[ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow, it's intense. >> steve: wow. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: bingo! lot of the national news is pretty bad right now the economy, the trade war, the campaign it'd be nice to hear something good let's check in on the local news, maybe things are a little better what's the big story today in new york >> squirrels in new york city are on the attack. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, no, never mind [ laughter ] let's go to something else listen to this, on a recent delta flight from aspen to salt lake city there was just one passenger. [ light laughter ] just one guy on the whole plane. but when they were boarding, they still made him wait until zone five. >> steve: aw [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sorry. not yet. this is crazy, when the beverage cart went by, it still slammed into his knee. [ laughter ] >> steve: really >> jimmy: and they lost his bag. >> steve: really [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah get this, a florida couple who met at the grocery store publix decided to take their engagement photos in the store >> steve: aw [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: and this is

tell jimmy i said hi. >> jimmy, my dad says hi. >> jimmy: oh, tell him i return the hi. >> he returned nate. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's a good kid. >> thank you. >> jimmy: bob odenkirk, everybody. "better call saul" returns to amc in 2020. we'll be back with whitney come cummings. ♪ ♪ no! wait! ugh, sorry! it's ok! [laughs - out of breath] oh! you got a fast one there just can't get him to slow down this class will help with that we get it... you got it! we're petsmart! you're too young to watch i'your movie "good boys".ws. you kidding? -i know it's fudged up. stop treating us like kids. we know how things work. this is a pretty cpr doll. i love a good story with a bunch of gibberish just as much as anybody. [ screaming ] early audiences love "good boys". your parents have an indoor swing? [ "no ordinary love" by sade ] what are you doing? that's not what you think it is. rated r. (momespecially these days. it's easy to shrink into your own little world. (dad) i think it's here. (mom vo) especially at this age. (big sister) where are we going? (mom vo) it's a big, beautiful

"jimmy." >> jimmy: yeah >> i said -- no, do what you did. hi, jimmy, nice to meet you.niest people i have seen in my life. >> being here again means more to me than i can express i really appreciate it >> jimmy: really >> yes >> jimmy: thank you. >> yes >> jimmy: but tonight -- >> now, i'm not lying. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't know if you're lying or not, but you do something that i'm very interested in. you do impressions >> yeah. >> jimmy: and this is -- it's called layered impressions >> yeah, like dana carvey's great. he does impressions. he goes, "i abstract the person to the point of ridiculousness to make it funny." >> jimmy: yeah >> and then, so i'm like, "i can't do that but i can do what's called layered impressions. so like this is -- like this is my impression. this is michael caine -- >> jimmy: wow. >> -- imitating paul mccartney imitating me [ laughter ] ready? >> jimmy: michael caine imitating paul mccartney imitating you, jon lovitz. >> right, right. >> jimmy: here we go >> "hello, i'm jon lovitz. [ laughter and applause michael caine is not very go

tell jimmy i said hi. >> jimmy, my dad says hi. >> jimmy: oh, tell him i return the hi. >> he returnedpplause ] >> jimmy: he's a good kid. >> thank you. >> jimmy: bob odenkirk, everybody. "better call saul" returns to amc in 2020. we'll be back with whitney come cummings. . i tell them, it may be your detergent... that's why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. it's specially-designed with the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. cascade platinum's unique actionpacs dissolve quickly... ...to remove stuck-on food. . . for sparkling-clean dishes, the first time. choose the detergent that lets your dishwasher do the dishes! cascade platinum. the number one recommended brand in north america. (door bell rings) it's ohey. this is amazing. with moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, are you okay? even when i was there, i never knew when my symptoms would keep us apart. so i talked to my doctor about humira. i learned humira can help get, and keep uc under control when other medications haven't worked well enough. and it helps people achieve control that lasts. so you

>> jimmy: i'm a fan of that show and i know - >> are you >> jimmy: oh, of course.the show, right. >> jimmy: karlie kloss has been on the show. yeah, i love -- you said that it was fate that you guys worked together? >> yeah, it was sort of this fateful connection a year before i got the call to be on "project runway," karlie kloss just popped up in my life. i kind of i came out of the house on a sunday. i was late for church.buexplain this, what you were wearing. >> i was trying to hide out. i was in a hoodie, and i w and i'd come out of my house, marathon so the streets are filled with people >> jimmy: thousands of people. >> thousands of people and then i think i'm incognito, right? >> jimmy: yeah >> then, all of a sudden, i hear, "elaine, elaine! and some blonde girl is waving her arms like this and she's like two feet taller than everyone else and i'm like, "karlie freaking kloss?" [ laughter ] like, what >> jimmy: how did you find her in the middle of the new york city marathon >> exactly >> jimmy: she was running the marathon >> she was running the marathon,

