ha ha ha! oh! ha ha ha. oh, thank you for making me laugh. eal name is-- now you won't laugh, will you? it's brisket. charmingly anglo-saxon. what are you doing in pompeii? i wasn't feeling very well, and they gave me a month off so i booked myself on this mediterranean cruise. my boat stopped at naples, and, well they organized a conducted tour of this place. only i hate being conducted, so when i heard there was a theater, i slipped off. i'm glad i did. it's beautiful. the other is even better. greek theater? you mean they did plays here like the one that's on at the old vic now? the medea? mm-hmm. yes, they did. i'd like to see that production. i hear it's marvelous. i do, too. we'll do it together sometime, huh? yes. is there lots more to see in pompeii? oh, there's a full 10 days of exhaustive sightseeing and very many more if you include the herculaneum. well, i've got the rest of the day. would you be my guide, mr. chips? look, doesn't this bore you terribly? please--please say if it does, because-- well, i know there's nothing more awf

, ha, ha ha. i'm right there with ya on the addiction. i wish there was a way to shoot horse right into my veins! [ laughter ] some nights i just want to ride the white pony. [ laughter ] so we're all in agreement. the colbert nation is going to do for olympic dressage what we did for olympic speed skating. i won't rest until all the horses are properly equipped. imagine how much more gracefully they'll dance on skates! sad news, after this photo was taken, that horse had to be put down. [ laughter ] somehow it broke all four of its legs. not sure what happened. [ laughter ] not entirely sure what happened. ann romney, i'm responding to your response-- and inviting you to respond on my show and teach me dressage. i've already got my velvet hat, my riding crop, and thighs that were born for jodhpurs. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. folks, as a prominent libertarian, i've never been a fan of the mistaken idea

haa ha ha! ha hha ha! [snortg] >> patricia leanne caldwell born in tennessee. daughter of robert and irma. at age of 3 moved to missouri and returned when she was 12 years old. patricia grew up with segregation and injustices which she writes about. she spent many countless hours in the nashville public library. it was her family life that was bountiful and flowing with tales told by her story telling grandfather. raised with love of reading and oral tradition. graduated from tennessee state and degree in english in 1964. she married her childhood friend on december 12. they are the parents of fredrick and twins robert and john. her education continued with a master's degree in early childhood literature, and programming in 1975 from webster university. patricia has a successful career as a teacher and children's book editor. she changed careers to become a full time writer of children and young adult books. her goal is to create books for and about african-americans. i write because there is a need to have books for, by and about the african-american experience

haa ha ha! ha hha ha! [snortg]

-ha-ha-ha. shut up! >> hey, shut up! >> hey, shut up!hter ] >> conditioner is better. >> give me some candy. >> impersonation! [ cheers ] >> jimmy: aw, very nice. ♪ very nice. wow. was that a record? >> successful. 38.56 seconds. a new world record. >> jimmy: 38.56. we did it, guys! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ great job, everybody. all right, here we go. moving on. the next record is going to be longest pop and lock air -- arm wave. okay, and this is what we're going to do. i'll start the arm wave. and it's going to travel to my right, out the doors, around the hallway -- hey, everybody, how are you doing out there? [ cheers ] you guys are great! it's going to go all the way around the hallway there. and then, it's going to come right around here and enter right through here and end right here to my left. all right, very good. you excited about this? all right, very good. [ laughter ] bruce, can we have some pop and lock arm wave music? ready, everybody? ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy, 52 people. new wo

>> there has been the opposition to scott walker has been arguing among itself. the dnc has not thrown in enough money as far as the unions are concerned. president obama has a not visited the state. he did endorse barrett after he won the nomination. he hasn't done anything beyond that. >> he is even going to fly over and go to minnesota here before the recall. >> and so the unions don't think that the dnc are throwing enough resources at the race. in fact, the head of afscme criticized the dnc for this very reason. >> a school of thought among democrats that this recall election was a mistake. that they lose, the loss will be catastrophic for them in terms of what it means for scott walker's reforms and what it means for the president's prospects in wisconsin. what it means for the political clout of the unions. if they lose membership their strength comes from putting people on the ground in elections. scott walker raised an enormous amount of money and this suggests that the republicans interest the upper hand at this moment. >> which is the school of thought on the impl

