i-i probably have been a priest, undercover, off the camera, to i-- see, i was-- i was-- i'm very familiar with, uh-- one o' my first failures, in show business, was as an altar boy, you see. i never made it. >> were you-- that's right, you are catholic. >> i tried. but, uh-- >> aw. >> i couldn't remember the latin, and, uh, i dunno. i ate all the wafers, or somethin'. i did somethin' wrong. [ laughter ] anyway, i didn't make it. i didn't make it. i just-- it was time-- >> you ever been to the beverly hills catholic church? >> uh-- >> they have a wine list, at communion. [ laughter ] >> i just wanted to sneak that in. anyway. >> "may i see your wine list?" >> all in jest. >> that's all in-- now, wait, a minute. >> all in jest. >> wait, a minute. while i'm doing copouts, that's also in jest. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> the catholic churches also has very big lawyers. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> also has a great sense of humor. [ chuckling ] >> this may happen, all during the show, tonight. just-- [ some laughter ] so, did you like being an altar boy? >> uh, no. i mean, i failed at it. >> aw. >> i n

well, darrin, i don't blame you. i knew you'd feel this way. i told myself. i-i was prepared. oh, honey, wait a minute. oh, darrin, i'm sorry. i mean, i know how you feel about witchcraft, and, well, i was just waiting for the right time to tell you about tabitha, but i guess she decided to tell you for herself. my daughter's a witch. well -- hi. it's all sort of involuntary. she wants something, and she gets it. she doesn't realize it's a special power. what are we gonna do? well, we'll just do what any parents of a child with a special ability or a talent would do. we'll just teach her how to use that talent wisely. how do we do that? oh, well, darrin, don't worry. can be witchcraft-trained. funny daddy. larry: hey, up there. remember us? tate's the name. uh, we'll be right down. sam, we got to get them out of here before -- before they see something happening and start asking questions. we sure do. now, tabitha, you lie down and go to sleep. : problems? oh, no, nothing unusual for a baby of her...age. anything i can do to help? oh, no, thank you, louise. she just doesn't wa

trump: i did it because i thought i could win.hat's happened? trump: well, it surprises a lot of people. maybe it doesn't surprise me. it doesn't-- i mean, i'm not saying this in a braggadocious way. it doesn't surprise a lot of the people that know me. levin: the day you went down that escalator, you thought you were gonna be the next president of the united states. trump: i think so, because if i didn't think that, i don't think i would've gone down the escalator. levin: tell me what the trump white house would look like, because your place is... a little like versailles. ha! what's gonna change at the white house? trump: i think the white house is such a special place and it has such a special meaning for american people, especially, but for the world. it's a world meaning. and nothing would change in the white house. the white house will remain the way it is. it's a very special place. in terms of representation or meaning, there's nothing like it. levin: what attracted you to melania? she is stunning, but there's gotta be mor

i mean, i can get any job i want. if by some fluke of fate i can't, hi! oh, hi! little bootle-bugger! what a day it is outside! i'm talking about blue, blue, blue sky -- paul newman blue -- you know, like "bing!" it stretches all the way to the flatirons out there. if john denver isn't writing a song right now, he's missing a million-seller. yeah. good day job-hunting? the possibilities are infinite. i've narrowed it down to two things -- day for the rest of my life or the job at remteck of nocturnal surveillance official. nocturnal sur-- could that be anything like night watchman? that's the generic term, yes, mind. i know the profit sharing, pension plan, and perks aren't what they should be, but i do get along very well with the doberman. well, at least you have options. it's so good to know that i can expand my knowledge into so many different fields and have the ultimate security and confidence to carry on like that. well, i-i have to go away for the weekend to aspen. oh, that's fine. i'm about to lose my son's respect for life, and you're off barrel-jumping

>> i wish i knew, charlie. i never could figure it out.one of the most objectively stupid things i have ever seen. i am pretty good at this political game. i am a by 25 points for 25lection -- i am up by points for reelection in a blue state. she showed some evidence of being scared. charlie: during the testimony. she even testified that you threw a bottle of water at her. i cannot imagine someone like that doing something and not telling you, because she would be damn worried about the fact that if you discovered it, how you would react. >> the first thing is, she was not scared of me. the incident about the water bottle was a complete fabrication. charlie: never happened. >> there were a number of staff members and cabinet members who will tell you it never happened, and even the u.s. attorney himself on the steps of the courthouse said both defendants have complete we fabricated their testimony. don't take my word for it. take the u.s. attorney's word for it, who investigated this case for 15 months, who whileigated for 1a against baron

i will make it up to you. i promise. i will make it up. i got some friends. i got lots of friends i can borrow from. >> kilroy, you don't have a friend. you never have and you never will. all you do is use people. burrises. >> look. just give me a chance. give me a chance! i will make it up to you. >> i'm sure you will. >> mr. burris, i am aiming, pointing between the fifth and next grip on the left eye. >> you're making a big mistake, mister. >> probably. >> it would be wise for you to do is my friend suggests. >> ooh! ? la di di ? >> good move, buck. >> you two, i plum forgot. >> well, orville -- [gunshot] >> i had a hunch i never should have given you pointers in snap shooting. shoot, buck -- going to shoot buck? >> he was just making sure. i hope that they put you all in the same cell. >> i was thinking -- >> now what, orville? >> what if you and me make a gentlem en. sheriff, i am starting to wake you up like this. this is orville kilroy. he has got a great for you. this is mr. burris. just jump right in, kilroy. he will listen to your story. this way pl

