so, wag of my finger at discriminating gays who are victimizing america's drunken, horny, shrieking bachelorettes. and, folks, unlike being gay, bachelorette partyying is not a choice. even if you don't want to go, you have to go. i mean-- ( cheers and applause ) you do. you kind of have to go. because you know janet's been planning it for months and if you don't go she's going to turn it into a whole thing. by the way, she says you're supposed to take in $75. and, sure, gays say it's insensitive to their lack of rights, to which i say yeah. that's the point. the most sacred part of getting smaerd taunting gay people that they can't. ( laughter ) that's why bachelorette parties should go to gay bars. everyone upons you can only appreciate what you have by seeing other people who can't have it. ( laughter ) that's why i had my wedding banquet in a soup kitchen. ( laughter ) those people across the room eating the thin gruel just made my rosemary chicken that much more delicious. ( laughter ) ( applause ) next up, folks, mitt romney won the texas republican primary last night, crossing the crucial

♪ me and kage are horny we're looking for a snack we're looking for a plump one i want my baby back ♪e want the low hanging fruit from the beekeeper suit ♪ ♪ she got the sweet stanky boots we want the low hanging fruit ♪ ♪ she got the flip flops on with hot red potatoes and a butt floss thong with fried green tomatoes ♪ ♪ and she loves that song we sing for the ladies c'mon oh my god ♪ ♪ ♪ low hanging fruit she wears a pink parachute she got the ♪ ♪ fly tattoo and the honky tonkin' daisy dukes she got the low hanging fruit ♪ ♪ because the high class fruit is not very funky but the low class fruit ♪ ♪ is sweet chunky monkey when you smoke that bood it smell like a skunky ♪ ♪ c'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: tenacious d. thank you, gentlemen. nice job, guys. nice job, gentlemen. nice job, guys. thank you, guys. thank you. i want to thank my guests sherri shepherd, julianne hough and tenacious d! monday night, kevin costner will be here. but coming up right now, jimmy fallon. jimmy, take it! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight's guests are -- and featuring

>> you ask her if she's horny. >> it's a question. >> in this state, depending on the circumstances, that is against the law. do you get that? >> it's against the law to say it on there? >> it's against the law to >> it's against the law to solicit underage girls for sex. thought they were dead. [ laughter ] [ grunting ] huh? [ male announcer ] should've used roundup. america's number one weed killer. it kills weeds to the root, so they don't come back. guaranteed. weeds won't play dead, they'll stay dead. roundup. no root. no weed. no problem. mary? what are you doing here? it's megan. i'm getting new insurance. marjorie, you've had a policy with us for three years. it's been five years. five years. well, progressive gives megan discounts that you guys didn't. paperless, safe driver, and i get great service. meredith, what's shakin', bacon? they'll figure it out. getting you the discounts you deserve. now, that's progressive. call or click today. >>> you there? i'm going to go up and get ready, okay? >> okay. >> w

those sites are for horny, married chicks with kids, who wanna exchange pervy emails with their old high

now being super horny doesn't classify as a psychiatrist disorder.american psychiatric association it will require patience to meet four of the five cry criteria including these two. excessive time is urged by planning and/or engaging in sexual behavior. this without regarding the emotional help to the self-or others. i believe they were talking about this. >> he never did that before there was turtle porn on the internet. once he got it into his apartment, his turtle apartment, that's all he does. >> i empathize with that frustrated fell law. >> he should keep toned his shell. >> is sex addiction a copout for bad behave, or is it real? >> i don't understand why anybody is making a big deal about this. since it wasn't a psychiatric condition before, who is stepping up and demanding to be recognized as somebody with a psychiatric condition? >> everywhere you go now they are calling things addictions. it is not just sex. it is internet and video games. >> are sex addicts demanding to be cured. >> i think doctors need it to be classified in order to run

apparently our chief export now is horny guys in sunglasses.ording to the source, the agents headed to the v.i.p. section where they received sexual favors in return for cash. by the way, not a favor if you are giving cash fo will you do me a favor, give me a big mac in exchange for $4.25, not a favor. the owner of the strip club said the agents came into the club three nights in a row before the president arrived. all these secret service scan -- scandals got me wondering if i can trust the people who guard my life at the show. do i have to wonder worry about them wondering off? with prostitutes when they're supposed to be watching out for me? we sent a camera crew around the building today to ask our security guards a question that i think, in light of recent developments, needs to be answered. >> have you ever had sex with a prostitute? >> no. >> not that i know of. >> no. >> have you ever had sex with a prostitute? >> yes, i have. >> have you ever had sex with a prostitute? >> yes, i have. my wife's going to kill me. >> have you ever had se

. >> i'm horny just thinking about it. >> hell, yeah. >> one was torey adamcik and the other one was brian draper. >> coming up, investigators have two new suspects. >> of course, that the point, we were very interested in talking to torey and brian. last season was the gulf's best tourism season in years. in florida we had more sun tans... in alabama we had more beautiful blooms... in mississippi we had more good times... in louisiana we had more fun on the water. last season we broke all kinds of records down here on the gulf. more people more good times. this year we're out to do even better... and now's a great time to start. the sun's out and the beaches are even more relaxing. you can go deep sea fishing or enjoy our world-class restaurants... our hotels and rentals have special deals for the whole family. go golfing, kite boarding, or build the worlds biggest sand sculpture... with the world's best sand. so come on down to mississippi... get yourself down to louisiana... we'll see you in florida... you know you want to come to alabama. the gulf is america's get-a-way... and we

