you are a funny dude.g ♪ any, any, any ♪ five, five dollar ♪ five-dollar footlong ♪ any, any, any ♪ you c-c-can't go wrong even the zesterrific italian bmt... and dee-licious subway club are now $5 footlong subs. any regular footlong sub for just $5 -- hurry in! this offer won't last. ♪ at subway ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our next guests recently debuted at number one on the billboard album charts -- [ cheers and applause ] -- with their second album "contra." they're here tonight to perform the song "holiday." please welcome vampire weekend! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ holiday, oh, a holiday and the best one of the year ♪ ♪ don't nap underneath my sheets while i cover both my ears ♪ ♪ so if i wait for a holiday could it stop my fears ♪ ♪ to go away on a summer's day never seemed so clear ♪ ♪ ♪ holiday seems so far away a republic on the beach ♪ ♪ i can't forget just how bad it gets when i'm counting on my teeth ♪ ♪ but if i wait for a holiday could it stop my fears ♪ ♪ t

global warming isn't leveling the forests, it's english dudes.bout it's one george michael with a very quick -- >> it raises a good point. in the article they don't mention whether it's straight or gay but i don't see straight women going into the forest and ruining their shoes. it's all george michael and other gay men. >> only men meet in the forest. >> you can go in the forest and meet george michael but you cannot meet madonna or an average attractive woman. >> itle you what, straight men, because gay men wouldn't ruin their shoes, either. >> who are the getting together with? >> oh! >> got to move on. tucker, you got to run. you got to do hannity. i'm glad you were here briefly. >> coming up, me stumbling home drunk. first, what's in the news? this thing on youtube. we have the geniuses behind it next. ♪ >>> all rise for the guitar of liberty, and the founding fathers he brought before us. now thou shalt rock. >> you shall build a turbo fence. ♪ ♪ >> that's the greatest thing ever. very topical. but there's a gregory brothers could name a co

. >> hey, dude. hey, bubba. >> hey, mama, what are you doing? >> nothing. just got done talking to misty. she wants me to talk to leonard and tell him to get you all out. she's real upset. you know what today is, don't you in. >> i know what today is. >> she's real upset up in there. >> i wish they'd let me see her, man. i miss my sister. i love her. >> i don't care if nancy grace and news and everybody else knows what we're talking about because i know my kids are innocent. >> i had nothing to do with none of that crap. i'm put in the middle of it because of sorry ass detectives. >> yep, that's all it is. fishing and fishing. if they'd get -- >> she's going to be locked up when she's 18. they told me that out of their own mouth. >> that's exactly what they've done. >> i talked to a dude in here a day. he was putnam county jail a while back. remember what ronald told us about the mexicans? i didn't say nothing to him about it. he said he heard from somebody in the putnam county jail that the mexicans out of crescent city had her. >> that's why i think misty

dude. dude: a term used by surfers and skaters to refer to one another.o, man... [ male announcer ] find the cure at bing.com. it's not just a search engine; it's bing, the decision engine from microsoft. [ bing! ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everyone. and thank you so much for watching our show. i appreciate it. everyone, i'm so excited. coming up is my favorite game. this game is amazing. if you like carpets and you like samples, you're going to love this. the game we call "wheel of carpet samples." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at this beautiful wheel, so many carpet samples. let's give it up for tonight's lucky contestants. come on over, you guys! [ cheers and applause ] how does it feel to be contestants on "wheel of carpet samples," the only game show on tv called "wheel of carpet samples?" [ light laughter ] >> great. >> jimmy: phenomenal, feels good, yeah. good. now, in case, if you don't the rules, here's a quick refresher on this wheel we have dozens of carpet samples, only the best varieties, of course. we have

i was counting them and i said, dude, that's only 24 right there. >> it's a good thing you looked. otherwise you would have gotten only 24. damn well you looked. >> he was dropping them. >> how many does he have left? that was it or what? >> i don't know. >> well, we don't want to [ bleep ] with him no more, anyway. he don't do good business. that's the end of that. she'll get them. she'll get them for you. i mean, right now you just got [ bleep ] there for a minute, but she'll get them. >> like i told her earlier i'll just give you all a call when i'm done out there and start heading this way, and we'll see what's up at that point. >> all right. >> yeah. if i can't, i mean, i don't know if you do roxies or whatever, i can get them but they're expensive. >> yes. >> back to art harris, investigative journalist. art, what do you make of it? >> nancy, what i make of it is that these undercover tapes correspond to the police reports that have them nailed dead to right on drugs. misty's lawyer is hoping that she has something he can use to cut her a deal to lower those years that she's

