that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? this telethon's gonna be a big success. well, i hope so, art. oh, here comes my co-chairman now. maudie findlay, this is dr. jamison, oh... the director of the gallbladder foundation. tell him what a great show we've got. he's a little nervous about the show. oh, doc, that's show biz, opening-night jitters. but like gallstones, this too shall pass. mrs. findlay, are we going to have "big stars?" of course we are! to begin with, we've got euell gibbons. oh, arthur, honey, i'm sorry. euell couldn't make it. no, he's back home in minnesota with a severe case of poison oak. got hold of a bad tree. ( inaudible ) yeah, but let me tell you who we will have, i mean a really top entertainer. are you ready? star of stage, screen and television-- mark spitz. g to drink a glass of milk on this very stage. you can thank me for that. mark owed me a favor. i gave his manager a double-discount on a hernia. "a double-discount," doctor? it was a double-hernia, doctor. oh. walter? excuse me, have you se

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? there will absolutely not be steak and kidney pie with mashed potatoes. we are having broiled trout and a salad with diet dressing. hon', that's really amusing. remind me to give you a raise. oh, thank you. when does it start? when hell freezes over. got any idea what's bothering walter? oh, no, but i'm sure it has to do with money. i--i--i...you know, he's--he's just-- he's just not himself. and he says, "nothing, maude, "except we have to cut down on expenses." then he runs around the house, turning off the lights and stuffing his face. it's like being married to an owl with a tapeworm. walter, darling. why are all the lights on? because it's nighttime. that's no excuse. nobody understands me. we gotta cut down on expenses. ( garbled ) every time i come home... the place is lit up like a christmas tree! i talk and talk and nobody listens. walter, must you talk with your mouth full? and another thing, maude. it's like a furnace in here. can't we do something about the heat? it's cost

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? ( door creaks ) ( snorting ) ( door slams ) maude, there's a prowler in the house. get up. what are you doing up? prowling. at 3:00 in the morning? i'm sorry, walter, these are the peak hours for prowlers. well, i got a big day at the store tomorrow. the matter? no, nothing-- uh, just a touch of insomnia. you go back to sleep. you never once had trouble sleeping in the six years we've been married. and for the four months before that. that's three months, walter, don't brag. just go to sleep, and i'll be there in a few minutes. actually, walter, i do have something to tell you. you see, sweetheart... ( snoring ) ohh! ahh! re you doing? screaming in pain. what happened? oh, nothing. i was plucking my eyebrows and got hold of a hair with the longest root in the world. come on, maude-- the longest root, walter. i'll be on my feet from early morning till late at night. you know i can't get to sleep until you come to bed. all right. all right, all right, all right, walter. i'll come to bed

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? c'mon, maude. finish your makeup and let's get outta here. oh, maude! don't be depressed. you look beautiful! i do, don't i? now, i suppose, actually, i should be thrilled. i mean, here i am, 46, i don't look a day over 41. sweetheart, you're 48. then i don't look a day over 43. ( china smashing ) what is that? that! that must be carol and chris fooling around. yes, walter! that's me and chris foolin' around! see? well, i wish they'd fool around with each other and keep their hands off my crystal. oh, honey. listen. since it is my birthday, walter, will you promise me something? of course, sweetheart. what? honey, tonight, for a change, will you talk to me? will you stay with me? oh, mau-- now, walter. every time we go to a party, the men end up on one side of the room and the women on the other. honey, tonight, talk to me. stay with me, walter. okay, maude. i won't move from your side all night. anything your little heart desires. walter, dear, i'd like to point out to you that is no

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? mother, i don't understand. you hired a housekeeper, site unseen? ency said that this woman is a gem, a treasure. carol, i can hardly wait for her to get here. mm-hmm... is she black? no. the agency was fresh out. no, but this woman is not only a fantastic housekeeper, she's supposed to be a fab-- ( doorbell rings ) that's mrs. naugatuck! mrs. who? close your mouth, walter, and try to look intelligent. coming! findlay residence? yes. this is from mrs. naugatuck. carol, honey, would you do me a favor and take that up to the guest room? guest room? sign here. maude, we're not getting sleep-in help, are we? sweetie, don't worry. you won't even know she's in the house. sign right there. maude, why didn't you ask me before you hired sleep-in help? walter, i tried to bring up the subject the other night after dinner, and you said, "that's your department, maude. "do whatever you want, maude. and then you burped and fell asleep. you know i can't stand a stranger sleeping in the house, maude.

