would you welcome, jerry seinfeld? jerry? [ applause ] [ music ] >> thank you, thank you. well, i'll tell you somethin' about television. it's gettin' scary. i was-- i mean, it's gettin' scary. i was watching "that's incredible." they had a guy on who caught a bullet between his teeth. i'm not making this up. anybody see this guy? [ applause ] the guy catches-- this is his act.

back, everyone, a standup for heroes, last night in madison square garden were comedy megastars, jerry seinfeld and bruce springsteen stopped by to perform and auction off one of his famous electric guitars which went for a mear $280,000. overall the show raised $33 million to support more than 2.5 million veterans. again, another historic night. >> nice to be chartable and giving. >> there are grinches. the season of giving is the season of stealing. shoplifting during the holidays is responsible for 37% of retailers annual shrink loss. people rationalize stealing because they're spending more. so one of the items tempting to people the most? well, electronic accessory, cell phone cases, that's most popular. others on the list, alcohol, leather, winter clothing and children's toys and gourmet chocolate is one thing. >> i'm not going to support or do anything to come across supporting stealing, but sometimes i understand why shoppers will want tote alcohol. >> if you're going to get some red wine, might as well get gourmet chocolate. >>> this is a mission that has baffled people for a year. the

back, everyone, a standup for heroes, last night in madison square garden were comedy megastars, jerry seinfeld and bruce springsteen stopped by to perform and auction off one which went for a mear $280,000. overall the show raised $33 million to support more than 2.5 million veterans. again, another historic night. >> you know in that story, that i have the crit mass tree, that radio city is unbelievable. you twot the holidays coming up. it turns out the season of giving is also the season of stealing. according to retail forecast, shoplifting during the holidays retailers annual shrink loss. people rationalize stealing because they're spending more. so one of the items tempting to people the most? well, electronic accessory, cell phone cases, that's most popular. others on the list, alcohol, leather, winter clothing and children's toys and gourmet chocolate is one thing. >> i can understand the alcohol, especially around the holiday seasons. >>> he decade, the disappearance of amelia ehrhardt. they say she may have spent her final days as a cast away in the pacific on a modern island. using t

his name is jerry seinfeld. he's going to do very well. >> i wrote all that material. [ laughter ] >> betty white will join us in just a moment. [ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you, tom, and of course we all know. betty, of course, along with helping us out tonight will be appearing on bob hope's next special which airs on november 22nd. she'll be on an upcoming segment of love sydney, and it's always a pleasure to have her here. would you welcome, please, ms. betty white? [ applause ] [ music ] >> oh. >> i thank you for going through this madness with us. >> oh, i-- that's always such fun. >> it's like the early days to put a sketch together, and you get up, and you go. >> you do, and all of a sudden i got up there, and i-- you saw that glazed look. you know, and i dropped the line because just as i went to inhale. i had stashed the tape down in there, and unlike your friend that goes trick or treating. i felt something slip, and i had visions of it popping out, and then my mind went blank. >> it makes no diffe

betty white is here. [ applause ] we have comedian jerry seinfeld is on the show tonight. [ applause ] the mighty carson art players. [ applause ] and later on-- i don't think you mentioned this. francis the mule, and ed the talking horse will be out here, and say that thanks to doris day and then. [ laughter ] just-- just threw that in for us, and i should have thrown it out for us. thank you for coming, and we'll be right back. [ applause ] [ music ] [ music ] the reason doc is not here tonight-- he came by a little earlier. he had to go to the dentist the other day. i don't w going to the dentist is no fun, and he had a root canal for it, and he came back. he looked like a squirrel storing up nuts for the summer. [ laughter ] he tried to come in last night, so tom is filling in. if you just joined us we have betty white, jeff sideman. the mighty carson art players, and this man who is very funny. comedian and actor. just finished a movie called "the best little whore house in texas". you see. now, years ago you couldn't have said that. >> no. >> you'd have to say the best little h

just can tear into your dad's old polo shirts and jean shorts and get some puffy white jerry seinfeld shoes and should ? >> carson: that was jaraed hess. "masterminds" is in theaters september 30th. and we'll be right back with more music from teragram ballroom. ? >> carson: to keep up to date with all the very latest celebrity news videos and pictures be sure to check out ? ? ? ve been on i'm bushed! my feel alyea me too. ride the gel wave of comfort with dr. scholls massaging gel insoles. they're proven to give you comfort. which helps you feel more energized ...all day long. i want what he has. you could spend days weeding through financial documents to refinance your home. or, you could push that button. skip the paperwork and get a mortgage solution in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. (whisper) rocket doesn't need to be a thing. there's a smart way to stay fresh. hanes with freshiq advanced odor-protection technology. bonus packs available now. inside the rack houses of jim beam thousands of barrels lay silent aging, building