i mean, i don't -- i don't think -- well. i am. aren't you at yale? becoming a great artist? >> graduated yale but i'm at columbia getting my master's degree. >> oh, wow. >> art history. >> that's great. >> listen, do you know anybody else in new york? >> just you. >> just me, okay. would you like to go to dinner? >> jimmy: "nocturnal animals" opened november 23rd. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: how are you? >> good. how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. you know, it's weird. when i look at you i realize we're actually twins. >> i know. [ laughter ] i felt the same way. watching you. except you're really trimmed around the >> jimmy: and there's some other deficiencies i have as well. [ laughter ] how are you doing? >> life is good. >> jimmy: what is jake gyllenhaal's favorite halloween candy? >> huh. >> jimmy: it's not something -- you have to think about it because you don't want to go home and kick yourself because you didn't mention -- >> what's really my favorite? i like a milky way dark or something like that. refined. a refined candy bar. >> jimmy: a complic

i was laughing. but i also love the drama playing out and i just love -- i don't know. and i want to show everyone. >> thank you. >> jimmy: here's a clip. here's sarah jessica parker in "divorce," take a look at this. >> wait, wait. i have a thought. i have a thought. what about an underwater restaurant theme? you know, like, oh, we could collect all our old kitchen sponges so don't throw them away. and we could drape crepe paper from the ceiling for hide and seek kelp forest. >> we did that last year. >> you did it -- a crepe paper hide and seek kelp forest last year? >> same exact thing. >> oh. >> we filmed it. it has over 700 hits on youtube. >> oh. and is that a number that you're all proud of? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sarah jessica parker. "divorce" aires sundays at 10:00 p.m. on hbo. scott patterson, liza weil, sean gunn from "gilmore girls" joins us next. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ?? ?? ?? the first place to stop and the best place to shop is kohl's black friday. shop online all week. get $24.99 toys $29.99 diamond and crystal earr

and then i -- >> jimmy: because i didn't know -- i think i, i didn't look at anyone when i was -- >> and it so was not, is all i can say. but it was someone else who is, like, a workout queen lady in new york city, who i do kind of know. >> jimmy: tracy anderson. it was terrible. [ light laughter ] it was terrible. >> jimmy: i didn't know. i thought it was one of the olsen twins. >> jimmy: but it's a great fun story. >> thank you. i'm really excited about it. >> jimmy: and you have wacha on the front cover. >> yeah, little super wacha. little guy. >> jimmy: i mean, come on, i love your dog. dude, congrats on the show. it's over 1,000 episodes. >> yeah, i'm so psyched. it's been seven and a half years. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, you guys. >> jimmy: "watch what happens live." >> but did we tell you what we found? >> jimmy: no. >> there was a show in serbia they ripped off my set in serbia. >> jimmy: i don't see, i don't see the real -- >> okay, so that's mine. >> jimmy: this is you and your set. >> okay, there's our d'wheel. we spin to play d'wheel breakers, our rug, everything. >

i mean, i got-- i have a job, and then i go home, and i have a family, and i love it. >> that's great. >> you know, it's a little scary because thanksgiving is coming up. i'm going to be in new york, and we tend to eat until somebody dies. >> oh. [ laughter ] you mean you really binge it out on thanksgiving. >> oh, please. you know what an antipasto is? all those wonderful things, and then there's a soup, and there's sausage, and then a wonderful soup, and you know. it's escrow great, you know, and already you're getting a little sleepy from the soup, and then lasagna, and then when you make the sauce there's, you know, meatballs and sausages, and then that comes on. you know, a little salad, and then they bring out a turkey, and they go, >> following the lasagna and sausage with a turkey? >> you don't eat-- no. you just have a little bit until finally the bird just-- somebody. bite me. [ laughter ] we have no use for the bird. we have no used for the bird. >> the bird becomes the centerpiece. >> that's right. it's a centerpiece. that's it. you know what i mean? >> all right. we're go

(audience laughs) - i must say, i asked for that one, didn't i? now i've heard of the kingston trio for a long time. how long have you fellas been together? - oh, mr. benny, we organized the group in 1957. ll that's quite a while. you know, sometimes when people have been together too long they have their little differences and arguments. how 'bout you boys, do you get along real well? - sure, we get along fine. matter of fact, we had our first argument about a week ago. - oh, what was it about? - well... (clears throat) - no, tell me, what? what was it about? - well, when we were asked to be on your show, two of us didn't wanna come. ou to talk the others into it. - no, no, he's not the one that wanted to come. (audience laughs) - oh, well then it was nice of you. - i didn't wanna come either. (audience laughs) - oh, well then-- - not me! (audience laughs) - well, if none of you wanted to come, what were you arguing about? - well jack, we don't want you to get the wrong impression, it's just that we had a conflict of dates. you wanted us to be on

