you see, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: according to the report, the zookeeper had no option but to resort to this treatment because the monkey was too small for medicine. and apparently too small for a sponge, a moist towel, a q-tip, i damp finger, a wet leaf, anything it had to be man tongue. nation, a zoo is nothing but monkey prison. which means this monkey has made this zookeeper his bitch. and sure, sure-- (laughter) >> sure, the little monkey, the little monkey is fine now but tomorrow you know it will be oops, i swallowed another peanut. i'm so clumsy. whatever shall we do. (laughter) at least now we know what coco the gorilla was signing all those years. we'll be right back. how much coffee are you fellows going to need today? three...four cups? [dumbfounded] well, we... doesn't last long does it? listen. 5-hour energy lasts a whole lot of hours. so you can get a lot done without refills. it's packed with b-vitamins and nutrients to make it last. so don't just stand there holding y

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, please, have a seat, folks. folks this is my last show before mother's day and i want to give a shout out to america's moms. especially mine. so happy mother's day, mom. when it comes to gifts, you always say it's the thought that counts. so-- (laughter) there you go. i played that all by myself. now nation, i don't know about you but i am still reeling from president obama's announcement yesterday that he is gay. (laughter) now i assume, i have too assume, i have to assume that is the reason he supports gay marriage. but folks, i am an originalist. i believe that god order answered marriage to be between one man and that man's rib. now i know that sounds a little gay but the rib gets turn odd into a woman so everything's jake. same reason why it's okay to have sex with barbecue, okay. but try telling that to the close-minded wait staff at chili's. read the bible, guys. but i am equally troubled by how obama came to this decision. >> i've been going through an evolution on this issue. >> folks, (laughter) >> i h

(laughter) and, folks, folks, you want to talk excitement? just look at their latest debate. >> mexico hosted its first presidential debate of the campaign sunday night, but no one was looking at the candidates, apparently. that's because of, well, this. former "playboy" playmate juliaorrianna appeared as an usher. her skin tight dress and plunging neckline sent twitter buzzing almost immediately. one candidate said she left the male debaters breathless. (laughter). >> stephen: our presidential candidates talk about contraceptives. theirs should really wear one. (laughter) i mean, the candidates down in mexico had to struggle to stay focused on the debate. here is new aoeu lines party candidate gabe gabrielle quadry analyzing her firm rebuttal. (cheers and applause) no apologies from quadry, he simply explained it's i believe possible not to concentrate your attention on a woman so spectacular. it's all summed up in his campaign slogan "quadry, 2012: mi gusto las grandees." (applause) and the young lady, the ex-playmate, was so concerned abou

you see, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: according to the report, the zookeeper had no option but to resort to this treatment because the monkey was too small for medicine. and apparently too small for a sponge, a moist towel, a q-tip, i damp finger, a wet leaf, anything it had to be man tongue. nation, a zoo is nothing but monkey prison. which means this monkey has made this zookeeper his bitch. and sure, sure-- (laughter) >> sure, the little monkey, the little monkey is fine now but tomorrow you know it will be oops, i swallowed another peanut. i'm so clumsy. whatever shall we do. (laughter) at least now we know what coco the gorilla was signing all those years. we'll be right back. you know, we're a little early for this thing... want to hop in the back and get weird? no. family vacation... vegas. ♪ no. no. give it a big yank! really? yeah! [ knock on window ] no! no. ♪ ugh, no! [ sighs ] we can have hotdogs for dinner?! yes. [ male announcer ] in a world filled with "no," it's nice to fi

