>> jimmy: yeah.n here. board games plus a toilet equals game of thrones. see that. [ laughter and applause ] i love that show. i get it. >> yeah a throne. >> jimmy: look at this guy. we like him. benedict cumberbatch plus arnold schwarzenegger equals benedict arnold. see what i'm saying? [ laughter and applause ] [ arnold impression ] >> steve: i'm a traiter. >> jimmy: and finally a a kentucky derby jockey minus the shirt equals vladimir putin. there you go, that's all the time we have for "popular mathmatics." we'll be right back with bryan cranston everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ let's see what you got? rv -- covered. why would you pay for a hotel? i never do. motorcycles -- check. atv. i ride those. do you? no. boat. ahoy, mateys. house. hello, dear. hello. hello. van with airbrushed fire-breathing dragons. ah! check. thank you. the more you bundle, the more you save. now, that's progressive. black. no cream, 1 sugargar. with a bacon, egg, & cheese mcgriddles... why does she get a mcgriddles?

and jimmy will eat -- >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy. >> jimmy: what's wrong with you?kin. they also have one of the most vicious bites with bacteria on their teeth. >> jimmy: what is going on? get this thing off of me right now. [ laughter ] >> this is cool. hang on. we're going to do a selfie. look here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, god. i hate my life. i hate my life. [ cheers and applause ] >> so cool. that's awesome. >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> yeah. don't move though. >> jimmy: okay. can you get this off of me? >> okay, sure. his name's sid. they're from south america. it's a two-toed sloth. he's 7 months old. look at him. he's riding. he's like -- ♪ oh it's surfboard surfboard ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is that? that's not a song. >> oh, it is. >> jimmy: all right. >> this is the cutest thing in the entire world known to man. >> jimmy: it really is cute. >> look at that. >> jimmy: look at that sloth. >> just chewing away. >> jimmy: a 7-month-old sloth? >> unbelievable. named sid. two-toed sloth, and uh -- you can feel him. [ light laughter ] you can feel h

[ cheers ] >> go, jimmy! go, jimmy! go, jimmy! go, jimmy! go, jimmy! go, jimmy! go, jimmy!'s what i'm talking about. you guys -- amy schumer! [ cheers and applause ] more with amy schumer when we get back, you guys. ♪ no one says to stop and see the roses, but to stop and smell the roses. because scent makes us feel like nothing else can. inspired by the best feelings in the world. glade pepsi wild cherry. explosively cherry. you may be muddling through allergies. don't get caught off guard. try new zyrtec® dissolve tabs. powerful allergy relief now in a tablet that starts dissolving instantly. new zyrtec® dissolve tabs. now in a tablet that starts dissolving instantly. cj what's with the line? must have got a whiff of my hair. it's head & shoulders with fresh scent technology. it keeps me 100% flake free, and smells better than ever. i know, i'm running out of things to have signed. head & shoulders. you can't ignore the power of the whiff. and applebee's new grilled vidalia onion sirloin with that fresh-from-the-farm, sweet vidalia onion taste takes you straight to your s

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: talking to will. >> yeah. >> jimmy: no, will. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy:tioned that you look like chad smith of the red hot chili peppers. >> i had heard that. >> jimmy: yeah. and you responded by saying, "no. i am chad smith." >> that is true. >> it's not true. because he's not me. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but you said it was a a character that you --that will ferrell created called chad smith. >> correct. >> i was so pissed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what did you do, do you remember where you were when you heard that name? >> yeah, i was jamming. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: you were jamming. >> i was jamming with the chili peppers. >> jimmy: jamming within the chili peppers. >> yeah. at our jam house. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. how many jam houses do you guys have? >> in america? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, in america. >> four. >> jimmy: yeah, four. so you're at jam house number -- >> three. >> jimmy: three. and you see this thing online. >> i go through the roof. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm like, flea -- >> jimmy: you talked to flea first. >> yea

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. my name is jimmy.'m the host of the show. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming to our studios here in hollywood. happy cinco de mayo to each of you. guillermo, happy cinco de mayo to each of you as well. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: have you been celebrating tonight? >> just a little bit. >> jimmy: just a little bit. and what would that entail exactly, celebrating? >> just one shot. >> jimmy: one shot. [ laughter ] but he gets it with a hypodermic needle. [ laughter ] i bet i could get drunk just from sniffing your mustache tonight. [ laughter ] you know, a lot of americans think cinco de mayo is mexican independence day. it isn't. cinco de mayo commemorates mexico's unlikely victory over the french army in 1862, which not to rain on anyone's fiesta, but how unlikely is a victory over the french army? [ laughter ] i mean, it seems pretty likely to me. and while cinco de mayo, it's kind of a big deal here in the united states, in mexico it's not. what would be like the

