>laughteri> ) >> stephen, jim. you stay safe out there. ( laughter ) you think he would be wearing a winter coat or something like that. it's very surprising he's dressed that way. quick reminder to everybody who may not know this, the weather channel has no authority to name anything. they are not part of the government. ( laughter ) in fact, i have as much authority to name things as they do, so, because we're expecting 18 inches of snow, even though just last week it was 60 degrees, i'm calling this "winter storm crazy balls." ( suspenseful music ) ( cheers and applause ) yeah, that's much more likely. >> jon: pretty crazy, pretty crazy. >> stephen: speaking of crazy balls-- the gop's health care plan came out last week. ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) and, so far, it's popular with everyone... except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, democrats, republicans, and, uh, what's the word... mortals. ( laughter ) yeah. these mortals, t

>> of course, stephen. when is like the great cowboy woody said, "hey, buzz lightyear. let's go have a crazy adventure with mr. potatohead." wooo! authentic cowboy talk. >> stephen: okay, i know it's you, regular god. >> all right, all right. it's me, stephen. i'm sorry. i just wanted to look cool. >> stephen: you are cool, god. you created everything. you don't need to resort to cheap costumes and silly voices to make people like you. >> all right. well, from now on, it's dignity all the way. isn't that right, pirate god? yaaaaaaaaaarg! that be the honest truth. walk the plank, sinners. thus sayeth pirate god. pew! pew! >> stephen: pirate god, everybody. >> bring me your chobani. >> stephen: we'll be right back with john legend. >> bring me your chobani. you can get rewarded for all kinds of things... like walking. hey, honey. dad, where's the car? thought we'd walk. he's counting steps. walk, move and earn money... goal! dad... hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. look at this dad, he's g

<i>>> stephen: i believe that.e response, and that's gratitude to be here. >> always, to be here. i think we take it for granted. when you think about it, when your father has sex with your mother it's 400 million sperm cells that come out, and only one allows us to be where we are. >> stephen: yeah. >> so that's a lot of privilege in that sperm. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah. >> stephen: i, for the record, do not believe my parents had sex. >> really. >> stephen: no, just a firm handshake. >> okay. >> stephen: firm handshake at bedtime and "see you in the morning, darling." that's the image i have in my mind for the record. now, what is south carolina privilege. you're from south carolina, i'm from south not that far away. monks corner. >> monks corner. >> stephen: what's south ca

>> i lived in a neighborhood called boys town. >> stephen: oh, yeah. i know that well. own. >> stephen: okay. what were you doing there? what were you doing in chicago? >> i was doing improv. second city improv olympics. boys town is great, because my gay friends who have experienced that are like, "boys town is gayer than san francisco." it's so gay. there are bars that are moist and tough and stuff like that. >> stephen: and, of course, the man hole. >> the man hole. but what's great about-- i mean, the walk-- because i would walk to improv olympic, or i.o., i guess now it's called. you go through boys town where, honestly, there will be guys in assless leather chaps. they'll be like, "hey, join us!" and i'm like, "i can't do a show." and you cross the street and guys in backwards cubbies hats playing corn hole. and they're like, what are you doing here! how do you guys get along together? you're so close. >> stephen: it's a big tent. >> and there are hard neighborhood divisions in chicago. >> stephen: you are, as i said, you're on "silicon valley." you personally have

because i thought if my-- >> yes! >> stepheni love this child instantly i haven't loved them enough. >> chrissy says, if they don't want to to come have dinner with us when we're expoald hang out and call us, i will be so sad sadd. we put so much love into this." >> stephen: of. >> stephen: it is never too early to guilt-trip them. congratulations on this. >> that's me! >> stephen: this is you. "time" magazine has just put out their 100 most influential people in the world, and look at that cover right there. ( cheers and applause ) >> obviously, i'm very pleased in this moment. >> stephen: yeah. that's extraordinary, extraordinary. 100 people, what are there, like, seven billion people in the world? you're personally responsible for 70 million people. ( laughter ) that's a lot of responsibility. >> a lot of influence. >> stephen: who wrote your-- because they have someone write a little blurb. >> yeah. >> stephen: who wrote yours. >> harry belafonte. >> stephen: that's kind of fitting. he's an artist and activist. >> absolutely

>> stephen: not that often. when ind the colbert unit is sent to your house. >> stephen: they show up with guns. ( laughter ) >> a lot of people in this country go months or years without interacting with the cops and interact with them casually. we all want to have zero interaction because we

