>> jimmy: whatever works, man. >> steve: if it works. >> jimmy: yeah.- you may feel a small prick, but it will be over before you know it. [ laughter ] con -- that's my pickup line. >> steve: oh, there we go. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: that never works. >> steve: didn't work. >> jimmy: that didn't work. i got to talk to brent to get this figured out. pro -- it's the most important shot you can get. con -- unless you want to win the tour de france. there you go. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] that's wrong, you guys. [ scattered applause ] pro -- the vaccine contains eggs, mercury and dead viruses. con -- so does a denny's grand slam breakfast. [ laughter ] >> steve: yeah. if it's your birthday, you get half off. >> jimmy: yes, you get half off. [ applause ] >> steve: get moons over my hammy. >> jimmy: moons over my hammy is a great one. pro -- going on webmd to learn more about common flu symptoms. con -- convincing yourself five minutes later you have bubonic plague. [ laughter ] >> steve: got to be. [ applause ] >> jimmy: pro -- flu symptoms in

>> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> okay. >> jimmy: let's go. >> go ahead. >> jimmy: ready?it? >> jimmy: right here, yeah. >> hello, sir. >> how you doing? >> oh. >> jimmy: no, no, no. i don't -- [ laughter ] >> this is -- this is my friend, jimmy. his father's a cop. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> a cop! and he's right near us. >> okay. okay. now, are you the singer? >> yes, sir. >> and -- and could you have your band do it while you do -- your -- your singing the song you sang before i came out? >> yes, sir. >> okay. ♪ >> okay. >> jimmy: no, bill. bill, give him that back. give it -- >> i'm going to translate this for old people. >> jimmy: okay. this is great. >> no, i don't need this. i have a mic. hit it, spinner. ♪ [ singing gibberish ] >> jimmy: oh! bill cosby, everybody! we'll be right back with more bill cosby. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ where is flo? anybody know where flo is? are you flo? yes. is this the thing you gave my husband? well, yeah, yes. the "name your price" tool. you tell us the price you want to pay, and we give you a range of opti

>> jimmy. >> jimmy: dude, always good to see you, my friend. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: look the yousexy as ever with your beard. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: very, very sexy gentleman there. we have a sexy show. a sexy show. you, michael bolton, and mike tyson. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you meet mike? >> i did. i just met mike, yeah. it was -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was fantastic. i've always wanted to meet mike tyson. >> jimmy: yeah. were you scared? >> no. >> jimmy: no, you weren't. >> no, no. he was charming. >> jay: he's very charming. >> i've been a big fan of boxing for many, many years. >> jimmy: yeah. >> many years. did you like -- do you like -- manny -- oh my goodness. >> yeah -- i like lewis. i'm british, right. [ talking over each other ] >> boxing is one of those sports i always think where, you know, where -- actually this is easy for me to say because i'm british and we haven't found ever many good boxers. >> jimmy: no. >> in history we have, but not recently. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but it never felt like you, you know, support your country. you just support the

and -- >> jimmy: that's a beautiful -- that second chord -- >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: a gorgeousmmy: d7? ♪ yeah, that's what -- that's the chord i'm talking about. that's a beautiful chord. >> i'm ready to go. >> jimmy: you just get amped up and get a little crazy. calm down. [ laughter ] >> but this -- this week i don't think you're going to be able to play this because it's a really cheesy '70s tune. i don't want you to have to pay for that. you're spending a lot of money tonight. >> jimmy: you're david duchovny. i don't care. i'm happy you're here. >> i'm playing "year of the cat" by al stewart. >> jimmy: ah, gotcha. ♪ year of the cat ♪ >> yeah. >> jimmy: you cannot beat -- you can't beat the roots. captain kirk and the roots. can't beat them at all. they know every -- they know al stewart's whole catalog. >> that's amazing. >> jimmy: but that's good. you played those two songs. >> well, you know, i learn songs and that's how i teach myself new chords and learn how to play. >> jimmy: so "hotel california," "year of the cat," and do you open and close with those two songs? >> i

