jump, guillermo, fly like the wind! [ cheers and applause ] guillermo? guillermo? all right.ome back, okay? we have a good show for you tonight. comedian marc maron is with us. we'll be right back with kate walsh and guillermo too so stick around. [ male announcer ] when do you take 5-hour energy? when i'm on the night shift. when they have more energy than i do. when i don't feel like working out. when there isn't enough of me to go around. ♪ when i have school. and work. every morning. it's faster and easier than coffee. every afternoon when that 2:30 feeling hits. -every day. -every day. every day is a 5-hour energy day. [ male announcer ] 5-hour energy. every day. oh, actually it's hot chocolate... with caramel. caramel, huh? [ male announcer ] nothing says "i really love you" like the new caramel hot chocolate from mccafé. the simple joy of the sweetest thing. ok. ♪ the simple joy of the sweetest thing. ok. you could get money that's both fast and free on an emerald card. just bring in your tax information... and get a refund anticipation check in 7-14 days, for up to $9

let's put guillermo on it. we have a scale. okay. now, guillermo, you've set a goal for yourself.ant you to step on the scale. let's see if you weigh 205. i'm going to guess that you way mass than 205. all right. we're at 210. and we're not there. this, by the way, we tested this afternoon. it's perfectly accurate. you weigh 214 pounds. 214 pounds. >> oh. [ cheers and applause ] it should be right here. >> jimmy: well, you probably don't want it to be there because it should be right there. but if you can get it down -- okay. here's what we're going to do. you have until february 28th to get it down to -- what did we say? you're at 214? >> yes. >> jimmy: you have to get it down to 204. >> okay. >> jimmy: by then. >> okay. >> jimmy: do you accept this challenge? >> yes. >> jimmy: or your mustache gets it. >> yes. >> jimmy: all right. very good. [ cheers and applause ] you know what, though? i think -- stay on the scale for the rest of the show. [ laughter ] it makes sense. >> cleto: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and if you don't lose at least five pounds, we're going to shave one of

i'm guillermo. this is my house of textbooks. text books cost so much money, i have to live in them, too. >> hey, guillermo. we're going to shiftys for 5 cent wing night. you want to come? >> i can't. i don't have 5 cents because i have to buy textbooks like this one. >> you should get free textbook rentals from nebo like we do. >> tell me more. >> you can save money when you rent textbooks. >> wow. and then, i can move to a real house. >> yep. >> that's a great news, ladies. do you want to go for a swim? >> you have a pool in that little house? >> no. but i have a bucket. >> yeah. >> party. >> let's go. >> 100,000 free textbook licenses, at neebo.com, and like neebo on facebook. save 20% on all your textbooks. neebo has everything you need. >>> music from rodney atkins. and woody harrelson. ♪ ♪ ♪ one too many... [ male announcer ] it's time to reclaim your garage. the all-new passat. the 2012 motor trend car of the year. ♪ seek your way and go check it out. right now you can have it for free. imagine if you could getend the best

[ cheers and applause ] guillermo, how are you? >> doing great. >> jimmy: did you sleep well last night? >> so-so. >> jimmy: yeah. guillermo has been getting up very early since his son was born last month. and you started tweeted at about 4:00 a.m. today. >> that's when he gets very fussy. >> jimmy: do you tweet while you hold the baby? >> no. while i'm watching him. >> jimmy: okay. guillermo's first tweet this morning, if you're not following him said, i hope stop raining in los angeles. i haven't walked my dogs for two days. [ laughter ] just right off the bat, it hasn't rained here since monday. >> that's two days. no, yesterday, it was very cold, too. [ laughter ] they don't like the cold. >> jimmy: when you don't walk your dogs for two days, where do they relieve themselves? in the house? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. when you look at your dogs, do you see giant sausages, like in the cartoons? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. i ask this because guillermo then moved on to his favorite subject, which is food. good morning, friends. i haven't

