- hey fella, fella, don't complain. there's a guy out there who's gonna face a firing squad. - face a firing squad? what did he do? - he walked out in the middle of a dolores del rio picture. (audience laughs) - look, fella, you cannot do this to me. they're not gonna keep me in jail do you fellas know any lawyer around here? - don't ask us, we're new here. - there's a fella over there. maybe he would know one. oh, mister, mister? are you awake? - s?. (audience laughs and applauds) - may i talk to you? - s?. - are you familiar with this place? - s?. (audience laughs) - what's your name? - si. (audience laughs) - si? - [si] s?. - do you know where there's a good lawyer? - s?. (audience laughs) - well, is he near here? - s?. (audience laughs) - who is it? - me. (audience laughs) - you? - s?. (audience laughs) - some lawyer, how long have you been in jail? - i've been in this jail for 40 years. - you've been here 40 years? - s?. - well, where do ya come from? - cleveland. (audience laughs) - cleveland? - ohio. (audience la

jimmy cracked corn and-- - fellas, fellas, fellas! (explosion) (audience yells in surprise) - fellas, fellas, i'm sorry. if i told my producer once, i told him a thousand times, when we do a sketch, don't use a real bomb. (applause) - hey, dickie, you know that i can just see it in tomorrow's headlines in the papers: "bennys bomb smothers brothers". (laughs) (audience laughs) - yeah. (applause) - [voiceover] jack will be back in just a minute - thanks, boys, thanks very much for being on the show. - yeah, you know, you know, this is one of the dirtiest shows i've ever been on. (audience laughs) (applause) ("love in bloom") - [voiceover] from hollywood, the jack benny program! (relaxed music) - thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show. you know, i'm quite excited tonight, because i just found out that our program and naturally in these foreign countries we have different sponsors than we have here. like, for instance, in mexico our show is sponsored by a company that makes a tamale cooked in wine sa

(audience laughs) - say, listen, fellas, who's the professor in this class? - oh, he's new here this year. i don't know his name, but he's supposed to be a great chemist. - oh, is he? - [jim] hey, here comes the professor now. (audience laughs) - good morning, meine damen and herren. i am professor henreich von kraussmeyer. but i want to get one thing straight right from the outset. there will be no nonsense among members in this class. you will see we got a very diverse (unintelligible). we have to speed up the education. oh, but when i call on you in this class, we make every second count. when i call on you, i want each one of you to stand up and tell us what the cutest thing what happened to you during your summer vacation. (audience laughs) - professor, this is a chemistry class. and i'd like to ask you a question. - do you believe it? that's what i like, a student with a little curiosity. - how do you define the reciprocal of the logarithm of the hydrogen ion concentration of a solution? - and you would like me to answer that. - [bob] yes. - ah, i've go

yes, sir, i'm gonna let you live to noon, big fella. but boy, you can buy your life anytime in between with that money. but after afternoon, there ain't nothin' gonna save you. christ, sure do hope you change your mind, to the president. all right, lawman. did he get mr. cochran's money? nope. you surprised? surprised? i was when he knew i had it. you don't think i told him? who else knew? you still think you can get by that guard? i could ride a horse by him. suppose i gave you the chance, got his attention to something else. i'd like to save as many of these people as possible. what's more important, somebody's got to stop that train. train not stop for indian. what happens to whites, i no care. get ready to tribal. at your hate ain't as big as you think it is. hello, little man. where's your pretty sword? what do you mean? well, you and your boys like to play at being grown up. i just thought it was about time you played with your little sword again. you think we're little boys? shooting me won't change my mind. any five-year-old kid

it's a good thing the army's got you fellas. them soldier boys would never find their way tory if they didn't. - yeah, i guess-- - hey, i remember back in '61. it was this here troop, uh, b troop-- uh, yeah, you told us, buckshot. we heard that one before. what's new? oh, nothing much. 'cept last night the bank was robbed. hit 'em for every nickel they had. old brad farnum got run down by a horse. brad farnum? - was he hurt bad? - killed him. killed him dead. he never had a chance. man was a good friend of yours, wasn't he? - that's right. - that's what i thought. you boys gonna be in town long? right now, it's kinda hard to say. - well, take it easy, buckshot. - so long, smitty. and he might be limping some if buckshot winged him like he says. - shouldn't be too hard to spot. - nope. i ain't one to tell you your duty. but if i was you, i'd just purely-- as long as he's in the clear. you sure he crossed the border? yes. i was chasing him when he did it. i'd give a year's pay to get my hands on him. maybe you will. when he comes

look, why don't you fellas deal me out of the next one? you see, i have to run upstairs for a minute. don't go up there and stay too long because i think rollo want to go up there and flush his self to death. ha ha ha. very funny. that was good. hey, wait a minute. take that money with you. oh, i trust everybody. uh-uh. listen, it's better to be safe than sorry and broke. this has got to be the luckiest dude in the world, man. to $15. i lost 10 myself, man. yeah, me, too. 25 bucks i lost. julio: oh, man. sheez. hey, man, nobody's that lucky. i'm gonna go over there and get some more money and get back in the game. wait a minute, son. wait a minute, son. ain't no use. i might as well tell you. there's something i want to tell you about my friend al. hey, man, i knew it. cat's been cheating. fred: no. wait a minute. hey, man, wait a minute. well, bring him. wait a minute. and i invited him here tonight just to teach you guys that y'all wasn't so smart and everything with your hotshot gambling. but he-- you mean to tell me that you and al had

