and now, jimmy kimmel! >> hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. it's a half holiday work. we're half at work. our president was half at work. "punxsudonny phil" emerged from his hole for not one, but two public appearances today. trump gave a 64 second-long press conference. came in, bragged about the stock market, got right out of there. [ laughter ] and they say -- this was trump's shortest appearance in the briefing room ever. he didn't take questions from the reporters. but he did do his ceremonial duty in the rose garden, that's right, for the annual pardon of the white house turkey. >> i hereby grant you a full and complete pardon. >> wow! all the networks! we have to forget about the law! judges don't count! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: enjoy your nightmares. it's the first turkey balesed with grecian formula. [ laughter ] trump did things a little differently this year. instead of the usual pardon, they did a prisoner exchange. we pardoned two of theirs, they sent us two of ours. smart. why let the turkeys go for nothing? just so th

>> jimmy: no >> no. >> jimmy: no i would not have. >> fantastic >> jimmy: okay, this is my turn readyich are too rich." >> what? >> jimmy: "we need bigger middle class." >> oh, bernie sanders. >> jimmy: yes. [ bell rings ] yes. "raise the ball, put the ball in the basket, chief." >> oh, it's jack nicholson >> jimmy: yes. [ bell rings ] okay, very good. uh, okay oh, gosh "i'm a comedian, but i talk like this sometimes. what, how do we see a doctor, but a doctor couldn't see a patient. >> oh, god >> jimmy: "a patient couldn't see a doctor, but the doc --" or something like that no okay, pass john mulaney this guy talks like that he gets very dark like that. and then gets loud he talks like that "batman! he was does that thing - [ inhales -- and then he gets really screwed up on -- [ inhales -- huffing kids. [ buzzer ] [ buzzer ] [ laughter ] don't give me two buzzes how rude >> you go -- [ mimics jimmy ] >> jimmy: no >> i did not know. >> jimmy: wasn't he in "cider house rules. "all you kids get to bed now you -- >> michael caine >> jimmy: "that's how -- [ indiscenable ] of course -- he

crew, and now here he is, jimmy fallon ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: hello.nk you very much. thank you, roots ♪ oh, please, thank you very much welcome to the show, everybody thank you. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show. [ cheers and applause let me start by wishing everyone a very happy thanksgiving yeah [ cheers and applause that's right, we made it through thanksgiving, and if your guests are still over, just remind them they shouldn't have been there in the first place. [ laughter ] this is a very different thanksgiving we all had to worry about whether our lives are at stake in response, the turkeys were like "oh, that must have been so hard for you. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i spent the day watching a lot of thanksgiving stuff on tv. there was the "macy's thanksgiving parade" that we were in. that's right [ cheers and applause "charlie brown thanksgiving" and over on netflix, my new favorite, "the queen's giblet. [ laughter ] yeah, today was thanksgiving it was a big day for that one serving tray everyone owns that has the word "thankful,"

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: here i am. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thanks for being awake. yet another day of "electile dysfunction" in washington, d.c. this is day 13 of "squattergate." president donald is still in denial, still refusing to cooperate. he spent the weekend rage-tweeting about how the election was rigged. but i feel like he may be coming around. last night he tweeted that he won the election in all caps. "i won the election." but this morning he backed off a little bit. he tweeted it in lower, sentence case. that's as close as trump is gonna get to making a concession speech. he's like a kid slowly realizing nobody's coming to his birthday party. we should never have given him that diet coke button! that's hard to give up. this had to put a little crinkle in his tin foil hat. the department of homeland security's cybersecurity and infrastructure security agency -- this is one of trump's own cabinet agencies, put out a statement debunking his claims of widespread fraud. they wrote, "the november 3rd election was

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: the host. thanks for watching. thanks for sharing a piece of your life. we have so many important things to get to, including "people's" sexiest man alive, waiting in the wings. [ cheers and applause ] identity top secret. we all had to sign nondisclosure agreements to do this. if anyone lets anything slip, we all go to jail. [ laughter ] first i want to update you on day 14 of the hashtag heard around the world, squattergate. [ applause ] the president-reject is whining in the west wing. he has canceled his plans to travel to mar-a-lago for thanksgiving, he seems to be showing no sign that he's ready to leave the white house. in fact, we hardly see him at all anymore. he's not appeared in public since friday. and has been seen rarely since election day. and that might have something to do with his hair. [ laughter ] maybe you saw this over the weekend. briefly over the weekend people started to notice that his hair is suddenly now white, it's completely white. the carpet now matches the supremacy. [ laughter and a