(applause) folks, folks, i will tell you the reason the president is doing this right now, it's called political cover. this august he'll take the democratic national convention to north carolina which last night bravely defended traditional penis-in-vagina marriage. (laughter) >> voters in north carolina overwhelmingly approved a constitutional amendment which defines marriage as solely between a man and a woman. >> stephen: ha! suck it, gays! (laughter) by which i mean do not. (cheers and applause) and once the antigay marriage forces have successfully stuck it to gay couples, they celebrated in style. >> supporters of the measure had a wedding cake at their party with a bride and groom on top. >top. >> stephen: you know, i just... you just dream of that special day when you can find your soul mate and together you can celebrate your love of denying people their rights. i'm sorry. (applause) i always cry at the prevention of weddings. (laughter) folks, what i love most about this bill is that by preventing gay people have from having the legal right to marry it not only protects trad

i think some folks had two. supervisor farrell: i'll just say, if the notion is opening up to people who voted on that issue before, i guess the only reason i didn't mention hanley is because of that and it was a difficult not to say that in the beginning because i really respect hanley and like him and he does great work so i would -- i just want to make sure i mention that and that was the only reason. i'm going to stick to my guns on that one. supervisor campos: i also forgot to mention todd david who i have worked with and he's very involved in the community and i know he would be a good addition to any commission. i don't know if this is the right task force, necessarily, but i know he should play a role in city government, as well. chairperson kim: ok. we have two committee members that are supportive of bruce wolfe and i know mark farrell, you have strong feelings about members that have supported against the city attorney's advice. i feel comfortable, however, moving forward with that motion. we can cert

the other thing they don't understand about us, folks on the line, folks in the dealerships, folks in the parts plants, it's not just about the line. it's not just about the job you have. it's about whether or not you can have pride in what you're doing. pride knowing you're making something that the world wants. pride knowing you're making quality. any of you uaw guys, i remember things guys at the plant in delaware, gave us most pride back before the plant shut down about eight years ago. they got the authority to shut the line down if a piece of junk came by. remember how much pride they had. they didn't want to shut the line down. they knew that line moving meant their paycheck. but they wanted things to go out there that they made that were stamped "made in delaware." made in that plant. they took pride in it. let me tell you something, folks. these vehicles are pure pride. my dad, we were talking last night, joe and i. and we were talking about, i said how my dad felt about product. you know, my dad would be really happy. >> he's been gone about nine years now. he'd be really pr

because folks-- think about it, think about it, folks, where does the tolerance end. as cosponsor of the bill, as cosponsor of the bill dwight scharnhorst points out, when it comes to our schools, quote there is no need to talk about billy wanting to mary a goat. thank you, sir, for cutting through the politically correct spin of the homosexual agenda. when we say the word gay we're really talking about billy entering a long-term committed relationship with a farm animal. and that's crazy, may i remind you, old mcdonald had a goat. but-- (laughter) i believe don't say gay isn't enough. we need to expung anything remotely gay from our schools. in english class you need to stop teaching any words that even sort of seem gay, works like ambience and periwinkle. and let's not forget while we're at it, history class is full of gay code. hello, battle of the bulge? folks-- will this make missouri different from other states? sure. will other states tease them for this peculiar desire? yes. but to protect their children from thinking that gay is normal, missouri is going to h

well, folks, the u.n. has done it again.ay the united nations world tourism organization named swim bawb wayan strong man, robert mugave,aise global leader for tourism. well done, u.n. mugabe is the perfect choice to get people to travel. his brutal regime has inspired thousands of his own people to get out of zimbabwe and see the world. often in the middle of the night without even packing. now, full discloser-- we coown a racing elephant. if you're looking for a winner at this year's derby, you cannot go wrong with that's ir-elephant. anyway, that's-- anyway, boche, if you're watching, and i hope you are, i want to give your new tourism post the kickoff it and the u.n. deserves. jimmy, let's sell some plane tickets. >> come to mugabe's zimbabwe, where thanks to 95% unemployment, everyone is on vacation. enjoy sumptuous awl you can eat buffet. get exercise running from government security forces. be sure not to bring your cameras because thanks to mugabe's foreign press ban nobody can document anything that happens here. an