i had a son. you know, i was a different guy. i was more laid back, i was happier. you know, i had this little boy >> and i got on set and got into the diner and started rehearsing a scene, amy was directing and i had no idea what i was doing. i didn't feel like the guy at all. so i asked permission to go take a walk around stars hollow and when i got to the gazebo, i sat down and, you know, i started feeling like the guy again. and i went back in. >> jimmy: oh my god. >> i thought i was going to get fired. >> jimmy: you can't get fired. you're luke. you fire them. what are you talking about? it's a telephone, get out of here. >> i was so bad in rehearsal that i thought, i need to take a walk. >> jimmy: no way. amy sherman paladino, she had this idea, it's day in the life, it's four seasons, is what i'm assuming. i don't even want to know too much 'cause i don't want to spoil anything. but i know that it does end with the four words, right, that she planned on it always ending? >> yes, i believe that's right. >> jimmy: does anyone know what the four words are? >> i

i should have given up right there. i didn't. i just changed my m.o. what i did give up on was the idea of buying stock off a well researched article. way to do it until i got a call from an old friend of mine. he said an old steel mill called sps was hiring if i was looking for a high paying job. they had a lot of workers. my friend didn't know. he knew i was struggling for extra money. those calls from a friend can be like gold. nah, i was happy where i was but company, as a stock. i went to the mid town library at new york and read up on everything and everything that was sps. it's since changed to sp technology. they had everything, business periodicals, wall street journal, everything. here's what i learned. what was written was pretty darn negative and there wasn't much written. my first instinct is to say, oh, well. bummer. hold it, my information is i've got a guy telling me they can't handle the business they have and need to add additional shifts of unskilled labor like me. the periodicals didn't know anything about it. in other words, i had

i was like, "i don't-- i don't know. i just--" i realized i don't know what my butt looks like because it's behind me. so i don't actually know. and i was like, "i think this one looks good." and the producer was like, "her butt's a little square." and i was like, "do i have a later, compare your butt to this person's butt? no, even if you are lookin looka mirror you're twisting around. >> stephen: do you own an iphone or are you the one person in hollywood-- >> i think it would be a bad idea to take a picture of my butt. >> stephen: maybe so. >> i expect it -- >> what was your criteria? highway did you finally land on the butt? >> basically, they were like, well, all of these girls are too tall and too tan, so really it has to be this one, girl. i was like so i just saw all these naked women for nothing. i mean, not for nothing, it was great, but -- >> obviously, obviously, right. so what happened to this book of polaroids? >> i don't know. that's a great question. >> stephen: i'm curious. i wouldn't leave that laying a

i want my reinstatement. stan, i told you, i need a few days. yeah, i know, i just wanted to say you may hear that i helped out on a pop this afternoon. thought you might be able to figure it in. well, i don't know what you're talking about, but i promise you it'll be figured in. catch of the day, captain. a kid who grabbed patruzzi, suitable for stuffing and mounting. how's russo? seems to be okay. good work, lucy, patrick. henry, warrants? on their way back from judge simpson's. they got me to do this idiot talk show. nice work, tina. tina... you have a couple of minutes? are you okay? i just received a notification report from the police physician. says he saw your foving been beaten. i'm okay. im is that as far as it went? for the where and when? did i break furillo's law? tina, the doctor speculates you may also have been sexually assaulted. but you refused examination or treatment.. i'm okay. if donatelli raped you, i want to charge him with it when we bring him in. plus you should also get some counseling. just promise me i get to be in o

i left and i remember that day back and i've met for dinner that evening and i said i've got something to tell you. and the first thing i said was i'm not going to the supreme court and in a sense it was somewhat of a relief. we were actually anxious to leave washington d.c. hopefully to come back to texas and it freaked me out to do my job as attorney general without the pressure of possibly being the nominee. then i gave her the second bit of news. tomorrow i'm going to iraq and she said what? of course we minimize the number of people that knew about the travel. i think she probably felt better and felt it was safer for me to go into iraq than to be on the supreme court. i think history is going to look back at the appointment of john roberts sam alito and conclude that those words president bush's final two decisions. >> you have. some different reviews of your book and i have my own review that i will share with you. there is a lot about everything in the book any talk about a couple of cases, your job is not a game of being perfect and the java present is not a game of being perf

i do, i do -- >> steve: i know. you don't like mayonnaise. i love mayo. >> jimmy: i do the turkey. i do the turkey. i do the stuffing. >> steve: yep. >> jimmy: and then, i do cranberry sauce that acts as the mayonnaise. 'cause it's fun. >> steve: i usually take -- i usually take -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and, then i put -- i put -- >> steve: a hamburger on top of it? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. no, then just toast. toast is what i do. >> steve: yeah, you toast it up. >> jimmy: does everyone toast it? [ audience yells no ] that's what i'm it up. >> steve: yeah, you switch it up. >> jimmy: do you remember when i was on "saturday night live," and we called up the carnegie deli? >> steve: oh, yeah. >> jimmy: and i would order sandwiches for everybody in the writers' room, and i'd go, "can i get an al pacino? and can i get a, you know" -- because they were named after famous actors and stuff, all the sandwiches? and i go, "can i get a a jimmy fallon?" [ laughter ] and the guy was like, "what's that?" and i go, "i'll get an al pacino." "oh, i got that." i go, "robert de niro?" "yeah, now

