>> jimmy: mach 8. >> mach 8. >> jimmy: it's an eight-blade razor.test. up top. >> up top. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you know what? maybe that holds up pretty well, actually. >> now that i've seen it again, i can tell your arms were fake. >> jimmy: my arms? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: i thought it was pretty good. anyways, thank you for coming back. i appreciate it. >> your arms look fake. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: go see "the other guys" next friday! will ferrell, everybody! stick around. we'll be right back with tim dekay! there he is in the bud light lime green room. ♪ boss: our breakout session is gonna be great. got the gecko t-shirt... "4 million drivers switched!" gecko water bottle... notebook... chamois... gecko: sir, i feel a little bit uncomfortable with all... you know... with all this. i mean, it's not about me. should be about how geico's the third-largest car insurance company in the nation. things like that. boss: oh, of course! we're not gonna get carried away. gecko: uh...yeah... all right as long

>> jimmy: mach 8. >> mach 8. >> jimmy: it's an eight-blade razor.'re the greatest. up top. >> up top. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you know what? maybe that holds up pretty well, actually. >> now that i've seen it again, i can tell your arms were fake. >> jimmy: my arms? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: i thought it was pretty good. anyways, thank you for coming back. i appreciate it. >> your arms look fake. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: go see "the other guys" next friday! will ferrell, everybody! stick around. we'll be right back with tim dekay! there he is in the bud light lime green room. ♪ listen up, people, volkswagen is at it again with their autobahn for all event. it ends soon. they got great prices. cars built for the autobahn. people are gonna be driving crazy in the jetta... ...the routan, and the cc. that cc is gorgeous. that jetta is awesome. my wife loves her new routan. and they all come with that carefree maintenance. scheduled maintenance included. we're not shopping for cars here, people. c'mon! well, i am n

>> jimmy: ready? >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: go! >> go. >> jimmy: whoa, what do i do now?- oh, ah! >> jimmy: oh, i don't touch it? >> i don't think you don't touch it. you let it stay there. >> jimmy: okay. so, you let it roll around? >> yeah. oh, oh! oh, yeah! oh! [ laughter ] whoa! oh! >> jimmy: one can down! >> oh! >> jimmy: come on. [ laughter ] >> oh! ♪ >> jimmy: that's one. that's one. that's one. here we go. >> i'm mesmerized. nice shot. ooh. trying to go off the beer can -- ooh! ah! >> jimmy: oh, you left me open there. i could have had that. >> oh! ah! >> jimmy: ah, i'm caught on something! ow, someone's is pulling at me! oh, ow! oh, my god. oh! >> it's a shooting gallery! >> jimmy: i know. i'm going crazy! >> oh! nice block! [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] >> oh! ♪ >> jimmy: here we go. all right, here we go. >> ready? >> jimmy: yep. >> oh. it's like sudden death overtime. >> jimmy: spilled the beer. >> i know, it stinks like -- it smells like a real hockey rink. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm bringing the sweat, too. what is going on? >> gooooaal! ♪ [ cheers and

>> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: you're fast. >> jimmy: i will click enter here. here we go.you have to slide around so it forms a picture? this is like that, but each tile is one of mike "the situation"'s abs. let me try to solve these here. [ bell rings ] yeah, i did it. hey, it's paul riser's ab! there you go. cool -- [ explosion ] ♪ well, those are the new iphone apps. we'll be right back, everybody with billy crudup! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] what is performance? 0 to 60? or 60 to 0? [ tires screech ] the quarter mile, or a quarter century? is performance about the joy of driving? or the importance... of surviving. to us, performance is not about doing one thing well. it is about doing everything well. because in the end... everything matters. the best or nothing. that is what drives us. see your authorized mercedes-bendealer for exceptional offers on the c-class. you need listerine® whitening vibrant white™ rinse. the mouthwash that gets teeth four times whiter than the leading toothpaste. and kills bad breath germs. listerine® whitening vibrant white

jimmy: really?t order of business. it's only open for six weeks, which is weird to me. >> jimmy: i invested in a restaurant, and it went out of business. >> it's terrible, right? it's a terrible investment. >> jimmy: a really bad investment. and then, worse, when i bought a horse. a piece of a horse. [ laughter ] the front half. no, no, but seriously, i bought i a racehorse. >> that's the worst. >> jimmy: m.c. hammer will tell you. everyone will tell you don't buy a horse. [ laughter ] so, wait, here's the deal. this guy is my -- "dude, i know you like horseracing. do you want to buy a horse?" i go, "absolutely, sure." i invest money. i call my business manager, he goes, "this is awful." [ laughter ] "don't do it." i go "come on, man." so i buy a piece of this horse, and i go, "i can't wait to name it, like 'sea warrior' or something like that." [ laughter ] yeah, the guy goes, "oh, you can't name horses. they're named by the sire." and i go, "well, what's the name of our horse?" he goes, "poco buen

