howser to the e.r. dr. howser to the e.r. hey, doog. how's bert? what's wrong with him? i've stabilized him in the e.r. how are the kids? pretty shaken up. i drove them to the center. i need to know what's going on. so far we know what he doesn't have. his cbc and blood chemistries were negative. has he had this kind of episode before? i don't know. well, we'll know more this afternoon. you've got to help him. take it easy, ray. we're working on it. hey, ray, doc. thank you. what's going on? he refuses to sign his admission papers. i don't think i need any more attention. you were practically unconscious 45 minutes ago. you had a seizure. something's wrong. you need tests. but i feel fine. goodbye. ray, i'll talk to you later. we can't keep him against his will. - hi. - uh-oh. beware of doctors bearing takeout. - sorry. i know it's late, but-- - what is it? pad thai noodles and a fascinating research problem. a number four. i'm stumped. there's a seizure, but the patient acts totally unconcerned and denies any history of head trauma, headaches, either he's lying to me or

david howser and dr. douglas howser. i don't want preferential treatment simply because my last name's howser. if i get this job, i'll use my maiden name-- o'brien. well... ms. o'brien... i didn't realize that you had worked as a hospital ward clerk. um, reference number one. then for a year, i did all of david's medical transcription, so i'm familiar with the terminology. i'm an exceptionally good speller-- katherine-- i know a lot of people find hospitals depressing, but i've always felt they could be happy, fun places, too. i think i'm ready for the swimsuit competition now. of course, as new interns, i remember when i was just an intern. it seems so long ago now. i hope you realize i'm here to answer any questions or give advice on patients, hospital politics, life in general. you-- [laughing] you can think of me as your brother, your younger, smarter brother. isn't it wonderful? oh. oh. you've got... something there. ha ha. ha ha. ladies and gentlemen, i'd... like you to meet my mother. this is a hospital, not a nig

howser. confine yourself to answering counsel's questions. dr. howser. is pao yang's life in danger? no. no further questions. i don't doubt the sincerity of the doctors' intentions, nor that surgery would improve the child's condition. it's clear in every other respect with him, that he cherishes them. there's a real danger he'd suffer serious emotional damage if he was taken from them. in light of this, and because his condition isn't life threatening, i must reluctantly order that further surgery be discontinued. we're adjourned. 20-minute recess for the next case. we went the extra mile. there are different kinds of suffering. the family's attorney made a very good point about this child's pain in being separated from his parents. when you're older, you'll understand. that's not something i want to understand. yesterday it was minigolf. today it was the laundromat. i've got a sinus infection from breathing in all that fabric softener. have you talked to your father? you don't talk to my father. you listen. it's not smart to forbid you to see vinnie.

douglas howser. he may not be the biggest hunk, but remember, ladies, good things come in small packages. dr. howser is a third-year resident. he's--oh, we have a bid! $20. $40. $100. ooh! 120. 140. we have two enthusiastic bidders. you ladies know something we don't? 160. 180! i don't blame you. he is a sweetie. do i have any advance on $180? sold to lady number 16. come and collect your goods and bring your checkbook. wanda? can i borrow $40? i got a little carried away. sure. i can't believe you'd bid that much. i can't believe i had to. who's that? that's sasha. she's just a patient. miss plenn, ask for a receipt at the desk when you pick up your bachelor. i was bidding with my pocketbook. your girlfriend bid with her heart. no chance i would win. it's just as well. i've got to save my pennies now that i'm not working. really? yeah. i've decided to take a certain young doctor's advice. i'm going into the treatment program. thank you. thank you. wanda... i'm sorry. no, i'm sorry. i'm sorry i hurt

howser and i are scheduled to observe aah! excuse me. how will i ever catch her if she's running and i'm limping? cut! i don't see why i would eat the foot. the heart or liver's more nutritional. cut! cut! gregory, babe. you're a cannibal. cannibals aren't finicky eaters. got a minute? we're going to be here all night. i've had enormous cold sores that were less annoying than that kid. get rid of him. i can't. whether gregory realizes it or not, he needs this. doog. all right. i'll talk to him. what are you doing? dr. howser, i'm not what vinnie's looking for. i don't mean to insult you, but it seems frivolous. exactly. it's called goofing off. it's one of the perks of being a kid, . well, stuart wouldn't approve of me goofing off. let me make this simple. you want to go to southwest? it's my call. i'll make a deal with you. forget anything anyone's told you about who you're supposed to be and just listen to vinnie. i don't think that-- trust me on this. you're about to learn one of the most important tools needed in medical school, ok,

howser, your students await. good morning, dr. howser. howser, you... wow. what--i mean, what are you-- i can't-- shall we, nurses? stay right here.

