jimmy: ready?ittle women. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no >> no, of course not sorry. [ laughter ] five fingers [ laughter ] five words, five words two -- second word run. the -- run -- slow. run silent run -- run fast. and run -- run fast! fifth word run -- [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> what is it? ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: "the fast and the furious" >> oh, i thought it was -- >> no, no. here's -- when you said, "second word" d u said, "run" and you said "yeah." >> jimmy: no, i said, "fast. [ laughter ] >> tariq: you agreed that the second word was run. >> no, you know what - >> jimmy: you're on our team [ laughter ] >> tariq: i'm just saying. >> this isn't about judgment, but you did that poorly. [ light laughter ] >> tariq: yeah >> sit down, sit down. >> am i up >> tariq: yep. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> never be at center stage. never. >> jimmy: ever [ laughter ] >> oh, no. it's fine. everything's going to be okay. [ cheers and applause okay >> tariq: okay, one word >> mm-hmm. >

>> jimmy: you did.k. >> i am in love with you, jack >> you are >> yes, i am >> you and i, oh, are going to have it all together we're gonna have big moments, and the small moments and it is going to be one fate ♪ >> i can't believe you beat me to saying "i love you. >> well, you better believe it ♪ >> rebecca - i love you don't you ever forget it ♪ [ cheers and applause >> they're the sweetest. >> jimmy: come on. >> they're all 100% the sweetest they're the sweetest peopleth >> jimmy: milo ventimiglia, everybody. [ cheers and applause "this is us" airs on tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on nbc. we'll be right back with guy raz everybody. stick around [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ limu emu & doug and now for their service to the community, we present limu emu & doug with this key to the city. [ applause ] it's an honor to tell you that liberty mutual customizes your car insurance so you only pay for what you need. and now we need to get back to work. [ applause and band playing ] it's so cheesy, you'll need a pick up

>> jimmy: yes!- they're not flying they're not flying - they're on a kite. they're holding on to a kite kind of. but what's that called >> they're holding on to a a kite what's that called [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, like if you're -- if you're flying but with a kite. >> suspended cruising hang gliding >> jimmy: yes! [ cheers and applause we got it! we got it! ♪ [ cheers and applause >> oh, my god. i got it >> jimmy: yeah, baby >> i got it! [ cheers and applause [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. all right. here we go all right, get over there. that's harry potter. >> oh, that's brilliant. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: get his teeth. get his teeth out there. did you get his teeth? [ laughter ] >> don't put it in your mouth. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: here you go, buddy no problem his teeth fell out all right. [ laughter ] all right, now it's my turn to guess. all right. let's rotate the stage here we go wow. [ cheers and applause >> i take this, right? >> jimmy: all right. grab the blue card, and when the curt

>> jimmy: retiring >> ah!y: and you and eli -- [ laughter ] i love this picture, but you also -- you look so happy, but you also look like you're choking him. it's great [ laughter ] >> well -- >> jimmy: it's great stuff >> i'll be honest with you, man. i got a little too excited [ laughter ] and eli, he was smiling, then he got real scared cause there -- the picture right after that was like -- [ laughter ] he told me, "i was so happy, and i realized after --" you won the super bowl i was choking him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you really were. >> so i quickly removed my hands, but i love this guy >> jimmy: yeah, what can we say about eli? >> he retired last week. >> jimmy: yeah >> well, monday. couldn't be a better guy to have as a teammate when i tell you what you see is what you get, he -- everyone got on him because they called him "easy eli. it doesn't work in new york cause he had no emotion. he was perfect cause you can't have emotion in beat you up, especially at the quarterback position [ laughter ] you

>> yeah. >> jimmy: like no real pronunciation. >> like no "t. >> jimmy: no "t. >> beauifal. >> jimmy:s driving by here. >> yes >> jimmy: okay yeah. [ laughter ] beauful. all right. [ laughter ] let's see what happens >> let me begin by wishing you a beautifuelledlook. [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] [ laughter and applause >> jimmy: "a beautifuelle --look, look, folks. a beauti - [ indiscernible [ applause ] here's your -- you did not win but here's your beautifuellook t-shirt >> i love it >> jimmy: congratulations. who else wants to play "talk like trump?" [ cheers and applause come over here ♪ don't worry. don't move, guys let her try to jump over you both gosh [ light laughter ] what is your name? >> sammy >> jimmy: sammy, can i get a a "woo"? >> woo [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: in our next clip, trump tries to say bird graveyard. this is when he was saying that windmills are killing birds. that's why we should get rid of windmills. [ light laughter ] >> right, right. yeah >> jimmy: he really did. and so he tried to say bird graveyard. how do you think he'll mispronounce bird graveyard? >>

and now, get ready, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. very nice.i, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. listen, i don't know about you, but we, at my house, we deep in the holiday spirit. the elf has been moving from shelf to shelf. the tree is decorated. the kids are excited. last night i got home from work last night, and my wife whose name is molly, brain freeze. anyway, molly's sitting down with our daughter jane, who's 5, to write a letter to santa claus, which jane did not want to do. she wanted us to refer santa to our amazon wish list that i'd made. but we insisted on a letter because we want to have it. so my wife got a pen and paper and asked jane why should santa bring you presents, and jane thought about it, and she said because i want them, that's why. and we're like, no. what good things have you done to deserve presents. you have to tell santa. and she says i don't know. so i start giving examples, do you listen to your parents, are you nice to your brother? do you share your toys? and she thin