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, sylvester stallone inducts me into the expendables. palin family favorite levi johnston is here. we have music from buckcherry, "unnecessary censorship" and we're giving disgruntled american workers a chance to be like the world's most famous flight attendant. who do we have here? what is your name? what is your name? well, you get the idea. it's going to be great. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two it's going to be great. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. my team is going to come busting through that door. [ door opens ] ♪ here we go. right now! [ guys ] go! go! go! go! johnson, secure the pizza puffs in the kitchen. burke! i want a recon team on that brunette in the corner. and i'll commandeer the bud light. [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just right taste of bud light. here we go. hey, you guys got any ice? now it integrates your work e-mail, so you can be hooked up to everything you need to do. now it does 1 ghz speed on a more

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about, yeah. welcome to the show. friday night crowd! i love it. i love you guys. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." [ cheers and applause ] hey, before we start, i just wanted to say happy 40th birthday to writer/director m. knight shyamalan. [ cheers and applause ] i heard people had a great time at his party until the end, when they went home disappointed and confused. [ laughter ] let's get right to the news here, you guys. michelle obama is being criticized for taking up 60 rooms for her entourage at a 5-star hotel in spain this week. [ audience ohs ] 60 rooms. 60 rooms for her entourage. well, that explains her secret service code name, kanye. [ laughter ] hey, listen to this. motorola is partnering with verizon to create a tablet that is lighter and thinner than the ipad. they're calling it the iphone. [

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. i'm jimmy.nks for watching. thanks for being in attendance. i want to wish happy birthday to our president, barack obama. republicans tried to block his birthday in the senate today, but they didn't have enough votes and so it went through, and -- president was able to turn 49 today, right on schedule. obama spent his birthday at home in chicago while michelle and sasha were in spain and malia is away at summer camp. oprah couldn't have come up with a better scenario if she planned it herself. rush limbaugh had an interesting take on the birthday. he said, they tell us august 4th is his birthday but we haven't seen any proof of that. and i know that sounds crazy -- it sounds about as crazy as trying to get the child proof cap off a bottle of oxycontin. but what if -- what if rush limb b limbaugh is right? what if today wasn't the president's birthday? that would mean his birthday is some other day. for all we know, it could be in october. it would change everything, right? i mean, really. a new

>> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right.thing, the new julia roberts movie "eat, pray, love" opens friday. it's based on the best-selling book that i will never, ever read. right? anyway, it's getting a lot of attention. "eat, pray, love" is expected to be a big hit. but there's controversy because it happened to have the same title as another movie not starring julia roberts that also comes out on friday. >> from the makers of "my big fat mexican security guard" comes the amazing true story of a man who loved to eat -- >> yum. >> pray. >> please, let there be another burrito. wow! >> and love. >> i would love one more burrito. where's my gawk gawk mow lee? >> eat, pray, love. coming soon. >> okay. i'm full now. >> jimmy: all right, well, we have a good show tonight. chris harrison is here from "the bachelor pad." we have music from luke bryan. and we'll be right back with jada pinkett smith, so stick around. you know, i just got this new chase checking account. really? yea, check this out. there's no deposit slips or envelo

poker face. >> jimmy: three words. >> heart. >> jimmy: first word. >> love, heart. >> time. >> jimmy:eart of gold." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we have a winner! great job, you guys. >> amazing, amazing. >> jimmy: michael cera, "scott pilgrim vs. the world," in theaters friday. landon donovan joins us next. ♪ being a computer programmer, i like control. i had a bed that hurt my back. i needed a new bed, but it'd cost more money than i had saved up at that time. that's when i discovered blueprint. blueprint helped me make a plan. in the past, i would just spend money and hope to be able to pay it off later, but with blueprint, i was able to spend money and know that i could pay it off later. it's just amazing. with blueprint, on his chase freedom card, stephen designed a plan to save money on interest. does your credit card have blueprint? [ sizzling ] we'll have that. [ male announcer ] with applebee's new sizzling entrees fresh flavor never sounded so good. try the spicy asian shrimp, steak and cheese, or chicken with queso blanco starting at $8.99! only at applebee's. now op

>> jimmy: no.ll. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "ooh, ow, ooh, ah!" >> a melancholy cello. >> jimmy: it really was. how are you, buddy? >> real good. >> jimmy: you're not on your iphone or ipad right now? >> i've got it loaded. >> jimmy: you do? >> you want to play? >> jimmy: no, i don't want to play. but you kept playing -- backstage, he's playing words with friends. >> yes. >> jimmy: or scrabble, basically. >> do you want a beat down, 'cause i will get your user name and i will -- i've got nine games going. let's make it ten. >> jimmy: what is it? explain to me what this is. >> words with friends is a scrabble-type game. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> they love it. [ cheers and applause ] you can -- you can tell. >> jimmy: i can just tell by the -- >> it is -- it keeps me smart. i didn't do any college time, and so i go ahead and i make up words and see if the computer allows it. and if it does, i seem smart. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the thing about these games, 'cause i do -- i i play scrabble on fa