haa ha ha! ha hha ha! [snortg] supervisor campos: welcome to the may 24, 2012 meeting of the joint city and school districts elect committee. we are joined today by supervisor olague, commissioner maufas, commissioner mendoza, president chiu is en route. he is actually at a different meeting today. he will be joining us as soon as the committee meeting ends. commissioner fewer is en route. the clerks are gail johnson and -- we want to thank the as of the staff for covering the meeting. madam secretary, if you could call item no. 1. >> it is a hearing about services provided to students and adults and organizations structure. supervisor campos: thank you. i will turn the floor over to commissioner maufas, who requested this very important hearing. i know that we have a number of people here for different items on the agenda. first, i would like to recognize janet riley, the president of the golden gate bridge highway transportation authority, which is celebrating its 75th anniversary. madam president, it is

ha-ha! anything could happen. ( cheers and applause ) it's all so exciting! how will the court decide? for answers we go to senior judicial correspondent jessica williams outside the supreme court. jessica! wow! this is so exciting. it's like whoo! is there any indication how the justices are leaning tonight? >> leaning? i'm pretty sure they're horizontal, as in sleeping, because it's night time and that's what you do when you're not stuck outside of an empty-asis s building. don't worry, jon, we'll all know tomorrow morning. >> jon: exactly. is that definitive? what are your source saying? are they on the record? >> jon?" yeah. >> you need to calm the ( bleep ) down. we'll know in less than 12 hours. >> jon: there has clerk says. or the white house? the place say sieve. are any of the justices on the kill list-- >> hold ojon, i am getting breaking news. chief justice roberts is announcing a 7-2 decision that you need to calm the ( bleep ) down. >> jon: so two of the justices agree with me, then. ( laughter ). just tell me this-- if they do overturn obamacare, who benefits the most, romney or obama? >> i don't know, jon! nobody knows. there's no way to answer that question without make up a bump of ( bleep ) up. >> jon: the ruling, the effects on the campaign will be meaningless, time-killing ( bleep )? >> yeah, duuh. >> jon: dough that, then. >> okay, fine. tomorrow obamacare will be overturned handing the election to mitt romney. >> jon: yes! that is totally speculative! i love this! >> and this ushering the thousand-yearling. >> jon: you are out on a limb. >> what will jesus say about the ruling? >> he will say as he said originally in the first sermon on the mountain, matthew 5:7. jon, calm the

ha ha ha. keep it this way. [ male announcer ] after a dental cleaning, plaque quickly starts to grow back. but new crest pro-health clinical plaque control reduces plaque and is clinically proven to help keep it from coming back. new crest pro-health clinical plaque control toothpaste. that's all the horses sir. ...and the men? all the king's men are here too sir. it doesn't look good. ♪ that's all the horses sir. ...and the men? all the king's men are here too sir. it doesn't look good. ♪ >>> not many people can say they've collaborated with michael jackson and justin bieber. and starred in a few major fi films. and wracked up six grammys. but will.i.am of the black eyed peas has done all of that and more. and tonight, he takes abc's nick watt "on the town." ♪ ♪ i got that hit that beat the block ♪ >> reporter: okay, i have a man crush on a renaissance man called will.i.am. ♪ i got a feeling >> reporter: "boom boom pow" and "i got a feeling" are the most downloaded songs of all-time. will is

in order for venus to be between the sun and us, everything has to, if i may, line up, and so in astronomical terms, 105 years is nothing, ha, hadon't. >> what is it scientists can cull from this experience? >> so back in the day, when we were trying -- we humans, we're trying to figure out how big the solar system is and further understand our place in space, you time the planet crossing in front of the disc of the sun, then you employ kepler's laws and you can infer the size of the nusion orbit and our orbit and the whole orbit, you can figure everything out by bootstrap if i may so the time was the key idea. >> only once every 105 years. >> twice every 105 years, so there's a dance, how to say a cosmic dance and so it happens wait to within a decade, so the other one was in 2008. >> and were you watching the show this morning while we were on? >> well, what else would i be doing? i mean, i'm a civilized person. what could i possibly be doing except watching your show? >> so you watched the shuttle "enterprise" right? >> yes. >> as it's on the hudson, what do you make of that? we were talking about the fact that it had a litt

ha ha, ha and its painted as though it was riddled by bullets, jim. >> yeah, great. >> stephanie: graffitiight are you going to be right. >> caller: you'll understand after the call. >> stephanie: right. >> caller: i don't have a problem with your reporter in the rose garden. >> stephanie: of course you don't. >> caller: and i agree with him trying to have dialogue and trying to get-- >> stephanie: in the middle of the president giving a statement? >> caller: well, he thought it was at the end-- >> stephanie: he did not. >> it was in the middle of a sentence. be right. >> caller: i'm contributing $100 to allen west. >> stephanie: awesome. >> that's money down the drain. >> caller: if i disagree with barack obama. >> stephanie: you're giving money to alan weathers so you can't possibly be racist. >> caller: so i'm giving money to allen west, but i'm not a racist. i never agree with barak hussein obama. >> stephanie: why is that? >> caller: why? because i don't believe if his policies. i believe his policies will fair. i think obama-care will be a disaster. >> it has helped millions of peopl

