but jimmy fallon's happening right now! jimmy!se ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you very much, everybody. i feel the love! from this crowd right here. a new york city crowd. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. i am your host, jimmy fallon, though you may know me by my other name, gossip girl. [ light laughter ] you guys see last night's series finale of "gossip girl?" big surprise when it was revealed that "gossip girl" is actually written by a guy. which explained why the last post was signed xoxo i pee standing up. [ laughter ] hey guys, there's some political news here. yesterday president obama and john boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes. but the white house will not release a tra

but jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy, take it away!s and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. welcome, everybody. that's a great new york city crowd right there. thank you, guys, for being here. welcome to "late night." [ cheers and applause ] we're going to have fun tonight. hey, i want to say congratulations to "american idol" winner, kelly clarkson, who got engaged over the weekend. [ cheers and applause ] we love her. it's going to be weird at the wedding when the priest is like "if anyone here objects to this union, text the word "no" to my cell phone right now." [ light laughter ] yep, kelly clarkson got engaged. so, i guess now she'll be mrs. independent. [ laughter ] listen to this, you guys -

jimmy fallon. ♪ e-i-e-i-o >> jimmy: yes!ld macdonald" there. >> they wrote "old macdonald." >> jimmy: that was fantastic. >> that's their national anthem. >> jimmy: it is not. [ cheers ] oh, my gosh. he's going instrument first. he's going instrument first. >> instrument first. >> jimmy: you make the rules, man. >> the guitar, apparently. >> jimmy: no! yeah! >> the cello. >> jimmy: yeah, of course. dave matthews on cello. this is great. >> and then -- >> jimmy: any of those ones. >> of course, i would take -- i really -- i'm so sorry. you didn't see it? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's like david blaine, yeah. >> okay, but -- [ cheers and applause ] oh, boy. >> jimmy: you want a pick? all right. ♪ >> "jingle bells." >> yes! ♪ >> jimmy: that was not fair at all! that was the same as "row, row, row you boat." that was "row, row, row your boat." i know that song anywhere. oh, my. rip-off! >> that was good, matthews. >> that was good! >> that was good, matthews. all right. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: come on, michael. it will be good. >> oh

jimmy: yeah. herschel walker your daddy." >> jimmy: she just told you that recently? >> she told me that last night. >> jimmy: last night. that's a shocking thing. well, i appreciate you making it to the show and coming on and doing the nice holiday -- >> that was sweet. that was sweet like bear meat. >> jimmy: thank you. sweet like bear meat. >> sweet like alligator meat. >> jimmy: how's the holiday shopping going for you? you going shopping? >> i got trampled on black friday. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so sorry. >> i got trampled, how about that, you know? i got trampled, man, that's the way to go. wouldn't you be mad? >> jimmy: on black friday. >> i get -- yeah. i shop safe on white tuesdays or something. >> jimmy: i don't know if there is a white tuesday. >> you don't know to go out on emphatic thursdays. you don't want that. you lose all your goods. >> jimmy: can we talk about this. this is kind of -- >> that's in my dining room at my crib. >> jimmy: you got a painting made that looks almost like

>> jimmy: it's me, jimmy kimmel. >> oh, jimmy kimmel. jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: how are you?> how are they hanging? >> jimmy: yeah, they're hanging fine. what's going on there? you having a party? >> we are celebrating diwali, our five-day festival of lights. >> happy diwali, jimmy. >> jimmy: happy diwali to you too. i was wondering if you have jokes about justin bieber and selena gomez breaking up. >> oh, yes, most undoubtedly. let me get our number one teller of jokes, roger. >> roger. >> jimmy: he's the best. >> by checking, click in and how -- >> roger, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: roger, it's jimmy kimmel. >> bieber and gomez jokes tonight, hey. >> jimmy: happy diwali to you. we are very ready for jokes. >> why did selena gomez enter a -- end her relationship with justin bieber? >> jimmy: i don't know, why did selena gomez end her relationship with justin bieber? >> because she wasn't ready to have his baby, baby, baby, baby, oh. [ laughter ] >> sweet. sweet. right, just like this. >> jimmy: do you have any others? >> yeah, yeah. >> what did the doctors prescribe for justin b

>> jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i would love that. we'll take a break.the rest of the show. tracy morgan is a genius, he's a funny guy. i'll sit there, i'll make faces, maybe i'll even make out with him. we'll see what happens. >> jimmy: that would be great. >> and when we come back, tracy will be sitting here. i'll -- you sit there -- >> jimmy: that seems like a terrible idea. >> we'll be back from brooklyn. your mouth has been sipping, snacking, yellowing. nutcracking, gift stacking, yellowing. mistletoe'ing, ho ho ho'ing, yellowing. and every holiday season, your teeth have been yellowing. fact is if you're not whitening, you're yellowing. crest 3d white whitestrips remove over 10 years of stains, and whiten 25 times better than a leading whitening toothpaste. crest. life opens up when you do. in a hurry? try 2 hour express whitestrips, just in time for a white holiday. it's so great to see you. you, too! oh, cloudy glasses. you didn't have to come over! actually, honey, i think i did... oh? you did? whoa, ladies, easy. hi. cascade kitchen counselor.

michael strahan is on, jimmy johnson. i have a blast. >> jimmy: i worked with jimmy at the end.> jimmy: no, that is not false. >> say the one you think hates you. >> jimmy: i know howie long. >> i disagree. >> jimmy: how -- >> is there anyone better than howie long? i find him magical. he loves his wife, he's so proud of his kids. >> jimmy: so handsome, he's got a head like a horse and a neck like a -- he's a beautiful man. no question about it. >> but he's such a family man. >> jimmy: nothing on the inside. a football where a brain should be. >> not so. >> jimmy: don't let the glasses fool you. there is nothing going on in there. >> no wonder he hates you. >> jimmy: that's probably why. >> but terry's fabulous and he's great and we give him a hard time. i'm the new kid on the block, trying hosting for the first time. it's been a different change for me and so terry's the encouraging one. they all are, send me great text messages. >> jimmy: what text messages? >> they're great. >> jimmy: terry -- >> i wore a yellow dress, one time, yellow is your color, your hair looks so lighte

but jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy, take it away!ers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, welcome. welcome, everybody. thank you for being here. i feel the love. thank you very much. welcome. welcome, welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." you guys, we have a great show. it's going to be really fun. hopefully we get to make you laugh tonight. we've got a lot of fun things. i'm very excited about this. the new movie "the hobbit: an unexpected journey" came out today. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] but i heard it was almost three hours long. marking the first time people were like, "yeah, i'm going to save myself some time and just read the book." [ laughter ] so, i'm just going to -- three hours is --" [ applause ] l

>> jimmy: you -- >> [ bleep ], jimmy. >> jimmy: this is a strange turn of events. >> i lost weight, jimmycut that belt off a few notches. it's too big for you. >> i just pulled it too tight. >> jimmy: you revealed that -- >> see that waist. >> jimmy: i really feel like when this tour -- is the show going to be in l.a.? >> l.a., yes, five nights in l.a. >> jimmy: five nights? >> like five nights in l.a. >> jimmy: we've got to make was one of those nights a two-man show where i join you for the show. wouldn't that be fun? could we do that? all right. i will do it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: if you take your feet off my furniture. do you still follow boxing? >> yeah. as a matter of fact, i'm launching my foundation, mike tyson cares. [ applause ] yes. hey. i am going to be -- mike tyson cares about helping homeless children in vegas. there are so many homeless children and we're going to launch december 7th, the day before the pacquiao/marquez fight. we're going to be at the mgm, at taboo, start from 7:30 to 10:00. it's all about giving homeless children a fighting chance, like myself, because i was

