(sighs) hey, hey. hey. we need to talk about us. i miss us.ithout it. oh, god. what? um... was somebody else here? test. [ male announcer ] look down. it's high time to make our floor look better and feel softer. ♪ how 'bout we start with the guaranteed low price on the carpet... the pad, and installation. let's get peace of mind for a lifetime. it all adds up to better carpet at a better price and a great-looking room, transformed. more saving. more doing. that's the power of the home depot. get 12 months special financing on carpet purchases when you use your home depot credit card. get 12 months special financing on carpet purchases got the mirrors all adjusted? you can see everything ok? just stay off the freeways, all right? i don't want you going out on those yet. and leave your phone in your purse, i don't want you texting. >> daddy... ok! ok, here you go. be careful. >> thanks dad. >> and call me--but not while you're driving. we knew this day was coming. that's why we bought a subaru. no. isn't that weird? he doesn't want me to hang o

hey, chase. i'm will. - hey, will.secret. - you knew chase was coming, will? - [both laugh] - gotcha. - gotcha. - guess so! chase, you're always full of surprises. - who, me? anyway, i'd like you to meet my friends. - here's molly, alma, chloe, and zoey. - hey, i'm chase. - that's a cool name. - this is my horse wonder. [wonder whinnies] - he is wonderful. - so, how long are you here for, chase? - how about as long as you can stand me? - hee hee! you're silly. - at least through this weekend. - hey, sarah, maybe chase could ride in our show. we could use more riders. - yeah! - that'd be great! - well, what do you say, chase? [wonder whinnies] - hmm. let me check my calendar first. well, it looks like if i juggle a few things, a show is a can-do for me and wonder. - oh, great. now we have to share the spotlight with somebody else. and how are we gonna stand out next to that? - i have some errands. why don't you get chase settled in, then bailey can help you practice for the show? - come on, chase. let's find a stall for

, hey, hey! >> what. >> son of a pitch, did your box just get bigger. you just took up my box. >> it is not your box. (laughter) >> it is not your box. >> historically that has always been part of my box. >> this, this is an illegal occupation. >> it's mine, it's mine. >> stop it! >> i'm coming over there. >> get out of my-- . >> get out of my-- . >> j[ shapiro ] at legalzoom, you can take care of virtually all your important legal matters in just minutes. now it's quicker and easier for you to start your business... protect your family... and launch your dreams. at legalzoom.com we put the law on your side. welcome back. you know when a news story falls through the crack, lewis black catches it, a segment we call back in black. >> when i was a kid we didn't have seat belts or bicycle helmets. our only protection from a nuclear bomb was a school desk. sure, my parents only allowed smoking in one room of our house, but it was my room! my point is, back then nobody would make a big deal over someth

hey, hey, hey, where are you going? they've been paging you for rehearsal. rehearsal?k. i just came to pick up a paycheck. no. we do a show every friday, tracy. it's not gonna work. next friday is damon dash's birthday party.

. >> hey, hey, no, jon, let me finish, god. once you go down the road to diversity it's impossible to change course and return to one's previous misconceptions. (laughter and applause) >> jon: i thought you were going to say... how is that a thing white women know? >> jon, i think because women struggled for their own rights. they know how satisfying it feels to take a massive.... >> jon: black? >> no, jon, stop! step forward, jon! >> jon: sorry about that. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back to the show. hey, did you guys know that in iceland they bury shark for a year and then they dig it up and force people from norway to eat it? (cheers and applause) that's the next iron chef. look, as you know, this season is the most controversial season of dancing with the the stars they've ever done. oh, you know what would be a great idea for that show? a celebrity version. (laughter) anyway... the reason the reason for all this controversy, of course, is the presence of one chaz bono. >> chaz bono, who is transgender, is a cont

