me back, jimmy. >> jimmy: uh, i got to say, you look pretty happy.s weekend, i met a girl. >> jimmy: you met a -- you met a what? >> a girl. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, a girl. a girl. i couldn't hear you. yeah. >> yes. i'm sorry. my throat is a little dry. excuse me. gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. i love ice cold watter. >> jimmy: tell me about this lucky lady. >> my heart is on fire. she is the object of my desire. her love, i do require. >> jimmy: that's a pretty good rhyme, walter. >> i guess i am a poet and i don't even ka-now it. >> jimmy: you mean you're a poet and you don't even know it? >> oh, is there an etch-o in the room. >> jimmy: all right, buddy. i got you. i got you. hey, so anyway, where did you meet this lady? >> i heard her on my voice mail. >> jimmy: she left you a voice mail? >> no, she is the voice mail. you know that voice that says "you have two new messages?" >> jimmy: yeah, of course i know that voice. >> that is her. she has the voice of an angle. >> jimmy: that's great, but what's stopping you? >> well, i don't know who she

that was mommy's day off. >> jimmy: awesome! >> woo! >> jimmy: party!hen i came back and i was -- we were writing in the office and i called up and i was like, "guys, i think my teeth really hurt. i think i'm gonna write from home." and then i called my house and i was like, "god, i got to go to work." and then i went and i bought a big piece of cake, and i went to the movies by myself. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: a big piece of cake? >> a big piece of cake, and then i bought a bag of frozen peas. i was holding on my, like, painful teeth, and i looked crazy in the movies by myself. i was like, "i don't care if anybody sees me." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. you lost your mind. the day of freedom. >> it was awesome. and i went to see -- the movie i went to see was "friends with kids." it was, like, a movie about a bunch of -- it was a good movie. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: yeah, it was a great movie, yeah. >> it was about a bunch of people tired from their kids. >> jimmy: that's me. i love it! >> that's me. >> jimmy: i'm eating the cake. yeah, exa

hey -- >> audience member: jimmy! >> jimmy: everyone -- nice to see you, sir. [ laughter ] "jimmy!"come, my friend. everybody in new york city is still talking about tim tebow coming to the jets. [ cheers and applause ] and listen to this. apparently tebow's looking for a house in the same neighborhood where jets quarterback mark sanchez lives. yeah, it's right at the intersection of "awkward" and "yikes." [ laughter ] speaking of tim tebow, a strip club here in new york is -- [ laughter and applause ] ♪ true story. >> steve: oh, wait, what? >> jimmy: a strip club, here in new york -- >> steve: right. >> jimmy: is offering to give tebow his first lap dance for free. [ light laughter ] yeah, it'll be the first time where the customer is the one who keeps yelling, "no touching.! "no touching!" [ laughter ] nope. here's an election update. yesterday, newt gingrich said he's not backing out of the gop race. you can tell. i mean, when gingrich backs out, you usually hear this -- [ truck backing up beeps ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this is weird, you guys. burger king is now se

>> jimmy: have you heard -- >> the voicemail? >> jimmy: what a -- >> it's great. >> jimmy: chevy.emails, which were pretty incredible, but as we said on "the soup," there's -- it's not him. it's impossible because there's no way he could ever figure out voicemail. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: he would not do it. >> this is a guy -- i go, "i'm gonna e-mail you." and he goes, "i don't have it!" and i go -- [ laughter ] "where -- where is it?" he goes, "it's in new york" and -- [ laughter ] "i'm gonna send you a carrie pigeon and you can strap a note around it's leg and it'll -- it'll get to you." >> jimmy: i think chevy -- chevy is a genius. he's a genius. >> yeah. >> jimmy: comedian, so i think this is a -- it's rough that someone tapes your voicemails and they go -- >> well, when some -- yeah. that's what the nature of voicemail. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> record the messages. >> jimmy: is that right? is that what it does? >> it's the rebroadcasting of them that is so -- >> jimmy: that's true. i didn't even think about that. yeah. it wasn't like he set up a big co

