let's go pound the alarm ♪ ♪ hey hey hey hey hey hey hey ♪ ♪ pound the alarm ♪ pound the alarm ♪ [ cheerse ] >> jay: yes! nicki minaj! that was great. that was great. that was great. that was great. nicki minaj. i want to thank my guests dana carvey and of course nicki minaj. monday night charlie sheen will be here. have a great weekend. jimmy fallon is next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

, hey, hey.he road. >> be cool. be cool. >> hi, officer. is there a problem? >> hi. >> jimmy: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: in 3-d this weekend. check it out. "madagascar 3." when we come back, chris rock and i are going to play a game. come on. i'll be fun. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and our team was able to exceed expectations with complete equanimity look at you using a big word in an office meeting ♪ ooh look at you ♪ using a big word in an office meeting ♪ ♪ all correctly and stuff ♪ you got a big presentation and colleagues to impress ♪ ♪ why not employ complex vernacular ♪ ♪ to substantiate your intelligence ♪ ♪ he used a big big word promote him right away ♪ hooray big word usage! red stripe ♪ hooray beer! [ marcy ] it's like memory foam. [ female announcer ] the only pad made from a revolutionary material. [ erina ] it totally fits to your body. [ female announcer ] it's incredible protection, you'll barely feel it. always infinity. tell us what you think. [ john ] n

hey. hey, so how was, uh, blame it on the rain? hey, thanks for getting us tickets, too. ohh. elaine, let me ask you a question. was the movie part of the bet? no. we were both in the mood for one. you know, elaine... it's not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close friends. oh, is that so? absolutely, but i feel i must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet. what? what are you talking about? come on. dustin hoffman in star wars? he made a bet he knew he was gonna lose just to take you to dinner. if he wanted to ask me out, why didn't he just ask me? because if he doesn't ask you out, he doesn't get rejected. he's found a dating loophole. i don't buy it. so what happened after the movie? nothing. he walked me home. to the door? yeah. that's a date. no, it's not. but i never walk you home. that's just because you're a jackass. ha! i found a quarter. ok, anybody want their clothes heated? no, no... no. no thanks. so how'd you leave it with him? i'm supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars. that's another loophole. oh... that's 2 dates wit

. ♪ ( laughs ) ♪ and i say hey! ♪ hey!nderful kind of day ♪ ♪ if we could learn to work and play ♪ ♪ and get along with each other ♪ ♪ you got to listen to your heart ♪ ♪ listen to the beat ♪ ♪ listen to the rhythm, the rhythm of the street ♪ ♪ open up your eyes open up your ears ♪ ♪ get together and make things better by working together ♪ ♪ it's a simple message and it comes from the heart ♪ ♪ believe in yourself ♪ ♪ for that's the place to start ♪ ♪ and i say hey! ♪ hey! ♪ what a wonderful kind of day ♪ ♪ if we could learn to work and play ♪ ♪ and get along with each other. ♪ hey! ♪ what a wonderful kind of day ♪ ♪ hey! what a wonderful kind of day. ♪ hey! arthur: hey, d.w. hey! whoa! ( crash ) way to lose, arthur. brain: i thought you were going to win. not me. i always knew you would lose. i'm so glad you did. mmm, me, too. you're a great loser. i couldn't have done it without you-- especially you buster. what are friends for? francine: three cheers for arthur the loser! all: hip, hip, hooray! hip, hip, hooray! do you

hey hey hey hey hey hey ♪ ♪ pound the alarm ♪ pound the alarm ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yes!at. that was great. that was great. nicki minaj. i want to thank my guests dana carvey and of course nicki minaj. monday night charlie sheen will be here. have a great weekend. jimmy fallon is next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much, everybody! i feel the love! what a great new york city crowd! welcome. welcome, everybody -- [ cheers and applause ] -- to "late night with jimmy fallon." hey, everybody, today is friday the 13th. [ cheers ] considered to be the unluckiest day of the year. yeah. most people are avoiding black cats while mitt romney is still avoiding black audiences. [ laughter ] >> steve: we've got to -- that's right. you know. what