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. join me tonight with guests ice cube, melissa rycroft and music from saving abel. and whoopi goldberg. white house party crasher michaele salahi claims she hit her on the set. did she? >> you've been abusing me. >> excuse me. could you get back to the white house, please? >> jimmy: you know what, she didn't, but she did gently touch the crap out of her. we'll have the full story, and some stuff we made up, tonight. "jimmy kimmel live" -- back in some stuff we made up, tonight. "jimmy kimmel live" -- back in two minutes. dorry about that. i switched to sprint's $69.99 plan, so i wasn't charged extra. [ buzzes ] okay, i just got your breakup e-mail. e-mails are unlimited, too. and look -- i just changed my facebook status to "single." but internet's also unlimited. [ cellphone buzzing ] deaf, hard-of-hearing and people with speech disabilities, access www.sprintrelay.com. yeah. [ male announcer ] why just talk with at&t and verizon? sprint has unlimited text, web, and calling to any mob

>> jimmy: the coach told you to kick turkey into the audience? >> no, jimmy. that time i called an audible. >> dicky: "madden nfl '11" -- simpler, quicker, deeper than ever before. in stores everywhere now! >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with criss angel, music from ozzy osbourne and hayden christensen. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] degree men responds to increases in adrenaline. from the new adrenaline series, comes degree mendventure. discover visine® " tired eye relief with hydroblend™, only from visine®. just one drop .instantly soothes and revives tired, overworked eyes. and comforts them fo up to ten hours. visine® tired eye relief. try now nd save $3. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- from "takers", hayden christensen. illusionist criss angel. and music from ozzy osbourne. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and, now, for your information, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. and, well, most nights, really. who in our studio au

she had the whole box, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh, my god, okay. >> she's 90, bottoms up. [ laughter ] >> jimmywe'll talk about that more. we have more time with you. you're hanging out for a little bit more, aren't you? >> i would love to. i would love to. >> jimmy: back more with kathy griffin after the break. we'll find out about this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we're never gonna catch anything. patience, son. ah! [ female announcer ] sometimes, you can get so much out of so little. woohoo! [ female announcer ] especially when it comes to charmin ultra soft. its ultra soft design is soft and absorbent. it has so much absorbency, you can use 7 sheets versus 28 of the leading value brand. so your family can get more out of less. mom's never gonna believe this one. [ female announcer ] charmin ultra soft. enjoy the go. what do you call a cheese that isn't yours? i don't know. nacho cheese! [ laughs ] see, cuz' it's not your cheese but i said "nacho". [ clears throat ] la, la, la, la, la, can't hear you... la, la, la, la, can't hear you... okay... la, la, la, la, can't hear you!! ...that's when i

>> jimmy: no. >> they're huge. >> jimmy: it would scare me. >> it was kind of scary. >> jimmy: yeah,ell. >> jimmy: like vultures, probably. >> but they just smell like they have a weird bird smell. but they eat -- this one was eating beef heart. >> jimmy: i know. i mean, come on. can't you raise it eating organic grass something? >> not vultures. they don't like that. vegan vultures. you know, in the middle of a take, one time, the vulture farted. [ laughter ] right in the middle of it. and it was loud and long. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> i swear. >> jimmy: what? >> and everyone stopped and we started to kind of like laugh and try not to laugh. but it's funny. it's funny enough that a take is ruined by a fart. but then like, to not laugh and then realizing it was a vulture. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. that is the oddest thing i've ever heard in my life. >> it was funny on two different levels. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we actually do have a clip of you and a vulture. >> ah. >> jimmy: "dinner for schmucks." >> when you said this was a dinner for extraordinary people, i had no

. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm old. >> jimmy: no.gonna change, though. >> jimmy: he kind of bummed you out? >> he's like, "yeah, same dating rules, same curfew." i'm like, "all right." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, same curfew, yeah. now, i understand you have a treat that you want me to try, here. >> yes. >> jimmy: you brought me something. now, it's called "texas popcorn." >> this is my version of "texas popcorn," yes. >> jimmy: okay, now what -- do you have -- a bag of popcorn -- >> okay. >> jimmy: all right, and i have a bowl. >> okay. >> jimmy: i have a tray with hot sauce -- what is this, here? >> pickle juice. >> jimmy: pickle juice. >> and tabasco. >> jimmy: all right, very, very good. salt, pickle juice, tabasco sauce. all right, so what -- >> now, the pickle juice is optional, so you don't have to use it. but basically, you get tabasco sauce. >> jimmy: okay. >> and it depends on if you like it hot, and my family does. so then, you put a lot in the bag. >> jimmy: okey-doke. >> you just tell me when to stop and i'll -- >> jimm