a lot of folks remember what it was like out here 25 years ago. we talked to some of them and we'll talk to the former mayor, willie brown about what it was like 25 years ago. reporting live from the bay, cheryl hurd. >> 25 years ago i was graduating from cal on that very day while my family was out there and got stuck in traffic. let's go back to the bay. was it crazy today? i saw a couple of close calls yesterday when i was out there. >> reporter: it was a little crazy but because we were on the boat it wasn't that crazy. a lot of people are preparing to stay on land today because they remember what it was like 25 years ago and they say in the water it was just too many people so the folks i talked to are planning to stay on the shore and view the fireworks from land. but as the time goes on and we see a lot of folks coming on later on today, it's going to get crazy out here on the bay. >> fill up a little bit. have a good time out there. >> we also asked folks to send us their favorite picture of the golden gate bridge using indsta gram and boy

but, folks, don't just take my word for it. listen to one of accretive's satisfied customers. >> she developed a kidney stone and went straight to the e.r. >> i was in my little room waiting for the, to the to come, writhing in pain. >> instead of a doctor she was greeted by a high-pressure bill collector. >> stephen: of course you pay up front. from now anesthesia should be coin operated. plus if the money men can pretend to be e.r. receptivities why can't they pretend to be doctors? i mean, don't worry, they won't deny care. if you need emergency surgery they will open you up free of charge. they just won't sew up until you swipe your capitol 1 card. and everyone will leave the hospital debt free because if you don't have money the surgeon will just take a kidney as collateral. the point is there are plenty of great, free-market alternatives to obamacare that will satisfy both the patients and the hospitals. so we'll never have to worry about a bureaucrat coming between and you your doctors. just a repo man. and that's the wo

çç intrg our interpreters, so could those folks raise their hands so folks know where they are in them? we have got translation going on for anyone who needs it, and there are folks outside that can hook you up in the most appropriate way for that. i was also asked to ask all of you if you could move towards the center, because as you can tell, we have got a lot of folks coming into the room from outside, and we want them to be able to not have to climb over everyone so they can take a seat. today's event is about connectivity, a connection through technology. and in order for that to happen, it is really essential that city leaders and understand the importance of connectivity, the complexity of it, and the why of it. it is important that all of that be understood. our mayor understands all of that and more. he understands the importance of it, the complexity of it, the why of it, and if you have been following the news at all, you know through what you have read that he has been very, very forceful in moving forward in this area. it is my pleasure to introduce the mayor of san franc

folks... i say why stop with global warming.there are so many problems on which conservatives and liberals can come together to blame immigrants. for instance, liberals, listen up. are you concerned about our lax gun laws? you should be concerned about immigration. did you know that when immigrants come to america they can waltz into any gun show and buy a firearm with no waiting period or background check? (laughter) and liberals, let me ask you this. are you concerned about poverty? then you should be concerned about immigration. did you know that no matter what their economic status back home, 23% of non-naturalized immigrants here live below the poverty line. i think we finally did something to help the poor... by sending them away. (laughter) so liberalss, liberals, conservatives, let's make sure america continues to be a country people strive to come to by taking out the people who came here. because only by finding someone we can blame for the issues that divide us could americans ever hope to come together to not address

it really takes a country of folks. what i am excited about, -- a cadre of folks. i really do not like to talk, but today, i am talking the law. these are the things that make me get up every day and go do work. we get something accomplished that is absolutely great. it is exceptional. i will not do any dancing today. i've done that before. i am not to going to dance today. we could not do it without all of you. we cannot do without the folks helping us. i want to mention one other group. we have a group from the arts folks, who are supplying the arts. we are going to try to convince them to come here and do art classes. we will simply get on our way. all things being equal, the mayor has a pretty tight schedule. we will try to get this ribbon cut. and then we will formally introduced all bart dignitaries. -- all of our dignitaries. you would like a couple of minutes. chairman brown? [applause] >> mr. mayor, to all the public officials who are here, public servants, residents of this fine facility, residents of the western addition, and this chilly, i said that i w