hey, don't spray it, buddy.hat are you going to do? >> jimmy: what to do. >> steve: it's called the truth. >> jimmy: yeah. it's called the truth, google it. >> steve: yeah, google it. google it. look it up on the wikipedia. >> jimmy: you sound like an intelligent man. >> steve: well, you know, i read. [ laughter ] the google. >> jimmy: that's good. ♪ thank you, staucks, for improving your pastries with baked goods from a french bakery called la boulange. first you made us learn italian, now we've got to learn french, too? what's next, chinese? can i get a venti cappuccino, a beignet, and a hee sai mee chu. [laughter and applause ] >> steve: it's more about globalization. >> jimmy: that means chicken sandwich. >> steve: yeah. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, moss, for being toupees for rocks. [ laughter ] not his real hair. >> steve: no. i'm not only a member, i'm a client. >> jimmy: very good, man. stone cold good. >> steve: is that stone cold? got it? i googled it. that's what it's named. it's call the truth. google it.

. >> hey! you made it. hey, come on back. you made it. hey! you're here. hey. >> this girl appears to be home alone and looking for company. >> come on in. >> she keeps waving men into the garage. >> come on in. >> and they keep following her. >> come on back. >> all the way to the backyard. >> i made some drinks. i made frozen lemonade. >> excellent. >> when where she offers them a drink. >> i made frozen lemonade. i'm going to get changed. have a seat. okay? >> anyone watching this scene repeat itself over and over might be wondering what's going on. die you bring the condoms? >> yep. >> good. >> the girl is an 18-year-old actress hired by "dateline." she's inviting suspected sex predators to sit at a bar in a backyard that is wired with hidden cameras. >> where do you work? >> software. >> like the computer? oh. >> she chats with the men making them feel more at ease. >> office your ride? >> i missed my train first. then i missed my bus. >> oh, no. but you got here. that's the good part. >> and then i come out. >> you had quite the commute today, huh? w

♪ ho hey come on now ho ♪ ♪ i don't think you're right for him hey look at what it might have been ♪ you'd took a bus to chinatown hey i'd be ♪ ♪ standing on canal ho and bowery hey ♪ ♪ ho she'd be standing next to me hey 2, 3 ♪ ♪ i belong with you you belong with me you're my sweetheart i belong with you ♪ ♪ you belong with me you're my sweetheart love we need it now let's hope for some ♪ ♪ so were bleeding now i belong with you you belong with me you're my sweetheart ♪ ♪ i belong with you you belong with me you're my sweet ho hey ♪ ♪ ho last one hey ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: lumineers. nice job, you guys. thank you so much. that was beautiful. great song, you guys. nice song, gentlemen. nice song. thank you guys. i want to thank my guests, jessica biel, kevin smith and, of course, the lumineers. tomorrow night, colin farrell will be here along with dwyane wade from the miami heat. but "jimmy fallon" is happening right now. jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- an

[ light laughter ] you're supposed to say, "$2.99." >> jimmy: okay. >> hey. >> jimmy: hey. >> what dohad it back there. >> how much -- when did you buy it? [ laughter ] okay, last -- last time. last take. >> jimmy: okay, let's do it one more time. [ laughter ] >> hey, bob -- >> jimmy: hey, no, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] [ sad tuba ] all right, here we go. ready to go? [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: one more time. >> you know, philadelphia, that sound, is -- [ scattered cheers ] no, no. you people know, that sound -- that sound he just made, he's saying something about my mother. >> jimmy: no, no, no. bill, that is not -- please calm down. that is not what he's saying. no, no, bill! calm down. bill, calm down. right here, there you go. ready? >> what are we going to do? >> jimmy: i have a surprise for you. >> we're going to go get him together, you and i. [ laughter ] my old partner, bob hope, whenever i say let's go get him -- >> jimmy: he was there. >> huh? >> jimmy: he there was for you. >> no, he said, "let me go get somebody else." >> j