>> stephen: he thought it was totally fun. i't like anything. they're not interested. >> stephen: they don't like anything with you or anything? >> they've seen-- like-- this is how spoiled my kids are. they met taylor swift three times. i'll take them to taylor swift concerts, try to pull a favor to get to meet her, and i hold it over their heads. if they ever give me a hard time, i'm like, "you be quiet! you met taylor swift three times! ( laughter ) if you give me any trouble, you cannot meet demi lovato at the meet and greet. and i will downgrade that to a meghan trainor right now!" ( laughter ) >> stephen: they are both lovely, talented women, who are welcome on the show at anytime. >> it's more about the funny sounding name. >> stephen: i know, i know. okay, so they don't care. it only lasts for a little while. the cool dad only lasts for a little while. >> when you're 14 you're daughter barely talks to you. >> stephen: yeah, i took my daughter to the grammys when she was 14. i was cool for 24 hours. >> yeah. my daughter w

i? >> stephen: no -- who-am-i? omedian on a new show called "the president show." >> "the president show." >> stephen: starts next week. next thursday, the 27th. >> stephen: and on it, you are hosting it as president donald trump, okay? ( cheers and applause ) >> thank god i don't look that much like him. >> stephen: how did this come about? are you an impressionist by nature? >> no an improvisedder. i work at the upright citizens brigade ( applause ) and i have been like a troll for 15 years improvising. one night we were doing a show august 2015. someone said mr. president -- and i thought this will be funny, it's been two months since the escalator that rolled around the world. so i thought why not go down and do trump. so i stepped out and did a horrible impression, not good at all. myen show, write a show. so i wrote the show in a week. >> stephen: this show? yes, this television show i wrote in a week -- no. my initial show "the trump dump" is what it was called, at ucb, and the conceit was trump became presid

i mean-- >> stephen: it's super scary. l, when i read the script i was terrified, and it was one of those scripts that i read and i walked away from. and then it slowly seeped back into my brain and kept me up all night, and i was like, does this mean i should do the movie or i shouldn't? i don't know. i can't sleep. i can't think. but i did it. >> stephen: well, we have a clip right here. can you set up what's going on here? it's-- >> i can't. >> stephen: you can't? >> i can't. no, i'm kidding. i can't say too much. >> stephen: okay. >> but basically my character, joan, kind of goes on a bit-- a bit of a road trip with this couple, and you're not really sure why or what their relationship is. and so this is kind of the one of the first interactions between joan and the husband character. so it's a little bit odd. >> stephen: jim. >> are you going to portsmouth, too? >> no, not exactly. linda and i are headed to the town just before it. we're going to branford. do you know branford? >> when do we leave? >> what's that? >> w

do you have any experience. >> stephen: i host "the late show"" on cbs. >> we can fix that. >> stephen: wait a second. can you hear me? >> no, i don't want to. let's get a little business out of the way. type in your credit card number. >> stephen: okay. >> you seem to have a knack under comedy. now your social security number. mother's maiden name? >> stephen: really? >> company needs it. name of your first pet. company need it. urine sample. >> stephen: company needs it? >> no, that's for me. for your first lesson on being a great stand-up comedian. >> stephen: should i stand up. >> why. >> stephen: if i want to be a stand-up comedian, i think i should stand up. >> never heard of that, but, hey, give it a try. >> stephen: how's this? >> hmmm, not so good, not so good. >> stephen: steve martin what are you doing here gitook the liberty of signing you up for the deluxe package. >> stephen: how much is that? >> you have a lifetime to pay for it. >> stephen: shouldn't i know the price. >> am i! i like the idea of standing up. looking good, looked good. arch the back a little bit. bring t

( applause ) where have i seen you? >> stephenid on that show-- one of the first times i interviewed you-- you said that you were thinking about running for the prime minister of israel. >> okay. >> stephen: on this season, there's one episode where you go to israel-- >> west bank. >> stephen: west bank, and you meet a sister who we've never heard of before. >> yeah. >> stephen: for only one episode. and you guys debate settlements in the west bank. >> yes. >> stephen: and that was you putting your toe in israeli politics and saying, "let's throw up a trial balloon here and see if anybody would agree with me?" >> i'd like to have that discussion in front of 10 million people across the world. i think that's an interesting discussion to have. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i said to you last time we were together in that cable version of your existence that-- that i was hoping to run for prime minister, and i wanted you to be my secretary of state. and i-- and i still wanted to do that. and we had talked about it, you and i, and we were

i mean i'm not crazy about profanity every other word. >> stephen: sure. >> you know what i mean? it's the right word. >> stephen: economically. >> how are you-- how did south carolina produce both you and strom thurmond? that's what i don't understand. >> stephen: i have no (bleep) idea. ( laughter ) ( applause ) was that appropriate? was that appropriate? was that appropriate? >> where's continuity acceptance? ( laughter ). >> stephen: robert klein, it was lovely to see you, thanks for being here. "robert klein still can't stop his leg" is available on the starz app today. go get it! robert klein, everybody! we'll be right back. ,,,,,,,,,,,, late show." join us next week when i'll be talking to jason sudeikis, louis ck, and sigourney weaver. now stick around for james corden. good night! ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from an alternate reality, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james corden! ( cheers and app

