this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. thank you, please, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i've got to tell you, on nights like this when i hear that applause, it's like i've snorted a line of you. (laughter) and folks, i-- i don't know about you but i need the pick me up because we all know the sad news. sarah palin is not running for president. (laughter) feels like my heart quit halfway through its first term. (laughter) and palin, ever the rogue, did not hold a self-serving press conference like chris christie, no, she bowed out of the race the way our founding fathers intended, by having talk show host mark levin read a press release on his show. >> i've just received a statement from gov

report on attempts to influence the election by a shadowy organization armed with unlimited money, colbert superpac. now folks, i don't want to brag but we have raised enough cash for me to hire a team of professional braggers. and one of those donations came from two little kids, charlie and grace, 8 and 10, who sent me $13, and a note that meant almost as much as their money. (laughter) >> jim. >> they want to do a lemonade stand for the superpac. they wrote mom says we can't do a lemon said stand for it until you decide what the superpac stands for so let us know. (laughter) kids ask the darnedest questions that the press generally doesn't. so what do we stand for? i asked you to tell me at colbert superpac.com, 53,000 of you responded and i used your answers to create a word cloud. it turns out the things people care about most, people. kind of self-involved. but i dug deeper and i created another word cloud of the words you used with people. and the next most commonly used word, corporations, right there. that can mean only one of two things. and i choose to ignore one of them. leavin

i'm offering you the colbert bump, but you're gonna get the colbert dump, unless you come on my show,ccept my challenge of a slow smile contest. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]xgj here's a little taste. [ laughter ] go. ♪ i am america ♪ one voice united we stand ♪ i am america ♪ one voice -- [cheers and applause] ♪ we'll be right back. ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, it's no secret that i furiously oppose occupy wall street. if you really want to affect economic change, kids, do it the old-fashioned way-- get off your ass and get a job at goldman sachs and then get hired by the u.s. treasury. it's that sim. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] yeah! give it up for goldman sachs. lloyd is a friend. but what really bundles my anger and short-sells my rage is the latest supporters of these bottom 99-percenters. jim? >> the group has its first show of corporate support. ben and jerry's is backing the protests. >> ben and jerry's is posting a message to protesters on their website saying, we stand

this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, thank you so much. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steveen, stephen! >> stephen: that came out very nicely. thank you so much. folks, you know, by the way you are chanting you would think i was famous. (laughter) folks, it is a dark day in america. our way of life is under attack from the youth-stapo over at shock-upy wall street, trademarked. we knew they were completely aimless and unto kutsd. now we know they are violent. on tuesday in oakland, california, protestors threw rocks and bottles at police forcing the cops to respond with their own improvised weapons. tear gas canisters, flash grenades and bean bag guns. bean bag guns? really, bean bags? that's nothing more than a high velocity mackey sack you are playing right not protestors' hands. and feet. now tragically, folks, one of the prote

i'm offering you the colbert bump, but you're gonna get the colbert dump, unless you come on my show,ccept my challenge of a slow smile contest. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]xgj here's a little taste. [ laughter ] go. ♪ i am america ♪ one voice united we stand ♪ i am america ♪ one voice -- [cheers and applause] ♪ ohhhhh, yeah... we'll be right back. ♪ [ laughter ] [ laughter ] ♪ dad, a big giant bee! get it! hang on, pumpkin. aw! bad call, dad! hey, sweetie. guess what, the bees came back and i broke the phone... no, no that was unrelated. you know what, why don't you call it to see if it works? pretty sure it's broken. probably right. looks like we're in new phone territory. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, it's no secret that i furiously oppose occupy wall street. if you really want to affect economic change, kids, do it the old-fashioned way-- get off your ass and get a job at goldman sachs and then get hired by the u.s. treasury. it's that sim. [ laughter ] [cheers

hasmentary aboute par-boiled my nut-sac can find.hat's where he should [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report."tral plause ) [chee much welcome to the report, thank you for joining us.lause]if there are audience i'd like to say a big [speaking russian] nati of apple. i'm ae first to have e it's cool. [ laughter ] so of course, line to buy the big new steve just yes but now that i have it, and isrespect to mr. jobs, it is a huge disappointment. [ nothing. nothing.own, it doesn't re-orient. it just stays -- find where i put my headphones in. tell me about steve jobs. where is thething! [ laughter ] version. folks like many americans i've been swept up by a category 5 [ laughter ] he's the washingtofraid to say the things the nation needs to hear and then can't believe it just heard. things like "let's electrocute mexicans" or "i'm leading in the polls." [ laughter ] and the latest cbs/new york times/taco bell poll has c 25% beating mitt romney at 21%. why?f theories out there. some say it's c experience, some sa it's just that he's not mitt [ laughter ] others point to the fact tmitt rom

rich colbert, folks, clearly i'm being hunted. they've heard about my anti-bear stance and this bear is going through all the colberts in the phone book looking for me. where-- (applause) >> stephen: where have i seen that before. (laughter) which brings me to threat number two. bear terminators. now folks-- (applause) i'm not saying that he's a cyborg bear, that would be insane. i'm just saying he's a bear sent from the future to kill me, mankind's only remaining hope in the inevitable bear war of 2025. and richard colbert, the bear's already up to the rs. next, next-- next comes-- next comes rodney, ronald, rupert, then sammy, sergio and simon. then me. (laughter) so if any bears ask you, this is stephen colbert. okay? (applause) >> stephen: oh, and bears, bears, he tastes like honey. don't ask me how i know. finally, folks, there's a new kind of burglar preying on california. >> a black bear takes a wild ride after stealing a car. take a look at the wreckage of this prius, a black bear climbed completely into it while the car w

