this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> colbert: welcome. that is incredible. ladies and gentlemen, thank you. good to have you with us. boy, i can feel the electricity. i can feel the electricity. ladies and gentlemen, in here, out there, across america, you know why people are excited because it is a huge night. the first presidential debate just happened in denver. now, i haven't seen it yet so don't tell me what happens. if anything happens. jim. >> the buying question is do these debates really matter? >> i actually think that is the american people see the first two candidates and really start to make their mind up. >> if the debates happen really late in the cycle and by this time most americans have made up their mind. >> i think the debates don't matter much. >> they matter and they have matter add great deal, some years a they have not mattered t all. >> colbert: so, we pundits don't know whether debate

>> colbert: yes. >> you lead. >> colbert: dear lord. >> dear lord, yes. >> colbert: please let this country. >> and our leader. >> colbert: and our leaders and let alex cross open huge in the box office. and please, lord, please, help me in thanking tyler perry for being here. thank you so much. thank you. tyler perry! alex cross! we will be right back.sh%mm >> colbert: good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central

>> colbert: yes. >> you lead. >> colbert: dear lord. >> dear lord, yes. >> colbert: please let this country> and our leader. >> colbert: and our leaders and let alex cross open huge in the box office. and please, lord, please, help me in thanking tyler perry for being here. thank you so much. thank you. tyler perry! alex cross! we will be right back. >> colbert: good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we're going to have a nice one for you tonight. from "the new york times" 538 block, statistician all-star nate silver will be joining us on the show. [cheering and applause] and then tomorrow night it's president barack obama. but still... [laughter] these people get to... [cheering and applause]

>> colbert: yes. >> you lead. >> colbert: dear lord. >> dear lord, yes. >> colbert: please let this country. >> and our leader. >> colbert: and our leaders and let alex cross open huge in the box office. and please, lord, please, help me in thanking tyler perry for being here. thank you so much. thank you. tyler perry! alex cross! we will be right back. úúúú j.d.: you never know who you're gonna find in the cafeteria at 5 a.m. it could be the husband who asked his wife, after 36 hours of labor, if the screaming was really necessary or the intern who's been on-call so many nights in a row, she's actually hallucinating... hi. i'd like 2 tickets to million dollar baby. or your best friends who have found time between shifts to discuss their marital troubles. why can't carla just let this go? wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend? yeah, but mostly because i had a husband. i'm gonna stay at elliot's for a few more days.

please. >> let me ask stephen colbert the character -- >> hold on. hello, i'm stephen colbert.es, please. >> give me your sense, who has the edge in this race? >> romney obviously. did you see him the other night? that guy is on fire. he is on a rocket ride at this point. >> what is the real stephen think? >> what. >> what does the real stephen think? >> i'm not your puppet to dance on your string david gregory. the real stephen is pleased that mitt romney got his [ bleep ] in a pile because i model conservative punditry, if he doesn't -- if he's not someone i can follow, i'm lost. i have to say up until wednesday night, i thought i don't know what i'm going to do for the next month. >> because why? >> because he was a walking sham bling mound of weakness. even the people who liked him didn't seem to be behind him that strongly. people were stepping out of his boat. they are all saying, that's the guy. i'll be right there. no, i'm just trying to the life jacket on right now. do i have to self-inflate or do i pull the cord? >> that all changed. >> now he's the man, long luscious

>> stephen colbert.terview on our website, meetthepress@msnbc.com. >>> mayor, the interesting thing about him, his comic genius, his work ethic, and his credibility as a satirist, what is the lesson, frankly, that politicians should take away from the reach that a colbert has and that a jon stewart has? >> first of all, you deserve combat papers. that was something. i would say it's authenticity. people want that on both republicans, independents, moderates. that's what i hear. and the people that will break through in the future are the ones that people believe. when you say something, they believe what you say. that's why tom brokaw is who he is. and that's why his voice is so valued. i'm happy to meet you. but i think that's what people want. >> tom, you know both colbert and stewart well. and their impact is real in terms of shaping opinion, particularly how young people view the political process. >> jon came to me when he first started. i barely knew him. he was a stand-up comic at the time, and he

