jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- whoopi goldberg, rashida jones, chef tom colicchio and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: gobble, gobble. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: happy thanksgiving! thank you so much, everybody. that's what i'm talking about. welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. happy thanksgiving, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] happy thanksgiving. i hope you all had a great meal with your family and that all your siblings are doing just a a little bit worse than you are. i just really -- [ laughter ] "pass the bar. i mean gravy. i passed the bar. it doesn't matter, doesn't matter." of course, today was the macy's thanksgiving day parade. oh, man. you know, i can still remember when i was a kid, sitting on my dad's shoulders so i could see everything. my dad saying, "why the hell are we doing this, when we're just watching tv?" [ laughter and applause ] it felt exciting, you know? everybody loves t

>> jimmy: hey! yeah! >> hi! >> jimmy: reese witherspoon!our desk. >> jimmy: you always bring fun things for me. this is so beaut -- aww! >> that's the dad and the little baby. >> jimmy: aww. little baby right there. >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh. this is so beautiful. i love it. i'm going to leave it on my desk for the rest of the week. >> good! >> jimmy: for the rest of the month. is that better? >> perfect. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no reaction. sometimes they react, sometimes they don't feel like reacting. >> they're tired, jimmy, okay? >> jimmy: they don't -- i don't know. i don't know what's going on. >> don't pressure them, okay? >> jimmy: i don't wanna pressure anyone. there's no pressure here at all. >> okay. >> jimmy: congratulations on the cover of "glar" magazine. >> thank you! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love "gla-r." i read it cover to cover. [ applause ] >> you do? >> jimmy: every week. >> you get a lot of tips? >> jimmy: yeah, i get a lot of tips. i'm like, "oh, my gosh!" >> like moisturizers and sunscreen. [ stupid voices ] >>

. >> jimmy: oyelowo. >> which is o and a yellow and an o. >> jimmy: fantastic. >> okay, got it. >> jimmy>> got it. >> jimmy: the faster i say it, it's easier to say it. >> david oyelowo. >> jimmy: david oyelowo. yeah, exactly. i love seeing you also acting, too, because have you ever thought of just scrapping everything and just acting full time? >> well, originally, the reason why i took over ownership of "the oprah winfrey show." you know, i owned that show. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah, the reason i took over ownership of the show is because i first wanted to be in "the color purple." i had bosses who told me i only had two weeks to work on "the color purple." this is a true story. i always tell true stories. [ laughter ] so i had bosses who said, "you only have two weeks." and i needed two months. so i gave up all of my vacation for the entire duration of my contract in order to do the movie "the color purple." and then when it came time to renegotiate, my lawyer at the time, jeff jacobs, said, "you never want to be in that position again. you want to own yourself. you never have to ask y

>> jimmy: no, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: trust me. no, no, no. >> royal shakespearean academy. but i did -- i did -- [ laughter ] i did "willy wonka and the chocolate factory." i played an oompa loompa in elementary school. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! i try to get down to the real nitty gritty. that's what we wand to know! [ cheers and applause ] about the oompa loompa. wait. you were an oompa loompa? >> i was an oompa loompa. >> jimmy: that's good! >> iad a monologue, too. i don't remember it. you would think i'd remember it the way i obsess over learning my lines. my biggest fear is not being prepared. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but, no. all i remember is the -- ♪ oompa loompa doo-pa-dee-doo ♪ [ laughter ] we had the song but i had one monologue. jimmy: you had the makeup? were you like orge and -- >> not at that -- it was a public school in boston. we didn't have much of anything. [ laughter ] you basically you're wearing your brother, ur brother's jacket if he was still asleep when i went to school. or i'd take h

jimmy: was it worth it?w if it was worth it. >> steve: dire financial times. totally worth it. >> jimmy: i'm not sure. i'm not sure. [ laughter ] you guys see this? in a new interview, president obama said that he recently deejayed a small dance party at the white house. [ laughter ] obama has a lot in common with deejays. he takes requests and then completely ignores them. [ laughter and applause ] i heard what you said. i heard what you said, but i'm going to do something else. he deejayed a small dance party at the white house, yeah. well, as opposed to the usual white house dance party when biden reenacts the scene from "risky business." ♪ ♪ [ rhythmic clapping ] ♪ ♪ >> steve: james! [ music stops ] [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ [ music stops ] aohs >> steve: oh! [ laughter ] [ somber music ] ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ it was my father's. he played it, played it on the streets trying to earn money for our family. he spent most -- [ music switches ] ♪ [ rhythmic clapping ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: put that away. so s

