>> jimmy: yes!uldn't do it, or else i'd be like -- [ imitates lion king song ] [ screaming ] >> jimmy: not one person yells ten. [ laughter ] >> steve: i was deaf in this ear. >> jimmy: not one human yelled ten. seven. all you hear is ten. >> steve: oh, was it seven? >> jimmy: come on, higgins. >> oh, my god. >> come on -- >> steve: ready? >> limber up. limber up. >> tv. one. one. dive. dive. underwater. um -- dive. [ laughter ] dive. ear. >> sounds like. >> sound. sound. sounds like itching underarm -- jacques cousteau. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] sounds like -- >> steve: splash. >> splash? >> steve: splash. >> oh, splash! >> jimmy: it's the new celebrity diving show. >> i know. with tom hanks. "splash," right? >> steve: right. well, yeah. >> jimmy: see? i thought the movie. >> the girl from atlantis? >> steve: with patrick duffy. >> with patrick duffy? >> it's the new hit show. it's sweeping america. >> jimmy: yeah, it's -- celebrity diving. >> the new celebrity diving show. >> oh! >> jimmy: you don't

and i said, jimmy's on tweeting too. >> jimmy: no, i was.-- of course you're one of my favorites. and i see this thing go down and you get fired for a ridiculous thing. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean -- i was so mad because, as the show was going on, i go, "i think they're gonna get rid of dee." >> yeah, me too. >> jimmy: you felt that too? [ laughter ] no, because -- so, they had to come up with an idea for a thing that people want to take pictures of at universal studios. >> yes. >> jimmy: that was the job that you guys had to do. so, you're sitting around meeting with the -- idea table. and penn jillette, from "penn and teller," who's brilliant -- >> brilliant guy. >> jimmy: love that guy. he goes -- [ impersonates penn ] "why don't you have a floating head or something?" and i go, "that's great, but what does this have to do with" -- in my head. >> thank you! >> jimmy: what does it have to do with universal studios? >> thank you! a floating head. and everybody's wowed because penn jillettes going -- [ as penn ] "we're gonna have a floating he

. >> jimmy: this is exciting. the quidditch world cup will be held this weekend -- [ laughter ] -- in florida. this is where people actually play the fictional game from the "harry potter" books. they put the broomstick in -- and they walk around. i mean, fans say it's a lot of fun, while their parents say, "when are you going to get married and move out of the house?" [ laughter ] but people are playing this real-life version of the "harry potter" game, quidditch. the only difference is the players can't fly, the balls don't have wings and magically change direction. so basically, there's a lacrosse game in florida this weekend if you guys want -- [ laughter ] a bunch of nerds will be there made up. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: "harry potter" themed lacrosse game. >> jimmy: check this out, you guys. mattel is facing criticism over its barbie "dolls of the world" collection because most of the dolls reinforce negative cultural stereotypes. or as barbie put it, "yeah, that's kind of what we do." [ laughter ] f

jimmy fallon happening now! jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, welcome, everybody! that's what i'm talking about! i feel the love! i feel it. great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody, to "late night with jimmy fallon." [ cheers and applause ] we're going to have fun tonight. welcome. thank you for watching at home too. here's what people are talking about, you guys. justin bieber just keeps getting into trouble. in fact, today, police in sweden found marijuana on his tour bus. explains why bieber was like, hey, what's the name of that song where i say "baby" over and over again? [ laughter ] more celebrity news, yesterday "people" magazine released its annual "most beautiful" list. i

>> jimmy: no -- >> closed! >> jimmy: amy, all right. feel drunk. you put it on. put it on. see what it does to you. >> jimmy: all right, let me see if it -- i have a giant irish head. [ laughter ] i need the champagne. >> oh, here, here. >> jimmy: my big, fat head barely fits in this thing. [ light laughter ] >> -- what would this gentleman say at a bar? ♪ >> jimmy: hi, my name's norman. [ laughter ] that's all he says. [ light laughter ] you take it from there. hi, my name's norman. i think that was -- i want to show everyone a clip of the very great amy poehler in "parks and recreation." take a look at this clip. >> i need to talk to you about a float that is in this parade because i'm not sure that you're going to be -- uh-oh. >> is that me? >> maybe it's not you. maybe it's kate upton. >> oh, thank you. no, it's me. and damn them! hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! hey, stop, please! hey! stop! excuse me, pawnee. i'm sorry. i don't mean to stop your parade or anything, but i just have to say something here, okay? i don't think this is very fa

>> well, you see, jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah?n't that the point of this whole thing?" >> jimmy: don't you want to eat the cereal, yeah? >> get people to eat the cereal. i'm the poster child for your cereal. >> jimmy: i'm actually eating it, yeah. >> i'm eating it. >> jimmy: uh, we don't want you to eat it. >> yeah, don't eat the cereal we want everybody else to eat. but, i was also -- i was a little boy crazy. and there was a boy that was in the commercial with me, and the reason -- part of the reason i was eating the cereal was because i just literally couldn't breathe around boys at that point. and i would just go -- agh! like, run up and down the stage and eat the cereal. they'd b go, "hayden, don't eat the cereal." and i was like -- hey. 5-years-old. >> jimmy: 5-years-old, flirting with another 5-year-old boy? >> no, he was older. >> jimmy: there you go. he was six. >> he was -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he was seven. >> six and a half. >> jimmy: i didn't know you had such a pretty voice. >> thanks. >> jimmy: you have a beautifu