, it's been great to see you, jimmy. >> jimmy: there you go thank you so much. >> all right >> jimmy: trouble with -- >> well, listen, i was on my way to l.a and i knew that i was going to be arriving, you know, in 5 hours, and i knew that in probably 7 1/2 hours i was going to be hungry >> jimmy: mm-hmm [ laughter ] >> and so i saw a nice sweet potato sitting there ready to go and i just threw it in my suitcase [ laughter ] and of course tsa flagged it and, listen, i love the tsa. >> jimmy: sure, sure >> i think they do a great job i think that they got a job where everybody is pissed or nervous or whatever. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: tough gig. no one's going to be happy with the tsa. it's tough gig >> oh, such a -- such a tough gig. >> jimmy: so, and you tried to smuggle it you creep. [ laughter ] you sick - you sick - >> but i'm telling you, as soon as the guy called me over, it's like he was on his way opening i was like, "i think it's my sweet potato." [ laughter ] and -- >> jimmy: he's trying to smuggle a sweet potato >> no, actually, what i said was, "it might be a yam, but i'm no

>> thanks, jimmy >> jimmy: well done.mmy >> jimmy: you pulled it off. you're going to be showing me a move tonight >> i'm going to show you a a move, yeah >> jimmy: so i -- this is good everyone can learn this move >> yeah. it involves your jacket so you need to take it off. >> jimmy: jacket -- jacket off here we go [ light laughter ] [ applause ] ♪ >> okay. that's hot yeah -- so you just -- hey >> jimmy: yeah >> so you need to -- you need to - >> jimmy: what do i do >> do you mind giving me your jacket >> jimmy: oh, because it's a a cold night or something. >> yeah, it's freezing out >> jimmy: okay [ laughter ] set the stage. >> and i -- yes. and i -- >> jimmy: "oh, hello it's a cold night. >> and you want to steal my very expensive jacket. >> jimmy: oh, i want to steal it back? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: oh, give me this jacket >> so suddenly you don't -- yeah >> jimmy: let's do it in slow-mo. >> it's very expensive and you think -- >> jimmy: and then we'll play it back -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: in fast mode >> okay, okay. >>

no, jimmy, no!>> oh! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't look don't look don't look >> all right all right. >> jimmy: hold this. >> you got this. you're gonna win let's go >> oh, no. what have i done what have i done [ laughter ] this is amazing. [ laughter ] oh, my god [ audience ohs ] oh, no all right. here we go all right. there we go. ♪ oh, no ♪ [ laughter ] i'm going to get sued for this [ laughter ] ♪ oh, what am i doing? ♪ >> jimmy: how much time we got ♪ >> a bit of texture in the back ♪ >> audience: eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: yeah i think we both did a pretty decent job [ laughter ] pretty good. the crowd seems to be into it. all right, guys? [ cheers ] >> we gotta reveal >> jimmy: we are going to have to reveal to you -- and see what it looks -- you did a a great job. >> oh, man hey! [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: not bad, right what do you guys think >> that looks so good! >> jimmy: what do you think? >> that looks so good! >> you're do

>> jimmy >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. >> jimmy >> jimmy: "plaisance" is out now. pennsylvania [ cheers and applause good job, guys stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow bye-bye. [ cheers and applause ♪ .. >>> live from 30 rock in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- "a closer look. chris hayes. charlamagne tha god. and featuring 8g band with jeff quay ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: i'm seth meyers, this is late night, we're live at 12:37 a.m., how's everyone doing tonight? [ cheers and applause fantastic to hear. in that case, let'

and here's your host, jimmy fallon ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank you very much. wow!nk you very much, everybody [ cheers and applause thank you very much, everybody give it up for the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause please have a seat welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show everybody guys, it is the weekend and this sunday is the indianapolis 500. so between memorial day travel and the indy 500, it's a great time for people who love being stuck in the car [ laughter and applause that's right, it's memorial day weekend. and i read that veterans and service members can get discounts at outback steakhouse [ light laughter ] cause nothing says thank you for putting your life on the line like 10% off a bloomin' onion. [ laughter and applause this isn't good. the department of agriculture just recalled over 60,000 pounds of raw beef, due to concerns about e-coli anyway, enjoy those memorial day bbq's, everybody [ laughter and applause have a great one let's get to some news here. today, president trump left for a state visit to japan, th

>> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: you came all the way for this? >> jimmy: premier, what do you say to those people who say newfoundland and labrador are dogs, not places? >> well, jimmy, dogs and people we have. beautiful newfoundland dogs. we're known around the world for great labrador dogs, but as guillermo knows and your staff knows and as the honorary mayor you now know we have some of the most amazing people on earth. >> jimmy: that is for sure. you've got wonderful people there. they've been very nice to our staff. and to guillermo, too. >> jimmy, we have a key to the community. that we're going to present to you. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> through guillermo. >> jimmy: what do you mean through? where you going to put it? oh, you guys -- >> he'll accept it on your behalf. >> jimmy: bend over. oh, look at that. well, thank you very much. i am honored by your honorableness. and thanks to all of you. but before we go, i have a gift for you, from your sister city in hollywood. you know, we have a very famous sign here, the hollywood sign. people co

>> dildo's all yours, jimmy. >> jimmy: you think so?> yes, 100%. >> jimmy: the reaction been positive? >> yes, of course. >> jimmy: that's great news. i'm ready to unveil my first campaign ad. are you ready to see it? let's roll it. here we go. >> way up in newfoundland, which turns out is in canada, there's a special place, a little gem of a city that needs a leader. that place is dildo. and that leader is me. my history with dildo goes back weeks. >> i didn't know, like, who was like jimmy kimmel, and i will to go on google and make some search because i don't watch tv. >> even though we haven't met, i know dildo people. like the city you love, i am flexible but firm. and as mayor, i will fight for you, not with you. i will bring back dildo pride, and i'll protect your scenic shores with a sweeping new environmental plan. dildo needs a captain. i would love to steer this ship. jimmy kimmel, mayor of dildo. paid for by my best friend nug. >> so there you have it. >> jimmy: all right, what do you think? [cheers and applause] all right,

thank you. >> jimmy: john >> yes >> jimmy: here's how this works.the random travolta generator, which we'll each take turns hitting it to select the name of a role made famous by you, john travolta >> all right >> jimmy: we will perform a small part from that movie or show the best we can and at the end, we'll decide once and for all who is the better john travolta, me, or you, john travolta [ laughter ] so i -- i will go first. i'll show you the game >> okay. >> jimmy: here we go [ generator sound [ audience ohs ] tony manero from "saturday night fever. okay, i can do this. [ clears throat [ laughter ] it just feels so weird doing it right next to you. this is great, it's so great [ laughter ] "you know, i work on my hair a a long time. [ laughter ] and you hit it he hits my hair. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> that's really good. >> jimmy: that's pretty good wasn't it? >> that's really good. i don't me if i can beat that. >> jimmy: oh, you can beat that all right, john, you can go next here >> all right, here we go >> jimmy: that's the generator there

-- ye olde jimmy's shop. >> jimmy: yeah ye olde jimmy shop >> with my old friends the roots. >> jimmyd this are you doing, like, a - >> we're playing bonnaroo. >> jimmy: yeah >> i think that's a big deal, right? >> jimmy: that's a giant deal. [ laughter ] >> i didn't know that. >> jimmy: wait, that's big >> yeah. i didn't know that [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: you're playing bonnaroo >> well, i'm learning from the -- i'm learning from the kids that that's a big deal. [ laughter ] i've never been. i mean, i don't, like -- i'm not, like, a major festival person or anything >> jimmy: have you ever been to a festival >> i - well i -- i've only been to -- well, i mean, we've done, like, comedy festivals i think they think, "oh, maya's funny. she'll do this." and then we come out and do, like, a prince show. and they're like, "oh, oh, this is good. [ laughter ] but it's not comedy. >> jimmy: you're not comedy. you're serious >> we're serious we take prince very seriously. but i went to coachella last year and i saw -- i saw beychella. i saw it both weekends i went to see my sweet frien