ha ha ha. >> stephen: welcome back. thank you, everybody. thank you, folks. nation, i am no fan of new york city billionaire billion mayor michael bloomberg. he is turning new york into an organic slow food thanny state. first he banned smoking. then he banned transfats. then he added bike lanes everywhere. now it's nearly impossible for me to hit bikers on my drive to work. and folks, now he's gone too far. >> new york city mayor mike el bloomberg has touched off a nationwide controversy with his proposal to ban supersized sugary drinks. anything larger than 16 ounce kos not be sold in restaurants, movie theatres, food carts and concession stands. >> no more giant soda at the movies for the entire family to share, no, the man says no, you can't have it. >> no more giant sodas? come on! this is america, the land of plenty. we haven't even achieved type iii diabetes yet. we're so close. and i don't know about you folks, but i can't drink less than 16 ounces. i need a soda so large that james cameron wants to go to the bottom of it. (applause) this ban, this ban

ha ha ha. i'm good. t. [ male announcer ] every time you say no to a cigarette, you celebrate a little win. nicorette mini helps relieve cravings in minutes. so you can quit one cigarette at a time. until you reach your goal. nicorette mini. quit one cigarette at a time. until you reach your goal. have you ever partaken in a car insurance taste test before? by taste? yes, never heard of it. well, that's what we're doing today. car insurance x has been perfected over the past 75 years. it's tasty. our second car insurance... they've not been around very long. mmmm... no good! no good? no good! so you chose geico over the other. whatever this insurance is, it's no good. ok so you... have an over the top experience. being hands on is key! i make sure every plate looks just right. [ male announcer ] don't miss red lobster's four course seafood feast, just $14.99. start with soup, salad and unlimited cheddar bay biscuits followed by your choice of one of 7 entrees. like new coconut and pineapple shrimp or shri

ha ha ha. >> dickey: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." night, katy perry -- alex pettyfer -- and music from the offspring. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy, the host of the show. welcome, thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] that's very kind of you. hey, if you're watching the show from florida tonight, i hope you're a safe distance from tropical storm debby, it's hard to take a storm named after snack cakes seriously, isn't it? [ laughter ] debby is a tropical storm/waffle house waitress. i liked debby when she was doing dallas, personally. [ laughter ] some areas expected to get up to 25 inches of rain the next two days, that's almost two feet, i think. [ laughter ] beach tropical storms are hardest on the weatherman, our abc affiliate assigned reporter trevor shirley to cover debby. i have to hand it to debby, he handled an unfortunate situation -- >> reporter: at this point, no evacuation orders. that is not true, we -- at thi

you put "ha ha ha." >> put "ha ha, can i read this on stage tonight?" asking my girlfriend to come over? that's funny. we can go back and forth, but i'd rather not waste my time. leave carrie alone. don't call her. don't text her. 'cause you're not her friend. just a one-hit wonder from her past." >> jimmy: that's a long text, too. >> "i'm willing to just forget everything, including your name, number, et cetera. let's end this, dot, dot, dot, now." so i just put -- "dot, dot, dot, or else." [ laughter and applause ] i go, "hey buddy, where are you texting me from? the cobra kai dojo?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you guys, this is a real text. he's a real human. "the eric andre show." >> thank you. >> jimmy: airs sunday nights at 12:30 on cartoon network's adult swim. catch his show and his live tour starting june 14th at the just for laughs festival in chicago. eric andre, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> roots, 17 times. ♪ >> jimmy: we're taking a look at call of duty: black ops 2 with activision's eric hirshberg after the break. there he is right n

. - ha ha ha. let's dance, david bowie. get the ball, karl. - i'm trying, and stop yelling at me. - stop being such a schvine! - aren't you guys playing foosball? - we've played enough for one lifetime. - we're gonna go see a movie. [giggles] - since when are those two so close? for a cookout with world champion grill master brett gallaway. he's serving his guests walmart choice premium steak. but they don't know it yet. they will. it's a steakover! the steak is excellent. very tender... melts in your mouth... so delicious... tonight you're eating walmart steak. what? it's good steak. two thumbs up. look, i ate all of mine. it matches any good steak house if not better. walmart choice premium steak in the black package... it's 100% money back guaranteed. try it for your father's day barbeque. but what about your wrinkles? neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair. its retinol formula visibly reduces wrinkles in one week. why wait if you don't have to. neutrogena®. the radical new macbook pro with retina display. why wait if you don't

ha ha ha. >> stephen: well, that's it >> stephen: well, that's it for "the report"; mac: 6:58, 6:59, seven minutes. keep going, buddy. i'm working on the chicken parts situation here. forget the chicken parts. charlie is about to shatter the world record for holding his breath. we are going to be world famous after this. - charlie, how you doing? - i got to breathe. no, charlie, don't breathe. the buns are going to burn. mac: come on! - forget about it. - are you breathing? - of course i'm breathing. - well, you ruined it. we could have been famous. - (knock at door) - come in. hi, i-- oh, i'm, uh-- what do you want, lady?