, it's time. >> jimmy: i got to go, jay. >> jay: do a good show, jimmy. >> jimmy: i will. applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! that's what i'm talking about! that's a great new york city crowd. welcome, everybody, to "late night with jimmy fallon." [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be a fun show tonight. a lot of fun people. all right. here's what people are talking about. today was opening day for major league baseball. and it's a big deal here in new york. yankees fans were like, "let's win it." mets fans were like, "let's have fun out there, you guys." [ laughter ] actually, today was one of the coldest opening days in major league history. you could tell it was cold because footlong hotdogs fit in regular-sized buns. [ laughter ] >> steve: what!? >> jimmy: ther

>> jimmy: start first. >> it's like -- >> jimmy: is it working? at a playground and it's playground -- >> merry-go-round, carousel. >> it's -- >> jimmy: playground? >> it's the -- it's a big, it's a big -- >> ferris wheel. >> yes. to the right. >> jimmy: to the right. correct. >> oh, i'm so nervous. >> okay, two words, the first word is, different word for money. >> jimmy: cash? >> yes. second word is farm animal and it's -- >> jimmy: cow. cash cow! >> yes! [ cheers ] >> all right, so you can do this at the great barrier reef. you see really beautiful things. >> deep diving -- deep sea diving. >> what's another word for that? >> snorkeling. >> awesome. >> jimmy: oh okay! -- if you get this -- >> beard? >> jimmy: a car accident or something. >> a neck brace. >> jimmy: but this -- >> oh, uh -- [ mumbling ] >> jimmy: you can't talk. this part, it's not your chin, it's your -- >> your jaw. >> yeah. and if you put a key in a door, you -- >> jaw -- >> jimmy: if you put a key in. >> jaw lock. jaw lock. lock jaw! >> jimmy: yes! [ cheers and applause ] [ b

>> jimmy: oh -- [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah >> jimmy: yeah!. >> dirt off your shoulders. >> jimmy: yeah, all right. now, get ready to press down on your game pud. are you ready for this? >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: let's start with the board. say, "no guttenbergs!" >> no guttenbergs. >> jimmy: you don't want that guttenberg! "picture puzzle!" okay, here we go. ♪ ♪ picture puzzle picture puzzle ♪ welcome to "picture puzzle." you know how it works. i'll show you a series of pictures on the sharp 108 and you have to use them to decipher the phrase. >> all right. >> jimmy: so here's an easy example. if i showed you this puzzle, you would say? >> stop hammer? >> jimmy: stop hammer time. >> oh. stop hammer time. >> jimmy: easy enough. easy enough. that's just an easy example. all right? audience, no help. [ laughter ] ready? >> got it, got it. >> jimmy: let's take a look at your picture puzzle. what is your answer? [ clock ticks ] >> tickle -- my ball? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: judges? [ buzzer ] sorry, we're looking for, "play my sports." cle

but, jimmy fallon is up next. jimmy! ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, welcome, everybody! thank you very, very much. welcome! you guys feeling good?! [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. that's new york city for you, right there. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." here's what people are talking about. microsoft founder bill gates -- did you hear about bill gates? he's in a little trouble today. apparently people in south korea are mad at him for giving a one-handed handshake to the country's president, which over there is a sign of disrespect. and in hindsight, the hand buzzer wasn't a great choice either. [ light laughter ] i thought it is a little funny, but, no. south ko

egg, jimmy.ody. [ laughter ] >> walk out of the fire naked, dragons -- [ light laughter ] and i need you guys to make me an egg sandwich because it's my favorite thing in the world. >> jimmy: ooh. all right, and you're gonna judge us? >> yeah, but you have to get your eggs on like, right now. because that's like the equivalent of 30 eggs. >> jimmy: is it really? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] [ pounding ] >> jimmy: got it! here we go. >> steve: oh, my gosh! jimmy! [ laughter ] [ chirping ] >> jimmy: so ridiculous. higgins -- >> get in the pan! you need to cook! >> all right. another thing, another thing we do on the show, you know, to sort of throw people off. 'cause it's a party. we're all competing. >> steve: hot! >> we allow drinking. we encourage drinking -- on your show -- so we're gonna, you know, in the right -- in the right mind, you know, in the right state, we're gonna take a shot. so, here. stop, stop, stop. stop what you're doing. take a shot. here, here. jimmy. [ scattered applause ] >>

