donald trump in iowa. the last time a latino pulled ahead of trump, trump had his tires slashed. you remember that. i'm not making this up. and after ted cruz surges in the polls, donald trump calls cruz, quote, a little bit of a maniac. don'tno in the market for a maniac, trump is still your guy. this is "the nightly show"! let's do it! captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. such a fun show. thanks for tuning in tonight. i have to say, as the nationwide debate over affirmative action heads to the supreme court, there's one person in our nation's capital who wants to make sure black students are going to college. >> ♪ >> whew! [cheers and applause] >> man. the first lady is rapping! this is conservative america's worst nightmare, you guys! now i know this video may seem like a somewhat lame attempt to push obama's education agenda, but it's actually serving a much greater agenda that obama has before he leaves office -- scoring the [bleep] out of fox news viewers. think about it. this is obama's way of trolling every red state hater who feared that a black president would turn 1600 pennsylvania avenue into w 106 and park. now, we've called this obama don't care on our show. really, all right? he's rolling out as much black as he can during his last year of office, right? you know, stuff like dropping the n-word during podcasts, singing "amazing grace" in a black church, right? letting black prisoners out of jail. even said, "folks wanna pop off" in a speech about terrorism. and now he's got bae spitting rhymes about higher education. at this rate, by next summer, they'll be playing dominoes on the white house lawn and blasting music so loud that the neighbors at 1603 pennsylvania avenue call the cops. it's going to happen, it's going to happen. that's my prediction for 2016. now, of course, flotus impeccable flow wasn't the only political surprise last week. so now that we've caught up on how obama is blackening the white house, let's catch up on who's trying to unblacken it. >> big shakeup as gop candidates get set to face off tomorrow night in a crucial debate. ted cruz is surging in the polls. >> one of the iowa polls show senator cruz with a 10-point lead. >> ted cruz? what the -- wait. there must be something wrong with this prompter. wait. let me check with our director. dre. >> yeah, larry? >> this is our director dre, everybody. is our equipment broken? it says here ted cruz is surging in the polls. >> yeah, yeah. it's not the equipment, larry. i think the news is broken. >> oh, okay. thanks, dre. thanks. there you have it. all right. what's going on in iowa, guys? first you couldn't get enough of black droopy the dog, twin-separating stabbypants, right? and now it's this guy? i mean, have you heard him speak 12speak? last week as the world came teeing enact limits on global carbon emissions, ted cruz hosted a senate subcommittee hearing on climate change that was significantly less helpful. >> according to the satellite data there has been no significant global warming for the past 18 years. those are the data. the global warming alarmists don't like these data. they are inconvenient to their narrative, but facts and evidence matters. >> no significant data? okay. hey, siri, what's the temperature today in new york city? december 14th, almost winter. >> hot as [bleep], larry. >> sorry, guys. i had that set to cedric, not siri. you know, always read that apple thing. now, look, i know today's weather is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but ted cruz is wrong. the planet is getting warmer. stop it. and you can't say, "facts and evidence matters" in your climate denial speech. that's like having an affair with the babysitter and in the middle of something vehicles you whisper to her, "monogamy is very important to me." something's just off about this guy, though. even behind the scenes. listen to his strategy for daily with trump and carson's attacks. >> my approach has been to bear hug both of them and smother them with love. >> hmm. smother them with love? are you talking about affection or murder? my approach has been to strangle them with respect, and then mutilate their corpses with goodwill. and then stab them in the heart the way jesus would have done. something's just awkward about him. like when he tries to be relatable, and use humor, it comes off like this. >> of course, in texas we cook bacon a little differently than most folks. machine gun bacon. >> wow. do you know how small your dick has to be to do something like that? i don't know, guys. i don't know. he's just creepy. you know, it's his whole vibe, right? i tell you what, to help me understand this, here political