>> jimmy: now you know >> in the building ♪ now you kno jimmy fallon now you know jimmy fallon ♪ ♪ nowa bowl. ugh. mom, dad. i'm right here. are those peppers? japaleños. spicy. caliente. i've got to get my own plate. anything goes in old el paso. instead of using aloe, or baby wipes, or powders, try the cooling, soothing relief or preparation h, because your derriere deserves expert care. preparation h. get comfortable with it. and my lack of impulse control,, is about to become your problem. ahh no, come on. i saw you eating poop earlier. hey! my focus is on the road, and that's saving me cash with drivewise. who's the dummy now? whoof! whoof! so get allstate where good drivers save 40% for avoiding mayhem, like me. sorry! he's a baby! or these. good thing they're sold literally everywhere business is done. i'm pretty sure you could buy them at a bank. not sorry. reese's. my skin hurt, i felt gross. but then i started cosentyx and i haven't really had to think about it. real people with psoriasis... look and feel better with cosentyx. don't use if you're allergic to cosentyx. before

let's go let's go, jimmy. >> jimmy: come on! my man yes!>> jimmy: my thanks to senator bernie sanders, katherine langford, gary vaynerchuk! [ cheers and applause and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. thank you for watching have a great night i hope to see you tomorrow bye-bye, everybody [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- sean hayes star of "watchmen," actress jean smart from "dickinson," actress anna baryshnikov featuring the 8g band with chris johnson. ♪ ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause >> seth: good evening everybody, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause that is great to hear. in that case, let's get to the news former massachusetts governor deval patrick announced today that he is joining the democratic presidential race and sure, why not?

[cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: how's it goin'? >> hey ya, jimmy!great outfit that is. >>enroh my cse so these reddish corduroys. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> i have two pairs of the same. so every time i wear these cords, and then the next day, i go, did i wear the red ones or the tan ones? i get mixed up, and sometimes i wear red two days in a row, and i feel like telling people, but these are the two different ones. >> jimmy: i was dressed exactly like this when i came in this morning. i mean literally like this. >> really? >> jimmy: yes, and as i told you the other night, i saw you at a christmas party, i never know what to wear. gog antos trying to get dressed, be at this party? and my wife said yeah, i think he'll be there, and i said oh, good, then i don't have to dress -- and she said no, just because he dresses like that doesn't mean you have to. >> i had the clothes. i had a nice lady and my wife went out and got me a bunch of stuff, but it's a little too small. and i'm in such a bad mood when it's tight. >> jimmy: i see what you're saying. >> i li

and now, brace yourselves -- jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, welcome. thank you for watching. thank you for coming to see it. and thank you for joining us on what was -- it was -- i don't know if you're on vacation, if you're paying attention to the news or not. but it was an all caps kind of day for the president of the united states today. this is what he tweeted this afternoon. this will give you a sense of what's going on. i just got impeached for making a perfect phone call! i only wish i could have been there when he pounded that out. when he mashed those stumpy pink little thumbs into his phone like he was killing little bugs or something. this is by the way is what he's tweeting before the trial starts. i think we have a lot to look forward to. the impeachment trial starts tuesday. and there are specific rules for how this will go. last time it happened no one had phones. this time senators will not be allowed to use their phones during the trial. and they will have to stand when they cast votes which as bill deal. for a lot of these senators this will be the first tim

jimmy: ready?or 15 hours. [ laughter ] >> if your erection lasts more than four hours, that has nothing to do with zynerma [ laughter ] but congratulations. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: there's more [ light laughter ] all right. one time i got a lego man stuck in my no - [ laughter ] one time i got a lego man stuck in my nose i blew and blew and blew but he wouldn't come out he's still up there to this day. sometimes when i'm laying in bed at night i think about him how old he is. if he ever got married [ laughter ] if he's happy. then the ambient kicks in, and i fall asleep naked in the front yard [ laughter ] >> whoa, i just realized something, zynerma rimes with potato wait, no, sorry. tomato rhymes with potato. damn it, i just embarrassed myself again i guess my dry cleaner was right. i'm a worthless sack of crap [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hey, chad. hey, chad. what are you up to, man? >> i am sorry bro. [ laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: do you know you can make - do you know you can mak

jimmy: for sure. found out? >> i called my mom, and she was on the way home to figure out if anything had happened, and she just basically made noises and screamed. and then i called my dad. and i knew that i had to basically -- when you find out that you're a -- an academy award nominee, you have to do a load of interviews and say how amazing this is. so i knew i had to quickly call my dad. daddy, daddy, daddy, guess what, i've been nominated for a -- and his phone went dead. just as his phone went dead my publicist called to start the phoners. i was like, no. >> jimmy: are you sure he didn't hang up because you were topless at the time? >> i had some clothes on, don't worry. >> jimmy: that's very good. do you know who you're going to bring? >> i have no idea. >> jimmy: will it be a member of your family? >> it has to be. >> jimmy: wow. you called your mom first, so maybe that means mom is going to come? >> i feel i'm going to let them battle, and whichever one lives i'll take. >> jimmy: not a bad id

