douche bag. it's been saying that ever since i got in -- loud. i don't know where it could have got it from. [ telephone rings ] 15th squad, sergeant gibson. douche bag. uh, nothing... douche bagag that was nothing. uh-huh. thanks, inspector. d.o.a. 488 forsyth. i'll call the others. -- boyce and debrovsky. they probably sat in here all night chanting it. crime victims on the worst day of their life, giving statements of items stolen from their home or descriptions of loved ones that went missing or worse. if they've got to be called douche bag by a bird, you don't think we'll get complaints? you know, the voice of that sounds an awful lot like you, sipowicz. all right, now you're getting paranoid. helen stoles -- apparent suicide. a young girl. hate to see that. who found her? super. her boss stopped by off her missing two days of work. where's the e ss? i got his statement and kicked him. you kicked him? yeye. [ sighs ] where'd she work? st. luke's hospital, nightshift, clerical job. boss say she'd been depressed lately? he hadn't noticed, but

the douche bag with the gun, if i ran into him in the subway, i bet i could spot him. we s suld get you with a sketch artist. you mind coming back in? well, i'd like to try and get some sleep, if i could. although, i-i'm so worked up about this. how about we call you at noon, mr. galasso? have you come b bk for a sketch. did you have any brothers disappear at birth? what do you mean? bobby, uh-- [ clears throat ] i'd like to catch a nap myself - before day tour gets in. - you going upstairs? yeah. get on this thing fresh. i'm sick of these guys making us look like jerks. and they're willing to use that gun now. ything would have penetrated that head? r [ sighs ] son of a bitch. excuse me. i'm looking for either detective simone or sipowicz. ah, that's detective simone. thanks. detective. hi. i'm eddie hazel, midtown south. how you doing? bobby simone. are you working on a bar robbery 10:00 last night, sports bar on east 38th street's held up. could be the same perps. so, you wanna compare notes? yeah, sure. let's go into the coffee room. okay. tell me your name again.

he's giving up this douche bag. o.c.c.b.'s gonna take all the credit in this, and my hand's on my joint. if this guy doesn't work with you, what are you gonna do? live in switzerland? i'm getting crocked, and i'm making my play. hey, tube steak! get over here. you hear it once. we collared up on your pal, jimmy liery. very tough guy. took 14 seconds to stick the pin in your donkey-ass for those ak-47's... and the fun coming up at the airport. ignorant as you look, liery's probably got another partner... no. no, huh? two donkeys but only one rat? i don't know what you're talking about. are you happy now? sure. perfect. 'cause if you had half a brain, i'd have half a chance at a career. - so, you guys are cops, huh? - [scoffs] give me a bottle of scotch. dump on my play and break my balls? i don't know any jimmy liery. well, he knows you, pal, and he turned you over good. oh, man. do what you gotta do. we going, or you want to wring your hand some more? you're a pain in the ass. must be why i never get promoted. [door opens] i

the occulttheu while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likelyyou a douche bage anybody who thinks they are actually a vampirehey is freaking retarded.is fi [cheers and applause] app [cheers and applause] come >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, thank you so much for tuning in. welcome to the daily show, and to the first day of the rest of your lives. i'm trevor noah. tonight's guest, buzzfeed's d.c. bureau chief john stanton is joining us, here to discuss the 18 cat photo-- the eightteen cat photos that will make you forget the election. let's get right into it. if this morning you woke up from a coma, you might want to go back. >> the most stunning upset, trump. >> donald trump will be the next president of the united states. (laughter). >> trevor: you know what, no matter how many times i hear that, it still doesn't seem real. it still doesn't feel real. i mean look at-- the newspaper, today. look at that. look at that. it looks--

. >> [ bleep ] douche bag! [ bleep ] . >> desiree says they declined to take action.dent is not an abduction but a miss hounderstag over a paid service. desiree sends her video to the rideshare company and they fire the driver. although most rideshares work out fine, it's important to be aware. remember the following split-second tips. call 911. pin and share your location on your cell phone. don't try to physically interfere with the driver. keep a nearby window open. and exit the vehicle the moment the car stops. >> just reliving that scary situation is tough. just thinking that it could have gone completely wrong. and i'm tearing up, i'm sorry. you just never know. just looking back at it, scary. i'm just thankful that i'm here and i'm thankful that nothing worse came from it. >>> arrested by a s.w.a.t. team, an out-of-control young inmate creates chaos in the jail's booking department. >> the love and the truth and the peace and the -- >> i need medical clearance and an ekg. >> aah! aah! >> mental health staff must determine if his behavior is a