jimmy, what happened? >> jimmy: that's "all-star" by smash mouth. >> no, no, no, jimmy.-star" on the radio. but it's an original song. >> jimmy: well, either way, we can't play it on our show without the rights, and you can't play it because it's written by smash mouth. so, do you have something else you can play? >> yeah, of course. of course. okay. of course. [ cheers ] i'm sorry. i'm sorry. >> jimmy: something we can do. something we can use. >> absolutely. you've got a little ditty here goes something like this. here it is. it's called "i got the lonely old broken down motel sadness blues." [ light laughter ] yeah, and that goes a little something like this. ♪ ♪ woke up in a motel put the tv on and then vh-1 was on ♪ ♪ and they were playing a song and it went ♪ ♪ hey, now, you're an all-star get your game on go play ♪ ♪ hey now, you're a rock star get the show on get paid ♪ ♪ all that glitters is gold ♪ >> jimmy: johnny, johnny, johhny! ♪ only shooting stars >> jimmy: johnny. johhny, yeah. >> what is it this time? what is it with you? >> jimmy: you, what? >> what do

but jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy!applause ] ♪ ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sounding great, roots. thank you. welcome, everybody! i love you! hey, welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." what a great crowd. welcome, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be a lot of fun tonight. we're gonna have a good time. what's up, brother? here's what people are talking about, you guys. the white house announced the theme for president obama's inauguration will be "faith in america's future." which is proof that no one in the white house has ever seen "here comes honey boo boo." [ laughter ] actually, president obama's team is promising special perks for donors who give at least $1 million to the inauguration. which

>> jimmy: i ducked. >> yes. >> jimmy: i'm blind. i ducked.oo am from north philadelphia. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and when you duck, i duck. >> jimmy: i duck. yeah. [ laughter ] but i didn't know. i didn't know. >> conjugation of the verb "to run." >> jimmy: yes. to run. >> to run. >> jimmy: to run. >> i duck. you duck. >> jimmy: you duck. >> i duck. we run. >> jimmy: run. we duck and run. >> okay, here we go. >> jimmy: all right. here we go. >> now, why did you duck? >> jimmy: i ducked again because i'm just doing -- i was imitating what you were doing. what were you -- [ laughter ] >> no, no. >> jimmy: i feel like -- >> you are -- you're all right. you're -- are we approaching you? >> jimmy: yes, we are approaching these guys. >> be nice to them. >> jimmy: they're very -- yes, they're very nice. they're friendly. >> one of them has a big tuba. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and it's not this guy, by the way. >> oh, okay. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> i hope not. okay. who was the singer? >> jimmy: that was tariq. >> tariq? >> jimmy: tariq, yeah. [ appla

jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. i didn't know we were doing shout-outs. can i do one?n. >> questlove: cool! yo, can i get some shout-out music? ♪ [ light laughter ] all right. this is your man questo, and i want to give a shout-out to the class that i'm teaching at nyu this semester called classic albums with professor questlove, and i'll be going over some of the classic albums of all time, like michael jackson's "off the wall," prince's "dirty mind" and the beastie boys' "paul's boutique." so if you want to put your college credit to good use, sign up for classic albums with professor questlove, and trust me. you won't regret it. jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good for you. great shout-out, quest. >> questlove: thank you man. >> jimmy: good for you, buddy. >> yo, it's my turn, jimmy. >> jimmy: okay, kamal, go ahead. >> yo, shout-out to yarn. [ laughter ] yeah. yarn is amazing. cats roll it around on the carpet, looking cute as hell. sassy old grandma can sit in the crazy ass rocking chair while knitting some beautiful sweaters like this. [ cheers and applau

>> jimmy: no. a phrase. >> oh, man. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. all right. >> all right. >> jimmy: here we go. >> bad attitude. yes, it's a phrase. awesome. >> jimmy: here we go. let's do this! >> i know phrases. i know phrases. >> jimmy: all right. >> it's an apple! it's an apple. apple of my eye! >> jimmy: yes! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i've never ever got it! i never ever got one guess ever! [ laughter ] that is the truth! i'm so happy! apple of my eye! you're the greatest. >> it's a good apple. >> jimmy: you're the greatest. >> i walked down the aisle with stevie wonder. the guy was singing "you are the apple of my eye." [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: oh, cute. come on. >> can we erase that? what do we do? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> rip it off. rip it off. >> jimmy: yeah, we can just tear it off, and i will -- thank you. all right. [ laughter ] >> i like his style. >> jimmy: there we go. >> number? oh, seven! there's an emphatic seven. all right, it's a phrase. >> uh-oh. >> i am sorry. i'm just so

