d day susubverting d democracy a and u want to o kick back k with a l e insurrecectiano? well, then n come on intoto the ololive garden a and violentlyly overthrow your hunger. try our hearty qanon-tres, like shrimp the-election-was-a-a-scampi. militiastrone coup. and hangng mike pennene. plplus, with unlimitited brbreadsticks, you'r're going to wantnt to shout t "stop t the m" and as always, kids will have fun with our map of the capitol place mat. so visit the olive garden today. remember, when you're here, you've got an alibi. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight... a lotto stuff. first, stephen welcomes senator elizabeth warren and secretary ernest moniz. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's what i'm talking about. ♪ ♪ good to see you. good to see you. hello. hello, lovelies. hello, beautiful people. happy wednesday. that's right. thank you very much. you're very kind. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and i want to start tonight... i want to start tonight's show with a very important announcement. after much soul searching, i have decided that i am ready to accept the results of monday's powerball lotto drawing. i am not the winner, 'cause they stole it from me, and i accept that. tonight, of course, they held a drawing for $1.2 billion, and even though we taped the show before the drawing, pretty sure i won that, because i used the exact same numbers. okay, all right? and what are the odds that these numbers don't win two times in a row? you know what they say, doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of genius. speaking of gambling, the midterms are just six days away. so yesterday, president biden rallied for democrats in florida. biden loves florida because it's the only place he's considered middle-aged. of course. [applause] there you go. there you go. see ya later. of course, a biden appearance wouldn't be complete without a little mix-up. >> inflation is a worldwide problem right now because of a war in iraq and the impact on oil and what russia's doing. i mean, excuse me, the war in ukraine. >> stephen: "gas prices are high 'cause the darn redcoats are coming. that horse tried to warn us, but we didn't listen. too busy fighting the viet cong who are trying turn kuwait communist with the death star they're buildin'. that's no moon, jack. no, i'm serious. i mean, how are 300 spartans supposed to defeat a whole army? okay, come on, leonidas! no, i'm syrian, folks!" since he was in florida, it seemed like a good time to attack republican senator and dehydrated mr. clean, rick scott. scott's proposing to subject "nearly all federal spending programs to a renewal vote every five years, making medicare and social security more vulnerable to budget cuts." and there's one old man... >> [booing] >> stephen: a little late on that. there's one old man who's not going to take that. >> a senator from florida? going after medicare and social security? i tell you what, i don't know where -- as they say in southern delaware -- i don't know where y'all been. hot damn, boy. >> stephen: did he just say, "as they say in southern delaware"? you know what they say in southern delaware? "we are one mile south of northern delaware." hot damn, boy. it's not just biden. right now, both sides are making their closing arguments to voters. the g.o.p.'s argument is stop voting. they've been encouraging so-called "pollwatchers" to intimidate voters at drop boxes across the country. here are two guys in arizona a few weeks back, standing near a drop box in a phoenix suburb wearing ski masks and body armor. that outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating james bond in the alps. no surprise, voters felt intimidated, so they went to court, and yesterday, a judge ordered armed election monitors to stay 250 feet away from drop boxes. i think it's fair to say democracy's in danger when ballot boxes take out a restraining order. [applause] of course, a lot of... ballot boxes. ballot boxes. of course, a lot of these knuckleheads are motivated by by online misinformation about voting, and it's getting worse. on twitter, lies about voting machines have been a top midterm narrative, including falsely claiming the voting machines were connected to the internet. and where'd they learn that? the internet. but everyone knows you can't trust the internet. i read about it on donttrusttheinternet.net. check it out. as is tradition, there's a lot of misinformation being put out by foreign accounts, like one based in china, which tweeted a photo of someone holding paper near a purported drop box, claiming they were "paid by the dnc." this account had 26,000 followers. its name? "ultra maga bella hot babe." of course it had so many followers! the name is so catchy! thank you very much! [cheers and applause] cor blimey, guv! the body armor bros by the ballot box aren't the only maga guys playing dress-up. there's also a group who call themselves the oathkeepers who are currently on trial for their role in january 6th. they're led by insurrectionist stewart rhodes, seen... wait! where is he? all i see are trees, bushes, and two floating