dudes will be dudes and according to some lady who says things -- i think i adopted greg's style. this doctor who is a special cnn correspondent says the biggest difference between the male and the female brain is that the men have, quote, a sexual pursuit area two and-a-half times larger than the one in the women's brain and it starts in their teen, guys produce a ton of testosterone n. bill's case, buckets. as she put its, all the testosterone drives the men into a man trance. the glazed-eye look a man get when is he sees breasts. >> why are you looking at me? >> just gazing. you can't blame me, i was born this way. >> you have had boyfriends that stared at other girls and do you think now, i shouldn't have beened mad? >> that's justification. i look at other guys, but i don't leer at them when i am with my boyfriend -- or husband -- or husbands. [chuckles] >> it's disrespectful and silly. this is not an innate thing. jill, you're married. there are attractive men out there. do you stare at other men? >> she's not married by the way. >> my problem is this: whenever an attractive

dude. dude: a term used by surfers and skaters to refer to one another.le announcer ] find the cure at bing.com. it's not just a search engine; it's bing, the decision engine from microsoft. [ bing! ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey. welcome back, you guys. thank you so much for watching. happy friday. i hope you guys are ready. it's time for battle of the instant bands. ♪ >> jimmy: so as they said before the show, we went through our audience and grabbed a bunch of people who said they were musicians. let's give them a hand. there you go, right there. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the show, you guys. you guys had no idea you were going to be playing tonight at all. >> no. we were lucky to get tickets. >> jimmy: this is cool. why don't you start over here and tell me your name and where you're from. >> mike from new jersey. >> andrew, queens, new york. >> -- from new jersey. >> alex from fairfield, connecticut. >> jimmy: very good, cool, very, very good. anyone met before? no one met before. very good. back stage we asked you to come up with

let's go dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, whatolor underwear toda hey sara. so, whenou gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post onanneanee. milyfriends... e ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. >>> tiger woods is slowly coming in from the cold. >> for the first time since that thanksgiving episode he sat down to talk to espn. >> what's the difference between the man who left augusta national a year ago and the one who's about to return? >> a lot has transpired in my life. a lot of ugly things have happened. things that -- i've done some pretty bad things in my life. and all came to a head. but now, after treatment, going for inpatient treatment for 45 days and in more outpatient treatment, i'm getting back to my old roots. >> for a lot of people, the spark of those bad things is november 27th. early that day, what happened? >> well, it's all in the police report. you know, beyond that, everything's between elin

[ laughter ] "dude, dude, you're in a walmart." [ light laughter ] this is bad.lockbuster said it might have to file for bankruptcy if it can't pay off its debts. which means my strategy of holding on to "air bud 2: golden receiver" for nine years just might pay off. [ laughter ] smart move again, fallon. there's some big tiger woods news today. 100 explicit text messages from tiger to a porn star were posted on the internet. in one text tiger wrote, "i would wear you out." [ light laughter ] i know, right? yeah, in the only time i ever said, "i would wear you out" was when i was talking to a sweater i really liked at macy's. i'm like, "i'd wear you out. yeah, i'd wear you right out of the store. i like this." [ light laughter ] speaking of dirty text messages, two flight attendants in the united arab emirates were sentenced to three months in jail for sending each other sexy text messages. it was really filthy. he said, "i wish that he was in the upright position." and then she said, "would you like to sit in my exit row?" and he said, "sorry, i just boarded ear

i love that dude. it's cool. we're starting the week off right tonight. very funny host of "the colbert report," stephen colbert is here. [ cheers and applause ] "colbert report" that's up to him. i'm a big fan of that guy. from the show "white collar," a great actor and an old pal, willie garson is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] and we have one of the best chefs in the whole wide world here tonight. we're gonna be cooking with chef eric ripert. this is gonna be good tonight. [ cheers and applause ] ripert, garson, colbert. colbert, garson, ripert. very french sounding show. and satriani. that's very french as well. did anyone see the season premiere of "lost" last week? [ cheers and applause ] i love that show. it was really great. in fact, before the season started, i went back and rewatched all five seasons from the beginning. and it actually reminded me about a year ago, i had a pretty similar experience to "lost" right here in the building. it's true. except instead of a plane crash it was an elevator crash. and we got stranded on the mysterious

