i recommend stephen colbert's americone dream. chawses of. [cheers and applause] mmmmm mmmmm now, folks, -- folks. [ laughter ] unfortunately, i've been shaken by some terrible news from jerry of ben and jerry's during his recent slumming on jimmy fallon: >> welcome you guys. thank you for our own flavor the big issue everyone is talking about -- is it outselling stephen colbert's ice cream? >> the flavor is doing really, really well-- but the short answer is yes, it's outselling stephen's ice cream. >> yeah, that's right. >> stephen: how is this possible?! my ice cream is delicious. and jimmy's is-- well, i don't want to crap on jimmy's ice cream because that would improve the flavor. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] these sales figures were hard enough to take. but then jimmy sank to a new low. >> i made another great stride in my ice cream flavor supremacy over my eternal enemy for six months, stephen colbert. we came up with a contest where you can send photos of all the disgusting things you can do with colbert's ice cream besides eat

report on attempts to influence the election by a shadowy organization armed with unlimited money, colbert superpac. now folks, i don't want to brag but we have raised enough cash for me to hire a team of professional braggers. and one of those donations came from two little kids, charlie and grace, 8 and 10, who sent me $13, and a note that meant almost as much as their money. (laughter) >> jim. >> they want to do a lemonade stand for the superpac. they wrote mom says we can't do a lemon said stand for it until you decide what the superpac stands for so let us know. (laughter) kids ask the darnedest questions that the press generally doesn't. so what do we stand for? i asked you to tell me at colbert superpac.com, 53,000 of you responded and i used your answers to create a word cloud. it turns out the things people care about most, people. kind of self-involved. but i dug deeper and i created another word cloud of the words you used with people. and the next most commonly used word, corporations, right there. that can mean only one of two things. and i choose to ignore one of them. leavin

(laughter) now folks, everybody knows i'm the head of colbert superpac. (cheers and applause) so to a vote the appearance of coordinating with republican presidential back runner buddy roemer, when he was on my show, i was forced to wear an isolation bucket on my head. now luckily one group out there found a way to work with a candidate without coordinating with them. then the nebraska democratic party. they've spent over $600,000 on an ad campaign starring senator ben nelson. i assume most of that paid for the trained marmot playing his hair. now normally, folks, to support a candidate state partiesd $240,000. well, it turns out, and i did not know this, $600,000 is more than $240,000. (laughter) so i may have overbid on that rare penny where lincoln's head was upside down. (laughter) but folks, turns out the limits don't apply here because the democrats were functioning as an independent organization engaged in issue advocacy. in this case, the democrats are not really a political party, something i think we all suspected. but remember, independent grou

>> stephen: this is stephen colbert's "bears and balls." (cheers and applause) first up on "bears and balls," a lot of investors are running scared but there's one investment guaranteed to retain its value,, bow la monkeys. no? magic beans. no? celebrity relics. yes. celebrity relics. everybody wants dorothy's ruby slippers, madonna's cone bra, or j. edgar hoovers ruby slippers and cone bra. (laughter) but if you really want to make a chunk of change on celebrities, you need a chunk of celebrity. case in point: john lennon's abscessed tooth recently fetched more than $31,000 at auction. (audience reacts) and i'm sure john lennon would approve of the buying and selling of body parts. when he sang "i want to hold your hand" he never said it had to be attached to his body. and, folks, there's never been a better time invest in things that fall off celebrities. for instance, i am proud to offer this baby food jar full of danny devito's doe nail clippings. (audience reacts) i got them with nothing more than a pain of clippers, a rag, and a jar o

this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please, enough. here organization heroes, all. nation, you know if you watch this show that i have always respected "people" magazine. ( laughter ) as a reliable news source. never forget-- they were the only ones to break the story of richard gere's sin mop-- cinnamon rolls. but now the old glossy, multicolored lady has done the unthinkable. in their annual sexiest man alive issue, they have bestowed the crown on bradley cooper. yeah, i know, i know. i'm angry, too. ( laughter ) sexy? please! is that a man a horse take a dump at a wig factory? ( applause ) i don't get it, people? why! why did you pick him? just because he can speak french? ( speaking french ) oh, big deal! anybody

