>> guillermo? guillermo? guillermo? >> jimmy: guillermo? >> jimmy. >> jimmy: i said wake up. >> oh, jimmy. oh, i guess it was just a dream. >> jimmy: are you growing a white beard, guillermo? >> not so funny, jimmy. h ho ho. oh, no. i think i might be santa. >> dicky: don't miss the thrilling conclusion to guillermo-claus and the all-new 2013 ford taurus later in tonight's show. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with molly sims, music from death cab for cutie and josh holloway. it's true. 33 miles per gallon. that's amazing. i'm afraid if i say anything else, it will sound like bragging. get a ford fusion with 0% financing for 60 months plus $500 cash back, during ford's year end celebration. year end celebration! she is very excited. yes. but lately we've been using k-y® intense™. it stimulates arousal so the big moment is... (announcer) k-y® brand intense™ - intensifies female satisfaction. take toast. spread with i can't believe it's not butter! add jacques. he's french. mmmm. [ male announcer ] fresh butter taste that's

guillermo -- guillermo has the book. it's called "shaq uncut."-- is that a coffee table book, guillermo? >> no. >> jimmy: seems kind of big. i don't think he took into account the fact that normal people, normal-sized people would be the ones reading. take that down to shaq's dressing room. let's see -- luckily we have a wheelbarrow. take that down -- thank you, guillermo. take that down to shaq's dressing room. i would love to hear an explanation as to why the book itself is so enormous. it seems unnecessarily so but -- that's our green room, everybody is waiting. oh, there he is. hey, shaq. look at that. shaq -- if you could, just show, like, hold up the book and show us -- >> it's not that big, guillermo. what are you complaining about? where's my tea? >> jimmy: get the man his tea. will you, forgod's sake. >> where's my tea? >> jimmy: all right. yeah, that's the book. there, a little cup. see shaq in a minute. >> i said tea, not coffee! >> jimmy: oh, no, we got trouble. shaq's a lot of fun. earlier this year, guillermo went to shaq's house in

see you. >> jimmy: see you later, guillermo. there he is.pplause ] i made him stay so i could tell him to go to the hospital. our first guest tonight is a spanish teacher with a song in his heart. his show is called "glee." it airs tuesday nights on fox and his cd, he's got a cd, on which he sings. it's called "matthew morrison. please say hello to matthew morrison. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: matt, first of all -- what does the title of your album mean? it's called "matthew morrison." what's the story behind that? >> ah, you know, i think it's very original, to be honest. i don't think there's ever been an album called "matthew morrison" before. >> jimmy: there probably hasn't. did you look it up? >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: you have unbelievable cosingers on this album. >> my costars, yes. >> jimmy: elton john. >> elton john. >> jimmy: how do you get alton john? you say, i'm making an album and i'd like elton john to be on it with me. >> yeah, well, he has this big oscar party he does to benefit his aids foundation and he invited me two

[ applause ] guillermo is. i read your tweets last night, guillermo. guillermo is on twitter.s -- funny in and of itself but last night, do you remember what you tweeted last night? >> yes. >> jimmy: last night, guillermo asked for help -- asked the twitter verse for help with a gift idea for his mom and he tweeted "what should i buy my mom for christmas?" and then, a few minutes after that, tweeted "i think i will give her money so she can buy whatever she want." and then, like three minutes after that, he tweeted "money and tequila will be perfect." [ laughter ] they say that is the perfect gift for mom. [ applause ] isn't that what you got her for mother's day? >> yes. >> jimmy: what is your twitter name for those who might want to follow your shenanigshenanigans? >> i am guillermo. >> jimmy: no one is more guillermo than you are. we have a fun plan for the holidays. after halloween, i issued a challenge to the parents of america. i asked parents to tell their children that while they were sleeping, they ate all their halloween candy. all the candy that the kids collected o

kind of weird for me because i think of guillermo as my baby.a dependent on my tax return. so, in a way, i feel like i'm a grandpa today. >> yes. hi, grandpa. >> jimmy: congratulations. we should go to hooters after the show to celebrate. >> yeah, sure. >> jimmy: all right. here's an interesting piece of potentially bad news for guys like me. according to a new report that came out this week, the number of u.s. households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. fewer people have tv in their homes. which is -- i mean, we should be ashamed of ourselves. this is america! the only excuse for not having a tv in your home is, you're too fat to fit into best buy to get one. i don't understand. the best thing that ever happened to us was tv. chaz bono dances on tv. for you. [ laughter ] without tv, what's snooki supposed to do? go around vomiting door to door? [ laughter ] without tv, there would be no kardashian wedding. [ laughter ] this is something. kim kardashian, soon to be ex-husband kris humphries, ins

