>> colbert: yes. >> you lead. >> colbert: dear lord. >> dear lord, yes. >> colbert: please let this country. >> and our leader. >> colbert: and our leaders and let alex cross open huge in the box office. and please, lord, please, help me in thanking tyler perry for being here. thank you so much. thank you. tyler perry! alex cross! we

daily show," "the colbert report."nd stephen's book "america again" is available now. we'll be right back with the avett brothers. [ male announcer ] whether it's kevin's smartphone... ♪ ...mom's smartphone... dad's tablet... or lauren's smartphone... at&t has a plan built to help make families' lives easier. introducing at&t mobile share. one plan lets you share data on up to 10 devices with unlimited talk and text. add a tablet for only $10 per month. at&t. by the way they clean themselves in the bathroom. try charmin ultra strong. with a new duraclean texture, it helps you get clean. plus it's four times stronger than the leading value brand. and you can use up to four times less. charmin ultra strong. >> jimmy: this is their latest cd, it is called "the carpent carpenter." this song is not from it, but i asked them to do it for reasons you will soon understand. here with the song "i and love and you" with some help from the brooklyn philharmonic, the avett brothers. ♪ ♪ load the car and write the note grab your bag

and the colbert report can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage o2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight we are live. [crowd cheering] >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please. >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rude. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point the election too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those too. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crouc crotch by a pumpkin. that was called an october surprise. [laughter] i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a napkin. this is bla

the real colbert says he's already broadcasted naked from the waist down. couldn't get away with that on this show. bruce leshan reports there's yet another difference as well. >> ladies and gentlemen, one, two, me. >> reporter: stephen colbert plays a right wing pundit on comedy central. like anyone vain enough to appear on tv every night. >> i may be a news junkie but i also got to have my story. >> reporter: he just cannot get enough of himself. ah, self-love. colbert said the artist painted him in dots and measured him with calibers. >> i even sent them a dvd of my latest colonoscopy. >> reporter: ey missed one detail. >> i'm american. >> reporter: tried not to be a pompous tv guy myself. how do they do this? do they dip you entirely in hot wax and it pulls all your hair out and everything. >> most of the time they actually murder the suspect. >> reporter: they didn't murder dan rather but they did relegate him to the gift shop to make way for colbert's man crayole. he called himself the latest wax american. >> it reminds me of my infancy. >> looft spit

i might have even founded one, colbert super pac.on't know if you remember our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: wow, i'm surprised. i didn't really make that big of a deal of it. (laughter) you see me and everybody else who had a super pac thought we were playas. well, turned out we were scrubbed. jim? >> you had the super pacs spending literally billions of dollars, billions of dollars to defeat the president while the president was re-elected. >> seems like people like karl rove and others who took a lot of money for the super pacs -- >> rove was in denial but you can understand why. his american crossroa crossroads-- according to some foundation just 1.29% of that money went to candidates who actually won. 1.29%. >> you know some of the guys that he took money from are casino owners. they know guy with flat knowses and brass knuckles who going to want to be known what happened with the money. >> stephen: karl's in big trouble. (laughter) they're going to take his thumbs and karl is almost all thumbs. (la

this is the "the colbert report". welcome to the program, everybody. [applause]. >> ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. >> thank you for joining us. i'm in the tv biz where it's all about the demographics. the demo we call it. i work hard to appeal to the millenials, for example, by calling them millenials. young people love to be target marketed by their birthdate and marketing power. >> you know "gangnam style." no idea what that means but they eat it up. that's right. that's why i stay up on all of the hottest millennial trends. right now there is nothing that 18 to 34 love more than soup player. you need proof. let me school on america's hottest liquid food trend. campbell's go the new youth skewing line of soups made especially for millenials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing. the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. this generation will go in history for demanding different soup. >> according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of soups designed for people like

colbert was born in d.c. and he says he's happy to be back. but the guy who has run for president a couple of times refuses to divulge his secrets for solving the nation's problems. >> i'm not gonna tell you. you have to elect me first. why buy the cow when you can get the answer to our nation's problems for free? >> reporter: he hopes another politician will join him in wax soon. >> john boehner, he has a waxy quality. >> reporter: now, madame tussauds wax museum says stephen colbert will be on permanent display. but the media worries that global warning will steve the stephen colbert figure melted on the floor. >>> prescription for success tonight. a new book out called life code, the new rules for winning in the new world. dr. phil spoke about his inspiration on 9 news at noon today. >> from time to time, i get people coming at me and my family, trying to exploit us, trying to use us, trying to abuse us. and then i thought, you know what? i'm going to look at the pattern and see if there's a consistency here of who it is that comes after us