>> stephen colbert.he full interview on our website, meetthepress@msnbc.com. >>> mayor, the interesting thing about him, his comic genius, his work ethic, and his credibility as a satirist, what is the lesson, frankly, that politicians should take away from the reach that a colbert has and that a jon stewart has? >> first of all, you deserve combat papers. that was something. i would say it's authenticity. people want that on both republicans, independents, moderates. that's what i hear. and the people that will break through in the future are the ones that people believe. when you say something, they believe what you say. that's why tom brokaw is who he is. and that's why his voice is so valued. i'm happy to meet you. but i think that's what people want. >> tom, you know both colbert and stewart well. and their impact is real in terms of shaping opinion, particularly how young people view the political process. >> jon came to me when he first started. i barely knew him. he was a stand-up comic at the ti

here's colbert coming into the studio after the romney debate performance. ♪ really feeling it with colberthe zeroed in on the tax plan romney laid out. the proposal was a bit difference from the one prom romney previously pitched on the trail. >> before the debate, mitt's campaign said, romney will come across as empathetic. but here's what mitt's been promising for the last two years. tax cuts for the wealthiest americans. how do you make that seem warm and fuzzy? you just need to shake it up as hard as mitt did last night. so let's give it a shot. okay. [ cheers and applause ] now let's see what mitt's tax plan looks like now. here you go. presto chango. now you see romney's policies, now you don't. >> how does he do it? >>> still ahead on "way too early," why are you awake? your magical tweets, texts, and e-mails. "morning joe" moments away. up. a short word that's a tall order. up your game. up the ante. and if you stumble, you get back up. up isn't easy, and we ought to know. we're in the business of up. everyday delta flies a quarter of million people while investing billions improvi

stephen colbert. >> that's right.> he's with us for the rest of the show. good morning. >> good morning. nice to see you. >> good morning. good morning. good morning. good to have you. >> thank you. >> glad to see you again. >> george? sam? >> thank you very much. >> stephen, the last time i was on your show, i came and brought a little bit of a gift. >> yes. >> i think we're going to have it right there. a little jack. >> jack daniels? >> yeah. >> george brought me jack daniels. >> it was jack daniel's. >> exactly. >> i brought you liquid, too, george. this is -- best way to start the day. little juice, with just a float of mountain dew. >> a mountain dew cocktail. >> it will get you there, man. >> just what you need at 8:00, too. >> cheers. >> you knock that back. and you have to start teasing, buddy. you have to earn the keep. >> what do we have coming up? good morning. hey, good morning. competition for being the most famous catholic in america. >> who is that? >> she can try. jenny mccarthy is here to tell us abo

i get some great deals on costumes. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report! ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] happy wednesday. folks, let's get straight to it. we have no time to waste here because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted wit

this is the colbert treadmill. it is the combined operational load bearing external resistance treadmill. okay. did you ever use my treadmill when you were up there. >> no, a year ago i think i may have broken it. >> stephen: seriously. >> maybe. no i don't know. i think it's probably been fixed. >> stephen: sure, sure, i'm sure the mouse is fine too. well, mark kelly, thank you so much for joining me. the book is mousetronaut. give your kid something to shoot for. we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation, before we go i am proud to announce the latest edition to the cold better report family, beatrice helen, born to my writer mike and his wife camille on monday. remember, mike, since this is your second child, you get half as much patent leave. because you already know how to be a father. third through 7th kids must be delivered at the office, check your contract. and what did he do during his first day with his precious new daughter? he texted me a pitch, quote great article in times on pa

he called in stephven colbert.tless handlers to get him ready for the showdown. >> jon, you are in worse shape than i thought. i have to take it to another level. full emersion. fetch me fletcher carlson. >> what? >> i'm going to release this chicken. gorgeous, american into your studio. you must catch it. >> oh, okay. all right. once i catch the chicken, i'm ready to debate. >> no. no, jon. first you catch the chicken, then you must use the chicken to wax a car. wax on -- wax off. >> so, after i use the chicken to wash your car -- >> yes. >> am i ready? >> no. not even close. to defeat bill o'reilly you must catch the bird, wax my car with the bird, then absorb the power to defeat bill o'reilly, you must make it into a chick-fil-a sandwich. >> for god's sake. >> yes. >> no! that is completely absurd. >> do you want to win? >> i do want to win. >> then let the training begin. all right! ahh -- >> by the way, you can stream the o'reilly/stewart debate for five bucks or rumble 2012.com. why are you awake. "morning jo

(laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, please, nation -- (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind to me. nation, it has been 16 months since mitt romney declared his candidacy-- a month since he accepted the nomination and five days since he started running for president. (laughter) folks, he is surging! new polls have him tied with or leading the president and the "new york times" 538 blog now gives him a 28.6% chance of winning! he is on a rocket ride to plausible! (laughter) and, of course, in the face of this surge, obama has become desperate. yesterday at a california fund fund-raiser he warned the audience what it's gonna take to win saying "we're only going to do it if everybody is almost obsessive for the next 29

(laughter) unprecedented in the history of "the colbert report."cheers and applause) sadly, sadly these repeated victories have led to accusations that anybody showing this much sack for that long must be ball doping. and, folks, frankly, i've just grown weary of these charges. are my balls big? yes. when i fly do i need to buy two extra seats? sure. but it's all natural. so you may ask steven, why aren't you fighting these charges? because i don't want to drag america through my ball scandal! (laughter) or scandalize america by dragging my balls through it! it's a real problem. that's why i don't wear wide-legged pants. or ride escalators anymore. that is also why -- true. dangerous. that is also why effective today i am stepping down as chairman of the wristrong foundation. (boos) i have to do this. i have to do this. we haven't spoken but i trust my balls will also be stepping down. or at least descending. there it is. and though i will no longer be chairman, i will be staying on the board which has no other members but me. so i am proud to anno

me, stephen colbert! this is formidable opponent.pplause] ♪ [bell ringing] >> stephen, thank you for joining me. >> well, i'll go on any show to promote my new book "america again, rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." [ laughter ] next week, i'm guest-hosting "here comes honey boo boo." 'cuz a dollah makes me hollah! [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> well, i'd never stoop that low myself, but i've got to admire shameless self-promotion. >> oh no-- there's some shame. [ laughter ] >> i'd love an autographed copy. >> you bet: okay. here we go. all right. to stephen, you complete me. stephen. all right. there you go. >> thanks very much. >> okay, stephen, voters respond to authenticity. so mitt's clear victory in the 1st debate proves his new moderate values are the real ones. >> you are adorable. who got sucked in by romney? who got sucked in? you did! >> no, i didn't. >> yes, you did! >> knock it off. >> who doesn't like it when i talk like this? you don't! >> hey, if anyone "fell for it," it's you hard liners when you nomi

for instance, all this week i've been on "the colbert report." next week i will be pushing the book on good morning america, anderson cooper, live with kelly, late night with david letterman and in the opening credits of downton abbey. (applause) we have similar views on immigration. bloody-- folk, the whole publicity folk stretch launches this monday night at 9:00 p.m. when i sit down with oprah! (cheers and applause) oprah's next chapter, again, that is sunday at 9:00 on the oprah winfrey network. uh, some people have to name everything after themselves. by doing this i will be joining the ranks of such next chapterers as lady ga ga, usher, jennifer hudson, gabbie dougeas, ree hanna and 50 cent. that by the way is actually a picture of lady gaga wearing a dress made of those other people. (laughter) anyway, sunday, me oprah, jimmy, show them a clip. >> ms. win-free, hello. won't you-- won't you please. okay. to ungcious, i don't want to seem needy. oprah, no, okay. welcome to your next chapter. >> hi, bye. >> extraordinary. >> you get the idea.

(laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd also like to toast my jewish viewers who are breaking fast tonight. to life! or, as your people say, aloha! (laughter) to the rest of my viewers out there, i'm afraid i have some tragic news. jim? >> the financial times reports drought conditions here in the u.s. say that it's destroyed crops used to feed pigs. the pig association says it became too expensive f