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? ( sucks ) ( sucks ) walter, are you gonna smoke that pipe or play it? ( sucking ) it's clogged. ( sucking ) where... ( sucking ) ( sucking ) where are my... ( sucking ) where are my... out with it, walter! where are your ( sucking ) what? my pipe cleaners. how should i know where your pipe cleaners are. maude, i need something long and fuzzy to clean my pipe. maybe you'll like me to starch your caterpillar. all right, maude, i won't smoke my pipe. ( loud clinking ) walter, will you stop?! you're driving me up the wall! it's only been a week since i took up pipe smoking. you'll get used to it. never, walter. never. carpet. furthermore, your mustache is beginning to turn yellow. it's like kissing a molting canary. for crying out loud! a man can't even enjoy a pipe! i mean, what's wrong with that? i've given up cigarettes and i've quit drinking. what other pleasures are there? which reminds me, walter, you seem to have given that up, too. i'll tell you what i'm talking about, walter find

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? for crying out loud, maude, what did you do with my suspenders? because you always put things where i can't find them! always, maude! you always put things where i can't find them! you're right, walter. and i'm sorry, sweetheart. actually, if you want your suspenders, you'll find them hanging off the roof. i find them very handy for washing the basement and second story windows at the same time. - maude... - i'm sorry, honey. i'll help you find them. you know, we're gonna be late. - i'm gonna miss all the guest celebrities! - come on-- body who's anybody is gonna be there tonight. durward kirby, pupi campo, carmelita pope, arlene francis, the entire panel from what's my line? oh, you don't care if i miss all the fun. pupi campo? tsk... well, go on! i can't! get moving, francie. - what are you waiting on? - ( sobs ) hinkley, would you cool it? it ain't gonna be easy to outtalk maude findlay. she's the world's champ. she's got a bigger mouth than muhammad ali. okay, but just make sure y

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? unfair? walter, what would you say about a man who when his wife leans over to kiss him good morning says, "not now, not before i've had my coffee." please, maude. this is not a movie. when robert redford wakes up and leans over and kisses barbra streisand before he's had his coffee, he's only doing it because they're paying him a million dollars. a million dollars for robert redford? money well spent. v-8 juice, sir-- starts the day with that extra little morning dash. i've already had my morning dash. yeah, right past me. my, isn't he in a bloody awful mood? mrs. naugatuck, you'll have to excuse mr. findlay. i woke up on the wrong side of his bed this morning. no, mum, if there's a man in your room, there is no wrong side of the bed. is would be without women. yeah, it would be worth it oh hello, carol. hello, vivian. good-bye, vivian. and burn the joy of sex for mother. oh, carol, i've read the joy of sex. if you're gonna burn it, memorize it first. ha ha ha ha! oh, maude! what a glorious

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? where they always are, sweetheart. lost. come on, maude. you know i always keep my reading glasses in the desk drawer. now, what happened to them? i bet you florida moved them. you know she's been behaving very strangely lately. i think it's change of life. you think everything's change of life. has to be something. you know, the other day when she did the laundry she put starch in my bra. you gotta be kidding. no. yesterday, i walked around all day pointing at the ceiling. something is definitely happening th florida. something in her mind! now that you mention it, the other morning, she spilled hot coffee down on my leg. boy, did it hurt? did you ever wear a starched bra? maude, my glasses! how am i gonna read the morning paper? forget about it. it would only depress you. i mean, the way things are going today, i wouldn't put a newspaper in the bottom of a bird cage. oh? maude's car is conked out in the driveway, and i don't think you'll be able to get to work today. okay. now, what

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? ? it's impossible ? ? for maude findlay to go braless ? evening, maude. oh, hi, honey. ( clucking ) sweetheart, i haven't seen you all day. don't i rate a kiss? not now, maude. ever since lunch, i've had a caraway seed stuck in my-- in my back tooth that's driving me crazy. where's the dental floss? you know, i can never find anything in that cabinet. honey, it's on the right-hand side. i always very carefully put everything pertaining to dental hygiene in the same place. since when? since the morning you gargled with my lydia pinkham. oh, and honey--honey, would you hurry it up? arthur's dropping by and i invited barry over for cocktails. barry? barry witherspoon? not barry witherspoon. you can't mean barry witherspoon, maude, not again, not again! i knew you'd be pleased. that conceited, pompous windbag is coming over again tonight? she's gone to the dog show with her dog, chuck since when does she enter chuck in dog shows? she doesn't, dear. chuck likes to watch. leave it to vivian t