>> stephen: not that often. when i the colbert unit is sent to your house. >> stephen: they show up with guns. ( laughter ) >> a lot of people in this country go months or years without interacting with the cops and interact with them casually. we all want to have zero interaction because we don't want to be accused of crimes. and then a subset of men's who are interacting with the cops all the time. if you read stop and frisk in new york, the levels of disruption are such that at some key, fundamental level, their basic liberty is being constrained in a way that should matter to all of us as americans. >> stephen: you have say there is a commonality between that experience and what the founding fathers were complaining about? >> we were talking about revolution was about taxation without representation, what it was really about was the way customs laws were enforced to squeeze the colonies which inaugurated the king, where every boat, house and ship was searched without any due process in. the deck laregulation of ind

that upset me. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> yeah, i got upset. >> stephen: so you're not san angry person. >> stephen: i accept that. i accept that. >> bull butt i think that the-- my favorite was this cop gets me when we had the whole problem with the paparazzi and he said, "mr. baldwin, i know people say you have a tough time controlling your temper getting control of yourself, but i want to say i think you do a very good job. when i think of what you could have done to this guy if we didn't show up a half an hour ago." but i think you make a very good point is i had to learn once again, my wife and my kids, not to make certain mistakes because it only adds to their problems, you know what i mean? the camera guys come down and i just ignore them. but they used to bother me. >> stephen: you're the eldest of six, right? >> i have an older sister. i'm the oldest son. >> stephen: two girls, four boys. >> right. q. big irish catholic family?>>. >> stephen: did you ever think about being a priest? >> i did. in my family i was told the oldest son of an oldest son in an irish catholic family is

thank god you're here, i never could have remembered his name. >> stephen: i have children! k the job, right? ( laughter ) how could-- how old are your children? what's the range? >> my eldest is 21, my youngest is 6. >> stephen: how did you possibly avoid disney? how did you escape from the black hole that is be our guest? >> i have never seen it, the original. >> stephen: it's very good. >> is it good? ( audience reacts ) it's not because i didn't want to. i don't know, it wasn't one that they watched i guess. >> stephen: has it not been translated into scottish? >> no. no. ( laughter ) but it should be. >> stephen: yeah. >> so, i don't know, it was quite handy in a way because when you're going to play a part that's so well known, it's quite good if you don't know it so it can be yours. >> stephen: oh yeah, sure. >> i didn't try to sound like the guy who did it in the cartoon in the '90s. >> stephen: well, there is a little controversy in this film. i think-- >> there is a lot of gay sex in it. ( laughter ) ( cheering ) >> stephen: well that's just it, lefou-- >> there is

i mean i'm not crazy about profanity every other word. >> stephen: sure. >> you know what i mean? tly when it's the right word. >> stephen: economically. >> how are you-- how did south carolina produce both you and strom thurmond? that's what i don't understand. >> stephen: i have no (bleep) idea. ( laughter ) ( applause ) was that appropriate? was that appropriate? was that appropriate? >> where's continuity acceptance? ( laughter ). >> stephen: robert klein, it was lovely to see you, thanks for being here. "robert klein still can't stop his leg" is available on the starz app today. go g i'm lumy bargain detergent shifcouldn't keep up.ter. so, i switched to tide pods. they're super concentrated, so i get a better clean. number one trusted. number one awarded. it's got to be tide it's league night!? 'saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico! goin' up the country. bowl without me. frank.' i'm going to get nachos. snack bar's closed. gah! ah, ah ah. ♪ ♪ i'm goin' up the country, baby don't you wanna go? ♪ ♪ i'm goin' up the country, baby don't you wanna go? ♪ geico motorcycle,

( cheers and applause )i> >> jon: we did it. we made it. >> stephennot have that in the office pool. we really surprised me in a lot of ways. america has never been better in my opinion. "la la land" and "moonlight" won best picture! that's twice the best picture in one year. bill o'reilly got fired and now has to. ( cheers and applause ) he's out there in the world. he has to sexually harass people freelance. it's not easy. and it's not just famous people. in trump's first 100 days, every american has done amazing things. there are so many marches now, we are going to rebrand the st. patrick's day parade as the march against sobriety. #wherearemypants. point is, a lot has been done in the first 100 days of trump's one thing we've all been getting used to in the first 100 days is quotes coming out of this white house. no one wants their name in print, and if your name was here's a leak: in a roundup of trump's first 100 days, an anonymous white house official told politico, "i kind of pooh-poohed the experience stuff when i first got here, but this (b