( cheers and applause ) hey, good to see you.come to show, sir. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: now you're not just any magician. are you an illusionist of over 30 years. you walked through the great wall of china. you flew over grand canyon. you went over niagara in a raft. >> i did. >> stephen: you were declared a living legend by the library of congress. you have been knighted by the french. over 20 emmys. a star on the hollywood walk of fame. >> thank you. >> stephen: and you have just been named the first-ever king of magic and magician of the century by american society of magicians ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: does a great responsibility come with being king of magicians? >> i suppose. it's very humbling thing. i have to work harder now. >> stephen: you absolutely do. as king of magicians, if the peasants revolt and they cut off your head, can you magically put it back on? ( laughter ). >> yes, restivation part of my repertoire. that's true. i used to do death saw illusion where i cut myself in half

, hey, hey! >> what. >> son of a pitch, did your box just get bigger. you just took up my box. >> it is not your box. (laughter) >> it is not your box. >> historically that has always been part of my box. >> this, this is an illegal occupation. >> it's mine, it's mine. >> stop it! >> i'm coming over there. >> get out of my-- . i'm robert shapiro. over a million people have discovered how easy it is to use legalzoom for important legal documents. so start your business, protect your family, launch your dreams. at legalzoom.com we put the law on your side. launch your dreams. look! here she comes! ♪ she'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes... ♪ ♪ when she comes. ♪ it'll be spinning new chrome wheels when it comes. ♪ ♪ when it comes. ♪ custom spoiler, race grade pistons, ♪ ♪ gt35 turbo charger. ♪ and they'll all know that it's kevin's awesome car. ♪ bought em! ( clears throat ) sorry. when it's on your mind, it's on ebay. welcome back. you know when a news story falls through the crack, l

, hey, hey! >> what. >> son of a pitch, did your box just get bigger. you just took up my box. >> it is not your box. (laughter) >> it is not your box. >> historically that has always been part of my box. >> this, this is an illegal occupation. >> it's mine, it's mine. >> stop it! >> i'm coming over there. >> get out of my-- . [ billy ] we discovered the original sporting sail in our grandfather's attic. alright. let her rip! we knew we were on to something. just throw that thing over your back and you could just shoot down any hill. and you get the sky, and you get the sun and the trees... taking your product and making it a reality is really what it's all about. i'm billy smith and i started my business with legalzoom. [ shapiro ] we created legalzoom to help people start their business and launch their dreams. go to legalzoom.com today and make your business dream a reality. at legalzoom.com we put the law on your side. welcome back. you know when a news story falls through the crack, lewis bl

i'm looking for the project manager and he said hey that's pam. the extension is such and such and he said can i help you with anything. i said no, i'll just dole with pam thank you very much and then the call ends and then i call pam. and instead of getting pam i get her outgoing reading on her voicemail and she told her callers that she just left on a two week vacation and if you need any help to please call alia on blah, blah, blah and pretty much that was the voicemail. and she was returning from vacation so on and so forth. who was my next call, no-brainer, alicia. hey, alicia, this is rickover -- hi, alicia this is rick with ar & d in arlington heights. did pam leave on vacation oh, she said she was supposed to send send me the source code for the moycrotech light. and this was -- by this time i'm walking down -- what was it broadway in downtown denver. it was snowing. horns were honking and i was trying to press the cell phone i was using really tight to my ear so she couldn't hear the traffic because i was never expecting this to bork paws

. >> hey, what... whoa, what's going on with me? >> oh, what's going on is that you just drank a cup of poison. (cheering) >> you got poisoned! >> paddy's pub, bitches! >> you guys poisoned the beer? >> yes, dee, we did poison the beer. that was the only way we could beat these little bitches. >> i thought you guys believed in me. you were so proud of me. >> oh, no. >> we knew you were going to choke. >> yeah. >> yeah, we'd knew you pretty much choke under pressure, which is why... >> flip! flip! flipadelphia! flip! flip! flipadelphia! flip! flip! flipadelphia! flip! flip! flipadelphia! (vomiting) flip! flip! flipadelphia! flip! flip! flipadelphia! flip! flip! flipadelphia! ♪ (frank straining) >> yank. rip 'em off. pull 'em off. yank 'em. yank 'em. >> they're not coming off, man. >> these pants are not... we're going to have to burn them off, i think. >> got to get them off, 'cause i got no circulation in my legs. >> yeah, i don't know. >> you've got to be kidding me. >> whoa, whoa, hey. pump your brakes there, pal. slow down for a