say hello, guys. >> hey. >> jimmy: how's it going?e you guys. now, don't remove the blindfold until i tell you guys. this is pretty -- it's going to be pretty crazy. if dan goes for it? >> yeah. yeah, definitely. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. is the blindfold over your ears as well? is that -- [ laughter ] >> sorry. >> jimmy: no, it's fine. please. all right, here we go. you ready -- you ready for the brand-new, freshly permed dan? [ drumroll ] [ cheers and applause ] here is dan before. and here he is now! dan, come on out! >> jimmy: whoa. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ little spring -- little spring to your step now. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] wow. it's almost like a -- like a johnny galecki type of vibe, isn't it? little "big bang" -- very, very good. >> yeah? cool. >> jimmy: yeah, i think so. you guys think he looks good, right? [ cheers and applause ] hey, all right, guys. come on over. hold hands. use the buddy system. use the buddy system. come on over. and get ready to see the new dan. take off your blindfolds! [ drumroll ] here he is.

oh, hey, alice. how are you? what's up?ey, if you're still at the office, can you let the inspector in? he's locked out. i don't want to piss him off and not get the $8,000 security deposit back. - um, no, no, no, no. you must have misunderstood us. we are not at the old office. we are watching the old office, the tv show, on an ipad in the car on the way to the new office. - what? hello? [hip-hop music]

hey, dan. >> reporter: hey, doreen, hey, vince, danny boyle's show really was spectacular and well receivedcals. one writer said it was utterly british, brilliant and bonkers all at the same time. obviously, it had everything, james bond, the queen, the sex pistols, sheep, muhammad ali, music, also a huge part, four decades worth of british music throughout this show. what a spectacular extravaganza. one of the best moments, olympic rings joined to form the olympic rings and was raised above the stadium, showing sparks over the stage. danny boyle showed his directing chops with a short movie that involved james bond and the queen. it was a little weird because it went from daylight to nighttime, but we can't be too picky, then sir paul mccartney singing "hey jude." a couple performers, some still very energized. >> this is my first olympic games, and i was just so thrilled. it was just like an amazing experience. you just had this chill kind of running through your bones that we're actually here, you know in there was a moment shannon and i were standing in the middle, fireworks were going

hey, boo!"s that the saints have offered quarterback drew brees a five-year, $100 million contract. wow. that's even better than katie holmes. [ laughter ] hey guys, this is cool. a hotel in england is bringing in kindles to replace bibles in their nightstands. [ laughter ] yeah, and then they'll be bringing in more bibles to replace those stolen kindles. if i steal a bible, might as well take a kindle. >> steve: hey, free kindle! >> jimmy: speaking of england, officials with the london olympics say that facebook will play a major role in this year's games. though it'll be weird when during gymnastics, the scorers are like, "6.5, 6.8 -- it's complicated, like." i just saw this. after seven years of planning and construction, this week, donald trump opened his golf course in scotland. that's right, seven years of raking, plowing, and fertilizing or as trump calls that, "a haircut." [ cheers and applause ] [ as trump ] beautiful, 24-karat gold marble inlay. it's a beautiful, beautiful, thing. marb

because i said hey, nice show to a guy who everybody was mad at.w the lesson -- >> it's dangerous. >> jon: dangerous. >> but here's the thing, this is like a fight between comedians and bloggers. we're all just hyperbowl and garbage come out of those two places. >> all very similar groups. just uneducated, unfettered. just -- >> it is also a fight between comedians and feminists which natural enemies. easily because stereo typically speaking feminists can't take a joke and stereo typically speaking, and comedians-- see. and comedians and on the other side. >> send you back to vermont. >> and on the other side come ediants are big pussies. and they can't-- so to one side you say if you don't like the jokes stay out of the comic. if you don't like-- stop googling yourself every 10 seconds, nobody is making you read it. its all die league-- dialogue is -- >> you know what is interesting is these new technological innovations, challenge the performer to-- you remember the old days comedy, you feed your family, come up with 15 minute material. you feed