[ drum roll ] >> jimmy: wow. look at that. >> there it is. >> jimmy: not bad.ok at wow. that is something special. i don't think it's a good idea to keep it in your pocket, though, because it will wind up in the hamper or something. >> oh, no, no, no. >> jimmy: thank you so much for this. that is really very nice. [ laughter ] >> security! >> jimmy: and president bush was at the -- he was in the locker room with you guys it looks like here. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: what was he up to there? >> no, he came and gave us his support. >> jimmy: did he threaten you guys? >> no. [ laughter ] one of our players, i'm not going to name names, asked him if he had any free gas cards. >> jimmy: is that right? >> right. i won't dime him out. >> jimmy: what's going on here? [ laughter ] >> he's just bringing it in with us. >> jimmy: either they reactivated john stockton or that seems to be the president. [ laughter ] >> i don't think he had on the little shorts that stockton used to. >> jimmy: well, that is something else. he was a cheerleader at one time. i guess it's appropria

and now, for the most part, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you.hat's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for coming. relax. i'm glad you're in a good mood. 2020 has not been good so far. i feel like ryan seacrest lied to us. u.s. and canadian intelligence officials believe that after the airstrike the other night, when iran retaliated against us, iran, the iranians accidently shot down a ukrainian passenger jet, killing all the passengers onboard, 176 people. and the "new york times" today obtained video that appears to have captured the incident. officials believe that the plane was shot down by two russianmade missiles from iran. and of course president trump rejects the notion that this terrible accident may have been a result of his recklessness. >> i think somebody could have made a mistake on the other side. could have made a mistake. it was flying. it was flying. not our system. has nothing to do with us. it was flying at a pretty rough neighborhood. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pretty rough neighborhood

>> jimmy: sure >> jimmy, let's do - [ laughter ] what if you said no?ds your temples, as if you are going to kind of send the force of the dents of the can there >> jimmy: okay >> on three, really send it. one, two, three. >> what? [ cheers and applause >> half of you act like this happens all the time jimmy is undenting a can with his mind [ laughter ] here, we'll take it to the next level. watch the top, watch the top [ snap ] >> jimmy: wait, what [ cheers and applause ♪ [ whistle >> go -- [ whistle [ can opening [ gasping >> jimmy: don't even - [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ♪ yeah ♪ you are awesome. oh, my gosh. justin willman, everybody. [ cheers and applause that was great check out his show, "magic for humans" on netflix more "tonight show" after the break. stick around that was awesome [ cheers and applause ♪ dr. dolittle. you can talk to animals? yes. welcome aboard. -are you even a bird? what bird stuff can you do? well, what bear stuff can you do? [ roar ] you win this round. where you can find games, news and highlights. all in one place

>> jimmy: yep.d it get - here we go [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: you didn't even see it you pressed it before it came on you pressed before -- stop doing that stop doing that! stop, stop stop doing that. >> i know what it is >> jimmy: what >> that's when stupid brian hit his knee and then the guy had to come on the boat and give him some antibiotics and it still didn't work though >> jimmy: that's right that's right ♪ you won. i want to e ter. you win. leslie jones, everyone we'll see you later. [ cheers and applause oh, she's great. finally this week there was an attempt to break the record for largest gathering of twins and over 14,000 pairs of twins showed up. asked how they described the event, organizers said, creepy really creepy. [ laughter ] guys, we have a great show give it up for the roots right there. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: we have a fun show tonight. halsey is here [ cheers and applause halseyee and applause and we're cooking with pastry cy [ cheers and applau

liv tyler is on "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- liv tyler, from the nfl network, michael irvin, and music from marcus king. and now, let me remind you, jimmy kimmel! >> thank you, that's especially nice. this is a big night. this program happen is to be our 3,000th show. and that was the extent of our celebration, that was it. our 17th anniversary is on sunday, which is crazy. so much has happened over the last 17 years. i grew a beard. the hatchi mall i discovered into our parking lot blossomed into a full, adorable, grown little man. happy 3,000, guillermo. is there anything you'd like to say to america on this special occasion, our 3,000s show? >> guillermo: thank you for watching the show, everybody. i wish my uncle frank were here. thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: i wish he was here too, and i want to say he was my uncle frank, not yours, but i'm happy to share him with you. >> guillermo: thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo. i can't remember what it was like doing the show with you. i happened upon some revi

>> jimmy: yeah, right? [ laughter ] >> just throw that in the mix real quick 'cause you know how much work that is. >> jimmy: work goes into it. >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: i just you also -- i mean, every time we do any little bit on the show, you put the work in, buddy >> thank you >> jimmy: i know the halftime show is a little -- you have a a little time for that, but i know you >> it's really not because we christmas and then, you know, you're back in january. >> jimmy: it's right after that >> and it is literally, like february 2nd so it's gonna -- it's gonna be -- it's gonna happen quickly, i feel like >> jimmy: it's you and shakira >> yes, me and shakira >> jimmy: i love that. >> down in miami [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: i love shakira >> yeah. she's amazing. and it's down in miami, and we're gonna bring that flavor. >> jimmy: it's a big deal, man [ cheers ] >> jimmy: it is a big deal >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'm assuming you that you're rehearsing already or thought about what bits you're gonna do >> yes