hey, fellas! fellas, fellas, listen! (typing on a typewriter) - [mel] bobby done it. - [bobby] no, mel done it. - [mel] no bobby, you done it. - [bobby] no, you done it. - you both done it! (audience laughter) - either way, they did a great ... you know, i know that bob hope will love this script. - well, i don't know why he'd love it. you've got all the jokes. don't you think you ought to at least give a couple of them to bob? - well, why should i? this whole thing about the record was my idea. heaven's sakes. i can't wait to get over to bob's house tomorrow and put this on a record. (lighthearted music) gee, i didn't know bob had such a big house. where's the recording room? - [butler] oh, we're coming to that now, sir. (audience laughter and applause) - thank you, thank you. now, how long is this transfer good for? (audience laughter) - oh, today only, sir. - oh, oh. - [man] hello, mr. benny. - hello. - we're all set up here, so we can start recording just as soon as mr. hope comes down. - oh, fine. well, i brought my

easy, fella. back. you're all right. you're all right. you're all right. you're among friends, remember? the man told youou can you tell us your n ne? your name? my name? yes. my namam.. my name... it's... i don't know. do you remember what happened to you? do you remember where you're from? i don't know. i don't know! easy, now, easy. take it easy. ( labored breathing ) what's the matter? hey! major. i fixed him up a good, thick broth. well, that's fine. i'll get a pot. don't! it's blazing hot! hey, fella, listen, you can't t ink that that fast! it'll kill you! poor man! rest of it! ow! god! now, wait a minute! wait a minute! he may be out of his mind, but there's sure nothing wrong with his teeth. poor devil. well, i'd better get back out on the trail. major: make sure you scout that canyon, will you? we've already lost a day. no! what's wrong? you can't go there! you can't t there! he can't! he-- he can't go there! he can't go there! he can't! sit down, sit down, sit down. get out of here, ellen. sit down, now, you're all right. listen to me, you're all

had this fella fishing on it... and it had this big crab hooked to the seat of his pants and it said on the card "boy, they sure are biting down here." ( laughing ) pretty good, huh, andy? yeah, i always like a good crab joke. well, you still didn't tell us why you missed the bus. well, then i went looking for a post office and that was about a half a mile away from the bus station. and by the time i got back, the bus had left. well, virgil, that card won't get here till day after tomorrow and you're here already. you could have brought it yourself. oh, yeah. andy: well, let's get on back to town. you got to watch them things, virg. ( door buzzer buzzing ) i'll get it, aunt bee. well, howdy, boys. come on in the house. aunt bee, opie this is barney's cousin virgil from new jersey. well, how do you do? my, don't you boys look nice. yeah, boy. don't they? all dressed up. and i'll finish the table. you all make yourselves at home. i'll help you, aunt bee. come on, everybody. let's eat. barn, you sit over there. opie, y

i suppose you mean that fella at the hotel? why not? look, people come here to the city to shop for things they can't get back home. all right -- we do the same thing. k one up here. well, let's go back to the hotel and eat supper and forget about our problems. ( piano playing quietly ) we better get us a waiter or somebody to tell us what these french words mean. all you have to do is point out somethin'. that way you don't let out that you don't understand. oh, no. that's too chancy. you point out's bound to be good. besides, you can learn a few new words. no. i don't like to gamble like that, barn. besides, a little plain talk never hurt anybody. uh... don't do that, andy. you'll embarrass me. he'll think you're just a plain hick. well, barney, there's worse things than bein' a plain hick. like bein' a hungry one. uh, have you got a nice steak on here somewheres? a steak-- certainly, monsieur. good. let me have a steak and, uh, uh, a baked potato and green beans. thank you. i'll have that. escargot. and that. very good, monsieur. tha

ben, the least you could do is to go talk with the fella... have a look at his place and talk to him. i don't wanna talk to anybody. now, if you will talk to him... i'm not buying out any more businesses and i'm quit hiring any more salesmen. you've got to get him out of here, andy. now, now, now, ben... you can't do this to me. you and me made a deal. now you wanna double-cross me by settin' up another business. [indian music playing] [indian music playing] gabrielle (offscreen): india is so different, and yet there's this connection, too, you know? it's so exotic, so mysterious, so-- look! xena (offscreen): maybe that's india's way rolling out the red carpet. that's got to hurt. india is completely different. gabrielle (offscreen): it's such a strange place. it's-- -well, it ain't greece.

make it light. - hello, miller. - that big fella find you? big fella? yeah. he's here looking for you. you mean the one that works for dembro? [gun barrel ticking] i've been looking for you. your boss said that i was to collect from you for the horses. (swallow) 'sure.' what do you figure we owe you? twenty head at $10 a piece. two hundred. plus time on the trail. i figure 300's about right. i'd say you and your horses together ain't worth more than a plugged nickel. you're entitled to your opinion but i got my mind set on $300. it's right here. [gunshots] - that was good shooting. - had to be. i never seen anything like it in my life. - 'me either.' - 'he asked for it.' you're witness that i took just $300. that's right. - just a minute. - 'let's get him out of here.' joining together. all we small ranchers. well, i'm for it. and me. let john dembro know it. tell him we'll meet in the cattleman's hotel tonight. he'll be glad to hear that. guess i'd best go find the sheriff. [chattering indistinctly] (male #2) 'things are gonna be different now.' anybody who

hi, there, young fella. hi. nice car. thanks. well, if, uh, you officers will excuse me, i'm going to cut out. i just, uh, stopped to check my tires. you, uh... you always drive around with celery in your car? i happen to like celery. that's nice. now all you have to do is sideswipe a salt truck you'll be all set, won't you? p. much obliged. don't do that. let's run him in, andy. you take him. i'll take charge of the crime car. crime car?! i've got to be in miami by... if it's not too much trouble, may i see your driver's license? this is a real drag. i promise not to get it dirty. let's have it. "ronald bailey. 19." running trucks off the road, ain't it? he wasn't off the road. look, what's it going to take to square with old macdonald, huh? how much? well, come on. how much-- 50, 100 bucks? well, come on. i want to get going. leaving the scene of an accident is a serious offense. there could've been somebody hurt in that truck. nobody was hurt, and nobody is going to be hurt if we just drop the whole thing. wait. what was that