♪ >> jimmy: oh, man! >> oh, jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sofia vergara!ith musical guest one direction. judd apatow joins us next. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm too sexy for my shirt ♪ too sexy for my shirt ♪ so sexy, it hurts [ male announcer ] pop tarts. how good does your favorite flavor make you feel? introducing new wild fruit fusion. try on the latest must have flavor. pop tarts. joylicious. if you've ever had the nagging suspicion that your smartphone was actually a borderline defective, glorified prototype in some kind of secret product test, you may have been on to something. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >>> jimmy: our next guest, a super funny dude. he's a writer, director of "the 40-year-old virgin," "knocked up," "funny people," as well as the producer of blockbusters like "superbad," "anchorman" -- [ cheers and applause ] and "bridesmaids." [ cheers and applause ] he's got two cool projects coming out. "the five-year engagement" is in theatres april 27th. and a brand-new hbo show called "girls," which premieres april 15th. pl

i love you jimmy. >> jimmy: i love dave matthews.ly, pro, my main goal was just to get through the interview without wetting myself. con, well, there's always next time. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that's the pros and cons, everybody. we'll be right back with the cast of "30 rock." come on back and join us. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ banker ] mike and brenda found a house that they really wanted. it was in my sister's neighborhood. i told you it was perfect for you guys. literally across the street from her sister. [ banker ] but someone else bought it before they could get their offer together. we really missed a great opportunity -- dodged a bullet there. [ banker ] so we talked to them about the wells fargo priority buyer preapproval. it lets people know that you are a serious buyer because you've been credit-approved. we got everything in order so that we can move on the next place we found. which was clear on the other side of town. [ male announcer ] wells fargo. with you when you're ready to move. an energizing fruit

>> jimmy: gary. >> carlos. >> jimmy: carlos vogonda.what's that? [ laughter ] what? >> this is from lloyd feinberg -- i don't know if i should say his name, but my dentist. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't want to say his name? i know who your dentist is, lloyd feinberg. >> of course you do, everybody does. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's internationally famous. >> one of the best. >> jimmy: he is. >> but he's also, you know -- he sent a stripper to my mom's house for my birthday. >> jimmy: it was at your mom's house? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> very awkward. >> jimmy: what did he do? did he -- >> well, a woman came, and it was a big guy who presses play on a boom box. and she started dancing around and i felt really funny. and i still remember the kind of strawberry flavored lotion smell from her skin. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. happy birthday from your dentist. >> yeah. and i can't be around strawberry lotion. >> jimmy: do you ever talk to your dentist about it? >> no. >> jimmy: no. >> now maybe we will. >> jimmy: you're very known for

>> jimmy: yeah. >> a little bitters. >> jimmy: yeah, bitters. >> bitters. >> jimmy: yeah, i don't haveitters. >> jimmy: so far, this drink looks great. [ laughter ] >> now, you got to muddle it. >> jimmy: muddle it. >> you want to break the sugar up. >> jimmy: yup. >> while you're doing that, i'm gonna take the absinthe. bam! yeah, yeah. all right. now what we're gonna do -- i'm coming back around. look at this. we are, like, dancing here. >> jimmy: yeah, this is fantastic. >> so we're gonna just sort of take the absinthe around here. now, we got to crack ice. >> jimmy: yeah. >> all right, so i learned. so, crack some ice. >> jimmy: crack some ice. >> yeah. you've got to -- no, there's an art to this. you know, this is special ice from some good friends at dutch kills. >> jimmy: like this? where is this from? >> dutch kills. >> jimmy: dutch kills? >> yes, great cocktails. we'll go there some time, you and i. it's not a snow cone. >> jimmy: i don't know what the hell -- i don't know what -- you taught me how to do it. i feel like -- good, it's ice cubes. let's go get the booze in there.

jimmy?plause ] >> jimmy: thank you, quest. >> yo, let me do a shout out, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh, it's chris tartaro, our editor. sure, okay. let's hear it. >> yo, shout out to high chairs for adults. [ laughter ] yo, i can see everything from up here. everybody run out right now and get an adult-level high chair. ain't no shame in the high chair game. i'm literally high as hell. [ laughter ] high chairs, they're not just for babies anymore, baby. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: pretty sure they're still for babies, but -- >> all right, jimmy, i'll do one. >> jimmy: all right, mark. mark, go for it, buddy. ♪ >> shout out to flintstones vitamins. those chewable, fruit-able, and utterly cute-able tablets of nutritionality. nothing kicks off my morning right like munching on a little betty and wilma. [ laughter and applause ] man, i get flint-stoned off of these things. so if y'all want some vitamin d-licious tablets. pick up some barney rubbles for your troubles, son. i'm gone. [cheers and appla