>>> "outfront" hornie i honorin the passings of a beat beastie boys. >>> and future playing out on xboxps3. look at the trailer for "call of duty: black opes 2" takes play in 2025, a terrorist takes control of the robots and uses them against us. one of the battlegrounds, china. besides foreshadowing a war fought by machines, these types of games bring in serious, serious money. the last "call of duty" modern warfare 3" logged obeb over a billion in sales. the trailer we've been showing viewed over 10 million time on youtube. but it's the gaming industry's own future you should be worried about. that brings us to our number tonight. i love tapping on this thing. this is 553 million dollars. the dollar of video games sold in march. great? down 25% from last year. one of the big problems is not how cool, sexy, amazing violent hoar terrific terrible and swear-inducing those are, it's the lack of devices. playstation 3 released just over five years ago. the last time we got one. xbox 360 the hot thing, over six years since one of those. there it is. twice for each. sorry. i'm learning the w

giant new sculpture for the olympic games, for looking like the eiffel tower is being attacked by a horny who say, "you win some, you lose some," for being a polite way of saying well, you definitely lost that one. [ laughter ] sometimes it goes the other way. >> steve: you lost this -- >> jimmy: that one you definitely -- yeah. that one gone. >> steve: i just want to point out to you in case you didn't realize it, you lost. >> jimmy: yeah, you lost. ♪ thank you, graduation ceremonies, for always reminding us just how long the alphabet can be. [ laughter ] [ applause ] eric martin. we're only on "m"? oh, my gosh. i know his last name is zimmerman. i know, so let's get out of here. ♪ thank you, patting someone on the back at the end of a hug, for being a kind gesture that also says, "all right, let's wrap this up." come on. [ laughter ] let's get this hug -- we got it. yep got it. big hug. there we go. >> steve: i'm tapping out. >> jimmy: a little shoulder grab and shove away. go hug somebody else. oh, hey buddy. we're hugging now. >> steve: all right, buddy. i don't remember your name. >>

you're a horny little 13-year-old girl. say, i'm going to lick you. >> i say that a lot. >> you say that a lot. >> i'm a gonna lick you. >> you say that a lot to 13-year-old girls? >> no. she kept insisting that i come over. >> so a 13-year-old girl controls your life. >> no. >> what you're saying, then, doesn't make sense. >> she kept saying she was sad i wasn't coming. so i thought i would say hi and then leave. >> you talk about taking her for a ride in your car. do you think that's okay to stop by to pick up a 13-year-old girl who is home alone and take her for a ride in your car? >> i see where that has a little bit of a problem. >> a little bit of a problem there. and like some of the others, he said he is here not for sex but out of concern for the girl's welfare. >> another reason i wanted to stop by, she's 13, her mother is out of town. i wanted to make sure she is okay. >> you're going to baby-sit. you're going to check the locks on the door? >> uh-huh. >> you've never met this girl. here you are in this house, yo

. >> and she gets so horny when she is in seattle. >> yeah, too bad we're not going to be close enoughhe tables were turned if this would have been obama having this brought up on him he would have been called a thug, a gang member. >> oh, yeah. >> exactly michelle in los angeles you are on the "stephanie miller show." hey, michelle. >> hi, stephanie. i was okay at first until i heard about bristol palin, oh my god. i don't even like to talk about her, because honestly she is a non- -- nothing. but the audacity to sit up and talk about marriage. wait a minute hold on isn't she heterosexual? ant they religious? >> yeah, she was a teenage unwed mother who is an adult now and she is making fun of kids. >> isn't that a harlet according to the bible? >> yes it is. >> isn't she a fornicate for? oh, my god. >> we weren't going to get all judgmentally and bibly. >> by the way' collieses and call mook romney said blatantly homo homophobeic things in can't of a congregation. >> and if you are going to have unprotected sex with levi you don't get to question anybody's judgment ever again. >> no,

rney madeey cl lmwhre metas atst rneyadeesscl and tehieta had as poun onssatury a ndseizedhi thatpp horni stth. : s ant deprd tidhe key am ta o soalde t cseeyate t supoporto itsoomy. at yeupourt avte not publicly. ye doeditt mney n y pli wh not ?editt ey >> wl,irst offote? d't endors presi de wial,l st ffcandideat. i d't d n'dotnd psesiic santoru idin t pri.ry w favorable tndarsed hic an causru h e in tri wit o ur w avab ises h en usin s wak to tt iss oisf this hds s tot i k oea in onise hayds i describdt is he one ec i of t dcruz misngtshe ovf inten tsi issuzor mit mt romn i bause w theov i paen force hsseorn sittin w hemn th tbsekedo mtehe ashapaorooe s in i' wmot sthna tre od t mhee as sihalis i'm c't s snait oren the t si sisneshen thisredent c't ss onhe diansitlinneg th verheorhinerssto deof o socty. i tdinkantl iths erttorrsto rom oneocyty tnks tt onsom av and kee and me foard o ins tnkaturavy wi a kus aoodtartnd. ihi hefoasardnk cattiurnu jwit a ad hert ienon ricas sanruinnu j ta ae wayicenk sonto r woefr tanin o msa oayhe f siltoy andoe th e eonoogether. he mi ftil r aneyndas t dt