>> jimmy: oh, yeah? >> yeah! >> jimmy: oh, yeah?ll right, enough! okay! enough! all right, enough! i don't have to take this. okay, i don't have to take this. ♪ these guys aren't gonna take it. none of us are going to take it! [ light laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ we're not going to take it no, we ain't going to take it ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ ♪ we got the right to choose and ♪ ♪ there ain't no way we'll lose it this is our life this is our song ♪ ♪ we'll fight the powers that be just don't pick our destiny ♪ ♪ 'cause you don't know us you don't belong we're not gonna take it ♪ ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore ♪ ♪ oh, you're so condescending your gall is never ending ♪ ♪ we don't want nothin' not a thing from you your life is trite and jaded ♪ ♪ boring and confiscated if that's your best your best won't do ♪ ♪ ohh, ohh we're right yeah ♪ ♪ we're free yeah we'll fight yeah ♪ ♪ you'll see yeah we're not gonna take it ♪ ♪ no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take i

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel.the show tonight, christina applegate is with us and with child. comedian shane mauss is here. and hugh hefner will join us. there's a new documentary about his life coming out. there's hugh backstage. i'm concerned about him, because he's down to one girlfriend. he used to have, like, ten or something. and then the oil spill happened. damn you, bp. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes. you'll never go back to your old duster. [ funny voice ] hey, duster! wanna attract dust like swiffer 360 duster? then try the magnet hat! ♪ whoa! wow! [ female announcer ] sorry, duster, but swiffer 360 dusters attract dust with over 500,000 fibers and lock it away to clean better than a feather duster. swiffer's built smarter to clean better. ♪ she blinded me with science to finish what you started today. for the aches and sleeplessness in between, there's new motrin pm. no other medicine, not even advil pm, is more effective for pain and sleeplessness. new motrin pm. with a refreshing splash of 10

>> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: you're right about that, guy, man. >> steve: bitch. >> jimmy: steve: no, don't be. because as we speak, i'm am working on the most kick-ass campaign poster you have ever seen. >> jimmy: are you serious? >> steve: yes. >> jimmy: dude, i knew i could count on you. you are the best. >> steve: trust me, you are gonna love these posters. >> jimmy: can i see them? >> yeah, they're right here, check 'em out. boom. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: dude, you misspelled my name. you spelled my name wrong. >> steve: where? no i didn't. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: j-i-m-m-y. >> jimmy: no, no, fallon. two ls. this says jimmy falon. fa -- falon. >> steve: are you sure? >> jimmy: falon. jimmy fa-lon. [ laughter ] >> steve: are you -- are you sure? >> jimmy: jimmy falon for fire warden, yeah. dude, how many did you make? >> steve: a lot. look, nobody's going to notice. ♪ ♪ [ whistle blowing ] >> no, no, no. no, no, no. [ whistle blows ] >> go! all right, all right. [ whistle blows ] stop! drop! roll! [ whistle blows ] roll! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're -- you're running f

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? hello! that's what i'm talking about. what a great crowd. already, you can tell. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon, everybody. happy monday. let's get right to the news. while the whole oil mess has been going on, president obama spent the weekend playing golf with vice president biden. yeah, biden's handicap is 16 and obama's handicap is biden. [ laughter ] president obama also went to the white sox/nationals game this weekend and actually sang "take me out to the ball game." yeah. [ scattered applause ] however, critics were quit to point out that while his singing sounded good, it seemed like he really didn't say anything. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] and while obama was playing golf, bp ceo tony hayward actually spent his weekend as a ritzy yacht race, where he watched -- [ audience boos ] >>

>> all of them ch. >> jimmy: name one. >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no.he new season of "survivor," they are doing young versus old. young people versus old people, which is kind of a weird premise for "survivor." aren't old people playing survivor all the time? cbs released a pro mow for the new season. >> this year, for "survivor," we are going old versus young. >> i could be thunder and i can be lightning. >> you better look out for this. if you think i'm old, you're wrong, honey. >> not just the pretty girl next door. >> i found a dead monkey and i named him mr. bananas. >> jimmy: that's -- it's -- [ applause ] no. no. bristol palin's on again off again off again on again fiance levi johnston is working on his own reality show called "loving levi, the run to the mayor's office." if he wins, he will become the second least qualified politician in alaskan history. he really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by sarah palin, isn't he? he's serious about the job. he has his campaign slogan worked out. it's "i will get you pregnant." and he will. levi

>> jimmy: yeah, there's -- >> oh. >> jimmy: we have many.ou. >> jimmy: i appreciate that. >> i don't need to give you too much advice. i see you're doing super-well online. we're like internet pals. >> jimmy: that's right, yeah, well -- oh, thank you. [ applause ] thank you very much. your blog is huge. it's gigantic. but a lot of people don't know this. that you started as an actor. >> and not -- i didn't do very well. >> jimmy: wait -- well, how long did you give it a shot? >> i went to nyu, to the tisch school of the arts and i think my claim to 15 seconds of fame back then -- i made my mom happy -- i was on an episode of "the sopranos." >> jimmy: really? >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: you made an episode of -- and for 15 seconds? >> i talked in it, yes. >> jimmy: that's great. we actually have a clip -- >> oh! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- of perez hilton on "the sopranos." here we go. >> you're robbing a benefit concert, you know that? >> i'll [ bleep ] blow your head off. >> most people charged it to their student card. >> hey, what's going on? you?