but jimmy fallon. jimmy's happening right now.. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> miles: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hey, everybody! oh, my goodness. i missed you so much. welcome -- [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "late night." the rumors are true. i was trapped in a bear cave over the break, and -- [ laughter ] welcome to the show, you guys. i'm psyched. we have an unbelievable show tonight. you guys sound like a great crowd, ready to go. we're going to go crazy. [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. a lot of fun. quick, here's what people are talking about, you guys. after hours and hours of tough negotiations, the most powerful people in america have finally come to an agreement. that's right. if it's a girl, they're

but jimmy fallon is happening right now. jimmy!se ] ♪ ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. some love. that's a great new york city crowd right there. thank you so much for being here tonight. you know -- you can feel it. welcome. welcome, everybody. thank you for being here. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." [ cheers and applause ] everybody -- everybody's talking about this story. manti te'o. [ cheers ] this is the craziest story. have you heard about this? notre dame linebacker manti te'o is being accused of making up an online girlfriend and then -- and then lying about her death last year so that it would help him win the heisman trophy. [ laughter ] pretty big scand

but, jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy!d applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. that's what i'm talking about. i feel the love. great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody, to "late night." thank you for being here. we've got a giant show tonight. so this is going to be fun. welcome, everybody. welcome. [ cheers and applause ] well, guys, here's what's going on. after three years and six seasons, the final episode of "jersey shore" aired tonight. [ cheers and applause ] or as the mayans put it -- so we're off by one day. [ laughter ] have you guys seen this? there's a photo going around with president obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as spiderman. have you seen this. take a look at this.

be -- jimmy, doing a great job, jimmy!e, "jimmy, woo, yeah!" it just broke the ice. i will be going nuts for you. >> well, because people are so serious at those shows. mean, as you know, i like to have a lot of fun. they're so serious, everybody. >> jimmy: oh they take it -- yeah, they're like, i'm me -- >> and when you're like, hey, looking good out there, nice buns. and -- >> jimmy: nice buns, i mean, come on! pal, you're going to kill it. i cannot wait. you're killing it -- "parks and rec" has one of the most talked-about television -- [ cheers and applause ] thursdays at 9:30 here on this great channel -- but you had one of the most talked-about episodes where your celebrity crush came on the show. [ cheers ] how did you get him to do it? joe biden was on. >> joe biden, that's right. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: he was awesome. >> go joe biden! >> jimmy: what's that. don't read my note. okay, you can see it. >> i love joe biden. yes, we were in d.c. shooting and we were so lucky to get the vice president and it was before the

>> jimmy: yeah.ficult one. we could dance around this forever, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you and i, yeah. >> i know a way, but i think it's really disturbing. >> jimmy: what is disturbing? >> you know how you tell a boy pup from a girl pup? you know when people hit their thing in between their legs? you know how they say, ah, my muts. ah, my nuts. they actually -- >> jimmy: who said this? >> i'm just trying to express what the question you asked me. >> jimmy: no, you go ahead. again, what's the difference between a boy and a girl? >> well, i shouldn't say it's disturbing, but most girls have longer hair than boys. 90%. >> jimmy: well done. what is the difference between a boy and a girl? >> no, you. >> jimmy: what? >> girls always say something it's a little about potty words. >> jimmy: tell us then for sure. what is it? >> wenis. >> jimmy: wenis penis cupid stupid. is this a song? >> it's something my friends made up. >> jimmy: that's a funny one, right? what's different about boys and girls? >> hai