thanks, guillermo.ry seventh grader who got to second base while listening to "on bended knee." in the backseat of their mom's ford taurus. for proving, once and for all, that matching blue jump suits can be cool. and for making love to us if we wanted you to. tonight, by the power vested in me as former host of "the man show," i welcome you to manhood. you have melted, boys, now rise, as men. ladies and gentlemen, may i present to you for the very first time, menzii m ii men. see you later. we'll see you later, too, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] isn't that beautiful? i think i just conducted a bar mitzvah. and one more thing. another week has come to a close and it's time now for your weekly tribute to the fcc, where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> there's a major development tonight in the ongoing debate over [ bleep ]. >> new year, new [ bleep ]. i like this. >> i understand what pork barrel politics is all about. i [ bleep ]

where's guillermo? [ cheers and applause ] i don't know why. but you look more like a combination leprechaun/nurse. [ laughter ] what's with the stockings and the white shoes? is that what girl scouts wear? >> i guess. >> jimmy: all right. i would honestly love to know how this girl scout cookie tradition started. we need a fund-raiser for young girls. i have an idea. what if we sent them to strangers' homes with cookies. perfect. meanwhile, the boy scouts sit around tying knots. they don't have to sell anything. i do enjoy the cookies, though. i like the thin mints. which, by the way, turns out, they do not make you thin. i learned that the hard way. i buy several boxes of thin mints. i put them in the freezer. i keep them in there for like six months, until they're covered with ice. and then, i throw them away. [ laughter ] i do it all over again the next year. i think the girl scouts are smart to only sell the cookies once a year. and you don't have to go to the grocery store to find them anymore. this year, the girl scouts are using technol

el rÉgimen de castro liberÓ a guillermo fariÑas, otro disidente que se ha salvado de las huelgas de hambretas cubano americanos incluso el senador bob menÉndez repudiaron lo ocurrido en el rÉgimen castrista, se anticipan protestas tanto en espaÑa como en la pequeÑa habana. en miami, florida. >> al volver veremos cÓmo se

. >>> no es la primera vez que guillermo agrede a margarita, el año pasado, la golpeó tanto que provocóados por 60 años, se fundieron nuevamente en un abrazo, ahí lo pueden ver, el evento tuvo lugar gracias a una organización benéfica, ambos fueron separados cuando niños, pero movieron cielo y tierra para volver a estar juntos, uno de ellos dice que tal vez sea la última vez que se vean. >>> con esto nos despedimos, los esperamos mañana. >>> así es, aquí estaremos buenas tardes :) decenas de miles de personas de todo el pais marchan en washington en favor del derecho a la vida... un pavoroso incendio deja sin vivienda a varias personas en el condado de montgomery... es una nueva medida que crearia un registro de abusadores de mascotas... probabilidad de lluvia y densa niebla para esta noche... el pronostico completo en breve buenas tardes que bien que inicia su semana con nosotros.. saludos y bienvenidos a la primera emision de noticias de este lunes 23 de enero... miles de personas acudieron hoy a washington desafiando la lluvia y las frias temperatura s -- para participar en la marcha

. >>> no es la primera vez que guillermo agrede a margarita, el año pasado, la golpeó tanto que provocóque estuvieron separados por 60 años, se fundieron nuevamente en un abrazo, ahío pueden ver, el evento tuvo lugar gracias a una organización benéfica, ambos fueron separados cuando niños, pero movieron cielo y tierra para volver a estar juntos, uno de ellos dice que tal vez sea última vez que se vean. >>> con es nos despedimos, los esperamos mañana. >>> así es, aquí estaremos buenas tardes :) noticias univisiÓn 14 a las 6. se complican los problemas legales para... ahora una segunda mujer lo acusa de violencia domÉstica. >>> revelan detalles del secuestro de u nufrn de 11 aÑos ocurrido en san josÉ. al sur de la bahÍa una propuesta que podrÍa aliviar el bolsillo de miles de familias. quÉ tal, cÓmo les va. >>> gracias por acompaÑarnos el juicio por presunta violencia domÉstica contra el alguacil de san francisco yao ten fecha de inicio un diario del Área de la bahÍa obtuvo informaciÓn de otro incidente ocurrido hace 5 aÑos. veamos. >>> gracias alejandro marÍa letizia, efectivamente se tr