>> hey, jimmy. >> jimmy: thanks for coming.eed help. >> that's right. >> jimmy: so what is this? part of your -- >> that's our tool belt. we want to get our tools ready so we'll have everything handy. >> jimmy: where do you get this? >> let me strap you in here. >> jimmy: thank you. what do you call a tool belt like this? >> well, we call it very handy. that's what we call it. >> jimmy: i have no tools in my belt. >> i'm going to show you. i have the tools here for you. you always need not one but two pair of scissors. >> jimmy: why? >> one for paper and then you need one for ribbon and that's why i tie a ribbon on here, it know that's for ribbon, so it is always sharp. i'm going to stick those in there. after we cut it apart, we're going to put it back together, tape. it's scotch magic. it really makes amazing gift wrap. single sided and double-sided tape. >> jimmy: you really thought about this a lot. >> pens and pencils, when you're ready for a name tag. >> jimmy: why do you need a pencil? >> if you are measuring something,

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> jimmy: thank you, everybody. thank you, cleto.i, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to each and every one of you for coming. well, that's very nice. i'm glad you're in a good mood. we have a fun show for you tonight. kind of a weird thing happened. we book guests who appear on the show well in advance of their appearance. we figure out when their movies or whatever are coming out, we book them to promote those movies. this won't mean a whole lot if you didn't watch "breaking bad," but if you did, you know that a reunion of sorts is happening. aaron paul and krysten ritter are here. jesse and jane were basically the ross and rachel of me methamphetamine. their relationship did not end well. she choked to death, jimmy hin distribution style. bu but now she's back to life and she's here tonight. miracles do happen. by the way, christmas is coming, which means it is that magical time of the year when it's hard to tell if you're having a snack or eating a scented candle. these are -- i was in the superm

>> jimmy: yeah. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes!: after you. ♪ [ audience ohs ] [ cheers ] [ laughter ] ♪ [ audience ohs ] ♪ >> that was awful, awful. >> jimmy: no, it wasn't. there's no reason that you should be good at this. [ laughter ] >> come on, martin! oh. and there's every reason you should be good at it. >> jimmy: that is true. [ audience ohs ] ♪ >> jimmy: it feels good. it feels powerful. ♪ ♪ [ audience ohs ] >> i think they're getting faster. ohh. >> jimmy: moving target. >> hey! ♪ [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: all right. come on. [ laughter ] sorry, sorry. that was -- >> oh, man. >> jimmy: okay. yes! the tiniest -- the hardest one! [ cheers and applause ] oh, you're a good man. that's what i'm talking about! martin freeman, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "the hobbit: the battle of the five armies" is in theaters everywhere december 17th. megan mullally joins us next, everybody. martin freeman! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ julia: who's ready for their favorite present from their favorite aunt? boy: is she here? julia: yeah.

we talk. >> jimmy: you do? >> we do talk. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah.id the music for "top five." >> jimmy: that's right! he's the executive music producer on "top five." congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] i got to say -- >> we had to do the whole soundtrack while he was doing a a taco bell commercial. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he does a lot of things. >> yeah, yeah. we had to go to the set of the commercial. >> jimmy: he doesn't do -- >> to get all of the -- >> jimmy: he does not do a a commercial for taco bell. >> you haven't seen it yet! they're going to show it on the superbowl. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. yeah, maybe he does. i have no idea. >> it's called "drum to the border". [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: this article -- i don't know if you read or read the articles that come out about you. >> i don't read nothing, man. >> jimmy: you don't? this article is the best article i've read in a long time on anyone. >> really? >> jimmy: it was fantastic. >> thank you, man. >> jimmy: you were so good. and i'll say this because i want you to know thi

>> jimmy: all right. >> steve: oh, my gosh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we'll check in with pat later on the story. thank you, pat, for that. >> steve: man in the street. >> jimmy: stray dogs. you've got to watch out for those things. [ laughter ] but hey, we're not the only ones who are worried about this thing. in fact, north korea announced last week they're closing their borders -- [ light laughter ] to all tourists to prevent the potential spread of the ebola virus. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: that's right. when they heard that, people in north korea were like -- [ coughing ] [ laughter ] "i have to leave i think? it's your rules. take care, man. i gotta go. i think i have --" [ applause ] leave north korea? hey, listen to this, you guys. starbucks says it's coming out with a new chestnut praline latte next month. [ cheers ] that's right. chestnut praline latte. sounds less like a drink, more like a stripper giving her full name. [ laughter ] >> steve: can you state your name for the court? >> jimmy: yes, yo

>> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: are you really? >> you know what, i am, jimmy. i am. >> jimmy: why? hard for me. when people say, where's your favorite place to go? i haven't been to a lot of beautiful places in this world because i really have -- i struggle with it. >> jimmy: so, what do you do? how do you handle it? do you medicate yourself? >> no, i don't. judy garland yourself. no, i -- but i have to say, on british airways -- what are you going to talk to me about? >> jimmy: it's all on there. you have your reading glasses? you can do the interview yourself. >> i know. that would be fun. but actually, british airways, the new big plane, they had, you know, they have the movies, television, documentaries. and they had this one on the television section that said "flying with confidence." and i was like, i'd like to fly with confidence. [ laughter ] badly, actually. it's sort of like after the meal and people are starting to sort of fall asleep and it's dark, i have my headphones on, just like, praying i'll live. and i turn on this video and this lovely british airway, you know,

yeah. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, jimmy. was so interesting to me in so many different ways because i thought -- one, it's like a little racial that he thought i was -- but it's like, she won a nobel prize, like, i'll take that. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> i do pretty well, but that's like way better. she's 17. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> i'm twice her age. so, it was -- it was pretty -- >> jimmy: what did he say when you told him "i'm not malala"? >> i did not tell him. >> jimmy: well -- >> no. >> jimmy: i assume things are going very well on "the mindy project" currently? >> yeah. things are going very well. >> jimmy: you ever take situations like from your real dating life and put them on the show and have, like, an event maybe that somebody would recognize? >> you know, that's a very good question. >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> in fact, i do, a lot of times, and people -- oh, my god. darren? darren, is that you? >> ah, yeah, yeah, hi, mindy. >> jimmy: who -- you know each other? >> yeah, actually, we used to date. >> jimm

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome.i, how are you? thank you, cleto. hi, everybody, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to each and every one of you for coming and for joining us. you know, this is a holiday night and tonight -- [ cheers and applause ] well, thank you. tonight, in case you didn't know, tonight is the first night of hanukkah. and i have to say, who better to celebrate hanukkah with than garth brooks, right? [ cheers and applause ] hanukkah, for those of you who aren't overly familiar with it, is -- the reason cashiers say happy holidays instead of merry christmas when you're at jamba juice or wherever. here in los angeles, we celebrate hanukkah by lighting a medicinal menorah. [ laughter ] makes it a lot more fun. i will say, the one gift a night thing for eight nights is a very good idea, everybody should do that. children are like goldfish. if you give them too much at once, they will explode. they will take it all and it is also good for when you give gadgets to older r

>> hi, i'm elise. >> jimmy: elise? >> yes. >> jimmy: elise, where you from?the city. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. texas. i love texas. now you already have a a beautiful christmas sweater. >> thank you. >> jimmy: right there. but i don't know, i mean, this is -- this is pretty un-toppable right here. would you like to try this one on? >> i would love to try this one on. >> jimmy: just try this on. yeah, yeah. here you go. do you want to put it right over? >> sure. >> jimmy: i don't know how this works. there's no wrong way to put on a christmas sweater. oh, already i know this is going to be a classic. oh, yeah. already i like it. looks like a shawl. hey, it almost works better with your sweater. look at this. that's what i'm talking about. gorgeous. [ cheers and applause ] oh, my god, beautiful! that's fantastic. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: that's great. nice to meet you. thank you so much. congratulations. enjoy. you guys, stick around. be right back with more of "the tonight show"! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ huh, fift

>> jimmy. >> jimmy: yes?ou would say c3. >> interesting, yes. >> jimmy: chris, c-h-r-i-s. c4. [ laughter ] yes! [ cheers and applause ] >> wait, is that you? you have to put the thing -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. i put the marker in. yeah, here we go. >> so, then you put this -- >> jimmy: oh, it's tequila! oh, my god. [ cheers and applause ] that means it's the middle! that means it's a middle of a a boat! >> no, you don't get to go again, man. >> jimmy: that means it's the middle of the boat! >> you don't get to go again. it's my turn! >> jimmy: yes. it's your turn, yeah. >> yeah, man. >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. [ laughter ] i'm just saying. i'm thinking out loud, man. >> come on. >> jimmy: so happy you came on the show, man. no, hey, whoa! >> okay. jimmy? >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. i can hear you. [ laughter ] >> franklin 6. >> jimmy: yes. what did you say? >> f6! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, okay. i thought you said franklin says -- i'm like, "okay, he is going to do an impression of benjamin franklin."

