it landed on "cheese news." ( cheers and applause ) ding, ding, ding? >> ding, ding, ding, ding! ( laughter ) >> stephen: the latest hard or even semisoft news about curdled dairy. this week, a shocking discovery from the parmesan wars, because the u.s.d.a. revealed that some cheese suppliers of grated parmesan cheese have been adding wood pulp. that's right. ( audience reacts ) that's what i said. it turns out, your parmesan has been sporting wood. now they explain this wood pulp is just cellulose which is used and sure, i'm sure you're saying, "a little anti-clumping agent never hurt anyone." but it turns out, it is a lot of it. a sample of parmesan from one grocery chain was 8.8% wood pulp. but on the plus side, your lasagna is as sturdy as an ikea bookshelf. ( laughter ) now personally, i am outraged by this breach of trust. i don't check on what goes into my mouth, but i have always assumed that someone does. now! ( laughter ) more news! more news! okay. why don't you spin it, you spin it. hold on. hold on, ready? you spin it. do you have anything i can pull as the lever? gi

and, oh, it lands on "mental health." >> ding, ding, ding, ding!ughter ) >> stephen: okay, great. mental health is a topic that is not covered enough in our media, and it is important to take a moment to shine a light on it. a beautiful light like... the interior ambient lighting molded into the 2016 mini clubman doors! ( cheers and applause ) and that's it-- that's it for "mental health." let's spin again! >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick! ( cheers and applause ) >> tick... tick... tick... >> stephen: "a recent study!" according to a recent study, people who are significantly overweight may perceive distances as being greater than they actually are. which explains the old joke "yo mamma is so fat, her depth perception is wildly inaccurate." ( laughter ) and let's spin again! ( cheers and applause ) >> tick, tick, tick... >> stephen: "clip without context!" jim? ( hillary barking ) let's spin again! let's spin again! i will love you forever for being with me at this moment. which one is this one? "switchb

(cash rester dinging) (audience laughs (aududnce laughs) (audnclaugug (cash registst dinging) (audience laughs) udnce ding) ghghr is pbpbsic)c)gold bond rough h gold bond rough bubuy skinhepypypa used daiai, it exfoliates, smooes, softenen reces mps 72 percent. goond. timaotio timatekin. seefullll t t soodandruff figigers s th prototnsnd vitaminsn for fuller, thicker lookininhair. new selsun bluee full & &hickombaba anll havavyou tried d gut of ticket / byiving the e p a sob stor well, when these gs try , they get a llittle more sympathy than thehergained for. get ouur hkies (audienahshs nce lala) (w(wpivi (audience laughs)) (crying) (audiencncncughs) (a(aie (aience applauding at's ourhow. anor watg seyonee. (upbeat c)

>> um -- [ ding ] [ laughter ] >> that was good. that was good. go stegs! [ laughter ]tegs. >> no, i do. >> jimmy: you do use a loofah? >> yeah. a loofah. >> jimmy: no. i have.w, because a a loofah's for cleansing, right? for getting -- you know, getting yourself clear of things and, you know, i think -- [ laughter ] for me prune juice just does that the best. [ ding ] [ laughter ]s the trick for me. [ cheers and applause ] it gets all -- it gets everything out. >> jimmy: gets everything out. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: all the bits and bobs and nuts and bolts and fruity [ ding ] [ laughter and applause ] >> can't get it all. >> jimmy: i know. yeah, yeah, yeah. no, i've heard that. i've heard that.lot of -- >> yeah, but when you're in the shower and stuff, the hair is really difficult. [ laughter ] hair's a difficult thing, you stand-up? [ laughter ] >> guys, i got a type five over here for you. >> jimmy: when you're in the shower, hair is a difficult thing.t thing, you know, because this is a new haircut. last week i'm sure you know i was sporting pigtails fo

dinghy. [ ding ] [ laughter and applause ] oh, that's great. smooth -- smooth conversation about john krasinski! go see him in "dry powder" at the public theater now through may 1st. stick around, we'll be right back with melissa benoist, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] at straight talk wireless... ...we believe your tax refund should last. all. year. long. don't waste it on a pricey wireless plan. lose the contracts, mystery fees and overages. switch to straight talk... ...to get coverage on america's largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. for half the cost. that's right. half. get any of the latest samsung phones or bring your own phone. unlimited talk, text and data is 45 bucks a month. and nothing more. find out more at get 30% off every guest every ship in the caribbean but hurry, this offer won't last long come seek the royal caribbean book today at 1-800-royalcaribbean. never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting only those who dare drive the world forward. introducing the first-ever [ cheers and applause ] >