>> both: hi, jimmy. thanks for having us. >> jimmy: hi, kids!ittle bit about the budget sequester? >> both: the sequester's a fiscal policy. it limits federal spending. your precious life will soon be ending. there will be cuts to health care. education cuts are steep. we come out to watch you while you sleep. [ laughter ] this policy is dictated by the budget control act. our financial state's uncertain, and we are going to kill you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's so informative! thanks, kids! [ cheers and applause ] wonder where they went so fast? anyway, now it's time for a word jumble! ♪ check out these letters. p-e-n-s-i. [ laughter ] can you guess what word it is? >> audience member: penis! >> jimmy: can you guess? that's right! pines! and now -- [ applause ] now it's time for a lesson on sharing from our good friends, the roots! [ cheers and applause ] >> all: hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: hi, the roots. [ laughter ] can you tell us a little bit about sharing? >> all: yes, jimmy. we share everything. >> questlove: like these crayons. >> or this too

jimmy? >> jimmy: thank you very much. thank you, michael.of moonshine, you like a nice drink every now and then? is that right? >> i do. i do. i enjoy wine, mainly. i like pinot noir, specifically. if i'm having like a party, i'll chill a bottle before -- >> jimmy: now, a couple things before we start. [ laughter ] at no time can you -- [ laughter ] touch the hat or gloves. you can't touch the hat or gloves, nor can anything touch them. basically, you have to whip your arms and head around as crazy as you can 'til everything fly's off. also, please keep in mind, that in the event of a tie, our great audience will decide the winner based on your dancing skills. so, if you can't get stuff off -- i think you know who i'm talking too. [ light laughter ] you just got to think of some crazy cool dance moves. all right, is everyone ready? [ cheers ] contestant number one, you are up. get ready to bring it. audience, let's cheer him on. ready -- set -- dance! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: yeah, come on! ♪ >> jimmy: seven seconds, five seconds.

>> jimmy: no. >> are you sure? >> jimmy: oh, that card?ere's a power in kissing. i need you to put the card all the way in your mouth. i'm going to put this card all the way in my mouth, a quick peck on the lips and the card should switch. >> jimmy: you cheeky bastard. whoa! [ inaudible ] >> yeah, you can take it out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how did you understand her. >> what? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're fantastic! >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: i mean, that's awesome! >> how did you do that? >> there's a power in kissing. >> jimmy: that is pretty awesome. i love that. all right, so why don't you come back here. now, we actually have a couple from the audience that are going to volunteer. >> yeah. >> jimmy: come on over. ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: hey, what are your names and where are you from? >> i'm marcia, cincinnati. >> jimmy: hi, marcia. how are you? jimmy. >> eric. >> jimmy: hey, eric. welcome you guys. now -- now, this is stuart edge. stuart, this is -- this is kind of the same trick, but a different thing. >> yeah

but jimmy fallon's happening right now. jimmy!ers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, everyone! that's very, very nice! please sit down. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys, justin timberlake is here! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] he is here, and he will be performing a new song every night this week. [ cheers and applause ] monday is going to be sexy. [ cheers ] tuesday, sexy. [ cheers ] wednesday's going to be really sexy. [ cheers ] thursday, we're going to take a break and be sexy. [ laughter ] and then friday, we're bringing sexy back. that is what we're going to do the whole week. [ cheers and applause ] you know, i had to do it. just get it out of the way. >> steve: you had to say it. >> jimmy:

>> jimmy: he was! >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah.uote's from the "game of thrones" author george r.r. martin. you love him. >> steve: love him. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: love his great fisherman hat, everything. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah, he's got that hat and everything. i love the show. he said, "winter is coming." [ laughter ] that makes me kind of watch "game of thrones," yeah. here's another quote from mr. martin. he said, "followed by spring, and then fall -- no, wait. summer, then fall. someone hasn't had his morning coffee yet." [ laughter ] a little grumpy in the morning, yeah. >> steve: he is grumpy in the morning. >> jimmy: this next quote is from gandhi. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: famous indian peacekeeper. he said, "small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history." here's another quote from gandhi. he said, "i hope someone wrote that down 'cause i totally forgot what i just said." [ laughter ] "i mean, i was just random spit-balling. i was just spit-balling. i don'

. >> jimmy: basketball?s -- i mean, it was getting a little brutal. eventually, my dad had to take the goal down. he got a little worried. >> jimmy: he really just took it down? he's like, "you guys are fighting too much"? >> yeah, he thought one of us would get hurt. peyton was about ready to go into the nfl. i was about to go to college. he's like, "you know what? this is not worth it." and it was probably also a bad basketball game. our quality of play was probably not good. he probably knew -- he didn't want us to try to make an attempt for the nba. yeah, i think he saw our future in the nfl. >> jimmy: yeah, well, he plays football himself. >> he did. >> jimmy: i got a -- when i was a kid, i asked santa claus for a basketball hoop. and i got a basketball hoop, and my dad put it up in my backyard on grass. [ laughter ] >> hard to dribble. >> jimmy: the most impossible to dribble. you dribble, you go like -- and then, pick the ball up and have to dribble again. it was just an odd thing. it was just pretty