: jimmy fallon. >> -- jimmy fallon!s and applause ] >> jimmy: i think it turned out -- [ laughter and applause ] my thanks to jiminy glick for having me on his show. stick around. we'll be right back with martin short, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ the world is your snowball see how it grows. ♪ ♪ that's how it goes whenever it snows. ♪ ♪ the world is your snowball just for a song. ♪ ♪ get out and move it along. ♪ into one you'll never forget. earn triple points when you book with the expedia app. expedia plus rewards. play the 5 gum truth or dare challenge and you could win a sensory adventure. waiter: yep. new gingerbread french toast and pumpkin pancakes. but they're only around for a limited time. girl: can i still get it if i'm on the naughty list? waiter, chuckling: i think you'll be fine. [bell rings] waitress: welcome to denny's! ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our hilarious first guest is the definition of entertainer. he stars in the sitcom "mulaney." he has a new memoir which is so, so fun to

i'm jimmy fallon. you can tell it's jimmy fallon from my face. i'm jimmy fallon. absolute gospel truth. and i want you all to remember it whenever you think of the name jimmy fallon. i'm jimmy fallon and i shave my balls. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: me, too! [ laughter ] >> oh, oh. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ shaving all day saving all night shaving all day ♪ >> jimmy: just like mum used to sing all the time. [ laughter ] now, really, jimmy. i really wanted to sing a song with you. if you don't mind. would you like to sing a song with me, jimmy, please? a little christmas. >> i'd love to sing a song with you. [ laughter ] oh, god. ♪ come they told me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum a newborn king to see pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪ ♪ our finest gifts we bring pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ to lay before the king pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum ♪ ♪ peace on earth come they told me pa rum pum pum pum can it be ♪ ♪ years from now perhaps we'll see you'll see the day of glory ♪ ♪ see the day when man of good will live in peace live i

>> jimmy: what's that? >> the bucket hat. >> jimmy: bucket hat?r peripheral vision? >> jimmy: no, i just go for it. i just like you know -- >> you do one hand? >> jimmy: one hand leaning back. i'm like a manly guy. it must be tough -- >> one of your episodes should be just jimmy and his truck. >> jimmy: well the thing is, when you're right next to two manly guys like this, it must be intimidating. you don't know what to do with yourself. >> i can't even speak right now. >> jimmy: that's how tough i am. do you drive cars in "elementary"? >> no. i mean they do, but it's an automatic and it's like a a beaten up old car. >> jimmy: its very new york. you're always walking, and chasing, and running. >> something nice. you got a new car, so what's going to happen? you ever see those cars they have the like little rubber bumpers, like it's going to do anything. >> jimmy: like turtle neck for your bumper? yeah, yeah, yeah. >> it's a tea cozy. to save you from damaging the car in new york city. no i'm just saying you have a a new car in new york. i have an

>> jimmy: yeah.e says, "after opening presents my sister walked up to my parents and said, 'i'm not complaining, i'm just asking, is this it?'" [ laughter and applause ] i'm not complaining. everything's -- i had fun so far. everyone had a great time. is this it? is this it? >> steve: thanks for the jean vest, but -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the jean vest. >> steve: that's all i get? alright. >> jimmy: okay, man. just wondering. i was just asking. that's all. last one's from @kegrun. he says, "i heard santa in the living room. mom stopped me from going to see him by telling me he throws salt in my eyes and blind me." [ laughter ] santa will -- throw salt in your eyes and blind you. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: if you go in that room. merry christmas. oh, my goodness. >> steve: claus. c-l-a-w-s. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] this one's from @ryancallahanapa. he says, "my dad gave us a a foosball table and accidently put all the players facing the same way. told us they were one big team." [ laughter ] so th