and that is -- that picture of him, the dude is relaxed. he was working hard. >> i don't think i have ever been that relaxed in my entire life. >> ever. >> even on heavy medication, kimberly. you can pump me full of drugs. i am not even close to that. kimberly, if you ended up on a tropical vacation, wouldn't you know how you got there. and just say my staff made plans. >> i would say clearly my staff put this thong on me. i have no idea why i am laying out like this. he is throwing them under the bus. he is not accepting responsibility. and let's be honest, he has a tail a mile long of things he has done that are inappropriate. but sign me up to be a politician because it looks like pretty, easy x fun and you don't have to take responsibility for anything. >> for the benefit of our ratings, can we get back to the thong thing? >> that's when you get caught in unfortunate under gar mebts -- undergarments and you are too unfortunate to say -- >> doesn't sound unfortunate to me. i love the ladies. a pound of brewski. >> he lies to people ef da

line, right dude, rock on. -- they became a punch line, right dude, rock on. how were they crushed? who crushed them. we were still coming out of the leave it to beaver years we were still relatively decent people, i think. up here, we have these two clowns and these people, this is our general society. hippies like bill ayers tossing bombs at everything. at some point they realized the tactic going to change anything. they realized they didn't have any power. see, clowerd and piven said get inside, destroy it from the inside out. get ahold as much power as you can get and get as many people on welfare as possible and collapse the system but the key ingredient was to have a structure in place. so when it comes down there's something for it to collapse into. what's the structure? what did they learn? they learned some really important lessons. they learned that the man was keeping them down, remember that? it's the man! remember all of these stupid people, protesting the man in washington. all the marches, all the things they did. there was kind of a line here. because americans don'

landly's playing partner says, hey, dude, doing that too. his third shot, same hole, just off the green. and that's in for an eagle as well. then tied for sixth at minus 7. how about kevin na. pga tour for seven years, never won. here on his first hole of the day. from 50 feet away this is a bomb. na, yes. rolls it in here. he is in second place all by himself at minus 9. he is making a run at the leader board because here is your current leader, ernie els, third shot on the nine, on nine from 53 yards out and this ball has gps. into the cup for birdie, leads by two strokes at 11 under and then the rains came, final round, resume on monday morning and also resuming on monday will be the nascar race down in martinsville, watched out because of precipitation. >> mother nature messing up games. >> there you go. >> nats pacing themselves. >> come on strong the end of spring so you can get momentum into the opening season, opening day, april 5th against the phillies, a good one. >> hope that is a sign of what's to come.flhopefully. >>> starting t

. >> they were dude. >> neil: you're not saab they are duped? i'm saying they were duped if they think the -- it can't trump it or put a spin on it. it's legally meaningless. politically it may be a value to them. >> neil: but what is it with executive orders? can a president -- i've heard one president's executive order can be overturned by his successor but it can be overturned by the president who rights it. >> absolutely. bill clinton signed an executive order which he decided he didn't want and overturned it. it's an order from the president to people who work for him in the executive branch to do something or not. the government hires outside contractors. bill clinton signed an order saying the outside contractors have to be members of labor unions. george bush says get the best contractors labor union or not. the law is silent on whether or not they have to be labor unions. the president has that discretion. if the law says it will cover abortion, the president can't undo that with be an executive order. he can only fill in the gaps for t

"no, you're making a mistake, dude." [ laughter ] this is pretty interesting. [ laughter ] turning into robin williams act. [ laughter ] "yes, and the kid at home going --" "no, daddy, no." "yes, deal, yes. thank you. yes, ladies and gentlemen!" [ laughter and applause ] thank you. oh, my god. this is pretty interesting. hawaii wants to be the location for president obama's presidential library because that's where he was born and raised. but really, when you go to hawaii, the first thought that comes to your mind is "i got to hit the library," isn't it? [ laughter ] so, it's kind of perfect. have you guys been watching march madness? [ cheers and applause ] the sweet 16, the sweet 16 starts on thursday, and i can hardly wait. although just part of me wishes that there were just 13 teams so they could call it a bar mitzvah. that would be -- [ laughter ] listen to this, a girl in new york who's parents were on "wife swap" is suing the show for $100 million for making her look like a spoiled brat. note to the girl, guess what else makes you look like a brat? being 15 and suing for $100 mi