>> jimmy: jimmy fallon. >> steve: what's that?jimmy: it's jimmy fallon. [ laughter ] >> steve: can i take a message? >> jimmy: happy cinco de mayo. [ laughter ] she's not there. [ cheers and applause ] the other big news today is that the white house released a a massive report on the effects of climate change, called the national climate assessment. which beats its original title, "it's getting hot in hurr." [ laughter ] that's right, the white house released a report on climate change. although the report might have more impact if they didn't release it right when the weather got nice. [ laughter ] it's actually -- i got to go play ultimate frisbee, dude. i'll definitely read that. [ laughter ] and this is pretty big. for the first time in 10 years, monica lewinsky is breaking her silence about her affair with bill clinton for a new essay in vanity fair. [ audience oohs ] in the essay she actually says, "it's time to burn the beret, bury the blue dress and move on." [ light laughter ] and americans said, "yeah, we did 15 years a

jimmy fallon is next. we hope to see you here tomorrow. >> bye-bye. >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- maya rudolph robert duvall musical guest, lily allen and featuring the legendary roots crew. and now, here's your host, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's what i'm talking about right there. looking good. welcome to the "tonight show" everybody. we're going to have some fun tonight, right? [ cheers and applause ] welcome to the show and thank you for watching at home. here's what people are talking about. just one day after donald sterling's explosive interview with cnn, anderson cooper sat down with magic johnson for a follow-up interview. and get this, at one point magic actually said he's praying for sterling. praying for him to get stuck in an elevator with beyonce's sister. [ cheers and applause ] that's right magic said he's praying for sterling.

i was like, "tell jimmy [ laughter ] >> jimmy: my mom told you? worked for "the hollywood >> jimmy: i know. it's a telephone game, yeah. >> my mom calls in a bad mood, she's telling me "last call" i'm like, "what do you know?" >> jimmy: you know some scoop. no, no, no nev >> "what do you "carson, are you si >> jimmy: well, you have -- wait. so, how many days of the week are you in new >> it's crazy. >> jimmy: ar where -- >> we're here. we're really based here. >> jimmy: do y are now? >> i do. i'm on "the tonight show", jimmy fallon. i'm stoked to be here, man. >> jimmy: oh, no, i love you but -- >> i'm so happy for y >> jimmy: oh, stop. are because you've got the "the voice" and then you come back then -- >> when we used to go on "snl," he would -- our office be next to each other. and we're both big music fans and he'd walk in with glasses on when i was doing "trl mtv and he'd be like, "hey, how about this for snl? "hi, i'm carson daly and i'm a a massive tool." [ laughter ] i would be laughing, you know, and i'd like, "i don't even wear glasses,

>> jimmy: dvd! >> steve: dvd! >> jimmy: hey, this is exciting news.nis star roger federer and his wife welcomed their second set of twins this week. >> tariq: second set of twins? >> jimmy: yeah. >> tariq: boy, talk about doubles tennis, am i right? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey tariq, what are you doing here? >> tariq: just stopping by to chat. [ laughter ] sprechen sie small talk? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i do like small talk, but i have to say you always pick the wrong time to chat. >> tariq: i heard that. hey you hear about this new monica lewinsky interview? she said, "it's time to bury the blue dress." yeah, and then bill clinton said, [ clinton voice ] "eww, you still have that?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's good. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> tariq: happy siete de mayo. >> jimmy: yeah, take care, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: listen to this. you guys, some residents in toronto want the city's public library to pull the dr. seuss book "hop on pop" because they say it en

>> jimmy: larry spiderman. >> attorney at law. >> jimmy: attorney at law.but it's good. [ laughter ] we're are going to do something fun and dangerous. it's our first "tonight show" pocket bike race. [ cheers ] now, we're going to get on these tiny motorcycles -- this is a bad idea -- and we're going to race two laps around the studio, out those double doors, down the hallway, around the back, and onto the floor up stage. two laps. first one to cross the finish line is the winner. andrew, these bikes are faster than they look. so like always, we'll be wearing helmets, because safety is sexy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there you go, that's good. thanks, brother. here we go. now higgins, you're going to count us down and start the race, right? >> steve: yep. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: i don't even how we're going to do this. okay. >> i don't agree -- >> jimmy: all right, all right. >> -- with this. >> jimmy: okay. >> what? is this too small -- >> jimmy: i don't know what to do here. all right higgins -- >> steve: gentelmen, start your engines! on your ma

and i love being interviewed by jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah?. but sometimes i have to admit. i, like, i would also like the interview me. >> jimmy: i know what you're talking about. we have a way to make this happen. >> how? >> jimmy: it's time for a lip flip. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's a lip flip when you flip your lip it's a lip flip yeah ♪ >> hey everyone, it's me jimmy fallon. you know me. i'm all about the yankees and the mets. [ laughter ] yo, yo, yo, yo, pepsi! [ laughter ] la, la, la, la -- pizza, pizza, pizza. sometimes i just say zaaa. [ laughter ] but, you know i'm just a a regular new yorker who likes to laugh. [ laughs ] [ laughter ] [ manic gibberish ] ah, anyway. enough about me. hey drew, what's going on with you? [ goofy voice ] >> jimmy: well, hello. i'm in a new movie with adam sandler. and he's like a precious flower and i you know what i really, really, really, really, really into right now? licking tree frogs. [ laughter ] i love licking tree frogs. i go down the street like, "tree frog tree frog tree frog tree frog."