>> it was a school. >> jimmy: in sherman oaks. >> yes. >> jimmy: okay.t country do they drink beer, big beers and pretzels in, do you know? >> oh, germany. >> jimmy: okay. germany. it's nowhere near sherman oaks. >> jimmy: no. anyway -- >> jimmy: guillermo -- guillermo was -- there's just no rhyme or reason to it, you understand? >> yeah, i understand. >> jimmy: you understand, right. guillermo was live tweeting from the line. he was waiting in line and he tweeted, "long line to vote." and then, "i am wondering if i can order pizza while i'm on line, i'm very hungry." i told you not to leave the house without an emergency pizza supply, you didn't listen. >> i was hungry, big lines. >> jimmy: there was a big line, yeah. and then another tweet, "i voted, now time to eat, my belly is happy." and a link to this picture, which -- looks like you saw a ghost. it's not supposed to go there. who took this picture? >> my wife. >> jimmy: your wife took it? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what did you eat afterwards? >> thai food. >> jimmy: thai food? >> yeah. >> jimmy: like the

jimmy fallon is happening right now, jimmy!plause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. looking good. thank you. welcome, everybody. that's what i'm talking about. a great new york city crowd right there, higgins. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." here's what people are talking about. the official white house christmas card just went out. and it's signed by all the members of the first family, also by bo, the dog. [ light laughter ] i thought it was odd when he added the line, "humps and kisses." [ laughter ] you don't have to do that. speaking of obama though, "forbes" has just ranked the president as the world's most powerful person. in response, obama issued this statement, "suck it, bie

>> "jimmy kimmel live" coming up >> "jimmy kimmel live" coming up next >>> ho ho ho, santa jimmy here. i love the holiday season. there's nothing more gratifying than bringing a smile to a child's dirty face. bring in the little angels, will you? come on, in little angels. well, hello little boy, what would you like for christmas? >> i want a bunch of stuff and you better give it to me, i have a list for you, okay? >> oh, boy. >> i want some nikkei none headphones, a power drill, a -- >> a what? >> a deluxe bundle, sport video games, and some cheese balls and the i want them now. >> jimmy: i'm afraid that i see you're on the naughty list so i won't be able to give you any of those things this year. but walmart is america easily gift headquarters so they've got all that stuff on your list covered and more at everyday low prices so i suggest you get off my lap and tell your mommy to take you there, okay? >> no, i'm not getting off till i get a present. >> jimmy: i'll give you whatever you want, stop bouncing. please bring in the present! >> merry christmas! >> jimmy: merry christmas. i

>> jimmy: hello, everyone. how are you? thank you. it's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining me. here in los angeles, home of your favorite stars. it's good to have you here. christmas in hollywood is beautiful, isn't it? it reminds me of switzerland. but instead of snow, we have dirty superheroes. we are in the thick of the holiday season. i believe there are only 371 shopping days until next christmas, and this christmas is even sooner than that. it's only six days away. i do the bulk of my shopping online. mostly because of that mariah carey christmas song. they know there are other songs they can play in public, right? mariah carey must have dirt on whoever owns the mall. when you shop online, a lot of places won't give you boxes. baby gap will give you one box for every three items you order. thanks, that's helpful. even when i do have a box, it looks like a wrapped a nerf football. i need boxes. i like to give a special welcome to the college students watching tv right now instead of studying for th

>> jimmy: hi, jimmy kimmel here, with a special announcement from downy. unstoppables the in-wash scent booster that keeps your laundry fresh for up to 12 weeks. the brave men and women at downy have been asking people to send videos of themselves showing how "fresh" they can be the winner got a trip to la and a visit to our show and, after an exhaustive search, they found their winner and he's here with us tonight please say hello to charlie reeves. charlie, come on out. [ cheers and applause ] where are you from? >> i'm from anaheim. happiest place on earth. >> jimmy: yeah. oh, you got a trip all the way from anaheim. >> all the way from anaheim. >> jimmy: there's another jimmy who would like to offer his congratulations as well. >> hey, jimmy the intern here with a big congratulations to charlie reeves, our winner of the downey unstoppables 12 seconds of fame contest. great job. stay fresh, everybody. >> jimmy: wow. you must be in shock. but the fun's not over. we also have a prize for you. dickey, tell charlie what he's won. >> dicky: he's won his very

