we talk. >> jimmy: you do? >> we do talk. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah.e music for "top five." >> jimmy: that's right! he's the executive music producer on "top five." congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] i got to say -- >> we had to do the whole soundtrack while he was doing a a taco bell commercial. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he does a lot of things. >> yeah, yeah. we had to go to the set of the commercial. >> jimmy: he doesn't do -- >> to get all of the -- >> jimmy: he does not do a a commercial for taco bell. >> you haven't seen it yet! they're going to show it on the superbowl. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. yeah, maybe he does. i have no idea. >> it's called "drum to the border". [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: this article -- i don't know if you read or read the articles that come out about you. >> i don't read nothing, man. >> jimmy: you don't? this article is the best article i've read in a long time on anyone. >> really? >> jimmy: it was fantastic. >> thank you, man. >> jimmy: you were so good. and i'll say this because i want you to know this. bu

>> 6 or 7. >> jimmy: 6 or 7? >> 6 or 7. >> jimmy: 6 or 7? >> 6 or 7. >> jimmy: 6 or 7? >> that's a great card. >> jimmy: certainly is. >> that's a great card. >> jimmy: one of my favorite cards. >> you know what? hey, real quick, you know what i think i want? i want a 5. give me a 5. >> jimmy: is that right? >> give me a 5. give me a 5. >> jimmy: you want a 5? >> give me a five. >> jimmy: 17? >> oh. oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: will you stick with 17? >> listen, they call 17 the mother-in-law. >> jimmy: why is that? >> because you want to hit it, but sometimes you can't. [ laughter ] ♪ i'm going to -- i'm going to stay. >> jimmy: all right, you're going to stay. >> i'm going to stay. >> jimmy: hit me. that's 13. hit me. here we go. i've got to do it. i've got to do it. here we go. >> oh, shoot. >> jimmy: no, 13. i won! 18! i won! [ applause ] ♪ >> hit me good. >> jimmy: i know you've got a a big weekend. got a big weekend. >> go ahead. hit me. i don't care. >> jimmy: here we go. that was a good one. >> you should have smacked me harder. >> jimmy: no, no, no, i can't do th

and you're vacationing with jimmy -- the other jimmy. >> oh. >> jimmy: jimmy kimmel. >> that's right,oh. >> jimmy: you go on vacation with him. >> i do. >> jimmy: and you hang out. and howard stern is also there. >> oh yeah. >> jimmy: hanging out with you. and beth. and it just looks like a rager. >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and you're having a a raging party. and i'd be fun on vacation. i could go. [ laughter ] i could show up. i will have a bathing suit and everything. >> you have a bathing suit? >> jimmy: i have a one-piece bathing suit and everything. [ laughter ] >> you do? >> jimmy: an old timey, like an old timey weight lifter one. >> old timey one that goes down like this? oh, that'd be so cute. >> jimmy: it's not a mankini, but it's -- you know, it's respectable. >> i'd love to see you in a a mankini. >> jimmy: thank you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: a lot of people don't. but i mean, i would -- yeah. it looks like you guys -- what do you do? do you go on yachts? do you just like have a ragers? like, do you just wake up and just champagne all day? >> just champagne, yeah. caviar. wha

take care. ♪ >> okay, now -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well -- >> so tell me, jimmy -- >> jimmy it like it was yesterday. nicole kidman walked in my apartment. did you remember what the apartment looked like? >> like not much. [ laughter ] anyway, we weren't meant to be, right? >> jimmy: wow, did you make a a good decision. >> stop! you did! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you made a great, a a fantastic decision. >> anyway, it was like that. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. i am shock right now. >> we're both married with kids. >> jimmy: yeah. i can't believe i dated nicole kidman. this is fantastic. [ laughter ] >> you didn't! >> jimmy: this is unbelievable. unbelievable. it was one of the most awkward moments ever and i thought -- >> you're red. >> jimmy: i really am. i'm in shock. >> so am i. >> jimmy: i can't believe it. you're definitely embarrassed. yeah, i mean -- wow, my gosh. are you friends with rick anymore? >> yes, i just saw him. >> jimmy: no, we don't talk to him after that. >> he's adorable. >> jimmy: after that, yeah. well, you made a much better decision. keith urban is so much c