consultant madam lafontaine. thanks for coming to the show. >> actually, larry, i'm a medium. >> oh, medium. >> yes. >> i'm sorry, i really wanted someone who understands politics. you know, who can help me understand where why cruz seems so cruz. >> that's why you need a medium, larry. cruz seems so creepy because the gop is haunted. >> haunted? >> oh, yes, larry. the gop has spent so many years invoking the name of reagan and trying to summon up his spirit, that they accidentally opened up an evil portal to hell. >> oh, my god! oh! an evil portal? >> yes. it was out of this portal that the demons were released! >> oh, wait. so this is all the fault of saying reagan's name all the time? >> yes. it's like saying beetlejuice too many times. >> oh, i get it, i get it. okay. well, madame, i glad you came. how can we tell if someone is possessed by one of these demons? >> you can tell them by their word. >> okay. >> they say things like climate change is a hoax. >> oh. >> planned parenthood is selling baby body parts. >> oh, my god. >> and guns don't kill people. blah, blah, blah. you know the rest of that [bleep]. >> so the reason why cruz seems creepy is because he's possessed by an evil republican demon? >> yes. what human in his right mind would try to make bacon on a gun? >> that's a fair point. fair point. i never thought of it like that. oh, wow. so i guess trump's possessed by a republican demon, too. that explains everything. >> no. he's just an asshole. >> oh. that makes sense. >> even the demons think so. they won't go near him. >> wow. thank you so much for your help. >> you're welcome. that will be $1500. >> $1500? >> yes. leopard capes don't grow on trees! lightning! >> oh, my gosh. madam lafontaine, everybody. we'll be right back! i'm not going to let being stuck in a chimney stop me from telling you all about my five dollar fill up. with a hundred percent white meat popcorn chicken, my signature finger lickin' good sauce, and a festive bounty of sides. it's finger lickin' good. when you're born in millions of years to form, you're inspired to cold-age your beer... ...which, thankfully, takes less than a million years. coors light. born in the rockies. happy holidays! switch to cricket wireless and for a limited time, choose from four smartphones, now free after mail-in rebate cricket visa promotion card. and get more 4g lte coverage nationwide than t-mobile or sprint. woohoo! only from the merrier carrier. cricket wireless. something to smile about. we need to be ready for my name's scott strenfel and r i'm a meteorologist at pg&e. we make sure that our crews as well as our customers are prepared to how weather may impact their energy. so every single day we're monitoring the weather, and when storm events arise our forecast get crews out ahead of the storm to minimize any outages. during storm season we want our customers to be ready and stay safe. learn how you can be prepared at pge.com/beprepared. together, we're building a better california. >> welcome back to the show. remember this past july when south carolina finally removed the confederate flag from the statehouse grounds? you remember that. i wonder how things are going down. >> republican chris corley sent this christmas card to fellow lawmakers, showing the flag at the statehouse before its removal in july which corley opposed. on the back, it says "may you take the joyous time to ask for forgiveness for all your sins, such as betrayal." >> betrayal? you lost the war 150 years ago. time to get over it. just get over it! keep in mind, this is an elected south carolina lawmaker putting the confederate flag on his christmas card. i don't even understand this kind of thing. maybe it's time to check in with the southern gentlemen. they're discussing the pros and pros of confederate christmas cards. >> it's time once again to discuss our 2015 christmas card design. and, first of all, what do you think of representative corley's design? >> very handsome card. >> you know that there is a fine, and dare i say, appropriate seasonal greeting. >> when i see that card, i see the 13 stars of bethlehem. >> there's nothing not to like about this card. >> are you kidding me? i thought we took this thing down in july. >> we'll wake you up for your second breakfast later. >> what the hills going on? >> we have to remember christmas is designed to harken back to a simpler time, maybe a time when our confederacy was a more perfect union. >> i thought it was meant to harken back to jesus. >> hold on. be fair, be fair. >> i do believe my suggested christmas card design will answer all of your concerns. please enjoy my card. >> oh, that's a fair compromise. >> what? >> i