colbert and john stewart. >> colbert is another guy like gregory who is just a left wing -- just admit it. just admit. so don't hide behind this i get everybody. he doesn't get everybody. stewart does. he'll go after you no matter where you are. both liberal guys. both play to their audience but a lot of right wingers do that too so i don't have a beef with that. but i don't like colbert kind of hiding, you know? so that's what i said. he has to be better than fallon and kimmel. i don't think he is better. i could be wrong and if he isn't better, he's not going to do well. >> can we give him pinhead? >> not yet. let's see what he's got. >> really? >> i'm not going to give him a pinhead yet. i don't like the fact he won't admit what he is. >> i don't mind he makes lots of mo lots of people do. >> what's he going to do with the david letterman show? >> can he do it as steven colbert. he's from south carolina. >> yeah. give stewart a patriot hen? >> yeah. i have done a lot of stuff with stewart. he's fundamentally a good guy. >> last one, eric bolling? >> who? >> i'm not going to answer t

that was the great stephen colbert sitting down with florida congressional candidate jake rush. republicans challenging ted yoho. but has become more well-known for what he does in his free time. see, jake rush likes to role play as a vampire with several alter egos. i'm not making this up. here's colbert asking him about that. >> you go by the alter egos chazz darling, stas van wp ynst and archbishop kettering. who am i speaking to now? >> you're speaking to jake rush. >> that was a great character name. >> that's my real name. >> jake rush woke early one morning, he didn't know why there was blood on his sheets, all he knew, there was a dead woman in bed with him. what happens next what happens next? >> hopefully he gets out the vote, gets people motivated to come out. >> what a mismatch of minds there. anyway. rush says -- that's rush there, says being ohm about his vampire role playing helps him focus on privacy rights, and personal freedom. that's "hardball" for now. coming up next, "your business" with j.j. ramberg. at delta we're investing billions of dollars, improving e

here's colbert asking him about that. >> you go by the alter egos chazz darling, staffs van wynst. and archbishop keterring. who am i speaking to now? >> you're speaking to jake rush. >> that was a great character name. >> that's my real name. >> jake rush woke early one morning, he didn't know why there was blood on his sheets, all he knew, there was a dead woman in bed with him. what happens next what happens next? >> hopefully he gets out the vote, gets people motivated to come out. >> what a mishmash of minds there. rush says -- he says being open about his vampire role helps him focus on privacy rights and personal freedom. that's "hard ball"for now. up next "your business." because beautiful skin goes with everything. [ female announcer ] aveeno® daily moisturizing lotion has active naturals® oat with five vital nutrients naturally found in healthy skin. where do i wear aveeno®? everywhere. aveeno® daily moisturizing lotion.. and try the body wash too. aveeno®. naturally beautiful results™. >>> looking around in hamilton, missouri, you might think this is a sleepy little town

folks, i have just been handed a late-breaking steven colbert consumer alert. attention, tension outdoorsman if are you the owner of a cabela jerky blaster model ix 540848 put down the blaster and step away from the meat gun. for more on this breaking story we turn to our affiliate at kstp st. paul's news leader. >> now to a consumer alert for cabela customers. the outdoor retailer is recalling 600 of these jerky blasters. they're used to make jerky strips and sticks. cabela says the battery chargeary dapter can overcharge causing it to overheat and start a fire. >> thanks, eric. critically important information, folks. this jerky blaster's battery charger adaptor can overheat. also, there is something called a jerky blaster. (laughter) did not know. according to cabela it is an electrically powered handheld jerky extruder. you cram your meat into the tube, then pull the trigger and the meat is squirted out in tiddee strips. it is similar to a caulking gun but the difference is there is no difference. there is the perfect gift for any hunter who has ever though

this is the colbert report

this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, most of the viewers of the show will know that i don't like to harp on the same things night after night but some things are just too important. for instance, i have said it many times, i am no fan of pope francis. i said it many times i'm no fan of pope francis. see, now i've said, i've said it many times, many