>> jimmy: no.at happened to the outfit from "pretty woman"? do you have that? >> i'm so scared of everything you're saying. >> jimmy: i'm curious, is that something -- >> you mean the hooker outfit? >> jimmy: yeah, the hooker outfit. is that something that you own? >> no. no. should i make this more conversational? >> jimmy: you don't get to take that home? >> not in those days i didn't. >> jimmy: really? >> no. no. i would. but -- there were more than one. i think there were a few. one i know for certain was auctioned off for charity, and i think -- >> jimmy: that's weird. [ laughter ] [ applause ] slightly inappropriate. but i guess you can still make a difference. >> we do what we can. and i think a japanese corporation bought it and put it in their lobby. >> jimmy: oh, god only knows. [ laughter ] >> it's best ton think about it. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. i'm going to give you a chance to think about what's coming up in a few minutes. >> to panic? >> jimmy: no. because sally field

>> jimmy: j.n't know anything about it. >> steve: okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but, we'll discuss it. and on friday, oh man we love her so much. drew barrymore is here, she's teaming up with adam sandler again in a funny new movie called "blended." so drew will be here on friday. we're gonna do something fun with her. plus, we have performances from lily allen, and the cast of the ten-time tony nominated hit broadway musical, "a gentleman's guide to love and murder," it's gonna be a good week. [ cheers and applause ] so watch us all week, it's fun. but first, we have a fantastic show tonight, we're excited to have her here for the second night in a row, we have another import from nashville. dolly parton is going to talk, and perform a song from her new album "blue smoke." [ cheers and applause ] dolly is the best. she's so pretty, so nice, and so fun and talented. we just love having dolly parton anywhere around. we'll have dolly week. [ applause ] we should have dolly parton week. everybody love

i love jimmy fallon. i love jimmy kimmel.ut the jimmy i love most is jimmy choo. >> and this is not about us. it's about you. >> jimmy: what the hell is going on over there? [ laughter ] barbara's been gone what, four days? they're already begging for handouts. this is ridiculous. let me explain something because this seems to be a hard one for a lot of people to understand. the fact that jimmy fallon and i have the same first name does not mean we share responsibilities. [ laughter ] if he wants to send you pizza, that has nothing to do with me. just because my name is -- i'm not sending you anything. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in fact, you know where i am going to send pizzas? i'll tell you where. to "the talk." [ applause ] because i can't tell the difference between them and you either. [ laughter ] how dare you try to bully me? i might send pizza to kathie lee and hoda too. ebay is a big mess today. you know, the data base that had passwords and information for all 145 million e bay users got hacked. and becaus

he'll never see it coming. [ laughter ] [ normal voice ] hey jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: what's up higginsmmy: can i have your autograph? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: your weak. >> jimmy: here's another one here, "break a leg." that's good advice if you're saying it to an actor. that's bad advice if vladimir putin is saying to it one of his bodyguards. [ laughter ] [ imitating putin ] maybe break arm too, he , he, he. [ laughter ] next up there, "nothing lasts forever." that's very true. that's good advice if you are writing a eulogy. that's bad advice if you're writing your wedding vows. [ laughter ] you generally don't do that. that's not good advice. >> steve: hey man, we gave it a a shot. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not yet. >> steve: do you have a light? >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: yeah. >> so anyway i'm getting married right now, man. >> jimmy: you should try to get back to the alter. >> ahh, we'll try. >> jimmy: hey, man, i just lit that for you, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's an e cigarette. [ laughter ] you don't have to light those. that's melted plastic. like, don't

i'm jimmy, host of the show.hank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much for coming from wherever you were. and joining us here in beautiful hollywood. i assume tickets for the wax museum were sold out? we have a lot to cover tonight. it was an historic night of television on this network as mitch and cam from "modern family" finally tied the knot. and i tell you something. there has not been this much hype about a gay wedding on abc since every season of "the bachelor." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: i believe that. it is kind of, kind of a big deal. two male characters, main characters, get married. especially on a family sitcom. i think the last time that happened was, well, i guess it wasn't a sitcom, but bo and luke duke from "dukes of hazard." when they tied the knot. jesse tyler ferguson and eric stonestreet, the actors who play cam and mitch, have kind of become spokespeople for the same-sex marriage movement, which is kind of funny because eric stonestreet isn't gay,

>> jimmy: six. >> steve: 11. >> jimmy: one man yells six. >> steve: 11. >> jimmy: stop.>> good luck. good luck. >> jimmy: okay. >> okay. don't -- two words. second word. oh, dancing. oh, "dirty dancing." what? okay, first word. quiet dancing. don't look at me i'm a spy, i'm dancing. what's really -- dancing in the dark. i don't know. i don't know. "dirty dancing." what is it? help me. come on. [ cheers ] it's about dancing. it's about dancing. come on. >> jimmy: oh no, i can't think about -- >> something. something. >> sounds like, salute. salute dancing. >> jimmy: no, no. >> military dancing. spy, first word starts with -- dig. no, course, cook the butter. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: so close. >> secret dancer? >> jimmy: secret dancer is not it. >> steve: was it private dancer? >> jimmy: thank you, higgins, it's private dancer. >> steve: i'm a private dancer. >> oh, you were trying to do your privates. >> jimmy: i was going to point at my privates. [ laughter ] >> you couldn't have done that. >> jimmy: i know. everyone's too young. i remember that. >> beautiful dick dancer wou