[humming] well, fellas, i'm sorry, but the time has come. let's see. a little of this... and this... and this... lamont: this way, smitty. it's right over here. and not as a policeman or in your official capacity. i'm just gonna come right out and be honest with you and tell you it's gone. what's gone? officer smith, i think we should be a bit more official about this inquiry. now, uh, what's gone? it was parsley. it was a wheelbarrow. huh? a wheelbarrow. parsley. it was a wheelbarrow full of parsley. wheelbarrow... full of parsley. well, i guess whoever it belonged to must've come and taken it away, so it was a false alarm. now, now, now, wait. why would anyone put parsley in a wheelbarrow? i guess they wanted to make deliveries. make... all right. now, did we establish that the wheelbarrow was full of parsley? no, partially. partially full or partially parsley? partially parsley. partially...parsley. possibly. parsley. probably. probably possibly partially parsley. now... what i'm try-- oh, smitty and hoppy. hey, rollo. hey, how you doin', grady? fine. why, just in time

say, is that fella you were talking about still over at your place? well the one who was cutting up all your firewood. well if he's as good a worker as you say he his, i'd like to hire him. would you do that? (audience laughter) thank you mrs. watkins. goodbye. bud: say mom, i was going to cut up that firewood. margaret: but when? it's been two weeks since we've had our trees topped. and how much firewood have you chopped? one skinny little branch. bud: it wasn't so skinny. margaret: you just stall around, never finish anything. well how do you expect to win if you won't even write a speech? bud: well, my pencil broke. (audience laughter) margaret: don't you want to win? it's a wonderful prize the winner gets. a trip to washington d.c. bud: oh sure i want to win. but i can't compete with those geniuses in a contest. margaret: well how do you know if you won't try? here, at least work on it. seems to me that when a boy gets a wonderful opportunity like ... kathy? where are you taking that dish cloth? kathy: i'm trying to get rid of these warts. and bur

but this fella, he's got some money i don't mind taking back. and i mean to take it. - ease up, clyde. so you went over the saddle. it slows the hand. get outside. outside! - if you're looking for some land to buy, i have a section you might care for. we will see you in town. - no, drop by the house. you'll meet my wife. ?? - [narrator] what if you had a medical emergency away from home? - my chest hurts, i can't breathe. - [narrator] what you need is mobilehelp, but with mobilehelp, you get help outside the home with coverage nationwide on one of the largest cellular networks at the press of a button. - i couldn't dial 911 because i was out of it. i just pushed the button and when i woke up i was in the hospital. - i don't have to worry about if i'm near help or if i even know where i am. i have mobilehelp, they know where i am. - i have a number of health issues. they would not know what your issues are. mobilehelp has all that on file, so the emergency responders already know what my needs are. - there are things i wouldn't do if i didn't hav

you're in trouble, fella-- big trouble! okay, buddy, you just threw away any chance you had for leniency. you're in trouble is what you are! andy, it was all my fault. i shouldn't have agreed to go back up there. and i couldn't take a chance on rafe gettin' hurt. i mean, i figured it was better if me and you went up later and took him in one piece. and we're goin' to have to take him... me and you. we can't have rafe shootin' at people. let's go get him. but, andy, he's a mad dog, a killer! well, now, don't make rafe out to be a monster. i'm sure we'll bring him in without any trouble. i'll go get the car ready. we better get right up there. okay. aren't you even going to take a gun? well, no, i don't figure on doin' any shootin'. don't you get hurt up there. i won't. be back after awhile. be careful, andy. you're a sitting... see?! he's a mad dog! stay back, andy. don't use that tone of voice to me, rafe hollister and put that gun down! don't come no closer, andy. i'll shoot! i mean it! well, dog-gone it, andy, what'd you

there was another fella with him. now, i didn't see him board the train, but the e her fella isn't with him now. so i guess he's the one they found back alongside the track. he's lying. i tell you, he's lying. i guess you're the one we're looking for. get your hands off me! this is no concern of yours, mister. - hello, pop. - hi. you still got my horse and saddle here? you left it here, didn't you? oh, that's quite a greeting. i've been gone for a month and you act like i just walked around the corner. all the time i know you, i don't figure i don't have to say i'm glad to see you. i see pig got t mself another prisoner. looks kinda yoyog. well, he was old enough to take a swing at pig down at the station. he hit him? not enouou to hurt him. that's too bad. what'd the kid do? well, pig says he killed a pinkerton agent. now, what'd the boy want to go and do that for? don't he know the pinkertons posted $200 reward for the arrest or conviction of anybody k kling an agency man? ( laughs ) you don't plan on collecting tha