up next, stephen colbert takes on the right wing's monica truthers. they're crazy. >>> lewinsky's return is great news to republicans. because this reminder of the darkest chapter of the clinton legacy comes right before clinton launches that 2016 campaign. now that's over, done. take the bathtub out of the storage because we're getting president chris christie. >> welcome whack to "hardball." that was the great steve colbert talking about the return of monica lewinsky last week in an article she wrote for "vanity fair." he dove into the conservative media theory that lewinsky's reappearance may be all part of a plan cooked up by hillary clinton herself. >> hillary is trying to make this 16-year-old news old news. you see, if we talk about the lewinsky scandal now, then we won't be talking about it now when she's running in 2016, because if tles. >> one thing the conservative media is known for, it is letting things go. >> the media and democrats can communicate without talking, right? it's understood. >> ah-ha! >> the media can communicate with democ

how much more colbert bump do you guys need, all right?gic from me. >> magic, we need more magic. >> stephen: you're magic vampires. how did you working with my prostate influence your new album which is called "turn blue." >> that is braws braut us into our blue period. >> stephen: this is an image from my colonoscopy on the front. and that dark area in the middle does not look good. i should have that checked out. okay, you guys are known for your concise blues rock. your first album had, like, two-minute songs on it, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: this one has, like, seven-minute songs on it with two-minute guitar leads. did trayan stazio get to you? why so long? >> i don't know, apparently we made the records wrong according to the pitchforks. our primitive neanderthal minds expanded slightly and could contextualize four- to seven-minute songs this time around. >> stephen: it's good for d.j.s because that's enough time to go take a dump. very generous of you guys. this has a little psyche dealia influence to it. obviously the spirals on t

this is the "colbert report."

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this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, most of the viewers of the show will know that i don't like to harp on the same things night after night but some things are just too important. for instance, i have said it many times, i am no fan of pope francis. i said it many times i'm no fan of pope francis. see, now i've said, i've said it many times, many times. (laughter) ever since he took over at head of the church he's been a little too welcoming to all god's children. just last year he said evenatists can go to heaven. great idea, frank. first dogs, now atheists. what is next, presbyterian, it's madness. the only good thing about atheists getting into they have enis i could say i told you so that is my idea of paradise. well now pope moonbeam over here has driven his welcome wagon where no pope has gone

just ask stephen colbert. finally, kathleen matthews there she is, former top news anchor here in washington is coming on to talk about the spiking global interest in women's issues. from the whorrors of nigeria to the smashing of the glass cheel l ceiling here at home. salmon . but the energy bp produces up here salmon . creates something else as well: jobs all over america. engineering and innovation jobs. advanced safety systems & technology. shipping and manufacturing. across the united states, bp supports more than a quarter million jobs. when we set up operation in one part of the country, people in other parts go to work. that's not a coincidence. it's one more part of our commitment to america. >> it's a tie between barbara bush and hillary clinton both at 20%. michelle obama is close behind at 24%. but watch what happens when you break down those numbers among democrats. michelle obama is the narrow winner. republicans picked barbara bush over her daughter-in-law laura bush 45 to 36. and independents

attention, colbert tret midaccess crise protocol alpha, gamma, victor. retake the i.s.s. for america. engage, treadmill. hello? is this on? ( laughter ) treadmill, continue operating ?rmly. normally, and make him all sweaty. good treadmill. kill! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) nation, there is nothing that gets me more excited than a good political rivalry-- gore. bush v. gore. bush v. door. ( cheers and applause ) well, buckle up, information, because there's a new political battle roal, karl versus hillary. >> karl rove suggested hillary clinton may have brain damage. >> tonight, karl rove claiming hillary clinton-- >> the headline in the "new york post" screaming, "karl rove, hillary may have brain damage." >> he was talking about hillary's treatment after she suffered a fall and concussion. >> he said this, "30 days in a hospital and when she aappears she's wearing glasses for people with traumatic brain injury. we node to know what's up with that." >> stephen: yeah, what's up with that. congress must convene a select committee to investigate the whatness of tha