>> guillermo: right, jimmy. >> jimmy: let me ask.ho do you think who works at the show is the most friendly person on the staff? >> guillermo: cleto sr. >> jimmy: cleto sr. >> jimmy: i would have to agree. cleto sr. who is the least friendly person on the staff, would you say? >> guillermo: brad, i don't remember his last name. brad. >> jimmy: brad. he is? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: wow. this morning, "time" magazine, every year, right after people releases its 50 most beautiful people issue, time releases its list of the 100 most influential people. usually i make both lists. but this year, i didn't even -- get on one. the people who did make this year's most influential, kerry washington, hillary clinton, pope francis, vladamir putin, pharell williams, and quiona, i didn't realize, a super food. very popular. beyonce is on the cover of time. beyonce really is influential. before beyonce, no one was ready for that jelly. but now many people across the world are well prepared for it. we are jelly ready. thanks to you. president oba

>> jimmy: please. >> no. >> jimmy: do it for us. >> no. >> jimmy: it's number 10. >> no, i can't do itpants? >> i like them. >> jimmy: she likes them, guillermo. >> yes, i do. >> great. >> jimmy: he likes them too. >> does he? do you wear lululemon pants? >> no, i don't wear them. >> jimmy: he's more of an admirer than anything. great to see you. i'm glad we could help with the album. i feel like we all played a part with it. and "american idol" wednesday and thursday nights on fox. jennifer lopez, everybody. we'll be right back with elisabeth moss. [ cheers and applause ] wireless routers have certain speeds going in. but with our xfinity wireless gateway, you get more speed going out, giving you three times faster in-home wi-fi. got it. we know what to do. first, without xfinity. oh. oh. and now xfinity. [ laughs ] that's my tablet. was your tablet. [ female announcer ] the fastest in-home wi-fi for all your devices -- the x1 entertainment operating system. only from xfinity. from sleepy man banjo boys. for seven seasons our next guest has played plucky and plaid-clad advertising cop

: hey guys. >> hola jimmy. >> jimmy: hello penelope. hello guillermo. what are you doing? >> i'm making coffee for everybody. >> jimmy: what is this? >> this is the new nespresso vertuoline. they love it! >> we love it! >> jimmy: yes, i can see that you love it, because you're out here instead of in there working. >> what do you mean? relax. >> jimmy: i mean you've got my stage manager, you've got my wardrobe guy, you have my hairstylist. look at this! there's nobody to paint my tiny little bald spot in. come on now, guys, i need everyone back to work! let's go. >> boo! >> you stupid jerk! >> jimmy: you stupid jerk! what is going on here? >> sit down, jimmy. >> jimmy: i don't have time. >> sit down. >> jimmy: i have to work. >> five minutes. sit down. you've never tried anything like this before. >> jimmy: mine? >> try it. >> jimmy: that is amazing. >> see, you stupid jerk?! >> jimmy: will you stop? what is this foam? >> it's called "crema." if the coffee is heaven, the crema is the clown. >> jimmy: the cloud? >> yeah, cloud. that's wha

>> jimmy: no, vintage.ame of my neighbor's wifi network is 'ice cream butt cheeks.'" [ laughter ] uh, yeah. won't be stealing that wifi. ice cream butt cheeks? this one is from @rhymeswithmeg. she says, "i had a neighbor who had a garage sale for three months straight because, quote, business was good." [ laughter ] still buying my garbage. >> steve: yeah, man. >> jimmy: this one's from @louismendoza14. he says, "my neighbor have a a santa figure that they leave up all year. on halloween they duct tape two gourds to his hands." [ laughter ] ho ho boo. [ dracula voice ] >> steve: boo, i'm santa claus. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this last one is from @desireestin. she says, "if we threw our frisbee or ball over the fence by accident, we would get it back with a note attached saying 'i hate kids.'" [ laughter and applause ] there you have it. those are our "tonight show" hashtags. to check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags. submit yours by downloading our "tonight show" app, available on it

right now on "jimmy kimmel liv >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- george stephanopoulos, "bachelorette" andi dorfman, and music from charles bradley. with cleto and the cletones. and now, and not a moment too soon, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. what a night. what a night of television. of dance and romance here on abc. earlier we were privileged to witness the beginning of a new season of "the bachelorette." season 10, another journey has begun. you know, christopher columbus went on a journey. lewis & clark. that was a journey. deciding which personal trainer to spend the next three months with, i'm not sure that qualifies as a journey. [ laughter ] i don't know that that meets the minimum journey requirements. but whatever you want to call, it the woman of the hour, or two-hour is a 26-year-old assistant district attorney named andi dorfman. she's the whoun during last season of "the bachelor" told juan pablo off and quit the show, which was mucho buen

. >> right now on jimmy kimmel, actress sandra >> dickey: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- sandra oh -- "science bob" pflugfelder -- this week in unnecessary censorship -- and music from boy george with cleto and the cletones. and now after all is said and done, here's jimmy kim el! [ cheers and applause ] . >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thank you for coming. so enthusiastic. i'm sure you've all heard by now that the clippers are for sale, whether the owner of the team wants to sell them or not. and you probably also heard the rumor that oprah and i are planning to buy the team together. i want to say i have no comment on that. right now it's an idea, it's nothing more, but people have been talking about it. and as soon as they did start -- as soon as my name came up in this conversation, sure enough, lo and behold, look who decided to throw his stupid hat in the ring. >> would you be interested in buying a piece of the clippers if it became available. >> i unfortunately don't have donald sterling money but if magic wants to put money in, i'll jump in to be a

