downtown ♪ ♪ things will be great when you're downtown ♪ >> anything that was current was on "the ed sullivanot on sullivan, you knew you could talk about it. did you see sullivan? >> my whole life i don't get no respect. no respect from anyone. >> as a performer, you couldn't get a place to sell your product. >> when i started out, they would say, variety is a man's game. it's dean. it's milton berle. it's jackie gleason, you know. it's the guys. but variety is what i know. i felt it was in my genes to do this. [ yelling like tarzan ] >> she had been so good on the garry moore show. she always knew she could sing and dance and be funny. >> on my show, i would do pratfalls and jump out of windows and get pies in the face, and it was heaven. >> you know, i still see a rerun of "the carol burnett show" and i think, goddamn, they're funny. there's never been a better three-wall sketch show ever. >> she was great in bed, too, dickey. remember? >> you never went to bed with -- >> well. >> you're not supposed to curtsy. you're supposed to bow. >> well, i get dizzy when i bend over. >> when tim conw

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there you go! hello, my friends. what's up? good to see you. please, sit down. sit! down! welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. first of all,-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. you know what? happy friday to everybody here. is i hope you're all doing well. ( applause ) i'm glad to be feeling healthy after my tussle with covid a couple of weeks back. it's got a lock tame on it. but the virus is still out there. case in point: jon batiste is not here again tonight because he's caught covid. we wish him all the best and a speedy recovery. love jon, right? there you go. luckily, stay human's own louis cato has stepped in. give it up for louis cato, right over there. all right. ( cheers and applause ). and when louis is not on camera, we seal him in tupperware, just to keep him fresh. we have to at this point. we'll poke some air holes. but despite the covid of it all, the world is opening up. for example, over in ger

and now, liver on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) hey, hey. you thanks for being here. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: what's going on. good to see you, what's up, good to see i, thank you very much. how is that looking? thank you very much. welcome, welcome one and all. please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. i'm your host, stephen colbert. first of all, let's start off with a-- a heartfelt happy cinco de mayo! everybody. now, a lot of people mistakenly believe that today is mexican independence day. it's not. it's mexican st. patrick's day. that's why we drink green margaritas. "ah, the luck of the mexicans. they're after me lucky burritos!" ste end of ef every rainbow say pot of-- cinco de mayo isn't even celebrated in all of mexico. and here in the u.s., it only began to take off in the 1970s and '80s, when brewing companies began capitalizing on it as a way to appeal to consumers. wow, promoting a holiday for corporations to make money? that's so crass. i can't believe it. you know, break

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, man, good to see you! hey, louis. happy tuesday! thank you so much. please have a seat, everybody. welcome, one and all to "the late show." the. i am your host, stephen colbert. i'm sure like all of you in here and watching out there, i'd always hoped i'd live to see the end of the covid safety precautions, we get to burn our masks at a bonfire, and then do something crazy like make out or eat free grocery store samples. but turns out, that's not how pandemics end: not with a bang, but with a court order. because last night, out of the blue, a federal judge struck down the mask mandate for planes >> which is great news for anyone who rode public transit and say this is too sanitary "this is too sanitary." no surprise, the ruling comes from a tampa-based federal judge. you can't let florida make health decisions for the entire country. the florida-- the florida-- ( cheering ) this judge claimed the limited to things like cleaning property, not

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )

. >> after vaughn meader appeared on the ed sullivan show, jacqueline kennedy drafted this memo to her personal secretary. she sought, she had a serious problem with that because he had a child in the sketch, and the child's name with caroline. it's a wonderful internal memo because it really gives you a sense of how angry this type of commercialization of her children made her. >> she does not -- >> in this letter. we didn't interfere with the album, we don't as she puts it, i don't give a what he does with the album. but it is in appalling taste that he should make money out of a five-year-old child. i would just like him to know that i consider him a rat as far as the children are concerned. but then she leaves it up to her secretary, if you think this should be communicated to him, do it. otherwise, just forget about it. he did -- he was concerned and distressed himself because he never meant to offend the president and the first lady. kennedy had no problem with it, he actually kind of like the. [laughs] >> talking about things that may or may not have offended mrs. kennedy. let's

