cheers and applause ) i assume everyone west of the mississippi has been quarantined in the ebola afterscapewe will have full coverage of that crisis tomorrow, if there is a tomorrow. in the meantime, no one touch me. ( laughter ) but first, nation, as a newsman, i always keep tabs on the headlines out of china. i can't read them, but i get the gist-- looks like an ikea dresser went off a ski jump. it's probably the sports section. i don't know. and the latest news out of hong kong has me worried about its residents' safety... in bed... ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and everywhere else. >> massive protests filling the streets of hong kong. >> tens of thousands of these demonstrators have packed into the highways and streets, mostly in the city's central financial district. >> they clashed with police who reportedly pointed long- barreled guns and used tear gas for the first time in years. >> stephen: yes, protestors in hong kong are being attacked with tear gas. or as it's known in china, the sky. ( laughter ) the protests here, it's all. taems. you see, after china took control of ho

cheers and applause ) i assume everyone west of the mississippi has been quarantined in the ebola afterscape there is a tomorrow. in the meantime, no one touch me. ( laughter ) but first, nation, as a newsman, i always keep tabs on the headlines out of china. i can't read them, but i get the gist-- looks like an ikea dresser went off a ski jump. it's probably the sports section. i don't know. and the latest news out of hong

other 10% will live in a post-apocalyptic afterscape ruled by gangs of psychopathic biker chicks who serve the spice lord targoth. (laughter) because the ebolarisis just hit america where we live. if by "we" you mean "i." >> ebola has come to new york! in america's largest city. >> confirmed ebola in the heart of new york city. >> stephen: ebola has come to new york! and if they can spread it here, they'll spread it everywhere! (laughter) (singing) >> i don't know all the words to that song. i'll admit it. before, i wasn't really worried because ebola was only in faraway places i'll never go, like liberia and dallas. (laughter) but now, the (bleep) has hit the fan. which is the number-one way to spread ebola! (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: i've just got to calm down! i'll just close my eyes and go to my happy place. argh! why did i make my happy place liberia?! now, the patient who's keeping the city that never sleeps awake at night is a doctor who just returned from treating ebola patients in guinea. he knew he was at risk, so upon returning from africa, he stayed home from work. which kept him away from his co-workers... and gave him pl