." >> jimmy: oh, it's open.s great book. you gotta check it out. it comes out tomorrow. so everyone pick this thing up. and then you got a busy weekend because, man, you're in a a another adam sandler movie. and boy, oh boy, did you knock this one out of the park. just as funny as the others you were in. >> thanks, my man. >> jimmy: what were you in for -- you were in "longest yard?" >> "longest yard." adam basically called me. i played cheeseburger eddy. [ cheers ] he's like -- and adam, the way adam does it, he calls me up and he's, "man, you know, let's do this." and he's that kind of guy. if he likes your talent and he believes in you, he just puts you in. and now you gotta show him proof. you know what i mean? and then he put me in "click." i did a cameo in "click." this one -- >> jimmy: this one is off the chains for you. you are like a south african tom jones. >> tom jones. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: singing in the whole movie. every time there is an awkward moment or something you happen to be there with the

and now tonight's the night -- here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ "jimmy kimmel live" >> jimmy: i'm jimmy.elcome to the show. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. observing from backstage. this group here tonight you are among my top ten sweatiest audiences ever. very, very hot in southern california right now. not just because we have the best publicist. it got up to 101 degrees in hollywood today. although with the wind chill it was 98 degrees. you know they never had the wind chill in when it's hot do they. things are especially bad in san diego. actually go through life and you think you heard of every kind of weather condition. then out of nowhere, a polar vortex, there is thundersnow. well, folks about to introduce you to a new one, maybe new to me, i haven't heard of it. here in southern california today, we premiereed what i think is the first ever, firenado. that is nothing to laugh about. kind of like a sharknado, instead of sharks in the nado there is fire. if that isn't the work of satan, i don't know what is. i'll tell you. the fires are so bad they had to evacuate le

>> jimmy: i mean did you ever think that? >> no. >> jimmy: was there ever a a moment?, no, no never. >> jimmy: when you were thinking -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: that maybe everything you knew -- >> oh, no. >> jimmy: cause i was just like -- [ laughter ] do you know what i mean? >> i know exactly what you mean. >> jimmy: one final question. i know i'm not supposed to ask you this but is he your dad? >> yes. >> jimmy:thank you so much megan. >> thank you so much. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to megan boone for the interview. no spoilers. >> steve: no spoilers. >> jimmy: hey here's some good news for stoners. [ cheers ] a new study found that the number of new yorkers arrested with small amounts of the marijuana has gone down 9 percent this year. that's right because you know at this point even drug sniffing dogs are like, "oh come on, just legalize it. [ laughter ] i mean what is the big -- everyone else has done it. [ applause ] it's fine. i'll sniff something. yeah, whatever." [ laughter ] you guys this is cool. after working on a deal to sell his beats hea

guillermo, i got you a package. >> guillermo: thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: want to open it?o ahead. open it up. why are you nervous when you open stuff? as if i would do anything, as if i would do anything cruel to you. >> guillermo: i don't trust you. >> jimmy: how dare you? i brought you to this country, and you don't trust me? you see what that is? that's right. it's an original v. stiviano. cherish that. >> nice. >> jimmy: you look like they're starting a mexican daft punk. >> you look great with this thing. >> jimmy: earlier today hillary clinton gave the keynote address at the national council for behavioral health conference in maryland. she also held a q & a session afterwards. things got surprisingly personal. >> what is your guilty pleasure? [ laughter ] >> let's see. >> are there that many? >> i'm just trying to think of, you know, the g-rated ones. no. >> jimmy: well, hello, madam secretary. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know, it's prom season right now. it's also known as puke in a limo month. this weekend is the biggest weekend of the year for filling w

>> guillermo: yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: what's the temperature?> 146 degrees. >> jimmy: technically you're being proepd be being poached in there. are people at least giving you extra tips today, spongebob? >> not that much. >> jimmy: guillermo, tell people to give spongebob more money, all right. >> guillermo: give him more money, you son of a bitch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's dying out there. meanwhile, wonder woman is running around in a bathing suit. [ applause ] thank you, spongebob. the important thing is he loves what he does. that's really what it is. you know this heat couldn't have come at a worse time. we're still suffering through a severe drought here in southern california which puts us at risk for wildfires. there was one this morning in rancho cucamonga. local ktla reporter courtney friel was sent out to cover it and she discovered the area residents are frightened and concerned. >> ash and smoke blowing everywhere. and just asked the residents to stay inside. >> do you live around here? >> yeah. wow, you're super pretty. do you w