right now, you are just some folks on the street. you might have an attitude, just like i did for many years. did your life in order, do something. it is not that way for a lot of clubs. they went through years of struggle. they could not figure out and we are trying to figure out ways to help them figure that out. hopefully, one of these days, you will join me. i think you will see the value. how we try to make them get to the right choices. this is not an answer to probe these folks into prison. -- prodi spokes into prison. we have to do other creative ways. i would invite you to work with me on that. what you see on the streets, and you'll understand what we have to do to change that situation together. what are you doing to help our lgbt community as far as marriage goes? we are a city that understands the freedom of marriage. you ought to be able to marry anybody you want and to live your life with anyone you want. we have that kind of freedom here in san francisco. however, we have a state law that says, that was passed that is

it not only benefits folks that are parking, but it benefits folks riding muni, as well. continuously monitoring occupancy. that's what we used to make our android and iphone apps. it's open to everyone. lots of people can help get that information out there for the broader social benefit possible. the first city in the world to have that kind of data available. >> other cities can take elements of sfpark and implement it in the cities. los angeles is working on it. berkeley is working on a project. washington, d.c. is, too. cities are looking at parking management differently than the have in the past. >> later this year, we are gathering all the data we need to evaluate rigorously all our expectations of how this can reduce greenhouse gas emissions, congestion, improve transit speed, reliability, reduc. [applause] >> good evening. i'm the director of transportation. for me, this is not the academy awards. this is the all-star game. the folks sitting over here are truly the all stars of the city. i've had an opportunity to work with ed, harlan, and jocelyn. behalf of all

teaching folks who come in their language capability. defense language institute and foreign language center. and that's creating an in-house of language speakers. this is hard and it's expensive, but it does serve its purpose. we're also using the language training centers. in order to further improve our language capabilities, we have -- we're trying to improve how we use these folks. you may have seen recently that the army is creating regionally aligned forces. and this will help us build expertise in -- in other cultures as well as give service focal points for folks who speak those languages around the world to go and practice. we're also trying to expand how we use over the last several years we've tried to expand how we use heritage speakers. we have the national service language core which is a very important surge capacity. that's about 196 languages that are at our disposal, and there's no way we could've created such a competency starting from scratch. we're very thankful for that. we also have something called the 0-9 progra

a lot of folks put a lot of work on from selecting the winners to sponsoring the event. if folks could just hold the volume in the back a little bit, we could get through this. i first want to thank our biggest sponsor, and dignity health and wade rose. [applause] i want to thank pg&e. i want to thank the academy of art university, the folks at aecom, comcast, kmd architects, recology. my favorite giver is anonymous. thank you, anonymous, whoever you are. now? if you have a cocktail in your hand, or you are about to find a couple, i want you to find david from the laborers. all the drinks tonight are being brought to you by laborers 261. let's give them a big round of applause. [applause] they are responsible for your hangovers. let's begin this great award. i first want to introduce cory, who is doing -- ok, we're having our first technical difficulty. i want to bring up corey marshall, who has done all the work that goes into the mfac award and the great government consulting as they pick the products to bring a lot of innovation to san francisco. cory? give cory a rou

you're looking at folks who have really stepped up. they have taken risks.hey have made differences in lives and the work of the city. you do not stop and thank people often enough. you did not just to the regular job. you did more than that. you did it very well. that is so important for the business community. i was born and raised here. it is home. it ihas always felt a comfortable place to live. it's part of my life. [applause] >> i want to -- here we go. [applause] this is the second time in our entire history we have given this award. thank you, ed harrington. >> thank you very much. thank you, david, for the nice introduction, and to mfac and spur for the award. when someone wants to give you a lifetime achievement award -- are you [laughter] dead] it is a nice thing to think. i want to congratulate the other awardees and also the other nominees. i was nominated for this award several years ago and never won it. it is kind of like the academy awards. i have been extraordinarily fortunate in city government to have two of the best jobs anyone could eve