>> remember that jerry seinfeld episode. >> man hands. >> no we've never dated but mike -- mike says i have rough hands. >> well, everybody has recover hands than me. i have the softest hands in america. >> you do. they're like baby hands. >> yours are soft. >> karen doesn't sound like she believes you. >> i haven't touched him that way. >> i had to think about that. >> i was with a woman for quite awhile and she had really rough hands like sandpaper almost. but i don't think people can prevent it. >> i think -- 'cause my mother had extremely soft hands and every tumshie sees me she's like a girl put on some lotion. i didn't get her hands i guess. people are weighing in. people say the three date rule is the way to go. that's from andre. >> you know i've heard that too. steve harvey says even if you didn't have a good time on the first and seconds date give a guy another shot. >> really. >> yeah, i never understood that. >> you don't need three dates. three date rule the woman's book is you don't -- unless it's been more than three dates certainly. >> you don't what. >> you don't u.

his name is jerry seinfeld. he's going to do very well. >> i wrote all that material. [ laughter ] >> betty white will join us in just a moment. [ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you, tom, and of course we all know. betty, of course, along with helping us out tonight will be appearing on bob hope's next special which airs on november 22nd. she'll be on an upcoming segment of love sydney, and it's always a pleasure to have her here. would you welcome, please, ms. betty white? [ applause ] [ music ] >> oh. >> i thank you for going through this madness with us. >> oh, i-- that's always such fun. >> it's like the early days to put a sketch together, and you get up, and you go. >> you do, and all of a sudden i got up there, and i-- you saw that glazed look. you know, and i dropped the line because just as i went to inhale. i had stashed the tape down in there, and unlike your friend that goes trick or treating. i felt something slip, and i had visions of it popping out, and then my mind went blank. >> it makes no diffe

you heard of jerry seinfeld, and comedians, today, they are eating cookies. milwaukee's very own john. how are you doing? >> i'm thrilled to be here. >> this cookie on the cover here. that's your cookie. >> my gel he sandwich -- jelly sandwich cookie. it was developed for an event we did on mp tv, but i made it a half of a dozen times. >> is this your cookie or mom's cookie? >> well, if you ever heard me talk about my mom. she boiled everything. she had terrible cooking. so we had sugar cookies growing of a snowball or candy cane. so it was a sugar cookie. but it is a better developed sugar cookie. >> what is the jelly inside of there? >> on the cover is a raspberry jam. so it is a double sugar cookie filled with jam and then? -- sugar on top. it is sweet, it is -- it has a little punch to the jam. it is the best. >> i cannot wait to >> it is on the cover. you made the cover. >> my mom is like, the best thing you have ever done. >> from around the corner in all of the shows you have done. now you made, it john. >> it is huge. >> it is huge. you can get it her

. >> i saw you as jerry seinfeld. what is wrong with you people! sorry, feel free. it is free. >> if you saw me as seinfeld and bryant was doing that, you must have seen kathie lee as regis. >> when she was doing regis and regis was gelman, it was like 20 minutes long live television. and she was so good. ready for this, and they kept cutting to regis. i think he fell asleep twice during the thing. i've got a line every nine minutes. ky get a cookie or something? hello, everybody. they were very game. >> last time you were here you regaled us with your microimpression. >> i like these quick-hit impressions. this is bernie sanders as a cross walk guard. don't proceed. don't proceed. the system is rigged. don't proceed. don't oc let's see. those are three i thought you'd like. here's george bush sr. afraid to go off the high dive. >> where does that come up? >> it just fits. here it is. camera, you all right? here. george bush sr. afraid to go off the high dive. what time is it? okay, here we go. all right. gotta go. here we are. looking down. looking down. it's so wr

standup show, "the new york story" to your personal screen in an all-new special directed by jerry seinfelde to you. >> thank you, guys. look at this, high-tech and look what i found. secret document over there. some guy doing it by hand. >> you grabbed somebody's trading sheet? >> i don't understand it, but pretty cool. >> well -- >> rounds of ticker tape here. what is your new york story? >> my new york story? i didn't like when i came in here, and they're like, oh, colin. yeah, come down. i go, when is the closing bell. eight minutes. oh, i get i'll be knocking on the thing. i'm standing down here applauding like every other -- there were five australian girls. >> hey, you don't support small business saturday? come on. make america great again. you've got to get out there, spend the money -- >> that's not the point. >> tell us about netflix, colin. what is it like dealing with them? how can they shell out all of this money, tens of millions here -- how much are they giving to -- not chris rock. >> chappelle? >> talk a little bit about what that process is like working on that. >> talkin