love how you simply removed the offensive capital. we can all agree it's in state of disrepair. >> that's what we're talking. >> ever since we began to pay manual labor, i noticed the decline in the standard of work. >> that was a bad dream. >> gentlemen, i just have to sa- there's nothing not to like about that card. >> you've got be [bleep] kidding me? >> will you please refrain from using your yankee and northern expressions in this chamber? >> gentlemen, i believe i found a compromise that should avoid any sort of conflict. i chose to focus on family this year. >> oh, my god! >> you're absolutely rights, sir. oh, my god, that's a beautiful family. >> [bleep]. >> that's barbecue language, not meeting language. hold on. give him a minute. he'll snore through it. there you go. >> oh, those southern gentlemen, they are so wrong, but they're they are so wrong, but they're so, gosh, darned ge other wireless carriers make families share data. some way to say happy holidays. switch to t-mobile now and get up to 4 lines with up to 6gb each. just $30 bucks a line, that's 6gb each plus unlimited video streaming with binge on™. stream netlfix, hbo now , hulu and more without using your data. and now unwrap the samsung galaxy s6 for $0 upfront and just $10 bucks a month. this year tear into the holidays with t-mobile. >> welcome back. first up, "nightly show" contributor jordan carlos, "nightly show" contributor mike yard, and very funny comedian aida rodriguez joins us. and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the #tonightly. with ted cruz i'm baffled. with carson, i get it, he had to be smart. he's a brain surgeon. even though it seems like he might have removed some of his own brain. and trump as a businessman handles beefs, and doesn't care about political correctness. i get that too. but please help me to understand this ted cruz surge. >> he's the flavor of the month. >> that's a pretty unsavory flavor. >> we'll try them all before this campaign is over. i think i read somewhere that he was drafting off of trump. that it was like -- they made this nascar analogy, and being black and a nerd, i didn't get it at all. i guess that's what's happening. >> using his wind, i guess. >> yes. >> i can't call it, man. if i knew what was going on, i would stop it. i would stop it. >> you would stop it? >> stop it. i'm starting to think it's one big elaborate episode of "punked." i'm waiting for ashton kuchar to pop out and say, "america, you've been punked!" i could handle that. i could handle that. >> do you think it's the second amendment people, because he's about guns, guns, or -- >> it's about somebody who wants to shoot somebody, kill them, ask for forgiveness, and go about their business the next day. >> i think people supporting ted cruz is people that say if jesus had a gun the crucifixion would have went differently. >> yes, yes. >> it's true, i know, exactly. can you imagine that? then there bea there wouldn't ba religion. >> and we'd be free. what would jesus do? >> cruz is against abortion, same-sex marriage. he's definitely against that. he wants to repeal obamacare, and do away with the irs. he doesn't believe in global warming. and he loves guns cruz is not kidding around. >> he'll do everything the kkk does, every single thing they do he'll do. absolutely. no global warming? come on, son, really? >> i don't know if the kkk is interested in climate change. >> they don't know what climate change is, but if black people like it they hate it. >> they don't want the racial climate to change. i would say that ted cruz, right, i feel ted cruz is a lot more organized than donaldmp. donald trump just gets up -- like he's your drunk uncle at a wedding, you know, always interrupting himself even though he has all this time. i want to say right now -- oh, another thing. hey, stand up. he never finishes a sentence. >> never, never. >> he's a reality star. he said 6 million people over the age of 112 are ruining social security. there's three or four? >> "6 million people" came out of his mouth. >> yes, and it's dragging down social security. >> who says this? >> donald trump. >> 6 million people that are 112? >> yes. he said that. >> this is a whole new group of people we need to go after. >> there's like six of them. five of them are black, and they all read "ebony" magazine. >> 6 million people over the age of 112? are you out of your frigging mind? >> who are you supporting, america? >> does cruz have latino appeal, do you think? >> the ones that hate themselves. >> the ones that hate themselves? >> yes, absolutely. you have to understand i'm from miami, florid
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