would you like to go visit guillermo in the hospital to see the new baby with me?> jimmy: and maybe they will let you pick the baby up. >> yeah, i can pick him up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it would be a nice surprise. in other celebrity baby news, kourtney kardashian has announced today that she is pregnant with guillermo's second child. [ laughter ] she said -- she said a sweet thing, she said she wanted to have kids ever since she found out they start with the letter k. but the e net work is already making plans to integrate the new addition into the kardashian tv family. >> kourtney kardashian's fetus is only a few weeks old. but it's already got attitude. go way inside your favorite tv family. fetus kardashian. kicking it fallopian. followed by an all-new "bruce jenner's uterus." only on e. >> jimmy: he has one of those? [ applause ] i had no idea. oh, hey, speaking of the kardashians, barbara walters, every year she does this most fascinating people list and she's released some of the names. sure enough, the kardashians are among them. the kardashians and donald

the smart money is on guillermo right now. right guillermo?> yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: hey, guillermo brought his new baby into work today for the first time. i took a picture of him. this is -- that's little benjamin. he's two weeks old. i'll be honest, guillermo. he seemed a little drunk. he was unconscious the whole time. are you bringing him to the party tonight? >> no, he's too little. >> jimmy: next year? >> maybe. >> jimmy: maybe. did you like the holiday gift that we gave you? >> yeah, i liked it. >> jimmy: every year, some of the producers and i chip in and buy gifts for anyone with work with. this year, we gave everyone a backpack filled of things you need in an emergency. a first aid kit, one of those flashlight/radios that you crank by hand. sort of thing you need if there's an earthquake or something. where are you keeping yours, guillermo? >> i gave it to my uncle. >> jimmy: oh, you did? you gave it to your uncle, did you? >> yeah, well -- it's christmas, merry christmas. >> jimmy: uh-huh. you know there was a $200 gift card i

there is a -- guillermo, how are you, by the way? guillermo had a baby on thursday.aby. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are you tired? >> yeah, very tired. >> jimmy: have you been getting up and breast-feeding the baby? >> no, my wife help -- i'm helping changing and, you know, trying to put him to sleep. >> jimmy: you do like this? you got to slow down. you can't -- >> no, i do it like this. >> jimmy: you do it like that? he's good? he's cute? >> he's cute. like me. >> jimmy: you still like him? >> oh, yeah, yeah, but it's very hard. >> jimmy: every time guillermo says, he looks like me, thank god. how do you say egomaniac in spanish? >> egomaniac. [ speaking spanish ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah. this is good. there was a fantastic new special on tlc last night called "virgin diaries." this is a documentary, they follow the lives of virgins in their 20s and 30s. the best virgins were an engaged couple. ryan and shana were saving themselves for marriage. not only did they not have sex, they didn't kiss before marriage. although you'd never know it if you watched them. >> t

geoff: guillermo. craig: guillermo. geoff: and then there's one just called rick.craig: that's antonio banderas. are you like the jacksons? did you perform? geoff: by that do you mean unemployed, looking for jobs? do you mean trying to ring -- wring every penny out of the famous one? yes. craig: that's probably enough! i don't want to know everything about your family. geoff: we are exactly like that, craig. craig: ok. do you read the "sherlock holmes." geoff: i do. i do. when i read it, it give mess a rath boner. craig: is that acceptable on the cbs network? [laughter] geoff: we're going to find out when this airs. craig: yeah. you mean, when it airs tonight. geoff: the 19th of christmas week. [laughter] craig: thank you for your support chloe banderas. can you take us to the commercial break then? geoff: now it's feliz na i have dad, go -- navidad, go to the breaks! ♪ that's what people could say if you're still using a liquid foundation that can settle into your lines and wrinkles and make you look older. covergirl and olay floats above lines and makes you look

