this is: ♪ stephen colbert presents 2001 and one a rock odyssey. featuring jack white.eers and applause] let me cut to the chase. okay. can we talk show business for a second? >> yes. >> stephen: last year on won a grammy. >> congratulations. >> stephen: thank you very much. this year i did not win a grammy. i want to tell you it wasn't as. good can you guarantee me the song we cut is going to win a grammy? >> it's hard to do f. could you do that -- >> stephen: you are jack white. how many grammys have you got? >> a couple stpaoefrpblgts nine. grammy factory that's when they say about jack white. grammy factory. >> really? >> stephen: don't me modest. not going to help me. >> if you could plan to win a grammy, not everybody would do that. >> stephen: not everybody is jack white. not everybody is me. i say it's time you put them on the belt. all in. take your balls put them right on the belt and say jack white is all in. i stake my reputation on stephen colbert winning a grammy. >> if i do that and it doesn't work out, it's a big risk for me staoefrpblgt it's a bigger ri

comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> dr. er presents steve fest colbechella 011. ♪ rock you like a sugar cane [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to the report. good to have you with us, everybody. [cheers and applause] i would call you nation but based on that clapping -- rhythm nation, it's the third night of my summer concert series and i am ready to rock out with my sock out-- and you know what's in my sock. [laughter] but before we get to tonight's jam-splosion, regular viewers know i've never been a fan of george w. bush. [laughter] you can check the tape. jimmy, we've destroyed the tape, right? >> yep! >> stephen: good. but i have to admit, he has made the most of his post-presidency. last night at a texas rangers game, president bush made his greatest contribution yet. he helped break the guinness world record for most people wearing sunglasses in the dark! he did it! america's back! if you're keeping track, the

that's good. >> stephen: you think the black belles are ready for colbert bump. >> what is the colberten: you are about to [bleep] find out. we'll be right back with the world premier of my new song with the black belles. we'll be rightck : could switching to geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? host: do dogs chase cats? ♪ 70's era music sfx: tires squealing ♪ 70's era music sfx: tires squealing vo: geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. >> dr pepper presents coachella-0-leven. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, now with the world premier of charlene two i'm over you please welcome the black belles. >> stephen: and stephen colbert. ♪ ♪ ♪ i used to be right behind you ♪ ♪ -- hoping to catch your eye ♪ ♪ but now i'm half finally say good-bye ♪ ♪ i cannot slip through your door ♪ ♪ won't check your mailbox any more ♪ ♪ i bet you're wonding why ♪ ♪ i'm over you charlene ♪ it's all over now ♪ wave good-bye, charlene ♪ it's all over now ♪ we'll have to be just friends ♪ ♪ got my telephoto lens ♪ i'm over you charlene ♪ i'm just

that's good. >> stephen: you think the black belles are ready for colbert bump. >> what is the colberten: you are about to [bleep] find out. we'll be right back with the world premier of my new song with the black belles. we'll be rht at do you think? we'd have to get all new appliances. we'll go to the warehouse stores and pick out everything you want. the sinks ringing. hello? you think those guys have "everything you want? " consider this your wake-up call! only sears has kenmore, and all ten of the top ten brands. the other guys don't even carry all top three. i hope you brought an umbrella 'cause it's raining cold hard facts up in here. thinking about buying appliances somewhere else? think again. sears. phone retract. >> dr pepper presents coachella-0-leven. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, now with the world premier of charlene two i'm over you please welcome the black belles. >> stephen: and stephen colbert. ♪ ♪ ♪ i used to be right behind you ♪ ♪ -- hoping to catch your eye ♪ ♪ but now i'm half finally say good-bye ♪ ♪ i cannot slip through your door

[laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colb captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] ahoy, land lubbers. welcome to the reporrrrrrt! [laughter] thank ye fer joining us. forgive my grizzled visage and hollow, haunted eyes, for i have just sailed seven days on the heaving breast of cruel poisedon in the 2011 charrrrleston-to-bermuda yacht race! there i be at the helm. [laughter] now i know what lies beyond the horizon's salty veil. the buffeting winds, ravenous whales as long as twelve stout men laid head to heel. don't ask me how i know. [laughter] luckily, before i set sail, i steeled myself against the ocean's horrid maw by watching almost all of "boat trip." [laughter] few have survived its outlandish premise. how can they not know they're on a gay cruise? [laughter] but the filth, the exhaustion, and filth was all worth it, because. we won the race! the race to compsecond place. here's the traditional second place clock. if you listen closely yo

colbert." >> how are you doing, mrs. colbert? >> what did she say. >> she says her ankles are sworning. >> her bank et is stolen? >> somebody stole her blanket? >> stephen: hang on, this is still cold. [applause] now, what is she saying, jay? >> i can't hear her through the burrito. >> stephen: you're going to have to talk louder, unanimousback it's beef and beans. i tell you what, jay, stay on the phone as long as my nana wants or until the burrito is ready, whichever comes first. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]tststststst welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. nation, i'm sure i don't have to tell you the emmy awards are a scant 109 days away. which reminds me, i almost forgot, it's time to pull out my emmy advent calendar. here we go. [scatting] what's i going to be? oh, it's a chocolate emmy. oh, a beautiful... oh, oh, and a little envelope. and the winner is... okay. uh-huh. okay. and the winner is... "the daily show with jon stewart." [audience reacts] bull [bleeped] all right. jon's mou

. >>> plus, stephen colbert in a vivid display shows why palin was correct in her telling of the storyf paul revere's ride. you don't want to miss this one. let's get to the news at 5:30 here at 30 rock in new york city. president obama says he will soon make an announcement about the number of troops he plans to withdraw from afghanistan. after meeting with his national security team yesterday, the president said the u.s. has already accomplished large parts of its mission in afghanistan. >> by us killing osama bin laden, getting al qaeda back on its heels, stabilizing much of the country in afghanistan so the taliban can't take it over, it's now time for us to recognize that we've accomplished a big chunk of our mission. and that it's time for the afghans to take more responsibility. >> a lot of people reading into that statement. and about whether or not the u.s. is, quote, winning this war. >> we're making progress. they'll try to come back, though. that's why they say the gains while significant are fragile. >> and we have have not had a declared victory in a war with the possible

[laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. [cheers and applause] [crowd channeling stephen] --] crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please sit down. [cheers and applause] i know you are excited. the holidays are coming up. folks, monday is july fourth, named for our four fathers: george. benjamin, thomas, and ringo. [laughter] i always check my calendar to find out what day it falls on, and this year, it's on july 4th. wow, feels like it's getting earlier and earlier every year. there are so many great traditions. of course, every year, i take the kids out and we cut down an american flagpole. take it home, put it up, and decorate it with flags. [laughter] not everyone loves america like i do. i'm sad to say. so unfortunately it's time once again for 4th of july under attack! [cheers and applause] little known factoid: they're called roman candles because jesus stole

colbert." >> how are you doing, mrs. colbert? >> what did she say. >> she says her ankles are sworning. >> her bank et is stolen? >> somebody stole her blanket? >> stephen: hang on, this is still cold. [applause] now, what is she saying, jay? >> i can't hear her through the burrito. >> stephen: you're going to have to talk louder, unanimousback it's beef and beans. i tell you what, jay, stay on the phone as long as my nana wants or until the burrito is ready, whichever comes first. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ [ male announcer ] when you're looking for a twist, crack open a bud light lime. ♪ it's a fraction of the hope but it's hard to control ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] the great taste of bud light, with a twist. bud light lime. all the refreshment of bud light, with a splash of 100% natural lime flavor. bud light lime. it's bud light. with a twist. welcome back, everybody. thanks very much. nation, i'm sure i don't have to tell you the emmy awards are a scant 109 days away. which reminds me, i almost forgot, it's tim