howser, your students await. good morning, dr. howser. howser, you... wow. what--i mean, what are you-- i can't-- shall we, nurses? stay right here. the code call for a fire? dr. firestone. dr. firestone. fire exits are at the end of the hall. extinguishers are located in cabinets along the wall. we'll be in pathology this morning. we'll look at some biopsy slides, then we'll answer questions afterwards, o.k.? right this way. eew. oh. those sloppy pathologists. always leaving organs laying around. ohh. is she o.k.? are you all right, m-miss... her name's michele. it's 8:30. time to hop in the bathtub. do i have to? o.k. o.k. i'm going. good night, doogie. good night. thanks for helping her with her homework, doogie. no problem. wanda, janine wants to know what you're wearing to monte carlo night on saturday. did you hear me? what? [telephone rings] [ring] hello. hi, miss phillips. oh, my gosh, that's this weekend. yeah, i've got a tent. well, when do we leave? saturday morning at 6:00? and return? no, that's o.k. yeah, we'll be there. thanks. bye-bye. i can

it's always "howser this" and "howser that." come on. that's not true. doogie. michele. hi. um... do you have a minute? i'm glad you found me. i need to talk to you. next weekend is eastman's board of directors dance. yeah. i know. i know. look, i need to talk to you first. o.k. well, you know how when we first started going out yeah. well, i've been thinking about it, and... i just... i don't think it's working for me anymore. i'm the kind of person who needs something a little more exclusive. really? yeah. well, we haven't been going out that long, but... o.k...i guess. sure. to be honest, i haven't been dating anyone anyway. oh, no. doogie, you don't understand. i have gone out with someone else. i want to be exclusive with him. what? gosh, i'm--i'm sorry. wait a minute, michele. what i said about dating others-- you aren't supposed to do it. i wish you'd told me sooner. i didn't know, and... i'm really sorry. vic? during julie's rinoplasty, we removed the dorsal nasal bump, and she had lateral osteotomies to narrow the nose. we also did a genioplasty with a sliding osteotomy b

you're playing with fire, howser. it's like with my great-aunt nicolina. she toured the catacombs in sicily, sat on some coffin, mistaking it for an elaborate bench, and three weeks later-- she falls face-down in the street, dead! she was 96. she was a robust 96! these are stories from the old country... superstitions. you're in the 20th century, you're a college student. you have to break away from your past. i don't know. there are more things in heaven and earth, horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. you're afraid of this mummy because you don't know anything about it. see, watching this isn't helping. here's what you're going to do-- tomorrow you'll come down to the hospital-- pay attention. you'll come down to the hospital, look at the mummy, talk to dr. fields, and once you see that it's just a historic object, you'll see it the same way you see a painting. [woman] aah! yeah... a painting from hell. i can't look! but i got to look. no! i got to look, and i can't look. it's like driving by a car accident-- part of me wants to look away, but

oh, good idea, howser. maybe your mom can serve finger sandwiches and punch. leave it to me. the delpino men are famous for their bachelor parties. famous with who, the lapd? in my family, the function is not considered a success unless the bride calls off the wedding. mm. mm. don't touch. take one of those. hi. merry christmas. oa. look at that haul. what did you win? this. his name's vinnie. it cost me 20 bucks to win that damn fish. hey, matthew, how about a chocolate chip cookie? o.k., mom, just one. he's had too much sugar. hey, think it's way past somebody's naptime. he's right. let's go home. i'll see you tonight. bye. bye, vinnie. see you later. give me five. no five. bye, doobie. doogie. doogie with a g. guh. guh. [matthew laughing] well, i should be going, too. are you still joining me and janine for the movies? i think we'll pass. we've been leaving matthew with a sitter too much. what a responsible daddy. huh? huh? get out of here. cecelia's really terrific. it's tough being a single mother. she's so great, mom. so, uh... where do you see this relationship going?