>> jimmy: yes.'t you? >> when we take a breath, 80% of what we actually breathe in is nitrogen. >> jimmy: not me. i breathe oxygen, bob. >> only 20%. so when they compress that, it loses a lot of energy, gets very cold. 196 degrees below zero centigra centigrade, 300 -- now -- 321 below zero fahrenheit. >> jimmy: right, i was going to correct you on that. i'm wearing them. >> we have liquid nitrogen, a vessel to put that in and then i'll show what you to do with it. are you okay handling that? >> jimmy: what should i do? lift it up? >> lift it up and pour it into here. >> jimmy: okay. i like that you use words like "vessel." >> it's kind of cool. >> jimmy: the whole thing? >> yeah, just kind of slowly there. what's kind of interesting about liquid nitrogen, when it turns into a gas, it's got a very high liquid-to-gas expansion ratio, which basically means it takes up a lot more room, like 700 times greater. keep going. >> jimmy: i feel like we've run out of fuel on the road and we're trying to get t

>> guillermo: yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: the temperature? >> 146 degrees. >> jimmy: are people at least giving you extra tip tuesday, sponge bob? >> not that much. >> jimmy: guillermo, tell people to give spongebob more money, all right. >> guillermo: give him more money you son of a -- >> jimmy: he is doing out there. meanwhile, one woman is running around in a bathing suit. thank you, spongebob. the important thing is he loves what he does. that's really what it its. you know this heat couldn't have come at a worse time. suffering through a severe drought in southern california which puts us at risk for wildfires. there was one this morning and a local reporter was sent out to cover it. she discovered area residents are fright frightened and conce. >> ash is blowing. ask the residents to stay inside. >> sir, do you live around here? >> wow, you are super pretty. do you want to go on a date some time? >> we are live right now. are you evacuating? >> yes. >> what do you think of it? >> it is pretty cool. >> jimmy: that's why they call them t

] when i -- >> jimmy: take care everybody. ♪ >> jimmy.jimmy: i'm sorry, i'm listening. i'm listening. >> it is a talk show. not a listen show. [ laughter ] i'm kidding. one of my best friends. >> jimmy: no this is fun. >> i know the story is getting winded already apparently. he's like -- so i was doing stand-up. i just got on "snl" but i hadn't been on yet so that reason they probably put me on. i go on as stand-up. it's right before johnny carson finishes, like the last two months. so i'm freaked out. it's very nerve wracking. so i go on there, i got my crummy little jokes. and i don't know what to wear. i'm from arizona. i'm this dirt ball. so i have a sleeveless flannel skateboard shirt. and then i put -- no one's checking me by the way. they don't even ask me what i'm wearing underneath. and then i have this cable crew from the gap half off rack. >> jimmy: were you nervous to go on carson? >> oh my god, it was sickening. >> jimmy: did you talk to the producers? well i talked to this guy. he goes -- he goes you go up there and you do

> jimmy: yeah.e's a very rude person. he's coming on the show tomorrow night. [ laughter ] we might not have time for him. >> steve: really? you might have to bump him? >> jimmy: i just found out from the booth. >> steve: oh wait, there's no time? >> jimmy: we have no time for him tomorrow. [ light laughter ] >> steve: the commercials went long. >> jimmy: yeah. we have a great show tonight. gosh, i'm so excited. he's one of the best ever. he hasn't done a late night show for 13 years. hasn't performed on a late night show. but he chose our show. he's going to come on. he's going to perform. he's going to talk. billy joel is stopping by! [ cheers and applause ] legend! my man! and i couldn't be happier to have her here. she's doing great work around the world with the clinton foundation. chelsea clinton is here! [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be fun. guys, it's time for "tonight show" hashtags. here we go. ♪ >> jimmy: you guys are on twitter, right? [ cheers and applause ] it's fun. well, we u

and now, first of all, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ "jimmy kimmel live" and now, here's jimmy kimmel! cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thank you for coming to visit us here. guillermo and i are very grateful. here is how it will work. have some laughs, a couple drinks and see where the night takes us, okay. before we get going, i want to mention something. like most americans i spend a lot of my time at workshoping online. that's why the show isn't very good. so i was on the william sonoma website buying a multichopper, i always look at the sale section to see what else i can buy that i don't need. i came across this item. a chocolate easter bunny. which was reduced from $14.95 to $9.99. and i have a number of question as but this. the only one that matters, who is buying chocolate easter bunnies in may? i mean, it's not like chocolate isn't available in other shapes. can you imagine your wife comes home, a full month after easter, sitting at the kitchen table chocolate bunny all over your face. probably dial 911, right. if you did buy a chocolate bunny, if yo

>> jimmy: yeah. was watching the news report i noticed something kind of weird on the screen behind the reporter. take a look at this. >> if someone in the city were to send a text to 911 they would automatically get a a message back telling them to call emergency responders instead. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: look at what they're texting. >> steve: 911, what's your emergency? >> jimmy: hugs and kisses, hugs and kisses, hugs and kisses. >> steve: we'll be right over there sir. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: hugs and kisses. i read that las vegas has withdrawn its bid to host the 2016 gop convention because it won't be ready in time. when asked why, vegas said, "we just don't have enough prostitutes." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] we're laughing because we know that's not true. >> steve: yeah exactly. comical. >> jimmy: and this isn't good. it was reported that the state department's e-mail system was down for several hours this week. well, at least that's what they're telling biden whe