she talks real straight up just with a range of folks. if you allow me since we're here as a pastor, i think the church also needs to be straight up. and needs to be straight up about where we are and even analyzing our level of strength in this moment. sometimes when you act like you're stronger than you are, then you don't do what you need to do to get stronger. and one of the challenges -- i don't think many folks want to deal with is that we're looking at a time period in which most of the major houses that have historically have been utilizing these kind of efforts aren't as strong as they used to be. you all will act like i'm not telling the truth. we're deal with shrinkage of black churches. a recession don't shrink a church. a recession grows a church because people need the lord more. what we're dealing with is a generational transition that we're dealing with the fact that most of the major houses that we are depended on so long have been built by and for baby boomers. they were built by and for baby boomers and now baby boomers

council, folks prepare a voices. folks from the child care providers association looking at family day care providers. a number of organizations came together. we will look at at a process of how we could create a office of early childhood education that would be independent. i think that is a word that i perhaps have not really utilized enough in talking about how we would create such an office. my vision that a lot of folks came together on about the early childhood education office is one that would be streamlined office. we would have a place where a lot of the funds would come through in one single process we are carrying out the functions of making sure we are promoting the highest quality education in our various facilities and areas of care for children. that we are getting kids are ready for education, that we recognize 0-5 age, especially infant care, if you are receiving earlier higher crude -- early childhood education, it has the greatest and advantages of lifelong learning and the best outcomes of the f

but there is still a lot of folks out of work. which means we have to do more. >> as a matter of fact only 115,000 net new jobs were created. that was well beneath what it was expected to be. should have been in the hundreds of thousands. the rate came down because 340,000 dropped out of the workforce. >> that is romney's argument people are giving up and not being counted in the unemployment report. randi, for mitt romney the idea is to make the election a reference du referencedum of president obama amend the job he's doing. the president will hold his reelection rally. you can see on the left we have the cnn express, we're ready for a big day. >> let's talk about ohio, paul, the unemployment rate in ohio is lower than the national average, i'm sure you had a chance to talk to voters who are they crediting with that? >> it's not ironic in ohio and virginia where the president has the second rally of the day, the unemployment is below the national average. nationally, this is a cnn poll recently, you can see americans divided who

(audience reacts) well, folks, don't talk to me about separation of church and state. this is a christian nation. our money says "in god we trust." our declaration of independence name-checks the creator and when congress passes a law, it is nothing short of a miracle. (laughter) so we have to be guided by christian principles. and yet president obama is attacking the tse credit and deeply christian republican house budget written by my fellow catholic, congressman and reagan hair reenactor paul ryan. (laughter) just because the republican plan gets 62% of its cut-- $3.3 trillion-- from low-income programs while preserving tax cuts for the wealthy, obama blasted ryan. >> >> this congressional republican budget is a trojan horse. disguised as deficit reduction plan it is an attempt to impose a radical vision on our country. it's thinly veiled social darwinisim. >> stephen: how dare you, sir? these are republicans. it is thinly-vailed social creationism. (cheers and applause) uh-uh. uh-uh. uh-uh. and no one legislates in a more christian way than congressman paul ryan. >

still i want to get feedback from folks how to best do that. it's not going to take just government but the exact same people it takes us in a response. all the people that i mentioned. they are the same people and more that's going to be necessary it's going to be absolutely essential for us to bring all parties together to help recover, because it's important for us to remember why we're there. for the survivor. a lot of times people, a couple of years ago, myself included. used to call people victims. they were victims of a car crash. victims of a flood. victims of an earthquake. victims of having a heart attack. but when you think about it, and you change that around a bit, and instead of calling somebody a victim, they are a survivor. survivor versus victim. just calling somebody that. it makes a huge difference. i can speak from personal experience what a difference zwhraust terminology makes. so i mentioned a lot of people and how important it is to be part of a team. but the most important part of the team is the survivors and the publi