i think i hear the doorbell ringing. oh, yes, i do. please let them in. >> guillermo: open the door. >> jimmy: feast your eyes on this. which i'm again going to go to the cow because you should certainly know this one. >> abe lincoln? >> abra-hamburger lincoln. >> jimmy: absolutely correct, well done. thank you, male cow. i guess i was supposed to let him reveal that, all right. sorry, abe. all right. i think i hear the doorbell again. and here it is. open the doors and look at -- oh my goodness. now that's not so easy to figure out. do you have any idea to this is? >> i have no clue. >> jimmy: you know? >> it's a jon snow globe. >> jimmy: it is a jon snow globe. winter came and really never left. he's trapped in that bubble. thanks, jon snow globe. guillermo, do you hear rustling outside on our porch? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: yes, i do too. ringing the bell, open the doors for them. and we have -- all right, now this one is very topical from this year. you know what it again too? how about you what do you think? >> harley queen o

i am a little worried i have to do it, i am a little concerned.america is america ready for a white president? [laughter] i don't know once you go black, you know how it goes. [laughter] i don't know, i'm just putting it out there but it is interesting, even the upcoming trump presidency is even effect in the book world. bookstores are taking all copies of the constitution and moving them from the government section to the fiction section. all copies of trump books are moving from the nonfiction section to the horse section, i think think that is appropriate. actually think that is appropriate. and now, here's the other thing, there are now taking classic books and i have to change the titles just make it coincide with what is going on in the country right now. this. this makes me sad. like the great gatsby is now going to be the terrific and i mean terrific gatsby. too many words right. little women will now be known as little women who will all be dating in ten years. like i said that right? [laughter] that's what he said. the hitchhikers guide

i even matured and changed. of course i did, i aged. but i got better. so it was just -- it was fun to watch. >> jimmy: tim conway, was he as -- because he always cracked you guys up. when you were doing the show was he as funny off-camera as he was on the show? >> tim would do things for himself too. without an audience. just his sense of humor. i remember this one time, my husband and i went to a party with the gang in the valley. and phwe got there a little bit late. tim was sitting on the couch with his head swathed in toilet he had eyeholes poked in. he wasn't drunk, he was just doing this bit. looked like the invisible man. you know. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so somebody took, back then, a polaroid picture of him. and it came out kind of the size of your driver's license picture. so he cut it out. and this was before everything got laminated and stuff. he stuck it, the picture, on over the top of his real driver's license picture. so picture shows him with the toilet paper. now the party's ended. still wrapped in the toilet paper, he gets in his car.

what if i don't want to wait? you know... i mean, i don't know if i want to wait. come on, you've got to think this through. you've got to take some time and work on this thing. now, tell me about your friend. my friend's dead. fuller: is my case pretty much what you're used to, plesser? it's a walk in the park. my last client blew a .41-- that's legally dead. he did weigh 500 pounds but still that's a pretty big number. ativity. i said if he's dead he couldn't be convicted. if he's not dead, the system's inaccurate. either way, he shouldn't be convicted. did they convict him? of course. but i must have made some kind impression. two weeks later, one judge asked me to represent him. so, what do you think i'm looking at here? that's marginal. normally, they let it pass. ism. but i wasn't drunk. i know you weren't drunk. you could drive. but that's the deal. rhonda: so how did it go? you want the party line or the truth? which ever's more optimistic. in that case, i'll make something up. i don't remember a bad twilight zone episode. adam, relax. tomorrow, it will all

i know. i know. i know, i know, i know. so i guess in one week, we'll know if donald trump is our next president or if hillary clinton rigged the election. did you see there's a memo from a veteran spy that says vladimir putin has been supporting donald trump for five years. after hearing this, trump said -- [ trump impression ] oh my god, i forgot it was our anniversary. [ laughter ] what do you get for five? is it crystal? i hope it's not china. [ laughter and applause ] let's get to some sports. cleveland for the indians and the cubs in the world series. [ cheers and applause ] how exciting. how exciting is that? but there's another notable team in town, the cleveland browns. they're the only team in the nfl that hasn't won a single game all season. after eight straight losses, they decided to shake up their playbook, yeah. and we got a hold of it. >> steve: are you serious? >> jimmy: some of the new plays, yeah. check these out. first, there's the, everybody [ laughter and applause ] that could work. >> steve: that work

"when i was a child, i spake as a child, i understood as a child, and i thought as a child. but when i became a man, i put away childish things. now abideth faith, hope, and charity, these three. but the greatest of these is charity." 13th chapter. well, susan, speakin' of charity, how 'bout gettin' that old bowl of flannel and makin' a shirt for this man? -can i go in now? -he's shavin', that's all. say, tom tells me that you may have your new house come spring. well, it looks that way. we haven't sold off all our hides, but if the prices hold up, we'll have it. well, i sure am glad for you. now you look like cheyenne again. feel like him again, too. sure am obliged to you folks for all your hospitality. it's been a pleasure. would you slip this on for me? it fits real nice. ? whoa. ? hello, cowpoke. see you made the winter. we wanna thank ya for it. you aimin' on takin' the herd? you're real smart. you got everything right on your very first guess. i spent the hardest winter of my life keepin' that herd alive, and i ain't lettin' 'em go without a fight. you want 'im, kelso

