ha ha ha ha-ha. ha ha. ghter ] i've also been working on some "that's what she said" zingers. [ light laughter ] for instance, when obama is talking during the debate, i'll just interrupt him and say, "that's what she said?" [ laughter ] ha ha ha. gets 'em every time. ha ha. [ laughter ] now, last week, my campaign leaked a memo telling everyone to lower their expectations for my performance in these debates because, as we all know, barack obama is an extremely gifted speaker. you might even say he's a "master debater." that's what she said? [ laughter ] ha ha ha! zing! you got zinged. you got zinged. anyway, forget lowering your expectations for my performance. here's a better idea. don't watch the debates at all. just watch something else instead. i mean, come on. there's, like, a million other shows on during the debates. i know because i happened to pick up this "television guidebook" just moments ago. let's see here. 9:00 p.m. on wednesday -- debates, debates, debates, debates. [ light laughter ] there'

>> ha, ha, ha. wait, wait, who am i? who am i? ter ] >> ha ha ha. you're the guy from -- you're the guy from men's wearhouse. do it again. do it again. give me a little bit. do a little bit more to the -- >> all right, all right. hold on. hold on. >> come on, do it. >> all right, here it goes. let me get into character. "you're going to like the way you look. i guarantee it." [ light laughter ] >> ha, ha, ha. classic. [ laughter ] what's that guy's deal anyway? >> yeah, i know, right? he's like -- he's all like, "i have a beard, and i want you to wear a suit." >> he's like the dos equis guy except for suits. [ laughter ] >> that's so messed up. [ laughter ] >> well, looks like the debate just ended. so, i guess i'll see you on tuesday at our debate? >> well, you know, actually, i think i might skip that one. [ light laughter ] >> again? ha ha ha. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> all right, all right. you got me. hey, what do you say we flip over to the jimmy fallon show? i notice they never invited your ass over to there. [ light laugh

but it has not been real fun. >> ha-ha-ha. i guess this is good-bye? [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'm just gonna go. [ cheers and applause ] [ "we are never ever getting back together" plays ] ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. that's what i'm talking about. that's the love right there. that's new york city crowd. thank you. welcome. welcome, everybody, to "late night with jimmy fallon." here's what people are talking about. >> we love you! >> jimmy: aw, i love you as well. 'cause last night was the third and final presidential debate. [ scattered cheers ] yeah. so now, if you want to see people yelling at each other on tv, your only options are "the real world," "the real housewives of new york," "the r

ha ha ha ha ha! whoo! whoo! whoo! whoo! whoo! all right! were you just hooch? i was--yeah. ne hates you guys. oh, hooch. hooch is crazy! j.d.: as much as hooch loved us, it was even better to see turk happy. see, he and carla had recently started couples therapy and i'm not sure he was enjoying it. carla says you cry after you orgasm. would you like to talk about that? no, not really. j.d.: i decided to help their marriage by moving out, partly because carla and i had accidentally kissed and messed things up, but mostly because it was time. still, finding an apartment has not been easy. i'm so sorry about your father. i'm sure he lived a wonderful life at 14 maple drive, apartment 4b. was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive? ever mention any hot neighbors? what are you doing in the on-call room? [crying] nothing. i gotta go. ok. j.d.: thankfully, turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says good-bye. ok, i'll see you around. aah! peace, homey. uh, do you guys think that clari

ha ha, ha, ha, yeah, really funny. really appreciate it. who are the people who are putting any of this into doubt in the first place? of course, the republicans. listen to this crap that they pedal out of "daily basis"." >> how do you explain the heat? summer. we have hot weather, get over it. >> that global warming thing is really kicking into high gear, isn't it. >> the issue of global warming has been fortified through substantial number of scientist who is have manipulated data. >> the last year has established as a whole premise of man-made global warming is a hoax. >> the science is bad. >> unproven science. >> that has yet to be proven and i highly doubt it's going to happen any time soon. >> still a scientific theory that has not been proven. >> cenk: that's the media. that's the republicans. when you turn to the democrats i wish i had good news for you. but president obama hasn't been that much better in his results. now he was recently on mtv kind of like candy crowly, he views it as a niche-type-of-topic. >> obama: we're not movi