yeah, hey, man, we're glad you're getting better too. hey, hey, what's going on ? kyle's all better, cartman, thanks to you. huh ? it was all a trick. your mom undid the kidney blocker and then we put ketchup in your bed, so you'd think we took your kidney. yes, but it was all just a trick to get you to come in and sign this release. isn't that funny, sweetie ? ooh, i am so pissed off ! oh, here's everybody. hi, mr. garrison, where have you been ? boys, i have an announcement to make. i'm not going to be your teacher anymore. i've become a best-selling author. and, kyle, i want you to have a signed copy as a "get well" present. oh... thanks. i'm sure going to kill you guys ! careful, cartman, you might pop your stitches. ha ha ! ha ha ! huh, what the-- oh, good, you got the crappy kidney. captioning made possible by comedy central captioned by soundwriters™ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> september 8, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is dale dill with jon stewart. -- this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily s

well, hey man. >> hey, man. how is it going, man? >> stephen: how are you? i have to say. first met you when you were down here practicing with the band, it is relaxing just to look at you. i think i'm getting a context beard. >> very good. >> stephen: you won the oscar for crazy heart. >> yes. >> stephen: was that your first oscar? >> it was. >> stephen: what does it feel like to win an oscar. compare it to winning a grammy let's say. >> dream like. you are in the front row so you have no idea of where the hell youym are. i had some kind of notes figured out that i might say, i might win. all of that was gone. i felt my parents soaring in the room. hello. oh, my god! you know, it's wild i'll say. >> stephen: you won that part, you won that oscar for playing the part of this grizzled, gravelly, bearded musician. >> yeah. [laughter] >> stephen: you know that wasn't a documentary, right? are you kind of playing that part now? >> no, no. i learned that mistake a long time ago, early in my career. when you are playing a drunk guy, you don't get drunk. you don't do that. >> ste

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hey, let's show them the savage battle between the number one and number two spider. >> hey, you're doingood. >> yay, he won! yay! see? my spider is the strongest. you all hate bugs. >> these are creepy. i can't. >> do you like bugs or do you hate them? >> we hate them. >> reporter: don't fret about it, daiki. some day you will find somebody who likes spiders. ♪ we're used to being hated. but if you love us, we'll do our best to please you, you know? >> translator: hello? >> excuse us. >> what do you like? >> sorry, i saw a real good spider. i can't quit talking about it. >> who has it. >> gigantic spiders are the talk of the town. how big is it? >> i would say about 30 millimeters. >> 13? >> it's not that big but it's definitely more than 12 millimeters. >> i have a 12, for sure. >> sakuma who went to investigate was shocked by its size. the strong rival may change the outcome of the championship. >> i told him it's a size larger than mine. he didn't believe me, so i put mine beside it and he said, oh, so it is a size larger than yours. >> and it's true. >> different age, different jobs.

>> you pay me -- >> hey, can you do me a favor? my cat went crazy last night.p some of that in the trash? >> i have more deliveries -- >> yeah, i know. just do a little bit of that. yeah, grab all that crap. ah, this stupid cat. yeah, thank you, that's the one. that's the lucky one. thank you, thank you. can i get one more bite? one more bite? thank you. thanks, man. your hands are clean, right? >> yes. >> okay, good. that's really good. >> i have to make delivers. >> okay, yeah. my money's in the right pocket here? >> right pocket? >> yeah, that one. dig deep. what happened? >> this -- i don't know -- >> what is it? >> oh -- let me smell it. oh -- oh, you know what, that's peanut butter. that's my peanut butter pocket. left pocket. yeah. that's not your peanut butter hand, is it? no? you know what -- i think i'm going to have to write you a check. >> you don't have credit card? >> credit card? with this thing? where would i keep it? i tell you how i'm going to pay you. with a great big hug. come here. stand over there for a second. ah. come here. come here. co