>> he's a scary dude. him up to congress to get them to vote for health care. >> former governor of kansas -- former basketball player. >> she is a fanatical jayhawks fan. she's a maniac. >> in charge of health care. do you take care of kansas here? >> i do. because i want her to be happy when she's working on these important issues here. final game, we got kansas and kentucky. that's the game right there. >> that's right. the president is going with kansas, and all of us from kentucky will remind him of that on april 5th when we are partying. go to espn.com, they have all of his winners and losers, and we hope to see you right back here tomorrow night have a great one. troy reiners manages nebraska's child support program. he doesn't have time for lost checks. he doesn't have budget to waste. but he does have digital currey. 38 states use visa pre-paid cards to deliver benefits to familieinstantly instead of mailing checks, saving taxpayers millions. this is nebraska. this is progress. visa. currency of p

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i'm telling you. >> jimmy: dude, you might have super powers. the where the statue of liberty was, and i obviously got too close. there was this sort of iconic wide shot with me swimming past the statue of liberty, and i thought, oh, this is so cool, and the camera was miles away. and then suddenly, this speedboat came up and -- "get out of the water." what are you doing?" "get out!" i said, "how could i get out? i'm swimming." so i get out. there's a huge machine gun on me, these guys. >> jimmy: is that right. >> they obviously thought i was a threat to the statue of liberty. [ light laughter ] the coast guard. i was like, "guys, we're making a movie." then, "oh, you're making a movie!" >> jimmy: maybe if you grew like 500 times your size, with the radioavivity. you're like, bigger than the statue of liberty. like, "joseph finnes, he's fighting the statue of liberty. this is so weird. [ laughter ] >> i know -- >> jimmy: i've got to stop swimming in the hudson. yeah, absolutely. we've got to talk about "flash forward" because it's really cool. i

dude, you live in the world, baby. >> as fred the agent arranged a face-to-face meeting. >> and thenin a parking lot a day or two later. >> this is where he would begin fishing for the job sandler had previously offered the now jailed drug dealer. >> how much she weigh? >> she's very muscular. she's only 5'3", 120. >> dude, that's eight bags of [ bleep ], 50 pound bags of line. >> so if they found her and it looked like she got raped. >> they wouldn't find her. line's a mother. >> when people think that they are talking between themselves only about something as noxious and horrible as killing your own wife, it's amazing what they'll say. that's on "dateline" tonight, tamron. >> keith, that is chilling when you see that. >> yes. >> what this man -- how he described a living human being. i can't wait to see the rest of that and be sure, thank you, keith, to catch the nbc "dateline" special "recipe for murder" tonight at 9:00 eastern, 8:00 central. >>> coming up, former alaska governor sarah palin takes the stage in tucson, arizona, there to campaign for her former running mate, republ

drew. [ laughter ] >> that's the joke. >> jimmy: no, i'm -- dude, i'm a huge fan.-- i mean, "celebrity rehab," i watch all the time. it's on thursdays now. >> yeah. we're just finishing. >> jimmy: number three. and then "sober house." >> we did "sex rehab" before that, which was an interesting project -- >> jimmy: "sex rehab." >> -- very intense. "sex rehab," i was a little disappointed with, 'cause with -- those patients did so much intensive work and a lot of it didn't get on television. i felt bad about that. >> jimmy: i watched that, my wife was dvr-ing it and i watched the first episode. i'm like, "i don't know if i'm sure if i'll be into this." because i'm irish-catholic and i don't talk about sex at all. [ laughter ] >> so, i hear. >> jimmy: so, yeah, so i watched it. and it was so much deeper than -- and that was fantastic. >> yeah, all of these shows are really about human experience. i mean, the fact that these are medical problems of our time, addiction. but it's all based on deep emotional pain and childhood traumas and this sort of thing -- >> jimmy: a

. >> reporter: these desserts are for dudes. cupcakes covered in cammo and wood grain and covered in plaid. made by david eric's macho company called, what else? the butch bakery. the manly treats are something new in a city that's become obsessed wh cupcakes in recent years. ♪ i'm crazy for the cupcakes >> reporter: carrie sank her teeth into one on "sex in the city." walking by that busy bakery, arrick, an out of work attorney, had an idea. his come with a massive twist, with ingredients like beer and bacon. and masculine names, too. >> i like the driller. that's maple cake with milk chocolate. >> reporter: we're going to take the cupcakes to the streets of new york david with the manly ones. we with the girlie ones. and we'll put them to the test. we have to find real men. which would you rather have? a girlie cupcake? or a manly cupcake? >> that's a good question. >> reporter: you cannot be seen eating the flowers. >> those are for my daughter. these are for me. >> reporter: goodies for guys. maybe it's an idea whose time as

