the academy awards? and the stup

with cleto and the cletones. now, jimmy kimmel. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there, everybody. welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on one of the most hungover days of the year in hollywood. the emmys were last night. the old tinsel town reacharound. it was not a good night for us. it was a bad night for us. as i posted this morning, the results of last night's emmys were totally unfair in the category of late night show. sad. rigged. polls say i won. by a lot. so true. we did win. [ cheering ] thank you. we won, but they gave the emmy to the daily show hosted by jon stewart. a few months ago, jon stewart wasn't even the host of the daily show. they swapped him in illegally. my own network, abc, rigged it against me. they're attacking me from the inside. i was up against three other shows, it was three on one. we won it by a landslide. we have the biggest crowds. there are 10,000 people in this studio. [ cheering ] another 20,000 outside who co

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thank you for coming. oh man, oh man, you picked a very good night to be here. this show tonight, by the end of the hour, i think you will agree, is the supermoon of television shows. george clooney, we already saw brad pitt, kaitlin olson, music from the smashing pumpkins, and we have one more tremendous surprise for you too. [ cheers and applause ] you won't be disappointed. speaking of smashed pumpkins -- you know, i'll get to trump later. [ laughter ] the big news last night was diddy got arrested. did you see this? this is definitely not a morning you want to wake up "feeling like p diddy." sean combs is in custody in new york where he was indicted on charges of sex trafficking and racketeering. according to prosecutors, p. was head of "a criminal super prize" that included, among other things, forced labor, kidnapping, bribery, and arson. he plead the not guilty today. his lawyer said "he's going to clear his name" and you know he ha

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel. ♪ [ cheering ] >> jimmy: hello. hi, everybody.immy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. it sure is hot out. i appreciate you braving the intense l.a. heat to join us here in hollywood. and while i have your attention, let's just take a minute to give thanks to whoever it was who invented air conditioning. i mean, man, oh, man, we should be thanking god for that person every day. the light bulb we can live without. we all know thomas edison. we don't know who did this. it was 119 degrees in the valley over the weekend. it's september. it is so hot. when i went outside to pee on matt damon's star this morning, it turned to steam. it evaporated. there have been power outages. you know, madame tussaud's wax museum is right across the street from us. and i am a little worried about my wax figure. they have a wax figure of me over there. you know, these wax figures are made of wax. to i sent guillermo to run across the street to check it out. is he there yet? hey, guillermo. how is it? is my figure ok? >> guillermo: yeah.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel. ♪ [ cheering and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, welcome, welcome. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us after a rare and magical monday night of football here on our network, abc. where the lord god intended it to be on monday nights. remember when monday night football was only on abc? now it's everywhere. like chick-fil-a. you can get it anywhere you want. welcome to those who were too lazy to turn off the tv after tonight's 1-1 washington commanders took on the 0 and 2 cincinnati bengals. we get the best matchups! while most of america was going church and watching football over the weekend, donald trump was very busy truthing. here's a sampling of the subjects he covered -- oprah, who he's mad at because she hosted an event for kamala harris. "a long time ago, oprah winfrey asked me to do her last network television show. the final week of her show was a big deal, and it was my honor, with my family, to do

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome.ermo. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i thank you for watching. i thank you for joining us here -- [ cheers and applause ] -- in hollywood. it's very nice. i have to say, especially for those of you who are visiting us. they say hollywood is the entertainment capital of the world, but entertainment can come from any place. tonight's most entertaining story comes all the way from crockett county, tennessee, where one of the thousand-town sister from tlc was arrested after she said she was bitten by a camel. [ laughter ] that's right. 500 of the 1,000-pound sisters, amy, is facing child endangerment and drug possession charges after she was arrested at the tennessee safari park in alamo. it's a drive-thru zoo, which are the best ones, by the way. [ laughter ] story says amy was bitten on the arm by a camel, though the ca camel's attorney disputes that. [ laughter ] either way, the cops came. when they got to amy's car, deputies were immed

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.hank you, guys. hey, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for joining us here at our home in hollywood, california. [ cheers and applause ] liberal hollywood, california. liberal. i had a liberal elite day today. i woke up. i ate a big cat for breakfast. [ laughter and cheers ] then i had an a bone, then i had an abortion right after that. [ laughter ] and then i went to pick up my kids from their mandatory transgender surgery operations after school. and now, i'm back here spreading marxist propaganda on tv. that's how we do it! [ cheers and applause ] i've got to say, i can feel we are still buzzing after the lincoln-dumbass debate last night. [ laughter ] it couldn't have gone much better than it did for kamala harris. she baited him masterfully. i don't think i've ever seen master baiting like that on television. [ laughter ] trump was either blowing his stack, or staring straight ahead. squinting, with a sad, madfac

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!heers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. please, relax. here at the american broadcasting company after another prostate-busting night of "the golden bachelorette" tonight. wow, what a show. we started with 24 men vying for joan's tv love, and we're down to 14. six were eliminated, four died of natural causes. [ laughter ] tonight, the golden guys had to decide who would sleep on the top bunk, which was not as easy as it sounds. some of them snore, some of them have bad knees, one of them sleeps naked. [ laughter ] and they all wake up a lot to go pee. [ laughter ] a lot of logistics going into putting five guys in one room. they're lined up outside the men's room like it's a lakers game at 4:00 a.m. [ laughter ] instead of a cocktail party, this week, they had a barbecue. i'll tell you something. you ladies know. there's nothing sexier than a bunch of men in their 60s arguing over how t