♪ ♪ hey oh hey oh hey oh hey oh ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: kimbra.h. that was worth it. see that was great. thank you. i want to thank my guests wanda sykes, rob riggle, and of course kimbra. tomorrow night, zachary levi will be here. but jimmy fallon is happening right now. jimmy, take it! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. i feel the love. thank you so much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon" everybody. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. hey. [ cheers ] thank you, guys. it is going to be a fun show tonight. here's some political news. last week house speaker john boehner said that americans won't fall in love with mitt romney before the election. [ light laughter ] yeah. which

hi gang. >> hey hey. >> bill: romney, unbelievable.here he stands in front of this african-american audience. mr. white bread, mitt romney. the mormon church which would not even accept african-american men as priests of course women never but priests in the mormon church until 1997. he was a bishop of the church when that policy was in place. never protested against it at all. i'm not saying he's a racist. i'm saying he was certainly out in front as a leader of what was then a racist organization. >> he is one of the whitest politicians i have ever seen. >> bill: right. i mean bill clinton was white but he was the first african-american president. >> absolutely. >> bill: mitt romney is white white, white white white. okay. no way relates. yet he says look me over! >> romney: if you want a president who will make things better in the african-american community, you're looking at him. >> c'mon! >> romney: take a look. [ laughter ] >> bill: you take a look! look at me! here i am! just take a look! you could hear people. they were laughin

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i need my -- just give it back. >> hey, hey, hey. >> hey! >> oh, no! >> all right, all right, all right. >> breaks the board into pieces and then throws it at the guys once they finally leave the exit door of the park. we contacted the folks at eden park. according to the spokesperson, they found out with cc-tv footage that the skater was lying about the gate being opened. they did, in fact, break in. >> what he should have done is said, you come get the board when we're open for business. get out. >> they also didn't comment on whether any further action would be taken against the security guard or the trespassers. >>> our soldiers are still serving overseas and in harm's way. you will never believe what happened to these soldiers while on patrol in afghanistan. >> oh, [ bleep ]. >> he thought it was an empty artillery shell. then he noticed there was a wire on it. so they all broke into a run. >> get back, get back, get back. >> [ bleep ]! sorry. scared the bl[ bleep ] out of h. we just found a bomb. >> i'm surprised he just went up to that thing and

the reason every seinfeld character was greeted with "hey jerry" or "hey hey george" was a secret tributeshow where they were greeted with "hey barn" or "hey andy." >> mitt romney is spending the fourth of july in mentioning earlier. there he is. for more, let's get back t our campaign inbed, who is live in new hampshire. the parade has now finished. mitt romney, done glad-handing, perhaps back to his relaxation and his july fourth. >> reporter: hey, richard, we are poulling up toward the end f this thing as we speak. we will get remarks at the very end of this route here in a park overlooking the bay. it should be gorgeous. after that, yeah, we expect him to go back to the compound, relax a little more family time. for now, he and senator ayotte working their way through the crowds, greeting folks who come out to this parade. >> you were watching that chemistry, kelly ayotte along with mitt romney. any indications to the question at least many will be asking, is she a possible vp pick? >> reporter: well, there's a number of factors working in her favor. she was a very early aide to romne

>> hey, bill.romney probably has a portfolio like most wealthy americans where they have financial advisors. >> i am sure. >> not illegal to do what he is doing. is it red blood american? it's a diversion for the jobs package which i am glad obama did something and reached across the aisle yesterday. but i want to run on biden's record, too. i am in the neighboring state of delaware and there is no manufacturing left. are we going to turn this into a mud-slinging contest or stick to the issues? >> well, tom, tom. there are a lot of issues, but this is one issue. this is one issue at the moment, and i think romney's on the ropes here because he won't release his tax returns. i told you, he gave -- i didn't -- i never said it was illegal, by the way. i never suggested it was illegal. i just am saying that he gave john mccain 23 years of tax returns. his father released 12. obama and biden have released 12 years of tax returns. why is he only releasing one year? >> well you don't want to talk about wa