. >> hey dude, i'm eating pizza, don't bother me anymore, quit calling me. >> sharon and jim decided to head to austin, hoping for the best. but preparing for the worst. >> i remembered that when we were trying to figure out what we were going to do and getting some clothes packed, we stood right here in this hallway and i looked at jim and i said this is going to be really bad, isn't it. and he said yeah, i'm afraid it could be. >> reporter: the next day, august 18, 2005, sharon and jim hit the highway and raced four hours from corpus christi to austin, and straight to colton's apartment. he was the last person to be seen with jennifer. it was early evening by the time they arrived. they found jennifer's car nearby. >> we start knocking on the door. we knock on the windows, and we walk around the apartment seeing if there was a back door. >> we're really getting scared that something bad has happened inside that apartment. >> reporter: at around 8:00 pm jim called 911, but when the cops arrived, they wouldn't break in without a search warrant. so after they left, jim muscled his way

. >> hey dude, i'm eating pizza, don't bother me anymore, quit calling me. >> sharon and jim decided to head to austin, hoping for the best. but preparing for the worst. >> i remembered that when we were trying to figure out what we were going to do and getting some clothes packed, we stood right here in this hallway and i looked at jim and i said this is going to be really bad, isn't it. and he said yeah, i'm afraid it could be. >> reporter: the next day, august 18, 2005, sharon and jim hit the highway and raced four hours from corpus christi to austin, and straight to colton's apartment. he was the last person to be seen with jennifer. it was early evening by the time they arrived. they found jennifer's car nearby. >> we start knocking on the door. we knock on the windows, and we walk around the apartment seeing if there was a back door. >> we're really getting scared that something bad has happened inside that apartment. >> reporter: at around 8:00 pm jim called 911, but when the cops arrived, they wouldn't break in without a search warrant. so after they left, jim muscled his way

. >> i first came in and i said, hey, i -- i'm a bad dude, i said, i'm tough, i said, i'll fight anybody, i don't care, any weight, any time, anywhere. >> reporter: to say mike's background is rough is an understatement. his parents separated when he was 5. his mother became involved with marvin wayne eddy, a man now serving time for murder. >> it was 1984, and me and my brother, of course, were dirt poor. he decided that it would be a good idea to go to one of his buddy's trailers and rob it of all the alcohol and drugs that were in there. >> reporter: mike was 8, his brother, just 5. there was snow on the ground as they headed out in the middle of the night. 5-year-old jesse would not stop crying. marvin wayne eddy decided to shut him up. >> so, he started hitting him and of course that made him cry more, and he kept beating him and eventually he picked him up by his legs and swung him up against a tree until he quit crying. >> reporter: jesse never woke up, and died three days later. when that's your start? life, what kind of kid were you? >> i renounced god. i could not wrap my mind

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you're wat dude, your shirt. oh, i did it to let the ladies know, i'm the right choice. i got the idea from general mills big g cereals. they put this white check at the top of every box to let people know their cereals have healthy whole grain so they're the right choice, like me. (announcer) general mills is the only leading cereal company to put healthy whole grain in every box. the choice has never been easier. for whole grain guaranteed, just look for the white check. and in hard times, sometimes, a belief in a dream, a belief in what is possible - can tnsform everything. at at&t, we've never forgotten that our company began in a small laboratory, with a dream and a belief, in the future. today, our wired and wireless high speed internet networks are connecting small businesses across america - in cities and small towns - to markets around the world. we know that investment in broadband high speed internet can create hundreds of thousands of new american jobs. small businesses are being formed - dreams are being launched - and real jobs are being created. at at&t, w

dude's a time bomb. uh-oh. it's worse than i thought. what was her name again? julie. split up years ago. booze and pills definitely do not mix with photos of the ex. what do you got? it's a crime scene photo. something i saw nick looking at a few weeks back. (knocks on desk) hmm? what the hell? (sniffles) can't you see i'm taking a table nap? been a lot of those lately. what do you got? some other case. arson photo. didn't recognize it at the time. j.d. billingsley, 11/06. but why bring home a four-year-old arson case? might have something to do with the guy at the bar. you remember this case? no. but the fire marshal would. billingsley. oh, yeah, i remember. double homicide, arson, couple years back. you worked that with nick, right? yeah, that's right. what's going on? he contact you? any reason the case might come up? no. any reason it should? tell us about the arson case, ray. row house over in kensington. incendiary, pretty open and shut. j.d. billingsley? joe don billingsley. lit up his own place, middle of the night. it was a double homicide? his own two boys.