♪ "jimmy kimmel live" >> jimmy: thank you very much.t's tuesday to end all tuesdays. [ cheers and applause ] you guys, i feel like i know the answer. how are you guys feeling tonight? not individually. as a group. everybody okay? [ applause ] glad to hear that. according to the white house we are all about to die. the white house just released the national climate assessment. a lengthy report on the effect climate change is having on our country. it is 800 pages long, which seems like a lot of trees to kill for a report on the environment. but it is not encouraging. for humans. for rattlesnakes it is great. but for humans problematic. we can expect more fires and drought in the southwest. alaska is going to melt. coastlines will be flooded. which are all bad things. the report says climate change was once considered an issue for the future. it moved firmly into the present. i don't know maybe the climate hasn't changed. maybe we have changed. have you ever thought about that. what happened to change is good? now it is bad. earlier today

>> jimmy: respect. >> respect. respectfully. >> jimmy: respectfully, yeah.gs "respectfully" to see if anyone would get he reference, like "aura is purple." nope. [ laughter ] >> i will always get the reference from "almost famous." >> jimmy: but thank you, stone bone for coming to the show. >> thank you for fallonius monk for having me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now let's talk about you. every time you come on the show you tell me about something cool, something i should be into, different types of things. what internet sites should i be visiting now? what are you checking out these days? >> what kind of internet sites? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, what sites? [ laughter ] >> well let me sift through my rolodex. >> jimmy: yeah. >> lately i've been checking out some young mom blogs. >> jimmy: mm-hmm. >> here's how it happened. [ laughter ] i was -- now, this is a pretty amazing section of the internet, if you have not checked this out. >> jimmy okay. >> there are people blogging about pretty much everything. but there are women that are my age that are mothers. >

>> i'm good, jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: i don't know if you remember.t at a party once like seven or eight years ago. >> yes. >> jimmy: and i felt like we really hit it off. i really did. >> we did. >> jimmy: we talked for a very long time. >> we did. it was a very glamorous hamptons party. >> jimmy: that's right. >> and we discussed our mutual obsession with "lost" and why two grown men were addicted to a metaphysical soap opera set on a desert island. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was one of those very fancy affairs where the staff is better looking than the guests. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, right. the waiters. >> well, yes. it was like an abercrombie & fitch catalog came to life and did the catering. and i don't know about you, i always feel a certain shame, asking extremely pretty people to bring you things. food and drinks. like they're looking at you like, you know, if you didn't eat and drink so much you too could look airbrushed and stunning. but no, you never will. you'll remain on the island of misfit toys for all eternity, chubby boy. maybe i'm readi

>> jimmy: no that's okay.'t you just tell me what 18 to 29-year-olds are wearing these days. >> you know, fubu, 8 ball jackets, planet hollywood tee shirts, sour patch kids. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right you're just not convincing me here, okay? >> fine do you want to see my id old man? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah i do. stop calling me old man. i think you're older than me. [ laughter ] >> waazzaap. >> jimmy: that's a card that says craig is 23 on it. >> oh, man, i got to go. my beeper is beeping. [ laughter ] but hey, yo i love the show jimmy. spk for life. >> jimmy: what's spk? >> sour patch kids old man. >> jimmy: all right, craig newton everyone. there he his, craig newton. [ cheers and applause ] craig newton everybody. still -- craig is everything okay where you are? it looks like the walls are moving craig. chris kattan right there ladies and gentlemen. >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: yeah. check this out. this is kind of big actually. researchers in italy found the bones of a woman b

>> jimmy: yeah. ] doesn't matter. doesn't matter anymore. it doesn't matter anymore. >> i do watch your show. >> jimmy: i'm kidding. i'm joking, i'm joking. >> we like you. >> jimmy: i know, i know. i love you. i love you. but here's this. you got "rosemary's baby." for those who haven't seen the film, what is it about? >> i play a woman that delivers satan's child. >> jimmy: there you go. right there. that's it, yeah. [ laughter ] it's scary, you move into an apartment and you think your husband and his neighbors are satanic. >> yes, and they appear to be the most hospitable surrogate parents anybody can have as neighbors, and there is something very sinister and the more and more my character dives into the lives of these people. the darker it becomes, and then it's just too late for her to get out. >> jimmy: wow, i can't wait to see it. it's like a two night deal, right? >> yes. it airs sunday on mother's day. i mean -- >> jimmy: of course. [ laughter and applause ] genius. that is genius! >> nbc,

♪ ♪ [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.nk you for watching. thank you for being here tonight. thank you for joining us on "air conditioning appreciation week" in los angeles. it was very hot today. it got up to 98 degrees here in hollywood. in the valley, it was over a hundred. this is not a good week to be a superhero out on hollywood blvd. truth be told no week is. but especially this one. on the plus side, i guess the heat is good practice for when we all go to hell. which we will. i was in new york for the last couple of days. yesterday morning in new york i swear this is true, for breakfast, i ordered a hot dog as an appetizer for breakfast. then i had the main course of three eggs and a bagel. and about six pickles. and then i had four slices of pizza on the way to the airport. which, for me, is a show of restraint. anything less than a whole pizza is a win! we've got a fun show for you tonight with emily blunt, the birds of satan and daymond john from "shark tank." can we show the machine? and also we have a group of