>> "q": ding ding ding ding ding. >> laura: couldn't resist. what about what does the fox steal? the answer -- we have video to prove it -- is your wallet. take a look. watch as this fox lift man's' wallet right out of his golf bag. chris hairgrave said it occurred at a country club in ireland. the golfer chased the fox down. luckily got his wallet back . that cash. >> jon: it's leather. animal -- you know. >> jon: trying to find the logic in this. meteorologist. >> jon: let's look at the seven day that includes mid 40s, a set the clocks ahead saturday night. rain on sunday, monday, tuesday dry, another risk of rain on thursday. we will alert you on sunday monday and tuesday. >> "q": well thank you for joining us. next. >> laura: join us for news at 4:00. have great weekend. on tuesday, march 15th, ohio voters will get to cast their ballots in our first winner-take-all presidential primary. last year, the legislature voted to move our primary back a week and give all the delegates to the winner instead of parsing them out proportionally. that probably did not go presidential cont

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! don't take my flag, man! [ laughter ] nonetheless, republican elites are seriously considering a plan mass chaos at the convention. on the other hand, they're facing a prospect of a backlash from voters opposed to trump. according to exit polls of gop voters last night, 39% said theyriy t candidatnd hla reheins d cruciwi esohlo e geneeltion io and f i nninhe bacheho upthntasy iotppen [ hter tha n' apeont happug so if rebl t hoto sinatn rumpthquon bom who ty handt ? wh's t cruz, whose haabnt, d toh, n himeas alth iyo t judge amouf cotihat came dowat his ctoreewo whe mth ctoat rmart. netate.ht ast te op it al d weth e. dosaome eendpp stl, atrfa veulbe, insen styl, caka h s ain s stfolknohis jcr h this ny. geh-man.ok, is o iali t. et ijoicome mpns [ ht >> oh, this is bad. this is really b. you work and you slave and you steal just enough for a sweet look at that shiny brass ring. don't i get a lick? doesn't gil get a lick? [ laughter ] >> seth: now, compare kasich's victory speech to trump's, which was held in h

it landed on n neese news." ( cheers a a alause )dingngding, ding? >> ding, din ding, ding! ( ht )) >> stephenenthe latest hard or evev semisofnews aboutdled dairy. from the parmesan warsbecause the e e d.a. revealed dhat some eeseupiers of grateded parmesan cheeshahahaeen adding wood pulul thth's right. audience reaeass) that's what said. it tns, yourarmesan has been@nporting wood. w they expxpin this s od pp is jt cellulule which is usese n anti-clumpinagent. and sususui'm m re you're sayiyi, "a little an-clululug ent never huhu anynye." buit turns out, it is s s of . a samplef paesan froroone ocerain was 8.8% wood pulp. bpbpbpbphe p ps s de, your sagng as sturdy as an i ia bookshf. ((lalaer )) now pepeonally, am outragegeby isreach of tst. i docheck on wt goes i mymyou, but i have always assumed thth someone ds. now! more new okay. why don't t@u spinint, you spin itit hold on. hold on, ready? u sp it. do have anytytng i can pulul as the lev? give myour other hand. ypu spqn it with thand, give me your r her handnd okay, , ady? >>>>ick,k, tick, tick! >> steph: : : oh, oh! o

what does the fox say ding ding ding ding ding ding now at havertys furniture, it's our spring home event, where you can create the perfect home. from now until march twenty-first... you'll find huge savings on stylish pieces, plus you'll save an extra one hundred dollars, on every thousand you spend. and, we're offering twenty-four month, no interest financing. come in today for storewide savings. with havertys, your home can be perfect. even when life isn't. [thwack] the spring home event. from classic to contemporary, you've likely seen that very popular youtube video... it's been viewed more than 584-million times. but now, a new video is going viral... that actually answers the question.. what does a fox say... nats man laughing, fox laughing that's archer. rescued the arctic fox when he was young. he's now four years old and laughs on command... archer's owner says that's his when he's sleepy. adlib 4shot frank marzullo joining us now with a look at your forecast the wind has finally died down across the region. today, sunny skies will prevail as temperatures reach the upper 50s. ev

( ding-ding ) >> larry: okay, time is up.greed to pay every black person reparations >> i did not do that. >> larry: rory, i think you're the winner. >> i felt like i crushed it. not going to lie, though, a little scared of mike right now. >> larry: this has been another pointless episode of "pardon the integration." mike yard and rory albanese, everybody! we'll be right back. hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. well, i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest. okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii.