doogie howser, i hate you. i'm not too fond of you, either, right now, wanda. unbelievable. [telephone rings] wanda, you may have a masochistic need to continue this discussion, but not me. yo, it's me. glenn, fade the sound. , i just don't understand women. i got tons of work. i'm reediting this old tv show for an 8:00 class. i haven't got time for sorority scavenger hunts-- the scene with the flowers. janine wants in this snotty sorority. i'm supposed to drop everything and help her look for an egg timer. i call her up and say, "janine, babe, i'm an artist. i got to fly free." she hung up. i just had a fight with wanda. you had a fight with somebody you broke up with? this is truly a dysfunctional relationship. she asked me if she should go away with some guy. what? why would she do that? because women are cruel. they got that cruel gene. it was a slow night so she figures, "i'll call doogie and plunge a knife through his heart." it will pass the time." e mind, go to the source--janine. think it will help? she wrote the book. while you got her on the phone, explain about m

howser, howser, howser, howser. what? i've never seen this twisted, dark side of yours. frankly, i'm impressed. what dark side? most men would try to overcome their petty jealousy and help the liver girl. but not you. you have that rare ability to exact revenge no matter what the cost. welcome to the gutter, doog. o.k., o.k. you're right. i can't believe i'm actually jealous of this creep. it took me years to get used to living in your shadow. eventually i became a human mushroom, flourishing in the dark. just learn to get what you need from rick. how do i do that? he's filming rachel's death scene tomorrow. simple, doog. but nobody sucks the spotlight like an actor. you want to help rachel, feed rick's ego. all right. i need you here so he's clear for the medium shot. do it. o.k., people. let's have it quiet, please. here's your tear, rick. roll, please. rolling. speed... mark... and action! you did everything you could. how can you say that? when a patient dies, it's never enough. she was 20 years old. cut! sorry, rick. camera problems. we're going to need a few minute

this sounds like howser bails out delpino, part 15. it would be nice if it was the other way around for a change. well, actually, there is something you can do for me. teach me to lie. tomorrow i've got to tell this patient she's got something that she doesn't have so she'll make a donation to the hospital. you've got a very strange job. you're the best liar i know. doog, i'm touched. can you teach me? hey, it's easy. it's like a magic trick. first rule-- never stop talking. hold their gaze. that's key. never be the first one to look away. hello, mrs. portmeyer. i've got your test results. what's wrong with me? the good news is-- skip the good news. what's wrong with me? xerodermia. what's that? a skin condition. invisible to the naked eye. nothing to worry about. luckily, we have medication for it. i'll get on it. i can't. mrs. portmeyer. i'm lying. i'll be honest. there's nothing wrong with you. excuse me? you're in excellent health for a woman your age. i'm sorry. well, beatrice. how's everything this morning? dr. howser has just gi

howser. 100% loss of hearing in the right ear. the cause? the scarring suggests chronic infection, probably since childhood. exactly. inoperable and unassistable. what about the left? well... there's, uh... acoustic neuroma. very good, doctor. the tumor's quite large. this could become life-threatening. unfortunately, the removal of such a tumor ually results in a total loss of hearing. you have another alternative? no. so when do we do it? we, dr. howser? how did i know that when you innocently asked for my opinion a "we" would somehow evolve? because you're the best there is. if anyone will save his hearing, it's you. i read about your work-- you're out of your league. besides, i'm booked solid. no, it's ok. no need to explain. i'll find someone else... i hope. it's just that, well, this guy's homeless. we'll just have to release him, and we'll probably never see him again. but, hey, you can't save everybody. all right. all right. have him prepped and ready at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow. sharp. g to hear nothing? uh, that's very likely, but dr. st

got that, howser? yes. may i add that i'm looking forwarddddd to bypassing my cerebral cortex and relying solely on the more primitive medulla to perform mundane and repetitive tasks? what? i'll check my brain at the door. now you're talking. all right, a guy orders a burger. you say? thank you? delpino? you want fries with that? you want fries with that. notice how it's not a question but a statement-- a reflection of what's going on inside the customer's mind. he wants fries, but he needs your permission to go ahead and order them. it's kind of my little brainchild. i think it's called subliminal marketing. no one's paying you to think. just push those grease sticks. to orientate the new guy into the burger baby family of fine fryables. oh, that's real mature. why not just throw a spit wad at him? just wait, mr. petunia. you'll see. so, your cd player's stackable, right? vinnie, there's no way you're going to win this bet. i love it here already. i'm literally giddy from the lack of responsibility. can we

howser... and mr. delpino. is everything all right here? mr. eisner's writing vinnie a recommendation for film school. isn't that great? yes, great, indeed. uh, thank you very much, mr. eisner. so according to vinnie's mom, his grandmother hated new york er went his free room and board. so he can't go to n.y.u.? that's right. i hope he's not too disappointed. me, too. good night, doogie. good night, mom. this is absolutely righteous, man. "a young man with an exuberance for life "and a single driven passion for the craft of filmmaking." i love it. "if you want an academician--" ooh, good word-- "who goes by the book "and will carry on the proven ways, "vincent delpino is not your man. "but if you want someone "who challenges barriers, pushes the limits, he's definitely your man." i'm misting up here, doog. i believe those words 100%. that's why i wrote them. they're going on my tombstone, i'll tell you that. doogie, there's something i have to cop to here. when you talked about our friendship, well, i started thinking about it, too. so i decide

david howser and dr. douglas howser. i don't want preferential treatment simply because my last name's howser. if i get this job, i'll use my maiden name-- o'brien. well... ms. o'brien... i didn't realize that you had worked as a hospital ward clerk.