, good luck ♪ >> steve: ooh. 6.31 jimmy. >> jimmy: yes. >> steve: it is now your turn. >> jimmy: yes.- ♪ because when you hear this sound -- ♪ you will commence. >> jimmy: that's correct, thank you. >> steve: when it is your turn to begin >> jimmy: it is my turn, yes >> steve: because the rules get crazy -- >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> steve: -- in the deuce. >> jimmy: all right. [ laughter ] no one says that that's not on cards or anything [ laughter ] ♪ >> steve: oh jimmy is the winner. >> jimmy: what wow. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: this is the final round. >> okay. >> steve: the game called seven seconds where things are about to get even more intense not -- ha ha ha ha one time intense, not deuce times intense. >> jimmy: no one - >> steve: but three times more intense to be precise because you won't have seven seconds you won't even have 14 seconds >> jimmy: 21 seconds >> steve: you will have -- wait, let me finish. you'll have -- >> 21 seconds. >> jimmy: okay very good. >> steve: and you'll both be doing it at the same time. >> oh, wow >> jimmy: got you. >> steve: whe

and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: oh, my goodness! you very much! welcome. [ cheers and applause oh, have a seat. welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to - welcome to "the tonight show." [ cheers and applause thank you for being here guys, this is very exciting. tonight was the season premier of "bachelor in paradise." [ cheers and applause ow-woo it's for everyone who watched "the bachelorette" and thought, "well, it's a little too classy for me." i think i want to -- [ laughter ] that's right "bachelor in paradise" is here it's the show that's got way too much alcohol and not nearly enough chlorine. [ light laughter ] the cast includes caelynn, dean, and clay meanwhile luke p. wasn't invited, but you know he's going to show up anyway, right [ laughter ] it was a big night on tv abc had "bachelor in paradise", cbs had "love island." and here on nbc it was "chicago orgy. >> steve: oh [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this isn't good. over the weekend, senate majority leader mitch mcconnell tripped at his house and broke his shoul

so - >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah, man >> jimmy: dude, this is amazing. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this will get you vocal work on the animated film. >> jimmy: could we know -- will me know it's you when we hear you? >> no, no, no. you won't know it's me [ light laughter ] it's very, very weird. it's like -- i do like a lot of the background noises. [ laughter ] i'm dead serious >> jimmy: are you sure that you're in this movie >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you sure [ laughter ] >> in very small parts if you see an antelope grazing or you see - >> jimmy: wow. >> i'm so serious right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, so they -- you went in -- they had chance the rapper come in. and then you - >> and yeah -- >> jimmy: and they said, "hey, can you do an antelope grazing? >> yes >> jimmy: and what -- can you give us an idea of what that would be like? >> i'll do it for free this time but usually -- >> jimmy: close your eyes, everybody. close your eyes and picture, if you will, an antelope grazing. [ grazing sounds ] does that sound -- >> jimmy: wow, that's unbelievable ♪ i felt like there was an antelope grazin

>> jimmy: your friends?ob, too. >> jimmy: did you have jobs here at this time? >> i had a billion and 1700 jobs. i've lived everywhere. eagle rock. by the way, the guy who opened up the show, he was great. >> jimmy: oh, yes, that was ron burgundy. >> an opener, he should open up for me. oh, my god, we be a hit. >> jimmy: he's working on his material, but he's got some good stuff. >> he's good, i like him. >> jimmy: he might do well. >> he would not. but i've lived everywhere. i started in orange county. i've lived in pasadena, eagle rock, glen dale, van nuys, hollywood. >> jimmy: were you on the run from the law? what's going on with so many places? what was happening? >> ah, that's hilarious. that is so funny, cause maybe i was. >> jimmy: that is a lot of homes in one area. >> and i enjoyed every one of them. yeah, i had every kind of job. sold perfume. i was a justice of the peace, i was annulment department. i annulled people i married. everybody i married was coming in, damn, i got the mojo or something.