( ding-ding ) >> larry: okay, time is up.eed to pay every black person reparations >> i did not do that. >> larry: rory, i think you're the winner. >> i felt like i crushed it. not going to lie, though, a little scared of mike right now. >> larry: this has been another pointless episode of "pardon the integration." mike yard and rory albanese, everybody! we'll be right back. getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!-we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data. get three lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us. hurry, only at t-mobile. and they're off! should we tell them there are more? they'll figure it out, eventually. we need to be ready for my name's scott strenfel and r i'm a meteorologist at pg&e. we make sure

( ding-ding ) >> larry: okay, time is up.st agreed to pay every black person reparations >> i did not do that. >> larry: rory, i think you're the winner. >> i felt like i crushed it. not going to lie, though, a little scared of mike right now. >> larry: this has been another pointless episode of "pardon the integration." mike yard and rory albanese, everybody! we'll be right back. life as spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand when they switch to progressive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama. great guy. terrible player. ♪ go paperless ♪ don't stress, girl ♪ i got the discounts that you need ♪ it's a balancing act, but i got to give the people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. [ applause ] the what?! [ laughs ] we're always looking for ways to speed up your car insurance search. here's the latest. problem is, we haven't figured out how to reverse it. for now, just log on to compare.com... plug in s

[dings bell] just like here. anybody got a pack... that needs leadin'?erving all your motorcycle insurance needs. now, that's progressive. break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. they carry your fans' passions, shouhopes, and dreamscarry pads. and maybe, a chance at greatness... because shoulders were made for greatness. not dandruff (cheers and applause) >> larry: welcome back. as the g.o.p. tears itself apart in this election season, conservatives joined together on friday to pay tribute to their spiritual matriarch -- no, not the patron elephant goddess of the second amendment. i'm talking about former first lady nancy reagan... yet at mrs. reagan's funeral, a different former flotus got in trouble for making this comment about h.i.v. aids. >> it may be hard for your viewers to remember how difficult it was for people to talk about h.i.v. aids back in the 1980s. and because of both president and mrs. reagan, in particular mrs. reagan, we started a national conversation, when before, nobody talked about it. >> larry: it ma

ding! hot pockets! >> trevor: welcome back.riters and stars of comedy central's broad city. >> i need to you find and kill this rat bas tard. >> it's me. >> come in. >> oh my god, did you know that you can like swipe left on tinder and that means you're not into the guy. i thought you had to meet up with every. >> what is happening in here. >> the cat is out of the bag. >>-- was not easy to remove from the bodegga but i have a [bleep] and i need it back up. >> please welcome ilana glazer and abbi jacobson. (cheers and applause) welcome. >> thank you. thank you so much. thank you for being here. >> thank you for having us. >> trevor: you guys look really glammed up. >> glam squad. >> yeah, we look good. >> glam squad. >> trevor: first of all, can we start off the topment i love broad city so much it is one of the funniest shows i have ever seen. it's so-- i think a lot of the success has been the fact that it is so different. that you set out to make it different or are you just different? (laughter) that sounded neglect tifer a

[ ding ] [ cheers and applause ] bam!t back. all right. round three right here. >> okay. >> jimmy: let's hear the question. >> okay. >> name something you bring home from spring break. [ buzzer ] >> homework? [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] ♪ >> jimmy: the worst spring break ever! [ laughter ] homework? oh, my god. we were up all night last night doing homework! it was crazy. survey says -- homework? >> oh, my god. [ buzzer ] [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: things you bring home -- uh, crabs. [ laughter ] [ ding ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i meant -- i meant the -- i meant the seafood. i spring break in maine. i meant the seafood because i spring break in maine. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: let's see the other answers. >> this is way too revealing. >> jimmy: sun burn. >> okay. >> jimmy: and weird photos, okay. >> okay. >> jimmy: okay, here we go. yeah, weird photos. all right. it's time for the final round. this is for everything. this is 5,000 points. [ laughter ] you're the best at playing this. let's hear the question. >> what's a