. >>> les moonves responded to pundits who claim stephen colbert has a liberal bias. moonves stated at a conference on monday that colbert is much more moderate than people think he is. >>> and tv's highest paid star will make her primetime debut later this month. judge judy sheindlin will be in a special that will examine new court cases and her rise to daytime tv stardom. she is one wealthy person, though. >> i didn't even understand how wealthy she was until i found out. number one show. >> i know, yes. >> every local station bids on her show and she's cashing in. >> it is a staple. so true. i'm richard lui. this is "early today." we hope it is just your first stop of the day right here on nbc. >>> leading the news in the washington post, hundreds of kidnapped nigerian school girls reportedly sold as brides to militants for $12, relatives say. the post cautions it could not independently verify those claims. the girls were taken by armed militants from their dormitory in mid-april. >>> on nbcnews.com, new york teen accepted to eight ivy league school picks yale. he

this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the respect, everybody. thank you so much. stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! stephen! stephen stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ( cheers and applause ). folks-- folks, i gotta tell you, i've got to tell you it is not often that an audience loves me so much i can hear it with my deaf ear. ( cheers and applause ). nation, i-- i gotta tell you, folks, i am furious at barack obama. ( laughter ) and i am vice-furious at joe biden. it seems like every day, another federal agency reveals their lack of leadership. case in point-- the bureau of engraving and printing has just produced a portrait of chief justice roberts that in no way captures the elfin twinkle in his eye. ( laughter ) this kind of work, and i'm supposed to spend the money these people print? no thanks. and now it turns out that the department of veterans affairs

do you think that colbert was too funny then or was too snarky? invited to the correspondents dinner. >> wow! maybe you should be hosting tonight, mark! >> wait a minute! let me set the record straight here. as a matter of fact i was invited but because hi to do this i did not go and i was invited to speak on the atlantic about lgbt issues so take that. >> i don't buy it. look. i think it was funny. the fact that george bush was a little uncomfortable means he is too sensitive. the whole point is to make jokes and now you'll hear the same thing. a lot of jokes and some hurtful and not make fun of people that died in a plane crash. we might make fun of how the media covered it. we will be making fun of fox news and the republican party and the president. we make fun of the republicans. that is what it's all about. it's funny! >> did george w. bush or whoever walked out, did they forget their senses of humor? listen. some of the jokes about president obama, i mean, they have been hilariously mean and rude, but i think it's funny. >> i think it's fun

plav (laughter) that is it for another edition of stephen colbert's [bleep], tune in next time when i ask how did you know i would be doing this segment again. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) this is smith & forge hard cider. it's like jasper here. strong. sturdy. but not too sweet. [ male announcer ] built from apples. built to refresh. smith & forge hard cider. made strong. t-mobile introduces 4g lte data for just forty bucks a month. unlimited talk and text for just forty bucks and no overages ever. ♪ say, wow, wow. ♪ girls in the back same. ♪ wow, wow. ♪ enter the party. [ speaking russian ] ♪ ♪ i have no idea what you're saying, but count me in! ♪ that's odd. (vo) celebrate this memorial day with up to 40% off hotels at travelocity. plus, enter promo code memorial50 for an additional $50 off. (gnome) go and smell the roses. ♪ ♪ what is this place? where are we? this is where we bring together the fastest internet and the best in entertainment. we call it the x1 entertainment operating system. it looks like the future! he has a phaser! it's not a phaser! it's my phone!

and steven colbert weighs in on rand paul's big debates over the weekend. that and much more. around. scott: hello! nbr: scott - we're concerned. you just fed your lawn earlier this spring and now you're at it again. scott: (chuckles) indeed, a crucial late spring feeding helps defend the grass against the summer heat to come. nbr: we knew that - right guys? oh yeah! scott: feed your lawn. feed it! the was a truly amazing day. without angie's list, i don't know if we could have found all the services we needed for our riley. for over 18 years we've helped people take care of the things that matter most. join today at angieslist.com >>> earlier in the show, we told you about thom tillis' victory in north carolina. the crowded gop senate. if you want to sound smart today, tell your friends according to a study by the american media project across the country spending on ads, it's surpassed the 43 million mark. that's a 45% increase of two years ago. over 109,000 ads have already aired. >>> before we go to "the cooler" i wanted to take a moment here. on monday, cinco de mayo, "wa