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hey, gwyneth. >> yes, jimmy?d from the bottom now we're here started from the bottom now the whole team here ♪ ♪ started from the bottom now we're here we started from the bottom now the whole team here ♪ >> jimmy: hey. [ cheers and applause ] hey, gwyneth? >> yes, jimmy? >> jimmy: how about we kick things up a notch? a little nicki minaj? on the two. one, two, three, two. ♪ ♪ boy toy named troy used to live in detroit big dope dealer money getting some coins ♪ ♪ my anaconda don't don't my anaconda don't don't it shouldn't my anaconda isn't at fault ♪ ♪ it don't want none unless you got buns hon ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that makes sense. that makes sense. hey, gwyneth? >> oh, yes, jimmy? >> jimmy: i --- [ laughter ] i was thinking for this last number let's go big. >> how big? >> jimmy: big sean. and on the one. one, two, three, one. ♪ ♪ i don't [ bleep ] with you you little stupid ass bitch i ain't [ bleep ] with you you little dumbass bitch ♪ ♪ i don't [ bleep ] with you you little stupid ass bitch g

>> jimmy: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, david beckham. elle mcpherson. and music from vance joy. with cleto and the cletones. and now, just in case, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. welcome, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we have a very good show for you tonight. especially in the looks department. david beckham is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] giving you an idea how famous david beckham is, he played soccer and we still know who he is. of course david's now retired from soccer. you know, a lot of people when they retire they just sit around in their underbear all day. but one of david beckham's jobs is sitting around in his underwear. he models underwear for h&m. now the poor guy doesn't know what to do. also tonight another exceptionally attractive human being elle mcpherson is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] among elle's many accomplishments she had a popular workout video. it was called "your personal best wor

you would, jimmy. >> jimmy: this is ladies first.d five. not fair. >> oh, okay. okay. okay. >> song. dad. queen. she's a dancing queen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't like this, yeah. >> you ready to go? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. technically, it's called dancing queen. but she is a dancing queen. it's okay, it's okay. we got it. we got it. it's okay, jimmy. >> jimmy: that's the way we play in your house. >> where do i go? what should i go? what do i go? [ yelling ] >> i can't hear a word. all right. let's do this. okay. here we go. it is a song. >> jimmy: running. two words. second word. running. devil. running with the devil. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] that was faster, and it was the correct title and it was also -- >> okay. okay. okay. we can't. that's not gonna break too soon. >> jimmy: the difference between us and you guys is we actually said the right word. >> that's okay. >> jimmy: 11! 11! 12! >> okay. got to look very confident. song. >> jimmy: that's how you sing? he saluted. >> he's smooth with it. sexy smooth. s

. >> jimmy: come on!e: and don't give somebody that award. it doesn't seem like they want it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: next from the cowboys is doug free. he was voted most likely to be "the guy" when they say "let's just say i know a guy who knows a guy." yeah. [ laughter ] he's the guy, yeah. and finally from the cowboys is tyler clutts. [ laughter ] he was voted most likely to be nick carter if he ate the rest of the back street boys. [ cheers and applause ] those are your nfl superlatives, everybody. we have a great show! give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. thank you so much. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. hot crowd. before we get started, i want to let you know that on monday we have a big announcement to make. something historic is happening here at 30 rock. i'm very excited to show you guys but i can't tell you any more than that. yeah. so just be sure to tune in monday night. something really fun and cool. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] it'

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome.hat's very nice. thank you, everybody. welcome. i'm jimmy, thank you for coming, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. well -- happy holidays to each and every one of you. [ cheers and applause ] we have a lot -- we have a lot -- we have a lot of fun things to get to tonight. i want to say something about what happened with sony. i've been thinking about it all day. for those of you who haven't been following the story, a few weeks ago, sony got hacked. in a way very few companies have been hacked before. the hackers got everything. and they've been releasing all sorts of confidential information. e-mails, contracts, private information, home movies. you name it, they have it. they claim to be doing this to retaliate for a movie starring seth rogen and james franco called "the interview." it's a comedy about an asassination attempt on north korean dictator kim jong-un. the hackers figured out that -- i guess they figured that out because there are only 15 people in north ko