- please, fellas, i try to run a peaceful bar. if you wanna keep it that way, tellllravo and his friends to find someplace else to drink. there's another bar in town. all of a sudden i like this one very much. it is so friendly. that door swings both ways, cowboy. see if that ain't right! [clattering] now, get before i turn y y hair-side in. [thud] [clattering] [thud] let's keep it one to one. [thud] [glass shatters] [clattering] [grunts] [clattering] [woman shrieks] [thud] who is that big fella? [grunts] [grunting] [thud] [indistinct chattering] i think my friend and i ordered a drink. [grandiose music] - good evening. - hello. what's the stew made of? for ten cents extra, we'll tell you. i'll have coffee and a piece of pie. - 'what kind?' - blueberry. no. peach? cook don't make nothin' but apple. alright, i'll have apple then. we're out of apple. bring you a nice bowlwlf stew. why not? i'll make it short. i saw you in that fight this afternoon. - would you like a job? - thanks, i already got one. - cowboy? - trail boss. helpin'

howdy, fellas. ( all mumble ) gone already, huh? i told you that little ol' girl wouldn't last 24 hours. imagine her thinking anybody in mayberry would let a girl cut their fingernails and paint 'em and all. ain't that a laugh? why, i'd no more think... uh, howdy. ll and i think you've got a nerve puttin' up a sign sayin' that it is. well, ma'am, i didn't know... excuse me but i distinctly heard you say i wouldn't last more than 24 hours here. just to make sure you're not wrong i'll get my things together and i'll just get back on that bus, and... and i'll just keep on travelin' till i find a town that is friendly. goodbye, mr. lawson. and thank you. sorry it didn't turn out well. i'm real sorry. where you going? i'm going to wait for the bus, if you don't mind. well, uh, that don't seem like very good business to leave when you got a... a customer. i don't see a customer. me. floyd, if your manicurist has got a open appointment why, i'd like to get me a manicure. huh? you mean you would...? well, just a minute, then, andy. get your

you must love this fella armand an awful lot. maybe. maybe i'm just that stubborn. governesses, teachers, my father. maybe, just once, i wanted to to do things my way. just once. make sense? i guess so. flint... yeah? you're pulling out? sun up. didn't i telelyou? bebeuse of me? no, not because of you, jenny. i work here, remember? major adams wants me to scout camp sites about as far at ft. kearney. want company? sorry, i got enough hazards already. ( sighs ) i'll miss you. thanks. good-bye, jenny. save it for armand. tell him... hold up, mccullough. we gotta have a little talk, you and me. what's on your mind, palmer? all right, it's forgotten. the thing is, i was thinking we could be partners, you and me. how do you mean, partners? i know about the girl, you see. what do you know? she's no more your sister than i am. she's that missing heiress-- the one they're all hunting. she is? oh, come now, mccullough. i could handle this alone all right, but then... well, i don't want no trouble, you see. meaning what? we work together, and it

now i gotta bury the poor fella at public expense! well i'm sorry you had to make the trip for nothing. i don't regret a step of the way. like i said at headquarters, knowing is better than not knowing. i guess that's one way of looking at it. a man in my position only has one way of looking at it. well, if you're ready to ride we better get started back. what's the rush? i got a job waiting. well i got one here. the man in there, i don't even know what his name is. that's none of my business. well i can't leave until i talk to teller. well if you ever get down my way, drop in and see me. now wait a minute. this fella, whoever he is has got desmond's wallet on him. that means desmond might be around some place in the vicinity, that's only a guess. besides, i won't always have company, do i'd better get used to it. well, i wish you'd change your mind. thanks for wishing. so long hoby. goodbye mr. beamer. bye. do you know this ed teller? never saw him before he brought the body in. where's he staying now? there's only one place to stay

fellas, fellas, we owe the ladies an apology. we've been ruining their meeting. well, let's all go in there and apologize. [ indistinct conversations ] we'll go and apologize, sweetheart. after you. oh, darrin. darrin! oh! mother. now, i know you're here somewhere. mother, you take the spell off that popcorn! ther! you need $1,000 and you're going to bother people with 75-cent tickets? that's ridiculous! that's the way we've always done it. well, forget it. we'll get you the money, huh? right. ladies, i think it's time we left. no, you don't. you sit right down and we'll show you how it's done. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. all right, men. line up by the phone. here we go. let's go, larry. speaking for myself, this is just a waste of time. maybe we should reconsider the, uh, composition of this committee. popcorn, ladies, please? ooh, thank you. how nice. mmm! [ ding! ] hello, joe? randolph parkinson. some ladies are raising money for playground equipment in the park. i got you down for $100. good! look, i've seen you spend more than that at the country

i realize, betty's the one who will have to decide, but i'm just old-fashioned enough to believe a fella should get - well, ralph, let me put it this way. if the time has come for me to have a son-in-law, i can't think of anyone i'd rather have. but of course marriage isot a thing that you rush into. - oh, i know that, sir! but i've given this a lot of thought and, well, as far as i'm concerned, there just couldn't be anyone but betty. sir, i'm going to ask her tonight. - [voiceover] mother! - uh oh, there she is. excuse me, sir. here goes all or nothing. (cheerful music) - why didn't you mend this thing out in the garage? - oh, too lonely out there. - ever since you got that car the house looks like a junk shop. - well, here you are. - you better show me how to sew it, mom - oh no, you're not going to trap me into that. besides, i have to run next door and get kathy. - oh, ralph, you're just in time to help me with a little repair job. (audience laughs) - no he's not. he came over to talk to me. what was it you wanted to tell me, ralph? - well ... (audience laughs) doou have to iron tha