>> jimmy: you look great >> i'm outside, jimmy.. what are we doing? >> jimmy: i love that you're outside. i would do the same thing. i would do the same thing. >> i tell you, i miss something though - i don't know how you are handling this. but one of the things i used to enjoy about doing the show is in the dressing room you had the nice cookies and maybe a a t-shirt. now are they being sent to me? because that's one of the reasons -- it is not the only reason i do it but am i getting the cookies >> jimmy: of course you are. >> thank you because, i don't know how this is going to go without the cookies. i like to be jammed on sugar every time i talk to you so i can keep up. >> jimmy: well, marc, it's been a long week for everybody. but you -- >> oh my god, thank god! right. i mean, jeez. i thought i was going to have to leave the country, and that's not easy now. i had a big plan if you want to get out, you can't. you know because, we're plague infected pig people, who can't behave like responsible adults. you can't even go to ano

and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's me, hi. hello, i'm jimmy, the host. thanks for watching thanks for -- we've got a big show for you tonight. a very, very special guest. you know joe biden in this guy used to be his boss. [ laughter ] so the former president of the united states, barack obama, will join us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's fired up. he's ready to go. are you fired up, guillermo? >> guillermo: i'm ready, jimmy, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is the perimeter secure? >> guillermo: clear, jimmy, code four. >> jimmy: my secret surveyso over here. [ laughter ] day 16 of squattergate. the bad president has no public events on his schedule but he is busy cooking up all manner of evil schemes. this really is getting scary. all jokes aside, it's become very clear he's trying to cut the voters out of voting. he lost the election. he's 6 million votes behind. it's not even close, that's a lot of votes. now he's doing what he does, he's abusing the system to try to steal this election he claims has been stolen from him

jimmy: yes. lemonis: okay. all right. jimmy: i appreciate everything.lemonis: i'm on my way back, and i'm really excited to see what kind of progress they've made in the week since i've been gone. this is painted. this looks good. i'm impressed with what i'm seeing so far. the outside is really coming together. ♪ it looks different. dante: yeah. lemonis: it looks good. it looks lighter and brighter. joe: big difference, right? lemonis: did you guys redo this? joe: yeah. lemonis: this lip is gonna be a problem. you're not gonna be able to sit here, and you can see it from the side. if i want to pull up my seat, i've got nowhere to go with my legs. dante: okay. lemonis: so we need a new bar put in, a new counter. oh, my gosh. i didn't expect to walk in to this. not as much progress that i had hoped. and it looks a little haphazard. the outside looks infinitely better. how do you feel about it? dante: i feel awesome about it. lemonis: but what's happened in here besides nothing? dante: well, today the equipment people are coming. they're swapping out equip

says bracelet for jimmy. >> jimmy: bracelet for jimmy so good.jimmy felt boring, so that is the bracelet that's for you. >> jimmy: look at this guy >> you can always wear your bracelet for jimmy >> jimmy: look at that bracelet for jimmy >> it's so stupid. >> jimmy: it's so good cutting off my circulation, so i have, like, a dead hand now. >> okay good that was the intention if you need to get your blood drawn or anything, you can use it as a tourniquet [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i might actually you never know in quarantine, have you got hooked on any new shows? what have you been doing what have you been watching? tell me. >> i watched a lot of shows. i hear that "the queen's gambit" is very good, and i have not watched that yet, but -- >> jimmy: me neither i tried a little bit >> you did what happened? >> jimmy: well i thought it was going to be about royals or something. that type of queen >> it's about chess. >> jimmy: yeah >> right >> jimmy: yeah >> oh, somebody doesn't like chess. >> jimmy: it's not that i don't like chess i just don't know if

jimmy: oh, hey.nk you very much! oh thank you! thank you very much. oh, thank you very much. i appreciate it. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show" coming to you live here. [ applause ] let's get to the news and jokes. well, guys, in public president trump hasn't given up on the election, but the big story is in private he's been telling people he wants to start his own right wing conservative media network to take on fox news [ laughter ] finally, a chance to hear what trump has to say [ laughter ] yeah, trump wants to take on fox news let me just say, good luck trying to replicate the electricity that is neil cavuto. [ laughter ] seriously, you're going to try to beat this lou dobbs bit >> the caravan of mostly central american immigrants is now in the mexican city of [ mumbles ] tonight. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: good luck. good luck. well this is fun, the trump network already has the catchy slogan, "even fairer and more balanced-er. [ laughter ] that's right trump will base his new networ