(laughter) well that's it for colbert platinum. tune in next time for an answer to the age-old question "could god build a yacht so big even he could not fill it with bitches?" (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. merry christmas, everybody! plerry christmas. ohio ho! yes, folks, the big day is right around the corner. it's not enough to just celebrate the holiday. this is the blitzkrieg on grinchitude. (cheers and applause) ♪ hallelujah... folks, in this bleak economy christmas means more than ever our best hope to fix the deficit is for tim geithner to ask santa for $14 trillion worth of scarves with gift receipts. (laughter) but instead of helping santa, bureaucrats out there are sticking their budget-cutting fives into his bowlful of jelly. jim? >> faced with drastic budget shortfalls suffolk county new york has laid off santa. david mckel has been playing the part of santa at the st. james general store since 2001. the store's is partially funded by suffolk count

this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i know when news breaks your first reaction is how is stephen going to handle this one. (laughter) so let's get right to the story everyone's talking about. ghost sex. (laughter) a family in ohio claims that ghosts are having sex in their house. (laughter) and were captured on a cell phone camera. now i want to warn you, this photo is graphic. so if you have any ghost children in the room, please shield their eyes, jim. there it is. pretty sick stuff. that clearly looks like ghosts having sex. but when it comes to para normal activity i always maintain a healthy skepticism because i'm a taurus. and folks, i'm not the only o

>> wow, bootylicious belongs now to colbert.redible. >>> did you hear this, front page of the "new york post," the rich get richer. you love a big powerball jackpot payout, goes to a family who needs it, who deserves it maybe somebody out of work who could use the cash. not so this time around. guess who won $254.2 million in connecticut's largest ever state powerball? three asset management guys, wealth managers from greenwich, connecticut, perhaps the wealthiest town in the united states of america. timothy davidson, brandon laycoff and gregory skidmore took the lump sum of $104 million of cash after tax. they're doing the right thing, though, tip the cap. they say they'll give a hefty chunk of that away to charity. still, $250 million to the wealth management guys, who wants that? still ahead on "way too early," why are you awake? your tweets and texts are next and "morning joe" moments away. when you're a sports photographer, things can get out of control pretty quickly. so i like control in the rest of my life... especially

this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you very much. a very special welcome to the seventh level magic users out there. (laughter) nation, i will get right to the big news. herman cain is under attack. this is a dark, dark day for america. and i'm not just saying that because he's, you know... (laughter) american. (laughter) of course, when you're top in the polls, the media digs through your past. it's not fun but it beats being john huntsman. no one's even digging through his present. and now comes trumped-up charges that when cain was head of the national restaurant association he harassed female employees with gestures that were not overtly sexual but made the women uncomfortable. (laughter) all right. naturally i assume the gesture was something innocuous like... (laughter) it could be anything. incidentally, that's also a great way to get out of juror

(laughter) well that's it for colbert platinum. tune in next time for an answer to the age-old question "could god build a yacht so big even he could not fill it with bitches?" (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) man: my electric bill was breaking the bank. so to save some money, i trained this team of guinea pigs to row this tiny boat. guinea pig: row...row. they generate electricity, which lets me surf the web all day. guinea pig: row...row. took me 6 months to train each one, 8 months to get the guinea pig: row...row. little chubby one to yell row! guinea pig: row...row. that's kind of strange. guinea pig: row...row. such a simple word... row. anncr: there's an easier way to save. get online. go to geico.com. get a quote. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. merry christmas, everybody! plerry christmas. ohio ho! yes, folks, the big day is right around the corner. it's not enough to just celebrate the holiday. this is the blitzkrieg on grinchitud

(laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen. >> thank you, welcome to the report, great to you have with us, folks. i'll be with you in a moment. thank you so much. i'll be with you in just a minute. i'm just finishing some on-line holiday shopping, the nice deal on a kindl fire. that will make a great coaster for my ipad. there, and done. with christmas. okay. of course, folks, today is cybermonday, when everybody mobs the on-line stores for the big holiday sales. to beat the rush last night i camped out in front of my computer, waiting for the internet to open. cybermonday is a followup to black friday, the day after thanksgiving when americans awake from their tryptophan-induced coma to trade gluttony for greed. and folks, this weekend with a category five consumeicane with americans spending over $52 billion. nation, this originally of christmas shopping-- orgy of christmas shopping proves america is back. we are once again-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen:

this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, so much. report to the report. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, it's wednesday. and that means it's time for a new g.o.p. front-runner. ( laughter ) jim. >> once given up for political roadkill newt gingrich killing them all. in the latest polling he is the front-runner. >> there is a p.p.p. poll showing newt gingrich, 38, mitt romney 18. >> stephen: it makes sense gingrich is rising. he appears to be the only candidate who appears to be made of dough. newt's campaign got off to a bit of a rocky start. back in june, instead of campaigning in iowa, newt wont a two-week luxury cruise through the greek isle aborn the "seaborn odyssey." in response his staff quit and his donors abandoned him, but yesterday we learned that was no pleasure cruise. it was a ple

. >> plus steven colbert hangs with the occupy wall streeters, and brings them up to his penthouse to eat room service. that and more when "way too early" comes back. [ male announcer ] oh, yeah. yum. that's good. you've always loved the taste of classic campbell's soups. well, guess what? we're just getting warmed up. introducing campbell's slow kettle style soups. extraordinary taste sensations, crafted from delicious combinations of premium ingredients. you'll savor every last spoonful. even if you don't use a spoon. new slow kettle soups from campbell's it's amazing what soup can do. that's why i recommend crest pro-health clinical gum protection. it helps eliminate plaque at the gum line, helping prevent gingivitis. it's even clinically proven to help reverse it in just 4 weeks. crest pro-health clinical gum protection. confidence. available in color. depend for women is now peach. looks and fits like underwear. same great protection. depend. good morning. great day. look at a live picture of the empire state building, still lit up in orange for halloween for another hour or so.

imagine if you did that with colbert's ice cream.d be crying. [ laughter ] we'll be right back with "name that guy," you guys. come on. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ jennifer ] here... ♪ ...this is my world. ♪ this place inspires me... ♪ ...to be tougher... ♪ ...to stay sharper... ♪ ...to think faster. ♪ they may be just streets to you... ♪ whatever you want me to, i'm gonna see you through ♪ ...but to me... ♪ all i ever do ...they're a playground. ♪ never stop loving you ♪ 'cause i'm alive, i can breathe, i can feel ♪ ♪ i believe ♪ and there ain't no doubt about it ♪ ♪ there ain't no doubt about it ♪ ♪ i'm in love ♪ and it's all because of you ♪ i was fading, but you pulled me through ♪ it's 4g, so you can do more faster. so, kathryn, post more youtube videos of your baby acting adorable. baby. on it. matt, ignore me and keep updating your fantasy team. huh? jeff, play a game. turbo-boosting now, sir. dennis, check in everywhere you go on foursquare. that's mayor dennis... of the water cooler. you're the best. liz, rock out to pandora

and i know a lot of you out there are saying, "jimmy, i see stephen colbert's ice cream sold in stores they also sell food. [ laughter ] what do i do with this stuff?" the answer is, i don't know. but, maybe you guys can help. we came up with a contest where you can send in photos of all the things you can do with colbert's disgusting ice cream besides eat it. just go to latenightwithjimmyfallon.com and you can send us a picture of things you can do with "americone dream." maybe you can use it to caulk the inside of your aquarium. or use it to wax your car. i don't know, it might even take the paint off. don't take my advice on that. whatever -- i don't know what to do. just send them in, and we'll pick the best photo and send the winner a case of our ice cream. "late night snack," the ice cream of champions. [ cheers and applause ] we've got a great show tonight. this is a very cool guy. he voices a character in "puss and boots 3d." billy bob thornton is here. [ cheers and applause ] mm-hmm. that's right, billy bob thornton. there's many different voices for billy bob. [ southern acce