>> i don't think so. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> we'll see. >> jimmy: you'll see.o. >> jimmy: will there be a bachelorette party? do you feel like you really need a bachelorette party at this point? >> yes. >> there's going to be giraffes and monkeys and everything. >> jimmy: a safari. will you guys be part of the bachelorette party? >> mike will be the stripper. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that was a revelation. sammi and ronnie, are you guys together right now? did you break up in the green room? >> right now we are together. >> it's still early, though. >> jimmy: are you getting along? >> we actually moved in together. we've lived together for like three months now. >> jimmy: oh wow. >> and we're still together. >> jimmy: vinny, are you guys still together? what's going on with you guys? >> he's expecting. >> jimmy: i think this is a great idea. i don't know if you came up with this or someone else did, that you would potentially be the bachelor. that would be a good thing, wouldn't it? >> i would love that. that would be a good idea. >> i would have to screen all th

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, welcome.f the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us here on thanksgiving eve. [ cheers and applause ] i want to ask you a question. and i want you to be honest with me. how many of you brought your in-laws here so you could avoid talking to them for an hour? [ laughter ] blink twice if the answer is yes. the first thanksgiving feast, i don't know if you know, took place in 1621 when native americans shared their food with the pilgrims who were starving. how much do you think they regret that decision now? [ laughter ] when in doubt, don't feed white people. how many of you are cooking a turkey tomorrow? a few? [ applause ] i'm not cooking mine this year. i'm making turkey sushi for everyone. it's l.a., that's what we do. i'm actually going to st. louis for thanksgiving. i'm hungry already. when the food comes out, i eat like the cookie monster. i don't even eat. i just grab the food with my hands and smash it all over my face. most of us will have dinner with our families tomo

and now, making spirits bright, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: welcome. thank you. i'm jimmy.'m the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for wearing your thursday best to be here tonight. everyone all right? you guys okay? [ cheers and applause ] are any of you completely done with your christmas shopping? >> yes! >> jimmy: kill her. there are only 11 days before christmas eve. i give a lot of gifts on christmas and i get a lot of gifts on christmas. but i don't open them right away. i like to save my gifts and i open them during shark week. it's just more exciting. by the way, what do you do with a gift that you know you're never going to use, you can't give it away because the person might find out that you've given it to somebody else. but my policy, what i do is i keep it for exactly 38 months, and then i throw it away. or give it away or something. it's ridiculous. but it's what i do. if you're on facebook, and by gosh, i hope you are because it's a great way to keep in touch with your loved ones. this is the time of the year when your news feed becomes a c

>> yeah, i love brooklyn, jimmy. >> jimmy: brooklyn seems to like you.t is the -- this might be a tough question. but what's the best thing you've eaten since you've been here? >> pizza. >> jimmy: pizza? specifically? what kind -- which one? >> well -- pepperoni with jalapenos. >> jimmy: okay, all right. we're going to have him deported back to l.a. [ laughter ] my aunt chippy is here, too, somewhere in the audience. where is aunt chippy? oh, hi, aunt chippy. [ applause ] pretty much our whole staff came with us. do you have anything you'd like to say? you have a statement you'd like to make to everyone here in brooklyn? >> well, i am very, very proud of them, that our hometown has given you such a great reception and i'm very, very proud to be a brooklynite. >> jimmy: and what is that -- [ cheers and applause ] aunt chippy broke her shoulder on the way in here, so, it's been -- >> yeah, i got a present from jfk airport. >> jimmy: you did, yeah. >> the first time i've broken a bone and if i had to do it any place, i'm glad it was here in brooklyn. >> jim