>> hey, daddy. >> hey, bud! >> can i tell youing? >> yeah. >> will you love me regardless?s. >> you'll always love me? as long as i'm... >> of course. >> dad, i'm gay. >> i still love you and i will always love you. i will always be proud of you. >> all right, thanks, dad. (applause) >> jon: what kind of monsters-- (laughter) -- have unconditional love? and how do i get my dad to have some of that? (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers an (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. as many of you know, china's economy continues to grow while ours seems to shrink and falter. it's not just our manufacturing jobs that are going overseas. why yet cenac cenac has more. >> jon: >> extraterrestrials have fascinated man for centuries and perhaps no one is more fascinated than clifford cliff, the president of an organization that monitors u.f.o. activity. >> we are attempting to come to some resolution as to what these objects are. >> yet, sadly, like so many other businesses, mufon has fallen on hard times and the reason is all too familiar. >> we're finding that there are more c

member 3. >> hey gary, is it over for the giants?am sure that she has just been waiting for you to get spectrum vacation. >>pam: everybody has been waiting?! >> let it is over, they are done. >> you would put your money on the giants against the diamondbacks? [laughter] >>pam: whilwow! >>jacqueline: perhaps you are correct. >> thank you [laughter] >> i hope there is a storm in your forecast is wrong! [laughter] >>pam: i have had enough >> i have had enough. we will pronounces it tijuana,,, we will be back >>pam: new details to the outline of the 5 million people left in the dark including california, arizona and mexico. including 3 million people in the san diego. without power. sections in tijuana and mexical i, will have an update on that at 11:00 p.m. >>jacqueline: cooler not much of a change it will soof what will it be somewhat warmer in some spots. a cooler afternoon in store with sub-tropical moisture. coming in from the south and could impact us with even thunderstorms. most likely in the higher elevations of the east bay hil

hey, mark. hey, mark. hey. where've you been? i lost my cat. aw. that's not right. yeah. so i made this cat magnet to try and get him back. cool. does it work? kinda. [meow] nice. yeah. but that's not my cat. i gotta keep working on it. see ya see ya. see ya. announcer: anything's possible, keep thinking. get started on your own inventions or just play some games at... good evening and welcome to tonight's meeting of the commonwealth club in formed division, connect your intellect. that is our tagline. i am the president of the inform board. tonight, we have larry hardy. the founder of burning man and he is here to talk about the amazing place and phenomenon known as black rock city. he is one of the original planners and architects. we are going to talk about the path of burning man, the future as well. before we jump into the question that had to do with what is going on, tell us about your new headquarters and how that came to be, why the move into the heart of san francisco? >> well, we were on third street, in what is left of san francisco's industrial district , and

[cheering and applause] hey, mr. yergin. thanks so much for coming on., sir, you're one of the most influential voices in the world of energy, and your new book is "the quest: energy security and the remaking of the modern world." okay. will we remake the modern world with new fuels or new forms because there's plenty of oil out there, isn't there? >> well, there is oil. we're not running out of oil. people talk about peak oil and say it's going to run out, but in fact we've run out of oil at least five times. the first time is the 1880s. now here we are in the 21st century. >> stephen: there's plenty of oil. why would we change the game? if it ain't broke, don't fix it. >> because what's happening in the rest of the world, one tends to just think about the united states. >> i do. >> i know you do, but you have the look beyond our borders. if you look at the country of china, that's where demand is really growing inch this country our demand for oil is actually going to go down because we have more efficient cars and the population is aging, a whole bunc