[ dings ] [ dings ] well -- >> who gets a vacation for valentine's day? jimmy: "prince of dubai, hooked me up." yeah, absolutely. all right, here we go. all right, right now, this is how fast "fast family feud" is. it's time for the final round, okay? this is for all the marbles. here we go. let's hear the question. >> name the first thing you do after waking up in the morning. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: shave. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] why would i say shave? >> checking your phone. [ dings ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh, my gosh! you are a genius. you are like a genius. you are like a genius. oh, i love her, right there. lilly singh is the winner, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] that's the fastest "fast family feud" ever. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with music from st. lucia, everybody. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we got another one. i have an orc-o-gram for an "owen." that's me. ♪ you should hire stacy drew. ♪ ♪ she wants to change the world with you. ♪ ♪ she can program jet engines to talk and such. ♪ ♪ her biggest weak

ding! hot pockets! are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream.ey're magically delicious. >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. let's turn to last night's republican primaries where the big winner was once again donald trump. and that makes me so happy because you never know what is going to happen when trump get gives a talk. for instance last night in his victory speech ended up with a secret service agent guarding a table of wine 57bd steak. that is a real thing that happened last night. secret service agent was guarding food. so how did we get here? well, it started when 2012 republican presidential nominee a really nee gave a speech last week pointing out some of trump's embarrassing business failures. and that lead to the bis,-- best, classiest infomercial ever. >> mitt romney got up and made a speech the other day. he said the steak company, and we have trump steaks, and by the way, you want to take one, we will charge you about what, $50 a steak. we sell water and we are have water, and it's a very successful, you know, it's a private

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! don't take my flag, man! [ laughter ] elites are seriously considering a plan to topple trump that could cause mass chaos at the convention. on the other hand, they're facing a prospect of a backlash from voters opposed to trump.t polls of gop voters last night, 39% said they would seriously consider supporting a third party candidate. if trump and hillary clinton s including 43%, and 39% in the crucial swing states of ohio and florida. without ohio and florida is like winning "the bachelor" without suite, it's just not going to happen. [ laughter ] it's not going to happen. i don't care about your personality, it's not going to happen. [ laughter ]republicans do try somehow to steal the nomination from trump, the question becomes who do they hand it to? whether it's ted cruz, whose hated by the establishment, and n kasich, who won his home state of ohio last night. although if you were going to judge just from the amount of confetti that came down at his victory speech, you would think onth customer at a sup

ding, second floor. ding, third floor." [ laughter ] "ding, fourth floor. mm. ding, fifth floor. oh, yeah." my buddy asked me, "how far are you going up?" i said, "all the way." [ laughter ] yeah. but no, it's awesome, man. it was really cool. last time i was here i got a a chance to meet arnold schwarzenegger. it was like one of the greatest moments for me. i know some of you are like, "well, we didn't like him as a a politician." i didn't either. i didn't know he was a body builder back in the day. i just knew him as the terminator. and for me it was awesome. they were having a red carpet event around the corner and i'm standing there with a friend of mine who is a publicist. and i freaked out. i'm like -- "schwarzenegger, schwarzenegger!" she said, "relax. you've never met him?" "no!" "would you like to? i know him." i went, "yes!" so she takes me by the hand and walks me over to arnold. and i'm geeking out so bad. i feel like a big ass toddler. you know? [ laughter ] we get over to arnold's area. and it's so funny -- he's arnold schwarzenegger, he's already got a big mob of p

synthesized saxophone playing) ♪ (blipping) (blipping) (synthesized horn honks) (tires screech) (bell dings

sfx: clap, clap, ding this is "jeopardy!"today's contestants -- a pathologist from buffalo, new york... a graduate student from long beach, california... and our returning champion, an author from atlanta, georgia... whose 1-day cash winnings total... and now here is the host of "jeopardy!" -- alex trebek! [ cheers and applause ] thank you, johnny. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. well, as you just heard, david, our returning champion, won a lot of money -- $27,000 at the end of last week. not only is he a good writer, he's obviously a good reader. and he remembers what he has read. tyler and brigid, good to have you with us today. and good luck to all three of you. let's go to work now in the jeopardy! round, shall we? and today we have these categories... followed by... r-t-h -- those three letters coming up at the end of each correct response. david, off you go. let's start with animated tv for $400, please. tyler. what is "the fairly oddparents"? right. let's go leap day, $200. david. what is the panama canal? right you a