jimmy: that's right.and i'm not the only one. [ cheers and applause ] >> hello, i'm brian williams of "nbc nightly news" and host of nbc's "rock center," and i, too, would like to "slow jam this news." >> jimmy: hit me three times! ♪ ♪ >> less than a month after signing a fiscal cliff deal and narrowly averting a financial crisis, the obama administration once again finds itself locking horns with republicans over the issue of raising the debt ceiling -- the amount of money the nation is legally allowed to borrow. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ laughter ] when it comes to raising the debt ceiling, the president's having a hard time getting it up. [ laughter ] seems the gop ain't rubbing him the right way, especially with the country $16.4 trillion in debt. ♪ so we're still in debt but it's all right the united states clearly couldn't get any broker ♪ ♪ got to liquidate its assets just like al roker ♪ [ laughter and applause ] ♪ >> while most republicans oppose raising the debt ceiling, several have voiced dissensi

that's why i'm here, jimmy. >> jimmy: you have lemurs at your house. >> i have 14 lemurs. >> jimmy: youfall in love with dave. >> my lemurs are in my will. i left my house to my lemurs, if my kids take care of them, they get to live in the house. >> jimmy: what is going on? kirstie alley is here, it's all in the book, you must read it. it's called "the art of men." and of course "dancing with the stars" airs here on abc. we'll be right back with kirstie and dave salmoni. after working on the computer all day, you'd think i want to stay away from it at night. truth is, i like to stay connected with friends. but all that screen time can really dry me out. so i use visine. aah. it revives me, so i can get poked, winked, and -- ooh -- party all night long. only visine has hydroblend -- a unique blend of three moisturizers that soothe, restore, and protect to keep me comfortable for up to 10 hours. pirate party, here i co-- uh, honey? visine with hydroblend. find it in these visine products. until they see this. the oral-b pro-health clinical brush. its pro-flex sides adjust to teeth and gum

and i was on the -- and kathie goes like, "jimmy, jimmy, jimmy, hoda. jimmy, hoda, jimmy, hoda."ots -- we were like one direction. 'cause like, "hi, hi, oh, my god!" [ laughter ] just ignored everyone else in the crowd screaming at you. your nieces are probably, like, "this is the weirdest life in the whole wide world, yeah. where are the wiggles? yeah, where are the wiggles?" this is -- i got to say -- look at this. you guys look fantastic on the cover of this magazine. but -- [ cheers ] you -- you're going through a rough time. you're going through a rough time right now on the fourth hour of the "today" show. >> this came at a price, this cover. >> jimmy: it really did. >> we had -- it was bad. >> jimmy: you're not drinking the whole month. >> the worst decision -- no, we have ever made. >> jimmy: ever made ever. >> i'm watching your drinking segment before this, and i'm feeling parched. >> jimmy: shaking. [ laughter ] >> no, it was not great. >> jimmy: wait, so what happened? "ladies' home journal" said, "uh-uh"? >> they said, "we'll put you on the cover if you guys don't dri

jimmy: where?t lit? >> it's almost an invisible flame there.

>> hi, jimmy. [ laughter ] thanks for having me on the show. >> jimmy: yeah.tion is did you know about the doping? >> ah, well, yes. i had my suspicions. while i never saw lance doping because i don't have eyes, i did notice that he was riding me very fast. [ laughter ] i mean, he always rode me fast, but then all of a sudden, he was riding me very fast. >> jimmy: right. >> even uphill, you know, and i'm sitting there thinking, um, okay. this is weird. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ laughter ] how did you feel when you found out that he did in fact use performance enhancing drugs? >> oh, i -- i felt betrayed. [ laughter ] because, you know, here i am doing my best being a bike, which i'm great at, and i love. i love being a bike. and then i find out that this whole time the butt that has been on me has been the butt of a cheater. a cheating butt, and that hurts. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so how are you doing these days? >> i'm doing great, you know. i -- i've got a new life. i don't really let people ride me anymore. [ laughter ] i've got a job waiting tables at cracker b

