colbert sad. and colbert also want that twitter feed. and if i'm not granted control of@sweden by this time next week, i am never thought when i started this show seven years ago, that i would ever be saying these words, "the colbert nation will cut off all diplomat relations with sweden." i've got to. i'm sorry. ( cheers and applause ) i've got to. don't i have to? i have to do that. ( applause ) of course, first thing we'll do, of course, is expel your ambassador dolph00grin. of course, i am a man of peace. so before things get ugly, let me make a last appeal with the words of sweden's greatest living poets, benny and bjorn. ♪ if you change your mind i'm the first in line. ♪ i'm still free take a chance on me. ♪ if you need let me know gonna be around. ♪ if you got noplay to go if you're feeling down. ♪ if you're all alone when the gritty birds have flown. ♪ honey i'm still free, take a chance on me. ♪ gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie. ♪ if you put me to the test, if you let me try. come on, sweden! we'll be right back. ( chee

this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen. >> welcome to the report. please, please. ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us. or should i say buenos. because on friday el presidential barak obama announced in a rose garden ceremony that he will not be deporting illegal immigrants brought here as children who have the high school diploma and no criminal record. this of course replaces our long-standing policy of not deporting them if they were really good at baseball. this is shocking, shocking, obama has now thrown up merck's doors to people who are already here. now we can expect a steady stream of preexisting pouring into their present location and we all know why he is doing this. >> in the eve of the election it looks political. >> president obama's decision here is political. he's doing right before the election. and it very transparent political f

host of the "colbert report," our old friend, stephen colbert is in the house!brilliantly funny man. >> steve: god bless him. >> jimmy: one of the funniest people i've ever met in my life. >> steve: nicest too. >> jimmy: yeah, he is. from nbc's "america's got talent," nick cannon is dropping by! [ cheers and applause ] he's a funny dude, too. and we have big k.r.i.t. performing tonight! [ cheers and applause ] who don't love big k.r.i.t. @bigkrit. they love it. hey guys, today's friday. that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, i return some emails and, of course, i send out "thank you notes." [ cheers and applause ] i'm running a bit behind today, so i thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd like to write out my weekly "thank you notes" right now. is that cool? [ cheers and applause ] james, can i get some "thank you note" writing music, please. ♪ [ light laughter ] hey, i think you're milking it. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, cartoon drawings where the sun is wearing sunglasses. dude, you are the sun. lose the shades. [ light laugh

colbert will have to wait. i done know what that is in swed-- swedish. >> excuse me, sweden, i do not do patience. i've been thrown out of half a dozen performances of waiting for godot. just show up already so we can go home. and the people of sweden are clearly behind me. last week the hashtag artificial swedener and the name stephen colbert both trended in sweden. replacing the swedish trending topic of norwegians are a degenerate race of herring molesters. (applause) >> stephen: thank you folks i think we clearly rattled their cages because sonja abrahmson the swed who controlled as sweden last week tweeted, quote, i just watched the colbert thing that guy is crazy. he threw a telephone over his shoulder like it wasn't worth a-- to him. oh. oh dear sweet innocent sonja. you have so much to learn. this is america. our streets are paved with broken iphones. ours, ours is a land of plenty. we use our iphones for just about everything. for instance, here's how i stir my coffee. oh, you can really taste the void

father martin is also the official chaplain of "the colbert report."lein, a washington columnist and msnbc [ male announcer ] wouldn't it be cool if we took the nissan altima and reimagined nearly everything in it? gave it greater horsepower and best in class 38 mpg highway... ...advanced headlights... ...and zero gravity seats? yeah, that would be cool. ♪ introducing the completely reimagined nissan altima. it's our most innovative altima ever. nissan. innovation that excites. ♪ nissan. innovation that excites. you know how hard if yit can be to breathedo, and what that feels like. copd includes chronic bronchitis and emphysema. spiriva helps control my copd symptoms by keeping my airways open a full 24 hours. plus, it reduces copd flare-ups. spiriva is the only once-daily inhaled copd maintenance treatment that does both. and it's steroid-free. spiriva does not replace fast-acting inhalers for sudden symptoms. tell your doctor if you have kidney problems, glaucoma, trouble urinating, or an enlarged prostate. these may worsen with spiriva. discuss all