. >> dude is rocking a cassette player. >> i'm sure there's a reason. >> leg warmers? jerry curl.. what color is michael jackson? >> black. ♪ >> jimmy: there you go. "hot tub time machine" opens tomorrow. craig robinson, everybody. coming up, sarah mclachlan and emmylou harris. where you're comfortable with who you are. shouldn't your skin be just as comfortable? ♪ introducing new dove men+care with micromoisture. this new technology activates on contact leaving your skin moisturized. it's clinically proven to fight skin dryness better than any regular men's body wash... leaving your skin feeling comfortable. new dove men+care. be comfortable in your own skin. ♪ what the french toast? did you think i wouldn't find out about... your little doo-doo head cootie queen? who are you calling #a cootie queen, yo lint-licker! fabulous! orbit spearmint cleansanother dirty mouth., for a good clean feeling, !no matter what., fabulous! orbit spearmint cleansanother dirty mouth., ♪ 7 ♪7 sticking to a plan matters, especially when it comes to your finances. that's why chase cards come with bluep

you say this dude's got to go. >> i rarely discuss it. asked whoever is around if they have an opinion but generally speaking i make the call. >> great having you. >> thank you very much. >>> do you remember this? last week the supreme court reversed a century of law that i believe will open the floodgates for special interests, including foreign corporations to spent without limit in our elections. >> neil: could that moment kill this? >> today, after all the votes have been tallied, healthcare reform becomes law in the united states of america. >> greta van susteren is here on that after this. are you receiving a payout from a legal settlement or annuity over 10 or even 20 years? call imperial structured settlements. the experts at imperial can convert your long-term payout into a lump sum of cash today. between having to and wanting to. the craftsman rear propelled mower. easy to start. easy to walk. ♪ and with the industry's largest bag... easy to unload. moving lawn care forward. more innovation. more great values. craftsman. trust.

it's [ muted ], dude. >> if i knew something you'd know a long time ago. leave me alone. talk to my lawyer. >> right. it's always the cops' fault when they catch you on video selling dope. i'm going to go straight back out to our lawyers. but first to art harris, investigative journalist who broke the story just a few moments ago regarding yet another failed polygraph. what are the circumstances surrounding the poly? >> nancy, i can tell you that investigators have been trying to get misty to take a new poly for quite a while. she was too sick one night to take it. but finally, on february 26th, 5:30 p.m., they sent for her from her cell, the st. john's county jail. several investigators. and one of the top polygraph operators in florida, a woman who works part-time for the -- a nearby sheriff's department set up for it, and they sent for her. she left her cell, went to the administration building, and they were very careful to spend at least an hour going over questions and what they were going to cover so that they could have control -- you know, control of questions an

you should add a letter k to his name and go after dudes.utes. >> who would sleep with a woman who has to pay for it? >> i would, greg. >> it is a weird turn on. >> i would be so easy to talk down. 300. >> i will give uh buck. okay. >> i get the last word. sexual trends reported in newspapers are always wrong. when they say this is gonna happen and there will be a big trend of male jig -- gigalows. it has never been a trend. it is always false. i have to move on. steven, always a pleasure and see you soon. >>> coming up, bill gets his heart broken by a duck. but first -- >> are these polar bears in trouble? well, last night they got drunk and didn't use protection. there goes all of their plans after graduation. >>> i don't think it would be a bad thing for this ice world to warm up. >> al gore gives the impression that the sea level will rise in the near future. that's a disturbing misstatement of the science. >> 20th century is not the warmest in a thousand years. we also have scientific data to control this. >> that was from the film "not