ha ha ha. gets them every time. ha. >> be sure to check out our new station tumbler page, you will find pictures.tumbler.com. it is the rev's birthday. [ male announcer ] alka-seltzer plus presents the cold truth. i have a cold, and i took nyquil, but i'm still stubbed up. [ male announcer ] truth is, nyquil doesn't unstuff your nose. what? [ male announcer ] it doesn't have a decongestant. no way. [ male announcer ] sorry. alka-seltzer plus fights your worst cold symptoms plus has a fast-acting decongestant to relieve your stuffy nose. thanks. [ male announcer ] you're welcome. that's the cold truth! [ male announcer ] alka-seltzer plus. ♪ oh what a relief it is! [ male announcer ] try new alka-seltzer plus severe allergy to treat allergy symptoms plus sinus congestion and pain. and there are game-changers. try new alka-seltzer plus severe allergy those ideas that start with us rolling up our sleeves... ...and end with a new favorite room in the house. and when we can save even more on those kinds of projects... ...

ha-ha-ha! t romney won the debate last night, which means president obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night. the president seemed a little bit out of it last night. he had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friends at a dinner party. he kept looking down and frowning. it was like he was trying to find something on apple maps. the only thing that could have salvaged obama's performance is if the body of bin laden could have fell from the ceiling onto the stage. >> obama could have waterboarded alladin, put down blue, deported dora the explorer and won walking away. romney won with the sound off. look up, look up. what are you writing's so important? oh, that's -- that is impressive work. >> oh, my gosh, i love that. >> finally, to another race, one as close as the presidential contest. >> family circle's, cookie bake-off, ann romney's m & m, versus michelle obama's white and dark chocolate chip cookies. >> another waner by 51 pptd 5% to 41.5%, 287 votes, michelle ob

disspensory sat here and over the years of the decades this hospital has helped to celebrate our births, has helped to mourn our deaths, hashelped our community through our triumphs and our challenge and our obstacles. our community, i want to thank all of you for coming together. it takes a village to rebuild a hospital. and it has been an honor, i know for my colleague supervisor marr and i to be chinese supervisors working with our first chinese mayor. working with our chinese hospital of board of trustees, with the chinese chamber, with our chinese family associations, with our chinese non-profit sector and our friends from throughout the world to rebuild this hospital. and then healthcare. i want to mention for a second, that i come from a family of healthcare folks. my grandfather sold chinese herbs my brother is a physician, my brother is an actupuncturist. my mother says that becoming a politician i was a failure because i was supposed to be a doctor. you who are caring for the sick, you are doing the lord's work, for some, you are doing budah's work. i want to thank you for all that all of you have done to take ca

ha-ha-ha! y last night. the president seemed a little bit out of it last night. he had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friend at a dinner party. he kept looking down and frowning, like he was trying to find something on apple maps. only thing that could salvage his performance if the body of bin laden fell on stage. >> could have water boarded aladd aladdin, put down blue, and deported dora the explorer and won walking away. romney won with the sound up. >> you're entitled to your own plane and house but not your own facts. >> dude, he is yelling at you. look up! look up! what are you looking at? what are you writing that is so important? oh, that's nice. i didn't realize. that is impressive work. >> oh, my gosh. i love that. >> good stuff, guys. >> finally, to another race, one as close as the presidential contest. >> family sescircle's, cookie bakeup, ann romney's m & m, versus michelle obama's cookies. another winner 51.5% to 41.5%, 287 votes, michelle obama takes a swee