howser. but the size is a problem. there's one other factor. another candidate in intensive care over at cedars-- adult male and b-negative. what about this factor-- she's dying. she's got to have the transplant. this is dr. isaacs' call. the other patient's sicker, he has a family, and he's a better match in size and blood group. as the team leader, i recommend we transport the heart to cedars. o.k. it makes sense. i can tell her. it's not going to happen, is it? it was a less than ideal situation with potential complications, so the call was to wait. so...how long do we wait, and what are the odds now? i can't say. i'm sorry, kelly. hey, don't worry about me. i'm not going anywhere. we'll wait until it's right. nothing less than ideal for this kid. don't look so sad. doogie? i think i'll title that one

howser. are you a fully accredited physician? yes, i am. no wonder this place is free. i'm going to, uh, need your full name. well, that's, uh, blind otis lemon. lemon. mr. lemon, i may not have many years of medical experience, but i'm going out on a limb here--

howser and i are more than capable of working out our differences by ourselves. plain it to you? cry for help. empty nest syndrome. i've seen it happen many times. two people live for child, give everything to child. child leaves, people forget how to just be with each other. end up arguing about sour milk. shouldn't you be mulching or something? let him talk, david. thank you, katy. couple down the street-- son off to college. bigger than yours. a lot bigger. the point, the point? divorced. house up for sale. couple down the other street. medium house, but big affairs. they're discreet, but i find out. pathetic. you're really wasted in landscaping, aren't you? wait. it doesn't have to turn out that way. always hope. take my wife and me. we move on to empty nest, stage two. stage two? every room a bedroom. ha ha ha. ha ha ha. will's ready to go. incredible, huh? half cup of this stuff could save his life. this is my baby brother's blood. he's going to help me get better. good evening, katherine. hi. i didn't hear you come in. i have something for you. david, you shouldn't have. w

howser] ha ha ha! ? i will be remembering ?

well, if it isn't baron von howser... dropping by to refuel. how was work? saw a few patients. mr. fordham gave me a very sturdy mule. should see me through the spring. how many patients did you see? get into triple digits? i got hung up on one-- a very tricky case. the symptoms mimicked a lot of things. i employed an advanced scientific approach to make the diagnosis. what was that? i sat on her bed and asked about her family. about these dishes from portugal that they'd been using. lead poisoning. the glaze hadn't been fired at a high enough temperature. does this mean you're regressing in your old age? dad, i'm sorry about what i said. you know, about the crop duster and stuff. i was being a jerk. well... i guess. you know, hippocrates made a point of writing down his mistakes, never his successes. if you're in the habit of acknowledging your errors and benefiting from them... you're in good company. son, take it from an old pro... you're a fine doctor. thanks, colonel. don't get mad. i'm very calm. what are you doing? well... i, uh, decided to take another look at your changes,

howser. yeah. oh. the stevens boy. that's a pretty car. what kind is it? his father got it for him. they both love sports cars. testarossa. why don't we take it for a test drive down to the cafeteria? there's a frozen yogurt machine. bye. we have the test results on the potential bone marrow donors. there were no matches? no... not in the immediate family. now what? we go to the computer bank. look for a donor there. my son's dying of leukemia, and you're giving him a 20,000-to-1 shot? is that your best? look, i know this is hard, but we're just going to have to wait this one out. i can't do it, doog. i need water, oxygen. i need big, burly men. burly men cost money. work with me. come on. push. last time. push! push! ah-ah-ah! watch the paint! well... congratulations, mr. delpino. that's a 200-pound couch. we were hoping for an ornament, but we'll love it all the same. that's it. we need to get going. it's funny, isn't it? let's go. what's that, mom? oh, just how 18 years of wonderful childhood memories can be crated and carried out in just under two hours. we could've done it in o

howser? seize the day, vincent. morning, doog. how's it going with jeff? last night we saw sumo wrestlers. talk about uncomfortable underwear. just thinking about it makes me walk funny. what's going on? i'm packing up. why? when word got out that i have aids,