please welcome howie mandel!we start, i just want to say i want to thank josh. he's your stage manager. a guy named josh backstage. i think i talked about this before on a talk show, but i still find it fascinating. he said jimmy is going to say your name. you'll hear your name and then i'm going to cue them to lift the door. when you go out, jimmy will be about 11 feet to your left. have you ever had somebody come out going, where is jimmy? it's a foot and a half. why did i need directions to find you? how stupid do i look that i would come out that door and go oh, he was supposed to be here. there you are. there you are. >> jimmy: if you want to know what the truth is, josh smokes a lot of pot. yeah, he does. so it's him that's confused. i think the audience may have seen this. i purelled like crazy before you came out here. that's how much respect i have for you. i doused myself in purel. i even had to get a tissue to dry my hands. and then -- >> i'm a germaphobe. that tube, they send it to your -- they tell y

tonight, ashley judd howie mandel lie witness news and music from capital cities with cleto and the cletonesnow, prepare yourself, here's jimmy kimmel!

with howie mandel, zoey kravitz and music from enrique iglesias. please watch then.grammy award winner, kennedy center honeoree, and possibly the greatest living texas, this is his new album called "all the girls," please welcome willie neltsen! willie nelson! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: i have to tell you -- you know those guys. thank you for coming. i will say that when somebody came up with the idea of us doing the show here in austin, i said we can into the do this show here without willie nelson. so, that was my number one priority. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you so much for making my vision board come true. >> i heard you said that and thank you very much. >> jimmy: i did say thatten a really meant that. you discovered these guys, los lonely boys, right? >> yeah. over by the river. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is a big week for you and for the town because this is your town. there is a willie nelson street, there is a statue of here in town. willie nelson day is on 4-20, not coincidentally i assume. last night you have a ranch not too far

bush wasn't above showing up on a howie mandel game show while he was president.good for him for doing it. and if all of that kind of stuff makes you feel terrible about the dignity of the presidency, first of all, you should probably lighten up. second of all, though, consider the example of richard nixon. richard nixon on "laugh in." >> oh, no, i don't think we could get mr. nixon to standstill for a sock it to me. >> sock it to me? >> which makes you feel worse about the dignity of the presidency? the way richard nixon told the sock it to me joke on "laugh in" or what else richard nixon did to the dignity of the office of the presidency? telling jokes are being part of comedy bits have generations of precedent among american presidents, it really never has diminished the office. presidents have to work way, way harder for that distinction. so, sorry, david gergen, abc news, you're completely and totally wrong. all right. up next, true or false, in the florida congressional special election this week, the republican david jolly beat alex sink, did bob barker une

from the at&t stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, ashley judd will be here tomorrow, howie mandel'll have music from capital cities. and later this week, don cheadle, jeremy piven, tony goldwyn from "scandal," zoe kravitz, and music from yg and enrique iglesias. join us for that. [ cheers and applause ] in the history of film, no person has been stabbed in the heart with a hypodermic needle more memorably than our first guest tonight. she's the oscar-nominated and golden globe-winning star of many fine movies. her newest is called "nymphomaniac, volume one." it opens friday. please welcome uma thurman. [ cheers and applause ] >> my gift for you. >> jimmy: oh, thank you. thank you. i will use this, and i will need it. how were you with the earthquake this morning? >> i was good. >> jimmy: you were? >> it was terrifying. >> jimmy: were you in a hotel? >> i was in a hotel. it's my second earthquake in california. >> jimmy: oh, it was? >> yes. >> jimmy: which was your first one? >> my first one was in a tall hotel and this was in a short hotel. >> jimmy: better. the tall hotels are ac

. >>> and then, where's howie mandell when you need him? we'll play a game of dealer or no dealer. what tesla could do to win its war with the states. and pay no taxes for 10 years. with new jobs, new opportunities and a new tax free plan. there's only one way for your business to go. up. find out if your business can qualify at start-upny.com we know we're not the center of your life, but we'll do our best to help you connect to what is. ♪ [ girl ] my mom, she makes underwater fans that are powered by the moon. ♪ she can print amazing things, right from her computer. [ whirring ] [ train whistle blows ] she makes trains that are friends with trees. ♪ my mom works at ge. ♪ >>> all right. >>> all right. well, as you may recall, bill gross, cofounder of pimco, is a frequent guest on "street signs." on our fed day coverage, he's usually here. you didn't see him yesterday, declined to come on, and he's not the only pimco executive to do that. it's understandable, trying to keep a low profile as the company comes under scrutiny. pimco has always been there when we've asked them to be, b