>> jimmy: never mind. -- i was just reading about this -- bill nye the science guy is suing his ex-girlfriend for more than $50,000 in legal bills. legal experts were shocked, they were like, "bill nye the science guy had a girlfriend?" [ laughter ] what? did you guys hear this? there was apparently an electrical fire today at fenway park, home of the boston red sox. it was weird, instead of calling 911, boston fans just heckled the fire until it left. [ laughter ] [ boston accent ] "hey, fire, you're not as hot as you think you are!" [ laughter ] you can't burn my clothes, they're flame retardant." [ laughter ] and finally, president obama recently changed his position on super pacs, allowing his campaign to take more money from wealthy donors. you know, i was going to make a joke about this story but i don't think it needs a joke, i think it needs to be slow jammed. you know what i'm talking about, tariq? [ cheers and applause ] >> absolutely. you said you want to slow jam this news? >> jimmy: that's rig

>> jimmy: yeah.airs to see it, donkey kong starts throwing barrels at you, so you gotta -- [ laughter ] jump over it. [ scattered applause ] get this. a bakery in california has a new atm that dispenses fresh cupcakes. finally, answering the question, "what is the saddest possible way to celebrate your birthday?" [ laughter and applause ] "i'll just have one." [ laughter ]d, finally, a man i was arrested after he took his clothes off while doing karaoke at an applebee's. [ laughter ] it was easy for the audience to join in singing. they just followed the bouncing ball. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ it's four am and my lover won't answer he's probably somewhere with a dancer ♪ ♪ sippin' champagne while i'm in his bed ♪ ♪ it's four am and i think i might lose it this man must be thinkin' i'm stupid ♪ ♪ he must've bumped his head don't he know it's four am ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. that is grammy-winning singer me

>> jimmy: i have no idea. ncaa -- >> i did, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> they're outstanding point guard kendall marshall got hurt, and that slowed them down. great team, great coach, roy williams is a wonderful man. >> jimmy: so excited, and thank you so much for coming here tonight. are you nervous? >> a little bit. >> jimmy: i'm so excited about this. i met your wife, the first lady, i was at your house -- >> she's fabulous. >> jimmy: i was at your house. >> you were? >> jimmy: beautiful house. >> it's a rental. >> jimmy: i was thinking about your home life, and i'm thinking, you're surrounded by a lot of women. >> completely surrounded. it's basically me and beau. >> jimmy: beau is the only male. >> and sometimes they pick on both of us at the same time. >> jimmy: what do you do, you get together and go to the presidential man cave? >> we turn on sports center. >> jimmy: is that what you do? >> we have a couple beers. >> jimmy: nonalcoholic for beau, we all know what happens. you watch sports center, wh

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, guys. thank you, everybody. welcome -- welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon" everybody. that's the type of energy i love right there. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: that's awesome. welcome, you guys. thank you. hey, did you guys see this over the weekend? mitt romney was actually spotted body boarding in california. yeah. romney would have gone surfing, but, you know, he hates standing for something. [ laughter ] that's right. [ cheers and applause ] romney used a body board, marking the 1 billionth time the words "romney" and "board" have appeared in the same sentence. [ laughter ] -- trivia. actually, it turned out there weren't enough waves that day so he just asked newt gingrich to do a cannonball. [ laughter ] very ingenious, because i wouldn't even think about that. hey, yesterday was easter, you guys. but listen to this. th