yeah not yeah after vaughn meter appeared on the ed sullivan show jacqueline kennedy drafted this memo to her personal secretary. of having she saw it. she had a serious problem with it because he had a child in the sketch and the child's name was caroline. and it's a wonderful internal memo because it really gives you a sense of how angry this type of of commercialization of her children made her she doesn't understand better. yeah, she said, you know, we didn't inferior interfere with the album. we don't as she puts it, you know, i don't give a -- what he does with the album. but that it's in appalling taste, but he should make money out of a five year old child. i would just like him to know. that i consider him a rat as far as the children are concerned and but then she leaves it up to her secretary, you know, either if you think this should be communicated to him do it. otherwise just forget about it. he did. he was concerned and and distressed himself because he never meant to offend. the the president in the first lady kennedy had no problem with it. he actually kind of liked it

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!hen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) what's up? good to see you. what's up? what's up? hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! happy thursday! hey, everybody! please have a seat, evened. you're too kind. thank you very much. welcome up there, down here, everybody watching around the world. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) that's nice. that's nice. hope you guys are feeling good tonight. i'm feeling -- what would you describe -- a little nostalgic, i guess, because, yesterday, there was a sighting of a man who i spent many happy years pretending to like. i'm talking about former president george w. bush, seen here after getting into the saran wrap drawer again. laura had to put up that doggy door outside the kitcheno keep him out. ( laughter ) dubya and i had so many good times together back at the old "colbert report." i made so much fun of him, and he gave he so many reasons to do that. ( laughter ) mmm... but -- ( cheers and applause ) old days. old da

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) wa>> stephen: watch out, watch out! every monday. every monday. hello, it's good to see you. ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: welcome one and all down here, up there, high and away up there. hello, ladies and gentlemen, good to see you. welcome one and all to "the late show." i am your shows stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) folks, if you watch this show regularly, and i hope you do, you know that i try to have a pretty positive outlook on the world, such as it is. i see the glass as half full. i don't know what the liquid is, and i'm not drinking it. but it's half full. but current events have me feeling a little unsettled, and a little 'flurpy,' about america's future. and i'm not alone. according to a recent cbs news-yougov-mountain dew: code red- poll, america's mood is uneasy and worried. things are so stressful our national bird is now the 'balding eagle.' ( applause ) so it's good. long may he wave. just going to sa

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!heers and applause ) >> announcer: hello >> stephen: hello! hello! oh. so nice to see you. hello. good to see you. hello. what's up? hello. happy monday. welcome one and all. thank you, marcus, very kind. thank you, sir. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, i am back, baby! covid -- ( cheers and applause ) come on! two times! covid's not gonna keep this guy down... more than twice. here's what happened: i had covid, i got over covid, then covid staged a gritty reboot in my lungs. but i'm back and i'm happy to be back. ( cheers and applause ) i miss these lovely people. miss y'all. while i'm happy to be back, i'm sad to say that the number one story today is not only tragic, it is tragically common. because the attack in buffalo this weekend is not the first overtly racist mass shooting this country has witnessed in recent years. it's a truly horrific crime, and of course, our hearts are with the victims, their families,

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: there you go. hello, louis. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, everybody, to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. and let me just say-- yes, sir-- let me just say happy friday, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). this weekend, i'm feeling it. this is going to be a great weekend to grab some burgers and beers and have a barbeque, once you've sold a kidney to afford those beers and burgers, because inflation is still running rampant. costs are so high that our new favorite game show is "the price is what?!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) people-- people are especially-- ( applause ) ba-ba-ba-da! people are especially feeling the pain at the grocery store. reporters are that some shoppers are saying the price of a bulk pack of toilet paper had surged from $17 to $25. that's crazy. i remember recently when toilet paper was affordable. even during the first few weeks of the pandemic, all you needed was seven bucks and the willingness to body

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thank you for being here. please! sit down! hey, tom. what's going on? what's going on, y'all? happy thursday. yes, happy thursday. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host stephen colbert. now -- ( cheers and applause ) -- folks, i don't know about you, but i am past ready for our elected officials to take any action at all on guns. okay. ( cheers and applause ) and there are things -- there are some bedrock things they could do. there are only two stumbling blocks: elected. officials. because, despite the horrific shooting in uvalde, texas, the senate just skipped town for a two-week break without any action on guns. chuck schumer had planned on pushing through a vote to get everyone on the record, but yesterday he bailed, explaining there was no point in doing so, given that republican opposition was already "crystal clear." he's just following the old adage: "if at first, you don't succe