>> i have a balcony where it could sit out and i found a reading chair and i can read in bed and i can read at the table, but usually, i can tell when i'm very tired if i can't reinvent. that's the signal. >> when folks found out i was going to be talking with you, think three different people, for whatever reason want to know, our are you going to continue living in baltimore and commuting to washington? >> yes and i'm looking forward to being a civilian in baltimore, but it's a city that really grabs you. it's a city with 70 characters-- with so many characters and you get a sense when you read herb book of so many characters because it nurtures creativity and caring, i think? host: if you have to make a choice would you rather read fiction or non- fiction? guest: that's a hard choice. however, i would go for nonfiction. i love history. now, i can read all of those things, but i really like to read things like the queen's bed, which is about queen elizabeth the first nl of the intrigue around that, so history can sometimes be more exciting, i think, then fiction. host: over time, wha

i--i--i don't think i can handle this. walter, help me. okay, sweetheart. help me. okay, sweetheart. help me. but calm down. the next thing i knew, walter, we were parked behind the bunker hill monument. he went crazy! i tried to get away and he grabbed me and tore my favorite angora sweater. he was like a madman with blood in his eye and a fist full of fuzz. i tried to scream for help, but the... the windows were up and the car radio was blasting. while i was fighting desperately to keep my clothes from being ripped off me, ish kabibble was singing "don't sit under the apple tree." ish kabibble? walter, i was fighting for my life! i didn't have time to switch stations!!! anyway, just when i thought the battle was lost, my saddle shoe smashed through his windshield. well, he was so startled that i just jumped out of the car, and he didn't even notice, and i just... i ran and i ran and i ran, and i didn't get home very upsetting for you, but at least he didn't-- well, i mean, nothing happened. and that makes it all right, walter? because he didn't finish what he star

and i was there. i decided i would sit through it. i found an empty chair and i sat and i watched it. i'm in a lot of the movie so sometimes it's not easy to see yourself there. it was made more difficult by the fact that the woman who was sitting next to me, she would watch a scene and then she would just turn and sort of lean into me and look at me. >> jimmy: what? >> which is weird. also she had to get like really dark. so i just felt -- strange experience. >> jimmy: is it possible she thought the movie was in 3d? [ laughter ] >> that's possible. that kind of movie. >> jimmy: that is a weird thing to do, yeah. do you go to the movies much? will you go see other people's movies? >> yeah, i go to movies. >> jimmy: did you see your brother in "batman"? [ laughter ] >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: you went to the -- >> thought it was great. >> jimmy: you went to the regular theater? >> you didn't like and it you said bad things about it. i thoughit >> jimmy: that's not true but now i feel you're lying and you did not see the movie. >> i saw i

i stole it. you're lying. i'm not. i-i swear to-- i stole it. i'm a thief, but i never informed on nobody, that's the truth. i stole the bag. i stole it. who from? who from? do you want me to scrape it from the inside of you? who from? don't hit me again, please. grady. he's the one i stole it from. grady. yes. he had it hidden on his wagon. if you're lying-- i'm not. i swear it. ( groans ) not after i told you what you wanted. you're not going to do that now? you--you can't tell him. they'd kill me if they knew that i was the one that stole their stuff. ? that was the day ? ? we said farewell ? ? dear native land, to thee ? ? and wandered forth to find a home ? ? beyond the stormy sea ? about time you trimmed that bird's nest of yours. oh, i'm just shaping up a little bit. say, that's a pretty song, ain't it? yeah. sure tickles me, the way them irish people are always singing. they can do a lot more besides sing. yeah? what do you mean by that? oh, i don't know. i've just got a feeling that there's trouble brewing down there. i wouldn't worry a

i did. woman: i was there, too. so was i. it was me. i was there. so was i. ( faint noise downstairs ) ( bell rings ) i'm sorry i'm late. i had some... where is everyone today? take your seat. i came to give you this. you're all being kept out of class by your parents. it's just until the next chapter. great. josh, you're excused. let's get into how accurate ancient fossil records are. hi. hi. you're protesting biology class, too? me and shannon thought maybe you and tom might want to come over to my house tonight and we could study the bible together. you really want to do that? sure. i want you to teach me. tonight. yeah, sure. miss wallace: how come you don't have a note? i'm just here to learn. nobody says i got to believe it, right? thank you. do you believe in god? tom, scientists can believe in god every bit as passionately as you or mr. crawford, or the pope. the two are not mutually exclusive. why don't you tell people that? because i shouldn't have to state religious beliefs to keep monkeys out of my house. o you that beyond a shadow of a