>> jimmy: no, i mean - i loved it but im just - ♪ >> tariq: jimmy -- jimmy!> jimmy: yeah >> tariq: see you on stage, man. ♪ >> jimmy: green one eats fast. blue one eats fast green one eats faster. ♪ [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight join jimmy and his guests - whoopi goldberg -- emma corrin -- musical guest dierks bentley - and featuring the legendary roots crew and now here he is, jimmy fallon ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank you very much, everyone welcome, please. thank you so much for being here we are coming at you live from new york city right now. everybody, come on welcome to "the tonight show"! let's get to the news and jokes. well guys, everyone is talking about this today twitter officially launched a new feature where your tweets disappear after 24 hours called fleets come on, twitter, you wait until trump is leaving, then introduce disappearing tweets. twitter was like, "we solved our biggest problem. people

should i say "jimmy." >> jimmy: no, you should just say jimmy. i'm jimmy. oh, yeah? are you really jimmy? or are you a hyperrealistic, three-dimensional hologram created by the gay illuminati? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, i'm just jimmy. even if there was a gay illuminati, why would they make a hologram of me? what good would that do? >> yeah, i don't know. i'm just ripping. just coming up with stuff. but there's something there. hang on, let me write that down. gay hologram jimmy. i don't hate it. >> jimmy: listen, eric, you are the one who comes up with these, shall we say, colorful conspiracy theories? >> well, not as much as i used to, actually. because i'm the head guy now. i don't get to write as much. which really sucks because my staff is giving me a bunch of crap. >> jimmy: well, why are they giving you crap? >> you know these millennials. they're so lazy. >> jimmy: oh, that kind of crap. >> yeah, look at this one here. this one just got sent to me today. mailiens -- what am i supposed to do with this? >> jimmy: outlandish. >> first of all, nectarine

the legendary roots crew and now here he is, jimmy fallon ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank youy much, hello. thank you. thank you very much. thank you very much. oh, wow. that is a friday crowd right there. hey, welcome everybody welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show. [ cheers and applause thank you so much for watching well, let's get to the news and jokes. guys, everyone is still talking about rudy giuliani's press conference and i mean, by now, we've all seen what happened with the hair dye, which is still insane i still can't believe that, that was real, but it was real but something you might have missed was what he did with his handkerchief and this, just watch this [ audience ohs ] >> that is true. it is somehow related to this, but i do not know whether good guys got it or bad guys got it >> i don't know -- [ talking over each other >> jimmy: oh my gosh >> i can only hear one person at the time. >> jimmy: oh my. [ laughter ] wow. i think rudy's trying to single handedly trying to start covid-20 [ light laughter ] seriously, when it saw that clip, even covid-19

jimmy: no. dante: no.a big believer that, in business, consumers will rally around a cause or a story or some personal connection they have. people like to do business with people. it's okay that you amplify who you are. that's how i make a connection with you. you've really been a mother and a father for... jimmy: for 19 years now. ♪ lemonis: you have the financials that we can look at? jimmy: yeah, yeah. lemonis: wanna go get them? jimmy: yeah, sure. lemonis: are these the books? dante: yeah. keep track of how much cash, how much was on credit cards. lemonis: this does not look like a financial statement. this looks like a bookie... jimmy: yeah, i understand what you're saying, yeah. lemonis: like, this is how a bookie keeps numbers. jimmy: we don't have it printed out. lemonis: so how much did it do last year in revenue? dante: uh, about, like, 460 -- lemonis: no, no. i don't want an "about." i want the exact number. dante: um... lemonis: can you guys add it up? jimmy: he's just busting our balls now, i

. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: wow. you very much. oh, my goodness. thank you, guys. oh, looking good oh, thank you very much. welcome to "the tonight show everybody. it is wednesday, november 18th and we are having a pajama party here in studio 6a. it's the first ever "tonight show" p'jimmy jammy jam. [ cheers and applause hopefully everyone at home is in their pajamas right now just turn the tv up and let's have fun it's going to be a great night i teamed up with alex mill to make what i think are the coolest pajamas on the planet. not only are they cool, but they have pockets. [ laughter ] but also, 100% of the net proceeds go to feeding america [ cheers and applause which is an amazing organization that has a network of over 200 food banks and 60,000 food pantries and meal programs around the country. feeds over 46 million people each year. so when you buy these p'jimmies, not only are they a a great gift, but you're also feeding a family [ cheers and applause more details on this later bubt they are officially avai

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: that's me. wow. thank you, i'm jimmy. thank, i'm the host of the show. please stay calm, the process is working. we just have to be patient. thank you for joining us after yet another big day, another stressful day. can't one day this year be boring? they're still counting the votes, whether donald trump likes it or not. it would appear our burger king has been flame broiled for good. we are watching a presidency bleed out in realtime. they're in all caps mode at the white. 9:12 this morning the soon to be former president tweeted, stop the count! i guess nobody listened because half an hour later he retweeted, stop the count! why are they still counting? i tweeted stop. he also wrote, stop the fraud, which should have been a note to self. there was so much false propaganda coming out of twitterler's bunker. any vote that came in after election day will not be counted. the plane's going down and all he can do is keep hitting the call button to get the flight attendant to bring him another diet coke. by the way, a lot of b

