i took colbert pac and i made it colbert superpac. pac, superpac. clark kent, superman.uce wayne, batman, gordita, gordita supreme. even this was not good enough for the idiots at viacom who employ me and made me a star. i just got this letter from viacom's lawyers. i'll read it on the air. they say, please do not read this on the air. i cannot see this coming. jimmy, let's remember to edit that out. i'll give it a skim here. do not, do not, do not, mee meow , i'll paraphrase. we are stupid lawyers who hate funds. if do you this we're scared that people might get mad at us. we paoed a little. even though we it's totally legal we're not going to let do you it sincerely john c -- i hate my parent company! they never let me do anything. [laughter] everyone else ea parent company let them do it. karl rove is a paid myee of fox news and he gets to talk about his superpac american crossroads all the time. >> american crossroads and other groups have announced a $50 million house surge strategy. >> there's a new poll out from american crossroads. >> full disclosure i'm involved

now those of you who are long time supporters of colbert pac or colbert superpac, know our motto, sayt with me. making a better tomorrow tomorrow. so ladies and gentlemen-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the cynics out there are going to say tomorrow never comes. well, thanks to my lawyer trevor potter, today, tomorrow just got one day closer. of course there are some who don't want to you have a voice. there are some who don't want you to have colbert superpac but you know what? i don't know about you but i'm not willing to ride in the back of the bus. with all this superpac money i will be riding in a private jet. who wants to ride in that jet with me? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yeah! obvious-- obviously i mean metaphorically because even a g-5 only holds like five people so what can you do? let me tell you a story. about a young man named ben donaldsonton that i met in iowa in a diner. ben's unemployed. and he came to me with a list of concerns. handwritten. on the back of a grease stained paper bag. these were the issues that matter to him and his family and he gave me t

this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] that was fascinating. i never actually heard a fight over the time signatures. [laughter] people going five, four, some two, three, some four, four. welcome to the report. [laughter] good to have you with us. nation ever since we took out osama bin laden americans have been wondering who was going to fill his shoes. all we knew for sure was that after discovering his pornstache, no one was going to touch his socks. la of laugh numerous people -- [laughter] numerous people have been mentioned as potential replacemn starting with ashton ciewch kutcher. he's the choice for reimmediate consideration mad men. la of laugh looks like they may have found their man. >> want to bring you the latest on perhaps a replacement for osama bin laden. a source has said that they've picked bin laden's temporary replacement, an egyptian and former special

colbert is a graduate of uva. they can receive a colbert art scholar's award between the third and fourth years up to $3,000 to spend on an arts-related project. >>> the justice department is asking the ncaa about the bowl championship series. they sent a letter to the office asking why there is no college football playoff system. there are serious questions as to whether the bcs violates antitrust laws. 21 college professors have asked the department to conduct an investigation. but the director of the bcs slammed the letter saying, quote, it seems like a waste of taxpayer money to have the federal government looking into how college football games are played. >>> a former redskin is speaking out against the team saying it did not put 100% in to winning football games. the 38-year-old signed with tin asks but never played a regular season game. if he had a choice, he would go back to is it steelers, a team he played for six seasons before signing with washington. >> just like that, the dream is over. stanley cup

>> hi, stephen colbert. nice to meet you. >> hi, mr. colbert, welcome. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting 18th. >> tell you about what? >> stephen: the fighting 18th. >> the fighting 18th1234 what's the fighting 18th. >> stephen: do you not represent the 18th district of illinois. >> yes. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting 18th. >> you mean like tell you about my district. >> stephen: sounds better to say fighting 18th. >> it's a 20 county district, home to 161 towns. >> stephen: fair warning, i'm already bored. >> well, i think a lot of remarkable things happen in per oria just as a lot of remarkable things happen around the country. >> stephen: you're the youngest member of congress. >> yes. >> stephen: is there a hazing process? >> no, not really, you know, there's no spanking machine,. >> no spanking machine in congress. >> stephen: no nick names. >> no nick names. >> stephen: schochman, schoch meister, anything like that. >> no. >> stephen: schoch jock, the schocher! you should get one, stand out from the crowd. >> i'll tak

[laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheers and applause] [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the report." thank you. please. welcome to "the report." thank you for joining us. nation, right off the bean i have to address the breaking news out of china. ming ming, the world's oldest panda, is dead at the age of 34. this comes as a real surprise. and i just want to say, well done, seal team six, another righteous kill. for too long our mortal enemies, the chinese, have been using pandas' cuteness to infiltrate our hearts. never forget that they are panda bears, godless, killing machines. i mean we've all seen the footage of their compound where they are literally breeding more of these cuddly commies. i can hear it now, stephen, how can you say that about pandas. they wouldn't hurt a fly? oh, really, then why are they learning kung fu? ""kung fu panda" in theaters may 26th. we've been warned. this pandacide part

this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. for a second there i wasn't sure if that was going to coalesce into a snowball. good to have you with us. i hope everybody had a good mother's day. i celebrated as i cause do in the fetal position. but folks there is no time to waste. let's go to tonight's breaking news about what happened eight days ago. osama bin laden continues his crowd-pleasing death. all the newspapers are covering it from "the new york times" to the daily news to the "new york post". but folks, that's just new york. they are also covering it in other parts of the country like brooklyn. (laughter) i was particularly impressed by the coverage in der tzitung, brooklyn's hasidic newspaper of record, jim? >> now you see her, now you don't. in a

this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo! whooo! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, barack obama is the worst type of democratic politician. an effective one. (laughter) on tuesday he was down in el paso, texas, laying out his plan for immigration reform. what does barack obama know about immigration? everybody knows he was born in america. i have proof. (laughter) besides, this speech was about one thing only -- >> is the president pushing real reform or is he pandering from latino votes. >> he's pandzering for votes down there. >> it's pandering. >> stephen: a total latino panderfest. excuse me, pander fiesta. (laughter) >> stephen: show them, jim. >> when i think about immigration, i think about opportunity. inalien kbl rights, the american flag, statue of liberty, nation of immigrants, guat