loop, jimmy. >> jimmy: i guess i'm not. >> i wrote this story when i was 14. >> jimmy: oh, really?at in my bedroom by myself and wrote stories for fun. >> jimmy: i see. you remembered this story, did you tell your parents and share? >> i told my mom at the time and she was like, honey, you should publish that. that's really quite good. and i was 14, so i didn't know anything about publishing. and my mom thought everything i did was quite good. >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> it must have stuck. i carried around the piece of paper. i didn't have a computer. this is when the dinosaurs roamed the earth. i was a young child. i kept it, like, i kept the piece of paper. i carried it around with me. >> jimmy: why did you carry it around? why not put it in a drawer or something? [ laughter ] this is the whole story on the piece of paper? >> yeah, except, except, you remember when i was on your show all that time ago, i swear to god, a decade ago, and my house burned down, do you remember that? >> jimmy: yes. i burned it down. i figured it would be a fun anecdote. >> the piece of paper burned in

>> jimmy: yes.on? >> i don't know who the hell that was. i'm sure it was somebody. >> jimmy: okay. >> a princess or something. >> jimmy: i see. is this where -- do people still get the water from this tower or is it defunct? [ laughter ] >> what are you talking about? >> jimmy: you're not from ada at all. [ laughter ] you grew up in new york! >> we never thought about the fact that there may be water in that. it's just a landmark. it's the tallest building in ada. >> jimmy: how tall is this water tower? >> i don't know. it's -- >> jimmy: you don't know. >> growing up, it was huge. >> jimmy: have you ever been to ada, oklahoma? >> i never gave a crap about that water tower until i left and now it says ada on it, it's a big deal. >> jimmy: do you ever climb on top of it or, nothing like that? no. >> people that ever tried to climb up that are dead. >> jimmy: oh, they are. [ laughter ] do you think that was a good place -- looking back, was it a good place to grow up? >> yeah, definitely was. you know,

years. >> jimmy: i'm going to come to this. >> it costs money, jimmy. >> jimmy: i'll pay to come. to order -- >> jimmy: and then you're performing in las vegas. you still love going on stage? >> you know, god has been good to me in the sense that this is still with me and, you know, this leg, the poison went into the leg, seriously, could have been very, very bad. thank god, i'm working on it, it will come back. i sit in a chair like i am now and i ha ha ha with the jokes. and the boss goes, $4 million -- there it is, don, thank you so much. >> jimmy: $4 million? you could give me a comp then, i think. >> you don't make that? >> jimmy: no. >> boy, this network is screwing you bad, boy. i tell you that. >> jimmy: you are also set to be a part of "toy story 4," the next "toy story" is coming out. [ cheers and applause ] some of the best movies ever. >> tomorrow night's the special. >> jimmy: tomorrow night here on abc. >> those people at disney are great, you know? my grandsons, they love it and the kids love it. >> jimmy: have you ever played with the mr. potato head doll? >> in th

>> jimmy: the russian -- >> guy from nepal. >> jimmy: guy from nepal, he loves "delta time." >> jimmy [ laughter ] we like to use all the influences around us. >> jimmy: you didn't even write the song before you got in to make the song. >> i don't think we even played the song before we got in there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i really like "delta time." >> thank you. >> jimmy: but i'm happy you chose other things to do. [ laughter ] you're a good actor and great comedian. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: and "night at the museum," these movies, the other two, have made, i'm not kidding, almost a a billion dollars. did you know that? >> i've been told that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. >> that is unbelievable. it's crazy. >> jimmy: and this one, "secret of the tomb," this one, kind of ties everything up. >> yeah, it's sort of the ending. you know, the tablet is starting to corrode and all the creatures are starting to malfunction and deteriorate, and so we have to figure out what's wrong with the tablet. and it leads us to the british museum where the pharoah wh

, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- mel brooks. from "into the woods," christine baranski. this year in unnecessary censorship. and music from jenny lewis. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the most of the show thank you for the watching. happy holidays to everyone. do you like my look? i bought this -- i bought this at the men's yhouse. i saw this online. it came in the box. i never got a suit in the box before. this is like the franzio of suits. i got one for guillermo, too. [ cheers and applause ] you actually look like -- you look like a mexican politician. >> i do i like it. i feel very sexy. >> jimmy: you look very sexy. we look like at the christmas aisle at cvs. 100% polyester and 200% amazing. i definitely agree with the polyester part of it. christmas, only one week from tonight. which means you better start practicing you're oh, my god, i love it face. do people hang mistletoe in their house? 2