you're from new york >> jimmy: my boy >> yeah, like that >> jimmy: my boy >> yeah, my boy. >> jimmy:doing? he was just -- he had the heart thing. >> no, he's good he's playing at ucla he's doing - >> jimmy: he's playing again he's back. [ cheers and applause so happy -- so happy to hear that >> thank you >> jimmy: but it's your daughter who i think is going to be the best basketball player in your family. >> yes my youngest daughter me'arah is the best one in the family >> jimmy: how tall is me'arah? >> she's 6'3" now. [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: did you -- do you ever play her one on one >> no, of course not >> jimmy: 'cause why >> i don't want to beat her. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, right. come on. >> yeah, right, nothing. i don't hold back when i step on the court [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, you know what, i want to ask you -- >> old ladies, babies. >> jimmy: this is -- [ laughter ] >> yeah, you step -- >> jimmy: you play babies? >> yeah, you step on the court with these -- yeah, you step on the court with these, you got to get that elbow damage [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my

>> jimmy: wow. >> i'm ready >> jimmy: wow.ee you >> jimmy: tyler's partner tonight produces and stars in the freeform series "grown-ish." please welcome yara shahidi. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> hi, guys. lovely to see you. >> we got this we got this. >> jimmy: alright. you got this >> we got this >> jimmy: alright. >> we got this yes. i'm going here i'm going here >> am i here >> jimmy: yeah, you go right there. here's how the game works. tyler, you'll start the round by pressing start on this buzzer and then draw a clue from the top of the pile. >> yup >> jimmy: you have to get your partner to guess the clue as quickly as possible then hand the buzzer off to the person on your right >> okay, good. >> jimmy: you can make any physical gesture, say whatever you want except you can't say any word in the actual clue. if you're holding the buzzer -- sorry, there's more information -- >> yeah, i'm listening >> jimmy: if you're holding the buzzer when it goes off, your team loses that round. >> tariq: dude, we got it. >> jimmy: we're

and now, like always, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. relax, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. very nice. i'm glad you're here. i'm glad you have a -- it's only wednesday. i'm ready for the weekend. i am tired. i was up late last night watching this impeachment. and then like two minutes after i went to bed, we had an earthquake. and then an hour later my daughter woke up with growing pains. then two hours later she woke up again to tell us, i feel like i'm going to throw up. which is how i felt watching the impeachment trial. kind of came full circle. neither of us threw up. the earthquake wasn't a big earthquake but we still felt it. i still got a glass of water out of the toilet. [ laughter ] just to prepare myself for the next time. you know, the first thing i do now when there's an earthquake, i get my phone, i go on twitter. why, i don't know. i look at it and there's a bunch of people going, earthquake! yeah. our democracy is on shaky ground too. democrats today made their opening arguments in the impeachment trial. opening?

>> jimmy: yes. >> but i want to take it back. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no >> wait. [ laughter ] >> jimmygosh. you won. that was - ♪ [ cheers and applause no, i saw what you did there that was a very odd description. a very odd description >> the weirdest -- >> jimmy: she did have that. you're right, it's an odd game >> who makes these things up >> jimmy: we -- all right. [ audience yelling ] someone just screamed, "three, three! she's yelling "three," all right. here we go here we go all right. >> oh, god >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. [ laughter ] ♪ [ laughter ] i'd say it's -- it's funny >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: it's funny it's funny that you're here. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: because it's a paper weight [ laughter ] it's got a head on it. it's like a very weighted, weight [ laughter ] brass, i'd say a mixture of metals. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: in the brass variety >> a lacquered brass or -- >> jimmy: yeah, it's a matte >> a matte brass >> jimmy: two t's and an e matte finish >> uh-huh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and then there's a a deadpool head on top [ laughter ] >> describe the shape of the head [ la

yeah. >> jimmy: yeah >> aye >> jimmy: aye? >> oh, yeah. this is a torchlight procession i'm probably, like, a tiny little dot way back there. >> jimmy: really >> everyone -- it's 20 thousand people, all with torches they march down the royal mile and it's like, it's really special, but also kind of terrifying, because i'm like, someone could just be lit on fire >> jimmy: yeah, of course. >> you know? >> jimmy: yeah, we hope not. >> it is dangerous >> jimmy: yeah, you don't want to do that no, yeah >> but, it's dope. it's really iconic >> jimmy: that's really cool it's beautiful >> yes, i know >> jimmy: i've never seen that before >> yeah. >> jimmy: congrats on the "bad boys for life. >> thank you >> jimmy: you were at the premiere, rocking the red carpet [ laughter ] everyone's talking about you, and your dress and how beautiful it was how do you get your dress to do stuff like this? >> you throw it. >> jimmy: oh, yeah [ laughter ] you just throw it in the air >> just throw it >> jimmy: that's it. >> yeah, no. i mean, i am suc