ha, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. >> stephanie: get over it. well not the gay math that nate silver does. contrary to -- >> republican fantasy math. >> stephanie: nate silver said that romney's momentum seems to have stopped. take wednesday's national tracking polls. lots of numbers. actual numbers. romney -- >> we were joking about the fact that someone on the right did say nate silver seems gay. his numbers must be wrong. okay. nate silver, a not gay. i don't really know. does it matter? >> it doesn't matter. no. >> stephanie: yeah. >> the other g -- >> stephanie: he's a geek. mr. romney gained ground in one of the polls. online poll conducted for reuters. lost ground in five others. romney with president obama improving his standing. mr. obama gained one point. closest we've come in a week or so to one candidate having won the day in tracking polls. that was mr. obama. >> he's not. >> stephanie: obama still has a 73.1% of winning re-election. he's at 294 electoral to romney's 243. >> fact checkers say -- >> stephanie: nate silver is a fact c

this is the, "ha-ha-ha, please tell me that's your cell phone, please." [ laughter ] [ applause ] this my favorites. it looks like obama is delivering a stack of pizzas. this is the, "this might be my job in two weeks." there we go. [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] >> steve: what are you going to do? >> jimmy: hey, what are you going to do? >> steve: it's america. >> jimmy: this next expression is great. this is obama and romney from one of their recent debates. this is the, "macarena time, y'all." [ laughter ] everyone did that. >> steve: everyone did that. yeah, come on. ♪ hey macarena [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: check out this next lesser known expression. this is a great one. this is the, "get that weak shiz out of my house!" [ laughter ] this next expression is one of my favorites. take a look at this one. this is the, "check out my cosby expression." [ as bill cosby ] "theo, where did you put my jello pudding pop?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] here's one from a joint news conference with canadian prime minister stephen harper. this is the, "pretending to pay attention while actually t

ha, ha, ha. ha, ha, ha, ha. i've also been working on some that's what she said zingers. e, i'll just interrupt him and say, that's what she said? ha, ha, ha. gets them every time. ha, ha. now, last week my campaign leaked a memo telling everyone to lower their expectations for my performance in these debates because as we all know, barack obama is an extremely gifted speaker. he might even say he's a master debater. that's what she said? ha, ha, ha. zing. you got zing. you got zing. >> that's what she said? oh, my god, i love him. all right. here with us now from -- >> that's what she said. >> here with us now from denver, we're going to go over the polls now. nbc news chief white house correspondent and political director and host of "the daily rundown." let's start with the battleground poll released this morning, and it shows where the race stands in three key states. we'll start with ohio, virginia and then florida. in ohio, the president has opened up an eight-point lead among likely voters. however, in virginia, the president's lead has shrunk to just two points wit

been you know has has ended really and the same goes for other missions too so frankly speaking i don't think nato has has a record of staying but you know one thing of course well the reason i'm asking is that in one of your own interviews here in moscow you said that this suspicion both russia and nato have towards each other you called it a bad habit do you think that it's coming from the cold water as well do you think that we can ever overcome this bad yes in fact if that's the intuition which you allude to i said i compared it to my own recent hard experience of quitting smoking it's very hard in the beginning but then the world looks better and actually you know. it's highly advisable it's a bit like well rhetorical once you get rid of it then the world looks nice and so on but you know i something is possible and you know it is possible if you look at the overall relationship of russia if you think of economic relations if you think of tourists if you think of sports you name it. does anybody really think of the cold war injury is just when you start talking about security issues that suddenly

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! so, with obama in trouble, they reedit to give obama more credit. coincidence? know he is running against obama but the hollywood arm of his own publicity machine. that is as clear as the nighties in kimberly's closet. it raises questions why can you politicize bin laden and not benghazi? obama takes credit for one and avoids responsibility for the other. what happens if this films triggers mob violence? will weinstein be arrested? he has been silent on the subject of free expression. the anti-muslim filmmaker sweats in jail. perhaps harvey could keep him company. heck, they could watch the movie together. kimberly? >> kimberly: ah-ha. >> greg: dana, you still get zero credit for killing bin laden or anything else for that matter. >> dana: i killed a bug once and a frog. never underestimate the obama team and their surrogates in hollywood. their tendency toover do it -- to overdo it. america is like we get it, we know that you killed bin laden. we have seen it 100 times. if you can imagine that president obama would invite the cast and the crew to white house th

