well gracie, who do we talk about today? - well, um, how about noah allen, my cousin, the famous veterinarian. - noah allen, he was an animal doctor? - no, he was a human doctor who took care of animals, yes. - yeah, well he sounds nice. let's talk about him. to treat a pig for a nervous breakdown. - a pig that had a nervous breakdown? - yeah, that's right. you see this pig had a litter of 13 little pigs, and she could only set places for 12. (audience laughs) - well that would make me nervous too, but did he ever do any normal things like bathing a dog or clipping them? - oh yes, he invented the french poodle cut. - the french poodle cut? - yeah, you know, where they just clip the middle of the dog and leave the head and tail bushy. - and he invented that? - oh well accidentally. you see, some women brought him a vicious poodle to be clipped, and so he started in the middle. - yeah, in the middle, yeah. - yes, and that went all right, but, uh, when he got near the tail the dog was able to turn around and bite him. - oh okay, so he had to leave the tail bus

. - yes, of course, you're gracie allen. now i don't know who this famous photographer is, but when you explained why i didn't know her, i recognized you immediately. - yeah. (audience laughing) - will you send in the young ladies, please? now i have four beautiful girls, i'm sure they'll fill the bill. you see, they all came out here last july for the miss universe contest, and they've stayed in town ever since doing modeling and motion picture work. girls? this is joan adams, miss nevada. - oh, hello. - next, this is marianne gaba, miss illinois. - hello. - hello. - [mr. hartman] next, this is lisa simone, miss france. - oh, bonjour. - bonjour. (audience laughing) - [mr. hartman] next, this is inger vorkson, miss sweden. - oh, i'm sorry, i have to go back to hello again, i don't speak swedish. - hello. - oh, you don't speak it, either. (audience laughing) - well, how do you like them? - oh, they're stunning. - they certainly are. - well, they're all hired. i'll be waiting for them in my car. come on, blanche. - mm-hmm. - o

of course, i've been married to gracie allen over 30 years, i believe anything. wonderful! would you talk to him on the phone? of course, success hasn't gone to my head, i talk to anybody. wonderful. why are we smiling? i don't know. ed, is that you? yeah. ed, i, uh, i'm with mr. george burns, uh, he'd lie to say a few words to you. well, ok. but tell him to make it snappy. ricky starr is on t.v. in a few minutes. he's--he's on phone now, huh? my horse. yeah. hello, horse? hello, burns? you're a horse and you talk, huh? yes, but not to you. goodbye. [phone slams] honestly, that was my horse talking. excuse me, i must open the window. oh, why? i'm expecting somebody to fly in here from chicago any minute. i don't believe that you believe that my horse talks. [intercom buzzing] no, i don't. [door opening] (mary) did you buzz, mr. burns? yes, uh, will you show mr. post out? he may have a little trouble finding it by himself. i understand. what if i find a witness? somebody who will testify that my horse really talks. and i don't mean another horse. get a witness and you got a

well, gracie, what member of your family will we talk about tonight? - beauregard allen he sounds southern. - oh, yes, especially when he talked. - oh, well i didn't know that your family had a southern branch. - oh, nobody could have been more true to the south than beauregard. - oh? - once he even got lost because of it. - got lost? - yes, he had to make a trip from one plantation to another, and he wandered around for four days because he refused to take a compass with him. - well, why wouldn't he take a compass with him? - he wouldn't touch anything that pointed north. (laughing) - well, i bet he wouldn't eat a can of sardines unless all the heads faced south. - you knew him, huh? - oh, no, no, no, i was before his time. - oh. - way before his time. - yes, well, what a gentleman he was. - gentleman, too, huh? - yes, when he wanted to dance with a girl, he'd walk up to her, and make a low sweeping bow, and say, "may i have this dance, ma'am?" - may i have this-- i'll bet that got him a lot of dances. - no, no, with your head that close to the floor, who can hear what