jimmy? >> jimmy: all right, very nice. >> so i dance? >> jimmy: well, kind of, yeah.ve a beautifully decorated easter egg here. it's been hollowed out. all you have to do is put it on your head and start dancing the easter heg -- the easter ed -- sorry. [ light laughter ] the egghead dance. has nothing to do with easter. just start dancing when you hear the roots play the egghead song, and then you have to leave it on for the rest of the game. sound good? [ laughter ] >> perfect. >> jimmy: all right, go ahead. put on your egg head. [ laughter ] all right. looking good! audience, cheer him on! audience, ready, set, dance! ♪ ♪ you got an egg head you got an egg head you got an egg head you got an egg head ♪ >> jimmy: oh, i love it! i love it! you did it. five points. how do you feel? >> oh, great. >> jimmy: all right, fantastic. help him out, please. let's go over to this -- this side over here. oh, she'll walk you over. be careful. he's going to fall down, sue us and we'll lose more than $100. hey, how you doing, buddy? >> good, how are you? >> jimmy: all right, you kn

and now, as if you didn't know, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. do your families know you're here? well, you're here on an historic night tonight. one that could be a turning point in u.s./german relations. after two weeks of negotiations, the justin bieber money key crisis has come to a head tonight. as you probably know. on march 28, a monkey owned by angelic pop music sensation justin bieber was confiscated by german authorities. they said he didn't have the right paperwork. so they took his monkey, a monkey named mally. they've been holding mally captain i now for 14 days. all this little monkey wants is to be back in the glove compartment of bieber's ferrari. wearing a tank top and a sizeways cap. but it can't do that. on monday, i put germany on notice. i announced if mally the monkey was not returned to justin by midnight april 12, which is about 20 minutes from now, i would have no choice but to kill david hasselhoff. that's right. we don't screw around. we play hardball. i told germany i was going to off the hoff and they scoffed. they di

jimmy. >> jimmy: i like saying your name, rebel wilson. >> i like saying your name, jimmy. >> jimmy:that right? >> so he's always like, jimmy. jimmy needs balls. >> jimmy: all right. [ laughter ] >> he does. >> jimmy: "pain & gain," this is another number one movie for you. is that -- >> i couldn't believe it, yeah. it's number one in america. >> jimmy: hey, pal. that's unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks. >> jimmy: so happy. i'm going to do -- and then like two number one movies. >> i know, usually i only get number one for cheese eating. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, but that's no. >> and now i'm number one for movies as well. >> jimmy: cheese eating. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, i know those contests. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. absolutely. >> i'm very addicted to hard cheeses. >> jimmy: are you really? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's the only kind of cheeses i can eat if there is an option. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't do the soft cheeses. >> no. i don't do the goat ones. i just think of the goat screaming, going, aah! when the cheese is getting out of it. have you

>> jimmy: a masters in -- >> a masters in phys-ed. >> jimmy: the rules are simple. a scavenger hunt. i will ask you to find or do something. are you ready to play? first round i want you to come back with all the rolls of toilet paper in your house. go ahead. most rolls of toilet paper wins. there you go. double ply, would that count as two? it -- most college kids steal their toilet paper from public places. wait a minute. i was going to ask you to count those but, daniel what is going on with that? >> my roommate forgot to buy some. >> jimmy: make a mental note. round two i want you to come back wearing the most embarrassing piece of clothing you own. most embarrassing item wins. what you're already wearing does not count. if you live near a thrift store run out and make a quick stop. what is that your wearing? >> my mom gave it to me. >> jimmy: and alfred. where did -- alfred, is that -- did your mom give you that? >> no. this is part of a halloween costume. >> jimmy: what were you dressed as? >> halle berry. >> jimmy: round three i want you to come back with som

thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: i love that. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah, see, i mean, we could goimmy: yeah. i think i'd look good in that hat. >> i know, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> cool, man. >> jimmy: can i try it on? >> can i ask you a question. >> jim: sure. >> is that suit too short for you? >> jimmy: i don't know. did you just come out of the ocean and seaweeds are all over your neck? [ laughter ] >> oh! ♪ >> jimmy: you're like a merman! you're like merman! >> that's a joke. that's a joke. that's a joke, right there. that's a joke. >> jimmy: i tried. it took you this long to get one out. >> i know, right? >> jimmy: but dennis, i -- you can get this at dennisrodman.com. you pick this up. it's cool. read it to kids. they'll be themselves. they'll be better people about it. and i do appreciate it. >> it was fun, man. >> jimmy: that's what it's all about. [ cheers and applause ] why not? that's what we do, right? we're having fun. they have fun. even though donald trump fired you last night, we thought if you want, we'd let you turn the tables tonight and fire him. so, here's wha

a lot of it is research too. >> jimmy: that's a lot of coffee that you're drinking. >> yeah. >> jimmylot of fun. >> jimmy: it would be fun to own something like that. >> i want to be a barista. >> jimmy: it would be fun for you to go on the show "undercover boss." and see if you can -- >> that's a great idea. >> jimmy: see if you can somehow pull that off. are you actually working and coming up with ideas? >> once we finish the season, we're two shows from finishing the season, then i want to go and study for a month. >> jimmy: i think i could help you with this. i have a lot of good ideas. i just walk around the store and i can come up with things. >> troubleshoot for us. >> jimmy: are you doing anything? do you have anything planned that's exciting? >> i want to redesign the store, the interior. >> jimmy: do you serve food at tully's? >> there is food served there. >> jimmy: i have an idea. >> let me get a pen and write this down. >> jimmy: you'll remember it, don't worry. coffee bean burritos. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's like breakfast and a wake up all at one shot. >> and it's good fo

"jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- martin short, leah remini, and music from zac brown band with cleto and the cletones. and now, no doubt about it, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. it is great to have you here. hey, who is ready to blast their abs like they've never been blasted before? i tell you it was an historic day in the world of sports. in the new issue of shorts illustrated, jason collins became the first active athlete from a major american sport to come out of the closet today. he wrote an article in sports illustrated. he said i'm 34 year old nba center, i'm black, and i'm gay. for those who don't follow sports, this is like a contestant on project runway coming out as straight. and he said i've endured years of misery and gone to enormous lengths to live a lie. most people were fooled. but i got suspicious when i heard he only had two illegitimate kids. that's low for th

of course. >> i get it in chicago. >> jimmy: does it cost a lot? >> yes. >> jimmy: it does?was $400. >> jimmy: it relieves you of nervous energy and your money. >> i guess so. >> jimmy: you didn't have that thing when you were performing at the oscars and the inauguration, did you? >> i didn't want it to fall at the oscars. so someone held it for me. but before i went out i had it. >> jimmy: what is the most nerve wracking between the oscars, inauguration or super bowl? >> they are all nerve wracking but in a different way. the different things were fun. but the scariest one at the oscars. at first i was like i don't have to rent or present or do anything else but sing. right before i went out on stage i was like i have to go out there i don't know if i'll be abo able to get these people up. they are so stiff. >> jimmy: they responded well, didn't they? your fears were unfounded and you can't walk off stage. >> sometimes you want to. >> jimmy: but the show must go on. >> you have no choice. >> jimmy: that's right. exactly. >> none. >> jimmy: i'm going to hold the stone for a

>> eating 12 meals a day. >> jimmy: well, i do that. >> you have to eat the right meals, jimmy.arted eating whatever i wanted. so i was eating pancakes, but i was developing my own supplement line. i had access to the scientists that gnc provided me. i was getting all the best ban-free substances. my blast and burn packs. i'm going to accepted ysend you that stuff. >> jimmy: we'll see what happens. >> i don't want you getting jacked up. but it's fun for the first three weeks eating whatever you want. then you feel like crap because you have a meal at 9:00. you go to bed, you wake up at 12:00 to eat again and you're full from the last meal. >> jimmy: you wake up specifically to eat? >> every time i wasn't work, if i had a second, i took a nap. you work out in the morning and then all day you're either resting or eating. >> jimmy: wow, the napping and eating workout program. you're going to be a billionaire. >> thank god it was only for three months and then i was able to get my life back. >> jimmy: these aren't easy movies to make. you said you made four movies in one year? >> an

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.hank you for watching. thank you all for coming. i don't want to bring everyone down but it was a terrible day. very bad things happened today for no good reason and our thoughts are with the people of boston and everyone who is suffering as a result of the bombings. it's a disgusting thing and i don't understand that. it's my job to make you laugh and i'll probably fail. but i'm failing already. and i want you to know that i'm claiming each of you as dependents on my tax return. today is april 15th. you have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. this is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners and wesley snipes. experts estimate that americans waste more than $80 billion on unnecessary stamps today. i cover the envelope with stamps just to make sure it gets there. why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns. we have to pay them to pay them. it's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. how about you just deduct 75 cents f

it was amazing. >> jimmy: has anyone been to iceland here? >> jimmy: no. we don't go anywhere.said yeah. >> we would shoot all day and then kind of -- >> jimmy: because you were there? amazing. these cruises are unbelievable. >> we breed sunshine. i don't know. >> jimmy: did you do any of your dangerous things that you do when you're on vacation? you must be uninsurable? >> we do a little fun -- >> jimmy: what did you do? >> do you really want to know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> wept snow mobiling in a glacier. rappelled into a volcano. it was cool. >> jimmy: i bet. into a volcano? wow, that's just ridiculous. >> beautiful country. >> jimmy: we couldn't be more different. >> want to come on vacation? no. b but if anything happens, god forbid, i know someone who can get you titanium parts. tom cruise. we'll be right back. more than two years ago, the people of bp made a commitment to the gulf. and every day since, we've worked hard to keep it. today, the beaches and gulf are open for everyone to enjoy. we've shared what we've learned, so we can all produce energy more safely. bp's also