that fella he was talking about sounds just like-- yeah, i know he does. 'course, he e uld be telling the truth. could be. i've heard about these missing heirs-- takes years to find 'em sometimes. well, we should know by tomorrow, we hit clearwater by dark. i'm gonna take a little ride. you and charlie take over, will ya? clearwater? i'm m outing an indian party. you savvy? i follow ya. i won't be back by morning, so you and charlie get 'em m lling. at happens if these people ask why we quit three hours before dark? just tell 'em that this is the lala good water there is before clearwater. that's right, it is. major, say hello to-- well, just anybody you might run into. jim.m. major adams! jim collins. by gosh, it's good to see ya. that's my boy! seth adams collins, you're my man! ha ha! ( baby crying ) ? we ride a big horse, here we go ? major, you're going to spoil him haha to death. oh, i'm not either. or scare him to death. he's gonna make a fine, big wagon master with those lunun! even a future wagon master has to have his beauty rest. you know, jim c

let's get this fella out of this wagon. now, don't move hihi loie here,ady- octor." "doctor," "lady"--i n't care what you call yourself. i gave in to you last ght against my better judgment, but if you think you're gonna tell me he's sick, all right-- like a sponge. he's just plain drunk. he needs medical attention. if he doesn't get it, he'll get pneumonia. can tell by the color of his skin he has a liver ailment. it might tn into stomach pooning. come on, bill, we've wasted enough time already with this. i'm sorry to have delayed your start. well, if any ofu need med, i am a doctor. lver cek. ( crowd murmuring. imagine--a woman doctor. whoever heard of such a thing? and if she is a doctor, and has to take care of a man... major, i am gointo need your help. that'll be the day. ( chuckling ) what can i do for you, ma'am? to take care of your friend, help me get down off this wagon. now, listen, you'iven me enough aeady. 'd be kind enoughto dve the wag i'm not goa drive this-- i can't attend to your friend ive and dre wagon at the same time ll, go get a driver up here

but to see the expression on the faces of these young fellas. the look of appreciation in their eyes. it made everything worthwhile. and i know exactly how those young fellas felt. gee, i didn't know i was doing that. -i was on the navy. which reminds me of a um-- -on the navy. on the navy? jack how could you make a stupid mistake like that?! who says "on the navy?" -yeah, what do you have to say now? -all i've gotta say is that was not a mistake. -what?! -i said that was not a mistake. -oh come on, jack. we all heard you very distinctly. you said, "on the navy." -and the reason i said it, because it's correct. therefore, i was "on the navy." now shut up, and the meeting's adjourned. (angry chatter) -don't you worry, mr. benny. from now on, we're gonna do our best. -you didn't hear one word i said. -i did too. you said the one on the right is the father. -if it was the bees, i could be sure. -what a crazy kid. oh, rochester! -[rochester] yes, boss!? -get my stuff together, will ya? so we can go home. and this itching is awful. i wonder what's ca

hey, fellas, fiesta time. let's go. >> [speaking spanish] >> i guess they did not pay too much attention. excuse me. fellas, i said wewere going to let's go! took me a while to get their attention. they will be a long. i'm trying to help, victoria. everything is going to be fine. >> fine? [s[saking spanish] >> you took the words right outt of my mouth. ? >> going to get me a whole tub to driri of whiskey. going to celebrate a storm. senorita. >> buenos di[speaking spanish] >> whatt did she say? >> she sai you are the most handsome blulueyed man in the whole town. >> how do you say you are the most beautiful senorora? >> i've got a mean what he thinks it means. >> what did i do wrong? >> >> you just cannot please some people. >> come on, we've got some >> only thing i like better is money. >> three days, three glorious days, we celebrate peace. >> say it once againthis time >> [speaking spanish] >> you are sure that means you are a lovely senior rita and i want to see you tonight? >> you have my solemn word. >>

now you fellas listen to me. walt, hold up your head. t me when i'm talking to you. the best you'll get with me is a new start in life. the worst, you already got. now tomorrow morning at eleven forty five we ride into that town. ?? yeah, i know that. that's his look out now. what about you, connor? anything over your way? frale? he's not in my town. not that i know of. mhm. and there's nothing new over at coleman? (shouting coming from jail cell) joe will you shut that drunk up? (shouting for water) why these drifters always pick on me, i don't know. hey what do you want? a bucket of water on yah? pipe down! and then there's nothing over at coleman huh? uh just that one fake raid. well then that's it. just that one fake raid, and this looking the town over here last tuesday. you figure he's setting you up for a raid? what happened over at your place i'd say yes. but i'll admit to yah, i just can't figure it. only that it's going to be in this area if he's up to something. and that means me, and you croft, and your two towns. (screams from cell again) and i don't kno

you know, them two fellas s t the itch. mm-hmm. let me tell you somethin', when you want to gamble, get t em that's got the itch bad, cause they ain't careful. and them that ain't careful is prime supper. that sounds reasonable. son, come on. alright. it was a wonderful dinner. i'm thinkin' we'll have to have meals together more often. i'll be in st. louis for a while. well, thank you, but i imagine i'll be pretty busy settling down. lucky man. you've had her to yourself for a whole hour. real lucky. yeah, you don't need no cupid bow, that arrowows done sprung. -really, gentlemen. -don't mind these jokers. hoot's gonna give me a few poker lessons. don't you think you've played enough cards for one day? why not enjoy the fresh air? aw, gamblin' don't tire me at all. i remember once, when i come out of the woods for 13 months, and i comemen and gambled for five days without a stop. you mean to tell me on that fifth day you could still see the cards? oh, i could see 'em fine. i will admit the cards got a little heavy though. come on,