>> guillermo's my boy. he loves this.ght. >> jimmy: great. >> i love coming here. this is so much fun. >> jimmy: actually, you always look so -- fancy. i don't know how to describe it. >> so, um -- >> jimmy: well, you really do have your own style. that's for sure. >> exactly. >> jimmy: i mean, i don't know if there's a clown supply shop that you're going to or whatever. but we put together a little montage of some of your past visits here, to look at some of the things you wore on the show. >> let's see what you got. >> jimmy: you have a spot on your jacket. >> a couple of spots, jimmy. you like spots. >> jimmy: are those the boots you use to stomp on people's dreams? >> come on, man. >> jimmy: you come out. what are you wearing around your neck? >> this is a very nice -- it's like an ascot. >> jimmy: like a stewardess from a defunct airline. all right. >> no. no. you know what is hot and really dope? >> jimmy: what? >> the dot is very consistent. there were dots. dots. come on. >> jimmy: it's like an epidemic. you have

you know what, can we get that -- guillermo, will you go get a pair of scissors?> yeah, sure. >> jimmy: you don't have to. i think it would be for the best. you think about it for a minute, when he comes back -- okay? [ applause ] anyway, police arrested a suspect yesterday. a jgerman national named harry burkhart. he reportedly said he hates america so he decided to take it out on your japanese car. a ponytailed german who hates america tripes to burn l.a. to the ground and where is bruce willis through all of this? nowhere to be found. probably recording another harmonica album. on this season of "the bachelor", it premiered on abc last night, bachelor ben met 25 potential brides. he will narrow it down to one and they will break up. [ laughter ] and we'll continue on. we've yet to see a relationship -- they last about as long as a glade plug-in. but one con test sapt, a girl named brittany, did a good thing. she brought her grandmother along. she seemed very set, this woman, on making bachelor ben her new grandson-in-law. >> she's part of the reason why i'm her

let's get guillermo on the line here, too. hello, guillermo? >> hola. >> hola, guillermo. como esta? >> estoy bien. did you know with gotomeeting, is so easy, you can join a meeting with just one click? even from a mobile device? >> jimmy: oh. it almost looks like you're reading. but, no. i didn't know that. >> well, you can. dumbass. >> jimmy: all right. let's get this meeting going. i hereby call this meeting to order. on the agenda today, new ideas for the show. guillermo, what do you have? >> i don't have nothing. >> jimmy: all right. adam, what do you have? >> yeah. i don't have anything either, boss. >> jimmy: all right. good meeting. adjourned. >> dicky: visit gotomeeting.com to try it free for 30 days. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes, with ben mckenzie, music from mindless behavior and elizabeth banks. does that answer your question? absolutely. thank you so much. no problem. man: do your simple return with the turbo tax federal free edition, and now get our free one-on-one expert tax advice live by phone or chat. get the federal free edition a

>> jimmy: what are you doing, guillermo? >> oh, jimmy.'m training my chihuahuas so they can be good at "wipeout." i hope they will get into the tournament. >> jimmy: couple things, it's videogame tournament. >> oh. >> jimmy: and secondly, i don't think chihuahuas are eligible. >> what? that is discrimination. >> jimmy: no, it isn't. >> it isn't? >> jimmy: no. >> then it is -- condensation. >> jimmy: no, not that, either. >> animation? >> jimmy: no. getting warmer. >> okay. >> jimmy: all right. >> dicky: get wipeout 2 for your chance to compete for $50,000! and be sure to check out an all-new season of "winter wipeout" airing thursdays at 8:00/7:00 central on abc. >> jimmy: what are you doing? oh, hey, "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with octavia spencer, music from back in two minutes with octavia spencer, music from lloyd and kelsey grammer. [ monica ] i thought we'd be on location for 3 days -- it's been 3 weeks. so i had to pick up some more things. good thing i've got the citi simplicity card. i don't get hit with a fee if i'