>> great, jimmy. >> jimmy: did you have a great weekend?weekend, i enjoy reading your tweets. guillermo on saturday tweeted this. a capital a and a lower case a. and then on sunday, he followed it up with this tweet. was that the tequila tweeting? >> that was my son. >> jimmy: is son benji is 18 months old? >> 16 months old. >> jimmy: he may be trying to summon satan with that word. i don't know. he sent a tweet before he can talk. that's remarkable. he's teething and tweeting. he's tweething right now. on the subject of twitter, we have one of the world's funniest tweeters here with us tonight. a very talented woman named kelly oxford. she just wrote a new book. since there are a lot of you probably not familiar with her book, we thought it would be fun to have some of the kids read some of the tweets to you. we're right, it was fun. take a look. >> is it yoga if you swear sweatpants and then hunch over the garbage can eating a burrito? >> she lays an egg that lady gaga came out of. >> if your boyfriend complains about your pms this month,

jimmy kimmel. jimmy: thank you very much. >> you are handsome, too. and very smart and everybody loves you. >> jimmy: i think i like this new gulliermo better than you. >> i'm a lot skinnier, too. he's too fat. >> shut up, you're fat, too. look how fat he is. >> look how fat he is. >> jimmy: he is fat. who's that? that there's the guy who gets his salsa from new york city. new york city?! [ male announcer ] only pace has that big, bold kick. anything else just ain't right. pace. grab the southwest by the bottle. i need a new recruit! dawn? you won't last. [ female announcer ] a drop of dawn has active suds that stay stronger longer, so you can clean 2x more greasy dishes. dawn does more. [ sponge ] so it's not a chore. has motionsense activated by your movement, the more you move the more it protects. ♪ do more. ♪ degree. it won't let you down. when your allergies start, doctors recommend taking one non-drowsy claritin every day during your allergy season for continuous relief. 18 days! 17 days! 22

and now, all i know is here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for visiting us here. it's another beautiful day here in sunny california. oh, tomorrow, by the way, is arbor day. although i'm not sure why you would need to know that. there aren't any gifts to wrap or anything. my favorite thing is hearing our announcer dickey pronounce it. he has a thick boston accent and it sounds like he's talking about the singing band from sweden. say arbor day. >> abba day. >> now sing dancing queen. >> no. >> jimmy: sorry, trees. there was a ceremony today for george w. bush's presidential library. presidents get a library. i would rather have my own whiffle ball stadium. but they like library, it's called the george w. bush presidential center. all five presidents showed up for the dedication ceremony, which is like the sequel to point break. it was a lot of presidents. former secretary of state condoleezza rice did the introductions for the event. and former first lady barbara bush was whispering to president obama and making them laugh. we couldn't hear what she was saying on

>> jimmy: got to watch it backwards. >> can we do it backwards? wow. >> jimmy: no.wow. okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nicely done. what's next? >> next up is full contact high speed camera. i'm going to ask you to slap me on camera. you're right-handed, right? >> jimmy: i am right-handed. you're all right with this? >> your producer slapped me a couple of times today and i'm fine. >> jimmy: happy st. patrick's day. oh, that's -- >> all right, stand over here now, jamie. >> jimmy: you go over there and i'm going to slap you. >> you're going to slap me. don't hold back. >> jimmy: how hard should i hit you? medium? >> go ahead, i can take it. the harder you hit me, the funnier it is. the pain goes away quickly. >> jimmy: okay. >> you guys ready? >> jimmy: you're going to count down? >> jamie, you're going to count it down. >> jimmy: okay. here we go. sorry about this. >> three, two, one. >> that was good. very good. >> jimmy: i didn't want to do too hard. all right. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and here we go. and the replay shows -- all right. we have one more thi

language ] >> jimmy: or we off the hoff. [ speaking foreign language ] >> jimmy: thank you, klaus. that's klaus, everyone. you don't expect that kind of emotion from a german. all right, we're going to take a break right now. we have a good show for you tonight. rosario dawson is here with us nico nicole richie is on the show. when we come back, i'm going to give some kids a lie detector test. stay right there. oh man! it's like we're tailgating! my grandfather's secret recipe, they've been smoking for hours. how many hours exactly? [ friend #2 ] what kind of spices do you use in your rub? what part of secret recipe don't you understand? i've got to go turn off the smoker. your grandfather would be proud of you! he didn't make these. mm-mmm. ♪ ok. [ male announcer ] new oscar mayer carving board pulled pork, part of the complete line of carving board meats. it's not your everyday food. it's oscar mayer. [ female announcer ] neutrogena® pore refining cleanser. alpha-hydroxy and exfoliating beads work to clean and tighten pores so they can look half their size. pores...shrink 'em dow

>> yeah. >> jimmy: okay.religion and i'm her daughter. >> jimmy: did you go to church before coming a dominatrix virgin? >> had to get a lot of training. >> jimmy: your dad as a professional surfer that seems -- did he have -- >> a band of merry men? >> jimmy: yeah, surfers have -- everything is a flop house right? >> they travel in packs. i remember the one particular friend that stands out he had this great friend who is sea dog. he is 6'4" who did tao e kwon d. and he was the d.j. for the sand crab races. >> jimmy: the what? >> he is like come down to the sand crab races and he would go into the whole thing. and he was a surfer. >> jimmy: uncle sea dog. what is a sand crab race? >> it's the sand crabs from the beach they put them in a sand pit and they go around in a circle. it's kind of like a cockfight. >> jimmy: they're not killing each other, though, right? do you pick one? >> they put a little color on them and he names them all. i didn't participate much in that. >> jimmy: you can't be a virgin if yo