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: oh, that's me. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining outside cma night. a special hello to those keeping the party going after the cmas tonight. we have something fun with chris stapleton later on. [ cheers and applause ] and he's going to join us tomorrow night. best wishes to our veterans on veterans day. thank you for your service. and sacrifice. [ cheers and applause ] i hope you felt appreciated today because you are, by us, at least. our president, donald trump -- this kind of tells you all you need to know about him. this is joe biden's first tweet of the day. today we honor the service of those who have worn the uniform of the armed forces of the united states who are proud veterans. i will be a commander in chief who respects your sacrifice, understands your service, and will never betray the values you fought so bravely to drend. and this was donald trump's first tweet today. we will win. actually, it was a retweet of himself. [ laughter ] it's hard to believe that in 75 short year

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you. i'm jimmy, the host. thank you for joining us on another weird day in america. here's a question. we sure donald trump isn't just stuck in a white house bathtub, too embarrassed to call for help? [ laughter ] the potus refused to go-tus. he still won't concede to joe biden, and by all accounts he has no plans to do so any time soon. it's very strange. we're basically ignoring the president of the united states like he's a crazy guy on a subway platform. he's ranting and rave and we just raise the volume on our airpods and hope he doesn't shove us into an oncoming train. [ laughter ] even with all this tension, trump has not lost his sense of humor. for instance, this morning he tweeted, "we will win." [ laughter ] which is funny. we have a reality show host who will not accept reality. how pleased with himself is vladimir putin right now? that 2 million rubles or whatever he put into interfering in the election in 2016? what a payoff. might be the greatest investment of all time. it's like he hit the dest

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thank you for joining us on day 15 of squattergate. he's still in there, we think. [ laughter ] big baby bone spurs is digging in like a tick in your stomach. he is hunkered down in the west wing. he canceled his thanksgiving trip to mar-a-lago. and according to one official, there is a bunker mentality in the white house. somewhere between archie and hitler. [ laughter ] and ever since he didn't lose the election, trump is said to be in a dark mood. which is a shame. he was such a positive dude before this. [ laughter ] what he's doing in the white house, nobody knows. he's been tweeting, we do know that. sometimes he leaves to play golf. and that seems to be it, which is weird, because it almost seems hypocritical coming from the guy who likes to say this. >> these people do nothing. they talk a big game and they do nothing. they've done nothing, they do nothing. i see these phoneys, the do-nothing democrats. they keep talking, they do nothing about it, they do

hello. >> jimmy: six feet six feet >> six feet. >> jimmy: six jimmy feet strahan feet - >> strahan feetying a a round with michael strahan." ♪ >> jimmy: here's how this works. during our interview we're going to play three holes of golf but we're going to raise the stakes a little bit. at the start of every hole, we're given a challenge that we have to do while we're playing and if you lose the hole, there will be a consequence at the end. >> oh, boy >> jimmy: now before we begin, i want to talk about your clothing line and how you've expanded it now. talk to me about that. >> we're in men's warehouse now, which is an amazing, amazing partnership with them, and menswarehouse.com. and we have our collection, which is suits and ties and all these different things but we're adapting to the times now because most people go to work they're not sitting around in a suit and tie they're on a zoom call or something like that, so we're adapting to the new normal, which is more casual wear for work >> jimmy: also in honor of veterans day, you're doing something really cool. >> yeah. >> jimmy: can

. >> jimmy: right.[ laughter ] very interesting. boy, you really -- that one came out of nowhere, didn't it? i'm so curious. i'd love to know all the backstory on that whole thing. i'd love to know how the call was made. i want to know -- if it's going to pick up from here? maybe -- it's kind of like "lost" really in a way. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you've dabbled in "lost" territory here. >> yes, 17 seasons we've dabbled in everything there is to dabble. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not since mcsteamy fractured his penis have we seen anything that shocking on the show. remember that one where you carried a penis around the whole episode in a cooler? >> yes, yes. there was a big fight -- i may be butchering the story but there was a big fight. because with standards of practices, which i'm sure you deal with on occasion. >> jimmy: yes. >> you know, you can say penis. but you couldn't say vagina at the time. >> jimmy: what? >> and that's why -- oh, yeah, no. i'm getting it right, my memory's better than i think somet