>> 16 weeks old. >> jimmy: 16 weeks, okay. >> oh, look at this. >> jimmy: th this you can hold. >> jimmyle? >> under the chest and under the feet. like that. there you go. >> jimmy: i know, i know -- whoa. >> i got him. >> jimmy: that was an experiment that failed. >> okay. but i know you can be the animal guy that i see in you. >> jimmy: no, i can't. i just can't. >> see how my hand is under the chest. we're going to hold hands a little bit. hold there. right to your chest. there you go. all right. >> so natural. almost like i'm a zoo keeper. >> you notice the ears. are you okay? >> jimmy: i'm okay now. >> so soft. he's designed to be in the desert. it helps him hide. he's a really, really good predat predator. >> jimmy: anything smaller than him. a lot of rodents, bugs. he will sit, he can hear things that are underground, just bounce down on them and grab it. that little mouth of his gets hard working. >> jimmy: what is this thing again? >> a fennick fox. >> jimmy: where do you find these? >> in north africa. >> jimmy: i think i saw one on craigslist, actually. >> one message i try to

♪ >> jimmy: oh, man! >> oh, jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sofia vergara!ith musical guest one direction. judd apatow joins us next. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm too sexy for my shirt ♪ too sexy for my shirt ♪ so sexy, it hurts [ male announcer ] pop tarts. how good does your favorite flavor make you feel? introducing new wild fruit fusion. try on the latest must have flavor. pop tarts. joylicious. if you've ever had the nagging suspicion that your smartphone was actually a borderline defective, glorified prototype in some kind of secret product test, you may have been on to something. ♪ you can always expect more. like more on demand shows and movies than ever. and more ways to discover them too. plus more speed from america's fastest internet provider. so you can run more devices at the same time. ♪ feel a firework [ female announcer ] and best of all, it keeps getting better. no wonder more people choose xfinity over any other provider. ♪ love can be so mystical ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >>> jimmy: our next guest, a super funny dude.

and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody! how are you? how're you doing? [cheers and applause ] >> thank you so much for coming. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. here is the latest news from the campaign trail. today mitt romney handed out turkey subs to voters before the wisconsin primary. which explains romney's newest supporter, newt gingrich. he's excited about that. [ laughter ] speaking of the election, yesterday rick santorum guaranteed that he will win the primary in his home state of pennsylvania. and not to be outdone, ron paul guaranteed he will finish somewhere in the top ten. [ laughter ] guaranteed. you guys see this? frontier airlines announced that it will no longer serve warm chocolate chip cookies during flights. [ audience aws ] or, in other words, frontier airlines is getting rid of the one thing that could have gotten me to fly

>> hey, jimmy. >> jimmy: hey, ed. how are ya, ed?siest way to get a handle on how the economy's doing is to think of it as a -- as a pool noodle. [ light laughter ] floating in a very crowded public pool. and a little boy wants to play with it, but his sister -- let's give her a name -- tracy -- has been hoggin' it for over an hour. now, their mother doesn't want to hear it. she just wants 'em to get along, and has said to them if they can't work it out, then they'll just go home. now, is that what they want? is that what you want? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so, is the economy doing good or bad? >> bad! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and now for my final brain dump. pregnant snooki, newt wants cookie, jetblue freak out, angry birds beak out, jackpot lotto, mitt roboto, tebow's a jet, nothing but net, "hunger games" hits, long-haired pitts. and finally, here's what rick santorum would like if his face were turned upside-down. >> i, in principle, oppose -- [ laughter ] -- the government coming in and bailing out a sector of the economy

>> jimmy: i am.h me, to the mets game for the opening and then -- and then, the next week, for the yankees game. now, do you have to go to the openings of all the new york sports teams? >> no, but it's fun and i always -- i always go. >> jimmy: you think that you're like, a good luck charm for the -- for the new york teams. i think you are. >> well, i went to a giants game and they won the super bowl. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you went to one game. >> rest my case. that was all -- needed. >> jimmy: that's all it took, yeah. i gotta say i -- it's obvious i do like you, as a mayor and as a -- but i like you 'cause -- as a person, because you're a self-made -- you're a billionaire or whatever you are. a millionaire or whatever but it's like - - you're self-made. you started it because you got fired from your job at a bank, right? >> worked at an investment banking firm, salomon brothers -- best thing that ever happened to me is i got fired. >> jimmy: why did they fire you? poor attitude. >> poor

great. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks, jimmy. >> jimmy: perfect.e. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter and applause ] go for it, buddy. here's your "your mama's so fat" joke. come on. go for it, pal. you can go a little more, yeah. get it in there. [ laughter ] all right, when you're ready, please deliver your joke. >> your mama is so fat, she ate newt gingrich. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that was a weird one. that was weird. ♪ got a little lick there. a little extra lick there. [ light laughter ] team one, step on in. it's time for our audience to decide who was the best joke and spit taker. [ drumroll ] was it team number one? [ cheers and applause ] or was it team number two? [ cheers and applause ] team number one is the winner. ♪ congratulations. you win a set of "late night with jimmy fallon" towels, so you can dry off in style. and since no one goes homes empty handed, for the losers, we have "late night with jimmy fallon" moist towelettes. [ laughter ] that's it for "competitive spit takes." we'll be right back with jason segel. [ cheers

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you.ou, cleto. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. thanks for making so much noise with your hands, it's wonderful. we have a lot of visitors in town tonight for the easter weekend? [ applause ] easter is on sunday. it's a time to get together with your family, whether you like them or not. we have easter at my cousin ann's house. the easter bunny comes. we have an easter egg hunt. i don't understand that. was jesus like, hey, i'm going to be gone for a few days, but -- when i get back, i better not find any eggs lying around. make sure they're all picked up. [ laughter ] i hide scrambled eggs around the yard. sometimes it takes the kids days to find them. did you know that americans will eat an estimated 83 million chocolate bunnies this easter? i made that up. but it sounds right. [ laughter ] every time i bite into the ear of a chocolate bunny, i think of mike tyson. i can't help it. i really do. you know, there's a disturbing tape going around the

don't miss jimmy kimmel, coming up next. >> dicky: up next on an all new jimmy kimmel live. >> jimmy: some teenagers are drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. >> dicky: john kus ak. >> jimmy: i'll take some. a shot of jack daniels from your parent's liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal american kids. >> dicky: from >> jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about this -- just in time for cinco de mayo, it's bud light lime lime-a-rita. if you like margaritas, you're going to love this convenient, pre-made alternative. correct me if i'm wrong, guillermo, but you've been known to enjoy a margarita on cinco de mayo, right? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy. and sometimes on seis de mayo, too. >> jimmy: and tonight, guillermo has agreed to share his family recipe with us. go ahead, share. >> guillermo: okay, first you get a glass. >> jimmy: okay. >> guillermo: then, you go to the fridge. >> jimmy: it's somewhere in there, guillermo, you'll find it. then what do you do? >> guillermo: then you open the drink. >> jimmy: we had one right here. >> guillermo: oh, yeah. okay. then you pour t

so i thought -- >> jimmy: two things? >> jimmy! >> jimmy: i'm sorry.ght it would be a great idea to frame the pictures and howard was going to sign them, which was so meaningful to me. then i would hang them in the house because bill doesn't have the sexy picture of me. so we go away for christmas. i hang the one picture. i hang the other ones, but i hang the one in his bathroom. >> jimmy: the topless one? >> yeah. he loves it, but it's caused a dilemma. because now he's in his bathroom always nervous that someone's going to come in the bathroom. we have kids and he thinks -- nobody's in his bathroom ever. yes, we have two bathrooms. >> jimmy: kids get into everything everywhere. >> bill's like the kids friends are going to be in the bathroom and the parents. i'm like why would parents being in that bathroom? >> jimmy: i'll give you the reason why, because that picture is in there. the kids' friends are never going to come out of that bathroom, by the way. what if there's a pluping issue? >> there's no pluming issue. >> jimmy: there might be a pluming

here's jimmy kimmel! kimmel live" sngz ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. how are you? thank you. thank you. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thanks to you guys for coming to visit us here in hollywood. just so you know this is being taped for tv. we are on a television show right now. hey, i'd like to start tonight with legal news. one of the all time great lawsuits is under way. there is a legal battle between the singer trey songz and the guy from the reality show "storage wars" over who owns the world yup. apparently, you can fight over the word yup. trey songz said he started saying it like this -- >> yup. >> jimmy: and the "storage wars" guy says he started it. >> yup. >> jimmy: once again. trey songz. >>up. >> jimmy: and david hester. >> yup. >> jimmy: can you imagine being the judge that went to eight years of college and law school to decide on this? it's yup, by wait, with three us. and obviously this needs to be resolved. when i see someone with a yup s