and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a n

( laughter ) this is the "colbert report."tioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i'm in the tv biz, where it's all about the demo graphics -- the demo, we call it. so i work hard to appeal to the millennials. for example, by calling them millennials. ( laughter ) young people love being target marketed by their births date and purchasing power, you know, gangnam style. ( cheers and applause ) no idea what that means, but they eat it up! that's why-- that's why i stay up on all the hottest millennial trends. and right now, there is nothing 18- to 34-year-old upper middle-income kids love more than soup, playah! you need proof? well, let me school you on america's hottest liquid food trend, campbell's go, the new youth-scwug line of sumes made especially for millennials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one

her mom is doing fine. >> wow. >> what a girl. >>> maybe one stephen colbert isn't enough for you. well, now there are two. the comedy channel political humorist was in town today. tom sherwood caught up with colbert who now sits among presidents in washington. >> reporter: stephen colbert walked into madame tussauds and put the occasion into perspective, his political perspective. >> ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time in every great man's life when he must be cast in wax. if only to remove unwanted body hair. being cast in wax is true immortality, as long as the earth is not in any way getting warmer. one, two, me! >> woo! >> i'm so beautiful. >> reporter: colbert, of course, began fooling around with himself. >> this is what it's like to be with me. i would so want to be a guest on my show. >> reporter: colbert joins a whole host of other contemporary wax figures at the commercial downtown museum. but these people were real people, lined up by the hundreds on connecticut avenue friday afternoon for a colbert book signing at politics and prose. >> it's intelligent humor. he

colbert, d.f.a. where's the pretty lady?aughter ) a quick disclaimer, i am not a medical doctor. i have an honorar doctorate in fine arts which is why i give pam sneers georgia o'keefe's paintings. as always, cheating death is it brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott-- our products are made with t.l.c., tetro-licene-chlorofluoride. not a proven carcinogen. first up, drug health. a new study out of taiwan could lead to a breakthrough in battling ipfluenza. taiwanese scientists found of found meth may have flu-fighting properties. it's feed a fever, starve a cold. this discovery was made when scientists were trying to determine if meth would increase users' risk for getting sick with the flu. but in a surprising result, when they expose cells to meth, it reduce virus propagation and susceptibility to influenza infection. that's right. meth will fight off your flu. meth is the reason you were sleeping outside naked in the first place. the point is, the point is, folks, science has determined that other than brain

but that is simply not the case. >> james colbert, what do you see as a solution?this solution to which specific issue are you referring? it is very important to note. >> what is happening right now, the bombardment of gaza by the israeli military and also the broader solution to how this conflict will end, which clearly, endangers the security of palestinians as well as israelis. >> the immediate hostilities could be brought to a conclusion if the hamas is willing to abide by a cease- fire, which has structural elements that show it will last, not simply a status quo where -- which we assume the past, or the rocket fire will increase over time to appoint or the sovereign government israel cannot sit idly by while its citizens are attack from the territory outside the borders of its state. i am petraeus to understand the description of gaza as occupied considering the israelis withdrew from it and in many critics have said by many ways they have paid a secure a price either withdraw because had they still been there, these rockets would not be flying. his release c

election day a-okay. >> bill, thanks so much. >>> on this on-election-day-eve, stephen colbert lookedthe last-minute campaigning. >> it is election eve, just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both candidates are pulling out all the stops. >> the president will be florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and ohio. lem show you the mitt romney schedule. he's trying to go into pennsylvania. it's florida, it's virginia, it's new hampshire. >> so if you live in one of these states, the colbert report is now issuing a severe candidate warning. be prepared with fresh water and flashlights and please, if you have a single working class female suburban undecided voter in your home, cover her with plywood. or she could get sucked up into a vortex of pandering. >>> and this comes to us from wptv news channel 5 where in nearby jupiter, some pint-sized students held their own presidential election. students at light house elementary have chosen their president. look at that little guy. he's proud of himself for voting. some voted to go forward with barack obama but the majority decided cha

i present "the colbert report" 7 seventh anniversary portrait. like a picture of the doorin gray only in this case while the painting remains young and have i bunt i wither to a husk of my former myself and i'm holding my new book america again, re-becoming the greatness we never weren't. it makes a great gift for anyone having their portrait done. >> this entire show would not be possible without you. >> it's a portrait of you in the form of me. and i have to say you look great. >> goodnight, everybody. and happy thanksgiving. e ) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh

this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire.e the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> the re-presidenting of america. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) who will replace obama? ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering )

just ahead, bill karins will have the weather and stephen colbert on the ultimate voter. share the photos you've taken of election day experience. you can use #2012. might show them on air or online. [ male announcer ] the way it moves. the way it cleans. everything about the oral-b power brush is simply revolutionary. oral-b power brushes oscillate, rotate and even pulsate to gently loosen and break up that sticky plaque with more brush movements than manual brushes and even up to 50% more than leading sonic technology brushes for a superior clean. oral-b power brushes. go to oralb.com for the latest offers. at legalzoom, we've created a better place to turn for your legal matters. maybe you want to incorporate a business you'd like to start. or protect your family with a will or living trust. legalzoom makes it easy with step-by-step help when completing your personalized document -- or you can even access an attorney to guide you along. with an "a" rating from the better business bureau legalzoom helps you get personalized and affordable legal protection. in most state

this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> the re-presidenting of america. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) who will replace obama? ( crowd cheering )