oh, jimmy, you can have it, go ♪ >> jimmy: it's "say so." >> that one. >> jimmy: oh yeah, "say so." [t like - >> questlove: day to night to morning. >> jimmy: yeah, i know but this is like a weird person leaving a cryptic voice mail like on a a "dateline" episode >> it is very scary. >> jimmy: doesn't sound like a -- >> questlove: like it's not easy, right? >> i would be calling the police >> jimmy: it is -- you're scaring me you're going like, "didn't even notice --" you sound like a speak and spell. [ laughter ] >> questlove: a-e-i-o-u. >> yes, it is. >> jimmy: "the cow says moo. all right. this is kaley's turn quest, give us another one here we go >> questlove: our whole universe was in a hot dense state. for nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started. >> does it go "expansion started, wait. >> questlove: wait >> "big bang theory, baby. [ bell rings ] ♪ >> jimmy: ah, come on! no, come on. okay this better be "the tonight show" theme. it's both of our turns for this final round. tied right here ooh, this is a close game right here >> ooh, this is -- wow, it is. >> jimmy: whoever

>> yes, sir. >> jimmy: set, go. ♪ >> jimmy: what is up, man!seems a bit premordial. >> jimmy: here we go on your mark, get set, go. ♪ that one went backward oh, my gosh! oh, my gosh! dude, what is happening? grandpa's got to get back out on the scene this is like old timer's day at the ballpark can we have a replay of that, just so post can see the magic of this? watch this gem boing. enjoy that cold beverage, my friend cheers >> cheers, jim >> jimmy: cheers, bud. >> never have i ever put a a finger down if you've done the deed first person with all fingers down loses >> jimmy: three fingers up i will start never have i ever. lost $1,000 on a bet >> specifically $1,000 >> jimmy: in that ballpark >> over. >> jimmy: over >> yeah, i've made some dumb bets in my life. >> jimmy: i'm going to say $10,000. >> let's do $10,000, too >> jimmy: you've got to put a finger down, oh, my gosh now you ask. >> never have i ever taken the postal exam as a career fallback >> jimmy: you sadly know too much about me. my parents really believed in my comedy career a

fox [ laughter ] >> jimmy: michael, eh? >> michael a. fox. >> jimmy: fox, eh?d get crushed. >> yeah. so changed it to michael j. because of the actor, michael j. pollard, who was in "bonnie and clyde. it was just cool he's kind of a rubber-faced character actor. and he's brilliant and so, i named it after him >> jimmy: i remember my sister was like, and her friends were like, "oh, he actually is michael a. fox because he is a a fox. he's such a fox. he is so foxy. that is how i remember that, bud. speaking of foxy by the way, look at foxy over here but then, look at this look at that teen beat guy come on. he is foxy and yet, he's got a a lot of thoughts. he has got a lot of thoughts >> he's a thinking man he's a thinking man the heat coming off the palm of that hand [ laughter ] it's shooting up the arm it's magic >> jimmy: hey, you know the book has so many stories in it but also it has -- it talks about the michael j. fox foundation and what you have done for parkinson's research. i got to say, over $1 billion you've raised. >> yeah. i think in 20 years we'v

i won. >> jimmy: what no, you didn't look at the score. >> stop the count. >> jimmy: we did stop the count. and i won. >> keep counting >> jimmy: i don't need to. look at the scoreboard >> we're demanding a recount, folks. can you can believe this i am being totally cheated everyone agrees. i'm in the process of suing playstation right now. >> jimmy: president trump? >> fake news >> jimmy: oh, come on. just admit you lost so we can all move on. besides, don't you have more important things to do -- video games? >> i ask you the same thing. >> jimmy: oh, it's time for the show i go to go >> hey, dad, can i play? >> get out of here, eric >> i'm don jr. ♪ >> steve: from in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests - chance the rapper, erin andrews musical guest g herbo and chance the rapper. and featuring the legendary roots crew and now, here he is, jimmy fallon ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: hey, thank you hello, and welcome thank you very much. please that is so nice. oh, my goodness! oh, tha

you guys >> jimmy: right? were you nervous you were kids. >> totally i completely remember. i remember that sweatshirt, it became such a big deal mark-paul, were you nervous? >> i didn't have a resume of people i had kissed up until that point so one of my very first kisses was on miss bliss with stevie the rock star. so you might have been, like, my second kiss so i was probably nervous. you want to make sure you're doing it right, and that you are not being offensive with your breath or some other things that might pop up >> you were a total gentleman. you still are. you always have been >> always. >> i made sure i was wearing two-ply underwear at that -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. tmi, tmi this last one, we have to end with the all-time classic, elizabeth. dave, can we roll the clip >> oh, no. >> i'm so excited! i'm so excited i'm so excited i'm so scared. >> jimmy: oh, no so scared. elizabeth. >> jessie spano. >> i know, jessie spano. did you have any idea that this moment would be one of the most b