eyeballs. rhodes and four of his followers are facing charges of seditious conspiracy for planning to use violence to keep the ex-president in office. fun fact: they're being tried at the prettyman federal courthouse. if they appeal, it goes to the handsomeboy circuit court, then possibly all the way to the supreme cutie patooties. january 6 wasn't just about smashin' glass and hangin' pence. it was also about apps for the table. because prosecutors say that after the u.s. capitol attack, members of the oath keepers met for a late-night dinner at an olive garden. explains their new slogan: "when you're here, your family didn't hug you enough as a child." ♪ supercalifragilistic ♪ [clapping] we don't know all the specifics of the dinner, as prosecutors did not divulge the details of what the oathkeepers ate. of course they didn't. that's olive garden's other slogan. "we cannot identify what you ate." pretty sure there was cheese in there, though. pretty sure. hope that was cheese. what we do know is that the group spent $408.82. holy minestrone! over $400 of olive garden food? that's not a restaurant tab. that's the results of an autopsy. "all right, i'm calling it. 9:45, january 6. cause of death: pasta that never ended." [applause] but the oathkeepers didn't even get to enjoy the tiramisu. they started to realize that law enforcement was searching for them, so they fled the olive garden. they fled? that can't be easy to flee after droppin' $400 at the olive garden. "what? the feds are comin'! all right, ugh. let's go. ungh. i'll meet you guys. i'll catch up. i'm gonna hit the john. i'll be right there." so...huh? the question is, did i just stick it out, or am i always holding it in? i don't even know. at this point, i don't even know. the oath keepers' lawyer had an interesting spin on their family dinner, writing: "rhodes and the others left the capitol grounds and went to olive garden for dinner, because overthrowing the government was not the oath keepers' intent." so his argument is guilty people don't eat dinner after the crime? i know one guy who hasn't watched "dahmer." >> audience: oh! >> stephen: speaking -- yeah, i know! i agree! i agree! terrible! speaking of those responsible for january 6, fox news. yesterday, the fox hosts over at "outpounded" were all whipped into a froth over a new study which found that in a sample of college staff and students, petting a cat reduces their negative mood. in humans. i should say. there is nothing that can reduce your cat's negative mood. fox news saw this simple, feel-good study and reached the obvious conclusion: our children are weak and we must not spare the rod. >> this is just another example of how we are raising snowflakes. because, i mean, if you honestly can't make it in college, then just drop out. >> i don't think these kids need cats. i think they need discipline. i think they need a slap in the face. >> stephen: i agree. no, no, i agree. a slap in the face is more enjoyable than "cats." they continued the crazy. >> it's also part of the indoctrination. i mean, they are being trained, you might go in there thinking i've to get my philosophy book, i've got to get the chemistry book, and then you're told effectively by the university, no, you need a puppy. >> stephen: maybe before they get any books, they should get some glasses, because that student just walked into a pet store. kayleigh mcenany talked about her own college experience. >> i don't need to be coddling a puppy. i need my, you know, organic chemistry book if i'm in premed here. this is insanity. give me a cup of coffee, a cookie, and a stack of books and i'm set. >> stephen: wait a minute. you need a comfort cookie? with a cup of snowflake coffee? oh, i bet you studied in some sort of "safe" building that was up to code. i spent my college years outside, naked, shouting essays right up the professor's drain pipe. st. anselm of canterbury states in his ontological argument for the existence of god! ultimately, the fox hosts complained that getting to pet a dog or cat in college is just not realistic. >> no one's gonna hand you a puppy in the real world. >> stephen: i hate to say it, but she's right. they're gonna hand you two puppies! hello! hello! [high-pitched talking and singing] who makes fox news angry? you do! yes you do! we got a great show for you tonight. my guests are senator elizabeth warren and former secretary of energy, ernest moniz. but when we come back, election night is in 6 days, and sadly, you will believe who's running. >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert," sponsored by lactaid. real milk. real dus just withoho. delicious s too. just a ask my old d friend, ke. noththing like e enjoying a a ce whwhile watchihing the gama. who's wiwinning? we a are, my fririend. we a are. febreze! your bathrhroom... needs s febreze smsmall spaces. the always-on, odor-fighting air freshener you set and forget. no outlets used, no batteries needed, no effffort requirire. soso your baththroom stayss contininuously freresh fofor 45 days.s. that's's the powerer of febreze smsmall spaceses. 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