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice of you. i'm jimmy.nk you for coming. thank you for watching. i knew you would come through for me. thank you. and i want to wish everyone a happy shark week. you know it's shark week on the discovery channel. am i the only one that thinks shark week is getting too commercial? it was about spending time with your family and seeing your family get eaten by sharks, things like that. every week my kids and i put on the shark costumes and we go door to door trick or treating for fish guts, and we have the best time. i don't know why it's in the summer. it makes you scared to go to the beach. shark week should be, like, the week after christmas or something. the fact of the matter is, shark attacks on humans are very rare. you are more likely to be attacked by charlie sheen than you are a shark. right uncle frank? >> that's true. >> jimmy: some how the discovery channel has manged to keep this thing going for 23 years now. and they've done it by mixing things up. there's only so much shark footage you can wat

>> that's good jimmy. >> jimmy: so this is very strong now. like you're very -- but every single time the couple comes here and then something weird happens. and something terrible happens. so that's not going to happen right? >> not going to happen. >> nothing weird, nothing terrible. we have so much faith in our relationship and, you know we just -- every day, we tell each other, you're my priority we're going to put each other first, no matter what every single day. >> jimmy: have you figure out when you're going to get married? >> maybe in the spring we're thinking. >> jimmy: in the spring? very nice. unlike the clintons will you invite the obamas to your wedding? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: i think that would be a very nice -- >> my mom wants like 700 people at the wedding so we got to fill up the list. >> jimmy: that's what i want to see on videotape. the wedding. the planning. the crying. >> that's one thing we've been doing when we're cooped i, i put bridezillas on it's like this program, we watch it all day long. >> i don't watch that. i

jimmy, i want to spit. let me spit. can i spit, jimmy?mmy: morgan, one of our writers. >> i want to give a shout-out to water. water, it's the most important thing ever. you can drink it. can you use it to, like, wash your car. can you put it in little cubes and freeze it and pour it inside your hypnotic, right? yeah. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, this right here --this is like new york tap. new york tap, jimmy. h-2-o slapper. >> jimmy: very, very nice. [ applause ] thanks. >> mind if i do one, jimmy? >> jimmy: this one is from our director, dave, everybody. dave, go ahead. >> hey, i just want to send a shout-out to my lovely wife. on the fourth of july, she made a picnic dinner and found us a quiet romantic spot on the hill where we watched the fireworks in the distance. >> jimmy: sounds so beautiful, dave. that's great. >> and then she shoved two mentos up my butt and i sat in a diet coke, and i made my own fireworks. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, dave. thanks, dave. >> tariq: enough! enough, man. it's my turn.

we can sell "late night" jimmy mugs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right?t vodka, by the way. yeah, it's -- no, yeah. >> i thought you said you didn't use drugs, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: something is good in there. it's pretty good. i have a couple ideas. i have a couple ideas. i have one idea -- i have two ideas. maybe you can shoot them down. one is called "pool stool." yeah. [ light laughter ] we might have to change the name, but what you do is you put -- [ laughter ] they're just stools that are weighted that you put in a pool, in case you want to sit in the pool and hang out. >> oh, inside the pool? >> jimmy: yeah, i want to sit in the water. right? no? >> i think we can make it work. we just need, like, one of them infomercials. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and they see me and you are like in the pool, like. we get some girls. we can do that like -- >> jimmy: "hey, what are you sitting on? nothing?" >> "i'm sitting on a pool stool." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and so can you, for $19.95 a month -- for six months. you can get a pool stool. the other idea. you r

>> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: who is that with you? >> his name is tony. >> jimmy: okay. guillermo and tony are going to run a 40-yard dash. guillermo, you represent all the old football games and tony, you are madden 11, all right? all right? >> okay. >> okay. >> jimmy: let's do this! here we go. >> on your mark. get set -- >> jimmy: and here we go. wow. and they are off to the races. you can see -- [ applause ] tony by a nose. and -- >> who won? >> jimmy: it's to close to call, but tony showed us that madden 11 is quicker than any other game. it definitely leaves the fat behind. sorry, guillermo. >> that's okay. tony is a nice guy. >> jimmy: oh, well. >> dicky: madden nfl 11. simpler, quicker, deeper than ever before. in stores everywhere now. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with carla gugino, music from t.i. and jerry o'connell. first has an 8-megapixel hd camera and can stream live video to the web. first has an hdmi out. ♪ first shares wi-fi with 8 devices at once. first is not stephen furst, who played flounder in animal house. first has a kicksta