>> yeah. >> jimmy: you like it?. >> jimmy: one more thing, everyone has an 37b on just about everything. we like to venture out to hollywood boulevard. we asked people a very confusing question. the question we asked is, in light of beyonce and jay-z's trip to cuba to you support obama's plan for 5% of taxes to south korea should ahmadinejad fortify his nuclear program. it makes no sense. it has enough to it to make people feel like they should have an answer. with that said, it's time for our confusing question of the day. >> in light of beyonce and jay-z's recent trip to cuba, do you support 25% of federal tax dollars to protect john kerry against south korea should ahmadinejad fortify his nuclear program. >> i think we should. if we see that nothing is going on, then he shouldn't. >> light of the recent trip to cuba do you superintendent port obama's plan for 5% of federal tax dollars to south korea should ahmadinejad fortify his nuclear program? >> oh, yes. we should do everything should a problem arise. >> do y

> jimmy: she's nice.like. he is risen. congratulations, jesus. with two exclamation points. >> i made that sign myself, i'll have you know. and i was wasted when i did it. a little pat on the back for that. >> jimmy: are you excited about the new pope? >> well, that's why i had an easter party. i love the new pope. i love the new pope's team, not the name he picked, which was amazing and fantastic. >> jimmy: you don't like francis? >> they just made to big of a deal of it. his real name is jorge bergoglio, which sounds like an expensive pair of shoes. >> jimmy: i wonder if his mom will insist on calling him jorge or switch to francis? >> well, she would have to be about 130 now. you don't get that job as a young man. >> jimmy: you made a documentary "religulous." it was terrific, very well done. >> yeah. and you know, those themes we explored in that movie, they're always timeless. they come back. we did something on the show cently when we were talking about the new pope talking about the fact that most

negative. >> jimmy: why not? jimmy: he said he gets up at 4:00 in the morning? >> who does that? that makes no sense. >> jimmy: is mark a good workout partner? >> he's the most intense workout person you've ever worked with. all he do is yell at you. he gets up. put 425 on there. what are you trying to prove? you get under there, he do it ten times. literally the weight hit my chest and bounced off me. >> jimmy: so he's not a good workout partner. >> he inspires you. i had incredible gains working out. anybody who worked out, i had amazing gains working out where mark wahlberg. >> jimmy: so you recommend people should try to work out with mark wahlberg. >> i recommend that you should have somebody there yelling at you when you work out. just all kind of stupid stuff. >> jimmy: i hear the movie is great. have you seen the whole thing yet? >> i've seen it twice. it's a fun movie. it's a lot of fun. it's what movies used to be. it's great to be a part of it. >> jimmy: it gritz to have you here. congratulations. "pai

>> jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: come on, my pal. >> what's up? >> jimmy: how are you doing?ding music? >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: this is very exciting. what made you start doing this? >> you know, i've always loved doing music, and i just did a movie -- well, not just, but a few years ago, i did a movie called "janie jones" i was here for. >> jimmy: i love that. i remember that. >> i played a singer/songwriter in that. so, i kind of started messing around. >> jimmy: yes, you knew like two chords. >> yeah, i knew an "e" and an "a." >> jimmy: now do you know more than two or all your songs only two chords. >> one chord actually. >> jimmy: one chord only. >> yeah. one chord. >> jimmy: that's all you need really. >> now i use four chords. >> jimmy: that's amazing, that's all you need. >> sometimes i'll go crazy with five. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: slow down, baby! slow down. >> slow down. but, yes, i've been writing and recording. >> jimmy: it's almost like the reverse of justin timberlake. >> exactly, well, yeah, i mean, he's a huge inspiration for that, you know, being a music

>> jimmy: for? most people say for. >> against. >> and let me ask you this, if you had to marry one of them, johnny depp or hugh jackmon. >> jimmy: looks like a johnny depp guy to you all right? >> i don't answer none of that [ bleep ] that's why they call this joint hollyweird. >> pretty sure he was talking to a guy. >> jerry from northern california. >> are you for or against same-sex marriage? >> for. >> jimmy: jerry, most people say for same-sex marriage. i don't know how we know that. but let's find out. >> for. >> and let me ask you, would you rather be married to paul walker or vin diesel? >> jimmy: paul walker or vin diesel? paul walker? >> i would have to say vin diesel. >> he's a fine looking man. in a manly sort of way. >> jimmy: all right. we're learning more about these people than i anticipated. all right, we have another one? >> my name is kathy and i'm from staten island, new york. >> kathy, are you for or against same-sex marriage? >> jimmy: wait a minute. what was that there? can w