>> jimmy: sure. a different show. >> jimmy: it's a different show. [ laughter ] blue cards -- big budget in blue cards. ready? five seconds. here we go. >> all right. >> jimmy: baymax. white big puffy white robot thing or something. cartoon. >> ghostbusters? white big -- what? >> jimmy: "big hero 6." >> i don't know what that is. isn't that for like, 9-year-olds? >> jimmy: they have commercials on television that we watch. >> come on. i go boop, boop, boop. right through the commercials. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. no, you don't. we love commercials. >> oh, yeah. we love commercials. in our television business. all right, moving on. i failed you. i failed you. >> jimmy: no you did not. we've got one. come on. here we go. >> dead guy in a wheelchair. >> jimmy: oh, "theory of everything." [ buzzer ] "theory of everything." >> "weekend at bernie's." i should have said sunglasses. >> jimmy: no, that wouldn't have helped. >> no? >> jimmy: no. i don't even think he was in a a wheelchair at all in that one. >> d

supported jimmy. >> jimmy: okay, ready?rry. >> flying saucer. something phallic? [ laughter ] a vagina. >> steve: filthy. this is a kid's show. children are watching. >> it's a medical term. >> steve: oh, my god. >> not getting better. it's not getting better. hot dog. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] [ sad tuba ] >> jimmy: wasn't a hot dog, a a foot-long hot dog. i apologize. the guesses were very close though. it's filthy. i'm sorry. scary looking. i'm embarrassed. i'm embarrassed. i'm embarrassed. sorry. i'm sorry. a foot-long hot dog. >> jimmy, i am saying this with complete love. you could not have failed harder. >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. thank you. don't hold back. >> steve: are we ready? [ cheers ] >> 2! 2! 2! 2! >> steve: oh, shoot. [ laughter ] >> we can do this, steve. we can do this. [ laughter ] >> steve: got it. >> jimmy: all right. cool. >> steve: okay. >> we can do this, steve. what subject is it? >> steve: it's an object. >> jimmy: foot long. >> steve: a foot long. okay. ready? >> yeah. >> steve: this is a toug

>> jimmy: no, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: trust me.>> jimmy: oh, no, no, no. >> royal shakespearean academy. but i did -- i did -- [ laughter ] i did "willy wonka and the chocolate factory." i played an oompa loompa in elementary school. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! i try to get down to the real nitty gritty. that's what we wanted to know! [ cheers and applause ] about the oompa loompa. wait. you were an oompa loompa? >> i was an oompa loompa. >> jimmy: that's good! >> i had a monologue, too. i don't remember it. you would think i'd remember it the way i obsess over learning my lines. my biggest fear is not being prepared. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but, no. all i remember is the -- ♪ oompa loompa doo-pa-dee-doo ♪ [ laughter ] we had the song but i had one monologue. >> jimmy: you had the makeup? were you like orange and -- >> not at that -- it was a public school in boston. we didn't have much of anything. [ laughter ] you basically you're wearing your brother, your brother's jacket if he was still asleep when i went

"jimmy kimmel live"!onight -- oscar nominee edward norton -- the voice of the super bowl, al michaels -- this week in unnecessary censorship -- and music from the decemberists. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm glad you're here. what a weird day it was today. have you been following this story with the pate yacht and the deflated footballs? so tom brady is the quarterback for the new england patriots. he was summoned to appear before the media to answer questions about the footballs that were mysteriously deflated in their game against the colts last weekend. if you weren't aware of this story, like if you had just come back from vacation in aruba or something and didn't know what was going on, you would think tom brady had killed the president's dog. this press conference was covered live on all the sports networks, espn, espn2-7, et cetera and also live on fox news, fox business channel, cnn, msnbc, abc, a bunch of local channels. it was really crazy. they asked hi

> jimmy: yep.> yeah. you ready to see this? here we go. are you playing or what? get in this game. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ yeah. very nice. very nice. just move that aside here. oh. >> jimmy: it went in? can't beat me man. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's it, josh. >> i'm drinking for the robot. >> jimmy: this robot, basically, it sucks your ball -- >> it sucks you balls. [ laughter ] and then forces you to drink beer. >> that's right. >> jimmy: fantastic. i'll buy one of these. >> great date. great date. [ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: our thanks to my man joshua topolsky. we'll be back with more "tonight show" after the break. come on back. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, everybody. quickly, i want to say congrats on the "bloomberg" gig. where do we find this thing? what is the website? >> thank you. bloomberg.com. next week, we're launching "bloomberg business," whole new news site. >> jimmy: that's all you, buddy. and is the podcast coming back? >> yeah, new podcast is starting in febr