>> hey, shut up! >> hey, shut up! >> i need a clothespin. >> hey, why is everybody laughing at me?is better. >> give me some candy. >> impersonation! [ cheers ] >> jimmy: aw, very nice. ♪ very nice. wow. was that a record? >> successful. 38.56 seconds. a new world record. >> jimmy: 38.56. we did it, guys! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ great job, everybody. all right, here we go. moving on. the next record is going to be longest pop and lock air -- arm wave. okay, and this is what we're going to do. i'll start the arm wave. and it's going to travel to my right, out the doors, around the hallway -- hey, everybody, how are you doing out there? [ cheers ] you guys look great! it's going to go all the way around the hallway there. and then, it's going to come right around here and enter right through here and end right here to my left. all right, very good. you excited about this? all right, very good. [ laughter ] bruce, can we have some pop and lock arm wave music? ready, everybody? ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy, 52 people. new world record. >> jimmy: 5

. ♪ [ engine revving ] ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ [ tirescreech ] [ male announcer ] with fuel economy that's and better acceleration than camry and accord, you'll wish you had the road to yourself. [ tires screech ] it's our most innovative altima ever. nissan. innovation that excites. ♪ >> remember when the rez was trying to sell his plan? he said this a lot of times. and listen, no matter what you've heard. if you like your doctor or health care plan, you can keep it if you've got to doctor that you want, you will be able to keep your doctor. >> if you've got health insurance you like your doctor, you like your plan, you can keep your doctor. you can keep your plan. >> if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. >> nobody is talking about taking that away from you. >> oh, really? well, we received a lot of e-mails from our viewers saying their doctors were considering quitting their practice because of obama care. why would they do that? well, we're going to ask. a dermatologist who just sold his practice in arizona. dr. kathy hampton from houston, had to layoff employees and strugg

hey, what did i say?2007. that was mitt romney's idea, the auto rescue. >> yeah. >> stephanie: on pace the cars and trucks for 2012. that was the best sales year since 2007. you would think that we would a proud to be american moment. don't you? battle. [ ♪ music[ ♪ music ♪ ] >> stephanie: i thought we could all get along. but i guess not. i guess he would not say thank you, mr. president, thank you for saving the auto industry and all of those jobs and making us number one again in the world. >> did they call you columnist. >> stephanie: it was a joke. >> what did you call them back? >> stephanie: gecko. ed a in gordon gecko: the president on the committee committee{^l"^^}. >> obama: we got to grow the economy even faster and put more people back to the work. >> stephanie: just saying. just saying. i literally--i don't think i'm blocking it out chris i do not remember news coverage when they were losing 7,000 jobs a month. [ screaming ] you would have thought that newscasters would be screaming. now when

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- hey, hey, hey, you guys ready for some roast? - yes, that looks good, drama. - ♪ please allow me to introduce myself ♪ ♪ i'm a man of wealth and taste ♪ ♪ i've been around for a long long year ♪ ♪ stole many a man's soul and faith... ♪ ♪ and i was around when jesus christ ♪ ♪ had his moment ♪ of doubt and pain ♪ made damn sure ♪ that pilate ♪ washed his hands ♪ to seal his fate captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. boom! my name is jon stewart. we got one for you tonight. rashida jones is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) you think i'm lying. i'm not lying. folks continuation has begun. the first triple x olympics. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'm being told that's the 30th olympics. (laughter) you sure it's not triple x. have you seen the beach volleyball? you have seen it? someone has sand in their butt. (laughter) you remember the beijing opening ceremonies, where a tribute to what monolithic state control can accomplish. like

. - hey, sharon, randy, great harvest, huh? - an incredible harvest. some of the best corn i've seen in years. - hey, check it out. - and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. hannah montana's miley cyrus, though only 15 years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar. - looks like next harvest will be even better. ♪ re tus all: ♪ hote homnibus ♪ re u tu te form-day-boose ♪ ♪ flay-tus ♪ ko-me-fay ko-me-fay ♪ - ♪ sancto may us ko-me-fay ♪ captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. oh, lordy, lordy, lordy, we've got a good one for you tonight. our guest: seth mcfarlane, the gentleman behind "family guy." let me just say this, if you see one movie this summer where a teddy bear uses a urinal, make it "ted." (laughter) we begin tonight with fast and furious, a scandal which as you'll recall fast and furious was a program where we allowed untrackable guns to be sent to