. - hey, you can't leave your car there.eave - it's okay. i'm a hallway monitor.okay, - keep separation. leroy, check out our 20.ur ! - can i help you?you ? - you seen this woman, bra?thi she's staying here.she's - who are you? - ♪ i am the dawg ♪ the big, bad, dawg g, ba, - i think you should leave before i call the police.rea - beth, bear mace that guy.uy ! - let's check out the rooms. leroy and kyle, go that way. beth, you come with me,oome - we need police here right away. [knocking - yes? - i'm looking for this teacher. - yes? she in your room, bra?? do you mind keeping it down. - keep your mouth shut, bra!outh [sirens approaching] ike, they're on to us.ik - oh,no. - hurry, darling.! we have to get out of here. - what have we got? - who called 911?ere ! - they went that way. look out! they have bear mace. - open up. i'm with the dawg. - oh, crap. - you freeze right there.re ! - come on, darling. - hey. - i got 'em, dawg, fifth floor. praise christ. let's go.e christ - beth, bear mace that guy and that guy. mace th [muffled yelling] free

hey, hey, hey. the truth, what's the use, i'm hanging around lost and found, and when you're here innocent, fat chance, no plan, no regard for human life. you'll keep time, you've no right, you're fast to lose, you will lose, you jumped the queue, you're back again. [ applause ] >> stephen: thank you so much. that was really good. we will be right back. thank you. thank you very much. >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. i would like to thank our special guest dr. pepper. i also want to thank radiohead, who was totally worth the entire hour. and now, with the national anthem, ladies and gentlemen, radiohead! ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] rake in the savings with the subway featured $5 footlong™ of september only, the turkey breast & black forest ham!

hey hey hey ♪ >> while ever soulful captivated the park, the machine. ♪ >> reporter: and the party continuesr upcoming album "my life ii: the journey continues." ♪ i'm looking for someone to love me ♪ >> what a summer it has been. it does feel like it was just yesterday and i got here, you guys have said, oh, the summer concert series, it has been something -- i wonder, though, your favorite moments. i know for me i wasn't expecting it but, boy, beyonce just absolutely dominated. >> you weren't expecting that. >> i didn't know. >> that was my favorite moment watching it on television, for sure. >> who knew it would be beyonce plus one. but not only that but thele moment where lady gaga came in on the zip line. took an extra few seconds. >> do you remember when she was the vat of goo. it was strange and yet fabulous. >> a great run. florence and the machine, i was incredibly psyched to see them. >> and we have mary j. >> another pkpw-pblg & e blast is drawing attention of federal investigators. the national safety board is looking to wednesday's blast that destroyed this coopertino townhouse.

hey, sam. >> hey, good morning, elizabeth.start with newport beach and pictures of amazing waves from the best news station in los angeles, kabc will show you all of those waves coming in. believe it or not, this rough surf from storm systems in new zealand. there's big surf in hawaii. also on this west coast all through california area.a. we're look at san diego, oceanside, los angeles, all in the 70s, santa barbara, 63 but even san francisco, you're ten degrees warmer than yesterday. that rough surf lasts all the way through friday. the big heat in the middle of the country. continue to watch this tropical wave/dep >> all that weather was brought to you by walgreen's. >> wow. those were unbelievable waves in southern california. thanks, sam. >>> coming up, our exclusive conversation with marc anthony speaking out for the first time about his amazing split and his life now. >> it's a decision. this is kate. [[ate ] can't believe i have high blood pressure. what's that thing? another medication. ♪ i really should have taken my