she was talking about and she showed me an item in the newspaper that said, "george burns and gracie allen are "at the rivoli theater for a three day engagement." (audience laughs) i cleared that up and then gracie and i left for san francisco. she wanted me to meet her family and naturally they objected. but then when gracie said that she was determined to marry me, they sort of accepted me. and then her mother even said that we could move into their home. so i said, "thank you, mrs. allen, "but will you have enough room?" she says, "oh yes, after my husband and i throw ourselves "into the bay, you'll have the whole house." - okay, kathy, bye.@ - i ... - [ronnie] oh, mother, kathy just loved the ring. - oh good. i'm on my way to the beauty shop, ronnie, but before i go, i thought we should have a little talk. - about what? - well now that you're engaged and you'll soon be married, there are certain things about life that you oughta know. so sit down. - okay. - now, where will we start? - oh. well, there are two sexes and it's natural that ... that ... you know, this isn't gonna be easy. i

the gracie allen show going strong into the second half, the sophomore driver losing footing and putting up a circus shot before falling to the ground. impressive. louisville, making a comeback. draining it, louisville wears out duke for the win, 71 to 64. dayton down seven with charles koch making a grown man move. second half of the game tied at 72 to five, winding down. adams, the flyers losing at home , what? 79 to 72. playing their last regular-season game senior day yesterday afternoon, one of those seniors was samantha katie, drilling the jump from kylie martel, another senior. santa maria took the pass and sank it for two. speaking of, she became the president of the athletic conference, all-time leading scorer with that three. a record that stood for 13 years. winning 94 to 46, the senior class is now at an amazing 116 and three. how about some amazing postseason action, meeting up with buster hills? easy bucket cutting the lead to three. second quarter, montgomery steps up, knocks down the deep days line jumper, extending the lead after the quarter. lasalle, again in the break

finishing and he heard the announcer say, "tune in the same time next week "for george burns and gracie allen." - so? - so, he keeps tuning in at the same time, and he hasn't seen us yet. (laughter) - well that's nice. colonel jack allen. he sounds like a soldier of fortune. - oh, he was. - i thought he was. - he'd fight anywhere. like the time he got involved in war between - well, that sounds very exciting. - well, it was. the sheik of one tribe wanted some modern weapons, so colonel jack offered to sell him the plans for one. - and how much money did he get? - not a cent. - not a cent? - no, he delivered the plans but he didn't get paid. - he didn't get paid? - no, after the sheik built the submarine he didn't know what to do with it. (laughter) - well, it's true as a soldier of fortune he was nothing but then again he was a bad salesman, so that made up for it. - and another time he wanted to get some secret information from a foreign count who was crazy about women, so colonel jack put on women's clothes and a wig, and he flirted with the count in a very fashionable restaurant. - and got

-[gracie] and before he could give it to anybody, somebody always robbed him. -[george] well, this robin allen sounds like a bright boy. what kind of stuff did he steal? -[gracie] oh, all kinds. they put him in jail for everything. -[george] he was that good? -[gracie] oh, the greatest. -[george] no wonder you're proud of him. -[gracie] well, like the time he robbed a supermarket, he got away with over $200 worth of groceries that he gave to the poor, but they caught him a half hour later. -[george] how come? -[gracie] well he went back to get his parking ticket validated. -[george] well, he had it coming to him, so he got it. -[gracie] and once robin was picking pockets at the pocket of a very rich man, who was going to chicago. and it turned out to be a very tight pocket, and cousin robin had a very large hand. -[george] so this large hand got stuck in this tight pocket. well, what'd he do? -[gracie] oh, well what could he do? he bought a ticket, got on the train with him. -[george] he went all the way to chicago with his hand in this man's pocket? -[gracie] no, he had a lucky break. you see

gracie, which allen will we talk about tonight? - well, the most exciting one is my uncle who was the prospector. death valley allen. - death valley allen? that does sound exciting. what did he do? - oh, plenty. you must have heard of the famous lost gold mind in death valley? - lost gold mind? no, no, did he find it? - he's the one who lost it. - oh, he lost it. i hope that wasn't the high point of his entire career. how did he lose it? he drew a map of the place, and to make sure nobody stole it from him, he tore the map in half. - he tore this map in half. - yes, and then he buried one half somewhere in the desert, and the other other half he put in his shoe, and then he went back into town. - to register the claim. - yes, but he couldn't find one half of the map. - well naturally, when you bury half a map in the desert, it's bound to get lost. - oh, well he found that half. - he found that half? - yeah, he couldn't find the half he hid in his shoe. (laughter) - well, he couldn't remember which shoe he hid it in. - why didn't he