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. thank you, thank you. welcome, welcome. very nice. welcome. i am jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for spending your friday night with us. [ cheers and applause ] we are coming to you -- we are coming to you live-ish from our studio in hellishly hot hollywood, california. it was 105 degrees today. we are sweating our yoga balls off right now. [ laughter ] i don't even want to go out. i don't want to leave this building afterwards. and we have it easy compared to arizona. it has been over 100 degrees in phoenix for more than 100 days in a row. 103 days in a row. how many days over a hundred before you move out of the place? [ laughter ] how many for you, guillermo? >> guillermo: three. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: three days? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: donald trump is back in the hot seat. although he got a break today. the judge in the stormy daniels case in new york -- the one where he was found guilty on 34 felony counts -- has decided to

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice.ciate that. hello, hello, i'm jimmy. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on a big night in the country. we ring in a new season of nfl football. are you excited? are you ready for some football? [ cheers and applause ] well, you won't get any here, i'm sorry. [ laughter ] tonight in kansas city, taylor swift took on the baltimore ravens. [ laughter ] there was a lot of speculation about whether she would be at the game. not only was there speculation, her fans have already done the math based on her tour dates. the swifties believe taylor will be able to make 14 regular season games this year. that's when you know you're really famous, when your fans start working out your schedule for you. [ laughter ] a lot of football. we had the thursday game tonight, we have a friday game tomorrow, then of course, multiple games on sunday, the game on monday, monday night football. and later in the season, we have saturday games. i guess i should just say good-bye

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!heers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us here in our studio in hollywood. how many of you -- thank you. how many of you in our studio audience are visiting from other places tonight? [ cheers ] another question. how many of you got to experience your first earthquake this morning? [ cheers and applause ] congratulations, we had an earthquake. a 4.7, near malibu. guillermo, you were shaken up. >> guillermo: yeah, yes, jimmy, a lot, yes. >> jimmy: it was -- yeah you texted me right away. >> guillermo: yes, yes. >> jimmy: was i the first person you texted? >> guillermo: uh -- no. [ laughter ] it was aaron. >> jimmy: why did you text aaron before me? >> oh, because she lives closer where that happened, the earthquake. >> jimmy: okay. what was it like at your house? >> guillermo: it was shaking, at what it was scary, the dog started barking, my son got scared. >> jimmy: was the water in the pool going cra

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. you. welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. i've returned from the woods. relax, please. i'm frightened. i am. well, that's very nice. i was on summer vacation. the summer i turned pretty. i am back. [ laughter ] i had a great summer. before we get into the show, i'd like to take a minute to thank the team at the beverly hills plastic surgery group for this. [ laughter ] the eyelids, the fillers, you nailed it again. the implants. [ laughter ] did you miss me guillermo? >> guillermo: of course, i love you, i missed you a lot. >> jimmy: you texted me one time during the summer. i missed you, too. i missed a lot this summer. joe biden dropped out. someone tried to shoot donald trump. gwyneth paltrow's friend diarrhea-d all over her guest room. it was nuts. we put together a quiz for those of you who weren't paying attention, like i wasn't this summer. which of the following things did donald trump do over the summer, and which did i make up? i want you to guess. you ready? okay. after the at

>> so you can go to the good time to go website botanical gardens, cleto btu and that's all sorts oformation including. >> whole page devoted to the tropical fantastic and your door and director of collections with uc botanical garden. thank you so much for spending some time with us this afternoon. >> all right. coming up next at noon, meet the rhino calf with the case of the zoomies. >> happening tomorrow, the city of hayward kicks off hispanic heritage month celebrations with an independence day festival in car shows the festivities start tomorrow at 10 in the morning on be and main streets. you can expect live mariachi performances, indigenous dances and lots of low riders. look at this. a rhino calf born recently at an australian zoo was captured on camera with an adorable case of the zoomies. let's see if he'll go. cow was bored in august at know mayor melbourne. okay. i think he's getting ready, guys. he was named jebel zulu word, meaning rejoice. he's got to pick it up, though. come let's go. the zoo says reflects the immense and that of joy. he has brought to his mother step

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!heers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. welcome. that's very nice. hi, there. thank you. my fellow americans, i'm jimmy kimmel, i'm the host short. thank you for joining us after the debate. all eyes from sea to shining sea were on the city of brotherly love tonight for the debate of the decade. vice president kamala harris versus former president donald trump. it was like watching the lorax debate the grinch tonight. [ laughter ] usually when donald trump gets a spanking like this from a woman, it's with a "forbes" magazine. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] kamala was pushing his buttons like a 12-year-old playing "fortnite." [ laughter ] it was -- oh, this was a much better debate than the last debate. this is like "the lion king" when simba came back to avenge mufasa. think urged him to be happy trump instead of mean, bully trump, and please focus on the issues. of course, he didn't listen to 8 of that at all. who are we kidding? this election isn't about the issu