i mean, it's like, dude, you don't understand the last time that happened, "lost" was on tv -- [ laughter ] beyonce was popular. it was, like, crazy stuff, man. "tell me about it, grapa." "yeah. 2006, man, wow. heady days." here's some movie news. "repo men" came out today, starring jude law as a guys who rips out your internal organs if you can't pay for them, or, as we call it in the u.s., your insurance company. [ laughter ] speaking of health insurance, the democrats are working overtime to get 216 votes to pass health care on sunday. which means rahm emanuel is brawling the showers like the head of a prison gang. [ laughter ] "you guys vote yet?" here's some good medical news. there's a new technique that lets doctors perform kidney transplants in 45 minutes. because when you're getting a kidney transplant, your main concern always, "how long is this going to take?" [ laughter ] "can you do it in less than an hour because i've got to watch a 'glee' repeat." [ laughter ] it's pretty crazy. i just read about a retirement home in mexico that caters exclusively to older prostitutes. [ la

the dude up on the ledge hadn't sobered up all the way, so the only thing he decided to do was he wentp. one can only

i tried watching it, but my tivo just stopped in the middle and said, "dude, you're 35, what are you-" [ laughter ] listen to this, justin bieber's manager was arrested today for reckless endangerment for a riot that broke out during justin's appearance at a mall in november. when he was thrown in jail, his cell mates were like, "what's your story?" he was like, "i managed justin bieber." and they were like, "oh, my god, are you serious? i love justin bieber! he's my favorite of l-time!" [ light laughter ] and finally, according to a new article right now, henry and charlotte are the most elite baby names in the u.s. the least elite baby names right now, tiger and bombshell mcgee. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show! give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, guys. it's going to be a great show. i don't know if you guys heard about this. but apparently yesterday a live microphone caught joe biden telling obama that the passing of the health care bill was, "a big f --ing deal." except he didn't say f --ing. he said the word. i don't co

. >> that dude is rocking a cassette player. >> i'm sure there's a reasonable explanation. >> leg warms>> what color is michael jackson? >> black. >> joining me now is pop culture expert tia brown. i know the critics love it. i do not get who named this movie. why would you name a movie "hot tub time machine"? >> people say it's relatable, they have a great cast and it's terrific. they're comparing it to "the hangover" and "the 40-year-old virgin." >> both movies which had much cooler names. it sounds like a c movie, doesn't it? should i play another clip? >> sure. >> let's play another clip with sound. >> nicholas. who's the geek? >> he's your son. >> that's not appropriate. >> sunshine. >> because i'm here to brighten your day. >> it's jacob. he's totally cool. >> he doesn't look cool. >> they show the early box office results for this. it's behind "alice in wonderland." coming in at number one is "how to train your dragon." which is another 3-d animated movie. some say it's the greatest movie ever and some say, eh. >> it's a great kiddie movie and a great coming of age movie. a young

mi, no dudé de ti ni por un segundo.calentar o comer cualquier comida familiar en sólo ocho minutos o menos. con su bullet express viene incluida la revolucionaria meal maker express, diñada para cortar, rebana@@triturar suomida farita, ya sean vegetales, carne o fruta. y la mejor parte es que usted puede cortar, rebanar o triturar ena sartén, cacerola o plato con el que cocina. ahora usted puede tener un guisado de carne y vegetales listo para el horno en sólo 45 segundos. corte papas y cebollas fácilmente dentro deplato. luego voltee el disco y su bullet express está lista para rebanar. rebane el queso. y ahora sus deliciosas papas gratinadas están listas para el horno en sólo 30 segundos. o hágalo directamente en la sartén para freírlas en sólo tres segundos. rebane queso, pollo, tomates y jalapeños siningún esfuerzo pa un rápido y simple plato de nachos en 15 segundos que será favorito en las fiestas. laejor parte es que aún entre las procesadoras más caras, la bullet express nu@@ limita el tamaño de su contenedor. a

out in tucson, arizona, not just the senator and governor palin but the first dude, todd palin was therecindy mccain there as wem. listen to cindy mccain and she's warming up the crowd and let's see if this one passes truth test. >> you have come today, i know most of all to see my husband. but i know you've also come -- but you've also come to see sarah as well. let's stop it there. by applause meter standards who did they come to see? >> they clearly came to see john mccain when he was accompanied palin was the big star of the day. she drew the crowd. she is doing it all around the country. >> produce freres the michael jackson beat it video called. they want that jacket back. >> could she help him get votes? when you're being challenged from the right, i know you're as a democrat you don't like her appeal globally. but in that niche? >> i understand what her appeal is. and in that niche she absolutely helps him. he is being challenged from the right. he needs his bonaifieds to be blessed by sarah palin, which is an odd thing to say. i think it's sad. >> a lot of republicans are think