and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching.hank you for coming. thank you for joining us here in sunny los angeles where a, anyone still feeling nervous about the earthquakes? we had two big earthquakes, as you likely know, over the weekend. god tried the bottle cap challenge this weekend with all the bottles in california. and now, now, as the aftershocks die down, we're just sitting here waiting for the next one. guillermo, are you prepared for an earthquake? >> yes, of course. >> jimmy: do you have an emergency kit at home? >> yes, i do. we're going to get under the table and backpack by the door with water. >> jimmy: do you have the backpack itself? >> yes. >> jimmy: what's in it? >> water, cookies and tequila. >> jimmy: okay. [cheers and applause] >> i do. >> jimmy: that would be fine if were you the cookie monster, but you need to have bandages. you need iodine, you need all of that stuff. in fact, i went online, and i've been looking at emergency-type products. this is how i calm myself down. i go and buy things. but the

run. >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you moved to tokyo. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause >> jimmyso, it was a really great combination. so in a way, it was easy >> jimmy: but was it - it was definitely not easy but what was the -- for you? was it the noodle making, was it the umami talk me through, get nerdy [ light laughter ] >> you know what i think, i decided to make my own noodles and i decided to put whole grain in it, no one had ever done it before and i was super geeky about it and i got so into it and it was just a little ten-seat shop. so you know, it was just easy to kind of focus so we made one kind of ramen >> jimmy: yeah, that's it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and now, you came back home, hometown kid done well >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you're opening up all these -- are you opening up any more restaurants? >> i'm opening a couple more on the east coast, and then world domination >> jimmy: yes! of course. [ cheers and applause this is your - this is your second cookbook here this is "the gaijin cookbook." available for preorder now it comes out september 24th. what is this one ab

and now, without further ado, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: hi, everyone.hat's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming, we have a lot going on tonight, starting with, you'll never guess who, the president who created quite a covfefe on twitter. did you know he has a twitter account? he gets a lot wrong but he outdid himself today. he became the first president of the united states to misspell his own name. lashing out at google, and he tweeted, they suppressed negative stories on hillary clinton and boosted stories on donald ttump. i guess when your fingers are covered with dipping sauce it happens. but how do you misspell your name? i have to believe that if sarah huckabee sanders was still alive, god rest her soul, she would be out on the lawn shouting that his name is and always has been donald ttump and we were too fake news to know it. ttump was at the white house watching tv. in the two and a half years he's been in office, do you know how many days he's spent at his golf clubs? 198 days. you know h

and now, hold on tight, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show.'m jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. thank you for joining us. after another weekend of sadness and outrage in the united states we had two more mass shootings. one on saturday in el paso. the other in dayton, sunday morning. horrible, senseless tragedies. again with many lives lost. and again our leaders in one party in particular are offering not much more than their thoughts and their prayers. and you know, i was thinking and praying about it, and both parties say -- they say one thing, that we're too divided. this is something we hear a lot, that we need to find something we can agree on. well, here's something we can agree on. too many people are being shot with high-powered weapons. i think we'd agree on that. [ applause ] and agree on this too. they did a poll last year. 97% of gun owners, these are gun owners, support universal background checks. 97%. that's unheard of. you can ask people is ice cream delicious and not get 97%. but the senate majority

it was crazy >> jimmy: yeah >> flabbergasted >> jimmy: really >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then it went viralle outside my house after it was over with, but that ain't happened yet. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no there's always tomorrow. [ laughter ] here's how this works. i'm going hit the button here and it's going activate random word generator it will land on three random words. and it is your job to work them into a freestyle rap together. you ready for this >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right. grab the mic there >> give him the mic. >> jimmy: and again, these are words that our writer made up. so, this is going to be some fun things these are stuff that you probably, normally wouldn't rap about. here you go. [ laughter ] here are the words here you go. [ beeping [ laughter ] oh, yeah [ cheers and applause all right. good luck. cookie dough, kitchen sink, and hot girl summer. [ laughter ] that -- that's okay? you good any questions? you got this all right. here we go roots, can we get a beat on this ♪ ♪ yo i'm neve playing rookie ♪ ♪ went to the kitchen and i had to get a cookie ♪ ♪ but they

i ate everything, jimmy >> jimmy: you did?burgers, peanuts, whatever they had. >> jimmy: chowder. >> chowder, crab legs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just take everything, yeah >> mussels why they got mussels at a ballpark >> jimmy: but you can smell the grass. was, like, amazing. >> jimmy: i love that park >> not to be like -- but i loved it i never told you this. that movie, i'm a fan -- >> jimmy: no, i'm so psyched >> i love the movie "fever pitch," man. like, it's a very beautiful moto that was the farrelley brothers, drew barrymore was amazing. >> it was a cool -- like, i don't know if y'all seen - [ cheers and applause i mean, y'all probably seen -- >> jimmy: we're talking about "fever pitch" more than we're talking about your movie >> i know, but it's one of the most heartfelt things. it was the scene with drew barrymore where you all were supposed to go on your first date, and then she got sick, and she was throwing up, and you stay -- i don't even know what the character name i call him jimmy >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] >>