>> jimmy: two for 20. [ laughter ] >> steve: two for 20. >> jimmy: slow down.lebee's. >> steve: all-american two for 20. >> jimmy: you know what? i'm going to get you after the show. i'm going to give you a gift certificate to applebee's. all right? yeah. [ cheers and applause ] i love applebee's. [ applause ] but anyway, it's two for 20, i will give you 20 bucks. [ laughter ] we'll split it. >> steve: i don't got any on me. >> jimmy: we'll go dutch. you pay. i'll wear wooden shoes. ba-boom. [ light laughter ] ba-boom. ♪ too late. too late. it's too late. >> steve: too late. >> jimmy: too late. >> steve: amsterdam! >> jimmy: way too late. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but anyway, applebee's is opening a green restaurant in new york that will have waterless urinals. yep. a wall made of plants. a rooftop rain water harvesting. yep. all of which will be underneath a giant million-watt neon sign that says applebee's. [ laughter ] [ applause ] ong. >> steve: that was the longest setup ever. >> jimmy: long walk for that joke. >> steve: long walk, yeah. worth it. >> jimmy: w

jimmy: this is his new cd.ith the song "take a little ride," jason aldean! ♪ ♪ been goin' 'round and 'round all day balin' some hay and stackin' it all up ♪ ♪ can't wait for the sun to go down roll into town shine the old truck up ♪ ♪ swing by the quick stop grab a couple rocky tops then ease on out your way to your place ♪ ♪ around 8:00 i'm just ready to ride this chevy ride this chevy down ♪ ♪ a little back road slide your pretty little self on over get a little closer ♪ ♪ turn up the radio put your pretty pink toes on the dash lean the seat back ♪ ♪ man i swear there ain't nothin' looks better than that sweet tan ♪ little thing with nothin' to do i wanna take a little ride with you ♪ ♪ i hope you're wearin' those frayed out cutoffs makes me wanna get lost out in the moonlight ♪ ♪ drop the tailgate down on a turn-row watch the corn grow baby that's a good night ♪ ♪ anyone from the heartland is gonna understand what i'm talkin' about right now ♪ ♪ ain't no doubt we got a game plan i'm just ready to ride this c

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> cleto: jimmy kimmel live! [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm jimmy. miami the host of the show. thanks to all of you coming out tonight. i appreciate that. i'm glad that you came out. i hope we can laugh a bit tonight after a horrible weekend. and -- i have trouble controlling my emotions but it's weird to do a show with so much sadness. i think the president said what needed to be said last night on television. i think he spoke beautifully. i just want the people in connecticut to know that we do not take what you're going through lightly and we are thinking about you a lot all of us even though we are at a talk show. so my job tonight is to give you a little break from being sad. and i will try my best to do that, all right? so -- you want to see some christmas lights shaped like a penis? we have video here. this is a crist mat light display in brighton england. i don't know how this happened or if it was accidental or intentional. but it would appear that if you stand directly under the lights a very familiar shape appears. i know you are supposed

>> jimmy: jimmy kimmel here with a message from downey unstoppables. the winner showing how fresh they can be got a visit to our show. after an exhaustive search, they found their winner. please say hello to charlie reeves. charlie, come on out. there he is. where are you from? >> i am from anaheim. happiest place on earth. >> jimmy: yeah. you got a trip all the way from anaheim. what a treat. there's another jimmy who would like to offer his congratulations as well. >> jimmy the intern here with a big congratulations to charlie reeves, our winner of the downy unstoppables 12 seconds of fame contest. stay fresh, everybody. >> jimmy: wow, you must be in shock. but the fun is not over yet. we also have a prize for you. dickey, tell charlie what he's won. >> dicky: he's won his very own home version of guillermo. >> what? [ applause ] >> jimmy: how about that. enjoy your guillermo. do whatever you want with him. charlie, everyone. >> dicky: downy unstoppables delivers 12 weeks of freshness. for more information, visit downy.com. "jimmy kimmel live" is bac

jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy!ause ] ♪ >> from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh. that's what i'm talking about. that's a beautiful crowd right there. i feel the love. great new york city crowd. oh, my gosh. welcome, everybody. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. [ cheers ] we have a fun show tonight. really funny people. really talented people on the show tonight. big news, you guys. mcdonald's just announced that it's bringing back the mcrib later this month. [ cheers and applause ] or, as the mayans put it, "hey, we tried to warn you." [ laughter ] this is exciting. barbara walters has released part of her "most fascinating people" list. and this year hillary clinton and honey boo boo are both on it. [ laughter

and now, oh my golly, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. thank you very much.m the host of the show. thank you for watching. good of you all to be here with us tonight. we have a good show for you tonight. leslie mann is here and she's very sick, so that should be fun. and we have a very talented singer named sarah jaffe, who's making her network television debut tonight. and maybe our tiniest guest ever, ted from the movie "ted" is here. enjoying the open bar. when he drinks, he gets soggy inside. we'll bring him out here. christmas is less than two weeks away. it's coming for us whether we like it or not. i think christmas is the best time of the year to get into a knife fight over a parking spot at target. i do most of my shopping online. but i hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while i'm doing it so i get the whole holiday shopping experience. and the neighbors love it. did you know they're celebrating christmas in other countries now? it's true. it's really catching on. this happened at the sunshine aquarium in tokyo, where i guess santa isn

>> jimmy: the pen. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that is the pen. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is a $500 pen. said, "tom, you don't understand. that's the tom cruise pen. i can't use it. ever." [ laughter ] "that goes on the mantel! that pen is a story. it's not a pen!" >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> so, two days later, he says, "buddy, buddy, you got to use that. you got to use it." i said, "tom, please don't make me use the pen." two days later, knock at the door. i open it up. his assistant hands me another wrapped gift, and said, "tom wants you to use the other pen." >> jimmy: you're kidding me. that's -- >> so, it was -- by the way, that's not tom being a dick or, you know, being a showoff. that's his way of saying, "i get it. put this one on the mantel. write with the other one." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you gotta love this. read this book, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] kevin pollak, "how i slept my way to the middle: secrets and stories from stage, screen and interwebs" in stores right now. the wallflowers perform next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] zeebox is the free app

here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. that's very nice. hola.ello there. thank you. i'm flattered that you're here. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you. honestly, if i knew how to curtesy, i would. thank you for making the long journey from short distances to be here tonight. this is our fourth and final night in brooklyn, but don't worry, we'll be back for the next hurricane. [ laughter ] apparently there's a storm on the way that they say a nor'easter is headed this way and could hit in the middle of next week. that's nuts. we're taking you all back to l.a. with us. enough already. [ cheers and applause ] 85 degrees there. come with us. open a small batch salt water taffy shop in hollywood. we'll eat it. two storms in two weeks is too much. how much weather can sam champion's hair take? [ laughter ] i feel like this is god's way of punishing us for watching honey boo boo. [ laughter ] you know, for once it would be nice to have a storm that fixes things instead of destroying things. my rv was completely upside down until hurricane r

>> mommy was -- >> jimmy kimmel told me to do it. >> who's jimmy crimmel?i hate you jimmy kindle! >> it's kimball. >> hey, hanna? can you say hi to larry kimmel? say hi, larry kimmel. >> no! >> don't you want to share? >> no, you ate all my candy, though! >> hey, buddy, guess what? i'm just kidding. i didn't actually eat your candy. >> oh! every day this happens. >> there's always next halloween. >> no, i wanted to eat some candy today! >> that's not fair! we didn't get to eat any candy. >> where's my bag of candy that was up there? >> we're just kidding. >> mommy ate all of your candy last night. >> i don't want you to eat anymore of my candy. >> but it's gone! >> i'm so sorry, guys. i'm so sorry. can't we just -- can't we just go get new ones? >> no, we can't. we worked so hard for that candy. >> i never want to go out trick or treating again. >> i'm sorry, sierra, for eating all your candy. >> that's okay. >> all right. i love you. >> i love you, too. >> i ate it. >> that's all right. i just want you to feel happy. >> are you mad at me? >> no. >> you're

>> jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmel. american airlines is offering its fleet for a brand-new flying experience. here's guillermo with more. >> hi, guillermo here. i love to fly on an airplane. and the new boeing is the best. the best part is the seats. they lay flat. they're so cozy that i like to bring them with me wherever i go. can i get another drink? can i get another blanket. can i get a coffee? oh, thank you. you do a lot of exercise? hey, when do i eat? pizza. i love pizza. hi. w wow. >> enjoy a whole new level of comfort, connectivity, and convenience only on american airlines. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with leslie mann, ted, and music from sarah jaffe. ♪ i'll be home for christmas, ♪ you can count on me, ♪ i'll be home for christmas, ♪ if only in my dreams. >>> from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, leslie mann, ted, music from sarah jaffe. with cleto and the cletones. and now, oh my golly, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. thank you very much. i am the host of the show. thank

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >>> hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching and thanks for showing up. i tell you something, we were off last week. it's starting to get christmassy around here. the fake wreaths are hanging. the lattes at starbucks are spiced. the holidays are upon us and won't get off us. it's time to start practicing your pretending to like a gift face. christmas is a major operation for me. i buy hundreds of gifts and i buy them all myself. people think i have an assistant. i do but he doesn't do anything for me. he does some things for me, believe me. but he's having a baby. i went to costco this weekend. it was a two-cart weekend for costco. people were asking if i worked there. i move things like i'm one of the employees. leaving costco my truck was packed to tightly i could see out the front and 1/18 out of the window in the back and the truck was almost completely packed with alcohol. it was. something -- if someone had rear ended me i wouldn't h

. >> jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmel. please pay close attention to this word from american airlines. >> i'm guillermo. i love to travel on american airlines. their check-in service is the best. they really know how to take care of a big celebrity like me. they make check-in so easy. keep up the good work. >> hello, mr. rodriguez. >> hi, how are you? >> i checked you in and we also have a designated security line. >> you know how to take care of a celebrity. >> we offer this service to all of our celebrities. >> this is for you. i signed it just for you. >> thank you. can i assist you in finding your gate? >> no, it's okay. my personal assistant will take care of that. >> hi. >> enjoy a whole new level of comfort, connectivity and convenience only on american airlines. >> take care of my bag. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with ted danson, from "game of thrones" emileia clark, and music from larry g. ia clark, and music fr larry g. ia clark, and music fro larry g. [ male announcer ] paradise of flavor.

>> oh, jimmy. no. >> jimmy: why? >> well, i did manage to tape it.e and i was in two frames up in the corner. and at christmas time i made the entire extended family gather around the television and showed them my two frames. >> jimmy: you should find whoever directed that video and punish him. because he seems to go crazy for no reason. it is like guantanamo bay on those commercials. >> i have ridden the ride since. 14 years later i went back and took my nephew. i rode the ride with him and you don't even get wet at all. it's like a sprinkle of nothing. it's like misting of water. there's no water on this ride at all. >> jimmy: that's false advertising. >> there are people in those clear rain parkas in line. they are all like afraid they will be drenched all day. >> jimmy: what are you doing for the holidays? what's the plan? >> going home to st. louis. to see my folks. >> nice. >> my husband and the baby -- >> jimmy: i have been to st. louis a bunch of times. your mom was my fiance's teacher. she is only 14 years old, my fiance. it's a joke. but it

mice. >> jimmy: what?rasites, which means they're unafraid of people or cats. and so we knew this because they were unafraid of us. in other words, like one day, my wife and i were watching tv and she looked next to her and there was a mouse sitting next to her. and it wasn't running away. like it was just like stewart little, like hey, i like this show. like we should watch "idol." felt like we were roommates. and then she shrieks like ladies do at a mouse like in cartoons. then the mouse just walked away. he was like all right. like he walked into the kitchen. he's like well, if you see it that way. and then one day i woke up -- one night i woke up and the mouse was -- jen goes mo? that's what she calls me. my name's mike. she calls me mo. she goes mo, the mouse is coming after ivan. and i look over and the mouse is walking towards ivan. and ivan just swatted him and the mouse flew across the room. and then walked towards ivan like a zombie. just like ahh! ivan's like ahh! and jen's like do something! an

>> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: thank you. >> put it down a little bit. >> jimmy: so you canteleprompter? >> exactly. that is the subway six-foot giant sub. >> jimmy: well, thank you, guillermo. >> it's bigger than the one you gave me. >> jimmy: i see that. >> it's three foot bigger. >> jimmy: yes, i can see. >> it's twice as big. >> jimmy: i get it. you got me a better gift than i got you. i'm embarrassed and i'm sorry. >> don't feel bad, jimmy. christmas is about friendship. >> jimmy: thank you for saying that, pal. i feel the same way. merry christmas, guillermo. >> merry christmas, you cheap son of a bitch. >> subway caters. give them what they love. visit subwaycatering.com to order. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with mel brooks, jake tapper and music from jason aldean. we need to leave our contract plan for net10 wireless. doug's family doesn't have that. you could have any of these top smartphones at half the cost of our plan. you aren't bad parents. you just fell in with the wrong wireless plan. welcome to the next generation of family plans. visit

michael strahan is on, jimmy johnson. i have a blast. >> jimmy: i worked with jimmy at the end. some did not like me. >> i heard that. >> jimmy: and hated me. >> i think that's false. >> jimmy: no, that is not false. >> say the one you think hates you. >> jimmy: i know howie long. >> i disagree. >> jimmy: how -- >> is there anyone better than i find him magical. he loves his wife, he's so proud of his kids. >> jimmy: so handsome, he's got a head like a horse and a neck like a -- he's a beautiful man. no question about it. >> but he's such a family man. >> jimmy: nothing on the inside. a football where a brain should be. >> not so. >> jimmy: don't let the glasses fool you. there is nothing going on in there. >> no wonder he hates you. >> jimmy: that's probably why. >> but terry's fabulous and he's

jimmy, jimmy, get up. we're going to go play some bocci ball. what about breakfast?et in a round of bocci ball and then go have breakfast. >> that's all very nice except you're trying to get out of prison. >> exactly. >> vincent took up all his time and he barely had time to talk to hall. but then he learned that hall's favorite show was "america's most wanted." so one night jimmy would make a daring move, putting his body on the line just to gain larry's trust. coming up, jimmy's new best friend shares a nightmare. >> it was probably the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, to listen to this kind of stuff and not just rip him apart. >> when "the inside man" continues. [ mother bear ] you're not using too much are you, hon? [ female announcer ] charn ultra soft is so soft you'll have to remind your family they can use less. it's made with extra cushions that are soft and more absorbent. plus you can use four times less. charmin ultra soft. it's time to free ourselves from the smell and harshness of bleach. and free ourselves from worrying about the ones we love.

. >> jimmy: really? >> really easy to play slide. i shouldn't say that. >> jimmy: can i get a lesson form bonnie raitt? i would -- please. are you kidding me? >> oh, man. such a piece of cake. >> jimmy: i would pay you a million bucks. that's unbelievable. i got to say, you know -- of course, i'm a fan of yours. i grew up in upstate new york, too. so i knew a lot of you through that scene. yeah. and then, i -- "nick of time" i bought that cd for me because everyone was buying it. that was the thing you had to have. and then, my mom just fell in love with it. and she kept singing "i can't make you love me." >> oh, beautiful. >> jimmy: and it's beautiful. but then, i go, "wait, her and my dad having problems?" [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: but then -- but, i think it's because she thought that she could really sing that one, belt that one. that was like an anthem. she would do it at parties. that would be her move. and so, like, "all right, everybody. everyone sit down. i'm going to sing bonnie raitt." >> so sweet. >> jimmy: i would