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.hank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. happy holidays to everyone. you like my look? [ cheers and applause ] i bought this at the men's y-house. i saw this online, i ordered it, it came in a box. i never got a suit in a book before. this is like the franzia of suits. i got one for guillermo, too. [ cheers and applause ] you actually look like -- you look like a mexican politician. >> guillermo: i do? i like it. i feel very sexy. >> jimmy: you look very sexy. you really do. we look like at the christmas aisle at cvs. when the suits came it said 100% polyester and 200% amazing. i definitely agree with the polyester part of it. christmas, only one week from tonight. which means you better start practicing your "oh my god i love it" face. do people hang mistletoe in their house? i feel mistletoe what is we had before tinder. now we don't need it. 2,000 years ago, a holy child was born. they made him holy because without holes he couldn't breathe or eat. christmas is a stra

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show.hank you for coming. thank you for watching. i say we have a good show in store for you almost every night. and that usually turns out to be a lie. but tonight this show is going to be a great one. from "scandal," olivia pope herself, kerry washington is here. there's a return of tgit tonight early over abc, new episodes of "grey's anatomy," "scandal," "how to get away with murder." this truly is the golden age of people having sex on television. kerry will be here, as is ne-yo, and dave salmoni is here with a tiger cub, a red-tailed boa constrictor, and a cheetah. now i'm told this is the first time a cheetah has ever appeared on a talk show without a cage and the reason why is they're too fast and too dangerous to be around a group of people. don't worry, it can only kill one person at a time. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it hasn't started, guillermo. planning to watch the game on sunday, if you're an american, you should. you should know volvo is giving away new ca

and now, once more, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everybody. hello, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming together here. i mean, i hate to get right down to business but i saw some news today, i don't know if it's good news or bad news. the ir. is is warning there could be long delays getting your tax refund this year. because of budget cuts they had to cut staff. because they cut staff they're saying somewhere in the neighborhood of half the people who call the irs this year will not get an agent on the phone and quill not get a call back. they're expecting so many delays this year they're renaming themselves the dmv. but this is true. in an e-mail to his staff the commissioner of the irs wrote, right stickily we have no choice but to do less with less. i can't say i like that attitude. he's like, i am aware we haven't started yet but i already know we can't do it. so the good news is the budget cuts mean the irs also won't be auditing as many people. so if you're thinking of -- [ cheers and applause ] if you were thinking of claimin

>> thanks jimmy. >> jimmy: no problem. >> it's warm, right?plause ] >> jimmy: so -- oh my god. [ cheers and applause ] i can't even see. it went up my eyelids. it went up my eyelids. that is real, that's fake -- not so funny. oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] thanks to sienna miller. "american sniper" opens friday. don't miss it. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ introducing the new degree dry spray 48 hour superior antiperspirant protection that now goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. does your antiperspirant feel dry and clean like this? so you can do this. ♪ new degree dry spray, goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel. ♪ intra bite size waynis. to enjoy the full size sensation of peppermint and rich dark chocolate. york minis, get the sensation. with a favorite book is nice. but i think women would rather curl up with their favorite man. but here's the thing: about half of men over 40 have some degree of erectile dysfunction. well, viagra helps guys with ed get and keep an erection. and remember, you only take it wh

. >> jimmy: why? "the bachelor"? >> in. >> jimmy: i wa in "the bachelor." literally, i was in the bachelor. >> who was the most wasted? that's what i want to know. it was pretty intense. >> jimmy: who was the most wasted? well -- >> don't say yourself. >> jimmy: no, i was -- i did have a couple of drinks at the dinner. >> yeah. >> jimmy: then you start realizing, oh, this is a dangerous situation to be in. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you really want to know what it was like? >> of course, what do you think? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't want to take up your whole segment. >> i'm prepared for this to take up the whole segment. >> jimmy: there's a bunch of people in a room watching likegy 20 tv monitors, watching everything that's going on. which is crazy. i didn't know what is like that. >> hidden cameras everywhere. >> jimmy: they're not hidden. there are camera guys. they become conditioned did them. >> i'm so obsessed. it's like ridiculously unhealthy. >> jimmy: you love "the bachelor." >> i do,