>> i guess. i mean, i don't know. i was like, nope. >> jimmy: i don't care if they have to sue you, stick with that, that was yours. >> i didn't hear that. >> jimmy: when you were playing in the game, there was a big -- for those who didn't see it, if you didn't you really missed something. you guys were on top, then the indians detail back and tied in the eighth with a home run, and then as if the game wasn't crazy enough, it started to rain. seemed like it was raining really hard. was it raining very hard? >> it was okay. it started out -- we play through that all the time. you know, then it started pouring. it's like, of course this happens. we hate rain delays. i mean, you stop the game -- >> jimmy: they delay the game. [ laughter ] >> it stinks. >> jimmy: and you get wet. >> that was the best thing for us, i think. >> jimmy: why was it the best thing? >> we recouped and had a meeting in the weight room there. jason heyward led the way. >> >> jimmy: crying? >> yeah, like -- it's upsetting -- we hadn't won a world

i i ke it you are. i got your message, came as fast as i could. what's it for? well, tataan, i got these fishermen off a yacht staying here and, well last night they... what about last night? s the man we heard about? yes. tarzan, this is mr. bonacci. -hello. -hello. and this is ononof the men off their boat. name's hank, hiya, buddy. hello, hank. and this is mr., mr. john turner. -pleasure. -mr. turner. tarzan, do you know where there's a fork of two rivers aroundndere? yeah, with a big, bald hill? well, yes i do, it sounds like it's ambuga, a few miles south of here. good, maybe you can take us there. a plane apparently crashed there last night, tarzan. yeah, we were in our boat, see, last nigig i heard night, about dark. yeah, it was just a little after dark. this guy was screamin' he was gonna go d dn. he was gonna hit this big, bald hill. lora, did you know to give him a rescue? no, my p pne has been out of order all week. yeah, well, we tried on the yacht's radio, but we got trouble with the transmissioio like this poor pilot, i could hear him, but he coul

i like that. last night from las vegas, trump versus clinton three, and just like that we're one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. it was the third most watched debate in history. more than 71 million people watched/screamed at their tv. there were a few more catch phrases and guillermo got a new hat out of it. >> that's right. >> jimmy: i like that. are you selling those? >> no. they're free for the bad [ laughter ] >> jimmy: bad hombres was one of the more memorable sayings from trump. the problem is we pronounced it like this. >> we have bad aumbre here. >> jimmy: which means what, guillermo? >> hungry. >> jimmy: donald trump is in trouble, we have bad hungries here. dinners in spanish? >> aumbr? hombre. >> jimmy: there were a number of zingers last night. i thought this was a good one too. >> it is up to us to make that true now and in the future and particularly for our children and our grandchildren. >> mr. trump? >> nobody has more respect for women than i do, nobody. [

i felt like i was there but i didn't get to go. >> it was great. then afterward i went over my alma matter the university of kansas was playing the number one team in the country, duke, until that was on, that was on past 12:30 this morning. >> oh, wow. >> who won? >> i don't know, i don't watch kansas. >> kansas jay hawks won. take a look at these pictures from the marion anderson awards last night. i take a horrible photo. but the young man helped me out with this. we all look green. so this is after the award. so probably past midnight now. leon huff handcuff, kenny gamble, patti labelle honored. >> look good there, good lighting. so what did she say to her? >> i walk over to her, oh, i watch you guys every morning. and you know what i liked about it? you know what i love about you? you're all very honest, just blurt out. no editing, blurt/what you are feeling. >> and that's you. >> and she loved, that and she's probably watching. >> high. i can't believe it, patti labelle watches this show. >> every day. >> i would love to meet her one day. >>

other thing that i think i do on everything i own i cut bottom.nim is a 36 when you buy it. i ten to cut all of my jeans as well. >> okay, i love it. i learned a lot. i never think of doing black for the jeans. >> yes. >> and wait one last thing make sure after you cut them up and you have have your slits you have to turn them inside out and wash them in the washing machine and play with the seems. really rip them apart and work the hems. >> no one really listens to me, mike. >> thanks, jen. >> i did this within time and now, i didn't take the jeans off bring started cutting, and now i can't have children. >> there are no stranger to. >> did i get the eye roll. >> no, what are you talking about. >> no stranger to the spotlight but this rob kardashian dude and black china, they will share a very personal intimate moment on their tv show, what do you think it is. oh, lord. you out. no warning, no hearing. it's a lending practice so outrageous, most states banned it. but at the bank founded by pat toomey it was business as usual. forcing small busine

>> i have. i have.ght? >> yeah and the best part is the dessert cart is everything. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't know that. >> it is everything. >> jimmy: the dessert cart? >> yes, it comes around like fifth inning and i'm like, hold on. hold on. >> really? >> they have this thing called a rainbow cake that's so good. >> jimmy: i didn't know that. i've never been. i'm dying -- i'd love to go. i'm dying to go. it's a great time to be rooting for sports in chicago. i also love christmas movies, holiday movies, "almost christmas," jb smoove being so funny in it. oh my gosh! >> jb, mo'nique. >> jimmy: mo'nique is great as well. >> john michael higgins, iggins. dc young fly, it's so many funny people. >> jimmy: and you want to set up the movie at all and tell the people what it's about? >> this clip is -- it's the first christmas back with our whole family after the matriarch has passed away and there's a lot of shenanigans going on and perhaps i have invited my sister's husband's mistress to dinner

i think i was about 10,002. we now have about 25,000 employees and they are located all over the world. one thing about a salesforce that makes the company very unique is that it was founded with a newfound topic model and we hav have held out 111. that means 1% of our equity, 1% of our employees time and 1% of our products are donated to charitable organizations. this flow through the entire culture of the company. we've also taken some very leading roles in terms of social issues. in the past year those overly been centered around gender pay and equality for women. and lgb let us an action throughout the country. i can address those later on. in terms of my journey to becoming the general counsel for a tech company, this is not at all what i thought i was going to end up. i come from account of 14 lawyers, and as my father likes to point out with a deep sigh, i am the only one who has gone in house. my father worked for the same law firm for 55 years into this is but a different course. after graduating from m