i saw you as jerry seinfeld. >> what is wrong with you pe >> if you saw me as "seinfeld" and bryant was doing that you must have seen kathie lee dressed up as regis. she was doing regis and regis with gelman, like 20 minute long live television. she was so good. you ready for this? i have plenty over here. they kept cutting to regis, i think he fell asleep twice. i've got a line every nine minutes. when is this going to be over? this. pass me a cookie, i'm 91. hello, vermont. -- hello, every one. >> and you did other impressions. >> i did this bernie sanders as a crosswalk guard. don't proceed. don't proceed, the system is rigged. don't proceed. let's see. here's george bush sr. afraid to go off the high dive. >> let me stop you. where does that come up? >> it just fits. here he is. camera, you all right? george bush sr. afraid to go off the high dive. what time is it? okay, here we go. all right. got to go, here we are. looking down, looking down. not going to do it. microimpression, this goes for the boomers, this goes way back, my very first one, katharine hepburn trying to start her

now we have a chicken who has no name, we will name it little jerry from seinfeld. >> little jerry, thecken. the justin is here, he has his chicken, who is now named jerry and your daughter's name is lorrainea. can you put some chicken feed on each persons nose, can you company that. >> yes. >> what kind of feed is that. >> just a hatch and layering feed. >> a little feed on her nose and feed on donald trump's's nose. >> it is time to pick the name, pick the next president of the you had. >> right over here, jerry. >> chicken, don't choke like the lizard did. never good. >> there is a lot going on in the studio. >> does this chicken like you, lorrainea. >> it follows you around the barn. >> maybe lorraine should be moving. >> maybe if he saw the list air and thinking i don't to have move here. >> hanging out with the list air influenced the chicken. >> he is trying. >> hey, listen colonel sanders called and if you do not move. >> yes. >> you will be in the 12 piece box. >> is the studio cold. >> does it have cold feed. >> no chickens live outside. >> okay. >> can we put the chicken in t

. >> it is a seinfeld episode where women kissed jerry every single time she saw him. i don't need that. >> you you don't want to be rude. >> it is nice. >> i don't want to be rude. i don't want people putting their mouth on my lips. >> and now we have it, now people will be seeing you. >> oh, no. >> please do. >> awkward moments. >> i remember my aunt jane, older woman, big red lips. she was a lip kisser. >> yes. >> i think that is awkward when you are a child, and they would always kiss you on your lips. it is so weird. >> i remember one of my uncles, i have two, he was dating a woman. she was blessed. and based on my height she was call. when she would hug me she with put me right in between. it used to grab me nuts. so my cousins because i hated it, he would encourage her to do it. >> it is horrible. >> where is she today. >> they are no longer together. >> no. >> they where the knot official. >> by the way people are weighing in. >> linda says in way, it is not okay. oh, to he didn't. we're the not having that. and then, this one says, well, big head, notice big s

. >> seinfeld where jerry has shaving his chest hair, and kramer thought it would grow back thicker.h i think it probably is, so i go with false. >> i go with alex, false. >> yes, it is false, size and shape of our hair follow cams determines the thickness and texture of our hair. while that stubble may actually appear little bit thicker, shaving it frequently does not actually make your beard thicker. i want to advise people to head to my facebook. com/save my steve. you can take the rest of this quiz for yourself. also find out how to donate toward the cause for this month. back to you guys. >> steve, have people been saying that you look -- that you're sexier with the little bit of stubble here. >> you tell me mike? what's your 2 cents here? >> i got to tell you. you're sexier. ya. >> right answer. >> don't youy? >> right answer my friend. >> looks more distinguished. >> and he also looks like -- >> i dig it. >> maybe little roughneck. >> got that edge. >> little bit after edge. >> limb rough trade with the beard. >> doesn't it particular snell. >> rough trade. >> no. >> not at al

would you welcome, jerry seinfeld? jerry? [ applause ] [ music ] >> thank you, thank you. well, i'll tell you somethin' about television. it's gettin' scary. i was-- i mean, it's gettin' scary. i was watching "that's incredible." they had a guy on who caught a bullet between his teeth. i'm not making this up. anybody see this guy? [ applause ] the guy catches-- this is his act. how do you learn to do this? [ laughter ] do they toss it to you a few times? [ laughter ] what's-- throw it at the guy? what's the warm-up? put it in a gun-- "okay, bill, "this one's gonna be coming "a little bit faster, now." [ laughter ] you know what i really feel badly about? that i-i can't remember this guy's name. he caught a bullet between his teeth. you know, i saw him do it. i forgot his name. now, if he knew that i forgot his name after watching him do that, wouldn't he feel like, "do i have to do..." [ laughter ] "to really impress this guy? "catch a cannonball in the eye?" [ laughter ] i'll tell ya this: if you're a burglar, this is definitely a house you don't want to break into, you k