plav (laughter) that is it for another edition of stephen colbert's [bleep], tune in next time when i ask how did you know i would be doing this segment again. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) avo: when cold refreshment calls... coors light answers. frost brewed coors light. the world's most refreshing beer. t-mobile introduces 4g lte data for just forty bucks a month. unlimited talk and text for just forty bucks and no overages ever. ♪ say, wow, wow. ♪ girls in the back same. ♪ wow, wow. ♪ enter the party. what are you waiting for? (vo) get up to 40% off hotels this memorial day at travelocity. plus, enter promo code memorial50 for an additional $50 off. (gnome) go and smell the roses. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight won a pulitzer prize for his reporting on the nsa but it's our data they stole. where is our pulitzer. please welcome glenn greenwald. (applause) i have been waiting for this for a long time. >> good, good. >> stephen: i got my knives out for you, my man. >> ready. >> stephen: welcome to the lion's den. all right, let's explain to people w

stephen colbert moment, that was great. what's interesting about that and maybe that kbets to both sides of this. there was outrage at colbert for kind of breaking a code because he was so up front in being kind of angry within that humor. on the one hand it was great he was up there and it's good to have presidents make fun of themselves, but that showed there's something odd. >> the interesting thing about that colbert one is in the write-up the next day, "the new york times" didn't mention it at all. they mentioned george bush had a double with him. they wrote about that and then they realized most of the attention outside of washington had been on stephen colbert's speech so they corrected themselves. we kind of missed this one. so that's the dinner. i will be watching it tonight. >> but we're going to move on to a couple things in the news this week. there's a lot going on. we have all these things to get to. people are are talking about. the clintons overnight tim kaine became the late toast throw his support behind h

plav (laughter) that is it for another edition of stephen colbert's [bleep], tune in next time when i ask how did you know i would be doing this segment again. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) it takes place in anhaha, cleveland... i love it babe. i'm not your babe. you weren't saying that this morning, when you're like... mmmmm mmmm mmm alright we're done. break up with lingering food. (ding!) mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit i've been using these bounce bursts. they bring outdoor freshness inside, so i guess i forgot i wasn't outside. [ sniffs ] behold. [ birds chirping ] [ shaking ] i love being outdoors. [ male announcer ] new bounce bursts for more outdoor freshness. verizon has always set out to provide you with the most powerful and reliable network experience. and now for the next advancement. introducing verizon xlte. with 2x the 4g lte bandwidth and faster peak speeds in cities coast-to-coast, there's more space for everyone to stream and share more. this is xlte. for best results, use verizon. now brin

plav (laughter) that is it for another edition of stephen colbert's [bleep], tune in next time when i ask how did you know i would be doing this segment again. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) malcolm campbell we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) would not slow down. when they told him he had reached the limit. he just had one thought: faster. what was he chasing? what are you chasing? berry pomegranate mio. do i just squirt a little? or you can squirt a lot. ...really changes your water. it changes everything. [ male announcer ] mio. squirt some. t-mobile introduces 4g lte data for just forty bucks a month. unlimited talk and text for just forty buckseverything. and no overages ever. ♪ say, wow, wow. ♪ girls in the back same. ♪ wow, wow. ♪ enter the party. 0 to 60?performance? or 60 to 0? how a car performs in a quarter-mile? or a quarter-century? is performance about the joy of driving? or the importance... of surviving? to us, performance is not about doing one thing well. it is about doing everything well. because in the end... everything matte

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. >>> c bk is defending its decision to bring in stephen colbert as the new late night host.said colbert has a liberal bias. >>> president obama giving a nod to j.t., justin timberlake in the 'nsync song "it's gonna be me." on his facebook page he posted it's gonna be may. and that is your morning dish of scrambled politics. >>> right now in washington, i am joined by syndicated clumist bob franken. always a pleasure. it's gonna be may. is that your slogan in. >> i have to tell you, carrying guns during a zombie apocalypse. can they be stopped by guns? >> word's out on that. i'm not sure. >> could you have the research department check? >> we'll get on that right away. in the meantime, though, i want to start off with toronto mayor rob ford. a new video as allegedly surfaced showing him possibly smoking crack cocaine. ford has decided to go to rehab. but that being the case, is this the end of the political road for him? >> one would have thought by now would have been the end of the political road. i guess the political road would end, one would think, when the next election