>> jimmy: yep.mmy: got to make sure it's on >> it's a good song. >> jimmy: all right. ooh, wow, wow. [ laughter ] oh, my god wow. that's pretty good all right. all right, scott, what is something chris did growing up that your parents still don't know about [ laughter ] >> all right okay well, something that he -- well, that involved me oh, actually, all right. >> jimmy: doesn't have to involve you. >> no, no, oh, this involves me [ laughter ] we -- i wonder if they know about this i don't think she does growing up i was, god, i don't even know how old i was. , eighor nine. we were watching tv, and my friend sam was over watching tv and my brother pushed me back into a coffee table. and i cracked my head open and i ended up getting four stitches but i remember, like, he pushed me against the table, and i hit it and i had already cracked my head open once, and i was like, "no blood, no blood, no blood. and my hand -- it was like a a murder scene it was like, "all right, this is my dream job. and i wa

[cheers and applause] >> ahoy, jimmy. >> jimmy: ahoy to you, too.re you actually on a ship right now? >> yes, indeedy. i'm in my office aboard carnival's "sensuality on the sea". hang on a second. >> jimmy: okay. >> attention all passengers. the box office is now open for "murder she wrote on ice", featuring angela lansbury. on ice. get a good spot in the front. but remember, no running. >> jimmy: okay. so i want to ask you about this new dress code. >> all right, nosey nancy, ask away. >> jimmy: what is the reason for it? >> it's very simple, really. we don't want to expose our passengers, many of whom are families and people of lower intelligence to some of the crude and offensive messages on these shirts. >> jimmy: okay. but can you give us like some examples of what might not be allowed? >> heck,ki sh i can show you. >> jimmy: okay. great, terrific. >> but before i do, i'm warning you, this is disturbing stuff. >> jimmy: okay. >> some of this you wouldn't see scrawled on a switchblade onto a toilet seat in a crack house. >> jimmy: okay. >> some

>> jimmy: read the cards >> i need advice for this, jimmy. >> jimmy: do the sketch. [ laughter ] >> theg that we're approaching the end of the line this is the last dab let's make some noise for jimmy and j.j. [ cheers and applause a heroic run we call it the last dab because it is tradition around here to put a little extra on the last you don't have to. >> you what? >> you dab the last wing, you don't have to if you don't want to yep. >> that's hotter than that [ laughter ] are you nuts [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: all right. [ cheers and applause [ speaking with mouth full ] >> they're getting on their feet, and that means that we have reached the end of the gauntlet, approaching the finish line and jimmy, it's become a tradition here on "the tonight show" for us to play a a little game and there is so much >> all right, what's the rules >> nope, i'm done. >> jimmy: -- game. [ laughter ] >> so much anticipation for this weekend's super bowl and of course the halftime performance with j. lo and shakira. so with your b

>> jimmy: seven jobs? >> maybe ten. >> jimmy: maybe ten, okay.hink that's a reasonable number. >> somebody my age, yeah. >> jimmy: we're going to go back in time -- >> i started working when i was 13. >> jimmy: okay. we're not going to go back quite that far. we're going to go back almost that far. we're going to put some people up on the screen, on the wall of america. we've got six people. five are strangers to you, i assume. if you do know any of them, it's got to be coincidence. one of them was at one time your employer. your boss. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: do you recognize -- you can ask yes-or-no questions, just call out the number and ask whatever you like. >> number 3. >> jimmy: number 3. >> yeah. >> jimmy: we're going to bring number 3 up. okay. >> okay, number 3. did you ever work at l.a.x. airport? >> you got it. >> yeah! >> jimmy: right off the bat. all right. this is -- do you remember this gentleman's name? >> i do not remember his name. i know i used to be like, hey! his laugh, i know that laugh and that smile. >> jimmy: rod is his name

and now, by all means, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching it. thank you for coming to see it. i tell you something. i've been watching tv all day, i watch a lot of cable news, i know everything, i'll tell you everything you need to know. i'm about to save you a lot of time. spend that time however you like, it's yours and you're welcome. today was day two of the democrats' three-day opening argument in the senate. the senators as you may have heard are basically prisoners, they're not allowed to leave the chamber. and they are only permitted to drink water or milk. [ laughter ] which i have to say i find disgusting. to me there are few things more revolting than an adult drinking milk. it's gross, i don't like it. these are long days for the senators. many of them are reported to be restless. they were standing at their desks, walking around. rand paul had a crossword puzzles. a few of them had fidget spinners. i don't know where they got fidget spinners, maybe from 2017. the senators are required to stay in their seat

>> jimmy: go home. >> go home >> jimmy: yeah, that's it.>> i came home and i had a big eye, and my mother said, "that's it no more for you. and i've been doing comedy ever since. >> jimmy: thank goodness [ cheers and applause thank goodness you ended up moving to new york city, right >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: to do standup and you worked -- did you work for sears telemarketing? >> sears and roebuck yes, i was a t.s.r., telephone sales representative >> jimmy: how was that >> we used to sell maintenance agreements >> jimmy: wow. >> so, when you buy new appliances, we sell warranties and stuff over the phone and i never sold none. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, you never -- >> no. >> jimmy: you call and you go, "hi, are you interested in the --" >> yeah, that's exactly what i would say - >> jimmy: click. >> and they would go, click. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, hang up, but you had some very interesting people working in the cubicle next to you that were also struggling >> yes, salt-n-pepa. >> jimmy: salt-n-peppa was next to you in the cubicle at sear