>> jimmy >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. >> jimmy >> jimmy: "plaisance" is out now.oots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause good job, guys stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow bye-bye. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- dax shepard, host of msnbc's "deadline: white house" anchor nicolle wallace, music from weyes blood featuring the 8g band with raghav mehrotra. ♪ [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how is everybody doing tonight [ cheers and applause that is wonderful to hear. in that case, let's get to the news president trump today tried to down play his offensive attacks on minority congresswomen tweeting, quote, "i don't have a ra

>> jimmy: no, you're absolutely joking >> there you are, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh, my god, thank you. >>, this is -- >> i ain't got enough money to be spending all this money on red lobster chow ♪ let's act like we're on a blind date >> jimmy: this is great. >> how do you like your lobsterita >> jimmy: i'm really having a good time tonight. >> thanks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like the lobsterita, but i like the view even more. [ light laughter ] >> of me >> jimmy: no, yeah, well i thought -- >> oh, because it's a blind date >> jimmy: a blind date, yeah [ laughter ] i haven't dated in a long time [ laughter ] can i have more of that? ♪ [ cheers and applause >> i have some biscuits for you. enjoy. those are our cheddar bay biscuits they're delicious. >> let me tell you about this, because i worked at red lobster, and i know everything about every food here. so this is hand-made by a bunch of african people in the back. [ laughter ] this is a cheddar bay biscuit toast. you got to go like this -- one, two, three. >> jimmy: this is absolutely fantastic. >> told you! >> jimmy: then you can go

jimmy for dildo! >> jimmy for dildo! >> jimmy for jimmy.igning for jimmy kimmel to be mayor of dildo. >> i think jimmy is a fine guy. >> do you work in blockbuster? >> no. >> how come you wear this? >> i picked it up one time. >> do you guys have "titanic." oh, my gosh, this is perfect. don't kill me, all right? can i put this in your lawn? is that okay? >> sure, yes. >> i meet you last night? >> no, not that i can remember, no. ♪ >> huh? >> no. >> you don't remember last night i met you? >> no. >> all right, okay. all right. whatever, i think you were drunk. ♪ oh, d stands for our dignity ♪ our name will never change ♪ and i stands for the innocent child who should never feel ashamed ♪ ♪ l we fought for liberty ♪ and d for days of old ♪ while it spells out that loving town that we all call home ♪ my: great work, guillermo. appreciate it. so tomorrow is the big night. tomorrow the committee for the local service district of dildo will vote on whether or not i will become the first-ever mayor of dildo. so i think, like five of the seven comm

and now, moving right along, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching the show. thank you for coming to the show. it's very nice. i appreciate that. we have a lot to get to tonight. with "the bachelorette" men telling all and our dangerous lunatic president telling all. but first i feel compelled to mention we have a new most admired man and woman in the world. there's an annual survey. it's conducted by ugov. the most admired woman in the world this year is michelle obama. michelle obama. [ cheers and applause ] is admired greatly. she finished number one, followed by oprah. you have to be happy with any result that ends with "followed by oprah." [ laughter ] and the tenth most admired woman in the world is taylor swift. although keep in mind this survey was conducted before they released the trailer for "cats" last week. [ laughter ] the top three most admired men in the survey are bill gates, barack obama, and jackie chan. and if that's not a great crew for a heist, i don't know what is. [ cheers and appl

>> jess. >> jimmy: jess, where are you from >> the poconos >> jimmy: hey, cool.now anyone from the poconos that's awesome >> pocono area >> jimmy: the pocono area. >> yeah. >> jimmy: got to catch them all. you know what i'm saying [ laughter ] well, we had a very hot summer so far temperatures feeling up to 110 degrees. what is your favorite way to stay cool? >> lounging at the pool. >> jimmy: yeah, i'll take that pool time. i love that. that's what i do too roots, we got our pal jess here from poconos or poconos area, poconos adjacent and her favorite way to stay cool is -- this summer is to lounge by the pool, man and just stay cool for this first song, "old town road" is one of my favorite jams [ light laughter ] number one on billboard's hot 100 for the 18th week in the row. can you guys do like an "old town road" type of song? ♪ ♪ ♪ okay it's reall all the same and you know why we came in ♪ ♪ jess would be the nam on this freestylin' game ♪ ♪ she's poconos adjacen so she's really no fool ♪ ♪ and her favorite wa the thing to d is lounge by the pool ♪ ♪ keepin