plav (laughter) that is it for another edition of stephen colbert's [bleep], tune in next time when i ask how did you know i would be doing this segment again. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) honestly, the off-season isn't really off for me. i've got a lot to do. that's why i got my surface. it's great for watching game film and drawing up plays. it's got onenote, so i can stay on top of my to-do list, which has been absolutely absurd since the big game. with skype, it's just really easy to stay in touch with the kids i work with. alright, russell you are good to go! alright, fellas. alright, russ. back to work! it takes place in anhaha, cleveland... i love it babe. i'm not your babe. you weren't saying that this morning, when you're like... mmmmm mmmm mmm alright we're done. break up with lingering food. (ding!) mmmmm mmmm for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪ eat, drink, chew orbit i live in a luxury penthouse overlooking central park. when the guests arrive, they're greeted by my butler, larry. my helipad is being re-surfaced so tonight we travel by more humble means.

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and stephen colbert has a few reasons why hillary clinton should stay out of the 2016 race for president. we'll hear from him around the cooler and that story and a check on the weather when "way too early" comes right back. >> susan lucci the 19th time was a charm. she won a day time emmy last night. her first win but her 19th nomination. she plays erica kane on "all my children" and thus ends the longest losing streak in day time television. tigers, both of you. tigers? don't be modest. i see how you've been investing. setting long term goals. diversifying. dip! you got our attention. we did? of course. you're type e* well, i have been researching retirement strategies. well that's what type e*s do. welcome home. taking control of your retirement? e*trade gives you the tools and resources to get it right. are you type e*? a woman who loves to share her passions. grandma! mary has atrial fibrillation, an irregular heartbeat not caused by a heart valve problem. that puts her at a greater risk of stroke. rome? sure! before xarelto®, mary took warfarin, which required monthly trips to get

. >>> and on the colbert report last night, funny man stephen colbert tackled the v.a. the obama people say they first learned of these allegations from cnn. he had no clue what is going on in his own administration. here is an idea, get the nsa to start spying on wolf blitzer. >> better look over your shoulder, wolf. >> well, i suspect people are watching all the time what is going on. thank you very much, susan for that very funny stuff on colbert. >>> up next, the fight to stay alive against all odds. how a man climbed 70 feet out of an icy crack in a mountain, we'll talk to him later. >>> also, the amazing story how a man survived a bomb attack in afghanistan but lost his four limbs. these days he is biking, running and jumping out of planes. our clients need a lot of attention. there's unlimited talk and text. we're working deals all day. you get 10 gigabytes of data to share. what about expansion potential? add a line anytime for 15 bucks a month. low dues... great terms... let's close. introducing at&t mobile share value plans... ...with our best-ever pricing for

prepared not if we will have a fire but when. >> betted is due to the drought conditions they did get colbertonditions today and expected tomorrow and sunday as well that is good news. they found one burned body at a homeless camping carlsbad and three people have then arrested for attempting to start fires but they say that apparently they have not be linked to any of the larger fires that burned homes like those behind me. those are still under investigation. lou: ed will carr report -- reporting. general motors agreed to pay a record $35 million fine to settle of federal investigation into the 10 year delay of the ignition switch recall. it would cause them to shut off while driving causing 13 deaths. doesot include civil lawsuits or criminal investigation by federal and local governments and does not include a compensation package r the victims that could be worked out in the future. a cop and a mailman hailed as heroes after they stop a runaway truck caught on dash camera video is in the south carolina. the police man jumps into the back t help the 84 year-old driver who was working unde

well, last night stephen colbert joined the ranks of those hash tag skeptics. >> i love internet memes all, the word meme is just the word "me" twice. this one is huge, even michelle obama jumped on the hash-tagon. i cannot get on this twitter campaign, because none of my friends are into it. >> are these barbarians in the wild of nigeria supposed to check their twitter accounts, uh-oh, michelle obama is cross with us, better change our behavior. >> yes, terrorists in the wild aren't on twitter. they are up to some nasty business. obviously, they are using snap chat. besides, you do not launch a twitter campaign to rescue kidnapped daughters, you send in liam neeson. >> that's from the movie "taken." >>> next up, nevada's republican governor brian sandoval is campaigning for his second term this year, but if he's serious about his re-election, he should probably start spell checking his campaign's literature. last week he sent out this fundraising letter, which misspelled the name of his home state with an "e" instead of an "a." where's auto check here, auto correct, when you need it?