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, sylvester stallone inducts me into the expendables. palin family favorite levi johnston is here. we have music from buckcherry, "unnecessary censorship" and we're giving disgruntled employees a chance to be like the world's most famous flight attendant. who do we have here? what is your name? what is your name? well, you get the idea. what is your name? well, you get the idea. it's going to be great.ak mpg. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. and we can say over 700 miles on a single tank and 41 mpg city, and all the words stick because they're true. we speak the most fuel-efficient midsize sedan in america. yes, we speak hybrid, and apparently quite well. fusion is now the 2010 motor trend car of the year. get in... and drive one. [ sizzling ] we'll have that. [ male announcer ] with applebee's new sizzling entrees fresh flavor never sounded so good. try the spicy asian shrimp, steak and cheese, or chicken with queso blanco starting at $8.99! only at appleb

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much, everybody. welcome. welcome to our show. hope you have a great time tonight. how you guys feeling? are you guys feeling good? oh, i can tell. [ cheers and applause ] it is a good new york crowd right there. i love it. let's get right to the news here. today, president obama fired general stanley mcchrystal, saying mcchrystal showed poor judgment in his "rolling stone" interview. yeah. it turns out when it comes to criticizing the white house, the general's policy is "just ask, and i'll tell." [ laughter ] this is kind of cool. on monday, a vintage wall street sign sold for $116,000 in new york. yeah. you can tell it's very old because the words "wall street" are written in english and not chinese. [ laughter ] it's very old. [ applause ] rare. this is a funny story. "harry potter" star daniel radcliffe said that the first ti

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. tonight, from "modern family," sofia vergara is here. gordon ramsay is here to yell at us. we have music from christian scott. and exclusive, never before seen video of the jetblue flight attendant freaking out. >> get off me. you want a blanket. i'm not a bed bath a& beyond. i am not a bed bath & beyond. >> jimmy: he really isn't. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. [ female announcer ] new real fruit smoothies from mccafé are real fruit, as in strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, and bananas, which makes them really delicious. ♪ that's what we're made of. ♪ the craftsman hammerhead goes everyday. driving home nails quickly and easily in the tightest spaces. more innovation, more great values. craftsman. trust. in your hands. fish: see? you're on the bright side already-- green tea with citrus, sunny day. so...if it's cool with you, i'm gonna go for a quick swim. heh. be right back. [grunts] announcer: lipton--drink on the bright side. fish: hey! take off that mask. lose th

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with subway's new fiery footlong subs. i'm looking forward to trying the new turkey jalapeno melt and the bold buffalo chicken. [ applause ] >> careful, jimmy. those subs are so hot they'll burn the wimp right out of you. >> jimmy: hello guillermo. why are you dressed like that? >> don't worry about it! >> his name ain't guillermo anymore. his new name is snake. >> jimmy: your new name is snake? >> yes. i am a snake. and look -- i got a tattoo. >> jimmy: you did? wow. >> it's a snake. >> it's a snake eating a turkey jalapeno melt made at subway. >> and look! it says "eat bold"! >> jimmy: that reese that's great, snake. >> snake only eats bold. now give us those fiery footlongs. >> jimmy: what do you mean? hey, the guillermo, are you robbing me? >> no jimmy. snake is. snake is a very bad man. >> dicky: eat bold with subway fiery footlong subs. so hot they'll burn the wimp right out of you. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with juliette lewis, music from five finger death punch and juliette lewis, music f

>> jimmy: well?ature aside, normal people don't look like that. >> jimmy: yeah well you're probably right. so these people are living in the same house in the same room. >> yeah we put them in bunk beds. >> jimmy: don't the bunk beds because if i was planning this i would say that's going to les lessen the sexual activity because you're in the same room with other people. >> you would think. it's like college. they started putting up sheets around their bunk ebeds like this will trick them. and we also have a fantasy upstairs that they can sneak away to, and it's fully equipped. there are these throw-backs to the bachelor. you get away and think there's the franchise, the rose ceremony, the fantasy suite, the dates. >> jimmy: the fantasy suite, which is really pornography. it's like sin max without the sex part. >> it's entertainment in art. so it's okay. most of what we do on the show is illegal in 49 states but since it's on tv it's like, it's okay. >> jimmy: wouldn't it be something if out of this

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very, very much! welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. let's get right to the news, here. >> woman in audience: i love you, jimmy! >> jimmy: i love you, too. [ laughter ] that's my mom, actually. [ laughter ] she has a very, very high voice. thanks, mom. hey, let's get right to the news, here. let's get serious. serious about some good times. [ laughter ] joe biden's plane -- did you hear about this? air force two knocked over a smaller plane this week as it was preparing for takeoff. nobody was hurt, but they were a bit shaken when biden told them all to suck it, grabbed two beers and escaped down the emergency chute. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "i'm out of here! 28 years! 28 years!" listen to this. a british billionaire is offering $100,000 to anyone willing to strip down naked in front of president obama.