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on week three of our election night coverage. it is now day 20 of squattergate. and we still haven't seen the president concede. we've barely even seen the president. on saturday, they had a virtual g-20 summit with leaders from 19 other countries. instead of participating, trump was busy tweeting. thirteen minutes into the summit, he took a break to write, "the fake news is not talking about the fact that 'covid,' in quotes for no reason, is running wild all over the world, not just in the u.s. i was at the virtual g-20 meeting early this morning and the biggest subject was covid." yeah, no kidding. saying covid is the biggest topic at the g-20 is like saying, "i was at the oscars, and the big subject was movies." and then, he skipped the session devoted to pandemic response to play golf again. there's the caravan of carts. and there he is, ain't-doin', jack nicklaus. as graceful as a dumptruck. he golfed on saturday and sunday this we

> jimmy: he's an actor.my: my father. >> oh, wow this has gotten really emotional. >> jimmy: my father. >> let's just take a moment. let's -- >> jimmy: i was swallowing my words. ♪ [ applause ] my father. >> did he really do that >> jimmy: and my dad my dad, his grapes - >> did that disturb you as a a child? >> jimmy: no, i'm fine talking about it >> okay. >> jimmy: anyway, my dad microwaves grapes. >> that was chill, man that was a chill answer. >> jimmy: it is time for the final round. in this round, we'll both pick up a card with the same set of questions. we'll ask and answer them one at a time going back and forth we'll go fast in this one, ready? >> all right >> jimmy: all right? here we go i will go first. one, two -- where do bagels come from? >> the bread [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the bread. >> what's your new nickname? >> jimmy: scoopy g >> scoopy g. that's my dog. >> jimmy: why didn't we invite erica? >> because, man, you know, she just has a hard time getting home after, i guess. why aren't you wear

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. hi, there. thank you very much. i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for watching. we have a lot of dumb stuff going on here tonight. [ laughter ] behind the scenes. but thanks for joining us for day nine of "squattergate," or "reality is starting to peek through the windows of the white house." the president might be going down with the ship but many of the rats are putting their little bathing suits on. amid increasing skepticism that their boss will be able to pull another rabbit out of his maga hat. one reason trump's advisors are so worried he might not be able to win is because he lost. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and those don't go together. but i'll tell you something. there's no room for pessimism in the white house. racyism, sexism, yes, but no pessimism. [ laughter ] the big orange guy is said to be feeling blue. "poutus" is reportedly dejected and fuming. and soon he's going to understand what it feels like to be evicted from your home in the middle of a pandemic. [ laughter ] we got a brief glimpse

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hello, hi. hi, everyone. thank you, thank you. greetings, fellow americans. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i'm happy to be here. for me and i'm sure for many of you the past 24 hours have been a "pollercoaster" of emotions and nausea. [ laughter ] i thought if your election lasted more than 48 hours, you were supposed to seek medical attention. [ laughter ] we didn't get a winner last night and it was a long night. one good thing about the pandemic, we're used to waiting a talk days for results. this was not the landslide democrats were hoping for. this race was closer than donald and ivanka at a father-daughter dance. [ laughter and applause ] the ballots are still being counted. joe biden definitely did better than hillary clinton. he was able to pick up the sexist vote but he didn't do as well among racists. [ laughter ] even though the deal appears to be sealed, there's still a lot of attention being paid to the state of pennsylvania. the amish haven't wielded this much power since they figured out how to hook a plow to

she offered it, jimmy. a big boy now, you don't do that, come on, man. you're 50. >> yes >> jimmy: that's amazing you look fantastic 50 years old >> thank you babe. well, you know, black don't crack. it does chip a little bit though, and it starts to rot on the inside >> jimmy: wait, i have to talk about this, you did something very big recently, i think like around two weeks ago [ laughter ] i have to talk about it. can we >> yeah, let's talk about it you know what, i went and had -- because i turned 50, i went and had a colonoscopy done, it was that time. >> jimmy: yeah >> you know, i had been getting the psa, the blood test done up until then but turning 50, and i should actually had this procedure done when i was 45, so i'm a a little late to the game. but i wanted to document it to take the stigma off of getting a colonoscopy, especially for men of color, to go in and get this checked out >> jimmy: what is it like? what do you do what is it like? >> you know what, man, they give you - you change your d