how can i help you, fellas? detectives larue and washington, we're looking for one of your investigators -- gerald norris. scanlon, where's norris? out. we'll wait. suit yourself. oh, wait. here he is. hey, norris. these detectives want to talk to you. gun! he's got a gun! merry christmas, scumwad. back off. i said, "back off." go ahead, tough guy, blow her brains out. [ whimpering ] don't be an idiot, norris! [ gunshot, woman screams ] woman: he shot himself! [ crying ] so...what did they cook up against you, jefferson? assaulting a superior officer. yeah, well, take the offense, man. hit them with a suit for malfeasance. knock out their artillery before they can get off a single shot. i don't know, man. ll, you may have a point. [ clears throat ] sergeant hunter? ha. before we begin, gentlemen, i would like -- your formal notification, sergeant -- in light of recent meritorious performance in the valentine hostage situation, the board's decided to expedite your restoration to lieutenant in command of the e.a.t

'cause these earthquakes is hard on a fella. i don't understand why people move out here. earthquakes on the coast. 120 degree temperature on the desert. you ought to change the name of california what's a matter, grady? well, it's really nothing much to be concerned about, mr. sanford. he's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance,

it is getting hard to protect her, fellas. it is getting very hard to protect her. very hard to protect her. she is out of control. trump administration

this fella, uh, the fella you're talking about, maybe there's a reward for him or perhaps he owes you some money? he'd sell the coat off his back to the devil-- i promised to give him something if i should find him. was nothing more than that. good night. eh, good night. eh, this fella. what do you think of him with his talk and all? i've got half a suspicion that's he's the very man that's been sent after that informer. or maybe he's the informer hisself. grady. i hope i'm not disturbing you. i thought i'd take a turn in the air. would your father be about? he went to get water. aye. well, the fact of the matter is i came to apologize to him if there was ought i said that sat badly. i meant nothing personal. i'll tell him. and i hope you'll be accepting my apologies, too. sure, i've put it out of me mind already. aye, good. thank you. should you be up and about so soon? well, i'm fine now. but there was a time there when i never thought i'd be sharing a sip of tea again. it's an odd thing about the touch of death on you. nt seem to blow away like dust in the sand. and a day later, it

his partner, a fella named murdoch. gillette walked off with five pounds of gold and left a body that was supposed to be him. fixed is up so murdoch got the blame. nice fella. he takes knowing. day. ( laughs ) something wrong? why don't you tell him? no need for it to come as a surprise. if we're lucky, real lucky, we'll be there friday night, late friday night. well, you'rereust gonna have to make more speed and get there sooner. not with this cargo. i don't care about that cargo. what about my man? we're being paid to deliver this load. nothing stands before it. well, if i don't deliver that man, they're gonna hang a friend of mine, all right, let's get you aboard. why don't you just quit, huh? never learned the word. i got two more days between here and bannach, randall. i don't know when, i don't know where, but somehow, i'm gonna kill you. uh-huh. did you shove him around like that before you shot him, randall, or did you have the edge all time? you're pushing me, luke.. you better hope he's right. yeah? why? becau

(audience laughter) the fella who owns the place is in oxnard. (audience laughter) now, to get on with the show, ladies and gentlemen, last summer i happened to be playing in lake tahoe, and on the bill with me was one of the most exciting young singers that you've ever heard. in fact, his recording of danke schoen, remember that wonderful song, danke schoen, his recording of that sold over 2,000,000 copies, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, wayne newton. (applause) wayne, i was just telling the audience, and i'd like to repeat it right now. how happy i was the time you were on the bill with me at lake tahoe. - thank you very much, mr. benny. - and i want to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, he was actually a sensation there. you know, i can't tell you how many nights he received a standing ovation. nce laughter) - well, the nights the audience gave me a standing ovation, mr. benny, it was because there were more people my age than your age. (audience laughter) - wayne, there are always more people your age than my age. (audience laughter) believe

(horse galloping) woo, woo, woo big fella'. woo, big fella', there. (shot) sorry about that, big fella. - you should be tv star. - oh no, too much pressure, and you have to get up too early. - everything going so wonderful for me. mindy says we only have room enough for two, and we have to find you a place of your own. - my own? you mean i can live alone if i want to? - sure, why not? - well, where i come from, no one lives alone. sharing a room with 60 people is solitary confinement. - must be a long line for the shower. - shower? oh, so many things to learn. so many new experiences for me, disco dancing, dirt bikes, burritos, g as an alien. - you have to register as an alien? - all aliens must do so by january. - i didn't know there was that many of us. - there are thousands, maybe millions. - that's no bid deal, being an alien. - it's big deal if you don't register. it is the law, must! - i wonder why mindy didn't tell me that. - is she alien? - no, caucasian! - well, then she wouldn't know. - think they'll kick me off the planet? - i don't know if