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody.ell, i appreciate that. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming out. [ cheers and applause ] i have to say, i'm -- pleasantly surprised you made it in here. i feel like it's my responsibility as a broadcaster to tell you that water is falling from the sky. [ laughter ] all day. if you have to go home now to say good-bye to your families, i understand. it's raining in l.a. the whole city smells like wet ugg boots. [ laughter ] you know it always rains after you have your car washed? well, the reason it's raining so hard today and yesterday is because over the weekend, i had all the windows at my house washed. you wash the house, it really comes down. it does. [ laughter ] it's funny, when it rains in l.a., people get excited to wear their rain jackets and their hats and their wellies, and all that. the sun comes out at noon and everybody looks like a nut. [ laughter ] but it's good because, i don't know if you heard yet, bu

right, jimmy?mmy: guillermo, i don't think you got the alphabet ka order right. >> that's right, jimmy. i was just testing you. it is time for celebrity alphabetical order round dos! >> celebrity alphabetical order round dos! >> round two. okay, i'm going to move you guys around. l all right, go in the middle. >> do i go here? >> no, you go over there. >> and mr. -- >> i move? >> yeah. >> why you are so rough with me, so gentle with jen? >> he's so gentle with you. >> you think she's more attractive than me? >> of course she is. mucho! >> hey, sorry i'm late. >> i already played the game, ryan seacrest. get out of here. mucho! >> it's sea crest! >> mucho! >> it was even better the second time, right people? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: guillermo who is that standing next to you? >> she's here for my new segment, dry cleaners to the stars. this is john stamos' dry cleaner. hello. >> hello. >> is this really a pair of john stamos' pants? >> yes. >> wow! who wants a pair of john stamos' pants? [

>> jimmy: is -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: a -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: 50-inch 4k ultra hdtv from vizio!e: jimmy, this 50-inch high def tv from vizio features the latest picture-enhancement technologies, producing stunning resolutions at four times the detail of other hd tvs. watch tv shows, movies and sports in beautiful 4k ultra-quality, not to mention a a premium smart tv experience optimized for streaming ultrahd shows. when you want the best, you gotta watch the best! jimmy! >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! my thanks to the good people at vizio. look at these tvs, oh, my goodness. we're also giving away vizio tvs to three lucky viewers at home. go to tonightshow.com/stockingstuffer for more details. we will be right back with stand-up from jerry seinfeld. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hurry in to the sears last minute gifts sale. get an incredible extra 20% off clothing with coupon. and up to 75% off all fine jewelry. plus, all small kitchen appliances are on sale. sears. more merry. is the gum you love without a wrapper.pped welcome to the easy life. ♪ trident unwrapped. super

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome.hank you very much. welcome. thank you, cleto. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watch pg. thank you for coming. i really do appreciate it, especially tonight. thank you for braving the rain to be with us. it's been a very long time since it rained like this here in l.a. parents were bringing their children outside just to show it to them. you see? [ laughter ] i told you, it comes down from the sky. last night, i went to dinner, after dinner, i called my driver, he picked me up in one of those boats with a big fan attached to it. the number one concern when it rains in l.a., well, mudslides, number one, but also keeping the kardashians from getting wet so they don't multiply. [ cheers and applause ] you have to be very careful. tonight in new york, they held the 82nd annual lighting of the tree in rockefeller center. it said to be the world's largest celebrationle of someone putting a plug in an electrical socket. this year's unlucky tree is an 85-foot tall norway spruce from pen

>> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] >> you're telling the truth. >> jimmy: no! >> oh! >> jimmy: i'm lying! i won, i won! i won, i won, i won! i won, i won, i won! i won, i won, i won! i'm the winner! i'm the champion! i won! [ cheers and applause ] emma stone. emma stone. >> you deserved it. >> jimmy: you guys, "birdman" is in theaters on friday. come on, you're the best. [ cheers and applause ] logan lerman joins us next. i'm a gracious winner. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is so great, date night. just the three of us. i'm just sayin'. and this is such a good movie too. i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... shhhh.. i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... ...did it. are you... would you be quiet? would you be quiet and move your gigantic head? it's like hello? i can't see the screen. dude. it's like hello? i can't see the screen. ah! hey, was that jordan? whoa! that's cold. now all hanes underwear is tagless. go tagless. ♪ ♪ 31 million students started college, but didn't complete a degree for lots of reasons at devry university we believe there are also