>> jimmy: all right.to write a song -- there you go, right here perfect. right here very good. what's your namech or" premiered this week. what is the worst date you've ever been on force cream [ laughter ] dunkin' donuts dunkin' donuts >> jimmy: wow, you've been on two dates. one to baskin-robbins, one dunkin' donuts who were you dating? >> the same date the same date. >> jimmy: the same person? >> yeah. >> jimmy: same day >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. [ laughter ] what did you order at dunkin' donuts >> an iced coffee. >> jimmy: and what'd you get at baskin robins? ice cream. >> jimmy: coffee ice cream >> yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] we'll go with that >> jimmy: all right, so baskin-robbins and - why was it bad just 'cause -- >> it was awkward. >> jimmy: yeah >> it was our first date i'll give him that >> jimmy: what, you had a second date? >> we're still together. >> jimmy: wow! [ laughter ] oh, my god you have to pick a different word - oh, my god he's going to see this all right. >> maybe >> jimmy: all right.

>> no. >> jimmy: no?wer would be no. >> ah, man, i wouldn't have ever guessed i'd be on this show here. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: that i knew was going to happen. no, but just being in a movie where it's like a valentine's day movie. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're in love. it's really like kind of a traditional american movie for couples, is that correct >> correct, yeah. i mean, if you've ever been in love, know anything about love, ever experienced it or wanted to experience it, then you can understand and connect to this movie. that's all of us. >> jimmy: i want to speak about another movie, movie you were not in. you were invited to the premiere of joker, and this is how you showed up to the premiere of joker. i'll get another one that's a little closer. did you, did someone tell you everyone was dressing up like joker? >> no, i just like dressing up. and i also love the joker. >> jimmy: i hear you want to play the joker. >> i would love to play the joker. that would be beautiful. >> jimmy: were you

jimmy: no. dante: no.big believer that, in business, consumers will rally around a cause or a story or some personal connection they have. people like to do business with people. it's okay that you amplify who you are. that's how i make a connection with you. you've really been a mother and a father for... jimmy: for 19 years now. ♪ lemonis: you have the financials that we can look at? jimmy: yeah, yeah. lemonis: wanna go get them? jimmy: yeah, sure. lemonis: are these the books? dante: yeah. keep track of how much cash, how much was on credit cards. lemonis: this does not look like a financial statement. this looks like a bookie... jimmy: yeah, i understand what you're saying, yeah. lemonis: like, this is how a bookie keeps numbers. jimmy: we don't have it printed out. lemonis: so how much did it do last year in revenue? dante: uh, about, like, 460 -- lemonis: no, no. i don't want an "about." i want the exact number. dante: um... lemonis: can you guys add it up? jimmy: he's just busting our balls now, i t

jimmy: yes. lemonis: okay. all right. jimmy: i appreciate everything.lemonis: i'm on my way back, and i'm really excited to see what kind of progress they've made in the week since i've been gone. this is painted. this looks good. i'm impressed with what i'm seeing so far. the outside is really coming together. ♪ it looks different. dante: yeah. lemonis: it looks good. it looks lighter and brighter. joe: big difference, right? lemonis: did you guys redo this? joe: yeah. lemonis: this lip is gonna be a problem. you're not gonna be able to sit here, and you can see it from the side. if i want to pull up my seat, i've got nowhere to go with my legs. dante: okay. lemonis: so we need a new bar put in, a new counter. oh, my gosh. i didn't expect to walk in to this. not as much progress that i had hoped. and it looks a little haphazard. the outside looks infinitely better. how do you feel about it? dante: i feel awesome about it. lemonis: but what's happened in here besides nothing? dante: well, today the equipment people are coming. they're swapping out equip

and now, pace yourselves, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone.'m jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for coming and for joining us. very kind. another star day in washington, d.c. if you watched the news at all you know the house today officially handed over the articles of impeachment. speaker of the house nancy pelosi signed the paperwork this afternoon. this i thought was interesting. she did it, she signed her name one letter at a time, using a different pen each time. she used 22 pens to sign her name. what is going on? did she get an endorsement deal with bic? it's hard to argue you're not enjoying the impeachment when you turn it into a calligraphy class all of a sudden. speaking of pelosi, she named impeachment managers including jerry nadler, adam schiff, and newly available red sox manager alex cora joined the team. they really want to win this. this is big stuff, only the third time in american history articles of impeachment have been sent to the senate, which means starting tuesday donald joanna trump will become the fir

jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, very nice. thanks for watching, thanks for coming. happy new year, everyone. relax, relax. back to work after two weeks off. for me this was the holiday which finally answered the question, which disney character of everyone i know and which house would they be in at hogwarts? we have a lot did discuss including "the bachelor." bachelor peter is here tonight. you know those people who resolve to exercise and eat healthy? you probably did. >> every year. >> jimmy: i didn't make a new year's resolution this year but my wife made new year's resolutions for me. she said, this year my new year's resolution for you is, and she went on to mention areas in which she would like me to improve. i didn't say anything. but that is allowed? [ laughter ] can you make a resolution for someone else? i don't think so. i think it's a self-only thing. it's like flossing, you don't floss with other people. you can, you just don't. if someone else makes it, i don't think it technically counts as a resolution. i think that's an intervention. there are no jo

jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hello. welcome. hi. i'm jimmy.m the host of the show. thank you so much. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate that. that's very kind. thank you for joining us on a holiday here in the united states. today in case you don't know is mlk day. it's a day on which we honor and remember the life and work of a great american, dr. martin luther king jr. many of our leaders today paid tribute to dr. king, including the president, who wrote "it was exactly three years ago today, january 20th, 2017, that i was sworn into office. so appropriate that today is also mlk jr. day." [ laughter ] is it, though? because i don't think it is. african-american unemployment is the lowest in the history of our country by far. also best poverty youth unemployment numbers ever. great! [ laughter ] that's right. martin luther king's dream that racism would one day become a relic of the past has one day been realized thanks to donald trump, the great uniter. let me tell you something. martin luther king had a dream. this

and now let's do this, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] oh, that's very kind. thank you. today is a day -- it's probably -- it's a day of much self-congratulation here in hollywood. it's oscar nomination day today. this morning the break of dawn the nominees for the 92nd annual academy awards were revealed. it was a big day for 1917. the year, not the movie. though the movie too. [ laughter ] 19 of the 20 acting nominees are white people. no women were nominated for best director. that's fewer minorities than in donald trump's cabinet. [ laughter ] the movie "cats" got shut out. so no cats were even nominated. actually, universal, the studio that made "cats," pulled the movie from oscar contention. which is always funny. they probably didn't need to do that. [ laughter ] that's like mike pence pulling out of contention for a soul train award. it's unnecessary. double congratulations to scarlett johansson who got her first and se

and now, here's your host, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much.everybody, wow. what a crowd [ cheers and applause please -- please, have a seat. thank you very much, everybody welcome. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show. you're here. [ cheers and applause you're watching. thank you for watching you guys, chadwick boseman is my guest tonight >> steve: oh [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: chadwick has been super busy he's promoting his new movie and he's been getting texts all day from trump about fleeing to wakanda. >> steve: oh [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, today was day three of the impeachment hearings, which means it was also the third day of americans turning on the tv to watch "ellen" and then screaming, "you got to be kidding me. come on. [ light laughter ] that's right, it was day three of the impeachment hearings and it was once again on every channel. on the bright side, after three days, the impeachment is already one of the longer running shows on network television [ laughter and applause three witnesses testified last week, f

and now, can you believe it, jimmy kimmel. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thank you.w are you? thanks, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. it's very nice. i appreciate that. and thank you for joining us on what is the second and final day of q and a at donald trump's first in a series of impeachment trials. captain coverup, mitch mcconnell's hoping to have it all wrapped up by tomorrow. mitch mcconnell has done everything he can to kill this, despite the fact that the majority of the country, 53% of americans say they are increasingly convinced that donald trump did something wrong. the poll was done by researchers at no-duh university. but the president's lawyers have argued that not only did he not do anything wrong he literally cannot do anything wrong. oj's guy, alan if he does something that he thinks will help him get elected, that could not result in impeachment. he's basically saying his reelection is in our best interest. by that logic, he could start eating bald eagles for breakfast saying i need my strength for the campaign t

the weekend. >> jimmy: wow.lause >> it's pretty big >> jimmy: it's a big job [ applause ] you are -- >> for me to ask other people for money is ridiculous. [ laughter ] i mean, let's get serious here also, i didn't take any money when i was running for mayor three times. i want people to understand that my integrity's everything you cannot buy me and people say, "well, if everybody just gives $1," but it just sets the right -- i think it sets the right tone to say i'm not taking anything from anybody, and unfortunately, the democratic party has rules you can't be in the debates unless you have $200 thousand or $2 million, whatever it is, donors, and i only have one donor, me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah >> if they were to change the rules, i'd love to debate. >> jimmy: yeah you would like to debate >> sure, why not >> jimmy: what >> i think it's a good chance to show the public that you can take the grief as well as give it out, and i think i have good answers to the kind of questions that reporters would ask yo

and now, you know what, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i am the host of the show you are watching. thank you for coming. we have a lot to get to tonight. magic johnson is here. first, i want to wish a happy birthday to our beloved security guard and friend and more friend than security guard. happy birthday guillermo. you turned how many years old yesterday? >> 49. >> jimmy: for the big one next year, i think we should go on a trip together, just the two of us, you know. maybe to venice or something. we can get one of those gondolas. >> italy. >> jimmy: that is a fantastic idea. think about where we want to go. we have a football pool at the office for the super bowl and we have the squares. i noticed one particular square signed guillermo r. i know there are other guillermos in the world but why the r? is there another guillermo i don't know about? not many people know about it. guillermo's last name is guillermo rock and roll, right. happy birthday guillermo. >> thank you. >> jimmy: keep rocking and rolling. in washington, the president's lawyers wrapped up their opening argument

on jimmy kimmel >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, margot robbie, governor john kasich, and music from white reaper. and now, with all due respect, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, how are you? happy holidays. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching, thanks for coming. i appreciate it. [cheers and applause] that's very nice. i can feel the holiday spirit. christmas is coming, whether we're ready for it or not. last night in washington nancy pelosi roasted the president's chestnuts pretty good [cheers and applause] democrats in the house made donald trump only the third person, president ever to be impeached. this morning he woke up on the floor next to his tanning bed and tweeted the words "i got impeached last might." yes, and our long national mightmare continues. not a single republican voted for impeachment, which means they either really like donald trump or really hate mike pence. but the debate went on well into the night. trump was in battle creek, michigan when the vote happened,