, ha, ha.but you will all be working to close the gap. so lanar is here, you know, i need more than $25,000 from you cofy, i need $25 million from you. so when you borrow the money from the chinese government, when they buy, you know, invest in your program, you can tact along a few more million for us. but anyway that is the whole trick. thank you very much. i won't take your time. [ applause ] >> and now signing of the legislation, mayor? >> are we ready? >> yes, we are ready. ♪ [ applause ] ♪ ♪ . >> okay. mr. mayor good morning everyone. i am mr. alva residence and the director of the housing authority and today mayor lee will be announcing one of the most extraordinary funding announcements in the history of my 26 years in this business to ever occur. today we're going to get twins. we're going to get -- the mayor is going to talk about two choice initiative planning grants, this i believe culminates the mayor's leadership, cements the idea for hope sf and restores hope to hope sf and we ha

- ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, ha, ha. terrific! hey, i'm hungry. let's go eat some batteries-- i mean, human food. - hey, uh, batteries-- i mean, human food sounds good to me. wonderful. - let's go. - [laughs] they're sometimes called study drugs. they're prescription medicines >> kate snow's intimate portrait of one ivy league student shows how destructive study drugs can be. >> in about five seconds' time, you've gone from straight "a" student to handcuffs. >>> also, saving the orangutan. their habitat is being destroyed for a common household product. the all-out effort to save a great species. >> we got it. we got it. >> why did you feel you needed to get him out of there? >> these things will be gone in 12 months. >> he wouldn't have survived in there? >> no, no. this is the last resort. >>> and the world of tory burch. her huge success, her sure sense of style. her fabulous life in new york. >> obviously i love color. >> and what she admits to harry smith is the question she was dreading about the feud with her ex-husband who helped get her st

, ha, ha.but you will all be working to close the gap. so lanar is here, you know, i need more than $25,000 from you cofy, i need $25 million from you. so when you borrow the money from the chinese government, when they buy, you know, invest in your program, you can tact along a few more

bill: when you hear people say barack obama is a socialist, you are a real socialist, you say. >> ha ha. >> hahat's what i thought. >> bill: is he not even close, right? >> no. i believe in a cushion, keeping the citizens alive and well and educated and housed. barack obama doesn't provide that nor does this country. >> bill: you and i are in the same union do you know that after sag. it's not militant enough for you. >> no. >> bill: i think you and i should run for president and vice president. i'll be the president and you be the vice president of the union. [ laughter ] >> bill: i would send you on peace keeping missions. >> that u.n. stirred up. >> bill: i like my union but what i don't like is the municipal unions it's not the fault of the workers who have now negotiated contracts that we can't pay. that's what happened in wisconsin, that's what's happening all over the place. your state, california, bankrupt. it can't pay the pensions. >> i see the municipal workers and the teachers as being the last preservation of organized labor in this country. we borrow and borrow and borrow and bor

. >> ha ha ha! now you're mine! come join my harem. >> stephen: no, no! you've got to fight ottoman delicacy with an anti-ottoman delicacy. a croissant. yes, the croissant, created in 1683 to celebrate the victory over the ottomans at the battle of vienna. its crescent shape marks the moon upon your plant. >> no, not the light and flaky pastry of my people's darkest hour! >> stephen: b gone, turk! >> no! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh-- thank you. thank you, congressman louie gohmert for warning us against the ottoman menace. but remember, sir, you're from texas. obama's probably also reviving the empire of montezuma and his as tech warriors on quetzalcoatl's back! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) ó÷ow?[?zg (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. now, before the break i told you how louie gohmert had revealed barack obama's secret plan to resurrect the ottoman empire by denying us bacon. (laughter) yet another reason we must elect mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs

has been in not being able to connect. -- with the common man and woman and child. he has to be able to come across as connecting. he has to come across as caring and likable. >> the candidate that makes a person -- a connection with the person asking a question is making a connection with the folks back tom. >> the stakes could not be higher. >> i spoke with politico -- i started by asking what they thought of -- president obama as plan of attack would be. >> he has to show up to participate, and i do not just been physically. he has got to engage has to give crisp, sharp answers we did not see from him last time. his staff is working hard on that. we have to see him ready to defend his own record and willing to press mitt romney on the various positions mitt romney has taken. the obama campaign has unveiled this argument starting after the first debate about the two made romney's, who is the real one? we'll have to see the president continue that line of attack if he wants to be effected. >> the president may have a bit of an advantage because of the town hall setting. something that mitt romney might not have been co

ha ha ha! i forgot. alright, alright. [ woman: ] i used to wonder, why would a jew, a christian, and a muslim ever get together? it was him!it w! and then, i finally got it. they had a lot more in common than donuts. ♪ love can build a bridge. ♪ ♪ oh, love and only love. ♪ ♪ between your heart and mine. ♪ unemployment in america. it's now at 7.8. i predict, as per mort, it will be at 8.0 or 8.1. >> did you read what the former president of general electric said about those numbers? he said california had not predicted its numbers and the number was 7.9. >> jack welsh said. >> he appeared to be right because california didn't get in their numbers. compound good t. richard murdoch the republican candidate in indiana for the senate was underscored nervousness among women about what a republican take over of the congress and a republican in compared to 2008. ghts. >> most i italian stocks will stabilize and rally much like ireland which has become a poster child for reinventing itself. that is ireland. bye by

he has a normal iq, he has been divorced and remarried. he has no history of psychiatric illness. oddly, has worked as a correctional officer for a while. he has worked as a schoolteacher. 16 years ago, he hit his head and knocked himself unconscious. no kind of neurological events following that. for the last year, he has had some migraines. he started using pornography on the internet. he started soliciting sex from women working in massage parlors. he reports that he has a very high sex drive and conceals his behavior because he feels that it is wrong. there is a picture. [laughter] in 2010, he makes some subtle sexual advances to his stepdaughter. mom find out about this and brad is legally removed from the home and diagnosed as a pedophile. he is chemically castrated in treatment to try to reduce his sexual behavior. he is found guilty of child molestation and he is sent to a sexual addiction facility or jail. brad chooses rehab. in rehab, he starts being inappropriate. staff. he starts to solicit sex from other clients. he has some of bedwetting. the night before he goes to p

ha, ha, ha. >> reports say in were no injuries in this situation. [ gunfire ] >>> this bridge in texas on the hardin-jasper county lines has been the place where people have been dumping their dogs. >> what? >> in this area, people have been complaining to county officials in both counties that people are dumping their dogs off this bridge off of highway 96. and one man saw somebody throw a black bag over the bridge, and inside, this is what he found. >> this is one of the dogs they throwed over the bridge. >> that dog -- >> i opened up the bag and i don't know, if could have been a baby. >> saying it perfectly how people should really feel about their dogs. >> the dog is supposed to be like your best friend, companion. i mean, they show you love. they're like human, too. >> but it's the cutest dog ever, too. i can't imagine what's going through someone's mind that they would do this to a helpless little adorable puppy. >> what about the surveillance camera there? >> i want to save the dogs and the cats, though. this is the most heartbreaking thing -- it's awful. >> put them in a shelt

has passed fundamental ad approval. >> and quickly became very popular amongst the younger crowd. >> this is daniel, and he has been puffing the blue pill for ten years. since he was 20 years old. he went on a tv show this morning to admit his addiction. >> when you're under the influence of alcohol or es ches specially with the life i sort of lead, women, your mind is on the other thing. therapy going to come home with you and you need to perform, and you need to fulfill that. >> everybody year, spending a lot of money on viagra. a fantastic drug, they say, for men who actually have trouble, but when you're taking it as a recreational drug it does have side effects. in fact, he claims that when he takes the pill, he can hear his heartbeat and feel heart palpitations. >> they tell people with heart problems don't take viagra. >> he can still function without the pill. for him he can san weaning himself off. >> ha, ha, ha. >> all you need to do, have a healthier lifestyle, stop all the partying, all the drinking. >> let's ebe honest, that's the fun. >>> and gathering in china not to see somebody famous, but somebody infamous. police arrest add suspect. a man they believe killed a woman in broad daylight before stabbing another woman. the suspect was being transferred to a different province and being brought to the police station here. >> oh. >> police cars pull up. they can't even get to the police station. they pull the suspect out of the back of the car and the mob goes crazy. the police have got him bent over an arm bar. rush them through the crowd. the other blue shirts try to hold the crowd back. they were this upset about this murder. >> i'm surprised they were able to get him away from the crowd that quickly. >> bounce over to south africa. an interesting type of theft. a strange one. man pulls into a parking lot with a red ferrari, but keep your eye on the black mini to the right. gets