. >> okay, now, folks... [ applause ] uh, our first guest came to us through the attention of a fella by the name of mark garrison who is a reporter in north carolina. and tonight, we're gonna meet flat nose the tree climbing dog, but first we thought you'd like to meet his owner. please welcome barney odum. barney. barney, how are you? >> i'm doing all right. i seen a lotta things. >> saw a lotta things out here? >> i really enjoyed lookin' at. >> you're from the carolinas, are you? because you said "thang" right off, right? >> now, if you can't understand me, you let me know, and i'll talk-- try to talk a little bit plainer. >> i understand you perfectly. i spent-- i spent a lot of time in the south when i was in the service. >> ah. >> they speak a little bit different in carolina than they do in georgia, and it through the south. >> they speak a lot different down here than they do in dovesville. >> that's your hometown, deauville? >> dovesville, d-o-v-e-s-- >> oh, excuse me dovesville. >> d-o-v-- yeah. [ laughter ] we'll get it. >> i just don't have your knack for that, barney. is

she's a wonderful dancer, and all us fellas all right. all right, slim. major. yes, missus-- miss angel. i own my own wagon, and i pay my own way, and unlike some people, i mind my own business. now, if i promise to stay away from the little children, cawith you to san francisco? sonny, where did you know miiss angel from? just runnin' into the train an you here, was so darn glad to see you again tht run off at the mouth, owin' that them two old crows would... answer the major, slim. i knew her of places. i-i just kept runnin' into her. sairy: why, of c he knew h of places. women like that don't stay put. they get asked to leave, now, if she stays to herself, as she's promised-- as i've been doing. then what's the harm in letting her stay? what's the harm? that's what i said, what's the harm? you're what's the harm in lettin' her stay! about our menfolks that's unattached, and even some that's said their vows! i wouldn't put it past 'em to succumb to temptatiwhen it's, ( cackles ) isn't it about time for you to start supper? all i gotta do is peel spuds. why don

you know, andy, it's a shame about these fellas that steal. yeah, they ought not to do that. i was readin' an article about 'em in one of the police magazines... "kleptaminaracks" they call 'em. what? kleptaminaracks. what's a kleptaminarack? oh. excuse me, chief. floyd, what are you doin' here? well, i heard you say that you were going to come over here. the reception committee is at your office and they want to know the order of events for the founders day pageant. oh, i better get down there and see if i can keep this thing glued together. barney, you... all right, floyd, dismissed. right, chief. oh. you stay here and keep a eye on davis and don't you let that bird leave here without you. can you handle it? i-i-i'm sorry. i'll probably be back before he comes out. take your time. i can handle it. i believe i'll have a little talk with him. the main thing i got to do is shake these characters. then i can make one good haul before i leave... ( knocking ) hang on. yes? deputy fife. come in, deputy. yes, good-bye, mama. yes, i'll tell you all about it when i see you. that was

how about you fellas? how about you, barney? well... see? none of you believe it but you got henry to believe it and he's leaving town. and every one of you ought to be asmed youelves. what do you think we ought to do about it? i don't ow. do something. floyd: like what? hodo i know? well, maybe we could make it to him. yeah, maybe we could show h that his luck hachanged. ah? ye well, maybe something like you know, if he just won that tv g? wait a minute. there's a lot of ways henry might win. one way is by pure chance and then there's the fact that henry's overdo for some good luck. and there's one more way and i believe that's the way that i prefer. whatt?'s tha cheating. you mean, rig it so's he'd win? that's right andy, how can a respectable sheriff and an upstanding group of citens like us perpetrate such a thing? ll, if the upstanding group ofitizens aunt bee, there'll be a hat full of numbers there, right? uh-huh. and corresponding numbers in a fish bowl. now, suppose we had all the numbers in the hat and the fishbowl the same? well,

-look, fellas, i know this is all very noble and everything. i cannot order you to cancel your speech, but i'm going to protott you while you're at maureen's and at your rally, and i don't want any argument, sean. -thank you. -excuse me, sergeant hunter, lapd. -oh. what can i d dfor you? -i was told this is the only newsstand in la that gets the daily newspaper from northern ireland. -well, i carry about a hundred copies every day. and i don't understand why people bother to read that thing. everybody gets killed all the time in it. -yeah. you sell a newspaper to that guy? -can't say that i remember seeing him before. why? what did he do? -ah, it's not important. you know, you kids will go blind reading that stuff. -you little bums, you! hey. thanks. um, i don't know if it's going to do you any good or not, but about 35 copies of that belfast news go around to that irish pub the sorry plow on 10th. -yeah. appreciate it. thanks. excuse me, you ever see this fella in here before? -never saw him before. -well you haven't looked at it yet. -never s

fellas might need a bill of sale. if you drive through maddenville, casey, you and stan ride along to the wagon train. i'i' get the rest of the boys and meet you at twin forks later. there you are, mister. everything's legal. and here's your money. man: casey! rustlers! ( gunshots ) milford! man: hold your gun, mister! drop it! thought you'd get away with my horses, huh? what do you mean your horses? we just bought them from joe lassiter. you did? joe lassiter? that's right. here. got t e bill of sale. well. that's a mighty cute dodge, mister, huh? i didn't sign it. my name's lassiter. joe! this guy you shot's casey, all right. pete thomas gang, just like you thought. that other one over there, he's new to me. that's ken milford you killed. om major adams' wagon train. string him up! we got the right-sized tree, joe! ( indistinct shouting ) lassiter: save it! we'll take him to maddenville. judge winton's due to come through any day now. we ain't had a legal hangin' in these parts. i told you, you're makin' a big mista

fellas, topless bar just got hit in midtown. there were shots f fed. vince gotelli's involved. vince, you hit? no, no, chest pains. how you feeling? better than i did. i think i hit one of 'em, andy. - they throw shots. - both of 'em throwing shots? i got one of them, i think. the one guy yelled, grabbed his shoulder going out the door. then i went down, chest pains. could just be god saying keep away from these xxxxx bars. i had to use a phone. i had to get to a telephone. ththe you go, vince. reach out and touch somebody. take good care of him, huh? yeah. ur squad. we got word that he was involved. we come check on him. - was he shot? - chest pains, eddie. well, why don't you go keep him company, hold his hand, huh? you know, you're some kind of jerk. you had me going. - what was your problem giving me a wrong number? - what are you talking about? yeah, you play whatever kind of silly games you need to play, eddidi next time you give me wrong information on a case, me and you, we'r'rgoing at it. be good to check the emergency rooms in the area. i'll hear what gotelli's got to