>> i wish i knew, charlie. i wish i knew. i never could figure it out. it was one of the most abjectly stupid things i've ever seen. think about it, you know me. i'm pretty good at this political game. i am up by 25 points for re-election in a blue state and they decide they're going to create a traffic jam in a town that say democrat town that i wound up winning. >> rose: she showed some evidence of being scared during her testimony. she even testified you had thrown a bottle of water at her. i can't imagine someone like that doing something and not telling you because she would be damn worried about the fact that if you discovered it, how you would react. >> well, first thing s she wasn't scared of me. and that incident about a water bottle, complete fab ri kaition. >> rose: never happened. >> never happened. and there were a number of staff people in the room during the briefing she referenced and cabinet members who will tell you that it never happened. and even a u.s. attorney himself on the steps of the courthouse after the trial said that both def

my kids are sleeping. >> i am so sorry. i mean i didn't think it was house, please? >> yeah, i do. i mean i really do. >> she can't talk to us that way. >> yeah! [ laughter ] >> oh! >> come on back -- >> i'm not [ bleep ] around. >> seth: please welcome back to the show casey affleck, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> seth: how are you? >> great. >> seth: it's really good to see you again. >> thanks, i just want to clear something up. you're not a donald trump supporter, then? >> seth: it's on the -- i'm trying to be very coy about it. i try to keep my audience guessing. [ laughter ] >> i get it. >> seth: this movie -- i was telling you backstage, this is a beautiful movie. it's fantastic. as we can tell from the clip, >> yeah. >> seth: and you know it takes place in massachusetts because you've got to like bleep three f words in any -- anytime the movie takes place i feel like -- but is it true you that originally did not want to do a massachusetts accent in this? you didn't want to have the boston accent? >> yeah, for a minute i thought maybe i wouldn't do a massachusetts

- i heard about the shooting. - i was there. i know, that's why i was waiting. 'm sorry too. s that's the shortest friendship a man ever had. you mean, you've changed your mind? you knew that already. this is something i'm not going to be proud of but i guess keogh's got to be stopped. why do you think i've spent a year trying to run him down? so let's keep it between us. alright. but don't take any chances with keogh. he's dangerous. get in with hihi [whistling] ain't you up kinda late? what about yourself? ran out of women. small town. - why you all packed? - i'm pulling g t, pat. just waiting up to say goodbye. 'cause of what happened down in the saloon? no. well, then, why? by request. man named grayson suggested that this town might not agree with me. never figured you for a fellow who'd run. all depends. it's easy to leave a place if you don't have a reason for stayin'. what if you had a reason? how'd you like to make some money? big money. fine, but that's not an easy thing to do. why not? where do people keep money? i never owned anymore than i could car

i-i just-- i don't know, man. i ain't doin'-- i go to beverly hills and rodeo drive and-- you know-- [ laughing ] see-- on rodeo drive, from-from six feet away, everybody is a 10. they're all 25 years old and all beautiful. >> right. >> they had this fixed and that fixed and this moved. they had their spirit worked on, their soul-- everything! you don't know what you-- i mean, you kissin' some beautiful lady, and she says, "call me bill." you don't even know, because... [ laughter ] noah's walkin' down the street with me the other day. >> yeah. >> i gotta give you one line, that i love more than life. we were walkin' down the street, watchin' all these people, and they're all beautiful. and, as they come to you, it's like dorian gray. and they go waarghh. >> just-- >> t rodeo drive has got some of the most beautiful ugly people in the world." [ laughter ] >> they're all-- so, i d-- ya know, i'm s-- >> yeah. >> i go out with 'em, and i say, "hello. how are ya?" and i'm outta gas, man. i don't know where to go from

i'm sorry if i bothered you. >> i have to level with you, stan, i don't think he's worth the efforts. >> probably feels bad and doesn't want to mention it. >> yes, madam. >> hello. yes. of course i am. all right, sir, sure. >> not exactly buckingham palace and there's no wireless. >> i have a radio. i'll bring it over. >> it's dreary. i realize there isn't much of anything in this town. sir, maybe >> things didn't work out in london. >> well look, there's a taxi waiting. >> yes, sir. >> i've been going over all the reports concerning you too. i want to ask you one thing.. either one of you harboring any hard feelings? >> no, sir. >> no, sir. >> all right, lieutenant, that will be all. >> captain. >> sir. >> got words for you and i think you have a pretty good friend there. >> this isn't a social club. we do try to work togetetr here. i think the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. that's all. have a good day. >> how much longer?? >> navigator to pilot. 10 minutes, sir. >> clear over the target area. >> right. >> i didn't hehe you. >> trying to pick you up. >> somebody saw