so, i had guillermo memorize all of wikipedia for me., what is the year and day that george washington was born? >> friday, february 22nd, 1792. >> jimmy: isn't that amazing? who invented lego's? >> kirk christensen, a carpenter from denmark, 1922. >> jimmy: and let me tell you something, the great thing, he's not reading that off these big cue cards that are right here. how are babies made? >> with love. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: with love. right there. thanks for filling in. you know, burger king has an interesting, new business plan. burger king has announced they're trying out a new home delivery service at select restaurants. i've been trying to get a reservation at burger king for weeks. if you live within ten minutes of a participating burger king restaurant, you can call in or have food delivered to you for a $2 surcharge. and for $3, the delivery guy will put the food in your mouth and use his hands to help you chew it. remember in "wall-e," when the humans were too fat to move? so, they hovered around? we better get to work on the

i'm guillermo. this is my house of textbooks. textbooks cost so much money, i have to live in them. >> too. >> guillermo, we're going for 5 cent wing night. you want to come in. >> i can't. i don't have 5 cents because i have to buy textbooks like this one. >> you should get free textbook rentals from neebo like we do. >> free textbook rental at neebo? tell me more. >> at neebo, you can use money to rent textbooks. >> and i can move to a real house. that's great news, ladies. you want to go for a swim? >> you have a pool in that little house? >> no. but i have a bucket. >> yeah. party. >> let's go. >> dicky: 100,000 free textbook rentals. go to neebo.com and like neebo on facebook. plus, get 20% off all your textbooks. neebo has everything you need for college. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with tracy morgan, l.a. clipper, chris paul, and music minutes with tracy morgan, l.a. clipper, chris paul, and music from tune-yards. one story. pain doesn't have much of a place in my life. minutes with tracy morgan, l.a. clipper,

. >> gracias guillermo . >> mas adelante, primero fue el jugo de manzana y ahora el jugo de naranjase no estaba de acuerdo con los agravantes que señalaba la fiscalía . >> hoy le preguntaron si estaba de acuerdo con la gravedad y asintio . >> pretende tener una reducción de su condena cuando lo condenen . >> el aire está agravado y esetara prohibido usar artefactos que funcionen con leña . >> se recomienda usar el transporte público y que niños y ancianos eviten actividades al aire libre . >> ¿qué tal? amigos muy buenas tardes tarde de miércoles que se mantiene con 60° en la región . >> la pregunta es dónde están los sistemas que traen el clima invernal . >> ahora se aleja por alaska las tormentas . >> hacía el sur algunos nublados, no hay lluvias pero por el sur de california se siente como si estuvieran en acapulco . >> va a continuar a lo largo de la semana y el fin de semana cambios . >> está noche temperaturas en los 41° nublados parciales en laregio . >> desde el día domingo y lunes desciende la temperatura . >> y oportunidad de que llegue algo de lluvia pero al menos hasta el

el rÉgimen de castro liberÓ a guillermo fariÑas, otro disidente que se ha salvado de las huelgas de hambrea. >> al volver veremos cÓmo se vuelven las horas previas a las primarias de maÑana en carolina del sur. visitaremos un pueblo en la frontera entre texas y mÉxico >> las expectativas aumentan a medida que se acuerdan las primarias para maÑana. los cuatro candidatos hicieron hoy un gran esfuerzo para ganar el voto. la competencia por la nominaciÓn presidencial entró en una tensa etapa despuÉs de que nuevas encuestas seÑalan que ritch rompiÓ la ventaja de rodneyt. pueden empezar a votar a partir de maÑana test t est test test test . . . . test test test . . . . florisa es el primer estado que realiza elecciones anticipadas. >> no somos un peque pueblo entre la frontera de texas, ellos son sÓlo 12 pero no por eso trabajan menos, piden ayuda desde allÍ. >> para la policÍa de sullivan city texas, una persecuciÓn policiaca es parte de todo los dÍas. >> washington tiene que saber lo que pasa aquÍ porque como les digo, estamos con eles de marihuana. >> persecuciones como esto ocurre en siete d