gracie, what member of your family will we talk about tonight? - well, how about my cousin, the strong man, atlas allen? - atlas allen, strong man. big fella, did he weigh much? - well, 250 pounds on his hands and knees. - on his hands and knees? - well, he couldn't weigh himself any other way, you see his bathroom scale was under the sink. - seems like a bright fella, this atlas. instead of getting down on his hands and knees, why didn't he move it? - well he did but then he had to get a plumber - well, wouldn't it be more sensible to move the scale? - oh, george. atlas was a strong man, not a thinker. - i see. and this atlas, was he always strong? did he start out that way? - oh, yes, yes, he started out by building his body up when he was a boy. - i see. - and he lived near a farm where there was a new born calf so he went over and picked it up and carried it around on one shoulder. - well that's nothing, i can do that. calfs are very light. - yes i know but he went over everyday and did the same thing and after five years he was carrying a full grown cow around. - a cow around on his shoulders, did

gracie, what relative will it be tonight? - well, how about my cousin the lifeguard, chesty allen? - chesty allen, the lifeguard? - oh yes, everybody on the beach knows him. - oh? - you see, it's supposed to be good luck to be saved by him. - well, it's good luck to be saved by anybody. - oh, especially by chesty. when he goes into the water. - what happens to his luck if he runs into a shark? - oh, it can't catch him. - you mean a shark won't catch a man who's carrying a rabbit's foot? - not if he carries it fast enough. - yeah, well, i asked a stupid question. - well, luckily, i'm the one who can answer them. - well, true. (laughing) - cousin chesty is a great believer in keeping himself in good condition. - oh, he doesn't drink or smoke? - no, well, the strongest thing he drinks is tea, - tea. and then he makes it with salt water. - salt water with his tea. - well, you see, he swallowed so much of the ocean, that regular water makes him sick. - yeah, well then he's in the right business. this kid really leads an exciting life. - yeah, last sunday he gave a diving exhibition, and he dove off a 50-foot steel pi

now gracie, let's pick someone in your family to talk about. - alright, how about my cousin casey allen, the railroad man? - casey allen, that sounds like a real interesting character. - his name was casey allen? - yes, he started out as a conductor, and his train went from san fransisco to los angeles, and on his very first day he got into a big argument with a lady passenger. she wouldn't buy a ticket for cleveland! - well, why.... why should she? cleveland is in ohio! - well, maybe now, but that day cleveland was right there on the train sitting on his mother's lap! (canned laughter) - oh, "cleveland" was a little boy's name. - yes, and she wouldn't buy him a ticket because he was underage. she said he was so young he couldn't even speak yet. - oh, and casey wouldn't believe her? - well, not at first, but cleveland talked him into it. (canned laughter) - well if the kid couldn't speak, how could he talk casey into it? - then they made casey an engineer. - just in time, too. (canned laughter) - they were always on time, except when a cow was standing on the tracks. - oh, that sort of

gracie, who will we talk about today? - well how about talking about my cousin henry wadsworth allen the poet? - henry wadsworth allen? so you have a poet in the family. - george, we've got everything in our family. - that i'm sure of, but i never heard of henry wadsworth allen. - well that's the trouble, you see no poet is ever famous until he's dead. - yeah, well that's true. - cousin henry's worried because he can't wait that long. - well he wrote a lot of poems about birds and animals. oh george, he was wonderful because he got so close to his subject. - he got close to all his subjects, hm? - yes, you see when he wrote about a bird he'd climb a tree and he sat by its nest. - sat right there by the bird. - yes, and when he wrote about an animal he went right into the animal's den. - right into the den, huh? - yes. one of his finest poems was called thoughts while being gnawed on by a bear. - your cousin henry sounds like quite a nature lover. - oh he certainly was. now for instance, one of his greatest poems started like this: i think that i shall never look at a poem lovely as a brook. - that sounds vaguely famil