>> jimmy: yeah >> yeah, me, too >> jimmy: yeah loved it.y movie -- we were watching gangster movies, didn't know what they were >> would your dad go around the house saying "you dirty rat? >> jimmy: yeah, that was my first impression i swear i'll get it next time your on. i'm going to play it for you i was probably two-years-old, i said, "you dirty rat." >> it's so good. would you go to school and say that to people, and they were like, "where is this guy coming from?" >> jimmy: i was doing like don ho impressions like, no one -- >> you were singing "tiny bubbles" >> jimmy: i said aloha that was my jam. no, that wasn't the opener nor was it a closer. but it was somewhere in the act. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i want to talk about "freaky. >> yes alright, let's talk about "freaky," your new movie, when we come back more with vince vaughn, everybody. ♪ ♪ hey baby, hey, hey ♪ you got me feelin' punchdrunk crazy, so crazy ♪ ♪ it's everything i want, now maybe, ooh, ooh, ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ can we do it again? ♪ your blessing's all i ever wanted ♪ ♪ i'm stre

>> jimmy: all right.d. >> jimmy: next up. >> jules you give that nirod1500 and i will shoot him on general principal. >> no i didn't say that either. >> jimmy: okay, did he say that? >> jules, you give that nimrod1500, and i will shoot him on general principal. >> jimmy: another john entirely. you are catching up. >> i had a great pair of hands. >> that is definitely me. >> jimmy: that's definitely you. >> i had a great pair of hands. >> jimmy: that is you indeed. john lithgow, that is his book. "trumpty dumpty wanted a crown: thank you for being with us, john. >> i'm so glad i was here with all of you. >> jimmy: we are glad you were too. be right back with freddie highmore. ♪ ♪ ♪ it's still warm. ♪ thanks, alice says hi. for some of us, our daily journey is a short one. save 50% when you pay per mile with allstate. pay less, when you drive less. you've never been in better hands. allstate. click or call for a quote today. ....how to ensure your vote counts......because of covid-19 presidential election,

right now on jimmy >>> jimmy, thank you for everything, jimmy. thank you for everything, and i was recently honored to receive the coalition's endorsement, and i want to thank you, you're really amazing. thank you. and a tough guy and a good guy. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, taraji p. henson. luke combs. and music from nathaniel rateliff. and now jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone, thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host, thank you for watching. i tell you what, it took almost the whole four years, but donald trump finally got a massive crowd to cheer him outside the white house. congratulations to him. what a weekend. people were dancing in the streets like ewoks after they blew up the death star. darth tax evader has been toppled. and america responded with a dance party. ♪ ♪ young man, there's no need to feel down ♪ ♪ i said young man, pick yourself off the ground ♪ ♪ i said young man, because you're in a new town ♪ ♪ there's no need to be unhappy, it's fun to stay at the ymca ♪ ♪ it's fun to stay at the ymca, they

>> oh, yeah, big time. >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. >> this is better than - >> jimmy: jimmy fallon worksyeah they don't call me the jimmy fallon of maple -- what was the first one? >> tariq: maple grove. >> jimmy: maple grove. we can just show that first one more time, real quick. [ laughter ] >> we can have a donation box or a sign with instructions where people can give money to the toy drive. i'll host, of course they don't call me the jimmy fallon of maple grove for nothing. [ laughter ] >> tariq: she gave a little -- >> jimmy: yeah, a little shimmy on that one. i loved it, man. i have them all on dvr because i want to make sure that i -- i watch them in blocks i can't -- but anyways they hinted that there is another one coming up on friday called "dear christmas." i don't flow where it is it's like easter eggs. so if you watch the thing -- if you wait around, once you hear my name -- i don't know, again, if it's good or bad. >> tariq: make everyone do it. everybody do it. >> you need some sort of challenge. >> jimmy: yeah >> questlove: if folks are able to string together an actual

keep up the great work and looking forward to you getting a nap in, buddy. >> thanks, jimmy. >> jimmyund we made usaa insurance for members like martin. an air force veteran made of doing what's right, not what's easy. so when a hailstorm hit, usaa reached out before he could even inspect the damage. that's how you do it right. usaa insurance is made just the way martin's family needs it with hassle-free claims, he got paid before his neighbor even got started. because doing right by our members, that's what's right. usaa. what you're made of, we're made for. ♪ usaa ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: performing "say peace" from his new album "a beautful revolution pt. 1," here's common featuring black thought and pj [ cheers and applause ♪ >> yeah. yo, we comin' live for "the tonight show." jimmy fallon, we come in peace, y'all. ♪ say peace we don't really want no trouble ♪ ♪ no troubl tell m is you down ♪ ♪ with the struggle with the struggl all they really wanna do ♪ ♪ is cuff y they don't love ya n say peace ♪ ♪ peace peace we don't really want no trouble ♪ ♪ no troubl no trouble te