net now, jimmy.. but before the net, we had -- we had beers, golf balls, radishes. >> corn. they threw corn at us in nebraska. >> corn pierced the net. >> jimmy: oh, really? in nebraska, i assume. >> you think it's funny. your audience is in front of you right here. our audience is behind us. >> jimmy: that's a mistake. >> you sit here and you talk, you look into these cameras. >> jimmy: i can dodge things. if i see them coming, i can go right around the desk. >> we have a full beer can that comes right over our net before we had a net. full beer can, unopened from 40 yards out, just thrown and it -- corso is right here, it explodes on the set. >> missed you. >> missed us. hit the back of the head -- >> jimmy: it's a hell of a sponsorship opportunity. >> exactly. >> we got off the air and the producer, great show, great show, are you out of your mind? we have to get a net tomorrow. >> jimmy: doing the show in helmets. all right, so you're ready to tick some people off? can you make some predictions a

>> jimmy: yeah. she does have a pretty good deal on the back end. [ laughter ] and that's all the business news you need to get into. i mean, you've got to talk about -- you got to get an agent, gotta get in there -- >> i heard her finances are in arrears too, is that true? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she knows how to manage her assets and that's -- [ laughter ] >> she really does. >> steve: but, but -- >> jimmy: but. but. [ laughter ] there's a crack in the plan. exactly what you're saying. >> steve: that's all they brag about. she gets two lump sums. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right guys, we will get into it later. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ♪ hey ho. hey, ho. that one wasn't -- i didn't even think about that one. hey, this is kind of cool. i saw prince -- prince just took his first selfie, but with an actual camera, because his publicist says that he doesn't own a cell phone. in other words, i guess he still is partying like it's 1999. you have to do that if you're prince. guys, i saw that nbc still has

this is my -- >> jimmy: final offer. >> no. yes. >> jimmy: what? offer. >> no. >> jimmy: the butt.he had it. he had it. >> jimmy: the rear. the -- happiness. you can't guess. >> keep going. >> jimmy: this is the -- >> no go back to -- >> jimmy: rhymes. [ buzzer ] [ sad tuba ] [ screams and applause ] >> yes! >> bottom line! >> i'm so mad. i'm so mad. >> steve: we won two ways. >> we got it. >> jimmy: they're so happy. they won. oh, my gosh. props to anthony mackie and steve higgins. [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to jennifer lopez. more "tonight show" after the break. bottom line, of course. ♪ curling up in bed with a favorite book is nice. but i think women would rather curl up with their favorite man. but here's the thing: about half of men over 40 have some degree of erectile dysfunction. well, viagra helps guys with ed get and keep an erection. and remember, you only take it when you need it. ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. do not take viagra if you take nitrates for chest pain; it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. side effects include head

"yeah, yeah, but jimmy fallon." >> jimmy: it was, honestly, yeah.ews. congratulations on this. >> oh, thanks. >> jimmy: how long are you going to do this? >> we're gonna do it until february 22nd, and then i think we're going to take it to london. we're going to bring it back home for the summer for 12 weeks. they're working on it now, but i think it's gonna work out. >> jimmy: that would be fantastic. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] take the whole company, too. >> jimmy: oh really? everyone? >> yeah, everybody. yeah. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. i gotta to say, you're shattering box office records for this play. >> yeah, but, i gotta say -- by the way, it was. i'm not even kidding. i'm not even kidding. yeah, it skyrocketed. so thank you. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah, i swear to god. yeah, it was awesome. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, i'm not even kidding you. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> honestly, that week it all changed. so thank you. >> jimmy: oh, great. and "american sniper". man, oh, man, this is an intense film. [ applause ] congratulations. ge

>> jimmy: 1d.ck this out you guys -- i had it written on my hand. [ laughter ] there are reports that over 25 years after his death, the liberace foundation is working on a tour that features a a hologram of liberace. even weirder, hologram liberace was one of 22 people obama invited to the state of the union tonight. isn't that weird? [ applause ] a lot of people got the invite, even non-people. a lot of people are talking about this. while tiger woods cheered on his girlfriend, skier lindsay vaughn, in italy - - you saw this? many people have noticed his missing front tooth. [ light laughter ] his tooth was knocked out. his agent blamed it on his videographer hitting him in the mouth with something. with his camera? i don't know what. but it looks pretty cool to us. i don't know. this is tiger woods. this is a real photo. [ laughter ] i think the bigger story is that tiger has apparently joined the wu-tang clan. [ laughter and applause ] it's tiger woods. ghostface skiah? >> steve: ghostface skie