mientras tanto, las autoridades de ela isla, pusieron en libertadl al disidente guillermo fariña, despuéss en contra el régimen. ya regresamos en unos instantes para mostrar las últimas imágenes que nos llegaron con momentos de angustia en el crucero. y las temperaturas llegaron a chicago, causando gran sorpresa. [aplausos]. >>> y más adelante, obama se suma a la lista de presidentes que alguna vez han cantado en público. volvemos y se lo contamos. >>> hoy fue suspendida temporalmente la búsqueda en el barco hundido en italia. poco después se estabilizó y las tareas continuaron. hoy también se dio a conocer un video que muestar la manera con que el capitán manejó el incidente >>> una película que no termina, este nuevo video tomado dentro el barco crucero costa concordia, luego de estrellarse, muestra el caos y confusión que los más de 4 mil pasajeros vivieron durante la tragedia. primero habla un hombre no identificado, después una mujer miembro de la tripulación, abre paso pidiendo información en sus idiomas. [subítulos en pantalla] >>> esto contradice lo que en realidad estaba sucedien

el rÉgimen de castro liberÓ a guillermo fariÑas, otro disidente que se ha salvado de las huelgas de hambmiami, florida. >> al volver veremos cÓmo se vuelven las horas previas a las primarias de maÑana en carolina del sur. visitaremos un pueblo en la frontera entre texas y mÉxico @ [ locutor ] prepárate para un deleite tostadito al estilo deli: el subway big hot pastrami melt. con abundantes rebanadas de pastrami, mostaza picante, pepinillos y queso derretido. ¿listo? pues ya es hora de satisfacer a tu paladar -- con un subway big hot pastrami melt. >> las expectativas aumentan a medida que se acuerdan las prims para maÑana. los cuatro candidatos hicieron hoy un gran esfuerzo para ganar el voto. la competencia por la nominaciÓn presidencial entró en una tensa etapa despuÉs de que nuevas encuestas seÑalan que ritch rompiÓ la ventaja de rodneyt. pueden empezar a votar a partir de maÑana para las primarias del prÓximo 31, pero este aÑo hay una variaciÓn,1 ley estatal de 2011 redujo a ocho el nÚmero de dÍas que se puede realizar la votaciÓn temprana en lugar de dos semanas. florisa es el prim

en cuba, el disidente guillermo fariÑas fue liberado hoy tras una detencion de 72- horas en la ciudadanta clara, desde donde se ha sumado a las condenas de la disidencia en la isla por la muerte del preso wilman villar... fariÑas dijo hoy que el martes fue arrestado junto a los opositores angel moya y jorge luis artiles tras protagonizar una protesta publica con consignas contra el gobierno frente a la fiscalia provincial en santa clara, donde reside... a colombia llegaron varios de los sobrevivientes de la tragedia del crucero concordia en las costas italianas... los cuatro hombres contaron parte de las experiencias que vivieron en las primeras horas despues de la tragedia...misntras tanto las autoridades italianas analizan la posibilidad de terminar definitivamente la busqueda de sobrevivientes a bordo... los socorristas han estado usando explosivos controlados para llegar a las areas que quedaron aisladas cuando el barco encallo... muy buenas tardes, ya estamos proximos al fin de semana y tambien proximos a expirementar las condiciones extremas del invierno, la lluvia helada y la n