and now, settle down, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice. thank you.elcome. i'm your host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. oh, boy, i appreciate that. what a ridiculous time it is to be alive. huh? i have a thought. what if we just skip 2020 all together and get right to 2021. we move the clock forward, why not move the calendar forward a year? we miss the olympics and maybe the sequel to "top gun." so what? here's something i realized over this break. kids don't know there's money anymore. they've seen it, but they don't know what it's for, because we buy everything on the phone and the computer. they don't see anything change hands. they just see hands. my daughter is 5 years old, she's playing with my ipad, and these criminals who make these apps for kids. it's not enough you pay for the app. they have add-ons, too. it's a never-ending money hole. if you want the puppy to have a pink hat, it's an extra $2.99. not only do they have add-ons but a monthly charge. if your kid's in the middle of a game and they want to keep goin

game over, jimmy thought.olitary now the everyday he needed and his freedom could be lost, too. here with the conclusion of our story is leicester holt. >>> larry beaumont successfully snuck informant jimmy keene into springfield prison in 1998. he just didn't expect to lose him there. >> goes off your radar. >> yeah, disappeared. couple weeks we didn't know what happened to him, trying to find out, we were getting frantic. >> two weeks later, only after keene's psychiatrist returned from vacation did they finally find jimmy. >> i knew the fbi was there, and she kept apologizing, kept saying i am really sorry, something happened with the message. >> at last, investigators got to search the woodshop and hall's cell, but by then, the map and falcons, items jimmy believed could lead to tricia, were gone. >> what were you thinking telling larry hall you're out of here and dressing him down? >> you know people wouldn't understand the mounting pressure, that kettle is ready to boil over at any time, you know, and it

jimmy: really? >> yeah. smoke of anything in 20 years, haven't had a drink in 20 years, but i started very early. i'm from san diego. and when i was 11 my father lived in cerritos, up here in l.a. we would spend the summersitm. w hhe would go to work, 11 years his toyota i would drive around cerritos in my father's toyota carona, only making le afraid to make left turns. can you imagine looking over and seeing, at a stoplight. >> jimmy:wo children. >> two children behind the wheel of a car. >> jimmy: but that's the kind of things that happen in the ao square. it's a local joke. >> a local joke. hal worthington and all of that. that's all ofhe cers.tori >> jimmy: you did both roles. d this great united states of america about 50 times, back and forth. >> jimmy: wow. >> my brother-in-law used to -- how long is this ow? my brother-in-law used to flip expensive cars. this isetnd benwe82 that i worked for him.ld dri ts ar catlanta where we living, ths a lot of geographical stuff. >> jimmy: so that childhood exper

. >> jimmy: okay, yeah >> yeah. >> jimmy: so it's like binge watching on netflix. >> it's exactly like that. >> jimmy: okay, perfect. >> so you come -- so you, like, come watch season one. if you like it, then you can come back and watch season two >> pay your subscription to season two >> yeah, exactly >> one of the things that happened to us in london is that people would come see part one and there would be a part two later that night and after part one was over, there'd be a line at the box office of people wanting to get tickets to part two that night so we are very confident that if you just buy a ticket to part one that we are not going to have any trouble selling you a ticket to part two >> jimmy: yeah, yeah it's that great. and the cast is that great and you are fantastic. but i mean - >> aw, thanks. >> jimmy: you love every performance. everyone, you kind of feel like you get to know them by the first three hours. >> yeah, i'd never read a play like it. it's fully fleshed out characters that are completely three-dimensional and hilarious. >> jimmy: it's funny >> and heart-bre

jimmy carter was born october 1, 1924 in georgia. he is the first president ever born in the hospital because his mother was a kind of itinerant nurse and he was able to be born in a hospital for the first time in american history. jimmy carter went to plains high school and went on to the u.s. naval academy, which had been his dream ever since he was a boy. and then he was commissioned into the navy and accepted in the nuclear submarine program , and then in 1953, his father james earl carter senior succumbed to his two pack a day habit and jimmy carter was granted leave to go back to plains and attend his father's bedside. that was for him a regulatory moment because he saw what his father's life that meant to so many people, things he didn't know about his father. the time for example that he provided money to the family so they could buy new clothes to celebrate their daughter's graduation from high school, something they couldn't have afforded to do other times. s he carried peoples' mortgages when they were too poor and too str

jimmy carter will test you on carter this. how many people here could tell me what lyndon johnson's religious affiliation was? rare it's disciples of christ. most people say bad just. most people don't know that butost people say baptist most people don't know that because it wasn't part of the conversation. in a backhanded way i think that we americans want to have nixon reintroduces it, because when 1976 campaign rolls around, we americans want to have some sort of a sense of a candidate's moral compass because we lived through the debacle of the nixon presidency, and that question has persisted. it's dying away now. i think the farther we get from nixon, the less salient that particular question is in presidential politics, but one that the problems of that question is that we don't know how to ask the question. we want to know are the candidates we vote for for president are they morally reliable, that is due they have a moral compass? we don't know how to ask the question. the only way we know how to ask is to say, are yo