and now, for the most part, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. i'm jimmy.'m the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] it's too much already. but thank you. this is -- we're here on a big night in american politics. the night of a hundred podiums, the second of two debates this week on cnn. the lineup tonight was biden, harris, booker, castro, yang, gabbard, maynard and hartley. and the last two names i made up, but did you notice? no. because there are too many people. the candidates, i have to say, they really came out swinging tonight. no punches were pulled. >> here we go! >> oh! gehrig goes in there punching. this is not a good scene at all. >> jimmy: i think we have the wrong clip. that was not the debate. [ laughter ] that was from the reds and pirates last night. let's look at it again in slow motion. because you can see from the other angle it looked like he connected, but not exactly the ufc from this one. watch the police officer here, because he's just like uh, not, nothing to see here. [ applause

>> jimmy: really?should be bowing to her. >> well, that's true, actually. she's our american royalty. >> jimmy: yes. >> what makes you nervous is in the days leading up to it they e-mail you a protocol of how you're supposed to greet prince harry and meghan. and they are very intense about it. >> jimmy: i bet. >> i'm not kding. you're supposed to say your royal highness. you can't speak until your hands are like in a handshake with his. my plus one, my guest i brought with me, my very good friend jared, they said he had to stand behind me and not speak unless he was spoken to. [ laughter ] i'm not kidding. i was like, does that same rule apply to jay-z? [ laughter ] i have a feeling it doesn't. >> jimmy: no. >> and i got really nervous because what do you say? i was with seth rogen. me and seth rogen played timon and poomba in "the lion king." he's wonderful. >> jimmy: yes. [ cheers and applause ] he's great in the movie too. not as good as you, but very good. >> well, thank you. so we got, i got nervo

and now, for the time being, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy.'m the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us. i don't know if you know, this is the biggest week of the year for nerds in southern california. as of tonight, just down the interstate, about 120 miles which would take you, i don't know, maybe nine hours from here, down the 405, comic-con is under way, the 50th annual comic-con. hard to believe this has been going on for 50 years. you know, some of the original attendees who were living in their parents' basements for the first comic-con are now living in their grandparents' basements. their own kids living under them. did you know every year at comic-con at least five people die from getting their cape stuck in an escalator. it also is world emoji day, this is an international event organized by whom i don't know. but on behalf of everyone at the show, smiley face with hearts for eyes, prayer hands, prayer hands and a thumb up to you. some parent are concerned that their kids are using

>> jimmy: hi, uncle joe, how are you. >> fine. >> jimmy: where's jonathan?onathan, but jonathan's last name is butt. how many butts are there in dildo? >> i don't know. i imagine all of them. >> jimmy: can you explain the name of your town for those who are just learning about this? >> well, no one really knows where the name dildo came from. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> originally. we know it was recorded as early as 1711 and possibly named before that. that's the earliest recording. and the town itself was settled in 1775. >> jimmy: and you decided hey, we like it. we're going to stick with this name no matter what. >> you bet we're going to stick with it. >> jimmy: you don't have a mayor, which is a shame. >> we don't have a mayor, just a chair of hour committee, and that's essentially a mayor. >> jimmy: who is the mayor? >> greg pretty. >> jimmy: you're related to him? >> not closely related. >> jimmy: there are two un-related pretties in dildo? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you guys have a softball team? i'd like to see pretty and butt standing right next to each other.