somebody develops cancer surgery doesn't help because if you try to cut down the cancer you cut out ha ha ha of the organism i mean i mean there was no it's so so so so. it's treatment it's long very long and painful treatment the important for that is a true yes sure first you have to change your mindset and what i said i offered several cues but the first set of rules is a very good thing that you serve. because when the when the when the customs tariff is so why then it's easier to bribe a person or one won't be he may be too weak to refuse them because well into millions and millions ok listen what are the other bringing issues i'm not sure corruption is the only issue that you're fighting what's the other burning issues for for the customs organization. well another burning issue is burning issues of course great can't have it is only one thing they are not a cortex well you have huge drug trafficking in your country and i gain. more than seventy percent of the drugs that border so this is another problem and. more recently for example environment when we talk about the environment it i

ha, ha, ha. gets them every time. last week, my campaign leaked a memo telling everyone to lower expectations for my performance in these debates. as we all know barack obama is an extremely gifted speaker. you might even say he's a master debater. that's what she said? you got zing. you got zing. >> i don't know, man. fallen is giving zadakas a run for his moment on this romney impression. >>> here's the latest. >> mr. president, china is demanding that the u.s. pay back its debt in full immediately. failure to do so will bring on financial apocalypse. you need to look into that camera and convince the people of china we are good to pay back that debt. >> why you got to play me like that, china? when you loan that money to my predecessors, did you really think you were going to get it back? >> china's not budging but we have just had the results back from your latest presidential physical and it tornadoes out you have telepathic powers. look into that camera and convince the chinese they need to step down. >> it's yo

has made issues. he has said he is severely conservative president. he will be a severely conservative governor. he hasd on issue after issue, he will vote in line with the pro-life. you are pro-life. >> he is pro-life, absolutely. >> and he has an agenda that will take away women's rights on contraception as well as reproductive health. >> that has never been an issue at all. he will be pro-life. he has taken that position. >> you are saying it is the funding. >> it is the funding issue. >> neera is saying it is taking away access for some women. >> he wouldn't think about doing that. it has never happened. it has been out there since the 1950s. nobody is suggesting that anyone take a woman's right to access for contraception away. that is completely false. what we are talking about? who funds it and should we require employers to do so or should they do it whether they would like to or not? >> he would overturn roe v. wade. he would take away the right. >> thank you very much. let us know what you think on twitter. is this new gallup poll, is that the number one issue for women? let us know what you

finally one amateur football team in greece has come up with a novel way of getting around the country's economic turmoil. sponsored by two local brothels the decision has cost control they say with league organizers banning the logos during matches saying it violates the sporting ideal and is unsuitable for underage supporters the emblems of the villa erotica and solos house of history appear on the garish pink shirts as teams look for new ways to finance the themselves and make drastic government cuts however some say the moral outrage is simply a case of hypocrisy. they advertise sports betting firms various lottery and sports betting games what are these and the gambling and these brothers sponsorship brothers down forget it it's a false sense of outrage hypocrisy. and i was all from the water sports for now but i'll be about with twenty more in just under two hours time aaron r.t. do join me that. mission free credit take. free transport charges free. range month free risk free studio time free. download free broadcast quality video for your media projects and a free media dog r.t. dot com in. what will change when america picks its president amid