(audience clapping) well gracie, since last week a lot of people have been writing in. they'd like to hear more about your cousin, mozart allen, the composer and conductor. - really? - yeah, i guess he's famous now. - oh, isn't that wonderful. you know musicians have to wait until their dead to be famous. i'll bet cousin mozart's glad he made it. - just in time too. how did he get to be a conductor? - oh, simple, he was the only one in the orchestra who couldn't play an instrument. - suited him right. - well it is. you know for years, his ambition was to lead the san francisco symphony and he always carried his baton with him everywhere he went. - in case anybody asked him, he was always ready. - oh yes, yes, and that's why he took a job with the park department. - doing what? - well he put a nail on the end of the baton and he picked up papers with it. - that's one musician that really cleaned up. - and at last the call came. - oh the call did come, huh? - yes, and he was asked to conduct the san francisco symphony but the only trouble was he couldn't afford a full dress suit. - so what did he do? - he made a deal with a clo

gracie, any news from home? - there better be or we won't have a routine. - well, i just got a letter from my uncle quentin allen, the famous prison warden. - prison warden? well, how did he get a job like that? - well, he had to start at the bottom and work his way up. - oh, started as an ordinary guard, huh? - no, as ordinary prisoner. - how did he get to be a warden? - well, why not? he had the best qualifications. he served three terms. - oh, that's a warden with a lot of experience. - oh, yes, uncle quentin lives in the prison. and some of the convicts take care of him. they make very good servants, except for certain little things. - such as what? - well, now, the man who cooks for him - yeah. - is fine with everything except roast turkey. - he can't handle that. - no. - no. - because of his past, you see-- - his past? - mm-hmm, he'd been a pickpocket. and after he roasts the turkey, from force of habit, he can't help stealing the stuffings out of it. - out of the turkey? well, i'd fire a fellow like that. - oh, he did for a while. but then the next cook was even worse. - what did he do? - well, he was a s

gracie, what member of your family will we talk about tonight? - well, how about my uncle who was a deep sea diver, doodle allen? - doodle allen, sort of a deep sea doodle. - oh, you heard of him. - well, they wrote a song about him. how did he get into that line of work? - well, he was known as an underwater man long before he ever had a diving suit. - oh? - in fact, on his first trip, he walked halfway across san francisco bay with nothing but a coffee can over his head. - he used a coffee can instead of a diving helmet? - no, no, no. he wasn't using it for anything. - oh, i see. - see, a man jammed it down over his head, and he couldn't get it off. - oh, someobdy jammed it down. - yes, and the next thing he knew, he was walking underwater, halfway to oakland. - well, with that thing jammed down over his head, he couldn't see where he was going. he wouldn't have recognized anything. you see, he'd never walked underwater to oakland before. - yeah, well a trip like that can fade your tan. so he became a deep sea diver by accident? - accident? why, he practiced diving ever since he was a young boy. every night, h

gracie, have you got another relative we can talk about? so we'll have to talk about the ones i already have. - good, i'll settle for that, which one? - well, how about my uncle z. f. allen, the postmaster? - z. f., those are unusual initials. what do they stand for? - zone fourteen. - zone fourteen. - zone, now that's a common little name. - well, you see his mother and father were in the postal service too. so when the boy was delivered, they wanted to make sure he came to the right address. - well, z.f. sounds like a second-class mail. - oh, no. - first class, huh? - he runs his own post office in a little town in northern california. -northern california. - oh, he's a wide awake businessman. his post office does more business than any other one its size in the country. - why is that? - well, he noticed that the supermarkets were getting their customers to buy more groceries by giving them free trading stamps. - so? - so, to get his customers to buy more stamps, he is giving away free groceries. - free groceries. - uh huh. (affirmative) - well, this kid is going to build up a big business. - oh, sure. - i'm sure he does. - well, now for instance, for people who don't