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: beautiful, beautiful! oh, my goodness! you guys sound good! you guys sound good! hey! thank you! what's up, marcus opinion thank you, please. have a seat, everybody! this is delightful. please have a seat, everybody. thank you so much. welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. you can feel the electricity in the air because it is primary day all across america. five states are choosing their party nominees for state and federal office: pennsylvania, oregon, idaho, north carolina, and kentucky. or as election experts collectively know them "poinck"! ( laughter ) now, it's-- ( applause ) "poinck"! tuesday-- now we tape this show early-- yeah, and that means we don't know the results yet, know the results yet, but by the time this airs, the victors will be celebrating and the losers will be saying they're the victors. it's a particular big day for the g.o.p. the party is choosing its direction for 2022: original recipe

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!ers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome, welcome one and all. please have a seat, everybody, thank you very much. welcome, down here, up there, all around the world, to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) well, it's been what, it's been 48 hours, let's say, and america is still reeling from monday's leaked supreme court decision overturning "roe v. wade." it came out of nowhere. because with inflation, the pandemic, rising fascism, ukraine, this wasn't exactly an issue on the front burner. in fact, back in 2021, a gallup poll asked what people thought the most important problem facing the u.s. was, and fewer than half of 1% answered abortion. by march of 2022, that number was ze turbulent years, "roe" was finally no longer a five-alarm fire. but the conservative majority decided to follow their standard protocol: in case of no emergency, burn, baby, burn. if people didn't consider this a pressing issue before, they sure do now. last

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hello! hello, ladies and gentlemen of. please have a seat, everybody. thank you very much. thank you so much. welcome, welcome one and all to the late show, i'm your host, stephen colbert. now, ladies and gentlemen-- ( cheers and applause ) we tape this show earlier in the day, and i want to let you know, shortly before i came out here tonight, we learned of the unspeakable shooting in uvalde, texas today. and while we can add our prayers for the dead... there is nothing that can ever be said that can approach the immeasurable grief of those families. but while we're at it, let's pray that this time our leaders show a modicum of courage in trying to prevent this from ever happening again. but prayers won't end this. voting might. so, when you vote, ask yourself this question: who, running for office, has publicly stated that they are willing to do anything and everything in their power to protect your children from the criminally insane number

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, my lord. thanks for being here. i like it. look casual tonight. sell the photos. best-dressed list. best dressed, baby. hey! how are you? thank you! i like it. ♪ ♪ ♪ hello! happy tuesday. hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. hello, one and all. wecome, everybody, welcome, everybody, to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( applause ) well, (bleep), you know what gh're gonna be talking about i wantedbe talking about the met gala and their theme of "the glamour of the gilded age." instead, i've got to talk about another group of out-of-touch people in crazy outfits pretending that it's 1895: the supreme court. because last night, we found o out-- ( applause ) >> jon: strap in. strap in. >> stephen: last night, we found out, according to a leaked draft of the majority opinion, the supreme court has voted to overturn "roe v. wade." when i heard this last night, at first i was shocked. then i was shocked that i

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york , cityit s'stephen colbert! ( cheers and auspplae ). >> stephheen: y,h wat's up? rfpeect! peect! ( cheendrs a alappuse ) l we'lgeitt .we 'lgel t it.he y! >>ud aience: steenph! stn!ephe >> stephen: thankves, eryone. that's nice. heo,ll mark. heo,ow h are you? heup tre. overe he.r ♪ ♪ ♪ thank you. kveryind. plseha, ve a seat.th anyok u. very nice. seplea, veha a seat, everybody. k thanyoveu ry much. up hree, down here, out there, arall ou tndhe world. omwelce "tothe late show." want to say hi talo l my fans inex mico city, rioght ffh te top. ( rschee a andpplause ). the eryou go. there yoou g. broadcasting lvie to mexico city. i yr ouhost, stepholen cbe.rt folks, i t tryo vener lose sight ofhe t fact that hg avinonofe these show as is pforouund privilegote, n jt usto tell jokes-- ha hbua-- t itonform tyou,heub plic. that is a sacred trust. annod one in lateht nig gesiv you thdte mierprm imaries in five states in mid-may like eth te aamt "the late ."show this is: >> "elec ntionig ihtn 10% of amic'2a 2." >> senteph:

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, here we go. coming around the... portside. thank you very much. as you were. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) what's up, frankenstein? ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! welcome, one and all, in here, out there, down here, up there, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladieses and gentlemen-- ( cheers and applause ) it was just-- just a beautiful day. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: just a beautiful day here in new york city, the big city of dreams. the city that never sleeps rested a bit easier last night, because yesterday, the n.y.p.d. arrested subway shooter suspect frank james after it got-- ( cheers and applause ) feels nice! you don't have to worry about your kids on the subway or anything. they arrested him after they got a tip on its crime stoppers hotline. you know the number: ♪ 800-588- 2300 ♪ crime stop! ♪ ( laughter ) that is not the number. whoever-- ( laughter ) w

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! some shiny pants, man! hey, everybody! welcome, welcome, one and all to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, it's 4/20. and you know what that means. that's right, it's national lima bean respect day! that's right! the world's most respectable edible! today's all about getting baked... beans. remember, you don't have to like lima beans today. but you damn sure better respect them. you take off your hat when you eat that bean, mister! beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you salute! ( laughter ) ( applause ) now... i'm serious. as we always don this solemn day, let's take a look at the official lima bean respect day timeline. as you can see, in the 1500s, lima beans are discovered. next major event-- 2000s: national lima bean respect day. ( laughter ) just those two. just those two. they spent the 500 years in between getting shoved under the mashed pot

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i was late. i'm sorry. i was late. i was late. i was late. i missed-- good to see you. hey, how's it going? hi, happy-- happied with. please have a seat, everybody. thank you very much. very kind. welcome one, welcome all to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) lovely to be in here with all of these beautiful people here this evening. you out there. i've never met most of you out watching the show in tv land. but i'm guessing, like me, you're still trying to process yesterday's mass shooting in uvalde, texas. if you're heartbroken and you're frustrated, you're not alone. americans have witnessed gun tragedy after gun tragedy, and while it can be argued there are many reasons, we all know the biggest reason for the tragedy is the gun. right now, the united states has approximately 400 million firearms, which is more than 40% of the total guns in the entire world. that stat's even more harrowing considering w

and now, l-i-i-ive on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) stz hey, hey, wow, i missed you. >> stephen: now this is good enough but i can't imagine what it is going to be. i can't wait to see the pictures. hey, everybody. hey, everybody. welcome, please have a seat, thank you very much, you're very kind, hello mark, good to sigh, welcome one and all, down here, up there, high and away. welcome ladies and gentlemen, my dear friends, my countrymen. welcome to the late show, i'm your host stephen colbert. and i-- that's it. (applause) . >> jon: alive and well. >> stephen: that's it. >> jon: alive and well. >> stephen: and i am back, baby. now you may have read in the you new england journal of hot goss," last week i had covid. i'm very grateful that i am fully vaxxed and boosted. feeling fine. &-p. >> stephen: but still, thank you science, thank you science. but still, covid is no fun. the first three days sucked. but by day 6, i was testing negative, and now on day twelve, i'm back with a serious head cold. so go fig

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ) >> stephen: hello! hello! watch this-- hello! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, hey! hey! >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) look at that! welcome. welcome, one and all. hey, please have a seat, everybody. thank you very much. welcome, welcome, down here, up there, all around the world, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. well... ( cheers and applause ) it's been, what? it's been 48 hours, let's say, and america is still reeling from monday's leaked supreme court decision overturning "roe v. wade." it-- it came out of nowhere. because, with inflation, and the pandemic, and rising fascism, and ukraine, this wasn't exactly an issue on the front burner right now. in fact, back in 2021, a gallup poll asked what people thought the most important problem facing the u.s. was, and fewer than half of 1% answered, abortion. by march of 2022, that number was zero. clearly, after 50 turbulent years, "roe" was finally n