jimmy kimmel!rs and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for being. very nice of you. do we have any bulgarians in the audience tonight? a bulgarian snuck in here tonight. there he is. [ cheers and applause ] that has nothing to do with the light. bulgarians reflect no light. welcome, welcome. hey, you know who else is here tonight, zac efron is here tonight. we're about to be hit by a category 5 zac attack. this is surprising. "the new york post" had a story that said that zac and his "high school musical" castmate corbin blue spent $2,000 this weekend at a trip club in new york. and if that is true, i would like to commend the strippers who even when two of america's most desirable young men walked into a club, managed to maintain their composures to fleece them for $2,000. that's professionalism, is what it is. by the way, if zac had to spent $2,000 to get girls to pay attention to him, where does that leave the rest of us? i mean, that'

jimmy kimmel!ers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm charmed by that, thank you. thank you for being here. thank you for watching. thank you for your generous contributions. i'm jim, as in jim tan laundry. that is me that they're talking about. after six months of breathless anticipation, america returned to the jersey shore, which, like lebron james, has been relocated to miami. and none of the people on it are from new jersey and it is new in miami, so it doesn't make sense, but i guess as long as there's techno music and a quiet place to vomit, the jersey shore can really be anywhere. it's a state of mind, if you will. i noticed today that the show isn't in hd, which is weird. it's in vd, this show. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] but not in hd. this season, they brought angelina back. angelina was on the first season but got kicked out. and then, after she was kicked out, she bad-mouthed the other girls in interviews. so, naturally, mtv brought her back and surprised -- everyone is getting along really well

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. join me tonight with guests ice cube, melissa rycroft, and music from saving abel. and whoopi goldberg? white house party crasher michaele salahi claims she hit her on the set. did she? >> you've been abusing me. >> excuse me. to the white house, please? >> jimmy: you know what, she didn't, but she did gently touch the crap out of her. we'll have the full story, and some stuff we made up, tonight. "jimmy kimmel live" -- back in two minutes. well, how far away is it? okay, we take a train 40 miles to a dude ranch where we pick up a couple of horses that we ride to a nearby river. then we canoe upstream to a helicopter that takes us to the conference. or we could book with hotels.com and stay closer. see, with welcomerewards, no matter where you accumulate 10 nights, you get a free one. huh. smarter. [ male announcer ] accumulate 10 nights and get a night free. welcomerewards from hotels.com. smart. so smart. challenge the need for such heavy measures with olay. new regenerist micro-scu

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel., from "scott pilgrim versus the world," jason schwartzman. we'll have music from joanna newsom. and a young man that caught my eye doing cooking segments like this. >> this is my healthy twist. going to get a great salad on top. if you are going to use a part skim, you really are making great choice. >> these have bah unanimobanana? >> they do. that's exactly right. >> okay. take a bite. i have toppings here. my favorite summer berries. mixed nuts. >> thank you. yum. >> jimmy: yum indeed. his name is reed alexander. he claims to be 15. i don't know about that. we're going to make meatballs and more importantly, find out where he gets his pep. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. healthy beauty is a journey. and it starts with healthy skin. discover aveeno daily lotion. the exclusive oat formula is proven to improve... skin's health in one day, with significant improvement in two weeks. get healthy skin for life, with aveeno daily moisturizing lotion. it can't be done! [ male anno

>> jimmy: yeah. in the club. ♪ party, party i'm gonna party party, party i'm gonna party ♪ ♪ party, party i'm gonna party party, party i'm gonna party ♪ a woman in florida, known as "the beauty bandit," was arrested for getting arrested for getting botox injections from several doctors and leaving without paying. the arrest was easy. the police didn't even have to yell, "freeze!" [ laughter ] "you got the wrong person, i swear." [ laughter ] listen to this. a woman in ohio found out, on facebook, that her husband had another wife. she figured it out after he changed his relationship status to "it's really, really complicated." [ laughter ] a new survey found that wheat bread has outsold white bread for the first time ever. i'm a little upset about it, but i don't want to sound like a white bread supremacist. [ laughter ] some of my best sandwiches are wheat bread. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hey, this is pretty neat. a piano once played by the beatles is expected to sell for more than $200,000 at an au

>> jimmy: jimmy kimmel live back in two minutes with t.i. music from truth and salvage company, ] and sharon osbourne. [ instrumental music ] listen up, people, volkswagen is at it again with their autobahn for all event. it ends soon. they got great prices. cars built for the autobahn. people are gonna be driving crazy in the jetta... ...the routan, and the cc. that cc is gorgeous. that jetta is awesome. my wife loves her new routan. and they all come with that carefree maintenance. scheduled maintenance included. we're not shopping for cars here, people. c'mon! well, i am now. that's kind of exciting. [ male announcer ] right now, get 0% apr on 2010 models, excluding tdi. or get a great price on a certified pre-owned volkswagen. [ male announcer ] what would you do for a klondike neapolitan bar? that's right we sid neapolitan? [ groans ] ♪ what would you do-oo-oo for a klondike bar? ♪ ♪ ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's “jimmy kimmel live!” tonight -- sharon osbourne, t.i. and music from truth and salvage co. with cleto and the cletones. ♪

. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. tonight, from "scott pilgrim versus the world," jason schwartzman. we'll have music from joanna newsom. and a young man that caught my eye doing cooking segments like these. >> we're making a grilled vegetable mozzarella pizza. we're going to get a great salad on top. >> these have bananas? >> they do have bananas. >> hidden inside. >> that's exactly right. >> take a bite, i have toppings here, my favorite summer berries and mixed nuts. >> jimmy: yum indeed. his name is reed alexander. he claims to be 15. i don't know about that. we're going to make meatballs and more importantly, find out where he gets his pep. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. [ instrumental music ] 0 to 60? or 60 to 0? [ tires screech ] the quarter mile, or a quarter century? is performance about the joy of driving? or the importance... of surviving. to us, performance is not about doing one thing well. it is about doing everything well. because in the end... everything matters. the best or nothing. that is

>> jimmy: yeah. >> i could fall. >> jimmy: this time you want to trip?ould trip. >> no, i don't want to trip. i don't think that would be a good idea. >> jimmy: but you could. >> why don't you have steps? don't you have actresses in high heels that have to walk up these things? >> jimmy: why do you care? [ laughter ] you got up here, you're fine. >> i guess i am fine. i guess i would like to see somebody fall. >> jimmy: i can help you up next time. i'm sorry, i thought you came in for a chest bump, so that's what i did. >> hey, man. appreciate the chest bump. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you.

jimmy fallon is here.e's host of the double-award emmy winning "late night with jimmy fallon," hosting the 62nd annual prime time emmy awards this sunday night on nbc. >> not the 62nd annual prime time -- longer than 60 seconds. i don't want people thinking 60 seconds. >> larry: i meant -- >> longer than 60 seconds. people have been asking me about that. longer than a minute. >> larry: i have an emmy i won. >> hey. >> larry: yeah. so i thought it would be appropriate that we display this in your honor. >> that's a beautiful award. you have probably many awards. i got one recently. i think they mail them to you. i haven't got mine fed-exed to me yet. >> larry: how did they ask you to host this? >> it's on nbc this year so i think they run down the nbc list. i was right under "the biggest loser" and then me. they said no. i said, yeah, absolutely. but i did the emmys last year. neil patrick harris did a great job. >> larry: you were a presenter? >> i was a presenter and did a bit a w an audio-tone mike and i

jimmy carter secures the release of a u.s. citizen sentenced to eight years' hard labor. the company' has a notorious electricity network. pains to create the biggest hydropower dam. welcome to bbc news, broadcasting in the u.k. and around the world. chile and television has aired video footage of the 33 miners trapped below ground. it shows them in good spirits. they are expected to spend several more weeks before they can be rescued. we have been looking at the video. >> striking new television videos have just been released of the minors. they show them heavily-bearded, bare chested, singing the national anthem. the only pictures we have seen before this have been grainy images looking into the camera. apparently, there are 45 minutes of these images, most of which have to be released to the media. it is the clearest indication we have so far. >> families are surprised about the good spirits, and we have had a report that answers the questions. >> this will give some confirmation of what they have been saying all along. from what they know, the miners are entered spiri

but first, jimmy kimmel with what's coming up next on. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy: tonight, our guests are melissa rycroft, music from saving abel, and ice cube. the man, not the frozen block of water. "jimmy kimmel live" is next. i have fallen in love with making bird houses. caw caw! [ director ]what is that? that's a horrible crow. here are some things that i'll make as little portals for my bird friends. honestly, i'd love to do this for the rest of myife so i have to take care of myself. [ male announcer ] to kp doing what y love, keep your heart healthy. cheerios can help. the whole grain oats can help lower cholesterol. [ bob ] makes you feel ageless. brrrbb! [ male announcer ] it's simple, love your heart so you can do what you love. what do you love? see how cheerios can help you do it. [ bob ] squak! ♪ [ female announcer ] why choose between delicious or 100 calories? ♪ with yoplait delights, now you can finally have both. ♪ it's the perfect parfait, with two indulgently rich layers of chocolate and raspberry yogurt and only 100 calories. yoplait delights. get rid

jimmy was just the best.he love to sit next to jimmy at meetings, and he was a real guiding force. passing jimmy herman and terry bridges. i hope to see when commissioner brandon passes me. that would be good. he takes second place. i hope i did not leave anybody out. it has been fun. i love it. i loved serving as commissioner. those wonderful people, ernestine white, who probably attended more meetings than any other commissioner, so, ernestine, thank you for all your opinions, and we took it serious. and when tom said earlier that -- we definitely care what he said, but i listened -- no, that is not true. the person on the waterfront that always made the most sense was tom. since he does it from his heart, he does for the right thing, and he will accept any challenge, and, tom, you are the best. i appreciate that. i have to leave now because