>> thursday. >> jimmy: no, the date. >> oh, first. >> jimmy: yes, august first.oday is that magical day of the year when our nation's news people take to the air waves to ask this very important c bieve it's alrey ve it? c yo already? >> i can't believe it's august, right? >> i know. >> i can't believe it's already august 1st. >> i can't believe it's august. >> i can't believe it's already august. >> hard to believe it is already august. >> hard to believe it already is august. >> i can't believe but it's already august 1st. >> can you believe it is august already? >> we are in the month of you belie that? >> i can't believe it's already august already. >> i can't believe it's august already. >> i was just saying the same thing to another colleague. >> can you believe it's already august? >> do you believe it's already august already? >> i said it. yes. >> jimmy kimmel's going to be all over you right now. >> i hope so. >> jimmy: mission accomplished. [cheers and applause] welcome to august, everyone. i don't know about you, but i can't believe it's already here.

and now, most definitely, jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you, thank you.ickey, i appreciate that. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. we have quite a show for you tonight. gentlemen who would like to be president of the united states, thsenator om vermont, bernie sanders is here with us tonight. bernie ran for president in 2016 and is hoping people are still feeling the bern, however, if you are still feeling that after three years, you should probably consult a urologist. i wonder who has a better chance at taking down president trump, bernie sanders or colonel sanders. robert mueller appeared in congress for nearly seven hours for q&a, more q than a. mueller is a marine, earned a purple heart. and he is a life-long republican who spent the day being abused by his party. at one point, melania had to come in and tell them to be best. republicans were very eager to poke holes in any part of mueller they possibly could to distract us from the crimes our president committed. fox news went so far to bring in a bod

and now, most likely, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy.'m the host. thanks for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate it. and i want to wish you, each and every one of you, a happy and blessed shark week. [ laughter ] did you know this is the 31st year of shark week? shark week started in 1988 at a time when sharks were too busy playing with their cabbage patch dolls to even eat people. but they started and still going on on discovery channel. and i tell you, there's nothing i like better than plopping down on the couch watching a show about great whites and digging into a big bowl of chum. [ laughter ] chum is a weird word. chum either means good friend or bucket of fish parts. [ laughter ] of course the most terrifying shark of all is the dreaded baby shark. not only are your kids singing about them all day, soon they will be eating them too. kelloggs this weekend gave us a sneak peek at their newest product, baby shark cereal. it's a real thing. if you look at what they show on the box, they appear to be fr

so what did jimmy king had to do with that investigation? that's what jimmy wanted to know. here's lester holt. >> two enemies who did want trust each other faced off across the table. one of them in handcuffs was a clever con named jimmy keene. the other, a hard charging prosecutor. >> in court he called me the john gotti of kankakee. >> the prisoner was worried sick. the prosecutor that convicted keene and put him behind bars suddenly wanted to talk, a top secret meeting, no less. what more could he do to jimmy? >> he was the last person i expected to hear from. he was my biggest fear. >> but keene's fears went off the charts when the prosecutor slid an accordion file in his direction. on top was the grisly photo of a dead girl. >> flip the next page, another young dead mutilated girl. i am thinking whoa, wait a second. >> he is probably thinking at this point you're about to charge him with something else. >> yeah, because you know, i had be rough on him in the initial prosecution. >> jimmy was in the dark. he had no idea the crazy scheme beaumont had in mind. >> he says

it was just jimmy's word.re, the prosecutor made him take a lie detector test and jimmy passed with flying colors. >> he was telling us the truth, so bottom line is we had further information that larry was responsible for tricia. >> a grateful beaumont decided to reward him with full credit for his brave undercover work, releasing him from prison, and scrubbing his criminal record clean. >> from his perspective, he expected to get nothing. from our perspective, of course, he spent time in the looney bin with this guy, going through this whole process. >> for 15 years, jimmy had been the only one to see those falcons that hall said watched over the dead. >> problem is we never got them, they disappeared, we don't know what happened to them. >> you've never seen the falcons? >> no. >> show you a picture. that's one of the falcons. >> "dateline" took pictures of a falcon when we met larry hall's twin brother. he said larry carved that falcon in the woodshop at the springfield prison, then mailed it to their moth

: dana, no >> i told maria that i would not get goofy. >> jimmy: dana, no >> you get me goofy. >> jimmyna, we have to get -- >> oh, my god, i just want to let go of that sketch. >> jimmy: we just have to let -- [ light laughter ] we have to - we have to get goofy >> we have to get goofy. >> jimmy: we have to get - [ speaking fake foreign language ] >> jimmy: you come on, you get goofy on me. [ speaking fake foreign language ] >> ad lib? [ speaking fake foreign language ] >> i'm doing a recap of the last sketch.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i appreciate that. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.k you for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] wow, that's very nice. i know, listen, i know you're mainly here for the air conditioning, but i do appreciate it. it was very hot in america today. a massive heat wave is on the way this weekend. they expect the heat will cause the usual problems.