colbert superpac can.t week-- last week we bought air time on dallas wfaa channel 8 news, to air our new pac ad. jimmy, make the dynamite go boom. >> it's another sad day in america as the nba lockout grinds on, depriving millions of their favorite sport. meanwhile, the nba players will stop at nothing to get all -- >> the unemployment at an all-time high, the players are demanding more millions. but the nba owners are on your side. they're working hard to save the season. so americans don't have to watch hockey. nba owners are job creators who send our economy soaring, like these things. and heroes like mark kindan are the number one employer of our nation's tiny blimp pilots. the players have missed their job. so dahl your-- call your local sports radio show and yell. we want our nba. >> americans-- responsible for the content of this advertising, made possible from a generous donation from colbert superpac. >> stephen: ha! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, stop. a powerful ad sure to bring this c

can this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheering and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. please. sit down, everybody. i want the thank you for that ovation. i mean this in the best possible way, i am a junkie and you are my pusher. welcome to "the report." nation, my guests tonight are black star, fronted by legendary hippity poppers, mos def, you lamo grandpas out there, and friend of the show talib kweli. there is an electric atmosphere in the house, dare i say in the hizzi. i'm sorry. what's that? i don't dare. okay. let's edit that out. my apologies to the entire hizzie. speaking of black star, herman cain. for weeks i've assumed the republican primary because two-horse race between mitt romney and rick perry. but they have been joined in the top tier by this dark-horse candidate, an expression i use only because he's an unexpected challenger, not because he's a horse. [laughter] now, in the latest cbs news poll, the former godfather of pizza, the hardest working man in the b

nation, tonight is the six-year anniversary of "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) i know it is hard to believe because it was actually last night. and as part of this year's anniversary celebration, the chelsea market at 9th avenue and 15th street here in new york is staging an art exhibition of behind-the-scenes photography from the first six years of "the colbert report." but don't worry, all the nudes are tasteful. (laughter) again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. all of these rare photographs are for sale with proceeds going to benefit donors choose which supports projects in public schools across america. of course there's only one gallery i attend because every year it's got my newport rate. and because it serves free wine. so... (applause) without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, my portrait for year seven. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, aren't i beautiful? this year i'm portrayed holding the s.e.c. ruling that allowed me to form colbert superpac and become a washington power player. how big a player? let's just say

milk. >> steven colbert.jon stewart has a treasure trove of impersonations up his sleeve. last night he took a shift at rick perry, lindsey graham and michele bachmann. >> on the cover of "parade" magazine, suggestively offering the nation his nipple -- hey, hey america -- hey america, you hungry? are you hungry? do you want to suckle? yeah. that's good teat right there. suck on it get barbecue cause in your mouth. eric canter was supposed to speak today but his office canceled the appearance after learning 300 seats would be open to the public. >> oh! the public! oh! heavens to betsy. oh! see, it was our job to start it badly. we did that. we were [ bleep ] idiots. i recent this president helping to depose gadhafi without the complications and cost of a never-ending occupation. it's frankly unamerican, i won't stand for it. >> stewart reaching deep into his bag of impersonations last night. >>> still ahead on "way too early," why you're awake. your tweets, texts and e-mails are next. "morning joe" moments aw

sign a sworn affidavit that he will not make that face ( laughter ) speaking of ( bleep ) grins, colbert'serpac, thanks to the supreme court's citizenses united ruling, superpacs can take unlimbed donations as long as hay don't coordinate with campaigns, and they reveal their donors, as i have with my crawl of heroes down here. ( laughter ) and i have been moved by the diversity of the donors, folks. scottish americans, like iron balls mcginty. indian americans like m'balz es hari. and greek members of the colber nation like loveporn cockonopolis. and of course, a hearty thank you to donor poop giggle, who clearly hails from the nation of kindergartenstan. so how much have you given? let's just say we're into numbers i wouldn't want to serve in a federal prison. so here is a heartfelt toast to being the king of pacs. i just feel bad for the previous king, translucent american, karl rove, whose pac american crossroads must look pretty pathetic right about now. jimmy, show me how karl is doin% while i unsuspectingly fill my foot and mouth with champagne. >> last year, american crossroads wa

nation, tonight is the sixth year anniversary of "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) i know it is hard to believe because it was actually last night. (laughter) and as part of this year's anniversary celebration, the chelsea market at ninth avenue on 15th street here in new york is staging an art exhibition of behind-the-scenes photography from the first six years of "the colbert report." but don't worry, all the nudes are tasteful. (laughter) again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. (laughter) all of these rare photographers are for sale with proceeds going to benefit donor's choose which supports projects in public schools across america. but, of course, there's only one gallery i attend because every year it's got my newport rate and because it serves free wine

this is "the colbert report". the (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. (crowd chanting "stephen") thank you very much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, that is music to my ear. nation, yoon about you, but i could not be more excited about all the options in the g.o.p. presidential field. (laughter) these candidates are like the perfect appetizer sampler platter. you've got pizza bites, crazy bread, boiled potato, texas toast, foie gras, imitation foie gras, uninspected squirrel jerky all with the santorum dipping sauce. (cheers and applause) speaking of being completely satisfied with the republican slate of candidates, chris christie 2012! (cheers and applause) folks, everybody's talking about this guy getting in the race! >> i'd love it. we'd all love it if chris christie got in the race. >> chris christie is exciting. >> he's exciting. >> republicans are looking for a dose of charisma, a jo