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? come on, now. it's all right to take it out on me what happened. well, first, all i had was a soggy tuna sandwich for dinner, but could i even enjoy that? no! because there was some 200-pound matron who was deciding whether she wanted a washer-dryer in guava yellow or pistachio green. incidentally, she was one of only five customers that walked into the store all day today. the fifth was a wino who stumbled in to use my facilities... and wound up using the pistachio green washer-dryer. tell me, walter, was the wino a short man? yes. well, you see, if you'd taken my advice and ordered the model that loads from the top, that wouldn't have happened. anyway, sweetheart, i know you're in a rotten mood-- you're in a rotten mood, but i'm not gonna let it upset me, because once i tell you this bit of news, you are going to be in the best mood ever. guess what doctor who's your best friend and his wife are just back from their honeymoon and are coming over to play bridge tonight? honey, arthur

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? carol, i need your help. ree hours before the party. but mother, you'll never guess how much i paid for-- oh, lord, my nails are a mess. here, carol, buff this. mother, i-- buff, carol, buff! you'll find silver polish in the den. by the way, mother, i'm three months pregnant. carol, i don't care what you do at the office. when you're home, you work. now, scooch. walter, are you still here?! maude, will you calm down? it's just a little party. a little pa--you call a sit-down dinner for 12 people "a little party"? for crying out loud, maude, it isn't even your party, it's vivian's! what are you doing all this for? because poor vivian is a nervous wreck! as anyone would be when her husband calls at 4:00 in the afternoon and says, "oh, by the way, dear, there'll be 12 extra for dinner tonight," and then hangs up. mmm. all that work for royalty certainly paid off. oh, where did you get this fabulous recipe? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. now is the time to find

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? oh, florida, i'm so excited. tle black girl's room. look--records, stuffed animals-- you'll notice the color of the puppy. and here is the piece de resistance. a poster of isaac hayes. they say that john denver is very big now, too, but unfortunately, he's white. oh, poor devil. with us, you know, here we are the first family to take a minority child to stay with us on. with us leading the way, florida, this entire white neighborhood will very soon be sprinkled with little black faces like flowers. yeah. up to now, i've been the only one-- a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. hello, walter. hiya, baby! hey, walter! you're the only one who doesn't seem to be having any problem. you getting oil from the arabs? hi, grandpa. hi, phillip. grandma, who stole my record player? phillip, nobody stole your record player. grandma put it in the guest room. but it's my record player. honey, we know it's your record player, but we want our guests to be happy, don't we? not necessarily. philli

andhen the's maud compromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but anquilizin' ? all: ? rht on maude! ? caro i didn't hear what florida said. did she call the cleaners? eighteen times, mother. they said he's on s way. maude, have en? i've looked upstairs, i can't find them downstairs. i know, walter. one ngs ) ( rings ) hello? oh, hello, grace. uh, listen--no, i--gce, pleaar, de i know, grace. i know, grace. i know, grace. grace robes- her hud got her in a terrible mess. ought he die he did die. that's how he got her in a terrible mess. something about his wi. i know, grace. i know, grace. i ow, grace. that darn cleaner, he was supposed to be here at 2:00 this afternoon withess.dr i'll just have to wear something different. listen, viv, i do value your opinion, so? well, oh and threen vvet makes me look like a lumpy snooker table. the biggest night of my life, and i look a mess! a mess! maude, i can't find my studs anyplace! where'd you hide them? walter, you had them earlier. did you check yokets did i check my pockets? did i check pock... that's a good boy. hi, beautiful! chris! mwah.

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? that i came over here to humble myself and beg him to come home! then why on earth did you come? to humble myself and beg him to come home. right. well, it's up to you to make the first move, maudie. after all, walter warned you that he'd walk out if you accepted that bid to run for the state senate. arthur! arthur quincy harmon. maude has spent all her 49 years being a housewife and mother. right, maude? right, viv. and although she's loved doing it, now she has the chance to stretch herself, to test her abilities for the very first time, to run for the state senate! and this may be her very last chance, arthur! when you're as old as maude-- time! oh, maude, i'm sorry. all right. now, come on, maude. for the sake of your marriage, you've got to face walter. oh, but vivian, i can't. but you promised me, as your best friend, that you would come to this place, and ring that doorbell, and say to walter, "i love you. please, accept me the way i am." "i love you. please, accept me the way

that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? are you home already? mother, why are you so upset? i'm not upset. i'm just terribly annoyed because i wasted an entire afternoon. i'll tell you why she's so upset. she's upset because of the four things that psychic predicted are going to happen to her. ( chuckles ) oh! first, she's going to get a phone call from a mysterious stranger. oh, come on. now, vivian, that's one right out of "the beginner's gypsy handbook." is going to suffer a severe emotional trauma. vivian, everybody close to me suffers severe emotional trauma. third, she's going to receive some good news. and fourth-- carol, i want you to hear this. imagine telling me, who has been married four times, that i'm going to be married a fifth time. ha ha ha! ha ha ha! ke that happening to me? yes. and to think i got you your first training bra. and then you broke training. your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with li