>> i love it. >> is jimmy carter going to lose this election?> [indiscernible] regardless of who wins tonight if president ford is reelected, if jimmy carter is elected, the american people express themselves today and turned out in large numbers. that is the big story. >> we have been through this for the last couple of years, the fight between big government and view the individual, and returning the country to the american people at this is what president ford is, the american people. [applause] ♪ >> john chancellor of nbc news looks at the remaining states. remaining, california with 45 electoral votes, oregon has six, but carter is behind in oregon. south dakota as four, that is not enough. has four, that is not enough. mississippi has seven. raceis a very complicated in mississippi. it jimmy carter as i had. ♪ carter of the state of georgia are -- georgia elected the next president of the united states. we base that on our projection that carter wins mississippi, seven electoral votes which gives him the total of 272 electoral votes in thi

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm the host jimmy. thanks for watching.nks for sharing a piece of your life. we have so many important things to get to, including "people's" sexiest man alive, waiting in the wings. identity top secret. we all had to sign nondisclosure agreements to do this. if anyone lets anything slip, we all go to jail. day 14 of the hashtag heard around the world,

for what is going on. >> jimmy carter, the election of jimmy carter, has produced -- this is terriblybolically and otherwise in the united states. one could almost say that it is like the finishing chapter of the civil war. that is put a little strongly, but metaphorically, perhaps there is something to be said for that. as we pointed out, he was governor. this perhaps starts something new. we have not had a governor elected as president since franklin roosevelt in 1932, had not had a candidate of a major party since adlai stevenson in 1952. perhaps it shows something of the nation turning inward to its own problems, but at any rate, we now have to look more closely at governors. thirdly, i would say we have a president from georgia, not one of our biggest states, not a small state either, but a state in the middle. it is no longer necessary to be from one of the big states. it is useful for a governor to be from the state of illinois. as the professor has said about a governor-elect out there, jim thompson, but not totally necessary. television has given everyone an equal crack at th

>> i love it. >> is jimmy carter going to lose this election?ey did say at the end of the day that it was a large turnout. regardless of who wins tonight if president ford is reelected, if jimmy carter is elected, the american people express ed themselves today and turned out in large numbers. that is the big story. >> we have been through this for the last couple of years, the fight between big government and you the individual, and returning the country to the american people. this is what president ford is, the american people. [applause] ♪ >> john chancellor of nbc news looks at the remaining states. >> of those remaining, aside from california with 45 electoral votes, oregon has six, but carter is behind in oregon. south dakota has four, that is not enough. maine has four, that is not enough. mississippi has seven. that would be enough to put him over the top. at the moment, it is a very tight race a very complicated , race in mississippi. and jimmy carter is ahead. ♪ >> james earl carter of the georgia elected the next president of the uni

and now, jimmy kimmel!plause ] ♪ ♪ young men there's no need to feel down ♪ ♪ i say young men get yourself off the ground ♪ >> jimmy: yes, yes, that's right. ♪ i say young men >> jimmy: welcome to the reality show! ♪ there's no need to be unhappy ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you very much. enough with that. not only are we taking the white house back, we're taking that song back too!

>> guillermo: clear, jimmy, code four. >> jimmy: my secret surveyso

tonight, john lithgow, freddie highmore, and music from giveon, and now, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: helloof the show. thank you for watching. how's everybody feeling tonight? relaxed? what a great time to be alone in a house filled with giant bags of mini candy bars. things are very tense at our house. our son woke up at 5:00 this morning because of daylight saving time. in a year where every day seems like a week, did we really need an extra hour? this is kind of funny. because of covid, we decided not to do our annual youtube challenge, where we invite parents to pretend they ate all their kids' halloween candy.

right now on jimmy >>> jimmy, thank you for everything, jimmy.ecently honored to receive the coalition's endorsement, and i want to thank you, you're really amazing. thank you. and a tough guy and a good guy. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, taraji p. henson. luke combs. and music from nathaniel rateliff. and now jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone, thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host, thank you for watching. i tell you what, it took almost the whole four years, but donald trump finally got a massive crowd to cheer him

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on week three of our election night coverage. it is now day 20 of squattergate. and we still haven't seen the president concede. we've barely even seen the president. on saturday, they had a virtual g-20 summit with leaders from 19 other countries. instead of participating, trump was busy tweeting. thirteen minutes into the summit, he took a break to write, "the fake news is not talking about the fact that 'covid,' in quotes for no reason, is running wild all over

and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. day 15 of squattergate. he's still in there, we think. [ laughter ] big baby bone spurs is digging in like a tick in your stomach. he is hunkered down in the west wing. he canceled his thanksgiving trip to mar-a-lago. and according to one official, there is a bunker mentality in the white house. somewhere between archie and hitler. [ laughter ] and ever since he didn't lose the election, trump is said to be in a dark mood. which is a