. >> jimmy: disappointing. he tried to hang himself with a rope made out of twizzlers but fortunately that broke, too. i don't want to bring the mood down, but today is day 14 of the justin bieber monkey crisis. on march 28, justin bieber attempted to bring his monkey mally into germany, but when he got there, the monkey was confiscated and quarantined because justin didn't have the proper monkey paperwork. so for the last two weeks, mally the monkey has been held captive until justin returns to pay his $17,000 fine. now, this is mally in happier times. isn't that cute? when she travels with justin. unfortunately, after two weeks in germany, this is mally now. justin's management has been trying to broker a deal for mally's release, but so far they failed. that's where i come in. i gave germany an ultimatum. that is if they do not release justin bieber's monkey by thursday at midnight, we are going to kill david hasselhoff. and maybe you're wondering, if. we kill david hasselhoff, who's going to drive kit? well

>> jimmy: yeah, sure.me for a box. here in the fortress of solitude, i can smoke meth. like cryptonite. >> jimmy: i think that would be a great thing for "the tonight show." now that it's going to be vacant, they should feel that theatre with homeless people. >> that's a really good idea. we the people can do that. >> jimmy: once we free the monkey we'll work on that. russell brand, everybody. thursday nights at 11:00 on fx. be right back with bob costas. >> i'm jimmy kimmel. a new season of "mad men" begins. we thought we would ask three ridiculous questions. how much would you pay to keep your belly button? >> i don't really need it. >> jimmy: you don't need it. but it would be odd not to have it. >> that's true. i would probably pay no more than $10,000. >> jimmy: would you rather marry a tiger or a cup of soup? >> a tiger. i feel like a tiger would be more useful. >> jimmy: who's going to tell the soup? >> i'll tell the soup. >> jimmy: you play a character named joan. my mother's name was joan. what's

everybody's favorite. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. i think that kind of started the whole half-time -- >> yeah, there was crazy wind machines. it was still very analog, that michael jackson performance. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but -- with so many wind machines. >> tracy: was that the one with the -- the whole stadium had the faces of the kids around the world? >> jimmy: yes. >> tracy: he was singing like, "heal the world," and all that? >> jimmy: yeah, well he did -- there was one where like eight michael jacksons popped out and like -- >> yes! >> jimmy: you don't know which one's really him. you're like, "probably the guy in the center of the stage." [ laughter ] but -- i'm not gonna give away the ending. but that was super fun times. then you went on vacation. had a big vacation. >> i did. i went to brazil, actually. i went to rio and another town. it was a blast. >> jimmy: you went with the coop. anderson cooper. >> i did. "ac 360" and ac 420 hit brazil together. that's right. and we went to brazil together.

jimmy. jimmy's an ex-con? you certainly proved your point. i feel stupid as hell. daphne: i feel rather a fool meself. why would you care? because... i've agreed to go out with jimmy tomorrow night. you did what? he asked if i'd like to go out for drinks to a place called the topaz room. meet some of his friends. it sounded harmless. it's out of the question! you have to cancel! you said yourself he was fun to spend time with. i said do time with. no, no. you can't go. case closed. that self-righteous police mentality don't you believe econd chances? i did, then we had niles. i believe when a man has paid his debt to society in seserves a fresh start. i see no harm in her going out with him once. well, i do. she's not going. i say she is! i say she isn't! he dis! excuse me, gentlemen. might i interject one tiny thought into this conversation? of course, daphne. belt up! both of you! it may have escaped your notice she but i happen to be a grown woman and nobody has told me whom i might or might not date since i was a schoolgirl and i didn't listen then! when i've m

♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, welcome. i'm jimmy kimmel, host of the show. you for watching. thank you for being here tonight. it's a big night in the world of late night television, as you probably heard. it was announced officially today that starting in february of next year after the olympics, i will take over as new host of "the tonight show" on nbc. i spoke to jay on the phone today. and he -- excuse me one second. [ whispering ] >> jimmy: okay, apparently it's a different jimmy that's going to be hosting. are you sure? jay leno passes the torch to jimmy fallon. okay. does anybody know what the return policy is on a yacht? because i could be in a lot of trouble. the baseball season is under way. the toronto blue jays played and lost their first game of the season last night. but that did not dampen the extreme enthusiasm of their fans. >> enthusiastic opening night crowd. >> jimmy: known as the fourth inning stretch. in new jersey, governor chris christie signed an unusual new bill into

you will hear more from dave, jay, jimmy and jimmy next. >> jimmy squared? at 6:00 eastern. now back to "the five." >>> all right. well nbc made it official yesterday putting rumors to rest about the future of "the tonight show" and it gave the late night hosts plenty of material to work with. >> don't worry. until february, our focus is right here on whatever this show is called. >> we have all fought, kicked and scratched to get this network up to fifth place. now we have to keep it there. jimmy, don't let it slip into 6th. we are counting on you. >> next year after the olympics i will take over as new host of "the tonight show" on nbc. excuse me one second. okay. apparently it is a different jimmy that is going to be hosting "the tonight show." >> i got a call from my mom. she says, david, i see you didn't get "the tonight show" again. he is being replaced by a younger late night talk show host. what could possibly go wrong? >> how many times has this happened? it is like groundhog day. it seems like jay leno has a good attitude about it. maybe there is a financial incent