here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto.i, everybody. well, that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home. thank you for coming here. it's very, very good to see you. well, i thank you for that. we have what i think -- i think we have a fun idea tonight. something that i believe will pair nicely with the holiday season. from time to time, we send my cousin sal out into the world to mess with people and he plays planks and he's very good at them. tonight, we decided to use sal's unique powers for good instead of evil. we still have hidden cameras. tonight, we're going to use them to reward people for doing good deeds. so, i'll explain. let's bring in cousin sal there he is. there's cousin sal. and our friend gabriel, who -- you can see, is dressed as an elf. is this your everyday attire? >> every day. >> reporter: every day he dresses like this. so, sal is going to go out to hollywood boulevard and do what, exactly? >> jimmy, i'm going to ask people to watch gabriel while i run an erran

>> jimmy: a vase or a vase. >> a vase. >> jimmy: a jar. >> a mason jar. >> jimmy: thank you so much forould do. >> yeah, so it's not about just what you grow in your garden. there's a lot of wild foods which are so high in nutrients. because if you think about it, everything's been domesticated. so all the plants that we grow have been altered from their wild forms. so like wild lettuce or wild greens. they have spikes on them, you have to cook them. so people have altered the genes in order to be able to create lettuce that we can get at the supermarket. but my favorite is dandelion. you know the dandelion. like the little yellow flower. >> jimmy: the weed? >> yeah, the weed. >> jimmy: dandelion. >> the weed. >> jimmy: yeah, the weed. that's not a weed. >> no. okay, so the flowers, if they haven't been -- >> jimmy: why do you like to eat flowers? >> because they're so beautiful! who doesn't want to eat flowers? >> jimmy: i don't. i just want to look at them. >> i love to eat flowers, look how happy you are. >> jimmy: i don't want to eat things that i think are beautiful. so what do i d

>> jimmy: ta-wang!ut. >> so, how are you doing? >> i'm all right. i mean, all that stuff that's on tv, that was -- that was just for the show. i'm not really drinking. >> okay. i got married a lot of times. you've been at several of my weddings. so, i always knew that wasn't what i was into. i wasn't into the wedding and everyone knew it. i should have been into the guy, as you should be into the girl. >> jimmy: see? that's good. [ cheers and applause ] you're giving him advice. >> yeah. >> jimmy: a little -- a little marital advice there. >> i'm working it out because i'm in the midst of writing a a relationship book. >> jimmy: in real life? >> in real life. because i just listen to people say dumb stuff and it freaks me out. i don't get it. like, they say, "well, you know, i wanted the guy to -- i need a man around the house to like do stuff for me." what do you need him to do that you can't do? because if you're waiting for him to do it, you're dumb! [ laughter ] learn how to do it yourself and then

[ buzzer ] >> jimmy: damn, seven years? [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: eight?zzer ] whatever, at least i'm smarter than a fourth grader. [ buzzer ] whatever, you're a little buzzer happy now. guys i thought this was interesting here. according to a new study, parents are overjoyed with the birth of their first child. half as excited with the birth of their second and only somewhat excited about their third child. researchers don't know why parents get less excited. but they say it's probably the middle child's fault. [ laughter and applause ] and finally this week, china celebrated singles day which is sort of like an anti-valentine's day holiday. where single people buy themselves presents. or as we call that in america -- valentine's day. yeah, we have a great show, you guys, give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey guys, do not forget that u2 is going to be here all next week! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] the irish are going to be here all next week. they have a brand new record out. this is the one that they put

right now on jimmy >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- marisa tomei. from "blackish", marcus scribner. and music from the smashing pumpkins. with cleto and the cletones and now, with all due respect, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. thank you, cleto. welcome. thank you, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. i'm glad you could put me in your busy holiday schedule. we're so lucky with the weather here. how nice was it today? on the east coast, you know, 25,000 homes went without power today because of the snow and the rain and heavy winds. where as here in l.a., though, i should say there was a moderate amount of precipitation here early this morning when hundreds of actors and actresses found out they weren't nominated for a s.a.g. award. other than that, it has been -- let's just bounce around the country and do a weather check. >> wind gusts here have reached 61 miles per hour. >> rain and wind has not let up. >> the rain has been torrential li