. >> jimmy: oh, now, guillermo, hold on a second this is very sad. >> jimmy! i am cold and hungry and -- >> jimmy: i know. i know. you know, if you had gone to nextpedition.com, you would've wound up in places tailored specifically to your personality so you would definitely have enjoyed it. places like this -- >> wow! i like this much better! can you make it rain tequila, too? >> jimmy: no. i can't. >> that's okay. >> jimmy: stick with the scarf, huh? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. >> dicky: nextpedition from american express travel. take the online quiz at nextpedition.com today. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with jeri ryan, music from t-pain and armie hammer. [ male announcer ] cookies with smooth caramel and chocolate. ♪ hmm twix. also available in peanut butter. they won't be beat. oh, actually... then i'd be like, you rule! and my kids would be like, you rule! oh, load up the sleigh; this is going to be a great christmas. [ male announcer ] more christmas for your money, guaranteed. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! ton

and i'd like to get into the whole concept actually of mr guillermo goma's sanchez with you in. and the issue of actual slavery in america in just a moment we'll be back with more conversations with great minds with axel caballero in just a moment. drives the world the fear mongering used by politicians who makes decisions come to the breakthrough it's already been made who can you trust no one who is imbue it with the global mission that would see where we had a state controlled capitalism is called sessions when nobody dares to ask so we do our t. question more. going back to conversations with great minds tonight we're speaking with progressive activist and human rights advocate axel. so axel in a recent article you tell the story of yet all told me as sanchez who ended up spy serving two years enter detention facility owned by the correction corporation of america you also profiled him in a short documentary here's a here's a quick excerpt for our viewers. feel given that are they have the normal. one moment of the why you. didn't and then you know my father said i look. he

guillermo went through the photos and he made -- he did some drawings of them for us and now he's goingo show us to give us a little sneak preview of the -- go ahead, show us what we missed there, guillermo. all right. really did these drawings for us. keep going. just go right through them. very -- i think there's a picasso influence there. that's either a very bad drawing of lindsay lohan or a very good squidward from "sponge bob." [ laughter ] keep going, guillermo. let's see what else you got there. oh, look at that. she has wings, i guess, huh? [ laughter ] and how many more do we have here? wow, that's -- octopus-like. [ laughter ] is that it? >> yeah, that's it. >> jimmy: what happened to her hair? >> it's colored yellow. blond. >> jimmy: oh, okay. all right. have you been drawing while intoxicated again? all right. [ cheers and applause ] those art lessons are really paying off. hey, this is pretty fantastic. the lakers had a media day on monday and "the l.a. times" have a video division. they caught up with the player formally known as ron artest. ron, as you know, legally chan

. >> hi, i'm guillermo along with my assistant. i want to go to the octane academy. i have the right attitude. that's why i want to go to the octane academy. >> no, i want to go to octane academy! >> no, listen to me! pick me! i want to go to octane academy! >> no, take me! >> listen to me! i want to go to academy! listen to me! >> jimmy: i think he wants us to listen to him is the point. >> think you have what it takes? submit a video and prove it. you have till january 31st to make the cut. on my team, you need to bring it. bring it. bring it. on my team, we go hard every day. every day. on my team, there are no, days, off. on my team, there'll be epic challenges to test your athleticism, attitude, and audacity. if you can't take it... you're not gonna make it. you won't make it. we want those who can. we want you. make a video. make it big. you might make the team. do it now at octane academy dot com. ♪ hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say, ♪dong ♪ throw cares away, christmas is here, bringing good cheer, ♪ ♪ to young and old, meek and the bold,

bueno ¿quÉ va a pasar si mÓnica se encuentra con que guillermo decidiÓ meter a su amante a la casa?nte con traumatismo craneoencefÁlico y posible fractura en parrilla costal. >> pero ¿cÓmo pasó esto? ¿cÓmo? >> lo siento, doctor. pedÍ el estado de ebriedad. (mÚsica) >> ¿por quÉ? >> no sÉ cÓmo pasó esto. >> pues, muy fÁcil. tomaste dinero que no es tuyo. >> muÑeca, tampoco es de federico cantÚ. >> ¿y si le dices al jefe del tal federico cantÚ? >> el sabe que le estÁ robando el dinero desde hace tiempo y no hace nada. sÓlo cree que son mÁs las inversiones. y para acabar de empeorar las cosas, acaban de contratar a un idiota. que si no se pone buzo, va a ser el chivo expiatorio de federico. >> ¿no le puedes echar la culpa a ese cuate? >> no, porque el autorizara las inversiones. y el dinero que yo tomÉ ya estaba en canadÁ. >> no quiero que te pase nada. >> realmente no sÉ quién corre mÁs peligro. si tÚ o yo. >> ¿por quÉ nos tuvimos que conocer bajo estas circunstancias? no es justo. regresa ese dinero y vÁmonos de aquÍ. >> ya es demasiado tarde, muÑeca. aunque regrese el dinero, federic