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"hey, buddy, get off the phone please." this is what he says to me: "shut up and mind your own business, ass( bleep )." ah, now there's trouble in river city. i'm a man, not much of one, but a man. i will choke you, if you are younger, smaller, and preferably white. i have my hands on his neck, and then i saw my bracelet staring right back at me. "what would jesus do ?" so i lit him on fire and sent him to hell. i did, i had to. amen. i waste so much time in my life. i could have accomplished so much more, but i have no dreams, like, real dreams. i sit at home thinking about "how come nobody with "a lamborghini ever pulls up "next to me and is like, 'hey, man, you want this car ?'" i'm like, "( bleep ), yeah, i do, yes ! i got a lamborghini today !" it just never happened. i think that's wasted energy. i wanna get rich enough in life that i can afford to release a dozen doves every time i walk into a room. you know people would be like, "did you see that guy "come out of the bathroom ? "the one with doves, "it was beautiful

hey, dave! >> hey, guys, how are you? >> we're doing great. thank you very much.tually did. we dumped out of another number one hit song just to talk to you guys here on "fox & friends" and by the way, congratulations. giving it to your guys 15 years. >> 15 years. >> thank you for returning our phone call. >> i know you're doing extremely well. you just got the large market personal of the year. we remember on "fox & friends", we wanted to have a local feel to a national audience so we would talk to in our segments hit stations and great radio personalities like you to find out everybody was thinking about. we didn't know gretchen then, we couldn't have called minneapolis and found out what was happening there. you were able to clue us in and bring us into your community. we appreciated that. >> hey, no problem. by the way, gretchen, minneapolis is very proud of you because we were just talking about you a little while ago and wow, this woman is extremely accomplished, extremely educated and the fact that we get to be on with you is really amazing so congratulatio

hey, jessica, jerry neumann with a policy question. jerry, how are you doing? fine, i just got a little fender bender. oh, jerry, i'm so sorry. i would love to help but remember, you dropped us last month. yeah, you know it's funny. it only took 15 minutes to sign up for that new auto insurance company but it's taken a lot longer to hear back. is your car up a pole again? [ crying ] i miss you, jessica! jerry, are you crying? no, i just, i bit my tongue. [ male announcer ] get to a better state. state farm. on wall >>> good monday afternoon. i'm grace lee. >> hi, everybody. i'm frank frank mallicoat. another volatile session on wall street, international markets struggling with greece's debt crisis once again. >>> a major american bank set to slash thousands of jobs and the message from president obama to congress, no games, no politics, no delays with the jobs plan. he will take his proposal directly to voters. >> reporter: lawmakerses get their first real look at president obama's plan to jump start job creation later today. he is sending the bill specifics t

hey! you want that?ou want a warm, super-delicious strawberry toaster strudel yeah but now i have nothing to eat sureou do. hey! you can have the pop tart! pillsbury toaster strudel. the one kids want to eat and these are the ones you'll love as dinner. grandsmini pizzas. grands! biscuit dough... plus 3 ingredients make an easy dinner everyone loves. grands! mini pizzas... from pillsbury. >> closed captioning brought to you by mancini sleepworld. >>> welcome back. we have a "sig alert" all lanes 880 shutdown by the oakland coliseum. standoff with police and a driver with an earlier car choice. now the freeway is shutdown both directions 580 would be your detour or the san mateo bridge. we have a live shot to see traffic is bumper-to-bumper in the area. you can see the big rigs lined up. nobody getting through. 580 and the san mateo bridge would be your alternate. >> the san mateo bridge has its own problems, 101 as well as the other side of the bay. we'll watch your commute closely. >> more news. 5:15. >

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hey, hey, he did lead a march. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> thank. welcome back, everybody. nation, before our august break, i was trying to get to the bottom of the huge scandal rocking the republican race for president. and i'm not talking about the rumor that candidate thaddeus mccotter's real name is cotter mcthaddeus. new york i'm talking about iowa's parry-with-an-a gate. you all know the details. oh, yeah. but in case you're some sort of cave man just thawed from a million-year icy sleep, let me catch you up. first of all, this is tv. tv good. secondly, the colbert nation and i recently formed colbert super pac, allowing us to raise and spend unlimited amounts of money. technically my lawyer says we're limited to the amount of money that currently exists in the world, but he's working on that. now, we used our money for the first time to run ads in advance of the iowa straw poll supporting writing in texas governor rick perry, and to distinguish ourselveses from the other super pac supporting perry, we asked supporters to write in his name wit