and now, as a matter of fact, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome.hank you for watching. thank you for coming to join us here. and yes, i am -- in case you're wondering what this is around my neck, i am wearing a bow tie. this is a gift from one of our guests tonight, jesse tyler ferguson, jesse started a charitable organization, called tie the knot. i spent the last two and a half hours trying to do just that. it's hard to tie a bow tie without your dad helping, you know? my wife is pregnant. i decided to night while i was trying to put this on i will not help the doctor with the umbilical cord. i'm going to leave that up to her. it was a -- oh, it was a very big day for l.a. sports today. donald sterling, the beloved owner of the los angeles clippers, as you know, was captured on tape saying very racist things to his girlfriend. the tape came out over the weekend. and since then, most everyone with a head has been calling for his head. and today adam silver, new commissioner of the nba, is getting a lot of praise for handing down the toughest punis

again. >> jimmy: welcome ba >> jimmy: welcome back. with kobe bryant. i just have a minute.ackson has been telling a story about you, you are young, met michael jordan. according to phil he says that you told michael jordan that you would kick his ass one-on-one. >> i mean, half truth. you know. phil, phil, as much as i love phil, phil likes to embellish. phil, you know. he writes books a lot. he has to market those books. but, the other story, you know, michael, you know, dishing it out to me as well. >> jimmy: that doesn't surprise me. >> yeah, i mean, you know. years later, after i scored 81, he was barking at how i could never do it against him. there's no way you're going to score 80 on me, i would have fouled out. would have gone back and forth. i try to stay cool when it comes to m.j. because i like him so much. on that particular occasion i had to remind him that i did have 42 1/2 against him. >> jimmy: you dunked a lot. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. but, phil -- phil loves embellishing. i told him at some point you are going to have to give me royalties off your books. >> ji

and now here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ "jimmy kimmel live" >> jimmy: hi, everyone, i'm jimmy.'m the host of the show. thank you for watching. and thank you for coming to see us here in hollywood. [ cheers and applause ] i know this is a little off subject. first question, does anyone know where i can buy some linens and things? we have much in store for you this evening. the writer/director/star of a new movie, "chef," which i enjoyed thoroughly, jon favreau is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i saw it last night. it is about a chef played by jon, his ex-wife in the movie, sophia vergera and his girlfriend is scarlet johannsen, especially good at casting. also tonight we will be joined by a gifted, likable, pharell williams. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: your mother calls him purell williams. tonight we will find out what the hell he is so happy about. pharell, we will compete in the what we are calling the twofie shootout, you know what a selfie is, a twofie, you don't know, is a picture you take of yourself and another person. you're either twice a

i'm good, jimmy, jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: we met at a party seven or eight years ago. we hit it off. i really did. >> we did. >> jimmy: we talked for a very long time. >> we did. a very glamorous hampton's party. we discussed our mutual obsession with "lost" and why two grown men were addicted to a metaphysical soap opera set on a desert island. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was one of those fancy affairs where, the staff, is better looking than the guests. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, the waiters. >> yeah, like an abercrombie & fitch catalog came to life, the caterers. i always feel a certain all. shame, asking extremely pretty people to bring you things. food and drinks. if you didn't eat and drink so brushed.u too could look air no, you never will, you will remain on the island of misfit toys for all of eternity, chubby boy. so maybe, i am reading too much into that. >> jimmy: i think you were. >> maybe they were thinking of the complicated plot of lost. underneath we are all the same. why can't donald srling understand that? >> i don't know. have you been following that situation

. >> jimmy: yeah, not the ring. you step in the rink with me. [ laughter ] >> steve: you would fight the hockey players? >> jimmy: no, i can't play hockey. i like montreal, but you know, they challenged me to this bet. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: they bet that the rangers are going lose. that's the new york rangers. i can't let that happen. >> steve: no. >> jimmy: so this thursday in new york, go rangers. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, this is cool. i saw that pope francis is going to bring a rabbi and a a muslim leader with him when he travels to the holy land this week. or as bartenders put it, we've been expecting you. [ laughter ] finally. the pope, a rabbi -- [ laughter ] this isn't good. kraft is recalling more than one million cases of cottage

it's just not us. >> jimmy is the lifestyle. he can relate to a 17-year-old kid or a 60-year-old guy. it doesn't make a difference. >> don king, sales rep for new jersey based shot leather company says his relationship with most customers is not typical of post-buyers. that's what makes him so good on his job. >> he's the guy at the front of the line a. lot of buyers are sitting behind the desk, they're not as intimate or passion about what their customers specifically are looking for. >> there is something about me being with ray. there is a pajic between us. we know we can look at a leopard towing and say that's the right one. we can look at a big fur, you just know. can you put on a big hat or a little gentleman's hat. i don't even wear hats. i'll put on a hat to buy a hat. >> sometimes jimny and i agree on something, it's you fam from the get-go. other times it taims takes convincing from one to the other. i listen to his argument why it might not be right. then we make a sort of a decision, you know, whether or not to buy i

♪ ♪ [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.nk you for watching. thank you for being here tonight.

. >> jimmy: i came and visited you shortly after you had hazel. >> brand new. the way he holds the baby. >> hold her? he was burping her. >> jimmy: had her in a weird chokehold. how steven segal hold his kid. yeah, like over the face. there was a weird.