this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much! the (audience chanting "stephen") come on! come on! (cheers and applause) yeah! folks, i think... i think... (cheers and applause) i do not care, i do not care! (cheers and applause) listen, the doom crier cans say what they want, i think you people just proved that there is no energy crisis. (laughter) we ought to frack you. and i mean in the best possible way. (laughter) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. nation, we all see the news. last week's jobs report was miserable. the economy is not getting any better. our relationship with nuclear pakistan has never been more tense and europe is on the verge of collapse. and you know what that means in? things are looking up for mitt romney. (laughter) and, folks, the old romney luck continues! >> the romneys might be going to the olympics. a horse anne romney co-ow

and to help bring in a new crop, there's an exciting edition to colbert nation.com. the representomap 6,000 where you can go encourage your congressman to come on my show through the ground breaking technique of me telling you without your congressman is. you see, you just go to the map, use it to find your representative and urge them to come on the report by sending them a heartfelt personalized form letter. (laughter) now the representomap 6,000 was test launched earlier this spring without my knowledge, or me telling you about it. or me calling congress to tell them what was about to happen. >> people got a little up set. you see, thousands of you sent e-mails to your representatives or as the huffingpo reported it, stephen colbert spams congressional press secretary. and as en-- anyone who has received donation e-mails from a politician knows, you don't spam them, they spam you. (laughter) anyway-- (applause) anyway, good news is the site is back up. so i encourage all of to you go to colbert nation.com, urge your congressman to come on my show. but there's one

the colbert bump to push her over the top and on to the london games.our lippens, folks. the trials are over and rafalca has made the olympic team, yes! i did it! i horsed it! ♪ bermuda bahamas come on pretty mama ♪ ♪ take it slow ♪ that's where we want to go >> rafalca, is now america's sweetheart. we are all going to love her just as much as ann romney does. >> i joke that i'm going to have to send her to betty ford for addiction to horses. good one. i'm right there with you on the addiction thing. i wish there was some way to shoot horse right into my veins. >>> colbert bump still ahead on "way too early," why are you awake, your horsey texts, e-mails and tweets, "morning joe" live from washington, just moments away. so you brushed with colgate total and you didn't. let's compare. germ party! eww! now the colgate total mouth. nice! [ female announcer ] colgate total fights 90% more plaque germs. i'm in. [ female announcer ] colgate total. less germs. healthier mouth. [ female announcer ] colgate total. ♪ ♪ we all need it. to move. to keep warm. to ke

father martin is also the official chaplain of "the colbert report."lein, a washington columnist and msnbc contributor. father martin, just a little business -- ezra, excuse us for a moment. we've got a little business to conduct here. so how did you go -- in fact, i have a clip of you and your friend, stephen colbert, i just want to show quickly here. >> please welcome the official chaplain of the colbert nation, father jim martin. papa j., what's going on? >> now, how did you go from a mere friend of the show, which i am, having done the show exactly once, and never been invited back, stephen -- how did you go from friend of the show to official chaplain? >> he elevated me one night, you know, the way that a cardinal is elevated to the -- >> just right there, during the production, without checking with you or anything? >> right. >> so how much does he pay you for that? >> zero. >> we can do this in latin. people don't have to hear. >> feel free. >> okay. he pays you zero? >> he pays me zero, and i've taken a vow of poverty, so even if he gave me mon

plus, stephen colbert tries to celebrate scott walker's victory over organized labor in wisconsin. but runs into a little trouble with his crew. they are union guys, you see. that clip later in the show. first, let's get to the news live at 5:30 a.m. here at 30 rock in new york city. house minority leader nancy pelosi is asking speaker john boehner to call off next week's congressional recess so members can continue to work on everything from student loans to the highly charged debate over taxes. president obama says he has no intention of extending tax cuts for the highest earning americans first signed into law by president bush and renewed by president obama in 2010. on yesterday's "morning show," larry summers, complicated the president's message a bit when he warned against any sudden moves that could put the brakes on the economy. >> the real risk to this economy is on the side of slowdowns. certainly not on the side of overheating. and that means we've got to make sure that we don't take the gasoline out of the tank at the end of this year. that's got to be the top priority.