> jimmy: yep.> yeah. you ready to see this? here we go. are you playing or what? get in this game. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ yeah. very nice. very nice. just move that aside here. oh. >> jimmy: it went in? can't beat me man. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's it, josh. >> i'm drinking for the robot. >> jimmy: this robot, basically, it sucks your ball -- >> it sucks you balls. [ laughter ] and then forces you to drink beer. >> that's right. >> jimmy: fantastic. i'll buy one of these. >> great date. great date. [ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: our thanks to my man joshua topolsky. we'll be back with more "tonight show" after the break. come on back. ♪ how can i avoid maintenance fees? why would you want to avoid them? because i don't want to... you know what? i'm gonna bring my maintenance guy in here to tell you all about it. roddy! so, uh, without your fee, your checking chamber can't run smoothly. every time you put money in, it causes, uh...deposit friction. gotta get some fiscal lube on there. [ male announc

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody.ell, i appreciate that. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming out. [ cheers and applause ] i have to say, i'm -- pleasantly surprised you made it in here. i don't want to alarm anyone, but i feel like it's my responsibility as a broadcaster to tell you that water is falling from the sky. [ laughter ] all day. if you have to go home now to say good-bye to your families, i understand. it's raining in l.a. the whole city smells like wet ugg boots. [ laughter ] you know it always rains after you have your car washed? well, the reason it's raining so hard today and yesterday is because over the weekend, i had all the windows at my house washed. you wash the house, it really comes down. it does. [ laughter ] it's funny, when it rains in l.a., people get excited to wear their rain jackets and their hats and their wellies, and all that. and then is sun comes out at noon and everybody looks like a nut. [ laughter ] but it's good

: jimmy fallon. >> -- jimmy fallon!s and applause ] >> jimmy: i think it turned out -- [ laughter and applause ] my thanks to jiminy glick for having me on his show. stick around. we'll be right back with martin short, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ recently, a 1954 mercedes-benz grand prix race car made history when it sold for a record price of just under $30 million. and now, another mercedes-benz makes history selling at just over $30,000. and to think this one actually has a surround-sound stereo. the 2015 cla. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services. your phone makes a so put it down...ster. and pay attention to the people you're with. because the universe is sending you the most magnificent text of all. a drink. i can hear that sizzle. getting louder! and louder! philly cheesesteak and egg, sizzling with prime rib and gooey cheese. i better (just) silence this sizzle! the new philly cheesesteak and egg skillet. denny's. welcome to america's di

>> jimmy: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, johnny depp. oscar nominee marion cotillard r. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and music from kandace springs. with cleto and the cletos. and now, i kid you not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you each and every one of you for joining us here tonight. hollywood, california, it was a big, big day in hollywood today. a day of much excitement and disappointment too as the nominees for the academy awards were announced. they made the announcements at 5:30 this morning and at 5:40 this morning e! started their red carpet coverage. they're already out there, figuring out who will wear it best. my agent called me at 5:45 this morning to inform me that i was not nominated, and furthermore, he mentioned i was not even in any movies this year. i don't know why he does that. getting nominated for an oscar is exciting but why do they have to do it at 5:30? it's almost not worth the nomination. if i was in charg

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. i appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] well, i'm glad you're here. it would be embarrassing if no one was here honestly. it's tuesday. i hope you're getting back in the swing of things. when you come back to work after new year's, the co-worker who decides to replace his chair with a yoga ball. that won't get old anytime soon. here's something i noticed. the supermarkets and drug stores used to give out paper bags. now to encourage us to start bringing in our own bags which i never, ever remember to do, they make us pay for them. i understand. to make bags you need trees and we need trees so dogs have something to pee an. yet as soon as your debit card goes through, the machine starts pumping out a receipt that just -- it sometimes like half the length of a football field. it keeps coming and coming to the point you almost need a second bag just to carry the receipt home. and the reason they're so long is because they hav