(audience applauding) he's the nicest fella. oh, don. don? - yes, yes jack. - would you come out here for just a second? (audience applauding) now don, would you please carry on with the show because i want to go to my dressing room? there's a reporter there waiting for me to give me an interview you see. - oh, well then jack, will you do me a favor? - what? - when you talk to that reporter, be sure to tell him that i've been your announcer for over 26 years. been with me for that long? - yes, jack, don't you remember two of us came up to audition for you 26 years ago and i got the job. - oh, gosh, i remember now. that's right, 26 years ago there were-- two of you did come up for the audition. i remember and i gave the job to you. yeah, what is the name of that other fella? - adlai stevenson. (audience laughing) - oh, my goodness. you're right. now on my show if he was the announcer, just imagine. the jack benny program starring jack benny with rochester, dennis day, and yours truly now mr. benny, we've covered pretty thoroughly your career i

are you really gonna marry that fella? i know something about ya. what? oh, that fella ain't gonna make you happy. aren't t u supposed to be on watch? get out of here. well, you don't want me to leave, do you? you see, i told you i knew something about ya. well, you walk around here like a sunday school teacher, eh? so cool, butter wouldn't melt in your mouth? but i know what's gogog on inside that head of yours. do you want me to put it in words for you? o this. i ain't gonna tell nobody. it's just between you and me. will you get out of here? take your filthy hands off of her. don't you know to stay out of places you ain't wanted? i ought to splatter you against that wall. that gun makes you a big man, don't it? put it away, kid. do you think this gun's the difference between you and me? do you? that's the difference. you see. he's mush inside. that's the difference. takes guts to kill a man. we shoulultake a look out there. not a trace of them. - do you think they've gonon - nope. they're out there. waiting. for what? somebody to do something stupid. -

. >>> these two fellas, because it's 2016, there's cameras all over the joint, duh. here they are rummaging around the house, you hear them asking about a safe. well, they found the safe in an upstairs bedroom. >> looks directly into the camera. they are going to have them by the short and curlies. >> exactly. not only into the camera, they say the names. all the evidence is right here on camera. >> hey, i haven't seen you since i came to your house. >> yeah. like when we robbed the other houses, you remember on october 16th? >> these two have got to be some of the silliest robbers i've seen. as funny as this is, it's not funny to the home owners, because they did get away with the safe. they put the safe in a trash bin stairs, into the car, and inside the safe were some watches and some cash. the next video also takes make in australia, features another robbery, but it's not funny at all. this camera picks this action up off in the distance. 57-year-old woman, and you see a man walk up behind her, snatches her purse, and slams her to the ground. >> look at this disg

- tell you what, i'm going to give you fellas a break. i'm going to take her to the dance tonight. - thank you, joel, you're very kind. e first one to ask me so -- - just a minute, betty, wait a second. joel, seems to me that on the way over here you said something about you'd rather be shot than take milly to the dance tonight. - well, so did you! - yeah, well, i changed my mind. - well, so did i! - she's going with joel, it's all settled. - okay. - tell milly i'll see her tonight. - i'll pick you up at eight. joel can come with me, we'll take my car. - oh, haven't i though? (door slams) (audience laughs) did you see what she did, right there in our living room under my very nose? my sweet little country cousin tried to steal my boyfriends. she's a little sneak, that's what she is! - well, now -- wouldn't you think betty would have more sense than that? out girls. relatives or no relatives, when there are boys involved, there's no such thing as friendly competition. - milly wasn't trying to compete for anything. she was only being pleasa

. >>> these two fellas, because over the joint, duh. here they are rummaging around the house, you hear them asking about a safe. well, they found the safe in an upstairs bedroom. >> looks directly into the camera. they are going to have them by the short and curlies. >> exactly. not only do they look directly into the camera, they say the names. all the evidence is right here on camera. >> hey, i haven't seen you since i came to your house. >> when we robbed the other houses, you remember on october 16th? >> these two have got to be some of the silliest robbers i've seen. as funny as this is, it's not funny to the home owners, because they did get away with the safe. they put the safe in a trash bin so they could get it down the stairs, into the car, and inside the safe were some watches and some cash. the next video also takes make in australia, features another robbery, but it's not funny at 57-year-old woman, and you see a man walk up behind her, snatches her purse, and slams her to the ground. >> look at this disgusting human being

i'll do the rest. as i'm concerned, he's a nice fella. number two, even if i didn't like him, i wouldn't go after him unless i had an artillery regiment. number three, you better forget about it in the first place. you ain't even got a gun. what you are you gonna get him with, your stick pin? ( laughs ) wait right here. just to shoot him once, one photograph of the famed el gato raphed lincoln, that matthew brady's been getting all the attention. will turn brady positively green. hmm? green? oh, yeah. yeah, yeah. green. whoa. well, from here on in we start heading up in those hills. - and el gato? - maybe. what do you mean? well, you know how he got the name el gato, don't you? because he's like a cat. that's what i mean. let's go. ( clicks tongue ) ( laughs ) i love you like a brother, but i'm gonna have to beat you. you wanna quit, i let you quit anytime with honor. hey, maria, a kiss to the winner, huh? s?. well, i better end this match right now. you're learning, little brother. ah, ah, ah. since this is for the championship, we make