>> no i don't and i think you know that i oppose the death penalty all of my life. i don't see any evidence that it is a deturrent and there's better and more effective ways to deal with violent crime. we have done so in my own state and it's one of the reasons we have the biggest drop in crime in america and why we have the lowest murder rate of any state in america. but we have work to do in this nation. we have work to do to fight a real war and not a phony war against drugs. that's something we haven't had over the course of the past many years even though the vice president has been at least allegedly in charge of that war. we have much to do to step up that war to work with our neighbors in this hemisphere and i want to call a summit soon after the 20th of january as possible. and that's one of the things that i hope i can lead personality as president of the united states. and be able to help them in the early elementary grades so we can fight this war and win this war and we can do so in a way that provides real support for state and local law enforcement of

i think i broke a toe once but i don't think i paid attention. ever done that? you kick something, wonder if it's broken? >> i don't even think they can set the toe. >> can't do anything. >> just sorry. all right, we can move on. to robert redford, only on our show do you go from broken toes to robert redford. >> what did he say? >> he announced he's retiring soon from acting. he's 80 years old. committed to acting in two more films. one reuniting with jane fonda in a love story. >> i'd watch that. >> i wish he'd do "the way we were "again" with your wife. years later. >> they've been trying, i think. >> really? >> it's been kicked around. we'll see. >> does barbra do that to your hair -- >> and two more? >> we'll see. >> that's the other one. >> the other one! >> what? "the way we were"? >> he's doing one, and that's the other one. >> write a letter. >> we made news. >> we did not! >> yes sh, we did. >> go with it. >> all right, also going to star in a star with casey affleck and sissy spacek. when they're done, i'm saying, okay, good-bye to all that and focus

i-hoda? >> i did. >> i stand wrong. >> everybody connects with that particular song. >> because it's true, it's just true. >> beautiful. >> all right, and dolly, what a year she's had. she shed a tear when she won an award for lifetime achievement. >> yeah, the woman of country music saluted her. they sung a medley of her songs ending with "i will always love you." take a look. ? i will always love you ? ? i will always love you ? gosh dang it, dolly, we love you to pieces. >> aw. >> that was reba was there, casey musgraves, jennifer nettles, carrie underwood and martina mcbride. we've got another dolly movie coming up this christmas season. >> yes, we do. >> now it's also national sandwich day. >> what did you pick? >> i don't know. i forgot. we picked it so -- >> so long ago. >> let me look. let me bite it. it's got turkey. avocado. >> that's a good one. >> just lettuce. >> avocado, swiss cheese, a little mayo. look at mine. >> what is your, hoda? >> mine looks like i need a bud light with

i can put heat on my hair. i can curl it. i can make it look however i want, and i love it. i love how versatile it is. >> absolutely. and look at your hair. it's gorgeous. >> it's so much fun. you know, i was worried about my wedding day and what i would think. but now i'm like, "i'm ready for it." i can't wait. my hair is gonna look beautiful. i'm so excited, yeah. >> it looks beautiful now. you both look tremendous. i mean, i would never know. nobody would ever know. >> that's what's so perfect about it. people do not know. you cannot tell. and it was illuminating to go into hair club and see how many other women. i had no idea. >> mm-hmm. >> alyssa, what would you tell women who are watching and still wondering if this is for them? hair club as soon as possible, because it changes your life. it makes you feel like a completely new person. it really does. >> susan, agree? >> completely agree, completely agree. >> [ chuckles ] >> make that call, like, right away. don't do this to yourself anymore. don't suffer with it anymore. >> announcer: at hair club, we understand that

i think that -- i think that's the translation. >> steve: i think that. yeah, i don't speak greek.eek to me. >> jimmy: i don't know, yeah. [ laughter ] between now and inauguration day, donald trump's transition team has to appoint 4,000 people. and because they need to hire so many people in such a short time, they made a special job application for anyone interested. and so right now i'm going to tell you, the best way to fill it out to land a job in the trump administration. for example, the first question is, did you vote for trump? [ laughter ] you're going to want to answer yes on that. next question is, did you hear anything trump said during the election? for that you're going to want to answer no. [ laughter ] that's a -- [ applause ] and finally, for the question, are you a u.s. citizen? you're going to want to circle, is this a trap? [ laughter and applause ] and there you go. just, just a little helpful hint and you'll be in there. don't worry about it. >> steve: little fyi. >> jimmy: don't worry about it. yesterday donald trump and mike pence reportedly received their

i -- i do it, kathy! don't look at me like that. [ laughter ] >> well, you're a lot more famous than i am. you're a lot -- and they're waiting for you outside, you know that after the show they're going to be there. >> seth: look, let me tell you of my autographs to pick up. [ laughter ] so, this is very exciting. you got a hollywood -- a star on the hollywood walk of fame. >> i did, yeah. >> seth: congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: but you -- you have actually been -- you've been outside mann's chinese theater as a kid. >> yeah. >> seth: very close to where the star ended up. is this true? >> yes, that's true. i was with my beloved aunt lee. i'd go to visit her in l.a. and it's -- i have a photo from 1956 when i ei right in front of grauman's. >> seth: that's fantastic. look at you guys. [ audience aws ] >> i know. >> seth: so where were you -- >> my star is like 20 yards that way. >> seth: that's great. >> right in front of the souvenir store. >> seth: really? >> yeah, next