ha ha ha. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back. my guest is a legendary rocker and founding member of the allman brothers band. if you hold up your lighter at the end of the book, maybe he'll come back out and wrote an appendix. please welcome, greg allman! ( cheers and applause ) mr. allman, thanks so much for coming on. have a seat, sir. all right, sir, you know what, i gotta eye don't know even how to approach this interview with you. because you are a larger-than-life figure. are you comfortable with being referred to as a legend? >> well... uh... ( laughter ) there's some that i really don't like. that's not one -- >> stephen: you don't like-- you don't like the-- you don't like some of your legends or you don't like! things that are said about you? >> no, i don't eye don't mind being referred to as a legend ( cheers and applause ) it's a hard one to live up to, you know. >> stephen: absolutely, especially since some of your legends are pretty hard living. >> it's things like "superstar, rock star." >> stephen: civil war reenac

he has a normal iq, he has been divorced and remarried. he has no history of psychiatric illness. oddly, has worked as a correctional officer for a while. he has worked as a schoolteacher. 16 years ago, he hit his head and knocked himself unconscious. no kind of neurological events following that. for the last year, he has had some migraines. he started using pornography on the internet. he started soliciting sex from women working in massage parlors. he reports that he has a very high sex drive and conceals his behavior because he feels that it is wrong. there is a picture. [laughter] in 2010, he makes some subtle sexual advances to his stepdaughter. mom find out about this and brad is legally removed from the home and diagnosed as a pedophile. he is chemically castrated in treatment to try to reduce his sexual behavior. he is found guilty of child molestation and he is sent to a sexual addiction facility or jail. brad chooses rehab. in rehab, he starts being inappropriate. staff. he starts to solicit sex from other clients. he has some of bedwetting. the night before he goes to p

ha ha ha.

. >> they said it was has -- has has -- hazedo -- has -- wjz eyewitness news. >> buildings were staired heavy -- spared heavily damage. >> it is a gloomy tuesday. rain and lots of rain as we take a live lookout side. updating conditions in the first warning weather center for us, bob. >> areas getting as much as two- thirds an inch of rain today. most hours about a half inch. as you can see it's moving to the east. not a whole lot this evening. maybe another shower is possible. right now just to the east of harrison and now moving off. another batch 06 thunder showers moves to the east and north east. the west area just a few pop up thunder showers along a front may get us some shower activity later tonight. probably not a whole lot of activity. once the combat moves off to the east we've got a nice forecast coming beginning tomorrow. >> i don't i know it's going to be perfect timing. the boats from across the world are headed across the harbor. tonight the excitement is building and wjz is live in the harbor tonight. we have more on the final preparation before all these big ships arri

he has gone to the white house, ha, ha, ha. what was that about?that was about this accide accusation nah cleveland had a child out of wedlock somewhere and he was not the moral upstanding man that could be set up to challenge the corrupt and devious blaine. >> now, he chose a tactic as i read, not to deny. >> right. >> and apparently to pay child support. find the child and pay for its orphan -- pay for the child in the orphanage. >> a lesson for modern politicians? i also have a book here, the media, newspapers, were paern at the time. but this was a book that james g. blaine wrote. "2 0 years of congress" it helpd set the stage for his campaign i understand. and it was very well received. >> first volume, he began to write it in 1881, shortly after he was secretary of state for the first time. first volume published in 1884, maybe just in time for the campaign. second volume didn't appear until 1886. however, it was a highly popular two-volume best seller, apparently sold tens of thousands of copies and it was his personal account of his experie

grover cleveland has a child born out of wedlock, so we have this wonderful couplet where, mom, he's gone to the white house, ha-ha-ha. on the other hand we have blaine who is corrupt and there is compromising letters involving females or sexual affairs, but in this case it's something to do with his taking bribes and working for the railroad. so the american voter on one level is faced with this who are you going to vote for. personal sin or the kind of public sin of james blaine. >> to turn your question around, though, a common complaint of modern candidates who are not elected is that they would prefer to have run before that was division. substance is driven out. in the 1984 campaign, i was covering allen cranston.divisio. substance is driven out. in the 1984 campaign, i was covering allen cranston. he ran for president in the primaries. he didn't do very well. he finished sixth if you want to count it that way, but reagan actually got more write-in votes and he had to quit. we were on the airplane going back to los angeles in an old delta plane to l.a.x. and i'm sitting beside him and he says, karl, abraham