>> jimmy: guillermo, can i tell you anything? >> yes, jimmy, you can tell me anything. we are siamese twins. >> jimmy: okay, then -- you might want to consider using listerine pocketpaks. >> how come? >> jimmy: well, for one, because of that onion sandwich. [ laughter ] >> it is delicious. [ laughter ] jm. >> it seems delicious, but your breath -- take another bite, enjoy. [ laughter ] it's just that your breath is not delicious, that's all. >> how dare you? that's it! i am going to find another brother -- >> jimmy: guillermo, just -- do me a favor, just try one, will you? there you go. what do you think? >> oh, wow, ahh, i am refreshed! muchas gracias, brother. now give me a kiss! >> jimmy: you got to shave that tickly mustache. >> jimmy: jimmy kimmel live back in two minutes with anna faris and music from the kooks. ♪ it works in six different ways to restore enamel... strengthen teeth... freshen breath... help prevent cavities... and kill bad breath germs for a whole mouth clean. so go beyond the brush with listerine® total care, the most complete mouthwash. now get

how is the weather there, guillermo?rope is going to see the cold air, especially in the east, we are dealing now with a lot of snow and the prospect of significant snow for bulgaria. so sofia may see 40 sent meters of snow in the next few days. the lows are greece, turkey, istanbul may see snow. antalia will be mostly rain and clouds. in britain, things will cool down but we do not expect so much rain anymore. take a look at germany. we see some snow now. it's because we have a jet here, the jet stream. it's like a highway for storms. so the storms sit on it and ride along and that's why right now over germany we see all that snow. but in general from germany all the way to spine and portugal, we are going to see good conditions. i'm not talking about this only, all the way up in porto, for instance. and the east unstable, all the way up into norway, into sweden, st. petersburg, russia, the czech republic, the alpine region. you see this dip over here, it will be cold, snow and rain. that's here to stay. it's here to st

on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: i didn't think there could be anything cuter than guillermo he had a baby. it's like if a kitten gave birth to a puppy. >> yeah. yeah. >> dicky: matthew morrison. >> i love your show. thanks. [ laughter ] >> dicky: maggie q. and music from yelawolf. >> jimmy: without tv, what's snooki supposed

we have yehya on the roof and guillermo down below. hey, yehya? >> yes, jimmy?jimmy: ready to do this? >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: go ahead. >> okay. >> go ahead! >> tetris! >> jimmy: all right. >> yehya, you're not good at this. >> jimmy: well, in conclusion, you don't have to throw giant shapes off a roof to play, because tetris is now available at the app store. so, i have no idea why we did this. one more. yeah, yehya, go ahead. >> tetris! >> dicky: the new tetris app gives fans a revolutionary way to play the game on their iphone and ipod touch. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with jamie oliver, music from vince gill back in two minutes with jamie oliver, music from vince gill and peter facinelli. and whiesn't travel by sleigh or reindeer, it does get around... in fact, every year duracell sends loads of batteries to the mattel children's hospital, u.c.l.a. of course, children here and everywhere don't really think about which battery makes their toy run... but, still... you'd never want to disappoint. duracell. trusted everywhere. yes. but la

guillermo, you want one of these? >> no. >> jimmy: no? all right.es in real life -- >> jimmy: why? >> you have to take a scalpel. that's part of the autopsy. you have to take a little section of the testicle. >> jimmy: what do you do with it? >> you put it into a jar and you have a piece of it so you can say you've done the testicle. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. great. all right, and finally? >> oh, the smell is just horrible. this is the other thing you do as a medical examiner. my character is always doing this. you go like this all the time. >> jimmy: why? >> to smell it. i don't know. >> jimmy: supposed to teach you something? >> it's like somehow -- i can't remember, it gets up -- i don't know. whatever. i fake it, you know? i'm acting. >> jimmy: like a fine wine. >> this is a pig heart. >> jimmy: oh. oh, you know what? >> yes. >> jimmy: we could put it in this and bring it back to life. where does it go? >> jimmy: i think it goes in the chest. there's a price tag. it goes -- all right. >> poor pig. >> jimmy: this poor pig. how about us? >> look at the