luckily very little of what they eat is technically food. >> this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) wow, thank you. you know, it's hard to tell you about it almost sounds like you folks want me to do an encore and i haven't even played yet. folks, what a gorgeous day in manhattan. sunshine, warm breezes it just reminded me how much i don't trust summer. (laughter) why is it being so nice. what's it up to. besides, summer has a well-known liberal bias. it gets hot out so everybody starts believing in global warming. and our moles go to hell. the young people use the heat to strut around in revealing summer clothes. i mean sear sucker, leave something to the imagination. worst of all, folksing summer means half naked patchouli soaked quite guy dread lock festivals like lal palooza, bonnaroo, coachella, salmonella. there are n

what made you want to work with stephen colbert recording artist?e, malleable. >> stephen: i want you to make me the next bob seeger. >> all right staoerpblgts on three, name your favorite bob seeger song. ready? >> okay one, two, three. >> two is on my mind. >> stephen: all of them. which what is not to love? >> i like them. >> stephen: born in kathmandu, a little too tall, could have used a few pounds. any time you want to jump in. night moves. ♪ night moves, he got the fire down below ♪ ♪ rock 'n' roll never forgets. ♪ ♪ down on main street. ♪ hollywood nights those hollywood hills. ♪ we've got tonight who needs tomorrow. >> you are familiar with his catalog. >> stephen:. ♪ i got that old time rock 'n' roll that kind of music just soojs the soul ♪ ♪ who wants to go to fire lake. >> i haven't heard fire lake in a while ♪ like a rock. clearly jack liked what he heard. tune in tomorrow as i close the deal and land my big record contract. i love to watch her strut. in the dramatic another part of stephen colbert presents 2001 and wun a rock odyssey.

this is "the colbert report" captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] that's nice. thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the report. please -- [cheers and applause] , please, folks, nation, with us to have you good. i'm so outraged i can't keep my sentences straights but our enemies in iran led by their if a nautical ayatollah khomeini have perpetrated another attack on the people. when are you going to intervene president obama. iran supports hezbollah and they refuse to wear ties even when formal ties are called for. this is garden elegance at best and bordering on casual friday. you monster! i'm sorry i'm so worked up with fashion, folks, it's just that iran has imposed a necklace ban for men. this is an outrage. people of iran rise up, throw off your chains and then throw on your chains. [laughter] without a necklace how is a man supposed to communicate hisser have rility? a chain is the universal language that says to women,ly not cal

. [ laughter ] host of comedy central's "the colbert report." networks send out dvds and photos to promote their shows for their emmy consideration. so nbc sent this one out here, right and i guess stephen took issue with one of the -- we sent out, just look, watch. >> just take a look at nbc universal's screening package. "late night with jimmy fallon," my best friend for six months. [ laughter ] and who did he feature? a picture of me. [ laughter ] from the night i sang "friday" on his show. we're competing in the same category, jimmy. you're trying to beat me with me. [ laughter ] i give away $26,000 of your money without asking and this is the thanks i get? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, look, i've always said that if you want to see the best of stephen colbert, all you have to do is watch "late night with jimmy fallon." [ laughter ] i've always said that. [ cheers and applause ] our show is the one stop shop for all your colbert needs, and i know stephen is a big fan of our show. in fact, here he is, actually doing one of our bits. he's writin

this is colbert. now this thing, what is this thing? >> that's the material going in there. so this is the plastic. it goes in here, gets heated up, moves around and builds it up later. >> stephen: it's like a hot glue gun eventually. >> it's like what a calculator is to a computer what a hot glue gun is to a maker bot. >> stephen: the hot glue gun stays in its own spot and the bottom moves around so it builds it up layer by layer. how accurate can you be with this? >> it's down to just microns, but you have layer height of about one-third of a millimeter. so it's on your nose. >> stephen: it's larger than one-third of a millimeter, i'll have you know. where do people get designs to make it with? >> we have a site where people make awesome designs and share them and you can download them and print them out. >> stephen: how do you plug it in here? >> an sd card, like the way you plug enter a camera. you plug it in. >> stephen: then it makes the thing on that card. >> that's right. >> stephen: so if i have something broken at my home and someone else has what i need 10,000 mil