ha ha ha. rz welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, you read the papers, you know that these are uncertain economic times. if facebook can't make money with a free service that offer those tangible benefit what hope is there for the rest of us? >> that's why you need to safeguard all your assets. cash, real estate, and of course fruit. but too often your fruit investments especially bananas are vulnerable to smooshing, jostling, or rough handling while pretending to use it as a phone. well, that ends now thanks to the banana bunker. the only all in one protection system that keeps your individual banana safe. and unlike the cumbersome banana protectors of your parent's day ba banana budget certificate easy to use. >> remove the cap, slide the banana into the container. the main body then the cap. and it's ready to go. >> great. so where's the instruction video for the banana? how do you work this thing? theory, open banana. engage. awesome. well, folks, i just ordered my banana bunker. and i can assure you one thing. it cost $16

has manifested in funding for schools. very significant gaps between california funding and the rest of the country. more recently, that has gotten even worse than it has at any time in the last 40 years. in the most recent year for which data is available, there was a -$2,856 per student. california funded each student less than the rest of the country. this is probably better than what we have seen since then, looking ahead. it is for the disgraceful, if you look at it. it is very unfortunate. supervisor campos: we are going to have a meeting starting in just a few minutes. i wonder if you do not mind wrapping up some points, with the understanding that we will come back to this item at the next meeting. >> certainly. i will point to the information on these slides, and not comment at length about them. this is our three year projection. i know the city and county is doing bucketing two years at a time. we have structural deficit as a we have structural deficit as a result of the underfunding fo

ha ha ha. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >>> jimmy: welcome back. yard balls. we'll take turns throwing these ropes which have wooden balls on each end. we're going to throw our balls at that ladder. top rung is worth three points, middle rung is worth two points, bottom rung is worth one point. >> okay. >> jimmy: and we take turns. high score wins. julianne please. you're my guests. ladies first. >> oh, dig it. okay. here we go. i'm competitive. >> jimmy: good luck. all right, come on. you can do it. ♪ >> i get some good music, though, so. oh! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what? already? ♪ >> i'm just warming up. i'm just warming up. you got to do the dance. >> jimmy: i don't know what this song is. it's like -- ♪ playing ladder golf -- all right. >> i love it. >> jimmy: a good grooves. >> yeah! [ audience ohs ] oh! oh. >> jimmy: don't turn on me so fast. [ laughter ] >> i got to do the whole, like, dance thing. >> jimmy: oh, that's very very nice. ooh la la. >> okay. ready? ♪ oh! [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: i got a chance. >> i was just making

has to go to north carolina. he has to fight for virginia. he hasohio, florida -- he's going to have to fight the whole thing. >> the thing's like lier to come down to virginia. and obama has a strong chance of wining there. >> oh, i don't? >> the leading indicator is that the obama force has lost in wisconsin. >> you say, well, that doesn't matter. romney did win the state! [overlapping dialogue] >> sean: do you know angry labor is at the president? they backed him. they raised money for him. they went to bat for him. they feel like he abandoned them in their moment of need. similarly, bill clinton is undermining him every day. bill clinton says we are in a recession. bill clinton says we need the bush tax cuts. bill clinton is praising romney. >> labor's not angry with the president -- >> yes, they are! >> sean: yes, they are. >> he wouldn't guarantee that they will support a democrat because they are a democrat -- >> everybody said -- me too, i am going to run to romney over this. that's what we are going to do ooh first sensible thing have you s

ha ha ha ha. didn't think i would get any boos out of here, i guess i shouldn't -- i should not have brought up baseball i understand. my mistake. my mistake. you got to know your crowd. >> and those new englanders missed out because earlier in the day, in durham, new hampshire, the commander in chief grabbed a dish of ice cream and offered to pick up the tab for other customers. >>> and if you read only one thing this morning, you have got to see the list of the most expensive restaurants in america. if you've ever think you spent too much money eating out, my must read is going to make you feel better. i'm telling you, i live new york, even i was surprised. on our facebook page, facebook/"jansing & co." sweet butternut. we're roasting, and grilling to create must-have meals with no preservatives. lean cuisine. be culinary chic. to create must-have meals with no preservatives. why let constipation stry miralax.? mirlax works differently than other laxatives. it draws water into your colon to unblo