dude, you're freaking me out. [ male announcer ] now try planters almonds with sea salt and olive oil>>> new this morning, the pope issued an apology to victims of child sex abuse by irish clergy. pope benedict announced in an unprecedented letter a formal investigation of irish diocese. he said he was truly sorry for what the victims suffered at the hands of sexually abusing priests. he addressed the busers themselves, saying they are responsible for harming the name of the church and they must submit to civil authority. >>> president obama is making a final push for the health care overhaul as he heads to capitol hill to meet with rank and file democrats. many are asking, how will the changes affect me? health care, really complicated. what does this mean to the average american? >> it's coverage for everyone, even if you have a pre-existing condition. you're sick. 46 million americans have no coverage. 25 million are underissued. it's about covering everyone. so if you get sick or need a transplant, you're not going to lose your home or go into foreclosure. >> everyone has to buy c

at this point, i have literally taken out a full page out saying, dude, i'm not running, and he's stillrying to run against me. i feel like i'm down the rabbit hole. >> we're all right there with you. you're not running for office. we're glad you're still here with us. thank you. and of course, be sure to watch rachel tonight and every weeknight at 9:00 eastern only on msnbc. >>> the white house today is taking another stab at trying to fix the foreclosure crisis. politico's eamon javers walks us through the new efforts. >>> and the white house party crashers are getting 12 episodes. "the daily beast" reports the couple will star in a new reality series. no confirmation yet from bravo. plus -- it's one of the most repeated sound bites of the week. joe biden's profanity has one team hot under the collar. a 16-year-old says he wants biden to apologize. he's the same teen who convinced california lawmakers to pass a no-cussing revolution. just hope he doesn't come to our news room one day. flowing with g combination of seven tantalizing flavors your cat craves. friskies signature blend. fe

about what specifically. >> what's going on here, dude.e who reacted to a blog on cnn.com. not me. it is not cool. he's obviously got all the resources he could have to try to quit. at 3:00, rick and i will be talking about this. >> elizabeth cohen, thank you. >>> beyond the politics of health care reform, the battle hits home for a georgia couple. they're among american who have fallen through the cracks in the system. half-inch ratchet, three-quarter standard socket. from one of these rascals. 3/4" deep well. - and i can't reach it. - 12-inch extension. because this big 'ole grizzly bear is in the way. universal joint. my man. the largest tool selection in america... and the people who know them best. come in now and fi all portable power tools, bench, and stationary tools on sale. sears. life. well spent. you can label as "different." like janice. uh-huh. yeah. fashion deficient. and tom... copy incapable. it's open kimono time. looking good, dan. oh, we want to make sure all our ducks in a row. yeah. volume control syndrome. but we foc

maitre 'd of a mexican restaurant called sparkle paca." [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, heavy dudes make their tie long enough. [ laughter ] for looking like you gladly pay me tuesday for a hamburger today. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, bathroom attendant who hands me a towel for making me feel guilty that i don't have a dollar to give you. [ laughter ] and thank you, me, for lying and saying i'll bring an extra dollar the next time. [ light laughter ] we both know i'm never coming back to this bathroom. [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, cleveland indians mascot, for answering the question, what if someone tries to draw a picture so racist it could never ever be a baseball mascot? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] perfect. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, me from three months ago, who promised to get in shape during the winter. you lying sack of [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] it's 4:00, put down the cinnabun. [ applause ] i don't have to mail it, i can just -- probably can just read it. i'll mail it, and i'll just get surprised when i get it in the mail. what

dude, you're freaking me out. [ male announcer ] now try planters almonds with sea salt and olive oilgs ! it's an "egg management fee." what does that even mean ? egg management fee. even kids know it's wrong to take other people's stuff. that's why at ally bank we don't eat away at your savings with fees. and we offer rates among the most competitive in the country. it's just the right thing to do. >>> in my "playbook" tonight, less than ten minutes after president obama signed the health care bill yesterday, 14 states filed lawsuits against the government. 13 states attorney general banned together to file a single lawsuit in a florida federal court. those states include washington, idaho, utah, colorado, south dakota, nebraska, michigan, texas, louisiana, alabama, pennsylvania, south carolina, and florida. virginia's attorney general is filing a separate suit against the health care bill. their main objections to the bill are that the requirement that most americans purchase insurance and the expansion of medicaid. for more let me bring in attorney general mark shirtlif of utah, on