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you just got the colbert bump. (cheers and applause) do you agree to make this your new city flag and change yourtoryist signs. "welcome to wind or, you taint seen nothing yet." (laughter and applause) folks, wall street is taking a lot of heat lately. you destroy the global economy once and everyone forgets all the times you didn't destroy it. (laughter) plus our finance sector is much safer now because wall street has removed the weakest link-- man. >> for 150 years, the floor of 2 t change was the center of the financial world. but less than 30% of the trading is conducted here now and the specialists in the noise of the floor is being replaced by the speed and quiet efficiency of computers. >> stephen: though humans still play an important role-- as seen here as goldman sachs. (laughter) now, folks, superfast computers are necessary for something called high frequency trading or h.f.t. or hft" the sound of your pension evaporating. computers can move millions of shares around in minutes earning a tenth of a pen

this is "the colbert report."cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thi

colbert was born here in d.c. and hosts the colbert report on comedy central. you can see he was quite impressed by his own likeness. yuk. >> this is what it's like to be with me. i would so want to be a guest on my show. >> colbert wasn't just here to spend some time with his new wax double. he was also in town to meet with fans and sign copies of his newest book "america again." i think he made out with himself. >> i don't know. kind of gross. it was kind of odd. i almost can't believe we showed that. but, you know, a wax revealing with steven colbert is going to be unlike any other one. >>> the time is 6:26. coming up the big secret in american university student kept from her boyfriend until they got engaged. >> hear how it changed the tone of their wedding. >>> you've heard about the 494 express lanes opening up today. what if you can access them illegally? how much would it cost you, next? >>> what not to buy on black friday. we have expert advice coming up on news 4 today. >>> good morning everyone. welcome to news 4 today. i'm richard jordan. >> i'm ang

television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the big prize tonight. it sits at $550 million. >> stephen: $550 million! suck my powerball! (laughter and applause) jimmy, play my jam. ♪ you're a rich girl and you've gone too far ♪ because you know it don't matter anyway -- ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ you can rely on the old man's money -- ♪ >> stephen: now -- (laughs) whoo! (cheers and applause) now i know that lotto money is going to be mine, okay? even though the drawing hasn't happened yet, even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one. because i bought 175 million tickets. (laughter) and i'm guaranteed to win, because every single one of these babies has the exact same lucky numbers. (laughter) all right? so it's in the bank. i am megarich! no more slaving away for the man 30 minutes a day four days a week. (laughter) look, it's

now folks, over a year ago i promised to make you a player in this election thanks to colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: i remember when i came up with that slogan. seems just like yesterday, yesterday. if are you looking for a little proof of just how influential we have been in this election, well, listen mitt romney today. giving his closing arguments. >> your work is making a difference. the people of the world are watching. the people of america are watching. we could begin a better tomorrow tomorrow. >> stephen: he used our slogan! (cheers and applause) i love you! folks, i think-- i think that proves that m itt is a candidate just as serious and sincere as i am. (laughter) i mean my words, his mouth. i feel like i'm a billionaire. (laughter) now of course that does not mean that mitt's campaign and my super pac are coordinating in anyway. in fact, i have no official relationship to either campaign. i haven't even signed up for any of their e-mails but somehow and this is true, last week the obama people just found me. and h

>> actually, you can. >> colbert nation is in good legal hands with trevor potter.system works. he advised george h.w. bush and john mccain on their campaigns for the white house. he helped draft the mccain-feingold reform act, chaired the commission and founded the campaign legal center and that's a nonpartisan group working with other campaign finance reformers to counter the influence of the $6 billion election. welcome back, trevor. >> thank you very much. nice to be here. >> so did the money matter or not? >> let me give you an analogy that you would appreciate on the east coast which is if you have a hurricane and you come out ask say i'm still alive, do you stop worrying about hurricanes? no, and i think that's where we a are. the tidal wave of money is there. it left lots of democrats standing. it was nowhere near what the super pacs hoped it would be on the republican side in the senate races and obviously it didn't elect governor romney, but they had a huge influence on the race and the next elections. >> i've heard so many people say since the election, t