>> here's jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: oh!in the market, i will work for the minimum. i'm a lot of fun in the locker room. a lot of towel snapping and whatnot. magic johnson, everyone. watch the lakers and timberwolves thursday night on espn. we'll be right back with nicholas hoult. >>> get the new jimmy kimmel live app and see what you've been missing. search jimmy kimmel in the itunes app store or go to jklapps.com to get it now. y, fo. think courage. think shaun white. think how perfect they'll be for outdoor crafts. mr. white. [ male announcer ] they're good for circulation. plus, they're totally practical. yeah, freedom. scan me. stride on, pale-legged, short-shorts guy. ♪ stride on, pale-legged, liq... double impact?! ... ... sfx: doorbell i'm here to snake the drain. i'm here to flush the pipe. vo: liquid plumr double impact has twice the drain clearing power with a plumber's snake to grab deep clogs and a powerful gel to finish off the rest, baby. liquid plumr double impact. in the middle of the night it can be frustra

hey, will. >> hey, jimmy. >> jimmy: how's it going? >> what's up? >> jimmy: nothing. just doing the show. wa what's up with you? >> now? >> jimmy: yeah. abc moved us up to 11:35, so we're on earlier now. >> ha ha. yeah, right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no really, they did. what's going on here? >> well, i use the studio at 11:30 on wednesdays for my qvc knife show. you might want to check the sign-in sheet. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't even realize there was a sign-in sheet, to be honest with you. >> well, there is and my name is on it. >> jimmy: oh. well, i'm very sorry. i didn't know. >> it's okay. i'll just go ahead and start. >> jimmy: you know what, i'm in the middle of my show right now. >> i have knives to sell, kimmel, okay? >> jimmy: all right. do it quick, okay? >> knifers, only a few of these beauties left. say hello to the nonstick razor steel samurai stab master 2200. you want primo slicing action, look at what this baby does to balloons, huh? [ cheers and applause ] you always have trouble cutting through flan, don't you, jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah. >> not a

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, eryone. i'm jimmy.'m the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining me here in hollywood where we are -- i'm glad you're enthused. we're celebrating a milestone tonight our show premiered on january 26th 2003 so our ten-year anniversary was saturday night and this is the first show of our second decade on television. i want to say that -- we have one goal for ten years and that is to put on a great show. one day we're going to put on a great show. i just know it. until then we will wait. ten years have gone by so quickly. so many memorable events along the way. one moment represents the last ten years of this show i'd have to say it is this. i learn something new from it every single time. thank you. by the way not only did our show have a birthday this weekend our pal guillermo had one too. happy birthday guillermo. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: guillermo turned 42 yesterday. his mustache turned 40. what did you do for your birthday? >> watch tv and eat pizza. >> jimmy: what did y

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. that's what i'm talking about right there. beautiful, beautiful crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. it's going to be fun tonight! [ cheers and applause ] oh, my goodness. we're going to have a good time tonight. a lot of fun. welcome, everyone, and thank you for watching at home. here's what people are talking about. the 2013 oscar nominations were announced today. yeah. [ cheers ] a lot of surprises. a lot of people snubbed. you don't want to get snubbed at the oscars. a lot of people snubbed. but the big surprise -- "lincoln" earned the most nominations. 12 nominations for "lincoln." [ cheers and applause ] and i have a feeling that if he were alive today -- [ laughter ] -- lincoln would say, "what is a movie?" [ laughter ] >> steve: that is true. >> jimmy: speaking of the oscars, the chilean movie,

i am so sorry. >> jimmy: well, just have a seat. >> jimmy! >> jimmy: i know. pushing this over here. i guess we'll just use this. and this will be my new desk now. [ cheers and applause ] >> this is terrible. >> jimmy: yeah, this is bad. it was a mistake. >> jimmy, can i say not a very well-made desk? >> jimmy: yeah. you'd think that one of our staff members seeing you with the sledgehammer would have said something before you came out. >> i know. >> jimmy: this makes no sense at all. >> it actually makes not a sense at all. >> jimmy: a little bit less than zero sense even. >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, what are you going to do? it's good to see you. i'm terribly sorry about this misunderstanding. >> that's okay. i'm mortified. i'll make it up to you. >> jimmy: i'll take that. we'll give that away to the audience. [ applause ] we'll pretend we're doing a talk show during world war ii. >> yeah. >> jimmy: normally, i would ask what you did over the holidays but i was fortunate enough to go on holiday with you. >> you were. >> jimmy: that was fun. thank you for inviti

and here, like it or not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hola. thank you, cleto. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. welcome to my apartment complex. thank you. my pleasure to have you here. why are you here? shouldn't you be at work right now? by the way, if you are looking for a job, facebook just launched a new app. they teamed up with the department of labor to create what they call the social jobs app. you can browse through 2 million job listings. you know it's bad when even facebook thinks it's time for you to get a job. facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. it's called facebook. try it. [ applause ] this saturday -- on saturday, we are celebrating the third annual national unfriend day or nud, for short. this is a holiday i started two years ago. the idea is to encourage people to go through their list of facebook friends and unfriend anyone that is not actually a friend. it's all part of your history month here at the show and anyone who falls into the not a friend category, i wo