. >>> plus, stephen colbert shows his fake solidarity with the daily caller reporter who shouted his question at president obama. that when "way too early" comes right back. >>> just two days ago, the world champion celtics used their first round draft choice to pick bias. this morning, glen bias was dead. there are reports that traces of cocaine were found in his system. so anyway, i've been to a lot of places. you know, i've helped a lot of people save a lot of money. but today...( sfx: loud noise of large metal object hitting the ground) things have been a little strange. (sfx: sound of piano smashing) roadrunner: meep meep. meep meep? (sfx: loud thud sound) what a strange place. geico®. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. let's compare. germ party! eww! now the colgate total mouth. nice! [ female announcer ] colgate total fights 90% more plaque germs. i'm in. [ female announcer ] colgate total. less germs. healthier mouth. [ female announcer ] colgate total. with these new depend real fit briefs,untry and today we are surprising pro football a

steve colbert.ery pleased that you were able to give us a wonderful prep for our national championship. we have had a great response from the wonderful and understanding fans of dressage or dressage usa here in gladstone, new jersey. >> stephen: oh, that's embarrassing. i've been pronouncing it "dressage." evidently, it's "dress-age." thank you, brian, for that mess-age. [ laughter ] and, folks, to thank me for the bump, ann romney and the united states equestrian federation made me this video using my contribution to dressage -- budweiser and red foam fingers. ♪ that's it. i've created a new dressage tradition. i'm going to be as famous as viscount heinrich fusselbridge, inventor of the fancy trot! [ laughter ] rafalca is now america's sweetheart. we're all going to love her just as much as ann romney does. >> i joke that i'm going to have to send her to betty ford for addiction to horses. [ laughter ] >> stephen: ha, ha, ha ha. good one. i'm right there with ya on the addiction. i wish there was a

>> come on. >> i'm going for the colbert moment. you throw the dead fish at me. anyway. go ahead.ot a great staff. we can speak now. >> thank jennifer writes, what time do you have to get up to do the show? my dog wakes me up. who wakes you up? >> that's a good question. wake up, i don't want to even tell you when i wake up. but it's not even close to as early as this great staff wakes up. i'm awoken usually 3:15 in the morning with a throat punch from a 2-year-old. lying sideways, pow, just jacks you right in the throat. he's a good kid other thanthat. how about one more, tower? oh, we have to go. ok. "morning joe" starts right now. >>> he is a courageous leader. and he was rewarded for courage. and i think in a world of dysfunction, it's really good that a guy like that who had the courage of his convictions and acted on them is rewarded with a victory.

colbert and the answer surprised a lot of us. >> me? i'm mrs. colbert, too? i'm so happy! i'm so happy to be my wife! >> i now i'm a modern bride so i kept my last name. (laughter) and, hey, nobody loves me more than i do but self-marriage just didn't solve my problems because once you make it official all the passion goes out of it. i stopped dressing up for myself and let's just say i got super boring in the sack. so it's with a heavy heart that i announce that tonight i am entering a trial separation from myself. (audience reacts) no, no, no. the way i see it, folks, is that if i truly love myself i should let me go. but if i don't come back i was never mine to begin with. thank god i signed a prenup. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey, there! welcome back, folks. my guest tonight has a new patriotic children's book. finally we can stop teaching our kids about that socialist collective down in whoville. (laughter) please welcome dr. jill biden. (cheers and applause) dr. biden, thanks so much. i will not pass that up. thank you so much

(laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (crowd chanting "stephen) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for that ovation. just from the sound of that it sounds like you could do it over and over again. (laughter) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us in here; out there. nation, all eyes are on wisconsin tonight and the hotly contested recall election deciding the fate of republican governor and living fifth grade school photo scott walker. now, we taped this show earlier in the evening and the results aren't in yet. i'm tivoing it so no one tell me how unions end. we'll have more on that story tomorrow but, first, folks, you know that i do not flinch at unpleasantness. when the doctor tells me to turn my head and cough, i refuse. (laughter) instead, i gaze deeply into his cobalt blue eyes as he cups my scrotum. (laughter) but even i have been willfully ignoring a ter

colbert and the answer surprised a lot of us. >> me? i'm mrs. colbert, too? i'm so happy! i'm so happy to be my wife! >> i now i'm a modern bride so i kept my last name. (laughter) and, hey, nobody loves me more than i do but self-marriage just didn't solve my problems because once you make it official all the passion goes out of it. i stopped dressing up for myself and let's just say i got super boring in the sack. so it's with a heavy heart that i announce that tonight i am entering a trial separation from myself. (audience reacts) no, no, no. the way i see it, folks, is that if i truly love myself i should let me go. but if i don't come back i was never mine to begin with. thank god i signed a prenup. (laughter) we'll be right back. new taurus w people away... starting with the guys who built it. this taurus is pretty serious. i can't believe they're actually going to let me drive it. all right, it's got what? 360 horsepower. 365 horsepower. let's see what that feels like. so this is 365 horsepower. all while delivering really great fuel economy. so we're getting great

the horse of colbert. new phrase last week when a reporter asked if he'd celebrate a three-hit game and win over the toronto blue jays with a beer where the drinking age is lower than the u.s. harper is a mormon who sustains for alcohol and said this. >> that's a clown question, bro. >> that's a clown question, bro. well, that trending phrase made its way to capitol hill in a couple of days. take a look at fellow nevadan and mormon harry reid yesterday. >> i don't want to answer that question. that's a clown question, bro. >> unlike bryce harper senator reid went on to answer the question that he had been asked. >>> up next, the defense in the jerry sandusky trial rests without calling sandusky to th stand. is their last best hope a mistrial? that's ahead. you are watching "hardball." the place for politics. those surprising little things she does still make you take notice. there are a million reasons why. but your erectile dysfunction that could be a question of blood flow. cialis for daily use helps you

pull it together, colbert. it's just a pig eating at a little trov just like welfare queen sucking at the government teets. and notice he's being helped down the stairs am i'm surprise the government didn't mandate a pig wheelchair ramp. pick yourself up by your own hoove straps. i guess i was wrong, folks, what i thought was a cute little pig is just another symbol of the international socialist conspiracy just like that hang in there cat. we get t you want the rest of us to pay for your rescue with a taxpayer funded fireman. get a job, fluffy. we'll be right back. this is so great, date night. just the three of us. i'm just sayin'. and this is such a good movie too. i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... shhh! ...did it. are you... would you be quiet? would you be quiet and move your gigantic head? it's like hello? i can't see the screen. dude. ah! hey, was that jordon? whoa! that's cold. now all hanes underwear is tagless. go tagless. d

this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen stlam stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, mindless zombies! welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, you know, we have a complicated relationship with pakistan. it's sort of a love hate relationship. they love to hate us. wnd and we hate that we have to love them. (laughter) >> stephen: still they are a valuable ally in the global war on terror. that's why i'm so up set to hear about the end of a crucial national security operation in the heart of islamabad. jim? >> the u.s. embassy in pakistan ending funding for a local version of "sesame street". the move comes amid reports of corruption at the 20 million dollar project. >> stephen: $20 million of corruption on "sesame street". i believe congress needs to hold hearings and ask some tough questions. what elmo know and when elmo know it! (

you've gone from presumptive nominee to 'sumptive nominee. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i can't lie to you it's a keep this high. [ laughter ] thank you for joining us. nation, it was memorial day yesterday. i hope you had the traditional cookout with good friends, good laughs, cold beer and sober reflections on the grim tally of two centuries of war. and, of course, vodka watermelon. [ laughter ] i've been off for two weeks and tons of news has happened. so let's get right to the news that matters most to the average american. this is who's honoring me now. ♪ [cheers and applause] over the break, i accepted yet another peabody award for the broadcast excellence. jim? this is our second peabody . growing up, i always dreamed of winning three of these. [ laug