>> on jimmy kimmel?e of your 30 shows you can reveal it on. >> we're trying to keep some details -- i don't know if we're going to tell anyone. >> jimmy: you don't know if you're going to tell anyone at all? >> besides family. >> jimmy: and the baby. you should tell the baby what it is. will the baby get paid? >> our baby is not really on tv. it's not going to be on our show. >> jimmy: never? the baby is never going to be on the show? >> no, i don't think so. >> jimmy: what if the baby feels bad about being the only one left out? >> when the baby is old enough and he or she decides that's what they want to do, that will be a decision. but, i mean, it's hard because i love seeing mason and penelope on tv. mason is i think the highlight of our show, so it's a tough decision. but i think sfrom the start, that's a personal choice that kanye and i have made. i know kourtney struggles with it all the time. some seasons the kids are on, sometimes they're not. so from the start we're going to try to keep it as p

>> yeah, jimmy. >> jimmy: there you go. >> testicle size -- >> jimmy: you know what you remind me of. albandias. the one word i remember from spanish class. i took dr. oz's visit seriously last time. he told me i needed to lose weight and get healthy. guillermo, you did not. >> no. >> jimmy: this time he told me he's going to squeeze you even harder. >> i'm going to listen to him. >> jimmy: okay. so anyway, if you like basketball and spontaneous colonoscopies, you are in for a treat. this was a big day in hollywood. at 5:30 a.m., emma stone and seth macfarlane revealed the nominees for the academy awards. did any of you get nominated for an oscar this morning? me neither. apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which i think is unfair. i was looking through a list of the best picture nominees. some of them are very obscure. i don't like that. the rule with the oscars should be if a movie is only eligible if i've heard of it. the night before the announcement, they should come by the house and run every movie title through me. "beasts of the southern wild" doesn't ring a

jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy kimmel! >> hi, jimmy.hearty congratulations for your move to 8:35 a.m. >> jimmy: oh, no -- well, it's actually -- oh, i see. you're in india. there's a time difference. here it's on at 11:35. >> oh, no, no, no. i watch you on tivo the next morning. we love guillermo. >> jimmy: they love you. >> i love you guys, too. >> jimmy: he says hi. i need some help, if you don't mind. >> how may we be of utmost service to you? >> jimmy: i was wondering if you had any jokes about lance armstrong. he's doing an interview with oprah on thursday. >> oh, yes. well, most definitely. we have many armstrong zingers to share. >> jimmy: oh, good. >> joke right there. >> jimmy: oh, wow. wow. roger, you look very different. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: hi. >> i have jokes for you. >> jimmy: why do you look like that now? >> oh, i have been using just for man. five minutes and no more gray. >> jimmy: i don't think that's it. may i ask roger, have you been using steroids? >> i deny indications of doping! he is most offended. >> jimmy:

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for everything, you son of a gun. let me ask, how many of you are here specific tloi keally to ke with the kardashians tonight? [ cheers and applause ] very exciting. it makes the show feel like we're at the launch of a flavored vodka or something, doesn't it? [ laughter ] kim and kourtney kardashian are here, and so is kim's unborn baby, so technically tonight, we have two and a half kardashians. [ cheers and applause ] which is a show that cbs should make immediately. also tonight from "girls," adam driver is here. we have music from grammy nominated halestorm tonight. [ cheers and applause ] speaking of grammy nominees, did you hear about the fight between chris brown and frank ocean? according to multiple reports, the popular singers got into a tussle over a parking spot outside a recording studio on sunday night. the lapd says frank ocean plans to press charges against brown, who is still on probation for beating up rihanna,